Switch (UK) (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Hexed
Come on.
Group hug.
Yes! Probably be off again in a couple of days.
We miss magic.
And we miss you.
Hi! Er, I was wondering if you wanted to make another appointment.
Who the hell has hexed us? It's the witches of Kensington.
Starting again.
Ready? Girls! Can't we just e-mail them? It's a bit late for that.
Hold onto your broomsticks, girls.
Aaagh! Darlings! Oh, this is tote amazing! Oh, you all look edible! We were just about to pop a bottle of Cristal.
Are you in? This isn't a social visit! Oh.
Sad face? We know what you've done.
Oh, drop the bullshit, you cocks! Major confusion in this corner, sweets.
The hex? On us? You must think we are the biggest bitch hounds ever.
Yes.
We do.
Oh, mega guilt sweat.
So it was you.
Yeah.
But You're gonna find this major Inbetweeners.
This is India, Romola and Remy.
Charmed.
Enchante! Witches of Camden, meet the witches of Kensington.
I have a new coven! Are you sure they're new? They look just like the last ones.
Yes.
They're new, Jude.
The hex, Alexa? So.
We were joshing about.
Honing our casting skills.
And we thought we'd try a hex.
And I had a snap of you four little scruffs in solstice camp.
Didn't even think it would work.
I am totes proud of us.
You knew exactly what you were doing.
Our fault for underestimating our power.
For being complete fuck plugs! Age not Louboutin size, please.
Pinkie shake? Go fuck yourself! What are they up to? Look, ladies.
We're sorry.
Honestly, darlings.
We all are.
This whole feud thing's gone tote OTT.
We're adults now.
It's bloody ridic.
Truce, ya? Why should we trust you? We're offering you an entente cordiale.
Stay.
Pretty P.
Have a drinkie! I don't know.
Oh, it'll be jokes.
Come on.
Cheers! I got sick of it, the travelling thing.
Mm.
And I missed them lot.
So I thought Shit.
What did I think? You missed the girls.
Yes.
Mm.
Yes.
So I thought enough.
I'm gonna stay, put down some roots, get a job, grow up and all that shit.
I could never get that shine.
Oh, you could, too.
Your hair is amaze.
Seriously.
Basil oil, lemon and rosemary.
And it's, like, whoa! Shinefest.
Don't even get me started on time-keeping.
I gave the three of them Rolexes for Christmas.
And did it make a diff? Did it hell! Oh, well.
It's completely disrespectful.
Goodbye! Find me on Twitter! Is this what they call a tramp walk - going home in last night's clothes? Yes.
But you're meant to smell of sex.
No, I don't.
I don't smell of sex.
No, I smell of Alexa's posh candles.
Aw! She's all right.
We used to be quite close when we were kids, me and Alexa.
Before you lot.
She'd tie you up and make you eat mustard! Yeah, that bit wasn't so great.
You should've stuck with it.
Her wardrobe was bigger than my bedroom.
But would you actually want that lifestyle? Yes.
Absolutely.
I wouldn't.
Living off Daddy and talking a load of bullshit all day.
No, thanks.
I work hard for all this.
OK, so it's not Kensington, but we all earn our keep apart from Han.
I think I'm getting the sack! Oh, brilliant! It's a final warning.
I'm taking this to a tribunal.
It's completely unfair.
Oh.
'Abusive to customers, drinking on the job and repeated unexplained absence.
' Good luck with that.
They've got a really strong case.
Well, if that prick of a boss treated me with respect, I wouldn't take the piss.
Can we not do something about this? No.
I'm late for work already.
We can't get the spell book out every time you mess up at work.
Why not?! Jude! Exactly how much phone sex did you have with that Cuban guy last month? A fair bit.
Why? Because we've got a phone bill here for a grand! He only lives in Tooting.
Why not just have proper sex, then? Face like a slapped arse, voice like Antonio Banderas.
Anyway, do not point the finger at me.
I only ever use my work phone, Han hasn't been here, and Grace doesn't have any other friends.
Sorry, Grace.
So it can only - It was me.
I called Han a few times while she was away.
Oh.
A few times! I really missed her.
I'll pay half.
Is that before or after you pay me back for the last two months rent? Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
You don't have a job! We cannot get by on two incomes.
I'd still have a job if we did a quick switch.
Final demand for electricity.
Spirit wise, spirit great, help us change the hands of fate.
Replace a boss who's strict and tense with someone who makes much more sense.
Someone who is more like Jude.
A hedonist with a lighter mood.
Spirit, gracious, grant this request for a leader unlike all the rest.
No burns! Yeah.
Me, neither.
All good here.
Hey.
I'd better get a job, then.
Oh, shit! It's from Joel.
He's asking me to go to lunch with him.
Today! Let's see.
What do I do? Ooh.
It's ringing! Go on! Hello.
Grace speaking.
Oh, hi, Joel.
How are you? Yeah.
No, I did just call.
Erm but there was an emergency.
And I had to put the phone down.
No, I'm OK.
I just er I caught my tit in a Car door.
Vice? Book.
I caught my tit in a book.
Anyway.
How are you? Yeah, I'd I'd love that.
Lunch.
1:00.
OK.
Great.
All right.
Bye.
Guess what? What? Duncan's gone.
Really? That's nice.
Big promotion in New York.
I mean, it's not a car crash.
But it gets him out of our hair.
Wahey! Any idea who's taking over? Jeremy Clarkson would be better than that muffin-topped prick.
Please let it be somebody under 40.
And if it's a bloke, - fit - Excuse me.
Halitosis free Excuse me? French'd be good.
Sorry.
Can I Oh, for fuck's sake! What?! Gerry Blackwell.
Your new boss.
Great.
I'll look forward to it.
I'll see you at twelve o'clock.
