The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e02 Episode Script


Hey, how much farther is it
to the castle of Horus Scrum?
- Not far.
- Yeah, you're probably
wondering how I keep up.
- Nope.
- See, I just focus
on my thigh muscles
for an extra burst of speed.
- Look, bud.
I'm used to working alone.
- Taking breaks?
You know I'd keep going,
but you're the boss, so
- Evan, I warned you.
Questing is not easy.
It's serious business.
I'm worried you can't
take care of yourself.
- Oh, me?
Puh-lease.
I'm fine.
I'm gonna be a big help to you.
- Really? Okay,
well, then carry my sword.
- I'm--do what now?
Whoa!
I gotta put a new grip on it.
Hold on.
Whoa.
- My barbarian gut instinct
is telling me
that you're gonna be a pain
in my barbarian butt.
Okay.
Fine.
Physical strength
is not my thing.
But you don't have
to worry about me.
Trolls have amazing
survival instincts.
I can smell danger
a mile away.
- So much for smelling danger.
- Oh, come on, lady.
Don't take my snack.
I'm hangry.
- Ah, please don't let me
become a snack.
- Do you promise
to pay attention
and take care of yourself?
- Yeah, I promise.
One more chance.
- Sorry, bat.
Not your day.
- So dramatic.
All you had to do was ask.
Ah, thanks.
- When we get
to the wizard's castle,
maybe you should stay outside.
- No, no, no, no.
I gotta make him see
what he did.
Because of him,
my lute got destroyed.
Look at this.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look.
That is aggravated lute-icide.
Oh.
- Okay.
I know we just met, like,
yesterday at a tavern,
but you gotta pick up the pace.
Ditch the troll.
- What?
Rude.
- I can't.
I said he could come.
- Said he could come?
Oh, what, barbarians have
some sort of moral code?
They can't ever go back
on their word?
- That's right.
It's a barbarian creed.
- I'm just saying.
Less creed, more speed.
♪
- A troll burned
his bridge ♪
A warrior lost her crown ♪
I'm not being poetic ♪
That's literally
what went down ♪
Together, their journey
has begun ♪
Combining might and melody ♪
To quest and smite a demon ♪
And find their true family ♪
Yeah ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
Ooh, ooh ♪
"The Barbarian
and the Troll" ♪
Oh!
This is futile.
If I'm ever going
to get my revenge
on that barbarian,
I'm going to need help.
Can anyone lend me a hand,
a leg, anything?
-
- Oh.
Oh, hello, little girl
walking all alone on the path
with a goat.
Any chance of giving
an old skeleton a lift?
- My mom always taught me
never to talk
to disembodied heads
on the side of the road.
- That's oddly specific.
- Yet here we are.
- Silence!
I demand you transport me.
You know what to do, Helen.
- No. No, no, no, no.
No, no!
You'll regret this.
- Behold!
-
- The greatest wizard in all
of the local tri-village area,
Horus Scrum.
♪
- Stay behind me.
- You don't have
to tell me twice.
♪
- I speak to you
and only you, great wizard.
Ready yourself for battle.
Unless you are too cowardly.
- Brendar the Barbarian
is in my throne room.
Prepare to be smothered
♪
In compliments!
Ooh!
Big fan.
Big, big fan.
What--why is it so dark
in here?
Alexa, lights on.
Thank you, Alexa.
Whoa.
Welcome to my castle.
Mi castle is su castle.
- Is this how all wizards
initiate a battle?
- Who said anything
about a battle?
- The owl.
- Hey, it got her here,
didn't it?
- Point taken.
Who are you?
- Huh?
What?
- Announce yourself.
State your name
and what you want.
- Um
I am Evan the musical troll
of Gothmoria.
A-and I demand
that you repair my lute.
By demand, I mean, um, please?
- No.
- Okay then.
- We need to work on that.
- So, Brendar, I heard
you're a free agent,
and I'm in need
of someone like you
for an important
yet dangerous quest.
- "Yet Dangerous"
is my middle name.
- Aha!
- What kind of quest?
- Stand back and behold
the Quest Exposition
Explanation!
Settle in, everyone.
Gather around.
On the outskirts
of Gothmoria
is a magical castle
housing a most powerful
witch named Gnarlia.
That amulet you see is mine!
She took it from me,
and I want it back.
