The Boondocks s01e02 Episode Script

? I am the stone The builder refused ? ? I am the visual The inspiration ? ? That made lady Sing the blues ? ? I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ? ? The same spark That lights the dark ? ? So that you can know Left from right ? ? I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ? ? The inner glow That lets you know ? ? To call your brother sun ? ? The story that just begun ? ? The promise Of what's to come ? ? And I'm a remain a soldier ? ? Till the war is won ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ? ? Chop, chop, chop ? Here's something black people have known for a couple of hundred years: Niggas are crazy.
Black people don't like to talk about crazy niggas in public 'cause white people may be listening.
But I'm afraid the secret might be out.
Former singer Whitney Houston appeared in court alongside husband Bobby Brown, who's facing battery charges for allegedly beating his once-respectable wife.
Hell to nah! Bobby don't hit me.
See, we have this TV show, a-and it's- It's our TV show.
And I was tryin' to get more time on it.
It's my show, bitch! You know, I think they're on drugs.
Let's see what's on BET.
Oh, Lordy-Lord.
Oh, shake it to the right.
Mm.
Shake it, shake it, shake.
You boys cover your eyes.
Shake, shake, shake.
? Move them butt cheeks ? Got to leave something to the imagination.
That's just showin' too much booty.
Turn it.
And on our "Talking Points" this evening, it seems like the hip-hop community is trading in their gold chains for gold showers.
Hip-hop singer R.
Kelly is on trial again this week for sharing some of his liquid bling with yet another underage girl.
Some advice for Mr.
Kelly: Next time, use a golden shower curtain and keep your golden showers to yourself.
What's wrong with a man giving away a golden shower? Sounds like a nice gift to me.
What? Shoot, I wish somebody gave me a golden shower.
One, I like gold.
Two, I like showers.
Put it together, hey, that sound like the life.
Hoo! If you're good, Santa Claus might give you a golden shower for Christmas.
Christmas? My man Santa.
And controversial R & B superstar R.
Kelly will be heading into court tomorrow for the first day of his latest highly anticipated trial for child pornography and lewd acts with a local minor.
Granddad, can you take us into the city tomorrow to watch the R.
Kelly trial? Hell, no.
But you can walk.
It's 40 miles.
All the money I spent on them damn Nikes? Heh.
You better "just do it.
" Assistant District Attorney Thomas DuBois is leading the prosecution of Kelly and has a mountain of evidence against the famous R & B performer, including a videotape allegedly showing Kelly urinating on a 14-year-old girl, which is widely available for download Ooh.
I'm gonna go, uh check my e-mail.
Yeah.
Get your little short ass back here! Hey, boys! Hey there, Huey.
Riley.
I couldn't help but notice your sign, and I hope you boys aren't too upset about me having to prosecute Mr.
Kelly.
Hey, man, you do what you gotta do.
Why R.
Kelly, huh? What did R.
Kelly do to you? He's accused of relieving himself on an underage girl on tape, which is against the law.
Okay, okay, okay.
But let's examine this whole peein' thing.
So I can pee in a toilet, and it's okay, but if I pee on a person, it's, like, not okay? Well yeah.
Well, what if I'm peein', and Huey's in the bathroom, and I accidentally pee on Huey? Should I go to jail? What the hell would I be doin' in the bathroom while you're in the bathroom? Hold up, hold up.
Remember when we used to sleep in the same bed when we was littler? From time to time, I'd have a little accident.
You still do.
Shut up.
So, Mr.
DuBois, Mr.
"I Wanna Lock Niggas Up for Peein'," what's the statute of limitations on bed-wettin'? Why not prosecute me and R.
Kelly at the same time, huh? Now, Riley, no one's going to prosecute you for bed-wetting.
And you shouldn't.
It's a natural bodily function.
And now every nigga in the world gonna be scared to pee.
I may never pee again! Riley, it was a little girl! Oh, I seen that girl.
She ain't little.
I'm little.
Yes.
Gary Coleman's little.
Yes.
Mini-Me is little.
Very.
And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far.
But what about the victim? Oh, yes, the victim.
At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation? I don't think that I see piss comin', I move.
Mm.
She saw piss comin', she stayed.
Yes, she did, but And why should I have to miss out on the next R.
Kelly album just for that? Man, you just got beat by an 8-year-old.
And if R.
Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on your cat! I tell you, it sure is beautiful out here.
White folks sure know how to make some nice foliage.
Ah, come on, Ruckus.
You can't give the white man credit for the trees.
Where them two little nappy-headed grandkids of yours? Ah, they went into the city to watch the trial of that singer.
Oh, right, right.
That black sumbitch that supposed to have had urinal relations with that underage colored gal.
Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis marry a 14-year-old baby? You can't compare a chocolate monkey like R.
