TallBoyz (2019) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 VANCE: Redskin.
FRANCO: Chink.
GULED: Nigger.
TIM: I was going to say that one.
VANCE: Go back to the reserve.
FRANCO: Go back to China.
GULED: Go back to Africa.
TIM: Can we, like, switch up the order? Or, you know, I'm just gonna start my own one.
It's not easy being the only black kid who VANCE: In the small town where my mother was born, I couldn't buy a drink because they thought it was "dangerous.
" FRANCO: I was teaching my mom English, when a man called us zipperheads.
My mom's like, "What'd he say?" I didn't have the heart to translate.
TIM: I went for a drive with a friend and the cops pulled us over.
The officer reached for his weapon TIM & GULED: And as I looked down the barrel of the gun - GULED: I thought to myself - TIM: What the fuck? - GULED: Who witnessed this? - TIM: I was in the car with you! GULED: Bang! Another black man down.
TIM: No one got shot.
- VANCE: End - FRANCO: Racism GULED: Now! TIM: I agree.
- VANCE: We - FRANCO: Need GULED: Change! TIM: Yup! Can we do like a four-person thing? You know, so we can all equally contribute to this? - VANCE: Power - FRANCO: To - GULED: The People! - TIM: What? He's using two arms right now! Are you guys not seeing this? He's goddamned Supermanning.
VANCE: Help each other.
FRANCO: Help each other.
- GULED: Help each - TIM: Screw you guys! [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
VANCE, FRANCO & GULED: Pepsi, uniting our thirst! [HUMMING A JINGLE.]
TIM: Wait, this is a commercial? What the hell! [CLUB MUSIC PLAYING.]
WOMAN: Oh! WOMAN 2: Wow, those guys are so tall.
WOMAN: Must be nice being that tall in the club.
ALL: This what happens when you tall at the club GULED: All eyes on us as we hover above VANCE: Being tall at the club is everyone's dream TIM: But not when you got low self-esteem GULED: Locked eyes with a girl who's just my type GULED: When I walk up to her, I hit my head on a pipe ALL: Ow! GULED: I try to rebound, I use my catchphrase ALL: "Howdy!" GULED: But she can't hear me so she just walks away FRANCO: When you tall at the club GULED: You can't hide your gloom TIM: People see you fail from every part of the room GULED: Everyone's lookin', I feel like a schlub ALL: But this what happens when you tall at the club - [LOUD BANG.]
- GULED: Ow! Goddamn it! Pipes everywhere! FRANCO: It's industrial design.
- GULED: Who designed this? - FRANCO: Frank Gehry.
GULED: [SIGHS.]
VANCE: This what happens when you tall in the place Gotta keep my elbows tucked down by my waist Can't get excited when the DJ drops the bass If I do, I hit petite people in the face - [LOUD SMACK.]
- MAN: Ow! VANCE: My god, are you okay? MAN: Watch where you're going! VANCE: I am so sorry.
Uh You wanna dance? MAN: No! VANCE: Girl, check it out Ooh-wee, let's begin When Shorty backs it up, her booty's on my shins I gotta do a wall squat to match her height My muscles' gonna cramp for the rest of the night ALL: When you tall at the club it ain't what it seems GULED: Tall like a Redwood but I'm not a tree ALL: When you tall at the club it ain't all that tight VANCE: I try to raise the roof but I hit the lights TIM: This what happens when you tall and nature calls Even in here, my head's above the stalls It's really awkward if I look around So I have to take a pee sittin' down GULED: When you tall at the club the grass isn't greener TIM: Most guys at the loo think I'm looking at their wiener - MAN: Dude! - TIM: Sorry.
[URINAL FLUSHES.]
TIM: It's in my peripheral vision! GULED: Oh! [CROWD CHEERING.]
VANCE: Ah! FRANCO: This what happens when you tall at the club People say, "Yo, you are really tall," like GULED: You're not tall.
FRANCO: Yes, I am.
I'm 5'11" and a half.
VANCE: Oh, we got a giant on our hands.
TIM: [LAUGHS.]
Dude, you're embarrassing yourself.
WOMAN: Wow, you're really tall.
What are you, 5'11"? FRANCO: 5'11" and a half! WOMAN: Amazing.
You should come join us for drinks.
GULED: So when you see us tall titans VANCE: Show us some love TIM: 'Cause it ain't always easy ALL: Being tall at the club FRANCO: Yes, it is! TIM: Thanks for bringing me here.
FRANCO: Oh, no problem.
I'm surprised you don't go to the gym.
TIM: Ah, there's a certain kind of guy who works out that I find intimidating.
FRANCO: Not here.
Everyone's super nice.
I'll introduce you.
Hey, bro! VANCE: 'Sup, bro? FRANCO: 'Sup, bro? - VANCE: Gains? - FRANCO: Gains, bro.