-
- But it won't be easy.
We gotta traverse
the Dark Forest of Torment,
the Black Mountains
of Despair,
and the Light Gray River
of Mild Inconveniences.
We'll end
at the Castle Gnarlia.
Brendar will smash down
the castle door,
take out the guards
while I confront that witch.
Have a magic spar,
ending with me, the victor!
Thank you.
- What's so important about
this rock that you need me?
- Well, you see this
ordinary looking owl here
before you
is actually
my beautiful daughter, Stacey.
- What?
- That evil witch Gnarlia
turned my beautiful daughter
into an owl!
- What?
- Yeah, what's sad is that
that evil witch
is Stacey's mother.
- What?!
- Mm.
- Plot twist.
- Whoa!
- Wow, an evil witch turned you
into an owl.
That is so sad.
- Not really.
I'm a total night person,
and I love to fly.
Plus I get to poop on people,
which is not gross.
It's natural.
- Hmm. Sure.
- You don't need a barbarian.
You need a family therapist.
- We're losing her, Dad.
Seal the deal!
- Uhhwait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Uh, in exchange for your
all-inclusive barbarian escort
for me to retrieve my amulet,
you will win--poof!
This bucket of gold.
Bucket not included.
- No, thanks.
- If you need a bucket,
I got a guy.
- Ah, how about this?
Uh, poof!
This anagogic cloak
of displacement
inscribed with mystical runes,
and inside, a vest of illusion.
- Holy moly.
Displacement and illusion?
You gotta take that deal.
- There's only one item
in this room
that I will accept as payment.
This axe.
- That axe is cool,
but the vest can take you
from day to night.
- Tell her what she's won,
Axey.
- The duel-plated
demon chopper!
Forged in the seventh
lower level of Hagmord,
then cooled in the tears
of a dragon.
I come complete
with a comfort-grip handle,
making me a quintessential
questing must.
Demons beware,
because you're getting chopped.
Offer valid in 29 kingdoms.
Some restrictions apply.
- Ah, well, it's no
sparkly vest but whatevs.
- Yes, but she has been
dipped in dragon's tears.
- Some restrictions apply.
- And only axes dipped
in dragon's tears
have the power
to destroy demons.
- Depending on restrictions.
- And I know just the demon
I wanna destroy.
- So what do you say, Brendar?
Can I get you in a quest today?
- Wizard Scrum,
I accept your offer.
And I solemnly pledge
to protect you
on your quest to retrieve
your magical amulet.
- Sweet.
Who's hungry?
We do an excellent garlic mash.
- Yum!
- It's made by skeletons,
so look out for bones.
- Boy, some people
will do anything these days
to get a-head.
- Impudent sky vermin,
I am the leader
of the great undead army.
- Check it.
It's alive-ish.
- Where's the rest of you, pal?
- You will take me
to the castle
of the wizard, Horus Scrum,
where I will rebuild my body.
- Well, we love
to help strangers.
Don't we, Norm?
- Oh, yeah.
That's all we do around here
is help, help, help.
Yeah.
So help me.
- And then the centaur says,
"Well, clearly you bet
on the wrong half."
- That's a weird way
to lose money.
Oh, hi.
Uh, no thanks.
I'm so excited about going
on this journey,
I've lost my appetite.
- Wait a second.
I didn't hire the purple guy.
What are you doing here,
purple guy?
- What?
Brendar.
Tell him I'm part of the quest.
- It's his quest.
You tell him.
Ask the nice wizard
if you can come.
- Yeah, he who pays
has the say.
- That's right.
- All right.
I'm the guy who's gonna
write songs about your quest.
Songs that everybody
in Gothmoria will sing.
- Mm.
- Especially a certain witch.
- Ooh.
I like the sound of that.
Sing me one of 'em.
- Oh, I would,
but one of your skeletons
back at the tavern
destroyed my lute.
- Oh.
Say no more.
Mmmm--poof!
It's en-jazzled.
I know you're fearless ♪
I know you're brave ♪
Sure, there's an owl
we gotta save ♪
But what about glory? ♪
Hey, what about fame? ♪
What's the point
of questing ♪
If no one knows your name? ♪
A girl got turned
into an owl ♪
And no one heard that news ♪
If no one performs,
no one's informed ♪
- Well, color me amused ♪
- I'm the one that gets
the people clapping ♪
You gotta have songs ♪
Or it didn't happen ♪
Music keeps the skellys' toes
a-tappin ' ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
Songs or it didn't happen ♪
Songs or it didn't happen.
