That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Hello and welcome back to coverage of people buying a house and living in it.
Hello, Jeff, you want to buy a house.
- Here's a house, what do you think? - Yeah.
- Do you like the house? - It's fine.
Will he be able to buy the house of his dreams? - Yes.
It's in budget, is it? - Yeah.
That was not a close one.
We'll catch up with Jeff when he's bought his house now.
- Jeff, you're now living in your house.
- Yeah.
- What's that like? - All right.
Putting some shelves up.
- Nothing major.
- We'll catch up with Jeff's attempts to live his "having shelves" dream now.
- How are the shelves? - Useful.
Fascinating.
To sum up, Jeff, who you don't know, has bought a house, and is living in it, having put up shelves, and we can all agree that's a good thing.
Next week I'll be presenting coverage of people renting a flat and then going to the shop to buy some food to eat in it.
(SNIGGERS) (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) I'm afraid, sir, we still have a problem with Detective Harrison.
Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent for disrupting my arrangements.
Would you like me to have him - .
.
removed? - Yes, perhaps.
Perhaps it would be better if Mr Harrison were taken out of the picture.
- Sorry, guys, you're doing it again.
- What, Alan? "Have him removed", "take him out of the picture".
We agreed at the meeting that these terms are needlessly ambiguous.
- I suppose.
.
- We all agreed that from now on when we want someone murdered, i.
e.
deliberately killed to death, - then that's what we're gonna say.
- Look, everyone knows what we mean.
On this occasion, perhaps.
That was an order to murder Harrison, right? He has become a nuisance.
Right, but a nuisance we should murder.
Is that it? I mean, my nephew's a nuisance but Do you see what I mean? Yes, yeah, all right.
Well, can you say it then, please? OK.
Please deal with the Harrison situation.
- You see, that's no good.
- Oh, that was perfectly clear.
What are you talking about? This'll be "let's hope Professor Ritson meets with a little accident" all over again.
We spent nine months hoping Ritson would meet with an accident before Lesley told us it was an accident we had to make happen.
All right, you've made your point.
You two get on with your work now.
Our murdering.
Yes.
Oh, and Alan Perhaps I'll see you later for a little light refreshment.
Do you mean anal sex? Yes.
All right, then.
(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS) Welcome to "Numberwang", the maths quiz that's simply everyone.
Joining me are Julie from Northampton and Simon from Southampton.
- Julie, any funny stories to tell us? - Yes.
- Simon? - No.
Let's play Numberwang.
And it's Simon to go first.
Too slow.
Julie? - 38.
- That's Numberwang.
Let's move on to round two, imaginary numbers.
Simon? - Twentington.
- That's Numberwang.
- Filth hundred and neeb.
- That's Numberwang.
- Shinty-six.
- (WRONG-ANSWER BUZZER) Oh, bad luck, Simon.
I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number, as in the popular phrase "I only have shinty six days left to live.
" So, onto round three.
Julie, Simon, please take to the Number-lines.
And if I can have time on the clock, please, let's play Numberbounce.
- 8.
- Er, 93.
- 15.
- 70.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie? - 30.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon? - 3,249.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie? - Nought.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon? - 41/2.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- (HOOTER BLARES) I'm afraid we're out of time so you'll have to put those last numbers back.
Well, that's the end of Numberbounce.
Well done, everyone.
So, as we go into the final round it's neck and neck.
Julie is on 82 and Simon is also on 26.
It's time for Wangernumb.
Let's rotate the board.
Julie, Simon, welcome back.
Let's play Wangernumb.
- Julie, you go last.
Simon? - 44.
- Julie? - 404.
- Ooh.
- 4.
4.
- Ah.
- 444.
4.
- 44.
44.
- Eee.
- 40.
- Waaaaah.
- 4.
- That's Wangernumb! Julie, you've been Wangernumbed, but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.
More Numberwang tomorrow, but until then (ALL) Stay Numberwang! Oh, they were two of the greatest actors of their generation, there's no doubt about it, but with that goes a certain amount of ego, yes? So, the only way we could get them to do "Holmes and Watson" in the West End was if they alternated who played Holmes, night by night.
One night Alec would play Holmes So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
And the next night, it would be Michael's turn.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
And I suppose there was a certain amount of one-upmanship.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
(DICKIE) I-I think that really added something but I don't know how much the audience picked up.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
(GROANS) So when we came to make the film, we were faced once again with the problem of which of them would play Holmes, but I think everyone agrees we found a rather elegant solution.
Not like you to be superstitious, Holmes.
It's hardly superstition.
I was merely acknowledging the power of fear and what effect that fear .
.
can have on the minds of the ignorant or vulnerable.
Holmes, you're not seriously suggesting that the villagers believe .
.
the story of the phantom wolf? Of course they did.
Oblige me if you will, old fellow, by fetching Maddison's Witchcraft Almanac from the library.
I'll show you how powerful a grip some .