I've got an interview! It's only temping.
But I reckon I'd be a brilliant tem per.
What the hell is that? It WAS my fringe.
Oh.
Erm it'll grow back.
In two hours?! This is horrendous! Shit, shit! What if it's Joel? You're meeting him in town in two hours.
Grace.
I've got a bit of a work emergency.
I know it's short notice, but could you watch the boys this afternoon? Oh.
Erm OK.
Thank you! You are an absolute lifesaver.
I'll be back before seven.
Boys? Get in here now.
Boys? Be good for Grace.
Bye.
Bye, David.
Shut it, you little bastards! Who are they, anyway? Dave's a neighbour.
His wife died a while back, so I've been helping out.
And, you know, well it is an emergency.
What about your date? I can't go like this anyway.
Ouch! I'm gonna end up a sad, lonely, old witch.
Living on my own babysitting next-door's kids.
I can have the kids.
What about your interview? There'll be others.
They're a handful.
I've travelled through Outer Mongolia on my own.
I can handle two kids.
Ow! First things first.
We need to sort that hair out.
He might be narcoleptic.
What's being lazy got to do with shagging dead people.
Hello! Anyone got any skins? It might be a test.
No, you're all right.
Got some.
Erm Gerry? Where were you last? Over there.
No, workwise.
What store were you at? Oh, right.
Er Finchley.
I was only assistant.
Couldn't believe when I got the call this morning.
Manager! Never managed anything in my life.
Sorry.
Do you want a blast? Er, no.
We're OK for now.
Cheers.
OMG! Dream bus come true! Gerry? Could me and Jude take a long lunch today? Go for it.
Lounge-lover Bellinis, here we come! I'll have to take a raincheck.
Shut up! It's an emergency.
I'm sorry.
Hi again.
I was just wondering, would I be able to have that blast now? Why can't you just go to the hairdresser's like a normal person? We can't work with this noise going on.
I'm meeting Joel in less than an hour.
And I have got 35 minutes left of my lunch break.
Stop fighting with the remote! What about this? Perfect.
That should do it.
Aaagh! Get away from me! Oh, come on.
Mute the little gits.
Amazing.
Spirit wise, spirit fair, help our friend to heal her hair.
Please don't judge or think it vain.
Just help to put it right again.
Now, go, go, go, go, go! You've got 20 minutes.
Love you.
Thank you! Right.
Get your bag.
What for? I've got you an interview.
Just sit there.
I need more time to prepare.
No.
Just be yourself.
You'll be great.
Ah.
Right.
Malcolm.
HR.
I hear you're interested in our position of Office Manager.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
So Hannah.
What skills can you bring to this role? Well I erm Erm I can erm I'm very resourceful.
Good in a crisis.
Always thinking outside the box.
I thrive on new challenges and from the satisfaction of performing well.
Either as part of a team or by myself.
You look fantastic.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for inviting me.
Leg's better.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
It took me ages to work up the courage to call you this morning.
Really? Yeah.
I was so nervous.
Me, too.
I must've sounded like a total weirdo.
No, no.
Not at all.
We're here now, anyway.
That's the important thing.
So, then, I managed to divert the hijacker's attention, untie the bus driver and call the Colombian Police.
Yeah.
That was definitely the trickiest situation I've had to resolve.
Gosh.
Well I mean, that's really impressive, to say the least.
Thank you for coming in, Hannah.
It's been a real pleasure to meet you.
Yes, thank you.
Just one final question.
And this is always a tricky one.
How would you describe your weaknesses? Oh, well, that's piss easy.
I'm a kleptomaniac.
If it's not nailed down, I'll fucking have it.
Joke.
Obviously.
Sense of humour big tick.
Thank you.
We'll er we'll be in touch.
You'd better had be, you big bastard shit! I'm so sorry! Er Aaargh! Ow! I am so so sorry.
Out.
Yeah.
OK.
Oh, Stell, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's OK.
I know.
It's Alexa.
Oh! Last night, I told her I wanted to settle down and get a job.
Now she's hexed your career.
At least it's just me this time.
What now? Right.
Well, first of all, I need to sort this mess out.
What am I gonna do? Just go home.
I'll see you there.
But don't worry.
We'll sort it out.
I'm not entirely sure how, but we will.
Sure you don't want a starter? Walnut overboard.
Sorry.
Could I just Oh.
I don't like making a mess.
Little memento from our first date.
So, tell me a bit more about yourself.
Erm I come from a big family.
Four brothers and sisters.
Two fantastic parents.
All incredibly close.
Sounds lovely.
It was.
I came home from school one day and erm they'd all gone.
Just like that.
Faulty gas oven and some dodgy electrics.
Your entire family? Things were tough for a while.
But they picked up again when I met my ex, Sarah.
Then she got pregnant.
Aw! A boy or a girl? A boy.
But he's not mine.
She ran off with my best friend.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I'm fine now, though.
How? I've met you, haven't I? Erm what's going on? This sexy man is the best boss ever.
True, yeah.
That's what's going on.
There's a huge queue out there.
I did put a sign on the door.
Yeah.
Reckon they probably missed that.
Whoa! Sorry, Miss Poppins! I think they're getting pissed off.
We won't be long.
You make a start.
I've only got one pair of hands! Stop being so anal.
What?! I'm about the least - We're fucking clothes, sweet-cheeks.
Not saving lives.
I know.
All I'm saying is, if head office come down here Head office.
Whatever.
Listen.
I'm sorry if I'm stressing you out.
You're not.
It's just, I think you shouldn't take things so seriously.
I spend my whole life not taking things seriously.
Smoking weed in the stock room doesn't make you some big fucking radical.
In fact, I could have you for breakfast.
At what? Folding shirts? Over-proof rum.
