The Bisexual (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Will you marry me? You can still love and support each other and be on a break.
Only a lesbian would say that.
I googled that guy you're living with.
Yeah, what do you think? You should move in with me.
God, you're so great.
But you're my student.
I think it's something that we should leave unexplored.
I think you're right when you say this can't work.
Absolutely nothing is changing.
While we're not feeling so compatible romantically, we're feeling incredibly compatible professionally.
I have not done this before.
I've only had sex with women.
SHE WHISPERS: Fuck.
Don't you just love it here? I mean, everything is so fresh and cheap and I'm so charmed by all of the Black people? vendors.
Look, I don't know your life but you're not going to eat all those plantains.
They are going to go off.
And this market, plus your white man orientalist fetish, is the reason why the spice cabinet is such a fucking mess.
Hm.
So, you're still seeing that girl, huh? Looks like it.
Can I get your honest opinion about something? Shoot.
Yay or nay? Holy Sorry, that took me by surprise.
That is a healthy amount of hair.
You think I should shave it? No, your body, your choice.
I want your honest opinion.
Definitely lose the hair.
I mean, I'm sorry, no contest.
How did you let that get so out of hand? I don't know.
I'm Middle Eastern.
I haven't shaved in 14 years.
Girls like it.
Don't shave.
But it shouldn't be about what girls like, right? It should be about what I like.
Well, what do you like? I have no fucking clue.
Take these bags home.
I've got to go to work.
Do you think Sadie and Hye Me are a couple? Probably just a one night thing.
For the first time in my life I have the moral high ground and I can't say shit and milk it, just because I broke into the flat and spat gum in Hye Me's hair.
A pile of poop and a smile is passe, right? She rejected you.
She hasn't rejected me.
She just asked me to be her thesis advisor.
Yeah, I know, you're right, thesis advisor is the next logical step in any adult relationship right after au pair and scout leader.
She's Argentinian.
Professional and social hierarchies are not the same there.
Like, there isn't this teacher versus student identity.
You don't get it.
No, you're right.
I don't get it.
Goodbye, Gabe.
Where is everybody? Greg couldn't make it in.
His sister has got concussion and apparently that requires his expertise.
Jesse is at a wedding.
And Matt, I don't know, he's living so far up his own arse that he's possibly still commuting in.
At least Ruby has had a solid two hours working on that Hillary Clinton graphic for her blog.
Doesn't seem to care that we've only got a month - until the launch.
- KNOCK ON DOOR Sadie, would you like me to type up your notes for the pitch on Wednesday? Yes, I'd find that really helpful, thank you.
Yeah, I bet you would.
- Sorry? - Nothing.
And Ruby wants a meeting.
I can't do it.
I can't talk about her blog any more.
I'll make an excuse.
Thanks.
Right, I'm done.
I'll see you Monday.
Yeah, I'll see you Monday.
It's OK.
I've got you.
She's your student.
Well, she's incredibly bright.
I feel like I'm deep into the second act of my life and I haven't found my leading lady.
I don't want her to be the one that got away.
You know, we've said some really stupid things over the course of our lives but that might just be the stupidest.
Where is this coming from, love? I don't know.
It's just, she has this way of making it so I'm always one step behind.
Because she rejected you? No, she hasn't rejected me.
She's interested.
I just don't know how interested.
I don't know how to describe it.
You know, I just kind of feel like if the 22-year-old me could see me now he'd be like, lock it down, put a ring on it, that's the woman of your dreams.
OK, yeah.
But why are you still thinking about what that idiot wants? Do you want to sit down? Yes, please.
Thank you.
Excuse me, ma'am? Do you want a seat? No, it's fine.
God.
I appreciate that you came all the way here to deliver this shirt, but you are an asshole for making me look like this.
It was the only fun going out top I saw.
It was in the bag with all the shit I was taking to the charity shop.
You look retarded.
Jen, it was about 10 or 15 years ago it was decided that the R word is no longer in play.
Two of my cousins are retarded and I can tell you now they would not be offended.
They've got bigger shit to deal with.
APPLAUSE Fuck me, that was powerful.
Yeah.
It takes a few rounds to hit you, but when it does, it's heartbreaking.
OK, so don't look now, to my right there are these two girls, I think the one on the left was in Skins.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Is that your ex? Oh, my God.