.
of these old myths can have on people.
Middle shelf, isn't it? Yes, just above the encyclopaedias.
Ah, yes, I've got it.
Shall I bring it through? No, stay where you are.
I'll join you.
And, of course, they both felt very strongly that it was important to to keep all of that wonderful energy that the stage production had had.
That's not the Witchcraft Almanac, Watson, you clot.
And, of course, as family men, the film gave them a great opportunity to get their kids into the business.
We can't think on empty stomachs, Watson.
Let's see what Mrs Hudson has laid out.
- What have you got for us, Mrs Hudson? - Crumpets! Ten minutes for lighting David? - Yeah - Is it poss? No.
- What? - No, it's all right.
- (MOBILE RINGS) - What's the question? There's just something in this, but you're just gonna be all horrible.
No, I'm not, what is it? It's just In here it looks like I meanbasically, can people levitate? - Canpeoplelevitate? - Oh, I knew I shouldnt have asked.
- Can people levitate? - Don't! Just I mean, it's no, isn't it? - Yes, it is no.
- Don't be like that.
What? I haven't said anything.
Don't have a go at me.
You're the moron who thinks people can levitate.
- He was very convincing.
- Can you levitate? I-I knew you'd be I'm trying to find out why you felt the need to ask such a humiliating question.
Because I have the intellectual confidence to appear stupid sometimes.
You're the thick one who pretends he knows everything.
I'm sufficiently insecure to have felt the need to establish to my own satisfaction before the age of 33 whether or not humans can fly.
If that makes me a chippy little autodidact in your eyes then so be it.
I'm just not gonna ask you anything ever again.
Lunch in ten minutes.
Er, twelve minutes, you twat.
Ten, twelve.
Don't know the difference between ten and twelve! Welcome to an edition of coverage of people who are ill in hospital.
- Dave you're ill.
- I've got gallstones.
They're being taken out? Are you nervous but everyone's wonderful? - No, a nurse fingered me.
- Gillian.
I'm here with Chris, who's got a broken arm.
- How did you break it? - It just broke.
- Interesting story.
They'll put it in plaster? - That is the plan, yeah.
We'll film that and put it on telly.
Soon I'll be talking to a doctor who's tired.
Edward.
Thanks, Gillian.
We've had a cock-up here and Dave is dead.
Here is Dave.
They'll cart him out on a trolley and we'll film that and put it on telly.
Meanwhile, here are some nurses and doctors walking about.
So, how's it going, Pete? Yeah, good.
I think you're gonna be pleased.
Paper came through from Singapore, Jono's been tinkering with the laser printer.
Colin, my top guy, he's looked after the water marks.
Yeah, I think it's looking pretty tasty.
Well, I'll be the judge of that, mate.
Come on, let's have a look.
Here you go.
Wha What's this? (CHUCKLES) It's the finished article.
It's a tenner but, of course, it's not, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Well, obviously not, it's all wrong.
That's not even the queen.
It's a queen.
Mate, the punters aren't gonna notice.
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, THE queen, it's details.
Don't get hung up on the details.
That is a tenner.
That's what the man on the streets'll see.
Ten pounds.
Punds, it says punds.
It's your mind.
It's playing tricks on you.
You're on a negative vibe.
- It's the wrong colour.
- Oh, right, compare it to another tenner.
Right, that's fair, I don't think.
Course it's gonna come off badly compared to a real tenner, but in the real world, who sits at home and goes, "Oh, I think I'll get out all of my ten pound notes "and compare their colour"? Doesn't happen.
We're fine, mate, we're cushty.
It's the wrong size.
Things look more real when they're bigger.
That's on purpose.
It's a trick of the trade.
It's shit, all right.
It's total shit.
Look, OK, quick.
Which is the real one? - That one.
- No, see, no, you're wrong.
That is the real one.
You had to think about it, didn't ya? - No.
- You had to look.
Admit it, I saw you.
Obviously I had to look.
Look, I'll see you later, all right? OK, look forget the notes, what about this? Look at me and tell me you didn't think that was Van Gogh's Sunflowers.
- I'm going.
- All right, all right.
You don't like the picture or the notes.
I understand that.
Who uses notes anymore? Plastic, that's what everyone uses these days, so what aboutthis.
Mmm, not bad, not at all bad.
Exactly.
It's floppy.
Yep, folds away like a dream.
It smells of cheese.
It tastes of cheese.
Course.
It's an improvement on the real one.
Real credit cards taste like shit.
They call it a ruddy food court, it just means you have to queue twice.
You've only missed the first three frames.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And a chance now for Chris Lester as he strides towards the table, one of the taller players, as tall as he is toned.
And I think it's all right to say that in this day and age.
I agree, Peter, I don't think there's anything wrong with mentioning in passing that Chris Lester is very easy on the eye.
It's good for the game for a gifted young player such as Chris A gifted, young, tall, blond player such as Chris.