- VANCE: 'Sup, bro? - TIM: Hello, how are you? - VANCE: What the fuck, bro? - FRANCO: Oh, bro, bro, bro! - VANCE: What the fuck, bro? - TIM: I was just trying to say hello! - FRANCO: Just let me do the talking! - VANCE: Get at me, bro! FRANCO: Bro, bro, bro! Gains, bro! Bro? Paleo.
VANCE: Swole, bro? FRANCO: Beast mode, bro.
VANCE: Leg day, bro.
New regimen, bro.
FRANCO: Oh.
Sick guns, bro.
Super Bowl.
Bro, bro Bro? Bro-bro-bro-bro? VANCE: Creatine, bro.
Whey protein.
FRANCO: Isolates.
TIM: What the hell just happened? FRANCO: He's got a big competition coming up, so he can be a bit skittish.
- You should try feeding him! - TIM: What? FRANCO: It's mint chocolate, his favourite.
- Now, approach slowly.
- VANCE: [STRAINING.]
FRANCO: Go from underneath so he knows you're not attacking him.
He's more scared of you than you are of him.
TIM: Bro? - Like this? - FRANCO: Yeah.
- That's good.
- VANCE: [SNIFFING.]
FRANCO: Now, let him come to you.
- VANCE: [SNIFFING.]
- FRANCO: That's it.
TIM: Joe Rogan, bro.
[LAUGHS.]
It tickles! VANCE: Protein, bro.
Sick, bro.
FRANCO: Shark Week.
Spike TV, bro.
TIM: This is pretty cool.
VANCE: Bro! [COUGHING.]
Bro! - Bro! - FRANCO: Oh! I think he needs his bottle.
- [SLURPING NOISES.]
- TIM: So This is the gym, huh? FRANCO: Yeah, pretty much.
WOMAN: Thank you.
BEN: Mmm! - So good.
- WOMAN: Mm-hm! BEN: What flavour did you say it was again? WOMAN: Acai and pineapple.
- BEN: Ah, yum-my! - WOMAN: Mm-hm.
BEN: You might be a white girl but eating this makes me feel - like a white girl.
- [LAUGHTER.]
WOMAN: Oh my god! You're so silly.
Get out! Did you catch BEN: Don't even say it! When Archie turned to Veronica and said BOTH: "I love you!" Ah! WOMAN: I know! BEN: And what's up with the Gargoyle King? - I'm just saying.
- WOMAN: True.
Ugh, I love hanging out with you, Ben.
BEN: Me too.
WOMAN: You're such a good listener and you've dropped some serious Riverdale knowledge on me.
BEN: Look, I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
WOMAN: [LAUGHS.]
I feel like we're on the same page.
I mean, I feel like you're not even black.
Like, you're black but you're not "black" black.
BEN: Ah WOMAN: Oh Was that racist? Ugh, I'm so sorry.
I try to be an ally, but I have a lot to learn.
BEN: It's fine.
I got what you were saying.
WOMAN: Mm-hm.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
BEN: It's working.
I'm slowly infiltrating white society.
It won't be long till someone invites me to their cottage where I'll wear Billabong shorts and go kayaking.
- [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
- [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
- WOMAN: Ben? - BEN: Oh WOMAN: You okay? BEN: Yeah, I just thought this ice cream - could use some chia seeds.
- WOMAN: Good call.
Chia seeds! BEN: Too easy! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
VANCE: Okay, so it's like a bed and breakfast - but it's for horses? - TIM: It's a stable.
How have you not heard of this before? FRANCO: Guled, did you pick a rap beef with Butcha C? - GULED: Uh - VANCE: Who's that? FRANCO: Only the most lethal diss rapper alive! GULED: I mean, we had a small exchange online.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, Butcha C, the only laws you break are the laws of grammar.
[LAUGHS.]
Y, O, U, apostrophe, R, E! [LAUGHS.]
Hm.
BUTCHA C: [RAPPING.]
Yo, is that your reputation? Excuse me while I tarnish it I kill and sell drugs I'm a bloodthirsty pharmacist but - [PHONE BUZZES.]
- BUTCHA C: Hold on.
- Man, what the fuck?! - GULED: Whoa.
FRANCO: You do not correct Butcha C on his grammar.
TIM: Spelling, syntax, word comprehension, - he's sensitive about it all! - VANCE: Look! He's already started posting threats.
- GULED: "Prepare to " [LAUGHS.]
- One too many O's in "too.
" I'll let him know.
FRANCO: Guled, stop! He'll kill you.
TIM: Don't you know what happened to the last person who corrected his grammar? BUTCHA C: "I, O, N, S," "millennials.
" JUDGE: Incorrect, and not even close.
BUTCHA C: [GROWLS.]
You're dead! - GULED: I'm dead! - [STABBING SOUND EFFECT.]
BUTCHA C: [RAPPING.]
Yeah! Guled, watch your back I'm comin' for ya Yeah! Sleep with one eye open Guled, you're dead, the coroner filed the report I made a good post, you left a wild retort Now I'm gonna have your body defiled for sport All your moneys, alimony, pay your child support This ain't your lucky day, you serendipitous victim This ain't even my crew, they your illegitimate children! Yeah! Ugh, you a dad now, punk! VANCE: [SIGHS.]