Last one standing wins? Shut the shop, dickspin.
Ah! This is the best day of my life.
It's not saying much, though, is it? Erm Look, Joel.
I like you Grace.
I like you so much! I like you too.
But - Shhh! I can't tell you how many times I thought about ending it before I met you.
So I just wanna say thank you.
For saving my life.
You're welcome.
Has anyone seen my keys? Boys, stop it.
Eurgh! Haven't they gone yet? I can't find my keys.
Oh, there's spare ones here.
I want them back, though.
Why don't you tell me you have spares? Because you'll lose those as well.
I have to go.
Sam, don't bite that.
Where are you going? We need something of Alexa's to lift this hex.
The book says it needs to be of intimate value.
I used to have a necklace her dad gave her, but I lost it.
A lock of hair, her first pony.
You lost her pony? She gave it to me and it well, it sort of drowned.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, this time I'm gonna get something and keep it.
Oh.
How did the date go? Erm Yeah.
Yeah, he's really keen.
See? You don't have any ideas of how we can get something precious of Alexa's? How did you get in there? Snuck in when you weren't looking.
This is a terrible idea.
Shhh! We're corrupting them.
Oh, that happened years ago.
Hello.
Bob-a-job? Bob-a-what? I'm a Scout.
I'm raising money, doing odd jobs.
- Like what? - All sorts.
Lawn mowing, pond cleaning, massaging Anything, really.
Hairdressing? You could do with one.
I do great fringes.
I don't need a haircut off a Boy Scout.
I'm cheap.
He's got one of her handbags.
Good taste, Sam! Where are your parents? Dead.
OK.
I'll take that as a no.
Wait.
I have a red wine stain on my rug.
Don't do stains.
Or rugs.
Sorry.
Bye.
You thieving bastard! Oh, shit! Shit.
You're good.
How did you become a manager, anyway? Fuck knows.
I'll tell you a secret, though.
My heart's not in it.
Never guessed! I mean, I planned guitars et cetera.
I'm a fashion designer.
A very sexy one.
They really need to clean up down here.
Come on.
We're going.
Oh, come on! And you are Hannah? Is that right? Yes.
Yes, I'm her babysitter.
I want all three of them arrested.
One thing at a time, please.
She's obviously put them up to this.
Haven't you? This has been one big misunderstanding.
This has been devastating.
I feel violated.
Violated by a child.
Oh! Oi, oi! Whoo! Look who it is.
What the fuck's this? Have you been drinking, madam? Have you been a prick all your life? Right.
In the van, all of you.
Now! Wicked.
Go on.
All of you.
In the van.
Now.
Get in there.
In.
What? Give that here.
Grace? No.
Have you got your spell book with you? Yeah.
But it's not much use without something to cast in, is it? Quick switch, anyone? Great spirit, grant us protection.
Change their minds and change our direction.
Oh, what is it now? Could you take us home, please? No sweat.
Hot stuff.
I just wanna know why everything you touch tur Turns to shit! You are so irresponsible! Those are Dave's kids.
He is a widower! Don't shout at me.
I was trying to help your love life.
OK.
Let's just be glad that we were all there and could do something.
You're older than me, but you're a big kid.
Stella's right.
We can't ask you to do anything! Toby.
Where's Sam? Oh.
What? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Toby, when was the last time you saw him.
He was playing with a light sabre.
The front door's open.
Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam? Sam! This isn't a game! Sam! No! Keep still.
Don't move.
Get an ambulance! He just ran out! I can't move my arm.
What's going on? Live rewind.
It's brilliant, isn't it? You are not allowed off this sofa until your father comes.
You know not to run out in traffic.
Your mother got run over by a car.
Have you not learnt any lessons?! Perhaps Grace and I should deal with this.
Fine.
What happened? You were very, very lucky.
We all were.
What were you doing out there? I was just playing with the light sabre.
What light sabre? Where did you get this? The rich lady's house.
Spirit, take these personal effects, cast the curse, lift the hex.
Hannah's career it shall not rob.
Give back the chance to gain a job.
Protect her from those who harm have meant.
Let her go forth and earn some rent.
Bitches! Oh, I am so sorry.
I will pay for any damage.
Which one of them was it? It was Toby.
It wasn't me! It was magic.
What have I told you about lying? It's been a nightmare.
You can say it.
Han's been looking after them.
They've been great.
Hannah can do magic.
They all can.
And look.
I got a light sabre! That's er Yeah, that's mine.
And Hannah's got a remote control that can make us quiet and rewind time.
And we went in a police van.
It had lights on and everything! And they lied to a rich girl in a castle.
And I stole her handbag! OK.
I may need to borrow that remote at some point in the future.
Thank you, Hannah.
I've not seen them like this before.
They're great kids.
Tough day.
I had a date.
Yeah? But it was I know.
You make a lot of effort, get all excited, but it's just not there.
And I feel really guilty, cos he's had an awful life.
And This isn't me being big-headed, but I think he might quite like me.
His happiness isn't your responsibility.
And of course he likes you.
You're beautiful.
He'll find a girl.
Everyone's special to someone.
I hope so.
Course.
He's gotta find the right one.
Can I ask you a question? Does this need salt? I've got bad news and just news.
Yeah? Head office have been on.
They found out about you closing early.
You're sacked.
I lasted a whole day.
Pretty impressed with myself.
What's the 'just news'? Meet the new manager.
Oh, good for you! Congratulations.
That's amazing.
Celebration dinner ready in about .
.
10 minutes.
Ooh! Time for a quick tour round the flat.
Grace can watch the pan.
I can watch the pan.
Yes.
Absolutely.
I shouldn't rely on Grace as much.
She puts herself out for me quite a bit.
Well, that's Grace.
You're a natural, though.