He is all those things, and I don't think it's going too far in these days of PC for me to call another man sexy, and Chris Lester is that man.
He is a friend of mine, he is a sexy young friend of mine.
He is my sexy young friend.
Welcome to coverage of people running a safari park.
This is John who looks after the zebras which ran away from the camera.
- John, what are you doing? - I'm getting the zebras their food.
Do zebras find it colder in Wiltshire than Africa? They do because it is.
While we let John get on with the job he does every day, Gillian's been talking to the head tree-counter.
Fifteen thousand, fifteen thousand and We're getting coverage of you counting trees.
- Yeah.
Oh, I've lost count.
- Sorry.
One, two, three, four, five OK, thank you for calling.
Pass us a biscuit.
- Ah! - Forget you saw that, OK.
That didn't happen.
Look I have some telekinetic powers, OK, but it's really nothing.
Nothing (?!) You can move objects with your mind.
(WHISPERS) Ssh, no one can ever know.
Also, it's very limited.
I can really only do it with biscuits.
Even so, it's a gift.
You should share it with the world.
No, I vowed never to use my powers.
Why not? Because when I do, things happen.
Dark, terrible things.
At first I thought it was harmless.
I suppose I was so high on the thrill, I didn't realise that even then my powers were consuming me like I was the last segment of a high-quality shortbread fan.
Jane Jane is that you? Rod, what a surprise.
Why didn't you call me? - It was complicated.
- Your mother told me you'd died.
I didn't want to hurt you and you were so persistent.
Still, erwater under the bridge, eh? All my rage and fear welled up inside me and expressed itself in biscuit form.
Are you all right, mate? You may call it a gift, but it's a curse, my friend.
Tragedy has stalked me at every turn.
- That's why you can never tell.
- No, you were just a kid, then.
You're older now and wiser.
You're manager of this sub-team, for God's sake.
Think of the good you could do with one of these now.
Not with that one, actually.
That's a Jaffa cake, it's not a true biscuit.
Whatever, the point is you could do great works, become famous or at least get a better job.
- Something in hospitality, perhaps.
- No, it's too dangerous.
Damn it, I won't let you squander your gift.
I'm gonna call my friend.
He's a manager at McVities.
No, you don't know what you're doing.
Hi, Austin, it's Dan Crikey, it's been a while.
How are you? Yeah, great.
Noooooooo! Damn you! Noooooooo.
.
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And just look at the disappointment on Chris Lester's pretty little face, that is a shame.
He is devastated, and I can never make up my mind whether or not he looks more stunning in moments of adversity such as these, than he does in moments of elation and joy.
Ted, for the fullest answer to that question you'd have to ask his lovely girlfriend, Jackie, but I know what you mean.
There is a quality to his fragile isolation that puts you in mind of Winona Ryder in court.
Which is about as sexy as it gets.
But for my money it's when he walks into the Crucible bar after a big win or a few snatched moments with Jackie and the light from the fruit machine dances through his hair and he smiles and he turns that smile onto you.
It's like basking in the light of twin suns.
You're quite right, Peter.
It makes me thankful my op went OK.
# Sur la plage # Je collectionne les coquillages # Sur la plage Oh, no.
No, not again.
No way.
No, you're not gonna get me this time.
No siree.
Nope, sorry, mate.
# En forme de coeur You bloody bastard.
# En forme de coeur The thing about having kids is you get to watch all those cartoons you used to love again.
They're disappointing.
I watched "Postman Pat" with Jake - and couldn't believe how bad it was.
- The worst one is "Captain bloody Pugwash.
" Oh, no, not really.
No, it is.
It's dire.
When its mouth moves, it just goes "buh, buh, buh, buh".
That's a bit harsh.
It was good.
It's awful.
Don't tell me one of you worked on it.
Yes, actually, Damian Damian was in it.
- Hi.
- You guys are winding me up.
- No, they're not.
- Really? You didn't write for it did you? No, I was in it, actually.
I played Steven.
- Steven? - Steven Pugwash, the captain.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Stupid of me.
I didn't recognise you without your, erm I don't go round all day dressed as a pirate.
No, of course not.
What I said about your mouth Really, forget about it.
As it happens I actually have a condition which paralyses my upper lip.
That's why I wear this moustache, but you weren't to know.
And, ermwhat are you doing these days? This and that.
You might have seen me in the Kenco campaign.
- The one with the - Pirates, yes.
I do rather suffer from typecasting.
Thinking about it, there was a lot to like about "Captain Pugwash".
It had a real charm to it and the performances were great.
Well, thank you.
It was better than some of the rubbish that was on, "The Flumps", "Dogtanian", er"King Rollo".
I mean, what the hell was that? He was like some kind of psycho child.
I see.
My boyfriend played King Rollo.
(SQUEAKING) Come on Adrian, we're leaving.
I tell you what's caught my eye in the headlines.
- Oh, shut up, David.
- I was just going to say I don't want to hear your jokes about the news when I'm trying to have a nice rest.
