Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[birds squawking]
- Okay, kids, as you know,
our spelling bee team
is heading on to regionals!
So let's bring them out
to show our support.
First up is
Dakota.
And Nelson.
- Is Mr. B. okay?
He seems very worked up.
- Give it up for Hector.
And Suzie!
And our team captain
Rahul!
He ain't no tool!
- Rahul's in the house!
- This is for
the spelling bee team?
- Biggest brain on the block,
pre-med out the womb.
- Okay, Rahul.
Quiet down,
I have something I wanna say.
Now, listen, as proud
as I am of you guys,
this year we wanna just have
a little bit more diversity
on the team.
- You can't be serious.
The team couldn't
be more diverse.
- Okay, that is true.
But I'm talking about
intellectual diversity.
I just don't think events
like these should be reserved
just wealthy
and smart families.
- So you want dumb kids
on the spelling bee team?
- No, not like, super dumb.
Just, like, you know,
average dumb.
Like a little sprinkle
of dumbness on a regular kid.
Like Tom dumb.
- "Tom dumb"?
Oh no, leave me out of this.
- Tom, Tom, the path
to all Ivy Leagues schools
starts here.
- I can't imagine
I'm gonna go to college.
- Your school needs you.
They're chanting your name.
- Are they?
No one's chanting at all.
- We want Tom.
- Oh, don't chant, come on.
- We want Tom, we want Tom.
both: We want Tom.
We want Tom.
- Yay!
- Literally the worst chant
I've ever heard.
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanation ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
[polite applause]
- Welcome to the New Jersey
State Regional Spelling Bee.
- Spelling bee
time to spell.
There's a time to spell
and there's a time
to--to get up there
and spell things.
- Tom.
- Hey, hey, Dakota.
- We got you a gift.
- A gift?
- It's from the whole team.
- That's incredible.
What is it, a weird little pin?
- It's got the image of a lion
ripping the heart
out of a griffin.
And it says
"Death before Dishonor:
I will die for
my team" in Latin.
- That's a little intense, no?
- Relax, man, don't take
it too literally.
- You want me to relax?
- Yeah, we won't punch you
straight in the mouth
if you spell
a word wrong or anything.
- Punch me in the mouth?
Why are you even talking
about stuff like that?
- No, if we lose
because of you,
we're not gonna
murder you.
- Why'd you say it like that?
- [laughs]
Of course, we're not gonna
take Tom out back
and beat him with a rusty hoe.
[laughs]
Where would we get a hoe?
- I mean who does that?
Murder somebody
because
they misspelled a word.
[starting bells ringing]
- And they're off.
- Lou, look at you!
You are looking
good today.
- Not as good
as your mom
with her mouth
wrapped around my hey.
- I told you last time I'm not
crazy about those jokes,
but I'm doing good.
Listen.
Give me $100 on
the Knicks taking points.
And give me $250 on the Yanks
just straight up.
- You got it.
- Hey, I have
Okay, is it between me and you?
- You want to join in with me
and your mom?
- [laughs]
All right, do you guys
do, like, grade school
spelling bee bets
and shit like that?
- Of course I do spelling bees.
I mean, those parents
are maniacs.
We get tons of action
on that stuff.
- Oh, I love it!
Give me ten grand
on Shady Oaks
Elementary to lose.
- Ten grand to lose?
That's your school.
- I'm not proud of it,
but there's a ton of duds
this year.
Just big duds.
- Yeah, that's
what your mom said--ooh!
- Does anyone love
when you do that?
What's the best way
I should react to that?
- All right!
Who's ready to see some
little kids spell some shit?
Let's see some I before
E except after C, that shit.
Let's go!
- All right, Tom,
don't get nervous.
Don't urinate in your pants.
- Tom.
- What's that?
Whose hand is that?
- Look straight ahead.
Don't make eye contact.
Don't turn around.
- Mr. B?
- I'm gonna discreetly stuff
an envelope in your pocket.