No, I'm not.
You are.
Here.
Oh, it's fine.
It's only fair.
You've done a fantastic job.
It's fine, really.
The boys have been blacklisted by every nanny agency.
You deserve paying.
Hannah? Could you just move back a bit? I've had a few problems with earning money recently.
Is everything OK? Yes! Everything's great.
I've just I've just sort of earnt this.
You have.
And you have a future husband in Sam, if it doesn't work out with people your own age.
And if you want to earn any more, I'm always looking for people to do the school pick-ups and all the boring stuff.
Do you mean, like a job? No.
Not really.
Well it's LIKE a job.
Come on, boys.
It's time to go and mess up our nice, clean flat.
Say goodbye to Hannah.
See you, Hannah! Bye! Do you think we lifted the career hex? I know we did.
Dave just paid me.
I got paid for something! Oh, no! Oh, hi! What are you doing? Er do you live round here? How mad is that? This is where I come to.
It's my 'hood.
It's my stomping - You were watching my flat.
I've blown it haven't I? I knew I would.
Why, oh, why?! Just for once can't something go right for me? One little bit of luck.
That's all I ask for.
It's nothing to do with luck.
Take some responsibility.
Oh, please don't cry.
I do try.
You know? I try really really hard.
Maybe that's the problem.
You can't force things.
They'll either happen or they won't.
Will we happen? I don't think so.
Sorry.
You'll find a girlfriend when you're ready.
Nobody will have me.
That's not true.
Everyone's special to someone.
Joel? Yeah? Let go now, please.
Hello, Gerry.
You smell nice.
I love women's bathrooms! Don't know what that stuff's for, but I rubbed it in anyway.
Feel that.
Like a baby's arse.
It's lovely.
Sorry.
Do you want to get in there? No, no, no.
I was just passing.
En route to the living room.
Go on.
Don't fight your feelings.
Fight your sweat.
What? Oh, I don't think she'll like that.
Women don't sweat, apparently.
Don't we? No.
We perspire.
Try telling that to someone with hyperhidrosis.
Stella, what are you talking about? Excessive sweating.
New campaign.
I've got to make industrial strength deodorant sexy by tomorrow.
Why Janet has given this to me, I don't know.
Oh, God.
Do I smell?! No.
Why me, then? Because If anyone can make BO cool, you can.
That was meant to come out differently.
Oh! No! Stop it! You don't smell! You're sexy.
That's why she's given it to you.
I don't feel very sexy.
Well, you are.
When was the last time I went on a date? That lovely woman from Battersea Dogs Home.
Her clothes were covered in hair and she had half-eaten chew sticks in her pocket.
And that was 2009.
Well, you're picky.
It's a good thing.
You've got high standards.
You can't force these things.
You know.
Someone will come along when you least expect it.
It's all about the chemistry.
That's it.
Exactly.
Why go on meaningless dates just for the sake of it.
No, no, no.
The tag line.
'It's all about the chemistry.
' Perfect! Right.
Great.
Laters.
It's all about the chemistry.
I'll have that.
Bills.
Why is it when we get back together, Alexa gets a new coven? It's the natural balance of things.
Alexa got a coven together because we're back together.
Oh.
Well, I'm not sure about them.
Why not? Cos they're not proper mates.
They're proper witches.
I don't get it.
Well, it's like sex, isn't it? It's better with someone you love.
Magic is not like sex, Judith.
It is.
And we're better at it than they are.
We are.
If they try anything again we'll have them, because we're better in the magical sack.
I'm not going to agree until you find a more polite metaphor, thank you.
Oh, come and have sex with us! I'm not listening! Come on, Grace.
At least come and have a drink with us.
Cheers.
Excuse me.
Shitting hell! I know.
What do you have to do to get a drink in here? Stella, that fit woman was totally giving you the eye.
What was that? Oh! Ooh.
Coming over.
Where are you going? Don't stare.
You'll make her feel awkward.
What? They're not making pandas.
I can look if I want.
Can you lip-read? What are they saying? Hair em por chair Hair report chair! Is that a lesbian thing? Yeah, it must be.
Unless you can't actually lip-read.
Phones are out.
Digits? She's called Ariel.
Course she is.
What did she say? I'm really attractive.
Do I wanna go for a drink? Blah, blah.
She makes Megan Fox look like Ann Widdecombe and you're blahing? It's not all about looks.
Did you get on, Stell? Yeah.
Yeah, we got on.
She seems great.
But? I don't know what's wrong with me.
I think I've got a condition.
This keeps happening to me.
- You keep getting propositioned by supermodels? - Oh, Stell, you poor bastard No.
I mean, I can't seem to connect.
Romantically.
It's like, I go through the motion, but I just can't find that spark.
It's like something inside me has just been switched off.
I need another drink.
This is awful.
No, that's just Stell, isn't it? She's erm fussy.
It's five years since she had a relationship.
Coincidence.
No.
We need to get in touch with Lucy.
No! You'd rather see our friend single for ever than deal with this? Yes.
Come on, Jude.
She's right.
You may be happy for Stella to die alone, surrounded by cats.
But we're not.
We need to lift the switch.
And if that means getting Lucy to come over, then so be it.
I'll text her to come over tomorrow.
Last orders, I thought I'd double up.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Come on, then.
Cheers? Eurgh.
Stells, you dick! It's me! You and Lucy went out with each other five years ago.
Shut up.
This lot suggested that you do a memory spell to forget about me.
It was your idea.
Stella and Lucy are back together.
I don't trust her as far as I could throw her.
I hate my stupid, shit job.
Please can we charm my portfolio? What would you say to being our head designer? You're a fashion intern and you've never heard of Jude Thomas? Lucy, this is crazy! Do you wanna see crazy?! I'll give you crazy!