- No, it's just that my eye was caught - Get on a panel show.
You've got a big boil of topical satire that needs lancing.
No, I'm just interested in world affairs and at the same time very, very witty.
I wasn't gonna do a joke, I was gonna say that my eye was caught by this whole scandal in America.
Ooh, the scandal in America.
Yeah, that is interesting.
That must be the biggest scandal since Watergate Gate.
Since what? The US government hasn't been this screwed since You have to go all the way back to Watergate Gate.
Watergate Gate? Isn't it just Watergate? No, that would mean it was just about water.
No, it was a scandal or gate, add the suffix gate, involving the Watergate Hotel, so it was called the Watergate scandal or Watergate Gate.
But doesn't the term "gate", meaning a scandal, come from Watergate? What, take the last four letters of a previous scandal or hotel and add it on to all future scandals? That can't be the system.
- I think it is.
- What if there's a scandal about water? What do you call that? Well, you'd call it Waterga Oh, I see what you mean, erm Aqua Gate? It's not great, is it? (WOMAN) Ohh, it's lovely, thank you.
Yes.
And this is from me and Ben.
Merry Christmas.
Ooh, is this what I think it is? Could be.
It is, it's some heroin.
Hooray.
- We know how much you like heroin, so - Too right.
'Cause we were saying, "Can we get him heroin? "We got him heroin last year", but then Susie said, "Sod it, let's just get him heroin.
" You can never have too much heroin, that's what I say.
Well, it's Christmas, isn't it? - This is from us.
- Ooh, wonder what this is.
Hope you like it.
We both know how much you like heroin so we thought Oh, it's a book of heroin anecdotes, great.
We thought a bit more interesting than just giving you heroin again.
Yeah, yeah.
But we got you some heroin to have while you're reading it.
Oh.
You silly sods! And this is from me.
Ooh, thank you, Grandma.
It's some cocaine.
Oh, yeah.
That is the one you wanted, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
The man said that would be the one you wanted.
I tried to describe it and I did the face that you do when you've had some, you know, "Urghhh.
" - And he said that would be the one.
- Right.
I'll take it back for you, love, and change it for some heroin.
Thanks, Mum.
Ooh, look, James.
"Kids rapids ride".
Hello, what's this, then? Er, put the kid in the ring, send him down the rapids.
Ah, sounds exciting You put him in the ring and just literally Yeah, we just literally give him a shove off that bridge there and he goes down the stream, very exciting.
Right, and it's all safe and everything? You've done it before? Yeah.
No, well, actually no, well no.
We tested it on a football.
Right.
- Not that one.
- You sure? Oh, yeah, 'cause the one we tested it on we never saw again.
You never got it back? Well, it's a football, isn't it? It's not a boomerang or a child.
- I mean, it can't say it's lost.
- Sorry, I mean, this is all fine, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's all fine.
It's all fine, course it is.
I won't stay in business very long if it isn't I wouldn't have stayed in business very long if it wasn't.
You've got a safety certificate? You can make so-called certificates prove whatever you want.
- Have you got one? - That's what I'm saying.
You can make certificates prove whatever you want, look.
"Royal Academy of Safe Rapid Rides certifies that Barry Crisp "definitely knows what he's doing.
" Yeah, well, that all seems in order.
Right, do you fancy a ride then, James? - Let's take that as a yes.
- OK, let's get that ring on.
OK.
That's a fiver and an extra two quid, hire of an oar.
Oh, really, will he need one? - Well, I'd have thought so.
- Right.
- I mean, I'd want one.
Wouldn't you? - OK.
- And, erthree quid deposit on the ring.
- Why? - In case I don't get the ring back.
- Is that likely? Yeah.
Come this way.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
Chris Lester approaches the table now.
His trademark headband, Ted, is that purely practical or is it also for the purposes of fashion? Well, he assures us, Peter, it's purely practical.
It's to keep his plentiful locks out of his forget-me-not blue eyes.
But it does look terrific.
Yes, well, we've all got them now.
And he's set something of a trend amongst the younger players, Ted, but, erneedless to say, none of them look anywhere near as good in theirs as Chris does in his.
Peter Ebdon in particular looks ridiculous, but I gather that Chris is quite attached to his hairband 'cause I was chatting to his lovely girlfriend Jackie the other night and, ershe was telling me that, erhe even wears it in bed.
Does he? Boy, oh boy.
What a sight that must be for Jackie or for his other girlfriend Amanda .
.
during their more intimate romantic moments.
Chris looming over them, his face flushed with concentration, just as he is as he gets down to this long red.
Ted, it's happened again.
Oh, Peter, you'll just have to sit in it till the mid-session interval.
OK, ready? Off you go.
(SPLASH) Ooh, I think the nerves got to him a bit there.
Hello, Jeff, you want to buy a house.
- Here's a house, what do you think? - Yeah.
- Do you like the house? - It's fine.