I hate to admit it, but that was pretty dope.
GULED: It'll be okay, though, right, guys? [KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]
FRANCO: Play that back again.
TIM: Number one on trending? - FRANCO: Oh, man, that's so good.
- GIRL 1: Guled Abdi? - GULED: Uh - GIRL 2: We're your children! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
TIM: Whoa You really do have kids! GULED: I guess I do.
Being a dad is a huge responsibility.
I don't know if I'm ready.
VANCE: Guled, you gotta do the honourable thing Run for it.
- FRANCO: It's the only way.
- TIM: We'll watch the kids.
GULED: No, I've been running my whole life.
I ain't running no more.
I want to set an example for these two little strangers that may or may not be my children.
No offence.
No offence.
GIRL 1: None taken.
GULED: I have to clap back.
[CLAPPING.]
TIM: Are we really doing this? - Ugh - [CLAPPING.]
FAN: Fan here with Scrum City.
I'm here at the Six's hottest new restaurant.
This unique pop-up delivers classic Asian dishes with a dash of authentic grade-school harassment.
It's not just Asian food, it's the Asian experience.
Welcome to Cafeteria.
Chef Corey uses traditional recipes but with local ingredients, so it tastes like Mom's cooking but it feels like being humiliated in the lunchroom right here in Canada.
Chef, what's your inspiration? CHEF COREY: Public school.
In '97, a kid named Yang would bring in different-looking foods.
The other kids hated it.
But I thought, "Hang on.
Different-looking foods from a different-looking kid, I should sell that!" FAN: And boy, did you ever! CHEF COREY: Here, we have a spicy pad Thai.
Hand-rolled rice noodles, fresh tamarind sauce, - and marinated tofu.
- FAN: Mmm! CHEF COREY: It's served with a grade 8 bully, Jeff.
JEFF: Looks like snakes.
- Disgusting.
- FAN: Mmm! Now, that takes me back.
CHEF COREY: This is a kimchi fried rice.
FAN: Wow.
CHEF COREY: It's made with free-range eggs and an organic, impolite six-year-old.
KID: Eww! Pee-yew! FAN: Mmm, adorable yet hurtful.
CHEF COREY: [CHUCKLES.]
Our final item, the banh mi.
FAN: Oh, wow.
CHEF COREY: It's a classic Vietnamese sandwich paired with Amy, your high school girlfriend who dumped you because of your background.
AMY: Hey, man.
You're great, it's just my parents wouldn't understand.
I'm sorry.
FAN: Yeah, that's what that tastes like.
- What's for dessert? - CHEF COREY: Dessert? We're famous for our coconut-based halo-halo that's served off your shirt.
FAN: Mmm Yum.
VANCE: Oh, wow! FAN: Now, that's slammin'! Well, I got my order of chicken curry packed by the in-house immigrant parents.
It didn't cost me anything because they sacrificed so much for me to be here.
All that's left to do now is eat! KID: You can't sit here.
JEFF: Yeah.
FAN: Mmm! Cafeteria is as authentic as it gets, so I'm giving it the official Scrum City Seal of Approval.
[LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR.]
JEFF: I'm fighting whoever's in that stall! FAN: Till next time.
TOM: Hey, know what I've been thinking about? BOYFRIEND: Oh, that time I forgot to put a lid on the blender and chickpeas got all over your boss? [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
TOM: No, that's not it.
BOYFRIEND: Good, 'cause hummus was not his colour.
- [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
- [BASS GUITAR RIFF.]
TOM: No, I was thinking that these last six months have been amazing.
AUDIENCE: Aw! TOM: But I'm gonna have to break up with you.
- AUDIENCE: [GASPING.]
- BOYFRIEND: What? Why? Is it because I brought home that stray dog that turned out to be a raccoon? I'm sorry Fido couldn't fetch! [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
TOM: I'm breaking up with you because you hired a sitcom audience! AUDIENCE: Ooh! TOM: They follow you everywhere you go! [WHISPERED.]
They've watched us have sex! AUDIENCE: [WHISTLING AND CATCALLING.]
BOYFRIEND: What you sayin' to me, Tom? - [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
- TOM: You're the one paying them! BOYFRIEND: What's that mean ? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
DIRECTOR: All right, everybody, that's five for commercial.
AUDIENCE: [YAWNING AND QUIET CHATTER.]
VANCE: Okay, I need your advice.
How are you keeping your laugh so genuine? I'm having such a tough time.
FRANCO: Oh, you need to have something in the chamber.
When I get tired, I imagine a cat and dog running a small successful business.
[LAUGHS.]
Gets me every time! I'm actually working on a screenplay - that's called "Cat and" - TOM: Stop it! - VANCE: They're actually fighting.
- BOYFRIEND: give me the validation - I don't get from you.
