Telenovela (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 I can feel it in my toes drop to the beat like no one knows well, they don't know me like that well, they don't know me like that oh, I am never gonna stop all the haters gonna see me on top Uh-oh.
Guys, guys.
Our worst nightmare's come true.
It's Isabela's birthday.
You always do that joke.
I know, 'cause it's so funny, but this time, it's for real.
That's not good.
- Are you sure? - Yeah! Her agent sent her flowers.
- Oh.
- This is not a drill.
So what do we do? We survive.
We know she's going to be in a bad mood, so that means don't talk to her, don't touch her, don't even think about her! She'll know! - Coffee, now.
- Whoa! Good luck, everyone.
All right, let's get this over with before I forget my one line.
One line, can you believe it? I'm an award-winning actress.
I've been doing telenovelas for 20 years which is remarkable considering how young I am.
How young are you? Any guesses? - 112? - 35? Here's your coffee.
I said almond milk! Ow! She did it again! All right, calm down, Cruella de Vil.
We all know it's your birthday.
Don't you think you're overreacting? You're right.
What is wrong with me? You know, my father left us on my sixth birthday, and I always thought, "If I were only prettier or smarter, he would've come back.
" I guess when I lash out, it's just me saying, "Love me, Daddy.
" Oh, Isabela.
I had no idea.
And that, bitches, is how you act.
She didn't-- she didn't get me.
She got me.
I hate that Isabela tricked us into having feelings for her.
I know.
For a minute there, I thought she had blood pumping through her cold, dead heart.
I just hate secrets.
They ruin relationships.
It's true.
My ex-husband told secrets, and now he's in jail.
Yeah, my last boyfriend told me he was naturally blond, but then in the winter, when his body hair grew back.
I found that it was all a lie.
Exactly.
You know, we spend so much time together.
How are we supposed to be a family if we can't trust each other? Get me up, Mimi.
Okay.
Oh, all right, everybody! I have an announcement.
Just-- really quick.
Why isn't anybody gathering? You've been making a lot of announcements lately.
People are starting to get bored.
You might have to entice them with something.
Hmm.
Ice cream for everyone.
And since you're all here, I want to give you encouragement to share more of yourselves.
I want us to stay a tight-knit family, so from now on, we're going to have an open-book policy.
No more secrets, okay? I'll be the first to share.
I once broke my thumb playing with a very strong baby.
Anyone else want to share? Okay.
My wife just left me.
Maybe let's just start with the fun stuff, to ease in.
I own two Segways.
Fun! Unnecessary but fun.
Oh, when I get stressed out, I eat chalk.
His wife left him for me.
Okay, you know what? We're gonna-- we're gonna find our groove.
But great sharing, you guys.
Good job.
- Doesn't go all the way up? - Nope.
I don't know what happened.
It was fine yesterday in the killer bee scene, but today it just got stuck.
It's a tricky little guy.
I mean, big guy.
I-- I wouldn't know.
How would I know? Would it be easier if I took the pants off? Okay, thanks.
If you're trying on new laughs, I'd have a back-up option.
Well, what sound should I make when I'm feeling up my co-worker? So what's going on with you? Hmm.
Come on.
Open-book policy.
Last night, I had a sex dream about Rodrigo.
- What? - We were on the beach.
And there were all these dolphins watching.
They were really pervy too, because they kept high-fiving each other, like-- - Dolphins are pervy.
- Mm.
Xavi and I were snorkeling in the Bahamas, and one of them stuck their tongue in my ear.
- Ew.
- Mm.
So you have a thing for Rodrigo? No, it's just been a long time since I've, you know-- If you think that's sex, it has been a long time.
Tell me about it.
Well, if it's sex you need, why don't you sleep with Rodrigo? Are you kidding? Have you seen the girls he's brought around here? I've pumped out three kids, I dye my gray hair, and I've got that weird scar from the mechanical bull.
I told you you were riding it backwards.
- Mimi, you're beautiful.
- Yeah, but I'm not his type.
And, you know, that's okay.
I'm too busy for all this middle school crush crap.
I'm happy with just the fantasy.
Reality requires too much free time.
And waxing.
Hello, Mr Belvedere.
Looks like you walked into a dead zone.
All right, clear the set.
Rehearsing for tomorrow's big stunt.
I love when we do stunts.
There are so many fun toys on set! Breakaway bottles.
Breakaway chairs.
Ooh, breakaway glasses-- Actually, those are Karen's! Oops.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Yep, that should hold.
Tomorrow, my character darts into the room, leaps over this couch, and jumps through that glass window.
You're doing all that? You're so brave! I'm not doing all that.
Got to protect the merch.
That's why we have stunt guys-- Big, brawny dudes that are so tough, they can run through a window and not even feel it.
Xavi, I would like you to meet your stunt double.
Hi, I'm Colleen.
Oh, she's so cute! I got it.
Here you go, mami.
Are you playing Charades without me? One word, movie, four syllables, "Armageddon"! Shh! - Hey, Rodrigo.
- Yo.