Group hug.
Yes! Probably be off again in a couple of days.
We miss magic.
And we miss you.
Hi! Er, I was wondering if you wanted to make another appointment.
Who the hell has hexed us? It's the witches of Kensington.
Starting again.
Ready? Girls! Can't we just e-mail them? It's a bit late for that.
Hold onto your broomsticks, girls.
Aaagh! Darlings! Oh, this is tote amazing! Oh, you all look edible! We were just about to pop a bottle of Cristal.
Are you in? This isn't a social visit! Oh.
Sad face? We know what you've done.
Oh, drop the bullshit, you cocks! Major confusion in this corner, sweets.
The hex? On us? You must think we are the biggest bitch hounds ever.
Yes.
We do.
Oh, mega guilt sweat.
So it was you.
Yeah.
But You're gonna find this major Inbetweeners.
This is India, Romola and Remy.
Charmed.
Enchante! Witches of Camden, meet the witches of Kensington.
I have a new coven! Are you sure they're new? They look just like the last ones.
Yes.
They're new, Jude.
The hex, Alexa? So.
We were joshing about.
Honing our casting skills.
And we thought we'd try a hex.
And I had a snap of you four little scruffs in solstice camp.
Didn't even think it would work.
I am totes proud of us.
You knew exactly what you were doing.
Our fault for underestimating our power.
For being complete fuck plugs! Age not Louboutin size, please.
Pinkie shake? Go fuck yourself! What are they up to? Look, ladies.
We're sorry.
Honestly, darlings.
We all are.
This whole feud thing's gone tote OTT.
We're adults now.
It's bloody ridic.
Truce, ya? Why should we trust you? We're offering you an entente cordiale.
Stay.
Pretty P.
Have a drinkie! I don't know.
Oh, it'll be jokes.
Come on.
Cheers! I got sick of it, the travelling thing.
Mm.
And I missed them lot.
So I thought Shit.
What did I think? You missed the girls.
Yes.
Mm.
Yes.
So I thought enough.
I'm gonna stay, put down some roots, get a job, grow up and all that shit.
I could never get that shine.
Oh, you could, too.
Your hair is amaze.
Seriously.
Basil oil, lemon and rosemary.
And it's, like, whoa! Shinefest.
Don't even get me started on time-keeping.
I gave the three of them Rolexes for Christmas.
And did it make a diff? Did it hell! Oh, well.
It's completely disrespectful.
Goodbye! Find me on Twitter! Is this what they call a tramp walk - going home in last night's clothes? Yes.
But you're meant to smell of sex.
No, I don't.
I don't smell of sex.
No, I smell of Alexa's posh candles.
Aw! She's all right.
We used to be quite close when we were kids, me and Alexa.
Before you lot.
She'd tie you up and make you eat mustard! Yeah, that bit wasn't so great.
You should've stuck with it.
Her wardrobe was bigger than my bedroom.
But would you actually want that lifestyle? Yes.
Absolutely.
I wouldn't.
Living off Daddy and talking a load of bullshit all day.
No, thanks.
I work hard for all this.
OK, so it's not Kensington, but we all earn our keep apart from Han.
I think I'm getting the sack! Oh, brilliant! It's a final warning.
I'm taking this to a tribunal.
It's completely unfair.
Oh.
'Abusive to customers, drinking on the job and repeated unexplained absence.
' Good luck with that.
They've got a really strong case.
Well, if that prick of a boss treated me with respect, I wouldn't take the piss.
Can we not do something about this? No.
I'm late for work already.
We can't get the spell book out every time you mess up at work.
Why not?! Jude! Exactly how much phone sex did you have with that Cuban guy last month? A fair bit.
Why? Because we've got a phone bill here for a grand! He only lives in Tooting.
Why not just have proper sex, then? Face like a slapped arse, voice like Antonio Banderas.
Anyway, do not point the finger at me.
I only ever use my work phone, Han hasn't been here, and Grace doesn't have any other friends.
Sorry, Grace.
So it can only - It was me.
I called Han a few times while she was away.
Oh.
A few times! I really missed her.
I'll pay half.
Is that before or after you pay me back for the last two months rent? Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
You don't have a job! We cannot get by on two incomes.
I'd still have a job if we did a quick switch.
Final demand for electricity.
Spirit wise, spirit great, help us change the hands of fate.
Replace a boss who's strict and tense with someone who makes much more sense.
Someone who is more like Jude.
A hedonist with a lighter mood.
Spirit, gracious, grant this request for a leader unlike all the rest.
No burns! Yeah.
Me, neither.
All good here.
Hey.
I'd better get a job, then.
Oh, shit! It's from Joel.
He's asking me to go to lunch with him.
Today! Let's see.
What do I do? Ooh.
It's ringing! Go on! Hello.
Grace speaking.
Oh, hi, Joel.
How are you? Yeah.
No, I did just call.
Erm but there was an emergency.
And I had to put the phone down.
No, I'm OK.
I just er I caught my tit in a Car door.
Vice? Book.
I caught my tit in a book.
Anyway.
How are you? Yeah, I'd I'd love that.
Lunch.
1:00.
OK.
Great.
All right.
Bye.
Guess what? What? Duncan's gone.
Really? That's nice.
Big promotion in New York.
I mean, it's not a car crash.
But it gets him out of our hair.
Wahey! Any idea who's taking over? Jeremy Clarkson would be better than that muffin-topped prick.
Please let it be somebody under 40.
And if it's a bloke, - fit - Excuse me.
Halitosis free Excuse me? French'd be good.
Sorry.
Can I Oh, for fuck's sake! What?! Gerry Blackwell.
Your new boss.
Great.
I'll look forward to it.
I'll see you at twelve o'clock.