- TOM: Well, I'll try! But sometimes it's like you're not there.
- You've gotta talk to me.
- BOYFRIEND: We do talk.
It just happens to be really quippy banter.
TOM: I need something deeper.
BOYFRIEND: Look, my writers have something in the pipeline you're going to love.
- TOM: You've got writers? - BOYFRIEND: Yeah! TOM: We need to get on the same page! BOYFRIEND: Well, I'll find my script.
TOM: Just be real with me.
Because it's either this Or me.
What's it gonna be? Look, I get it.
It's scary when someone gets close to you because you feel like if they see who you really are, they'll cut and run.
You gotta take a chance.
Can you do that? BOYFRIEND: Tom Can you repeat that? We're just on commercial break right now.
TOM: Ugh! My goodness.
- DIRECTOR: And we're back! - BOYFRIEND: Tom, wait! TOM: What? You want me to stay? BOYFRIEND: No, I just need you to freeze while we roll credits.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
[SITCOM THEME SONG.]
GULED: Psst! Psst! Psst! VANCE: Yes, hello? Hi.
GULED: You signed Meredith's birthday card yet? VANCE: Meredith from Accounts? MEREDITH: I'm so excited.
GULED: [WHISPERED.]
Don't look at her.
Be cool.
Yeah, you gotta sign the card.
- VANCE: Do you have it? - GULED: Can't do it here, man.
She'll see.
Meet me in front of the building in five minutes.
VANCE: Why aren't you looking at me? [SPY MUSIC PLAYING.]
VANCE: All right, you got the card? GULED: Shh! Can't do it here, man.
Come on.
TIM: My, what lovely weather we're having.
GULED: Not a cloud in the sky.
GULED: We've lingered too long.
VANCE: You're just gonna leave that there? [LOUD BANG.]
GULED: We're good.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
GULED: Birthday are the best suits of all.
FRANCO: Yes.
Suit yourself.
VANCE: Okay, this seems a bit elaborate just to sign a birthday card.
GULED: This is about Meredith.
I mean, a card on her birthday? She'll never see it coming! But we need to maintain the element of surprise.
VANCE: Yeah, but why are we here? GULED: To get a pen, dummy! VANCE: No, I don't actually know Meredith all that well.
GULED: Keep moving.
The walls have eyes.
Let me just signal to make sure everything's all right.
Morse code.
[FLASHLIGHT CLICKING ON AND OFF.]
GULED: Works better at night.
VANCE: Okay, can you just give me the card? Please? Geez.
There's so many signatures in here.
Are you getting any work done? GULED: No.
VANCE: [SIGHS.]
"Happy birthday Meredith.
MEREDITH: What? A birthday card? And you're just gonna sign it right in front of me? Thanks for nothing! GULED: Oh, uh [HELICOPTER WHIRRING OVERHEAD.]
GULED: Oh no, that's the cake.
Meredith, come back! GULED: Here we go! Clap your hands, everybody Everybody, clap your hands My name is G to the U to the L-E-D Now, come on, everybody, and follow me I'm a fun-loving guy who's 6 foot 8 But you see, it's not that great I said a skittly-bop-bee diddly-doo But you see, never seen a zoo I take my kids there all the time Fatherhood's got me feeling fine ALL: Butcha C has shown me how GULED: To be a good daddy and raise my family Ah-ha, ha-ha-ha! GULED: So, looks like this jack made a diss track.
FRANCO: The end barely rhymed.
I'm not sure that's legally rap.
TIM: Why did we agree to be in that? Do you think Butcha C will get mad at us too? FRANCO: There's only 14 views.
He'll probably never see it.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
- BUTCHA C: [CLAPPING.]
Clap yo' hands, everybody.
Everybody, clap yo' hands.
I said clap yo' hands! [SWIFT CLAPPING.]
BUTCHA C: This was always gonna end in a hail of bullets, but after watching your video 14 times, I realized this needs to end in a hail of peace.
[RELIEVED SIGHS.]
BUTCHA C: See, what you said about fatherhood really resonated with me, as I have a complicated relationship with my own dad, if you can believe it or not.
GULED: Yeah, I can believe that.
BUTCHA C: These kids are pretty lucky to have you.
GULED: I'm the one who's lucky.
BUTCHA C: And all that stuff you said about the zoo cut deep.
I've actually never been.
Anyway, I guess I'll get out of your hair now.
[SIGHS.]
GULED: Hey We were gonna go to the zoo.
Would you like to tag along? BUTCHA C: [GIGGLES.]
GULED: I think that's a yes! GULED: Here we go! There's a place you can go where nature's your teacher FRANCO: It's called the zoo and it's full of creatures VANCE: Big and small, winged and aquatic BUTCHA C: Some are friendly, others neurotic ALL: Who who who? GULED: You're at the zoo ALL: Who who who? GULED: I'm talking to you Ah-ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha Ha, ha, ha-a-a!
FRANCO: Chink.