Kelly to Jerry Lee Lewis! Jerry Lee Lewis is the king of rock 'n' roll! Great balls of fire! Besides, that situation was different.
That was family.
We're here at the R.
Kelly trial, where there are a handful of angry protesters making their voices heard.
These are scholars, activists, pillars of the African-American community, and they are outraged.
And we're just going to head over here to the R.
Kelly supporters, where it's quite the festive event.
And you are? Hey! Now, why did you come out here to support R.
Kelly? 'Cause he good! And what about those protesters over there who say he's crossed the line? Mm.
Man, fuck them literate-ass, uppity niggas.
All they talk about is readin' and eatin' right.
Nobody wanna hear all that shit.
If I wanna get high blood pressure, then Nigga, get the carrot away from me! If I wanna get high blood pressure, then damn it, that's my business! Let's talk to another R.
Kelly supporter.
Uh, you there, urban youth.
Why do you think R.
Kelly is innocent? If I started peein' on you right now, would you, A, smile and ask for more, or B, move the hell out the way? But before you answer that, let me ask America: Has pee ever really hurt anybody? And I wanna give a big shout-out to my homey, D-Bone, whassup?! Okay, that's enough.
Oof.
Get off me! Get off me, Huey! Free R.
Kelly! Hey, yo, yo, yo! Look! Free R.
Kelly! Those R.
Kelly haters are oppressin' that little boy! Free R.
Kelly! Free- Argh! Get out of here, y'all.
We know what we talkin' about.
Get 'em! You want a piece of me? Aaaahhh! I knew it would be just a matter of time before violence broke out.
It's pandemonium here at the R.
Kelly trial.
Oh, the humanity! Mr.
Kelly! Mr.
Kelly! Do you have a statement? This is truly an example of black people stickin' together.
In the words of Sister Souljah, "An injustice anywhere is an injustice anywhere.
" Amen.
What did O.
J.
Simpson say to Kobe after his case was over? What's that? Don't let this whole trial thing turn you off to white women.
That's funny on so many levels.
Lord, I just wish they would let me on that jury, boy.
Thank God for the white man's court of law.
It's the only way to keep these crazy niggas under control.
Well, that and pepper spray.
You know, I sat on a jury one time.
Really? Oh, yeah.
It was in 1957, back in Tennessee.
Now, the defendant was accused of shootin' three little white women with a Winchester rifle from about 50 yards away.
See, now, he thought he was gonna get off with that old "I'm blind" excuse, but, oh, boy, he had another thing comin'.
The jury will now go off and deliberate on Guilty! That nigga is guilty! Sir, settle down.
You have to go deliberate.
I don't need to deliberate.
Hang that nigga now! I got the rope right here! King me.
Lady Liberty is on our side.
Justice will prevail.
The judge and jury will do the right thing.
I'm telling you, Huey, it's an open-and-shut case.
Mr.
DuBois, are you fully aware the extent to which niggas love R.
Kelly? Oh, Huey, it's under control.
Watch me work.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, not only will we prove it is Mr.
Kelly in the video, we will prove that the victim was 14 at the time the video was shot.
Thank you, Mr.
DuBois.
And now we'll have the opening statement for the defense.
The ancient Greeks, the architects of Western civilization, would regularly indulge in sexual activities with children.
Were they perverts? In Puritan America, the forefathers of this great land would take wives who were 12 or 13 years old, much younger than the alleged victim.
Were they sickos? In Tokyo, you can buy teenage girls' panties in vending machines.
Do we call them "disgusting"? Of course not! What do all those things have to do with Robert Kelly? Nothing.
Let's get to the point.
Now, some people see this so-called "mountain" of evidence, these "videotapes," "photographs," "eyewitnesses" and "DNA," and see a guilty man.
But some of us can see that "mountain" of so-called "evidence" for what it really is: racism.
Oh, he said it right there.
Which one was the one that got caught with that homely, little white gal? Kobe.
Right.
Now, I know exactly what happened to Kobe.
Kobe caught that white fever.
White fever will get in your blood, man.
It'll make you crazy.
And you know they got them short, little skirts nowadays and that, uh- What-? What they call them? The-? The-? The tongs? Thongs.
Yeah, right.
They got the thongs all up the booty crack, and they got that sweet white nectar.
Oh, Lord, have mercy.
And after that, it's over.
You wake up, and you don't even know what you darn done.
Just a pool of sweat around your ankles and a deep sense of satisfaction.
Gimme a minute, Robert.
You look like you need to take five.
Mm-hm.
Yeah, sure.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you the R.
Kelly tape.
I warn you, it is graphic.
Yeah! Oh.
Oh, my Oh, my No, he didn't.
Objection! We can't even see his face clearly.