Will he be able to buy the house of his dreams? - Yes.
It's in budget, is it? - Yeah.
That was not a close one.
We'll catch up with Jeff when he's bought his house now.
- Jeff, you're now living in your house.
- Yeah.
- What's that like? - All right.
Putting some shelves up.
- Nothing major.
- We'll catch up with Jeff's attempts to live his "having shelves" dream now.
- How are the shelves? - Useful.
Fascinating.
To sum up, Jeff, who you don't know, has bought a house, and is living in it, having put up shelves, and we can all agree that's a good thing.
Next week I'll be presenting coverage of people renting a flat and then going to the shop to buy some food to eat in it.
(SNIGGERS) (UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) I'm afraid, sir, we still have a problem with Detective Harrison.
Yes, Mr Harrison has an irritating talent for disrupting my arrangements.
Would you like me to have him - .
.
removed? - Yes, perhaps.
Perhaps it would be better if Mr Harrison were taken out of the picture.
- Sorry, guys, you're doing it again.
- What, Alan? "Have him removed", "take him out of the picture".
We agreed at the meeting that these terms are needlessly ambiguous.
- I suppose.
.
- We all agreed that from now on when we want someone murdered, i.
e.
deliberately killed to death, - then that's what we're gonna say.
- Look, everyone knows what we mean.
On this occasion, perhaps.
That was an order to murder Harrison, right? He has become a nuisance.
Right, but a nuisance we should murder.
Is that it? I mean, my nephew's a nuisance but Do you see what I mean? Yes, yeah, all right.
Well, can you say it then, please? OK.
Please deal with the Harrison situation.
- You see, that's no good.
- Oh, that was perfectly clear.
What are you talking about? This'll be "let's hope Professor Ritson meets with a little accident" all over again.
We spent nine months hoping Ritson would meet with an accident before Lesley told us it was an accident we had to make happen.
All right, you've made your point.
You two get on with your work now.
Our murdering.
Yes.
Oh, and Alan Perhaps I'll see you later for a little light refreshment.
Do you mean anal sex? Yes.
All right, then.
(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS) Welcome to "Numberwang", the maths quiz that's simply everyone.
Joining me are Julie from Northampton and Simon from Southampton.
- Julie, any funny stories to tell us? - Yes.
- Simon? - No.
Let's play Numberwang.
And it's Simon to go first.
Too slow.
Julie? - 38.
- That's Numberwang.
Let's move on to round two, imaginary numbers.
Simon? - Twentington.
- That's Numberwang.
- Filth hundred and neeb.
- That's Numberwang.
- Shinty-six.
- (WRONG-ANSWER BUZZER) Oh, bad luck, Simon.
I'm afraid shinty-six is a real number, as in the popular phrase "I only have shinty six days left to live.
" So, onto round three.
Julie, Simon, please take to the Number-lines.
And if I can have time on the clock, please, let's play Numberbounce.
- 8.
- Er, 93.
- 15.
- 70.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie? - 30.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon? - 3,249.
That's Numberwang, take a number.
Julie? - Nought.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- Simon? - 41/2.
- That's Numberwang, take a number.
- (HOOTER BLARES) I'm afraid we're out of time so you'll have to put those last numbers back.
Well, that's the end of Numberbounce.
Well done, everyone.
So, as we go into the final round it's neck and neck.
Julie is on 82 and Simon is also on 26.
It's time for Wangernumb.
Let's rotate the board.
Julie, Simon, welcome back.
Let's play Wangernumb.
- Julie, you go last.
Simon? - 44.
- Julie? - 404.
- Ooh.
- 4.
4.
- Ah.
- 444.
4.
- 44.
44.
- Eee.
- 40.
- Waaaaah.
- 4.
- That's Wangernumb! Julie, you've been Wangernumbed, but, Simon, you are today's Numberwang.
More Numberwang tomorrow, but until then (ALL) Stay Numberwang! Oh, they were two of the greatest actors of their generation, there's no doubt about it, but with that goes a certain amount of ego, yes? So, the only way we could get them to do "Holmes and Watson" in the West End was if they alternated who played Holmes, night by night.
One night Alec would play Holmes So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
And the next night, it would be Michael's turn.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
And I suppose there was a certain amount of one-upmanship.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
(DICKIE) I-I think that really added something but I don't know how much the audience picked up.
So, you see, Watson, the advantage of my unique powers of observation.
(GROANS) So when we came to make the film, we were faced once again with the problem of which of them would play Holmes, but I think everyone agrees we found a rather elegant solution.
Not like you to be superstitious, Holmes.
It's hardly superstition.
I was merely acknowledging the power of fear and what effect that fear .
.
can have on the minds of the ignorant or vulnerable.
Holmes, you're not seriously suggesting that the villagers believe .
.
the story of the phantom wolf? Of course they did.
Oblige me if you will, old fellow, by fetching Maddison's Witchcraft Almanac from the library.
I'll show you how powerful a grip some .
