The Boss Baby: Back in the Crib (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Hold all my call Whoa! Boss Baby! ♪ I'm the boss Dial in to the meetin' ♪ Everybody here? Please find your seatin' ♪ While you teethin' I'm sinking my teeth in ♪ First one to show So I could do all my greetin' ♪ Profits, payrolls and pacifiers ♪ I make friends I love you, you're hired! ♪ So come on And raise your juice boxes skyward ♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Can a baby get a witness? ♪ Grab a high chair This the family business ♪ Boss Baby ♪ I've got eyes on the launch site.
What's our countdown, Pip? T-minus-number, number, number I don't know how to count backwards.
HQ to team.
VP of Field Operations Tina Templeton speaking.
Co-VP.
We're looking at blue skies with a warm breeze.
Should have a great crowd for today's stroll.
Let me hear those final check-ins.
Honey Badger? Vroom, vroom, vroom.
I'll count that as present, Honey Badger.
Tina, I don't wanna overstep.
Today's your mission.
Great job so far.
But wouldn't it be simpler to just use our regular names? Yes.
But the secret code names are animals.
- Golden Retriever? - What do you need? Formula? Breath mint? Back adjustment? Your can-do attitude and infectious positivity.
Chameleon? Did we lose Dez? Rustle, rustle.
I am foliage.
Stress toy.
Squeeze out your fears, boss.
- Co-boss.
- Sorry.
I am so sorry.
I've never assisted two bosses.
I don't know what to call you! Don't overthink it, JJ.
Tina and I are two professionals sharing power with a mutual respect.
Still need your check-in, Pufferfish.
Come in, Pufferfish.
- Here, Pufferfish, Pufferfish.
- I'm not answering to Pufferfish.
Round? Adorable? Kind of prickly? Gets all swollen when mad? Present.
Ready stations.
Baby Eaglet is leaving the nest.
- That's it? This is what the hoopla? - Stand by for six seconds from now, when you thank me for not letting you finish that sentence.
And you are welcome.
Ooh! Look at that.
Oh, I just wanna eat it with a spoon! Aw! Aw! All that Baby Love.
You get this much every day? Pshh.
That's not our goal for the morning.
Welcome to the Five Percenter System.
Code wet.
Do not let that mop get water-sagged.
Pufferfish, deploy spikes.
Uh, spikes? I don't wanna tell you how to do your job.
Yay! I don't want you to do that either.
Deploy spikes.
- Can I get a better animal name? - I gave you the best one.
Fine.
Hang on to your romper, Iggy.
Whee! Code wet.
Hung out to Wow.
Crowd's engaged, team.
Let's kill them with cuteness.
Puff and pucker, go.
So beautiful.
And chow for quacker.
Is this part necessary? You gonna not feed Lumpy the Park Duck? His face looks like loose taco meat.
- Can you just trust that I know my job? - Of course.
- Playgroup's active.
What are we thinking? - Pat-a-Cake? Bake me a cake as fast as you can.
Yeah.
He was born with all of it.
Aw! Spectacular work.
Take some personal time.
- Yay! - Okay.
Rustle, rustle.
Photosynthesis.
We hit our love goal? Super almost.
We'll pick back up after playgroup.
Why are we stopping? Playgroup runs on autopilot, and we have lives outside of our jobs.
Why?! JJ, could you tell Boss Baby that we work with these Five Percenters every day and are excellent at it? JJ, could you please teach Tina the ABC's? "Always be checking to find unexplored avenues for increasing Baby Love.
" It's basic management.
Oh, please don't ask me to take sides.
I'd be assisting one of you and unassisting the other.
And I'm sorry, my heart can't do that! And we never should have asked you, JJ.
- Fine.
You want a turn running this show? - No.
I'd do an amazing job, of course, but only if you think.
You're up.
You'd better give me an amazing animal code name.
Break's over.
I don't like the lighting in that spot.
- To the picnic area.
- That's in the opposite Initiate a daddy fetch and trust that I know my job, Yappy Schnauzer.
You probably meant that name as an insult, but I love it.
Whoopsie shoesie.
Vroom, vroom, vroom Five four three two And that's how it's done.
Yes! All right! Wind in the hair? Wow.
Brilliant.
Team effort, co-boss.