I could tell them a tale ♪
About Horus the Great ♪
His magnificence
is only matched ♪
If you travel out of state ♪
With a barbarian,
some skeletons ♪
And a troll
with perfect pitch ♪
He quested and he bested ♪
A nasty little witch ♪
All hail Horus the Great ♪
Come on!
All hail
Horus the Great ♪
- Wanna dance?
- I can only swing dance.
- That's my axe to swing.
- Raise the roof, wizard style.
- Let's give it up for Horus,
you guys, come on!
I'm the one that gets ♪
The people clapping ♪
You gotta have songs ♪
Or it didn't happen ♪
Come on!
All hail
Horus the Great ♪
All hail
Horus the Great ♪
- Feel that musical euphoria!
All hail
Horus the Great ♪
All hail Horus the Great ♪
- Courtesy of the musical troll
of Gothmoria!
- Whoa!
- Well, Wizard?
Can I join your quest?
- Well, that was one heck
of an earworm.
Much better than the one
I had extracted last year.
- Ew.
- You are on the quest.
- Whoo-hoo!
Brendar, did you hear that?
My music's getting better.
I played my song,
and he picked me.
- Yes, but this quest
isn't just about music.
We're going to get into a lot
of dangerous situations.
- You won't regret this.
- I'm beginning to regret this.
- It's not my fault
giant spiders leave
their webs everywhere.
There should be a law.
- Evan, Gothmoria
is a dangerous place.
You can't just walk around
with your head in the clouds.
Are you even listening to me?
It wasn't my fault.
Help.
- Tastes like spider-flavored
chewing gum.
- Oh, boy.
- Look.
Not only is my reputation
at stake
but if I fail,
I don't get to keep Axe.
And I need Axe to rescue
my brother, Kendar.
If you get in trouble again,
you're on your own.
Do you understand me?
- I got it.
On my own.
Okay.
Don't worry about me
because from now on,
I will not get
in any more spider webs.
- Oh!
- Uh, I hate to be
a backseat driver,
but you missed the turn
back there.
- No, we didn't.
- I have a very good sense
of direction.
- Well, then you would know
we're taking you
back to our bat cave.
- What--
- Where we plan on turning you
into a lovely bone broth
for us and our friends.
- All 800 of 'em.
- Oh, great.
Here I thought
the worst part of my day
was going to be flying under
the business end of a bat.
- Ah, there you are, Brendar.
I'm paying you to lead us,
not to lollygag.
- Ugh, that troll is slowing us
down again, isn't he?
- Uh
- Evan just got swallowed
by a tree.
- Oh.
Well, that is unfortunate.
- Yes.
Terribly sad.
Okay, let's start trekking
and make up some time, people.
- Stop.
- What?
- I never leave anyone behind
on a quest.
It's a barbarian creed.
Also, he has my house keys.
- You won't need keys
where you're going.
- Axe down!
♪
Brendar!
- What?
Is someone there?
- Huh?
Who's there?
Ah.
- Hello there.
- Who are you?
- Uh, I'm Evan.
Hi, Evan.
- Allow me to introduce you
to my very best friend,
Wee Tinkle.
- And the other one of us
is Tee Winkle.
- Well, it's nice to meet you.
- You're not the only one
to get eaten by a tree.
- So did we!
- I can see.
- Already so much in common.
We're gonna get along so great.
- Uh, isn't there any way
out of here?
- There's no way out.
- It's true.
- Don't be so glum, chum.
You're our new trunk tummy
bunk buddy.
Plenty of sap to slurp
and acorns to crunch.
- Sawdust smoothie toast.
- Okay.
Cheers.
That's lovely.
Refreshing.
- He loves it.
- Time for a refill.
- Dad, the tree has your staff.
- "Ooh.
Look at me.
"I'm a wizard.
I have a magical staff."
- Ha!
Joke's on you, tree.
Takes years to master
the fine art of staff magic.
- Really?
- Ow-ow-ow!
- I'll turn you
into toothpicks.
When I'm free, you'll be mulch.
- Your little purple friend
is just an amuse-bouche.
You're the main course.
- That doesn't sound good.