I've got an interview! It's only temping.
But I reckon I'd be a brilliant tem per.
What the hell is that? It WAS my fringe.
Oh.
Erm it'll grow back.
In two hours?! This is horrendous! Shit, shit! What if it's Joel? You're meeting him in town in two hours.
Grace.
I've got a bit of a work emergency.
I know it's short notice, but could you watch the boys this afternoon? Oh.
Erm OK.
Thank you! You are an absolute lifesaver.
I'll be back before seven.
Boys? Get in here now.
Boys? Be good for Grace.
Bye.
Bye, David.
Shut it, you little bastards! Who are they, anyway? Dave's a neighbour.
His wife died a while back, so I've been helping out.
And, you know, well it is an emergency.
What about your date? I can't go like this anyway.
Ouch! I'm gonna end up a sad, lonely, old witch.
Living on my own babysitting next-door's kids.
I can have the kids.
What about your interview? There'll be others.
They're a handful.
I've travelled through Outer Mongolia on my own.
I can handle two kids.
Ow! First things first.
We need to sort that hair out.
He might be narcoleptic.
What's being lazy got to do with shagging dead people.
Hello! Anyone got any skins? It might be a test.
No, you're all right.
Got some.
Erm Gerry? Where were you last? Over there.
No, workwise.
What store were you at? Oh, right.
Er Finchley.
I was only assistant.
Couldn't believe when I got the call this morning.
Manager! Never managed anything in my life.
Sorry.
Do you want a blast? Er, no.
We're OK for now.
Cheers.
OMG! Dream bus come true! Gerry? Could me and Jude take a long lunch today? Go for it.
Lounge-lover Bellinis, here we come! I'll have to take a raincheck.
Shut up! It's an emergency.
I'm sorry.
Hi again.
I was just wondering, would I be able to have that blast now? Why can't you just go to the hairdresser's like a normal person? We can't work with this noise going on.
I'm meeting Joel in less than an hour.
And I have got 35 minutes left of my lunch break.
Stop fighting with the remote! What about this? Perfect.
That should do it.
Aaagh! Get away from me! Oh, come on.
Mute the little gits.
Amazing.
Spirit wise, spirit fair, help our friend to heal her hair.
Please don't judge or think it vain.
Just help to put it right again.
Now, go, go, go, go, go! You've got 20 minutes.
Love you.
Thank you! Right.
Get your bag.
What for? I've got you an interview.
Just sit there.
I need more time to prepare.
No.
Just be yourself.
You'll be great.
Ah.
Right.
Malcolm.
HR.
I hear you're interested in our position of Office Manager.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
So Hannah.
What skills can you bring to this role? Well I erm Erm I can erm I'm very resourceful.
Good in a crisis.
Always thinking outside the box.
I thrive on new challenges and from the satisfaction of performing well.
Either as part of a team or by myself.
You look fantastic.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for inviting me.
Leg's better.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
It took me ages to work up the courage to call you this morning.
Really? Yeah.
I was so nervous.
Me, too.
I must've sounded like a total weirdo.
No, no.
Not at all.
We're here now, anyway.
That's the important thing.
So, then, I managed to divert the hijacker's attention, untie the bus driver and call the Colombian Police.
Yeah.
That was definitely the trickiest situation I've had to resolve.
Gosh.
Well I mean, that's really impressive, to say the least.
Thank you for coming in, Hannah.
It's been a real pleasure to meet you.
Yes, thank you.
Just one final question.
And this is always a tricky one.
How would you describe your weaknesses? Oh, well, that's piss easy.
I'm a kleptomaniac.
If it's not nailed down, I'll fucking have it.
Joke.
Obviously.
Sense of humour big tick.
Thank you.
We'll er we'll be in touch.
You'd better had be, you big bastard shit! I'm so sorry! Er Aaargh! Ow! I am so so sorry.
Out.
Yeah.
OK.
Oh, Stell, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's OK.
I know.
It's Alexa.
Oh! Last night, I told her I wanted to settle down and get a job.
Now she's hexed your career.
At least it's just me this time.
What now? Right.
Well, first of all, I need to sort this mess out.
What am I gonna do? Just go home.
I'll see you there.
But don't worry.
We'll sort it out.
I'm not entirely sure how, but we will.
Sure you don't want a starter? Walnut overboard.
Sorry.
Could I just Oh.
I don't like making a mess.
Little memento from our first date.
So, tell me a bit more about yourself.
Erm I come from a big family.
Four brothers and sisters.
Two fantastic parents.
All incredibly close.
Sounds lovely.
It was.
I came home from school one day and erm they'd all gone.
Just like that.
Faulty gas oven and some dodgy electrics.
Your entire family? Things were tough for a while.
But they picked up again when I met my ex, Sarah.
Then she got pregnant.
Aw! A boy or a girl? A boy.
But he's not mine.
She ran off with my best friend.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
I'm fine now, though.
How? I've met you, haven't I? Erm what's going on? This sexy man is the best boss ever.
True, yeah.
That's what's going on.
There's a huge queue out there.
I did put a sign on the door.
Yeah.
Reckon they probably missed that.
Whoa! Sorry, Miss Poppins! I think they're getting pissed off.
We won't be long.
You make a start.
I've only got one pair of hands! Stop being so anal.
What?! I'm about the least - We're fucking clothes, sweet-cheeks.
Not saving lives.
I know.
All I'm saying is, if head office come down here Head office.
Whatever.
Listen.
I'm sorry if I'm stressing you out.
You're not.
It's just, I think you shouldn't take things so seriously.
I spend my whole life not taking things seriously.
Smoking weed in the stock room doesn't make you some big fucking radical.
In fact, I could have you for breakfast.
At what? Folding shirts? Over-proof rum.