Yeah, it was.
You earned your 10% credit for this win.
Let's call it fifty-fifty.
Why fifty-fifty when I was in that chair 90% of the time? The last 10% is five times as important as other parts.
Did I see a scratch? - I can confirm a scratch.
- Take care of that dry scalp.
Baby oil locked and loaded.
- Look, I just came to say good job.
- Back at you.
Sorry, I'm only able to perform 10% of a fist bump.
- What's wrong? - Wonderlocks is scratching.
What's the? Head lice! - We take full responsibility.
- 90%, 10%.
Shh, shh, shh.
Look at these cameras.
Do you think they care about who did what, how, wheretofore, whomst? No.
All they care about is le performance.
"Performance.
" Dialect coach.
My sponsor's looking to expand into French-speaking markets.
Buttsnuggers Diapers, le très super bon.
Ah-ah-ah.
Très "super" bon.
Thank you.
No shame in having head lice.
Gah-gah knows I've had my share of disgusting body issues.
But with Buttsnuggers Diapers, oh, you would never know.
I've told you saying things that way does not make it French.
Here's the skinny-skin.
I'm always on.
This company's always on.
We need our Five Percenters to be always on.
Can't have Iggy missing his stroll for a hair-bug quarantine, or Baby Corp will be left sitting uncomfortably in our own doo-doo.
Like a baby in a Buttsnuggers Diaper? No.
That would be a pleasant experience.
- On it.
- We'll take care of it.
- "Rub shampoo vigorously into hair.
" - Don't crowd.
- I'm trying.
There's not much room.
- Sorry, ma'am.
I'm the biggest I could be.
- Dez? - No.
Who's Dez? I'm a part of this landscape.
How we doing, Igs? Cute.
Sort of.
Yeah, really loses something without the hairdo, huh? Come on, Iggy's pop, shampoo that kid back to Five Percenter status stat.
"Leave hair in shower cap and repeat for three days.
" Three days? We can't be Iggy-less for three whole days.
- Baby Love would crater.
- Wow, really? Seems like a flaw in the Five Percenter business strategy.
You wanna help or criticize? Your words can only do one of those.
Ma'am, sir, no idea why a potted tropical frond would know this, but you should talk to Simmons in R&D.
Heh.
You better believe I have a solution.
I've spent months dreaming up a whole salon's worth of hair products - for baby Iggy.
- Why? It's not my fault society trained us to overvalue celebrity.
Quick-kill lice formula.
Just lather it up, and in three minutes, watch Iggy's head lice get massacred worse than No way to end that analogy tastefully.
You're the best, Simmons.
Not sure how you're gonna apply it.
Iggy's dad is incredibly devoted.
Almost never takes his eyes off him, even when Iggy's sleeping.
It's society's fault I know this! We got anybody on the team who can occupy a grown-up's time that long? But if aerodynamics and ancient Australian hunters don't convince you I should own this device, here's Yvette demonstrating over 207 uses for the boomerang.
In pantomime, obvs, because we don't really have the 'rang yet.
I don't know.
It can't be that unsafe, right? - I mean, yeah, it looks fine.
- We gotta be on the same page.
- I guess.
- You can get a boomerang.
- Yes! - Up-bup-bup.
But you have to buy it with your money.
Naturally.
I was thinking you could pay me in advance for the home security services I'd provide as a boomeranger.
Thank you, but no.
You don't have to keep doing that.
It's not for you anymore.
There's allowance money waiting for you to finish your chore list.
I've been crazy busy with schoolwork and soccer - and preparing a boomerang presentation.
- Psst! Okay.
You know where to find us when your chores are done.
What? No.
Ugh! - Excuse me, I'll be right back.
- Oh! Those will be our boomerang's first words.
What's the prob? Hey! - Field team mission.
- We'll brief you on the way.
I can't do a mission.
I've got chores.
Congratulations.
You wrote the most boring spy novel.
- I need the money.
- If you help us, we could help you.
Oh.
Really? I'll put dishes away just to end this conversation.
Throw in trash takeout and we just closed this deal.
Demanding an unrelated concession as a final closing condition.
I've never been so proud.
Hello.
I'm with the Future Nurses Club, gathering donations for the children's clinic.
Kid, you rang the right bell.