GULED: Nigger.
TIM: I was going to say that one.
VANCE: Go back to the reserve.
FRANCO: Go back to China.
GULED: Go back to Africa.
TIM: Can we, like, switch up the order? Or, you know, I'm just gonna start my own one.
It's not easy being the only black kid who VANCE: In the small town where my mother was born, I couldn't buy a drink because they thought it was "dangerous.
" FRANCO: I was teaching my mom English, when a man called us zipperheads.
My mom's like, "What'd he say?" I didn't have the heart to translate.
TIM: I went for a drive with a friend and the cops pulled us over.
The officer reached for his weapon TIM & GULED: And as I looked down the barrel of the gun - GULED: I thought to myself - TIM: What the fuck? - GULED: Who witnessed this? - TIM: I was in the car with you! GULED: Bang! Another black man down.
TIM: No one got shot.
- VANCE: End - FRANCO: Racism GULED: Now! TIM: I agree.
- VANCE: We - FRANCO: Need GULED: Change! TIM: Yup! Can we do like a four-person thing? You know, so we can all equally contribute to this? - VANCE: Power - FRANCO: To - GULED: The People! - TIM: What? He's using two arms right now! Are you guys not seeing this? He's goddamned Supermanning.
VANCE: Help each other.
FRANCO: Help each other.
- GULED: Help each - TIM: Screw you guys! [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC.]
VANCE, FRANCO & GULED: Pepsi, uniting our thirst! [HUMMING A JINGLE.]
TIM: Wait, this is a commercial? What the hell! [CLUB MUSIC PLAYING.]
WOMAN: Oh! WOMAN 2: Wow, those guys are so tall.
WOMAN: Must be nice being that tall in the club.
ALL: This what happens when you tall at the club GULED: All eyes on us as we hover above VANCE: Being tall at the club is everyone's dream TIM: But not when you got low self-esteem GULED: Locked eyes with a girl who's just my type GULED: When I walk up to her, I hit my head on a pipe ALL: Ow! GULED: I try to rebound, I use my catchphrase ALL: "Howdy!" GULED: But she can't hear me so she just walks away FRANCO: When you tall at the club GULED: You can't hide your gloom TIM: People see you fail from every part of the room GULED: Everyone's lookin', I feel like a schlub ALL: But this what happens when you tall at the club - [LOUD BANG.]
- GULED: Ow! Goddamn it! Pipes everywhere! FRANCO: It's industrial design.
- GULED: Who designed this? - FRANCO: Frank Gehry.
GULED: [SIGHS.]
VANCE: This what happens when you tall in the place Gotta keep my elbows tucked down by my waist Can't get excited when the DJ drops the bass If I do, I hit petite people in the face - [LOUD SMACK.]
- MAN: Ow! VANCE: My god, are you okay? MAN: Watch where you're going! VANCE: I am so sorry.
Uh You wanna dance? MAN: No! VANCE: Girl, check it out Ooh-wee, let's begin When Shorty backs it up, her booty's on my shins I gotta do a wall squat to match her height My muscles' gonna cramp for the rest of the night ALL: When you tall at the club it ain't what it seems GULED: Tall like a Redwood but I'm not a tree ALL: When you tall at the club it ain't all that tight VANCE: I try to raise the roof but I hit the lights TIM: This what happens when you tall and nature calls Even in here, my head's above the stalls It's really awkward if I look around So I have to take a pee sittin' down GULED: When you tall at the club the grass isn't greener TIM: Most guys at the loo think I'm looking at their wiener - MAN: Dude! - TIM: Sorry.
[URINAL FLUSHES.]
TIM: It's in my peripheral vision! GULED: Oh! [CROWD CHEERING.]
VANCE: Ah! FRANCO: This what happens when you tall at the club People say, "Yo, you are really tall," like GULED: You're not tall.
FRANCO: Yes, I am.
I'm 5'11" and a half.
VANCE: Oh, we got a giant on our hands.
TIM: [LAUGHS.]
Dude, you're embarrassing yourself.
WOMAN: Wow, you're really tall.
What are you, 5'11"? FRANCO: 5'11" and a half! WOMAN: Amazing.
You should come join us for drinks.
GULED: So when you see us tall titans VANCE: Show us some love TIM: 'Cause it ain't always easy ALL: Being tall at the club FRANCO: Yes, it is! TIM: Thanks for bringing me here.
FRANCO: Oh, no problem.
I'm surprised you don't go to the gym.
TIM: Ah, there's a certain kind of guy who works out that I find intimidating.
FRANCO: Not here.
Everyone's super nice.
I'll introduce you.
Hey, bro! VANCE: 'Sup, bro? FRANCO: 'Sup, bro? - VANCE: Gains? - FRANCO: Gains, bro.