Last one standing wins? Shut the shop, dickspin.
Ah! This is the best day of my life.
It's not saying much, though, is it? Erm Look, Joel.
I like you Grace.
I like you so much! I like you too.
But - Shhh! I can't tell you how many times I thought about ending it before I met you.
So I just wanna say thank you.
For saving my life.
You're welcome.
Has anyone seen my keys? Boys, stop it.
Eurgh! Haven't they gone yet? I can't find my keys.
Oh, there's spare ones here.
I want them back, though.
Why don't you tell me you have spares? Because you'll lose those as well.
I have to go.
Sam, don't bite that.
Where are you going? We need something of Alexa's to lift this hex.
The book says it needs to be of intimate value.
I used to have a necklace her dad gave her, but I lost it.
A lock of hair, her first pony.
You lost her pony? She gave it to me and it well, it sort of drowned.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, this time I'm gonna get something and keep it.
Oh.
How did the date go? Erm Yeah.
Yeah, he's really keen.
See? You don't have any ideas of how we can get something precious of Alexa's? How did you get in there? Snuck in when you weren't looking.
This is a terrible idea.
Shhh! We're corrupting them.
Oh, that happened years ago.
Hello.
Bob-a-job? Bob-a-what? I'm a Scout.
I'm raising money, doing odd jobs.
- Like what? - All sorts.
Lawn mowing, pond cleaning, massaging Anything, really.
Hairdressing? You could do with one.
I do great fringes.
I don't need a haircut off a Boy Scout.
I'm cheap.
He's got one of her handbags.
Good taste, Sam! Where are your parents? Dead.
OK.
I'll take that as a no.
Wait.
I have a red wine stain on my rug.
Don't do stains.
Or rugs.
Sorry.
Bye.
You thieving bastard! Oh, shit! Shit.
You're good.
How did you become a manager, anyway? Fuck knows.
I'll tell you a secret, though.
My heart's not in it.
Never guessed! I mean, I planned guitars et cetera.
I'm a fashion designer.
A very sexy one.
They really need to clean up down here.
Come on.
We're going.
Oh, come on! And you are Hannah? Is that right? Yes.
Yes, I'm her babysitter.
I want all three of them arrested.
One thing at a time, please.
She's obviously put them up to this.
Haven't you? This has been one big misunderstanding.
This has been devastating.
I feel violated.
Violated by a child.
Oh! Oi, oi! Whoo! Look who it is.
What the fuck's this? Have you been drinking, madam? Have you been a prick all your life? Right.
In the van, all of you.
Now! Wicked.
Go on.
All of you.
In the van.
Now.
Get in there.
In.
What? Give that here.
Grace? No.
Have you got your spell book with you? Yeah.
But it's not much use without something to cast in, is it? Quick switch, anyone? Great spirit, grant us protection.
Change their minds and change our direction.
Oh, what is it now? Could you take us home, please? No sweat.
Hot stuff.
I just wanna know why everything you touch tur Turns to shit! You are so irresponsible! Those are Dave's kids.
He is a widower! Don't shout at me.
I was trying to help your love life.
OK.
Let's just be glad that we were all there and could do something.
You're older than me, but you're a big kid.
Stella's right.
We can't ask you to do anything! Toby.
Where's Sam? Oh.
What? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Toby, when was the last time you saw him.
He was playing with a light sabre.
The front door's open.
Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam? Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam? Sam! This isn't a game! Sam! No! Keep still.
Don't move.
Get an ambulance! He just ran out! I can't move my arm.
What's going on? Live rewind.
It's brilliant, isn't it? You are not allowed off this sofa until your father comes.
You know not to run out in traffic.
Your mother got run over by a car.
Have you not learnt any lessons?! Perhaps Grace and I should deal with this.
Fine.
What happened? You were very, very lucky.
We all were.
What were you doing out there? I was just playing with the light sabre.
What light sabre? Where did you get this? The rich lady's house.
Spirit, take these personal effects, cast the curse, lift the hex.
Hannah's career it shall not rob.
Give back the chance to gain a job.
Protect her from those who harm have meant.
Let her go forth and earn some rent.
Bitches! Oh, I am so sorry.
I will pay for any damage.
Which one of them was it? It was Toby.
It wasn't me! It was magic.
What have I told you about lying? It's been a nightmare.
You can say it.
Han's been looking after them.
They've been great.
Hannah can do magic.
They all can.
And look.
I got a light sabre! That's er Yeah, that's mine.
And Hannah's got a remote control that can make us quiet and rewind time.
And we went in a police van.
It had lights on and everything! And they lied to a rich girl in a castle.
And I stole her handbag! OK.
I may need to borrow that remote at some point in the future.
Thank you, Hannah.
I've not seen them like this before.
They're great kids.
Tough day.
I had a date.
Yeah? But it was I know.
You make a lot of effort, get all excited, but it's just not there.
And I feel really guilty, cos he's had an awful life.
And This isn't me being big-headed, but I think he might quite like me.
His happiness isn't your responsibility.
And of course he likes you.
You're beautiful.
He'll find a girl.
Everyone's special to someone.
I hope so.
Course.
He's gotta find the right one.
Can I ask you a question? Does this need salt? I've got bad news and just news.
Yeah? Head office have been on.
They found out about you closing early.
You're sacked.
I lasted a whole day.
Pretty impressed with myself.
What's the 'just news'? Meet the new manager.
Oh, good for you! Congratulations.
That's amazing.
Celebration dinner ready in about .
.
10 minutes.
Ooh! Time for a quick tour round the flat.
Grace can watch the pan.
I can watch the pan.
Yes.
Absolutely.
I shouldn't rely on Grace as much.
She puts herself out for me quite a bit.
Well, that's Grace.
You're a natural, though.
No, I'm not.
