That Damn Michael Che (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
She was the jealous type and
I used to cheat on her.
A relationship feels like
two people
carrying a couch
up a flight of stairs,
and every year is another
flight of stairs.
And you're at the bottom
and sometimes you're like,
"I don't got it."
And she's like, "Push!"
and you're like
[chuckling]
"You need someone stronger."
[laid-back jazz music]
♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪
- Can I get you a water, buddy?
- Uh, yeah.
And, uh, put bourbon in it
and leave out the water.
Nothing? Yeah?
I thought it was funny.
- You all right?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
[dissonant tonal crescendo]
- Everything is not okay
with us.
- Everything is fine.
- I can't do this anymore,
Michael.
- What? Can't do what?
What are you talking about?
- This.
Whether this is, I'm done.
- You know, that's
forget it.
- Say it.
- No, forget it.
- This is what I'm talking
about, Michael.
You never tell me
how you actually feel.
- Because every time
I tell you,
you freak out
and start swinging, remember?
- Doesn't that tell you
something?
♪
- It's on me, brother.
- Thank you.
Brother.
[spacey guitar music building]
♪
[pensive bass line]
- No matter
how hard you try ♪
You can't stop me now ♪
[indistinct excited chatter]
- Okay. Hey, everybody.
Calm down.
Let's get in our seats.
All right, kids.
Today, we have a very special
guest joining us
to talk about the dangers
of addiction.
They're all yours.
- Thank you.
Hello, kids.
My name is Mr. Clarence,
And I grew up a regular kid
just like all of you.
Hanging with my friends,
going to parties,
getting into trouble.
But sometimes,
things that seem
like harmless fun
can lead
to a serious addiction.
That's what happened to me.
- Was you addicted to drugs?
- No.
I can quit drugs anytime.
Sometimes, I go two days
without getting high.
I got hooked on something much
more dangerous than drugs.
I became to addicted
to something called
Hoes.
[riotous laughter]
Shut up!
[silence]
This shit ain't funny.
- Hey, hey, everybody relax.
Everybody settle.
Hey, man, what the hell
are you doing?
- I'm sharing my story
of addiction,
but these children
started laughing at me.
- All good, man.
Just chill out.
We were just expecting you
to talk about
more traditional addictions
like drugs and alcohol.
- But that stuff is not
the real problem.
Research shows that hoes
are the number one cause
of all misery
and destructive behavior.
- What research?
- My research!
I been sitting at home for
months thinking about this shit
and I realized that
before hoes came into my life,
I was fine.
- I don't think you should be
here talking to children.
- So you gonna take her side?
- Whose side?
- You don't get it, man.
I lost everything.
My house, my money, my friends,
I lost my damn mind,
all 'cause of hoes!
- Hey.
You need to not call women
that.
- I'm not talking
about "women."
All rectangles are not squares.
- What?
- Let me explain.
According to the research
- Are you drunk right now?
- I had me a little taste
just to level me out before--
- No, no, you need to go.
- Don't you remember
what it was like?
- What what was like?
- Before hoes.
Come on, man.
You know what I mean.
[soft dramatic music]
Remember when it was just you
and your buddies
riding your bike,
playing in the dirt,
not a care in the world.
Remember how happy we were?
Don't you wish
you could go back?
That's why I'm here.
To warn these children
so they can grow up
to be better than us.
I look in they little faces
and I see myself.
Especially in that one.
Hey, kid.
What's your mama name?
- Denise Jones.
- And what's your daddy name?
- I don't know.
- Oh, no.
[dissonant tonal crescendo]
[school bell rings]
- A lot of stuff you learned
in school
you're not gonna use
in the real world.
Like pi equals 3.14.
Who the fuck tells you how big
a circle is with a number?
You just use your hands.
[crew laughs]
That's what a pi is.
It's about this big.
So you're seeing somebody else?
- [scoffs]
I'm not even gonna answer that.
- Because you're seeing
somebody else.
- Because what difference
does it make?
I don't wanna be with you.
- Wow.
- I'm not happy.
There's no passion anymore.
We don't even make love.
- I'm always tryna fuck
and you're always saying no.
- I just don't like having sex
at your place
surrounded
by all your sneakers.
- Well, I don't like having sex
at your place
surrounded
by all your candles.
I'm not a fuckin' vampire.
- Whatever.
I mean, you always just
fall asleep anyway.
- Because I jerk off before
I get there like a gentleman.
[quirky dramatic music]
- Oh, no!
- What happened?
- It happened again, huh?
You found the perfect video
to masturbate to,
but you already jerked off
for the night
to a much worse video.