They told her to cut her hair because you put gum in it.
Stop staring.
I normally hate girls when they cut their hair short but actually she looks incredible.
Hi.
Hey, Dennis.
This is Gabe.
My roommate.
Lovely to meet you.
Gabe, Hye Me.
Hello, Hye Me.
Hi.
Are you a couple? I need a piss.
This is really awkward.
God, I hate millennials overuse of the word awkward.
This isn't awkward, it's unprofessional.
Just kidding! Technically you're a millennial.
Technically you're a statutory rapist for what you're doing - with your student.
- Is something bothering you? No, nothing is bothering me.
God, I can't get over how great your outfit is, Hye Me.
Thank you.
It's funny, they say a good model is a blank canvas, and you are like a blank canvas of a person.
Leila.
And by that I mean that everything looks good on you.
Thank you.
Does anybody want a beer? Yes, God, yes.
I'll join you.
I can't get over how pretty and well dressed and slender you both are.
Almost absurdly slender.
You'd think your hip bones must really smack together in an uncomfortable way.
You left me.
I asked for a break.
Thank you.
I really love that top.
That is really fucking mature.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Tania, Hye Me, how hot is she? Hello, Tania.
Hi, Sadie.
Dance with me, Gabe.
Fuck this.
It's your loss.
Stop.
Sit.
I came here to see you.
These ain't my people.
Except for her.
She could be my people.
Beth has news.
Tell them.
Katie has gone home for the weekend to come out to her parents.
Shit, that moved fast.
You should be careful, Beth.
It is very easy to fall in love with a woman.
I don't know if I should be offended or not.
Katie's been with men only, right? And men are a much tougher nut to crack.
If I'm to believe anything I've learned from living with this slut and watching six seasons of Sex And The City.
Yeah, yeah, no, we're the worst.
Thanks for brining your boyfriend.
Girls are easier.
You know, it's easier to fall in love with a woman.
I don't think that's the case here.
Cool.
Great.
I am genuinely happy to hear that.
Mazel tov.
Let's have a party.
It will be her debut.
Where shall we have it? What about Hampstead Ponds? It's lesbian Mecca.
It's too cold for the pond.
Superstore.
- I hate that place.
It's full of gay guys.
- There's nowhere to go.
This is why we need a space exclusively for women.
Yeah.
Fuck inclusivity.
I want one space that makes me feel the way my brothers feel when they walk into Wetherspoons.
Leila, ignore them.
Does anyone know the girl with the shaved head? She's married to Holly.
You know, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.
You depress me.
Jon-Criss, perfect timing.
Ladies, this is Jon-Criss, and now that he's here we can all make our way to the next location.
No.
This place is clearly toxic, so why don't we all go to a bar in Soho? It's really fun in groups.
Maybe it would be interesting on an anthropological level.
No.
No, you're right, we are not going.
SHE WHISPERS: Yes, we are.
That's a yes.
MUSIC: Hold the Line By Toto It's not in the way That you hold me It's not in the way You say you care It's not in the way you've been Treating my friends Check it out.
Hey, you look like my sister.
Sometimes I like to masturbate over a picture of her.
Oh, my God, you're so cute, you remind me so much of Ed Sheeran in your little vest.
I've not cummed on your face No, I can't do this any more.
I'm just going to go and text shaved head.
Fair enough.
Later.
Have a good night.
Holy shit.
She's here.
That's Francisca.
Let's get fucked up.
I'm going to go and have a dance.
Two gin and tonics, please.
So, if you were straight, who would you go for? Apart from me? Well, if I can't have you, Gabe, I might as well fucking kill myself.
I don't know.
I feel like with all these guys if you took their pants off you'd find a smooth mound instead of a dick like a Ken doll.
I don't know, that guy's cute with the beard.
Hm.
I'm not going to lie, I was not expecting that from Jon-Criss.
Yeah.
He's an enigma.
It's nice if I bring these drinks to Francisca, right? I'm doubting she asked for them.
Well, not verbally.
Whatever, it's no big deal.
I'm going to say hi.
Do you smoke? Yeah.
Look, I just need a piss, yeah? OK.
Could you roll it for me? I'm a terrible roller.
Sure, it's no problem.
Thanks.
Can I, um? Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Are you actually a smoker? Not at all.