I'm not saying
it contains the answers,
but I'm not saying it doesn't.
- What's happening?
I don't wanna cheat, Mr. B.
- Tom, you have
a moral obligation to cheat.
These other kids have worked
hard all year for this.
Rahul's family flew in
from Chennai for this-
- Just for this?
Are they doing
other things while they're here
or is that the whole trip?
- I don't know, Tom,
I didn't ask.
- It's just a long flight.
- For God's sake, son!
This is the regionals.
Nothing is more important.
These kids study
until they vomit.
Now, get out there
and make me proud.
- Do you think it's possible
you take this
a little too seriously?
- Your first word
isaardvark.
- Aardvark.
Easy.
A to the A to the R to the D
to the V to the A
to the R to the K.
Aardvark, bitches.
- Okay, that whole thing
was very inappropriate.
- I agree, that was too much.
What was that voice I did?
- Okay, our next
competitor is Tom.
- All right, thanks for
having me, everyone.
I'm ready to spell it up.
Throw one at me.
- Tom, your first word
isarmoire.
- Armoire?
- Oh, come on,
not all kids have "armoires."
- Excuse me.
- We have closets
like normal people.
- Ma'am.
- Tom, just spell closet.
- That is not the word.
- Mom, I've got this.
- Yes,
Tom is
one of our best spellers.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, sorry.
- Is your eye okay?
- I was winking.
I'm not a great winker.
- I think it is time for you
to spell the word.
- Oh, God.
- [groans]
- A-R-M-O-I-R-E.
Armoire.
- That is correct!
- Wait, how did he
- As much as it pains me,
Shady Oaks will
advance to the finals.
- All right, Tom!
- Yes! That was fantastic!
- That's my baby son who knows
how to spell armoire!
- There's my principal.
I did it, what a victory.
What a
- Tom, get in here.
Close the door, please.
And shove a towel
under the bottom--
really shove it in there good.
And cover your mouth--
- It's not exactly a high-five-
- Cover your mouth
when you talk, please.
- What's going on.
Are you okay?
- Tom, I know you cheated.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, I just didn't want
to let everyone down.
But hey, we won, right?
- No, Tom, that's the problem.
I gamble on these games.
- Wait, you gamble, what?
- Yes.
And I gambled that we'd lose.
That's why
I placed you on the team.
- I'm not following.
Why?
- Our school budget,
it's a mess.
- Okay.
- So I figured out
I'd add a deadbeat kid
like you
to the team
- Deadbeat?
- And then I'd bet against us,
and then I would win--
- Okay.
- Listen, up.
Then I would take the money
and funnel the winnings
back into the budget.
- Is this the kind of stuff
you do in here all day?
- Tom, I need you to throw
the next match.
- Nah, I think, you know,
that's where I draw the line.
That feels kind of sleazy.
- Tom, you're already cheating!
All I'm asking you to do
is not cheat!
- Well, if you look at it
that way, yeah.
- Yes, that's the way
I want you to look at it.
- So it's either a scheme
or a hoax, is the basic choice.
- Oh, my God,
you could twist and turn
and make anything look wrong.
- This is exhausting.
Talking to you,
it's always exhausting.
- I know,
I'm literally exhausted.
I'm in a bad mood now.
[grill sizzling]
- Oh, this is nice.
Wow, you didn't have to
throw me a barbecue, Mom.
- I did have to throw you
a barbecue,
because I'm so proud
of you, Tom.
My boy is going to
the state spelling bee.
- Glad you're proud, Ma,
glad you're proud.
- What theUncle Bill!
- [laughs]
- I cannot believe
you drove down from Boston!
- I wouldn't miss this
for the world, 'ey?
Yeah!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy.
- Oh, okay.
- Come here, hug your uncle,
you goofy, ugly sonofabitch.
Come here!
Come here!
- That's a bit much.
it's a bit much.
- Why are you fighting?
- That's a bit--it's a bit mu--
- Listen, hey.