- VANCE: 'Sup, bro? - TIM: Hello, how are you? - VANCE: What the fuck, bro? - FRANCO: Oh, bro, bro, bro! - VANCE: What the fuck, bro? - TIM: I was just trying to say hello! - FRANCO: Just let me do the talking! - VANCE: Get at me, bro! FRANCO: Bro, bro, bro! Gains, bro! Bro? Paleo.
VANCE: Swole, bro? FRANCO: Beast mode, bro.
VANCE: Leg day, bro.
New regimen, bro.
FRANCO: Oh.
Sick guns, bro.
Super Bowl.
Bro, bro Bro? Bro-bro-bro-bro? VANCE: Creatine, bro.
Whey protein.
FRANCO: Isolates.
TIM: What the hell just happened? FRANCO: He's got a big competition coming up, so he can be a bit skittish.
- You should try feeding him! - TIM: What? FRANCO: It's mint chocolate, his favourite.
- Now, approach slowly.
- VANCE: [STRAINING.]
FRANCO: Go from underneath so he knows you're not attacking him.
He's more scared of you than you are of him.
TIM: Bro? - Like this? - FRANCO: Yeah.
- That's good.
- VANCE: [SNIFFING.]
FRANCO: Now, let him come to you.
- VANCE: [SNIFFING.]
- FRANCO: That's it.
TIM: Joe Rogan, bro.
[LAUGHS.]
It tickles! VANCE: Protein, bro.
Sick, bro.
FRANCO: Shark Week.
Spike TV, bro.
TIM: This is pretty cool.
VANCE: Bro! [COUGHING.]
Bro! - Bro! - FRANCO: Oh! I think he needs his bottle.
- [SLURPING NOISES.]
- TIM: So This is the gym, huh? FRANCO: Yeah, pretty much.
WOMAN: Thank you.
BEN: Mmm! - So good.
- WOMAN: Mm-hm! BEN: What flavour did you say it was again? WOMAN: Acai and pineapple.
- BEN: Ah, yum-my! - WOMAN: Mm-hm.
BEN: You might be a white girl but eating this makes me feel - like a white girl.
- [LAUGHTER.]
WOMAN: Oh my god! You're so silly.
Get out! Did you catch BEN: Don't even say it! When Archie turned to Veronica and said BOTH: "I love you!" Ah! WOMAN: I know! BEN: And what's up with the Gargoyle King? - I'm just saying.
- WOMAN: True.
Ugh, I love hanging out with you, Ben.
BEN: Me too.
WOMAN: You're such a good listener and you've dropped some serious Riverdale knowledge on me.
BEN: Look, I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
WOMAN: [LAUGHS.]
I feel like we're on the same page.
I mean, I feel like you're not even black.
Like, you're black but you're not "black" black.
BEN: Ah WOMAN: Oh Was that racist? Ugh, I'm so sorry.
I try to be an ally, but I have a lot to learn.
BEN: It's fine.
I got what you were saying.
WOMAN: Mm-hm.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
BEN: It's working.
I'm slowly infiltrating white society.
It won't be long till someone invites me to their cottage where I'll wear Billabong shorts and go kayaking.
- [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
- [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
- [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
- WOMAN: Ben? - BEN: Oh WOMAN: You okay? BEN: Yeah, I just thought this ice cream - could use some chia seeds.
- WOMAN: Good call.
Chia seeds! BEN: Too easy! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
VANCE: Okay, so it's like a bed and breakfast - but it's for horses? - TIM: It's a stable.
How have you not heard of this before? FRANCO: Guled, did you pick a rap beef with Butcha C? - GULED: Uh - VANCE: Who's that? FRANCO: Only the most lethal diss rapper alive! GULED: I mean, we had a small exchange online.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, Butcha C, the only laws you break are the laws of grammar.
[LAUGHS.]
Y, O, U, apostrophe, R, E! [LAUGHS.]
Hm.
BUTCHA C: [RAPPING.]
Yo, is that your reputation? Excuse me while I tarnish it I kill and sell drugs I'm a bloodthirsty pharmacist but - [PHONE BUZZES.]
- BUTCHA C: Hold on.
- Man, what the fuck?! - GULED: Whoa.
FRANCO: You do not correct Butcha C on his grammar.
TIM: Spelling, syntax, word comprehension, - he's sensitive about it all! - VANCE: Look! He's already started posting threats.
- GULED: "Prepare to " [LAUGHS.]
- One too many O's in "too.
" I'll let him know.
FRANCO: Guled, stop! He'll kill you.
TIM: Don't you know what happened to the last person who corrected his grammar? BUTCHA C: "I, O, N, S," "millennials.
" JUDGE: Incorrect, and not even close.
BUTCHA C: [GROWLS.]
You're dead! - GULED: I'm dead! - [STABBING SOUND EFFECT.]
BUTCHA C: [RAPPING.]
Yeah! Guled, watch your back I'm comin' for ya Yeah! Sleep with one eye open Guled, you're dead, the coroner filed the report I made a good post, you left a wild retort Now I'm gonna have your body defiled for sport All your moneys, alimony, pay your child support This ain't your lucky day, you serendipitous victim This ain't even my crew, they your illegitimate children! Yeah! Ugh, you a dad now, punk! VANCE: [SIGHS.]