.
of these old myths can have on people.
Middle shelf, isn't it? Yes, just above the encyclopaedias.
Ah, yes, I've got it.
Shall I bring it through? No, stay where you are.
I'll join you.
And, of course, they both felt very strongly that it was important to to keep all of that wonderful energy that the stage production had had.
That's not the Witchcraft Almanac, Watson, you clot.
And, of course, as family men, the film gave them a great opportunity to get their kids into the business.
We can't think on empty stomachs, Watson.
Let's see what Mrs Hudson has laid out.
- What have you got for us, Mrs Hudson? - Crumpets! Ten minutes for lighting David? - Yeah - Is it poss? No.
- What? - No, it's all right.
- (MOBILE RINGS) - What's the question? There's just something in this, but you're just gonna be all horrible.
No, I'm not, what is it? It's just In here it looks like I meanbasically, can people levitate? - Canpeoplelevitate? - Oh, I knew I shouldnt have asked.
- Can people levitate? - Don't! Just I mean, it's no, isn't it? - Yes, it is no.
- Don't be like that.
What? I haven't said anything.
Don't have a go at me.
You're the moron who thinks people can levitate.
- He was very convincing.
- Can you levitate? I-I knew you'd be I'm trying to find out why you felt the need to ask such a humiliating question.
Because I have the intellectual confidence to appear stupid sometimes.
You're the thick one who pretends he knows everything.
I'm sufficiently insecure to have felt the need to establish to my own satisfaction before the age of 33 whether or not humans can fly.
If that makes me a chippy little autodidact in your eyes then so be it.
I'm just not gonna ask you anything ever again.
Lunch in ten minutes.
Er, twelve minutes, you twat.
Ten, twelve.
Don't know the difference between ten and twelve! Welcome to an edition of coverage of people who are ill in hospital.
- Dave you're ill.
- I've got gallstones.
They're being taken out? Are you nervous but everyone's wonderful? - No, a nurse fingered me.
- Gillian.
I'm here with Chris, who's got a broken arm.
- How did you break it? - It just broke.
- Interesting story.
They'll put it in plaster? - That is the plan, yeah.
We'll film that and put it on telly.
Soon I'll be talking to a doctor who's tired.
Edward.
Thanks, Gillian.
We've had a cock-up here and Dave is dead.
Here is Dave.
They'll cart him out on a trolley and we'll film that and put it on telly.
Meanwhile, here are some nurses and doctors walking about.
So, how's it going, Pete? Yeah, good.
I think you're gonna be pleased.
Paper came through from Singapore, Jono's been tinkering with the laser printer.
Colin, my top guy, he's looked after the water marks.
Yeah, I think it's looking pretty tasty.
Well, I'll be the judge of that, mate.
Come on, let's have a look.
Here you go.
Wha What's this? (CHUCKLES) It's the finished article.
It's a tenner but, of course, it's not, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Well, obviously not, it's all wrong.
That's not even the queen.
It's a queen.
Mate, the punters aren't gonna notice.
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands, THE queen, it's details.
Don't get hung up on the details.
That is a tenner.
That's what the man on the streets'll see.
Ten pounds.
Punds, it says punds.
It's your mind.
It's playing tricks on you.
You're on a negative vibe.
- It's the wrong colour.
- Oh, right, compare it to another tenner.
Right, that's fair, I don't think.
Course it's gonna come off badly compared to a real tenner, but in the real world, who sits at home and goes, "Oh, I think I'll get out all of my ten pound notes "and compare their colour"? Doesn't happen.
We're fine, mate, we're cushty.
It's the wrong size.
Things look more real when they're bigger.
That's on purpose.
It's a trick of the trade.
It's shit, all right.
It's total shit.
Look, OK, quick.
Which is the real one? - That one.
- No, see, no, you're wrong.
That is the real one.
You had to think about it, didn't ya? - No.
- You had to look.
Admit it, I saw you.
Obviously I had to look.
Look, I'll see you later, all right? OK, look forget the notes, what about this? Look at me and tell me you didn't think that was Van Gogh's Sunflowers.
- I'm going.
- All right, all right.
You don't like the picture or the notes.
I understand that.
Who uses notes anymore? Plastic, that's what everyone uses these days, so what aboutthis.
Mmm, not bad, not at all bad.
Exactly.
It's floppy.
Yep, folds away like a dream.
It smells of cheese.
It tastes of cheese.
Course.
It's an improvement on the real one.
Real credit cards taste like shit.
They call it a ruddy food court, it just means you have to queue twice.
You've only missed the first three frames.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And a chance now for Chris Lester as he strides towards the table, one of the taller players, as tall as he is toned.
And I think it's all right to say that in this day and age.
I agree, Peter, I don't think there's anything wrong with mentioning in passing that Chris Lester is very easy on the eye.
It's good for the game for a gifted young player such as Chris A gifted, young, tall, blond player such as Chris.