So now you gotta wait till
tomorrow to jerk off again
or till after
the next time you pee,
whichever comes first.
There's got to be
a better way.
[bright upbeat music]
- Hi.
I'm Dr. Thurgood Carver.
And ever since I had my license
to practice medicine revoked,
I've had a lot of time
to think.
Mostly about
what if there was a pill
that would give you enough
energy to masturbate
even after
you just masturbated?
I call it
[chimes jingle]
The 2nd Chance Pill.
Oh, there it is.
[gasps softly]
Just that size,
costs $5, maybe $10?
Would you pay for that?
Shit, I'd pay for that.
[chuckles]
[chimes jingle]
[upbeat music]
- [sighs]
- You got any energy left
for me?
- No. I just whacked off.
I'm pretty tired.
- Oh.
Well, what about
the 2nd Chance Pill?
- I already took it.
Jacked off twice.
- Okay, well, can you take
another one for me?
- I only have two left.
- Well, you can buy some more,
right?
- And are you gonna give me
the $10 for another pill?
- $10?
I thought it was $5.
- Sometimes they're $10.
- Fine, I will give you $10
but I wanna have sex right now.
It's been months.
- But I haven't peed yet
and it's gonna sting.
- What?
- Yeah
the 2nd Chance Pill
by Dr. Thurgood Carver.
[chuckles]
Yeah, works so well,
you'll be saying,
"Hell, maybe we was wrong about
that Dr. Thurgood Carver.
"Yeah, maybe we owe that guy
an apology.
"And his license
to practice medicine again.
And his office too."
[soft dramatic music]
But it'll too late.
Yeah.
See, 'cause I already got all
your names on my shit list.
[blows air]
I like the sound of that.
Yeah, I'm gonna land
on my feet.
And you'll all be sorry.
You'll see.
You'll all see.
♪
With my 2nd Chance Pill.
- It's not just about the sex.
When was the last time we even
went somewhere nice?
- We're somewhere nice now.
Look, this is nice.
- This does not count.
Your apartment
is right upstairs.
I could call your Alexa
from here.
- So what? You wanna be like
all your friends on Instagram
posting pictures of fancy
restaurants and vacations
pretending to be
in a perfect relationship?
- Yes!
Of course!
What's so bad about that?
- It's not real.
All of that's fake.
- At least they're being fake
on a beach in Tulum
and not arguing at a bar
in their lobby.
- Fine. If you wanna be
a Instagram thot,
I can't stop you.
- God, you are so annoying.
- If you wanna be like
all your friends,
go get yourself
a fake butt and a OnlyFans
and spread your cheeks
for Bitcoins and likes.
I don't care.
Oh, I don't--
I don't do social media.
Well, first of all,
nothing's real there.
It's like one of them
fast food commercials.
You know, you see, like,
a Arby's commercial,
and they're like,
"Arby's has filet mignon!"
and you're like,
"How's that fuckin' possible?"
And you see the picture
of the filet mignon
and it looks amazing.
You're like, "What the fuck?
"How does Arby's have
filet mignon?
This is impossible.
For $2?"
And then you go
to fuckin' Arby's
and you see the filet mignon
and it looks like shit
in person.
You're like, "Oh, yeah,
that's right, this is Arby's.
Why did I believe that this
would be anything different?"
That's exactly what it's like
meeting somebody
from Instagram.
- I think that's the only
healthy way to deal with it.
Now, if you're looking
for a McChicken,
then go get a McChicken.
- Why you always gotta come
for my friends?
I don't talk about them trash
niggas you hanging out with.
- Because my trash niggas
ain't tryna break us up.
They like you.
- How did you expect this
to end?
- I don't know. I thought
you wanted to get married.
- To you?
[laughs]
- Yeah.
Why you say it like that?
- Che, there are
a million reasons
why we cannot get married.
[excited applause]
[drum roll]
[upbeat music]
- Welcome back
to "Couples Feud:
Wedding Edition."
Before the break
- We got Grace's
Insta Hoe Friends.
- And we got Michael
and his Trash Niggas.
Michael & friends: Yeah!
Grace & friends: Boo!
- Name one reason why these two
shouldn't be together.
- She could be with somebody
way cuter.
[audience exclaiming]
- Don't listen to her, yo.
You're cute, yo.
Your whole body cute.
- Thank you!
- He always got on a hoodie
and some sneakers everywhere.
He's just a asshole, Steve.
- Show me
the boy's an asshole.
[buzzer blares]
guys: [imitating buzzer]
- All right, mama.
We comin' to you.
- Uh, maybe he just drinks
too much?
- That's a good point,
she got me.
- Let me see your boy's
a fall-down drunk.