Doesn't Mimi look pretty today? Of course.
A strong, worldly, sophisticated woman-- she always looks beautiful.
- Would you sleep with her? - Ana! What? Hypothetically.
No.
I would make love to her.
Screw your open-book policy.
Oh, Mimi! Oh, Mimi's mad at Ana? Happy birthday to me.
Isabela.
There's no one worse than her.
Happy birthday to both of us, sister.
- Carmen! - Hello, Isabela.
I miss you so much! It's a birthday miracle.
Look how happy everyone is.
I'm so scared.
Hi, this is Mimi.
Please leave a message after the-- Ow! Nico, are you kidding me? Throwing a-- Mimi, I've called you four times.
We have to talk about Isabela's crazy twin! Hope you're not asleep already.
It's 8:30, so maybe.
All right, well, call me.
Let's do that again.
Okay.
This is so much better without the dolphins watching.
Hmm? - I'm walking on sunshine - Woot woot! - Somebody's in a good mood.
- Somebody got a little acción.
Had a one-night stand with Rodrigo.
Ow.
What? It was exactly what I needed-- a no-strings-attached good time.
Oh, I'm so happy for you! Open-book policy works! Tell me all the details! Okay, first of all, he has, like, the best body.
Oh! Continue.
And then he does this thing where he kind of revs up like an engine.
Vroom! Vroom! Is something wrong? You guys are basically like my brother and sister.
Maybe if you told me in code, like you're an apple and he's an orange.
Okay, well, you know how an orange has that hard, nubby part? No more.
Fair enough.
Just don't tell anybody we had a one-night stand, okay? Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me.
Okay.
- You slept with Rodrigo? - Starting now.
I only texted Gael! Well, how did you do that? We've maintained eye contact this whole time.
I have a talent.
I'm ordering shoes right now.
I'm gonna need all the details.
Okay, I didn't need all the details.
Oh, no.
Hello, Gael.
It's me, Isabela, not my identical twin.
Oh, thank you for letting me know, as your twin looks in no way, shape, or form younger than you.
Carmen, this is Gael, my sweet little co-star.
So why have we not met Carmen before? Well, growing up, we were the Olsen twins of the novela world.
And then we were both up for the same part in a movie.
Isabela got it, of course, and I was a bit of a sore loser.
Oh, you would've brought so much more to the role.
And I don't mean that as a fat joke.
She was a half pound more than me when we were born.
Oh, stop! I'm just so glad we're finally moving past this.
I thought I lost my sister forever.
You don't know how much this means to me.
Look at me, crying like my housekeeper when I yelled at her for using the good bathroom.
I have to get cleaned up.
I'm shooting a scene where I wake from a coma, but when I bolt up, I hit my head and I fall back into a coma.
Oh! Oh, Gael, I've missed so many years with my sister.
Fill me in-- what's it like working with Isabela? - It's, uh-- - Oh, I know that look.
Isabela is the best, but sometimes she can be prickly.
You know, when we were six, she kidnapped my teddy bear and held it for ransom.
Oh, my God, she did the same thing to my asthma inhaler.
She's crazy! - Hey, Rodrigo.
- Yo.
- Do you use a stunt double? - No.
I do my own stunts.
People call me the Latino Jackie Chan.
Really? If I say it enough, it'll catch on.
Yeah, I'm thinking about doing my own stunts too.
Oh, he's just embarrassed because his stunt man is a woman, but that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Tell him, Rodrigo.
A woman? A woman! It's not funny.
What's wrong? They keep teasing me about my stunt person.
Oh, well, you need a good one, you can use mine.
Her name's Colleen.
You do have the same stunt person! That was funny.
- Good coffee.
- Yeah.
- I made love to Mimi.
- Yes! Now that you know that I know, we can both talk about it.
She was so wild.
I'm sorry, by "talk," I mean in the general sense.
- You happy? Things good? - Oh, yeah, very.
You see? My open-book theory was right! You and Mimi put it out there that you were attracted to each other, and voila! Casual one-night stand where no one gets hurt.
Mimi said it was a casual one-night stand? I'm sorry, what? I was just a body to Mimi? A piece of flesh? Um, um you know, I may have misunderstood.
She did say she loved that weird egg pie you made.
It was a quiche! Oh, yeah.
Rodrigo, are you okay? I didn't mean to upset you earlier.
I'm fine.
I'm a professional.
You think I'm going to let some stupid personal drama affect my work? Ridiculous.
We had a good run.
Oh, come on.
Be a man and let the little girl do your stunt.
- No.
- Fine.
But if you're going face first, try to lead with the forehead, because the nose? Oy, it'll shatter instantly.
Okay, here we go.
Places! And action! Rodrigo, what are you doing? Choke me.
Come on.
I can't do this, not with her here.
Her who? Me? What did I do? It's what you didn't do, i.
e.
, treat me with respect.
You know, "one-night stand," you called it? Yeah, yeah, surprise, everybody.
Mimi and I slept together.
Oh! I may have just been a body to you, but this body has feelings! I know that looks bad.