Do me a favor, Tommy.
- All right.
- Spell hot dog.
- Uh-oh, tests!
Okay, okay, let's get into it.
- H-O-T-D-O-G.
- Kid's a friggin' genius.
- There it is.
- Look at you with
the big head, with the words.
All right, now spell bun.
- B-U-N-N.
- Great, right.
- Yes.
- Now spell eat, eat.
- E-A-T.
These are pretty easy words,
Uncle Bill.
- Listen, I gotta ask you--
what's the bathroom
situation here?
I mean, do I go to
the bathroom indoors
or is it anything goes?
- No, no, Uncle Bill, it is not
an anything goes thing.
So we're gonna want you
to go indoors.
- All right, you might
wanna check your driveway.
Tommy, I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
- As the two biggest duds
in this family,
we gotta stick together.
You know what I'm saying?
- Well, I don't know if people
lump us together like that.
- Oh, they do, no, they do.
- Yeah, well.
- Listen--
[gulping]
if you ever need help,
I'm here for you, okay?
- I've actually got a pretty
big dilemma on my hands.
Can I share it with you?
- I don't know
what dilemma means.
- I just got a problem.
This whole spelling thing
is a lie.
My coach is making me cheat,
but my principal
wants me to not cheat
and throw the match.
- I'm not known
for my advice
- Okay.
- But here it goes:
play by the rules.
If you're honest, you can hold
your head up high
whether you win or you lose.
- That's great advice,
but I'm not a good speller.
I'm going to lose.
- I-I'll--I'll help, okay?
We'll study all weekend.
I'm here, we'll study.
We'll do flashcards,
we'll do spelling books
- Really?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
We'll learn Latin.
- Learn Latin?
That's great!
We should probably start,
like, right away, right?
- Well, let's dive in tomorrow.
Right now
I'm going to butt chug a beer.
- The word is psittaceous--
of or relating to parrots.
- Hey, judge, are you ready
for Rahul to rock your world?
- I don't have any other choice
but to say yes.
Please spell the word.
- Then peep game.
P-S-I-T-T-A-C-E-O-U-S.
Psittaceous.
S-U-C-K-I-T.
- Excuse me?
- J-U-D-G-E.
Suck it, judge.
[mic thuds]
I am so sorry.
I just get worked up.
I get worked up.
- P-H-A-L-A-E-A-E-N-O-S-I-
- Tom, you're almost up.
Have you reviewed
your secret envelope?
- I don't need
to cheat anymore.
I can win this fair and square.
- No, Tom, you can't.
- I can.
- Your brain is like a small
squirrel's or a ferret's.
- Listen, I've been practicing.
I learned Latin.
- Tom--with whom?
- Just Uncle Bill.
That's all you need to know.
- And what are
your uncle's qualifications?
- I'm not saying
he's an intelligent man, but--
- And what has Uncle Bill
taught you, Tom?
- Listen, Mr. B, I'm sorry;
you steered me wrong.
I'm gonna do this
the honest way.
- Tom!
Oh, my God.
- And when I get
to the Ivy Leagues,
I'm gonna give you a call
from my dorm room
at H-A-V-E-R-D.
- Would that be the university
known as Harvard?
- Different one, diff--I was
talking about a different one.
I spelled it right, trust me.
- Okay, next up,
representing
Shady Oaks Elementary, is Tom.
[polite applause]
- Tommy! Show 'em
what you learned, baby!
- Come on, Tom!
You can do it, baby, come on!
- Yeah, bend this judge over
and show him who's boss!
I agree, that was too much.
There's a line
and I crossed it.
- Welcome, Tom.
I just want to say,
we took your mother's words
to heart last time,
so we're now including simpler
words that all kids would know,
regardless of income
or social status.
So in the spirit of inclusion,
let's begin.
Your word is Tom.
- Tom?
That's a crazy coincidence.
That's almost too easy, no?
Tom like me?
- Tom as in
"the male of a species,
colloquially used to describe
turkeys or domestic cats."