I hate to admit it, but that was pretty dope.
GULED: It'll be okay, though, right, guys? [KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]
FRANCO: Play that back again.
TIM: Number one on trending? - FRANCO: Oh, man, that's so good.
- GIRL 1: Guled Abdi? - GULED: Uh - GIRL 2: We're your children! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
TIM: Whoa You really do have kids! GULED: I guess I do.
Being a dad is a huge responsibility.
I don't know if I'm ready.
VANCE: Guled, you gotta do the honourable thing Run for it.
- FRANCO: It's the only way.
- TIM: We'll watch the kids.
GULED: No, I've been running my whole life.
I ain't running no more.
I want to set an example for these two little strangers that may or may not be my children.
No offence.
No offence.
GIRL 1: None taken.
GULED: I have to clap back.
[CLAPPING.]
TIM: Are we really doing this? - Ugh - [CLAPPING.]
FAN: Fan here with Scrum City.
I'm here at the Six's hottest new restaurant.
This unique pop-up delivers classic Asian dishes with a dash of authentic grade-school harassment.
It's not just Asian food, it's the Asian experience.
Welcome to Cafeteria.
Chef Corey uses traditional recipes but with local ingredients, so it tastes like Mom's cooking but it feels like being humiliated in the lunchroom right here in Canada.
Chef, what's your inspiration? CHEF COREY: Public school.
In '97, a kid named Yang would bring in different-looking foods.
The other kids hated it.
But I thought, "Hang on.
Different-looking foods from a different-looking kid, I should sell that!" FAN: And boy, did you ever! CHEF COREY: Here, we have a spicy pad Thai.
Hand-rolled rice noodles, fresh tamarind sauce, - and marinated tofu.
- FAN: Mmm! CHEF COREY: It's served with a grade 8 bully, Jeff.
JEFF: Looks like snakes.
- Disgusting.
- FAN: Mmm! Now, that takes me back.
CHEF COREY: This is a kimchi fried rice.
FAN: Wow.
CHEF COREY: It's made with free-range eggs and an organic, impolite six-year-old.
KID: Eww! Pee-yew! FAN: Mmm, adorable yet hurtful.
CHEF COREY: [CHUCKLES.]
Our final item, the banh mi.
FAN: Oh, wow.
CHEF COREY: It's a classic Vietnamese sandwich paired with Amy, your high school girlfriend who dumped you because of your background.
AMY: Hey, man.
You're great, it's just my parents wouldn't understand.
I'm sorry.
FAN: Yeah, that's what that tastes like.
- What's for dessert? - CHEF COREY: Dessert? We're famous for our coconut-based halo-halo that's served off your shirt.
FAN: Mmm Yum.
VANCE: Oh, wow! FAN: Now, that's slammin'! Well, I got my order of chicken curry packed by the in-house immigrant parents.
It didn't cost me anything because they sacrificed so much for me to be here.
All that's left to do now is eat! KID: You can't sit here.
JEFF: Yeah.
FAN: Mmm! Cafeteria is as authentic as it gets, so I'm giving it the official Scrum City Seal of Approval.
[LOUD KNOCK ON DOOR.]
JEFF: I'm fighting whoever's in that stall! FAN: Till next time.
TOM: Hey, know what I've been thinking about? BOYFRIEND: Oh, that time I forgot to put a lid on the blender and chickpeas got all over your boss? [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
TOM: No, that's not it.
BOYFRIEND: Good, 'cause hummus was not his colour.
- [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
- [BASS GUITAR RIFF.]
TOM: No, I was thinking that these last six months have been amazing.
AUDIENCE: Aw! TOM: But I'm gonna have to break up with you.
- AUDIENCE: [GASPING.]
- BOYFRIEND: What? Why? Is it because I brought home that stray dog that turned out to be a raccoon? I'm sorry Fido couldn't fetch! [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
TOM: I'm breaking up with you because you hired a sitcom audience! AUDIENCE: Ooh! TOM: They follow you everywhere you go! [WHISPERED.]
They've watched us have sex! AUDIENCE: [WHISTLING AND CATCALLING.]
BOYFRIEND: What you sayin' to me, Tom? - [OFF-CAMERA LAUGHTER.]
- TOM: You're the one paying them! BOYFRIEND: What's that mean ? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
DIRECTOR: All right, everybody, that's five for commercial.
AUDIENCE: [YAWNING AND QUIET CHATTER.]
VANCE: Okay, I need your advice.
How are you keeping your laugh so genuine? I'm having such a tough time.
FRANCO: Oh, you need to have something in the chamber.
When I get tired, I imagine a cat and dog running a small successful business.
[LAUGHS.]
Gets me every time! I'm actually working on a screenplay - that's called "Cat and" - TOM: Stop it! - VANCE: They're actually fighting.