He is all those things, and I don't think it's going too far in these days of PC for me to call another man sexy, and Chris Lester is that man.
He is a friend of mine, he is a sexy young friend of mine.
He is my sexy young friend.
Welcome to coverage of people running a safari park.
This is John who looks after the zebras which ran away from the camera.
- John, what are you doing? - I'm getting the zebras their food.
Do zebras find it colder in Wiltshire than Africa? They do because it is.
While we let John get on with the job he does every day, Gillian's been talking to the head tree-counter.
Fifteen thousand, fifteen thousand and We're getting coverage of you counting trees.
- Yeah.
Oh, I've lost count.
- Sorry.
One, two, three, four, five OK, thank you for calling.
Pass us a biscuit.
- Ah! - Forget you saw that, OK.
That didn't happen.
Look I have some telekinetic powers, OK, but it's really nothing.
Nothing (?!) You can move objects with your mind.
(WHISPERS) Ssh, no one can ever know.
Also, it's very limited.
I can really only do it with biscuits.
Even so, it's a gift.
You should share it with the world.
No, I vowed never to use my powers.
Why not? Because when I do, things happen.
Dark, terrible things.
At first I thought it was harmless.
I suppose I was so high on the thrill, I didn't realise that even then my powers were consuming me like I was the last segment of a high-quality shortbread fan.
Jane Jane is that you? Rod, what a surprise.
Why didn't you call me? - It was complicated.
- Your mother told me you'd died.
I didn't want to hurt you and you were so persistent.
Still, erwater under the bridge, eh? All my rage and fear welled up inside me and expressed itself in biscuit form.
Are you all right, mate? You may call it a gift, but it's a curse, my friend.
Tragedy has stalked me at every turn.
- That's why you can never tell.
- No, you were just a kid, then.
You're older now and wiser.
You're manager of this sub-team, for God's sake.
Think of the good you could do with one of these now.
Not with that one, actually.
That's a Jaffa cake, it's not a true biscuit.
Whatever, the point is you could do great works, become famous or at least get a better job.
- Something in hospitality, perhaps.
- No, it's too dangerous.
Damn it, I won't let you squander your gift.
I'm gonna call my friend.
He's a manager at McVities.
No, you don't know what you're doing.
Hi, Austin, it's Dan Crikey, it's been a while.
How are you? Yeah, great.
Noooooooo! Damn you! Noooooooo.
.
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo .
.
oooooooo Oh, and that's a bad miss.
And just look at the disappointment on Chris Lester's pretty little face, that is a shame.
He is devastated, and I can never make up my mind whether or not he looks more stunning in moments of adversity such as these, than he does in moments of elation and joy.
Ted, for the fullest answer to that question you'd have to ask his lovely girlfriend, Jackie, but I know what you mean.
There is a quality to his fragile isolation that puts you in mind of Winona Ryder in court.
Which is about as sexy as it gets.
But for my money it's when he walks into the Crucible bar after a big win or a few snatched moments with Jackie and the light from the fruit machine dances through his hair and he smiles and he turns that smile onto you.
It's like basking in the light of twin suns.
You're quite right, Peter.
It makes me thankful my op went OK.
# Sur la plage # Je collectionne les coquillages # Sur la plage Oh, no.
No, not again.
No way.
No, you're not gonna get me this time.
No siree.
Nope, sorry, mate.
# En forme de coeur You bloody bastard.
# En forme de coeur The thing about having kids is you get to watch all those cartoons you used to love again.
They're disappointing.
I watched "Postman Pat" with Jake - and couldn't believe how bad it was.
- The worst one is "Captain bloody Pugwash.
" Oh, no, not really.
No, it is.
It's dire.
When its mouth moves, it just goes "buh, buh, buh, buh".
That's a bit harsh.
It was good.
It's awful.
Don't tell me one of you worked on it.
Yes, actually, Damian Damian was in it.
- Hi.
- You guys are winding me up.
- No, they're not.
- Really? You didn't write for it did you? No, I was in it, actually.
I played Steven.
- Steven? - Steven Pugwash, the captain.
Oh.
Oh, right.
Stupid of me.
I didn't recognise you without your, erm I don't go round all day dressed as a pirate.
No, of course not.
What I said about your mouth Really, forget about it.
As it happens I actually have a condition which paralyses my upper lip.
That's why I wear this moustache, but you weren't to know.
And, ermwhat are you doing these days? This and that.
You might have seen me in the Kenco campaign.
- The one with the - Pirates, yes.
I do rather suffer from typecasting.
Thinking about it, there was a lot to like about "Captain Pugwash".
It had a real charm to it and the performances were great.
Well, thank you.
It was better than some of the rubbish that was on, "The Flumps", "Dogtanian", er"King Rollo".
I mean, what the hell was that? He was like some kind of psycho child.
I see.
My boyfriend played King Rollo.
(SQUEAKING) Come on Adrian, we're leaving.
I tell you what's caught my eye in the headlines.