- Wow, I think I've got it.
T-O-
- Tom, shut up!
- What--what's happening?
- It's a trick question, Tommy.
- Trick? What?
- Reach down inside you
and pull out your Latin.
- My Latin?
My Latin
- The derivative suffixes
Carpe diemPro bonoIn
absentiaSpell bibliophile!
- Bibliophile,
B-L-I-B-L-I-P-I-H-I-L.
- Spell heliotrope!
- Heliotrope, H-E-L-I-O-P-R-N-.
- And Latin!
- Latin, L-A-T-I-N.
- Again!
- Again, A-G-A-I-N.
- You did it! You did it!
That's great!
- I think I know how to spell!
What's happening here?
The correct spelling
of the turkey version of Tom
isT
O
H-M.
[buzzer blares]
- We were looking for T-O-M.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, my God.
- Is someone challenging
the spelling?
T-O-H-M.
Latin base, Latin roots.
- Tom, your team is eliminated,
and you owe us $300
for the microphone.
Thank you, everyone, goodnight.
- Well, that was embarrassing.
- That was bad.
- I'm so sorry, Priya Auntie.
- I can't believe
we flew 20 hours for this.
- Hey, everybody, guess what?
I bought pizzas and enough for
everybody to have their own.
- We lost, miserably.
Why are we here?
- We got annihilated.
Look how disappointed
my family is.
- Look, life's not always
about winning.
And I know that sounds crazy,
but sometimes losing,
it literally builds
more character.
And I just,
I want to thank you, Tom.
Thank you for showing these
kids what it's like to lose,
and also what it's like
to just be a loser.
- Okay.
- To hold your head up high,
even though you know
people call you
a loser behind your back.
Even the adults.
- I don't know if they do that.
- It's commendable.
You push forward with
the stench of failure upon you,
and I just respect it.
- All right, you know what,
let's wrap this up.
- Everybody, here's to Tom.
all: To Tom!
- And here's to losing.
- Let's just do--just "to Tom."
all: To losing!
- Being a loser.
- Hey, what's the bathroom
situation here?
- You're not literally peeing
right now, are you?
- I thought it was okay.
[car door closes]
- Hey Tom.
We all miss you in band.
- You miss me?
- Yeah.
- That's literally the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
- That's the nicest?
- It's top three.
- That's so sad--you know what?
- Well
- You should come to
my birthday party this weekend.
- Great, yeah, count me in.
Thank you for the invite.
- Technically, I'm not allowed
to invite you,
but you should come.
- What does that mean?
- 'Cause, you know,
you're more of a secret friend.
- Whoa, that's confusing.
- Secret friend? Why secret?
- My mom said I'm not allowed
to interact with "your kind."
It's not a big deal.
- Sounds like a big deal.
- Here's my solution.
Tell my mom that
you're the caterer's son.
- Caterer's son?
- Yeah.
- I'm confused.
I am invited, or I'm not?
- No, you're definitely not
invited, but I want you there.
- What's the dress code?
Just casual?
- I'd say whatever you think
a caterer's son would wear.
- All right, here goes nothing.
Whoa, nice party.
- Wait, wait.
- Woah, what's happening?
- Tom? Did we invite you?
- Oh, no, I'm not part
of the party.
My dad is the caterer.
- Kevork is your father?
- Kevork is my primary father.
- I thought I heard a rumor
that your dad
was in Myrtle Beach.
- He was.
He's back.
And he started
a Lebanese catering company.
- Are you all Lebanese?
- We're not.
He just thought it was
a fun theme, a fun motif.
Anyway, I'm gonna
let myself in.
All right.
Hey, what up, Dad?
- Oh, my God.
[kids cheering]
- Wow.
I had no idea that
this guy was so much fun!
- Yeah, his name's Tom.
We're in band together.
We were, I mean.
- Hey, you guys wanna
see a backflip?
- Yeah, Tom!
Do it!