- And then he says,
"If you leave now,
don't come back."
Then the whole bridge
goes up in flames.
- You actually burned
your bridge?
- Gee whiz.
That is ever so literal.
- Yeah.
But then I found
a group of friends,
and we started a really great
quest together.
Quests are
t-titally-rific.
- Yeah, they sure are.
Well, you see, I went from
being trapped under a bridge
to now being trapped
in a tree,
so I guess I'm not meant
to go on a quest.
- But, Evan, who's to say
you're not on the grandest
quest of all time?
- With us.
- Oh.
Well, that's a really great way
of looking at it.
You know, I guess I am
on my very own quest.
Hey.
I need my very own quest song.
Sometimes
everything goes all wrong ♪
You get feeling sorry
for yourself ♪
Sometimes,
you need a reminder ♪
From two friendly
little elves ♪
We're gnomes, bro ♪
- Oh, sorry.
- Just kidding.
No worries, friends.
- But yeah, to clarify,
we are gnomes.
- Maybe one journey's over ♪
- But a new one's
about to start ♪
- Sometimes
you storm a castle ♪
Sometimes you warm a heart ♪
Wow!
- Man, you guys
are really the best ♪
Brand-new friends
on my brand-new quest ♪
- Quest ♪
- Quest ♪
Staying positive ♪
In the face
of certain death ♪
Laughing and singing
till our last breath ♪
Even if it's soon ♪
We'll still sing our tune ♪
Staying positive
in the face of certain death ♪
-
- Huh.
Anything can happen ♪
You never know
what's in store ♪
So let's rock ♪
Rock!
- Let's roll ♪
Roll!
- Let's shake this tree's
pelvic floor ♪
- Floor ♪
- Floor ♪
- Something's happening.
Keep dancing.
Faster.
- Swing your partner
'round and 'round ♪
- Make a smoothie,
chug it down ♪
- Whoo. Faster, faster.
We got it now.
'Round and 'round
and 'round and 'round ♪
And 'round and 'round and
'round and 'round and 'round ♪
- Whoo!
And 'round and 'round ♪
- Stomach doing somersaults.
- What's that music?
- It's a lute.
- Evan's alive.
Staying positive
in the face of certain death ♪
Staying positive in
the face of certain death ♪
Staying positive ♪
In the face
of certain death ♪
We're free!
Hey, look at that.
I rescued myself.
- Evan!
- Huh?
- My axe!
- Oh, right.
- Axe and you shall receive.
♪
- Uh-oh.
- I don't know, Stacey.
I still don't understand
how a bird
can get caught in a tree.
- We are ever so grateful
for you helping us
escape the tree.
- As a token of our thanks,
please accept this gift.
- Thanks.
Gosh, what could it be?
It's, um
one gray sock.
- The instructions are written
on the wrapper.
- Be sure to follow them
exactly.
Or else.
- Or else what?
- Bye!
- Instructions?
It's a sock.
- Eh, okay.
Let's get moving.
We have to make up
for the time we lost.
- Tuck this away.
- Aren't you coming?
- Oh, but you said that--
- I said that if you got
in trouble again,
you'd be on your own.
And you were.
And you rescued yourself.
- Hm.
- And two annoying
little gnomes.
And all of us.
- Oh, so you're saying
I can come with you.
- You'll probably get me killed
in the next five minutes,
but you're learning.
We can build on that.
- Wha--
Thanks, Brendar.
Huh.
Maybe this journey needs me ♪
Maybe this barbarian ♪
With the impossibly
complex backstory needs me ♪
- Maybe this journey
needs me ♪
Maybe this little troll
who's lived under a bridge ♪
His whole life needs me ♪
- Wow.
You can really carry a tune.
- Yeah.
And you can carry my axe.
- Say what?
Oh, oh.
Ow, oh.
- Careful, Evan--
don't drop me!
- It's still a little bit
too heavy for me but--
I'm good.
Don't help m good.
- Careful.
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, Becky, I'm getting tired.
I'm cramping up.
Take over.
Here.
-
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Hey, hey, you, hey, hey.
Oh, great.
Crows.
Oh, get out of here.
Scoot, shoo.
Yes!
I am General Skelly
of the Great Undead Army.
And I will seek my reve--
Oh, great.
Hay fever.
Ugh!
Ugh.
Ohugh.