[buzzer blares]
- What?
[jeers and applause]
- All right, Grace.
We got one answer left
on the board.
Now if you get it right,
you win the argument.
You don't get it right,
the Trash Niggas could steal.
- You know what I'm sayin'?
- I'm gonna repeat
the question.
Name one reason y'all two
shouldn't be together.
[dramatic suspenseful music]
- Okay.
I got it, Steve.
I'm gonna say
"He Doesn't Love Me."
[bell rings]
[cheers and applause]
- What?
Of course I love you.
- Then how come
you never say it?
- We say it to each other
all the time.
- Nigga, when?
I love you.
- All right, woman.
- I love you, babe.
- You're so gay.
I fuckin' love Stone Cold.
- I loveyou.
- What?
- Psh, forget it.
- What?
- [sighs] You're so stupid.
- What?
[chuckles]
Like Stone Cold does.
[bell rings]
I say "I love you"
all the time, just
not to anyone I'm dating.
When you say, "I love you"
to a girl, it's a--
you're signing a contract.
You have to live up
to that shit.
Like, I've never told
my mother, "I love you"
and she was like, "Prove it."
- So what are some ways
to identify hoes?
Just raise your hands
if you know the answer.
Don't be shy.
What about you?
What's your name?
- Michael.
- Can you guess something
that a hoe might do?
- Um, sleep around?
- Yes, that's a good answer.
Let's put that on the board
as number one.
"Sleep around."
Anybody else?
- They lie.
- That is a great answer.
I know a bunch
of lyin'-ass hoes.
Let's make that number one
instead.
And let's also put
"call me crazy
"'cause I bought her a pager
"just to know
where she is all the time."
[quirky dramatic music]
- A lot of girls
are going missing lately.
- That's right.
[toilet flushes]
- Cha, cha, wow, watch me! ♪
[singing to self]
Hey, man, what's your problem?
- What?
- We do this every time.
I try to turn the water on
for you
and you turn it on instead.
I try to dry you off
and you use the damn machine.
Look, I'm trying to work here.
Did I do something to you?
- No, man.
I just don't need this.
- Well, I do!
- Look, you right.
I'm just--
I'm just going through
something right now, man.
- Look
I can't help you
if you don't let me in.
- [sighs]
It's just
everything's falling apart.
- You want some cologne?
- And I know it's my fault,
but I--
- You want a condom?
- How did I get here?
- Most likely, you had a shit.
You was drinking
straight bourbon all night
and that stuff will
tear up your insides.
- It wasn't always like this.
[peaceful music]
- [laughing]
- I know, right?
[indistinct chatter]
- Can I start you off
with some water?
- Uh, yeah, actually.
But with bourbon and no water.
- [laughs]
You so silly.
So how do you know this place?
- I actually live
right upstairs.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
- You bring your dates here
all the time, huh?
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
That--
come on, that'd be gross.
- Mm-hmm?
- Let me get myself out
of this, uh
what kind of guys do you date?
Do you date, like,
rappers and ball players?
- Nah.
Why would you think that?
- I don't know.
I just see you as somebody
that's mad successful.
- I've gone on one date
with a rich guy.
It wasinteresting.
[laughter]
And so I had to walk home
soaked in fruit pulp
- [laughing]
Oh, no.
- And it wasn't even
the actual Gallagher.
- [laughing]
That is so funny.
- [chuckles]
- I like you.
- Oh, good.
- Pardon me
for being so forward,
but I'd like to go home
with you.
- [chuckles] Whoa.
Slow down, man.
We just got here.
- I want you badly.
Look, I know what
you're thinking,
but I actually pride myself
in the fact
I can make a woman climax
with cunnilingus.
- What now?
- Cunnilingus?
The art of performing oral sex?
- No, I got it.
Where is this coming from?
- I know what you're thinking,
but I love everything about it.
- Uh-uh.
- The taste, the aroma,
the conquer.
I would devour you.
- The conquer?
- I know what you're thinking,
but I never get tired
down there.
I can do it all night long.
- Stop saying you know
what I'm thinking.
- I'd like to enjoy your vagina
like I enjoy my cigarettes.
Right down to the butt.
- What the fuck is wrong
with you?
- Sorry, I didn't mean
to offend you.
- Well, you did,
you fuckin' creep.
- I apologize.
I don't go on a lot
of first dates.
I know what you're thinking,
but
pretty girls like you
don't go out with guys like me.
I'm sorry.
I should leave.
- Hey, wait.
- Change your mind?
- So what about you?
What kind of girls do you date?
- I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, this guy probably dates
all the models
and actresses--"
- No, I don't see that.