You are.
Here.
Oh, it's fine.
It's only fair.
You've done a fantastic job.
It's fine, really.
The boys have been blacklisted by every nanny agency.
You deserve paying.
Hannah? Could you just move back a bit? I've had a few problems with earning money recently.
Is everything OK? Yes! Everything's great.
I've just I've just sort of earnt this.
You have.
And you have a future husband in Sam, if it doesn't work out with people your own age.
And if you want to earn any more, I'm always looking for people to do the school pick-ups and all the boring stuff.
Do you mean, like a job? No.
Not really.
Well it's LIKE a job.
Come on, boys.
It's time to go and mess up our nice, clean flat.
Say goodbye to Hannah.
See you, Hannah! Bye! Do you think we lifted the career hex? I know we did.
Dave just paid me.
I got paid for something! Oh, no! Oh, hi! What are you doing? Er do you live round here? How mad is that? This is where I come to.
It's my 'hood.
It's my stomping - You were watching my flat.
I've blown it haven't I? I knew I would.
Why, oh, why?! Just for once can't something go right for me? One little bit of luck.
That's all I ask for.
It's nothing to do with luck.
Take some responsibility.
Oh, please don't cry.
I do try.
You know? I try really really hard.
Maybe that's the problem.
You can't force things.
They'll either happen or they won't.
Will we happen? I don't think so.
Sorry.
You'll find a girlfriend when you're ready.
Nobody will have me.
That's not true.
Everyone's special to someone.
Joel? Yeah? Let go now, please.
Hello, Gerry.
You smell nice.
I love women's bathrooms! Don't know what that stuff's for, but I rubbed it in anyway.
Feel that.
Like a baby's arse.
It's lovely.
Sorry.
Do you want to get in there? No, no, no.
I was just passing.
En route to the living room.
Go on.
Don't fight your feelings.
Fight your sweat.
What? Oh, I don't think she'll like that.
Women don't sweat, apparently.
Don't we? No.
We perspire.
Try telling that to someone with hyperhidrosis.
Stella, what are you talking about? Excessive sweating.
New campaign.
I've got to make industrial strength deodorant sexy by tomorrow.
Why Janet has given this to me, I don't know.
Oh, God.
Do I smell?! No.
Why me, then? Because If anyone can make BO cool, you can.
That was meant to come out differently.
Oh! No! Stop it! You don't smell! You're sexy.
That's why she's given it to you.
I don't feel very sexy.
Well, you are.
When was the last time I went on a date? That lovely woman from Battersea Dogs Home.
Her clothes were covered in hair and she had half-eaten chew sticks in her pocket.
And that was 2009.
Well, you're picky.
It's a good thing.
You've got high standards.
You can't force these things.
You know.
Someone will come along when you least expect it.
It's all about the chemistry.
That's it.
Exactly.
Why go on meaningless dates just for the sake of it.
No, no, no.
The tag line.
'It's all about the chemistry.
' Perfect! Right.
Great.
Laters.
It's all about the chemistry.
I'll have that.
Bills.
Why is it when we get back together, Alexa gets a new coven? It's the natural balance of things.
Alexa got a coven together because we're back together.
Oh.
Well, I'm not sure about them.
Why not? Cos they're not proper mates.
They're proper witches.
I don't get it.
Well, it's like sex, isn't it? It's better with someone you love.
Magic is not like sex, Judith.
It is.
And we're better at it than they are.
We are.
If they try anything again we'll have them, because we're better in the magical sack.
I'm not going to agree until you find a more polite metaphor, thank you.
Oh, come and have sex with us! I'm not listening! Come on, Grace.
At least come and have a drink with us.
Cheers.
Excuse me.
Shitting hell! I know.
What do you have to do to get a drink in here? Stella, that fit woman was totally giving you the eye.
What was that? Oh! Ooh.
Coming over.
Where are you going? Don't stare.
You'll make her feel awkward.
What? They're not making pandas.
I can look if I want.
Can you lip-read? What are they saying? Hair em por chair Hair report chair! Is that a lesbian thing? Yeah, it must be.
Unless you can't actually lip-read.
Phones are out.
Digits? She's called Ariel.
Course she is.
What did she say? I'm really attractive.
Do I wanna go for a drink? Blah, blah.
She makes Megan Fox look like Ann Widdecombe and you're blahing? It's not all about looks.
Did you get on, Stell? Yeah.
Yeah, we got on.
She seems great.
But? I don't know what's wrong with me.
I think I've got a condition.
This keeps happening to me.
- You keep getting propositioned by supermodels? - Oh, Stell, you poor bastard No.
I mean, I can't seem to connect.
Romantically.
It's like, I go through the motion, but I just can't find that spark.
It's like something inside me has just been switched off.
I need another drink.
This is awful.
No, that's just Stell, isn't it? She's erm fussy.
It's five years since she had a relationship.
Coincidence.
No.
We need to get in touch with Lucy.
No! You'd rather see our friend single for ever than deal with this? Yes.
Come on, Jude.
She's right.
You may be happy for Stella to die alone, surrounded by cats.
But we're not.
We need to lift the switch.
And if that means getting Lucy to come over, then so be it.
I'll text her to come over tomorrow.
Last orders, I thought I'd double up.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Come on, then.
Cheers? Eurgh.
Stells, you dick! It's me! You and Lucy went out with each other five years ago.
Shut up.
This lot suggested that you do a memory spell to forget about me.
It was your idea.
Stella and Lucy are back together.
I don't trust her as far as I could throw her.
I hate my stupid, shit job.
Please can we charm my portfolio? What would you say to being our head designer? You're a fashion intern and you've never heard of Jude Thomas? Lucy, this is crazy! Do you wanna see crazy?! I'll give you crazy!