I love children, charity and health care.
What do you need? We always need diapers, if you happen to have a baby.
I do have a baby.
Give me two shakes.
- Shh.
- I know I have to keep quiet.
You don't have to shush me.
- You hear something? - Just me singing the Future Nurses anthem.
Bee-boo, bee-boo Ba-doop-boo, doo-doo, ba-doop-boo doo ♪ Nurses of the Future! Pshh! Wow, look at all those diapers.
Thank you.
Wonder if you can help me tick other stuff off my list.
- Whatever you need.
- Hmm.
Let's see.
Toilet paper, paper towels, moving boxes, file boxes, cereal box tops, tops as in toy, tops as in clothes Now we sit for three minutes and enjoy the screams of dying lice.
Question: We know the lice are gone, but how are you planning to tell Iggy's dad it's clear for tomorrow's stroll? - Okay.
I'm just gonna take this one.
- I got it.
canned fruits, canned vegetables, canned air, air horns, bike horns, those party favors you swing around that go Psst! Hey.
Just one moment, kind sir.
- Dad needs to know that - Iggy's lice are gone.
And I'm gonna need my room cleaned.
- Fine.
- Deal.
A passing medical professional reminded me I can get another Future Nurses achievement if anyone in this house has a contagious disease or parasitic infestation I could identify.
- My son has head lice.
- Let's identify that sucker.
Bad news for my Future Nurses achievement, but good news for you and Iggy: Shampoo must have worked fast, 'cause those head lice are gone.
What? Hear that, Iggy? We get to take our walk tomorrow.
Aw Whoa! So cute.
All right, team.
Make them open up and say "aw.
" Freeze.
Advance to the important part.
Zoom.
Zoom.
Zoom.
- Zoom.
Zoom.
- It doesn't zoom any closer.
Um, pretend it zoomed a billion times and tell me what I'd be seeing.
The head lice are, uh, back, ma'am.
Ah! Legend nails it first try.
And now we are again looking at one of our cutest babies going into quarantine.
What happens if we lose Iggy for three days? His dad's gonna shave his head.
Ugh.
Spectacular worst case, Simmons.
Who else wants to shout your nightmares? Don't be shy.
No, that's what's actually happening.
The lice keep coming, and Papa Bear thinks the only way out is a clean shave once Iggy goes to sleep.
Oh! That hair is too pure for this world.
This company can't afford to lose a Five Percenter.
You get over there and get that baby lice-free.
- That's what we did yesterday - Yesterday's gone.
All we have is our now.
- Buttsnuggers.
- Better.
Should I hit up Simmons for a batch of quick-kill lice formula? No.
Fight, fight, fight! - No, what? - Not what's happening.
Tina and I are on the same leadership page.
We both know the same thing.
We're not gonna stop this with lice treatment.
- If we wanna save Iggy's hair - We have to stop who's doing this.
You think someone gave Iggy lice on purpose? Two outbreaks in two days? That's not coincidence.
That's targeting.
Somebody's trying to take out our Five Percenter.
- Lice Co.
- What? Our new arch nemesis.
A secret corporation of intelligent lice with one goal: total itchy apocalypse.
- I drew it while you were talking.
- No, the drawing isn't the point.
Lice Co? It's like Baby Corp.
But they work to increase Lice Love.
By giving babies lice? I'm not saying it's a quality business.
Who do you think did it? The obvious suspect, a jealous baby from the Pat-a-Cake group.
- None of whom have lice.
- They're hiding it.
That's the diabolical genius of it.
We only have time to pursue one lead before Iggy gets shaved.
We'll have to agree.
- All right, team.
- All right, team.
We are gonna shake down those Pat-a-Cakers and find out which is licing Iggy.
We are going to recreate Iggy's stroll, find out how he stumbled onto Lice Co's secret HQ, and bust it wide open.
That's JJ paralyzed with indecision.
So how do we split up the team? As the more ludicrous plan, you'll need the most help.
I'm strolling.
All I need is a stroller.
Zinc-coated rear-wheel shocks and snacks in all my pouches, ma'am.
Swank.
So Pip can help with your pointless interrogation.
- I don't respect boundaries.
- Come on, Pip, clock's ticking.
Okay, Dez, let's go get lice.
I'm a push stroller, ma'am.