- BOYFRIEND: give me the validation - I don't get from you.
- TOM: Well, I'll try! But sometimes it's like you're not there.
- You've gotta talk to me.
- BOYFRIEND: We do talk.
It just happens to be really quippy banter.
TOM: I need something deeper.
BOYFRIEND: Look, my writers have something in the pipeline you're going to love.
- TOM: You've got writers? - BOYFRIEND: Yeah! TOM: We need to get on the same page! BOYFRIEND: Well, I'll find my script.
TOM: Just be real with me.
Because it's either this Or me.
What's it gonna be? Look, I get it.
It's scary when someone gets close to you because you feel like if they see who you really are, they'll cut and run.
You gotta take a chance.
Can you do that? BOYFRIEND: Tom Can you repeat that? We're just on commercial break right now.
TOM: Ugh! My goodness.
- DIRECTOR: And we're back! - BOYFRIEND: Tom, wait! TOM: What? You want me to stay? BOYFRIEND: No, I just need you to freeze while we roll credits.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
[SITCOM THEME SONG.]
GULED: Psst! Psst! Psst! VANCE: Yes, hello? Hi.
GULED: You signed Meredith's birthday card yet? VANCE: Meredith from Accounts? MEREDITH: I'm so excited.
GULED: [WHISPERED.]
Don't look at her.
Be cool.
Yeah, you gotta sign the card.
- VANCE: Do you have it? - GULED: Can't do it here, man.
She'll see.
Meet me in front of the building in five minutes.
VANCE: Why aren't you looking at me? [SPY MUSIC PLAYING.]
VANCE: All right, you got the card? GULED: Shh! Can't do it here, man.
Come on.
TIM: My, what lovely weather we're having.
GULED: Not a cloud in the sky.
GULED: We've lingered too long.
VANCE: You're just gonna leave that there? [LOUD BANG.]
GULED: We're good.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
GULED: Birthday are the best suits of all.
FRANCO: Yes.
Suit yourself.
VANCE: Okay, this seems a bit elaborate just to sign a birthday card.
GULED: This is about Meredith.
I mean, a card on her birthday? She'll never see it coming! But we need to maintain the element of surprise.
VANCE: Yeah, but why are we here? GULED: To get a pen, dummy! VANCE: No, I don't actually know Meredith all that well.
GULED: Keep moving.
The walls have eyes.
Let me just signal to make sure everything's all right.
Morse code.
[FLASHLIGHT CLICKING ON AND OFF.]
GULED: Works better at night.
VANCE: Okay, can you just give me the card? Please? Geez.
There's so many signatures in here.
Are you getting any work done? GULED: No.
VANCE: [SIGHS.]
"Happy birthday Meredith.
MEREDITH: What? A birthday card? And you're just gonna sign it right in front of me? Thanks for nothing! GULED: Oh, uh [HELICOPTER WHIRRING OVERHEAD.]
GULED: Oh no, that's the cake.
Meredith, come back! GULED: Here we go! Clap your hands, everybody Everybody, clap your hands My name is G to the U to the L-E-D Now, come on, everybody, and follow me I'm a fun-loving guy who's 6 foot 8 But you see, it's not that great I said a skittly-bop-bee diddly-doo But you see, never seen a zoo I take my kids there all the time Fatherhood's got me feeling fine ALL: Butcha C has shown me how GULED: To be a good daddy and raise my family Ah-ha, ha-ha-ha! GULED: So, looks like this jack made a diss track.
FRANCO: The end barely rhymed.
I'm not sure that's legally rap.
TIM: Why did we agree to be in that? Do you think Butcha C will get mad at us too? FRANCO: There's only 14 views.
He'll probably never see it.
- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
- BUTCHA C: [CLAPPING.]
Clap yo' hands, everybody.
Everybody, clap yo' hands.
I said clap yo' hands! [SWIFT CLAPPING.]
BUTCHA C: This was always gonna end in a hail of bullets, but after watching your video 14 times, I realized this needs to end in a hail of peace.
[RELIEVED SIGHS.]
BUTCHA C: See, what you said about fatherhood really resonated with me, as I have a complicated relationship with my own dad, if you can believe it or not.
GULED: Yeah, I can believe that.
BUTCHA C: These kids are pretty lucky to have you.
GULED: I'm the one who's lucky.
BUTCHA C: And all that stuff you said about the zoo cut deep.
I've actually never been.
Anyway, I guess I'll get out of your hair now.
[SIGHS.]
GULED: Hey We were gonna go to the zoo.
Would you like to tag along? BUTCHA C: [GIGGLES.]
GULED: I think that's a yes! GULED: Here we go! There's a place you can go where nature's your teacher FRANCO: It's called the zoo and it's full of creatures VANCE: Big and small, winged and aquatic BUTCHA C: Some are friendly, others neurotic ALL: Who who who? GULED: You're at the zoo ALL: Who who who? GULED: I'm talking to you Ah-ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha Ha, ha, ha-a-a!