How long were you planning on keeping this up? I was thinking I'd quit after our first-born.
Wow! Well, I'm impressed with your level of commitment.
Yeah, don't worry, I was going to poke holes in my condom tonight because, you know, smoking can really fuck up your lungs.
You know, that's actually not very funny though because girls actually do that.
Like, it happened to my mate Joe and it's a bit messy and he's still paying.
It's not very funny, all right? Yeah, I know, sorry.
That sucks for your friend.
Is is that Chris? I don't know if that's Chris.
Shig head! It's my mate, Chris.
We went zorbing together once on his stag do, but we told him not to put water inside so he just came out with fucking shit loads of friction burns all over him.
Fucking total bants.
Chris? Hey, come here, brother! How are you, man? You look good, bro.
Thanks, man.
CHATTERING Not too much, bro.
Just working, same old shit, you know what I mean? CHATTERING Catch you later.
So how's it going with Hye Me? Well, she spent the best part of an hour describing her dreams to me this morning.
Right.
So that's where it's going.
She's lovely but I don't know.
Do you think Leila's OK? If you wanted to make her jealous, I think you've succeeded.
Baby I think tonight We can take what was wrong Leila? Have you seen these fucking things? Look, it's as big as my head.
What's wrong? I I shouldn't have left Sadie.
Don't be sad.
I've made a really big mistake.
No, you're going to be OK.
Will you sway with me? Need you so Soothing, isn't it? Take These broken wings There we go.
And learn to live so free You like dancing, I know you do.
ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Sylvia Yes, Mickey How do you call your lover boy? Come here, lover boy.
And if he doesn't answer? Oh, lover boy.
And if he still doesn't answer? I simply say Baby Oh baby My sweet baby You're the one Francisca.
She looks like the type that likes to be dominated.
What? The underaged South American, if I wanted to get with her, I'd pretend to have a plan.
She's 22.
CHEERING LAUGHTER PHONE BEEPS The people from work are having a party.
Who's going to be there? People from work.
Where do you work? Dirt.
Is that that salon where they get super mean and judgmental just cos you gave yourself a hair cut with kitchen scissors one night when you were drunk? Probably.
No, never been.
Is it going to be like a big party? Erm, I don't know.
I see.
Francisca, are you interested in ? No.
OK, then.
No.
Will you text me if it's a great party? No.
Are you going? Well, if I go home, it will definitely have been a shit night.
Sarah? Do you think they intuitively know how to look like they are in a magazine layout, or was this staged before we got here? - Hey.
- Hey.
At least Gabe isn't missing out.
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if we took a load of photos and sent them to Gabe and made it look like we were having the time of our lives? That's genius.
All right, one, two, three This is such a stupid idea.
Well, it will be worth it.
I used to be obsessed with Tom Petty when I was a little girl, but then I would fall asleep at night thinking about Pamela Anderson playing beach volleyball.
My mother thought I was gay, but I'm pretty sure I fancied my secondary school history teacher.
I carved him these wooden bookends and painted on his favourite quotes.
Yeah, it wasn't until he was opening it that I realised what an intense present it was.
Oh, no.
Sometimes I think if a guy had swept me off my feet the way that girl did in my support group for cutters when I was 19, that maybe I'd have been straight.
You can't date women all the way through your 20s and not be somewhat gay.
Yeah, I know.
I am definitely attracted to women, but like maybe I would have gone the path of least resistance.
Coming out to my parents was hands down the worst thing I've ever had to do.
They're from Iran.
It was awful.
I don't think I would have put my family through that if I felt I had another option.
Were you in love with your ex? Yeah.
The first time she kissed me I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest.
Well, then, it was worth it.
Yeah.
Good point.
Ooh.
Oh, he's left a voice mail.
Play it, play it.
In 20 years, you'll look back on this life and you'll think, "That was one of the best nights of my life.
That was my youth.
" THEY LAUGH I want you inside me.
Have you done this before? No.
Do you have a condom? Erm no.
Uh-huh Check the date.
Yep, we're good.
OK.
HE GROANS Is this OK? Yeah, it's good.
Erm are you bleeding? No.
I'm not bleeding.
SHE LAUGHS What's so funny, what? I just thought that it would be so different.
I thought sex with a man would be so different and it's not.
In the danger zone In the danger zone