- You wanna see a backflip,
Dakota?
- I mean, not as much
as she does.
- Do it, do it right now.
Do it.
- Do it, Tom!
Show us a backflip!
- All right, here--
- Oh, my God.
- [groaning]
What's happening?
- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
- Who is this guy?
- What's up?
- We have a problem, Tom.
- Problem?
- Some jewelry
has gone missing,
and your father
is the one who took it.
- My father? Kevork?
- He stole.
And now we'd like you
to confront him.
So we don't have
to make a scene here.
- Oh, no, he doesn't like
to be bothered in the kitchen.
- Thomas, when adults
talk to you,
you need to be respectful.
- Bradley, shut up.
We're gonna listen
from the hall,
and if he gets defensive,
we'll come in.
- Oh, no.
- The safe word
is bouillabaisse.
- Bouillabaisse?
How about something easier
like cookie or ham?
- No, we spent a lot on
this party, for Christ's sake.
I wanna have
a very classy safe word.
Now, don't screw it up.
- Oh.
- [muttering]
- Okay, Pops, we need to talk.
- Who are you, and why
are you calling me Pops?
- I'm the son.
- Whose son?
- It's your son, Tom.
- No, no, no, no.
I don't have Tom.
- That's no way to talk
to your main boy.
- Main boy?
I don't even know you.
- He won't even acknowledge him
as his own son.
- It is not right.
- That's what I just said
if you had been listening.
- Listen, if you stole
something, just put it back.
- Wait, wait.
You accusing me of stealing?
- Listen, as a family member,
I'm trying to help.
- You know how you can help?
You can go over there
to that corner over there
and pull your little pants down
and smack your little tush
with a spatula.
- [yelping]
Bouillabaisse!
Ham!
Bouillabaisse, ham!
- This job is beneath me!
You kids are obnoxious.
You know, why don't you
cook your own food, all right?
Your BLT or whatever
you Americans do, your--
- Pops
- Organic soybeans
and oat milk.
- Dad, so you're not
returning the watch?
- I have not taken a watch!
- Wow.
This is not good at all.
- Thanks for nothing, folks.
Keep your filthy money.
- Tom, aren't you leaving
with your father?
- Oh that's right.
Oh, wait, wait up, Pops!
- Suck a donkey's
ding dong, kid.
- Donkey's ding dong what?
- What a monster!
- All right,
I'll see you at home.
- Did your father just leave
without you?
- I think he did.
That's upsetting.
- Tom, come here.
I just feel terrible
for misjudging you
all of these years.
- Thank you.
- I thought you were
a little strange,
but it's not your fault at all.
Because you know what?
You have an abusive situation
at your home.
- It explains a lot.
- You just need a male
role model in your life
because you don't
really have one.
- No one supports me.
I'm a good guy.
- Oh! Tom should go
on Dad's fishing trip with him!
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, my God,
that's a great idea, Brad.
- No, it's a terrible idea.
- It's a great idea.
- He wouldn't even like that.
What kids like fishing?
- Honestly, it sounds
like the trip of a lifetime.
- You need to bring him along.
- If he gets hurt,
then we're liable.
If--if he kills someone,
we're liable--
- Great, it's decided.
I'm gonna clear it
with Tom's mom.
Plus, Brad, your friends
all teach at his school.
- Can I just say one thing?
- No.
- One thing, I just want to--
- Brad,
I don't wanna hear it.
- [grumbles]
- Hey, Tom.
Tom's mom.
- Hi, Dakota's dad.
Thanks so much
for including Tom!
He's excited.
- It was my wife's idea.
You know,
he doesn't have to go even.
- Oh no, I'm looking
forward to it.
Can't wait.
- Do you have
any questions or concerns?
I mean, there's gonna be
a lot of drinking--
hard alcohol and whatnot.
- No.
- He'll be exposed to
rough language
and open sewage and
- Zero--is there a number
I can reach you at?
- Ooh, unfortunately, there's
no cell service up there.