- Well, I mean, I have dated
models before, but I--
- I see you with somebody,
like, nerdy.
- Oh.
- You know, somebody that,
like, gets your jokes.
- Oh. [chuckles] Oh, okay.
- [laughs]
- I've never known a
relationship was over first.
There's been so many times
I've been in a argument
with a girl
where I thought
everything was fine
and she was like,
"This is fucking stagnant."
And then understand,
"Oh, yeah. Right.
This is done."
- All right, Trash Niggas.
It's your chance
to take the board.
Name one reason why these two
shouldn't be together.
- He probably ain't tappin' her
right, Steve.
- She belong to the streets,
Steve.
- Yo mama belong
to the streets.
- And she be slappin' the shit
out of him.
- Hey.
- That was one time.
- Wish somebody would hit
my ass.
- All right.
- All right, Mike.
It's all on you.
Name one reason why you two
shouldn't be together.
- Well, first of all, Steve,
we should be together.
[audience groans]
- Bitch-ass niggas.
- But I'ma go on my own
[dramatic music]
And say that she's being
too dramatic.
- Good answer!
[audience oohs and ahhs]
- Dramatic?
- What?
- As usual.
You know how she--
- You sure you wanna go
with that answer, son?
- [scoffs]
You think I'm being dramatic?
- Yes.
- After everything I just said,
after I pour my heart out
to you
and tell you that I'm unhappy,
you say I'm being dramatic?
- Okay, so now
you're gonna start crying,
you're gonna flip out,
hit me in my nose again,
make me out to be the bad guy,
right?
This is why I don't say shit.
[piano music playing]
Oh, what?
You're not gonna flip out?
- I can't put any more
into this.
- So you're done?
- We're done.
- I thought you loved me.
- Michael, you don't even know
how you wanna be loved.
♪
- I'll be right back.
[rhythmic clapping]
- Okay, son, it looks like
you fuckin' up real bad.
- Yeah, it does.
- Every time Grace tries
to make things right,
you seem to make it worse.
- Yeah, I get that, I get that.
- Get all these answers right,
maybe she'll see that you care
about this relationship
and that she didn't waste her
damn time with your dumb ass.
- Whoo!
Let's go.
- I asked you, "Name a city
where Grace has always wanted
you to take her."
You said
[electronic chime]
That shit in Mexicopass.
[audience exclaims softly]
- Yeah.
I don't remember specifically.
I messed that one up,
but I know it begins with a C.
I couldn't remember the exact--
- We were looking for a Tulum.
Tulum.
- Tulum, Tulum.
- Don't sound like a damn C
to me.
- By the sea.
- We asked you,
"Name Grace's favorite singer."
You said
that ugly dude
with the six pack
and light eyes. Fuck. Pass.
- I don't remember his name.
That's mostly right.
- I asked you,
"What is Grace's zodiac sign?"
- Oh, my God. He don't know.
- He don't know.
- [chuckling]
Your ass said spring.
- I blanked. That was
just, like, a brain fart.
- I asked you,
"Name her favorite movie."
But honestly,
it's not even on this card.
I just wanted you to get
something right.
You know what your ass said?
You said
"Naked and Afraid."
[audience exclaiming softly]
That's a goddamn TV show.
Just for fun,
do you like that show?
- No, Steve.
- What?
You always watch that show.
-You'realways watching it.
I just like to cuddle
next to you.
[audience exclaiming]
- Damn.
- So you see, kids,
hoes can be anybody.
You think you're meeting
someone nice,
but they're not nice.
They're hoes.
They act like they love you.
They don't love you.
They only love themselves.
- Alexa, play something sad.
- Playing something sad.
[R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts"]
- Everybody cries ♪
[moody acoustic guitar music]
- [sighs]
♪
Everybody hurts ♪
♪
- Sometimes ♪
- Sometimes ♪
Come on, you know the words.
♪
- And they will use you
and use you
till you don't have no more
to give.
And they on to the next.
- Sometimes ♪
- So don't fall
for any of they tricks.
Just say no to hoes.
So when you see a hoe,
what are you gonna do?
all: Run!
- That's right.
[children giggling]
As fast as you can.
- Hold on ♪
Ho-- ♪
[notification chimes]
- Hey, Che.
- Oh, hey.
- Sorry I'm late.
- No, it's fine, it's fine.
Sit down.
- I love this place.
- Yes.
- Good job.
- You guys wanna order
something?
- Um, I'll just take
a water right now.
- I'll do a water as well.
But with bourbon and no water.
- [laughs]
Funny.
- It is funny.
See? It was funny.
- Oh, he didn't feel it.
[funk music]
♪