Uh, are we not going to do the stunt? Cool, cool.
I was totally ready.
So Isabela kicked the whole group of school kids out of the building.
I believe her quote was, "Do you want to be an at-risk youth? Try smiling at me again.
" Between you and me, it's a blast to chat with someone who hates Isabela just as much as I do.
Whoa, I don't hate Isabela.
Mm, I have 45 minutes on here that suggest otherwise.
And then she switched my hair gel with honey, which is how I found out I was allergic to bees.
You've been recording me? Yes! I had to delete my daughter's baby pictures to make room.
But it was worth it.
When my tell-all book comes out, Isabela's life will be destroyed.
You are writing a mean book? You're not here to make peace? I'm here to ruin Isabela's life like she ruined mine.
And thanks to you, I'm already on chapter five.
I can't believe you're the evil twin! Are you still mad at me? You said you were going to keep my secret to yourself.
I feel terrible, but Rodrigo told me about your night.
He knew maybe I'd know, and I knew you knew he knew, so, really, we all knew, you know? Why do secrets have so many rules? Ana, just admit it! Your open-book policy is stupid.
Or if everybody told each other everything at all times, we wouldn't be having this fight.
Okay, you want to know everything? Rodrigo and I had sex three times last night.
And after each time it ended, he'd say, "And scene.
" Ah, okay, I admit it! My open-book theory's wrong.
Ana, your open-book theory is wrong.
I know; I just said that.
Oh.
Well, why didn't you tell me that earlier? Thanks to your advice, I was an open book with Isabela's twin, and now there's an actual book, a tell-all book full of all the dirt I gave her.
Oh, my God, that's awful! Ana, fix this, or else I'll tell you that Rodrigo likes toes, specifically all ten of my toes, shoved in his mouth.
Okay! All right, I'll fix it! There she is.
That phone has all of Isabela's stories on it.
She's leaving.
Stop her! How am I supposed to do that? You're a cop on the show.
Do what he'd do.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Come on! Carmen! Sorry, Carmen, we're not letting you leave with that phone.
Oh? So the secret's out.
Figured you'd be on board, Ana.
According to Gael, most of Isabela's fights involve you.
Isabela and I have a complicated relationship.
Most of the time, we hate each other.
But last year, she held the door open for me.
I mean, she thought I was someone else, but she is part of the show, and I will not let you embarrass her.
Not even if I tell you how old we are? Ooh, that's a tough one.
- It is.
- Yeah.
No.
But could you narrow it down to a decade? - Ooh, give me that.
- Get it, Ana.
Get it.
Get it.
- No! - Ana, get it.
Get it! You can help me, you know.
Give me it! What is going on here? You know you're talking to Carmen, right? - I'm Isabela.
- Oh, Isabela, thank God.
I was trying to stop these lunatics from saying such hurtful things about you, and they attacked me.
She's lying! She's not here to make peace.
She's writing a tell-all book about you.
Who are you gonna believe-- these two or your twin sister? Carmen you're my twin, my other half.
It has killed me to be apart from you for so long, all because I got that movie part.
Why couldn't it have been you? Oh, right.
Because I'm the better actor.
Ooh! Oh, that was a big mistake.
- Oh.
- God.
Well, we should do something.
Ah, yeah.
I got it.
Oh, this is good.
This is good.
don't talk about it just be about it I see you runnin' circles around it I'm always winnin', I'm always shoutin' only the best we make it happen la la la-la-la, la la we make it happen la la la-la-la, la la we make it happen la la la-la-la, la la we make it happen la la la-la-la, la la Oh, yeah, I think it's almost over.
Their arms are getting tired.
Oh, no.
You forgot about their legs.
Ow! Ow! la la la-la-la, la la Whoo! Yeah, baby! Is my face okay? Oh, this was real.
Did your zipper hold up today? It didn't, thank you.
I'm currently stuck in these pants.
Well, you could let me help you.
I don't want you to ever touch me again.
I'm sorry for making you feel bad.
I figured it was a no-strings thing for you too.
I don't do one-night stands.
Two, three, maybe four, depending on what I still need to accomplish.
You mean there was stuff we didn't do? A lot of stuff.
Sex isn't casual to me.
I want the woman that I'm with to feel amazing.
And I did! Rodrigo, this may not sound romantic, but last night felt amazing to me because it was so casual.
All I do is stress about work or the kids, and it was nice for just one evening not to think about any of that, to just think about myself for a change.
I did that for you? Oh, you made me feel very special.
I guess this means Ana's open-book mantra had some merit, not that she needs to hear that.
That can be our new secret, since everyone knows about our old one.
Well, they don't know we spent another night together.
Oh.
Did we? I guess I need help getting out of these pants.
Oh, then I'll go get my scissors.
Oh, oh, okay.
I'm gonna go work on my flirting.
Oh, I'm so happy we're gonna be friends now! No, we're not friends.
But as a reward for your loyalty.
I was going to tell you one personal tidbit that you might find interesting-- my age.
Glad you decided you're no longer telling other people's secrets.