We'll be completely
off the grid.
- Mm, well
sometimes you gotta
let your kid
off the grid, right, Tom?
- What?
- I don't get the house
to myself a ton,
so I'm excited.
- All right,
it's your child's funeral.
Tom, just get in the car, then,
if you're so hellbent on going.
We're running late, so
- Give yourself
another chance, my darling ♪
Don't be satisfied
with second best ♪
- Tom's in the house.
- Ah, what the shit.
- Sorry, guys, Tom's
joining us this year.
- Doesn't this ruin
the whole trip?
- Not the warmest welcome.
- It sucks.
I tried to stop it.
- Anyway,
let's get started here.
I need to just borrow
some fishing equipment,
and boots,
and a hat, and a pole.
- Tom, no one's
doing any fishing.
I mean, this is mostly
about booze and grab-ass.
- Brad, please!
- Your wife didn't mention
any of that.
- Yeah, well, she's on
a need-to-know basis.
And Tom, on this trip
you can call me "Double D."
- Oh, for "Dakota's Dad"?
- Sure.
It's not because
I like big boobs.
- Big boobs, what does that
have to do with Double D?
- Tom, what you are about
to witness this weekend
stays in the group,
never to be discussed
outside of this inner sanctum
of masculinity.
- I feel like the trip's
taking a weird turn.
- It's called Bro Code,
because guys don't rat on guys.
Now let's make a pact
by urinating in a circle.
- What?
- Oh, no.
- Come on, man.
- No.
- Whip 'em out, guys.
Who's in the mood
for some tunes?
- Yeah, I guess.
- I guess so.
- This is a little song I wrote
called "My Wife
Just Doesn't Get It."
- Here we go.
- My wife ♪
Just doesn't get it ♪
A pain inside my butt, yeah ♪
Her mouth will never shut,
no, no ♪
- Weird subject matter, but--
- He's got nine other songs
about his wife; it's crazy.
- Hey, Tom, I don't want you
to let how you see me here
affect the way you view me
as a principal.
- Oh, no, it's Bro Code.
This all stays here.
- And, look, he's the one
doing all the nasty stuff.
We just come here to relax
and have a few beers.
- Yeah, he seems like he's
working through some issues.
- Come on, T, sing along!
- All right, Brad, please stop.
You're giving me
a headache.
- Oh, whatever.
Eff this thing.
No one appreciates
my music anyway.
[grunts]
- Wow.
- All right, come on,
calm down, it's not the--
- We need to take this party
up a notch, huh?
I refuse to let a certain
someone ruin my big weekend.
- He's talking about me
or his wife?
- Tom, do me a favor, bro.
I need your little feet
to run up there.
Grab me some booze,
Cool Ranch Doritos,
and a couple rubbers.
- Brad, come on.
- He's a big kid.
He knows what's what,
right, T?-
- What are they?
What am I looking for?
- They're like, um, they're
like sweaters for your penis.
It does--it really does
get chilly up here.
- All right,
let me go grab 'em.
- Hey, while we wait,
can one of you idiots
jump in the lake
and get my guitar?
I need to go drop a deuce.
- Why are we still friends
with him?
- I don't--you know what,
I think that all the time.
I don't know why.
- Booze, Doritos,
penis sweaters.
All right, good to go.
- Um, hello?
Am I in the right place?
I'm looking for DD.
- Oh!
Oh, Dakota's Dad.
He's down by the lake
singing a song about his wife.
- Ugh, figures.
- What are you doing?
Can you stand?
- You're adorable.
- I gotta get back
with the booze, but--oh, no--
Oh, no, don't lay down.
What are you doing?
- I'm just exhausted.
It's just a factory.
It's always, Rhonda, blow this,
Rhonda, yank that.
- Okay, off the couch.
I have to go; I'm busy.
- Twelve dongs a day,
that's too many dongs!
- It sounds
like a very rough job,
but I don't have time to chat.
- Should be three dongs a day.