Don't ask me to be what I'm not.
Hey, Tabitha.
Pushies? Depends.
I'll do the windows.
Pat-a-Cakers, huh? Sure that's your only game? I hear one of you has been playing Itch Bug Peekaboo on the side.
So you wanna tell me who's carrying, or do I let him find out? Keep your eyes peeled.
Lice Co's HQ has to be on Iggy's stroll path.
If it looks itchy, gross or nefarious Ooh, nasty hats.
Gimme.
Not itching.
Go.
Weird old guy with too many cats.
Whoa, princess.
My fur babies don't go in for horseplay.
- What are you doing? - Tina.
Sorry.
She has a friendly head.
Promising, but no Lice Co Tree! Darn.
No lice.
Lots of chewed gum.
Is this what all Baby Corp field missions are like? Yes.
Is it you, Shifty Eyes? How about you? The sensation must be unbearable.
Bloodsucking parasites set up a cabana in that corn silk, crawling all over your scalp.
Skit, skit, skit.
Ooh, you're dying for one scratch Not you, Pip! You painted a picture with words.
- Hmm.
None of them are itching.
- I can see that.
Yo, Boss Baby.
You seen any flowerbeds I could rub my head around in? What's up? No sign of the elusive- because-it-doesn't-exist Lice Co? This close.
How's the interrogation? - Uh, perfect.
- Even though nobody's talked at all.
It's obvious what you're doing wrong.
But it's okay.
I can fix it.
Great.
Yes, please.
I said, I can, but I sort of already made a deal with Tina.
- I'll beat her price.
Double it.
- No.
A ten-pounder? Hold on to it, Pam.
I'll be right there.
- Uh, ma'am.
- We sell seashells by the seashore.
- It's a team business and has always been.
- Come on.
I'm your favorite.
Uh-uh.
I love you equally.
Which is less than I love the idea of boomerang ownership.
Wash the windows and dust the blinds.
- Deal.
- Hey! Love you, Tina.
We'll boomerang later.
Guess it's just you and me now, Dez.
Dez? Dez? Dez? Dez? Hi, Lumpy the Park Duck.
I forgot to feed This is the expertise I'm paying for? Peekaboo.
You just needed that big-sister playtime vibe.
Now that they trust me, they're putty in my hands.
So talk, putty.
Tell big fun Tabitha which of you gave Iggy a lice head.
- Or just scratch already! - Hi there.
- Don't think we've met.
- Oh, hey.
Hope it's okay my brother and his friend play here.
Their play group was canceled 'cause of a lice outbreak.
- Lice? - Oh, no! - Lice? - Lice! Lice! Lice! There are so many bones in the human foot.
I never know the right words, so I just try things.
Marshmallow.
That mass panic was genuine.
I don't believe those babies have lice.
Tina! - Tina, are you okay? - It's my own fault.
Poor birdie's just hungry.
Ugh.
You always feed Lumpy the Park Duck.
I fed the duck, ma'am.
I'm a stroller.
I have snacks.
Wait, then why the attack? Hmm.
That is a very good question.
Tina, is that just ponder scratching or? I finally got lice! - Ew.
Warn me next time.
- Ew.
The duck is the source.
You weren't attacked for not feeding him.
You were attacked for getting close to the truth.
Yes! The duck works for Lice Co! No, that's ridiculous.
He's operating some sort of Duck Love organization.
- Who loves ducks? - Who loves lice? Duck chase! Might I be of assistance? Great work, JJ.
Dez has lice shampoo in his storage pouch.
Hurry, we'll hold Lumpy.
- Seriously? - We're doing this now? I wanna 'rang something.
Can you water plants? - Fine! Get the duck! - Okay! No, no, no, wait! Hallelujah! - You're sure? - Sir, I'm a future nurse.
I know when a lice crisis has been contained.
- You and your baby are free to stroll.
- How can I ever repay you? No need, sir.
I have my reward.
Hey.
Throw it to me.
I'm trying.
It just comes back.
Who gives toilet work to a baby? We don't even use them.
Yeah, we gotta keep an eye on that kid.
- Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ Boss Baby I'm a legend, mythic ♪ Y'all heard the story But you know what the twist is? ♪ Welcome to the family business ♪ Boss Baby ♪