- Oh, shut up, David.
- I was just going to say I don't want to hear your jokes about the news when I'm trying to have a nice rest.
- No, it's just that my eye was caught - Get on a panel show.
You've got a big boil of topical satire that needs lancing.
No, I'm just interested in world affairs and at the same time very, very witty.
I wasn't gonna do a joke, I was gonna say that my eye was caught by this whole scandal in America.
Ooh, the scandal in America.
Yeah, that is interesting.
That must be the biggest scandal since Watergate Gate.
Since what? The US government hasn't been this screwed since You have to go all the way back to Watergate Gate.
Watergate Gate? Isn't it just Watergate? No, that would mean it was just about water.
No, it was a scandal or gate, add the suffix gate, involving the Watergate Hotel, so it was called the Watergate scandal or Watergate Gate.
But doesn't the term "gate", meaning a scandal, come from Watergate? What, take the last four letters of a previous scandal or hotel and add it on to all future scandals? That can't be the system.
- I think it is.
- What if there's a scandal about water? What do you call that? Well, you'd call it Waterga Oh, I see what you mean, erm Aqua Gate? It's not great, is it? (WOMAN) Ohh, it's lovely, thank you.
Yes.
And this is from me and Ben.
Merry Christmas.
Ooh, is this what I think it is? Could be.
It is, it's some heroin.
Hooray.
- We know how much you like heroin, so - Too right.
'Cause we were saying, "Can we get him heroin? "We got him heroin last year", but then Susie said, "Sod it, let's just get him heroin.
" You can never have too much heroin, that's what I say.
Well, it's Christmas, isn't it? - This is from us.
- Ooh, wonder what this is.
Hope you like it.
We both know how much you like heroin so we thought Oh, it's a book of heroin anecdotes, great.
We thought a bit more interesting than just giving you heroin again.
Yeah, yeah.
But we got you some heroin to have while you're reading it.
Oh.
You silly sods! And this is from me.
Ooh, thank you, Grandma.
It's some cocaine.
Oh, yeah.
That is the one you wanted, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
The man said that would be the one you wanted.
I tried to describe it and I did the face that you do when you've had some, you know, "Urghhh.
" - And he said that would be the one.
- Right.
I'll take it back for you, love, and change it for some heroin.
Thanks, Mum.
Ooh, look, James.
"Kids rapids ride".
Hello, what's this, then? Er, put the kid in the ring, send him down the rapids.
Ah, sounds exciting You put him in the ring and just literally Yeah, we just literally give him a shove off that bridge there and he goes down the stream, very exciting.
Right, and it's all safe and everything? You've done it before? Yeah.
No, well, actually no, well no.
We tested it on a football.
Right.
- Not that one.
- You sure? Oh, yeah, 'cause the one we tested it on we never saw again.
You never got it back? Well, it's a football, isn't it? It's not a boomerang or a child.
- I mean, it can't say it's lost.
- Sorry, I mean, this is all fine, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's all fine.
It's all fine, course it is.
I won't stay in business very long if it isn't I wouldn't have stayed in business very long if it wasn't.
You've got a safety certificate? You can make so-called certificates prove whatever you want.
- Have you got one? - That's what I'm saying.
You can make certificates prove whatever you want, look.
"Royal Academy of Safe Rapid Rides certifies that Barry Crisp "definitely knows what he's doing.
" Yeah, well, that all seems in order.
Right, do you fancy a ride then, James? - Let's take that as a yes.
- OK, let's get that ring on.
OK.
That's a fiver and an extra two quid, hire of an oar.
Oh, really, will he need one? - Well, I'd have thought so.
- Right.
- I mean, I'd want one.
Wouldn't you? - OK.
- And, erthree quid deposit on the ring.
- Why? - In case I don't get the ring back.
- Is that likely? Yeah.
Come this way.
Oh, and that's a bad miss.
Chris Lester approaches the table now.
His trademark headband, Ted, is that purely practical or is it also for the purposes of fashion? Well, he assures us, Peter, it's purely practical.
It's to keep his plentiful locks out of his forget-me-not blue eyes.
But it does look terrific.
Yes, well, we've all got them now.
And he's set something of a trend amongst the younger players, Ted, but, erneedless to say, none of them look anywhere near as good in theirs as Chris does in his.
Peter Ebdon in particular looks ridiculous, but I gather that Chris is quite attached to his hairband 'cause I was chatting to his lovely girlfriend Jackie the other night and, ershe was telling me that, erhe even wears it in bed.
Does he? Boy, oh boy.
What a sight that must be for Jackie or for his other girlfriend Amanda .
.
during their more intimate romantic moments.
Chris looming over them, his face flushed with concentration, just as he is as he gets down to this long red.
Ted, it's happened again.
Oh, Peter, you'll just have to sit in it till the mid-session interval.
OK, ready? Off you go.
(SPLASH) Ooh, I think the nerves got to him a bit there.