- Please stop saying dong.
This trip is much filthier
than I was expecting.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
look at me.
- Yeah?
- Let's do something wholesome.
- Sounds weird, but what
do you want to do?
- Let's make s'mores.
- That's the first good idea
I've heard.
That sounds great.
- I know!
Let's divvy up the work.
You make the s'mores
and get the fire going.
I'm just gonna crash
on the couch.
- That's divvying up,
or that's me doing it all?
- [snoring]
- This one is called
"Why Does My Wife Insist on
Belittling Me in Public?"
- You need to work on a couple
of these song titles.
- Why ♪
Does my wife ♪
Insist on belittling me ♪
In front of our friends ♪
- How many times are you
gonna say "wife" in a song?
- She's not singing songs
about him, I guarantee it.
- In a public place,
I'm a big disgrace ♪
[indistinct chatter
on television]
- Rhonda, the fire's
not starting.
Rhonda, can you wake up?
The lighter fluid says
keep away from children.
Can you just give it
a quick squirt?
- [snoring]
- I have to do everything
on this trip.
Oh, no!
Oh, no.
Rhonda, please.
Flames.
Come on, for God's sake.
How tired can you possibly be?
Don't panic, Tom.
How do you work this thing?
[line trilling]
- Brad?
- Oh, 911?
- I thought cell phones
didn't work up there.
- Dakota's mom?
- Tom?
- The cabin's kind of on fire.
- Thomas, what are
you talking about?
- The lady friend's purse
is on fire.
- Oh, my God, Thomas,
slow down.
Where are you?
- I can't tell you where I am.
- Where's my husband?
- Unfortunately,
I can't divulge that.
- What does that even mean?
- It's a code.
We pissed in a circle.
- What?
- Oh, my God,
we're going to burn down.
I've already said too much.
- I'm getting in the car.
I'll be there in 40 minutes.
- Don't come.
- Oh, my God,
I can't find my car keys.
- Goodbye.
Rhonda, no job
is that exhausting.
[siren whoops]
- Okay, folks, fire's out.
Looks like it started
in the fireplace,
then some pervert for
some reason had a shitload
of rubbers in the pantry.
Those lit up like tinder.
You know, those are good
for fucking, bad for fires.
Just a little fire tip
there for you.
Okay, you folks be safe now.
- All right, I want the truth.
What exactly happened here?
- You know, just hanging out.
Fishing.
- Yeah, I caught a bass.
- Oh, my God,
you guys are useless.
Tom.
- Me?
- I need to know
what exactly happened.
- Uh, well, from what I know
the guys were fishing
and singing some fun songs.
- Yeah?
- And Rhonda took a nap--
- Who the hell is Rhonda?
- She's with my dad's
catering company.
- What's up?
- She's in charge of the meat.
Is that a job
at a catering company?
- You know what?
I'm tired of this.
Tom, you're back on my list.
- Back on the list?
No.
- And, Bradley,
you're driving yourself home.
[pop music on radio]
- Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom.
- Thank you, Double D.
- Being a man isn't
about fishing or camaraderie.
It's about lying.
And you seem like a natural.
- Thank you, Double D.
- When you're old enough,
you should join us on the trip.
- I think I got my fill.
- I'm with Tom.
I'll just go ahead
and pass too.
You can count me out.
- Yeah, we've been meaning
to say something for,
like, ten years now.
We--we really don't
like you, Brad.
- Wow.
That's a lot to take in.
Reminds me of a song
I've been working on actually.
- Oh, sh--
- [groans]
- My friends,
they all are pussies ♪
And they don't know
how to party ♪
Yeah, they don't know ♪
- This is the worst one yet.
I don't want to be
in one of his songs.
- At least his wife
ain't in it.
- My friends,
they all are pussies ♪
No, they can't keep up
with me ♪
No, they can't
keep up with me ♪
Such a damn tragedy ♪
- I should really go home
or check-in or something.
This is really pushing
the limits.
♪
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