Man, he got freckles and everything.
That proves nothing! Hello? Yes, this is Robert Kelly.
Yes, the singer.
You want my Social Security number? Sure, it's 916-34-7865.
Okay.
God bless.
Well, um Now, young lady, I know this might be hard to talk about.
No, it's cool.
How old were you when you were seeing Mr.
Kelly? Mm, 14 and a quarter.
Wow.
That's a great age, isn't it? Still learning so much about the world.
Whatever.
I guess.
Could you describe the events leading up to the shooting of the video? Yeah.
He asked if he could pee on me, and I said, "Fo' sho'.
" I mean, it's R.
Kelly, the Pied Piper of R & B.
I been peed on by guys that don't even have record deals.
Shit, if I didn't want to get peed on, I'd just move out the way.
Ha! I told you! Order! Would you describe yourself as an African-American woman? Nigga, you blind? No, I'm not.
So it's safe to say that R.
Kelly is sexually attracted to black women, right? Mm-hm.
Objection, relevance! Your Honor, I'm trying to establish to the court that my client is a proud black man who loves his black sistas, unlike District Attorney DuBois, who's married to a white woman! Damn.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Now, I've listened to your black ass talk all day about how much you can't stand black folks.
Ain't two of 'em in the history of the world that's worth a squirrel fart.
Well, how much you love white folks? Best thing the good Lord ever did for the planet Earth.
Ruckus, you black as the ace of spades, man.
I don't see the need for you to go and insult a man after a game of Checkers.
We been reminiscin' all day, lookin' in each other's eyes, actin' like we like each other.
Now, you gotta go ahead and remind me of my ailment.
Ailment? That's right.
You heard of vitiligo? Shoot! Well, I got re-vitiligo.
Every year my skin just seem to get blacker and darker and blacker and then more darker.
Huh.
It's the opposite of what Michael Jackson got.
Lucky bastard.
Ruckus, how could you possibly love white people so much? It's easy.
Have you ever looked at 'em? White man is just a joy to be around.
They smell like lemon juice and Pledge furniture cleaner.
And look at 'em.
They gave us discipline, jobs, put structure in our life, took us out the jungle.
And what we do to show our appreciation? We march up and down the street.
We vote.
Carry on.
Ingrates.
Well, how about this? Game.
Nigga.
I'm going to show you something they don't want you to see.
Something that will blow this case wide open.
This is R.
Kelly's NAACP Image Award Certificate of Nomination.
Hey, man, you got his card? He's good.
Did you wash your hands? You think they nominate just anyone for this award? I got one! You know why he wants to put R.
Kelly in jail? Why? Because he's afraid of R.
Kelly.
Oh.
Objection! Shhh! Would you be quiet? Shush.
I think he's afraid.
I think the whole system is afraid of R.
Kelly.
Your Honor, please! If you don't shut up They're afraid because they see the power for good that this man wields through his music.
Yes, they do.
Mm-hm.
They don't want R.
Kelly to be free because they don't want you to be free! They don't want me to be free! Maybe R.
Kelly did urinate on this woman.
But America urinated on R.
Kelly! Oh! Tell 'em! He got framed! And if you let them put this man in jail, America will urinate on each and every one of you! Assalamu'alaikum.
Wa alaikum assalam.
Brother.
Please, people.
You saw the tape.
The girl testified she was underage.
You- You're not allowed to do that to a little girl! We have a videotape! Go tell that to your white bitch.
Mmm-hmm.
But the girl was Prosecution rests.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, all that needs to be said is this: Aw, yeah! ? Stickin' to me, girl? ? Golden when we touch? ? Fit just like We're meant to be together? ? We just started? ? Feel your body Let it go? ? We can make this-? Hey! What the hell is wrong with you people? Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela! Yes, the government conspires to put a lot of innocent black men in jail on fallacious charges, but R.
Kelly is not one of those men! We all know the nigga can sing, but what happened to standards? What happened to bare minimums? You a fan of R.
Kelly? You wanna help R.
Kelly? Then get some counseling for R.
Kelly! Introduce him to some older women.
Hide his camcorder.
But don't pretend like the man is a hero! And stop the damn dancin'! Act like you got some goddamn sense, people! Damn! Through playin' around here! Boooooo! Hey, you with the Afro! Give it a rest! Beat it! Put the music back on! ? Got you stressin'? I did battle with ignorance today, and ignorance won.
I admit that I'm often vexed at the behavior of my own people.
Yeah, "vexed" is a good word.
I told you about messi'’ with them white women.
You do what you can to help black folks, and they make you wonder why you even bother.
But they're our people, and we gotta love 'em regardless.
Break it down! One thing for sure, though.
Can't blame this one on the white man.
What am I saying? Of course I can.