The Cafe (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Afternoon Tease
( # "Beyond the Sea" - Kathryn Williams) Thanks, Phil.
Sorry I'm late.
I put unleaded in the van, instead of diesel.
Not Again? Yeah nightmare! Thanks, Phil! Yeah, I know, mate.
He's such a wazzer.
John, hi! Oh, sorry.
Sure.
Hello? Yes, this is Sarah Porter! Sorry Sarah Porter.
I sent some of my work in recently.
Yes, that's the one! Oh.
Thanks for reading it anyway.
Bye.
You alright, Frank? Yeah, can't complain.
Uh, are there any leftovers? End of the day, Frank.
(Seagull cries) James, how are you? I'm well.
You're looking good.
Thanks.
Sarah! Any luck? No, they didn't like it.
Weren't there meant to be four of you today, Nan? Barbara couldn't make it.
Why not? She died.
Oh.
You back for good, Sarah? Yeah, for a while.
Did that place turn you bogies black? That's London, Mr Dobson black is back.
(Laughs) Good one! (Laughs) I like the hair, Mrs Dobson.
I look like a mouldy coconut.
The heat in the greenhouse ruins my cuticles.
Follicles.
Is that the post? No, it's a toaster.
He gets later and later.
Tea.
Irish James.
In a cup, not a mug.
Jack Dobson! I wasn't looking! What? Nothing.
You've put jam on your scone.
Oh, a bit of jam won't kill him.
It would if it got into his eyes in oncoming traffic.
Think about it.
Never mind the traffic.
It's cream first, jam second.
Says who? Me.
And everyone else from Devon.
You're from Taunton.
Cream cheese comes from Cornwall.
You're thinking of pasties.
Jack, get it off.
Oi, madam.
James' tea.
Done it.
(Clinking cups / conversation) Well, at least someone's getting some writing done.
(Sea breeze / seagull cries) 'I need it signed off by Thursday.
' 'I told you, I'm in Weston-super-Mare.
' Somerset.
Yes, "ooh-aah".
Well, Thursday no later.
Sorry, I didn't know you were here.
How is she? Up and down.
What is she today? Fairly up.
Oh, OK.
Right, I'll leave you to it.
Bye, Pauline.
Alright, Mum? Before you know it, it's scone! (laughter) Sarah, listen to this! What's the fastest cake in the world? What is the fastest cake in the world? Before you know it, it's scone.
(laughter) Them lavender bags were popular at the council meeting.
You mention they're perfect for the knickers drawer? I did.
The mayoress bought four.
(all) Oooh.
What does "lavender" mean, Stanley? Cleanliness.
From the French, "laver".
And what does that mean? To wash.
It is clever.
Stan! Yes, Alice? Cream first or jam? She's off again.
Blob of cream, dollop of jam.
Bob's your uncle! And Fanny's your aunt! It wasn't like that in Padstow.
Because cream teas come from Devon.
No, they don't.
It's called a Devonshire cream tea.
I had a Cornish cream tea.
That's because they nicked it, dirty Corns.
Cornish.
Shut up, Jack.
Ladies, does it matter if it tastes good? Yes, it does! To who? Actually, Carol, to the EU.
Devon took their cream teas to the EU.
Did they like them? Not to eat, Carol.
For protection.
From what? Those dirty Corns.
Cornish.
Shut up.
They never did.
They wanted to stop the sales of "Devonshire cream teas" unless the scones and cream came Devon, or it was prepared in Devon.
Quite right.
Preposterous! Food isn't named after where it's from.
Tell that to Yorkshire puddings.
Or Eccles cakes.
Or Jaffa cakes.
Where's Jaffa? Israel.
It's not a cake.
It is.
Says who? The EU.
(both laugh) They can mind their own business.
I agree.
Yum, yum, a Devonshire cream tea.
Shove that up your EU.
Where are you going? Tea break.
We'd all like a tea break! Don't be long.
A tea break! Watch Discovery channel last night, Mrs Smith? What time? Eight.
(Laughs) Oh, no.
Skating on the Ice was on.
It was about stroke victims.
They showed the atheroma, which is in the neck.
Alright, Scuttler? Alright.
Alright, Mrs Smith? What's happening? An international convention on cream teas.
(gasps) You cream first or jam, Mrs Smith? Just a little cream.
No, jam innit! What's that joke about scones? S'gone.
Yeah, completely.
Alright, Eva.
Hello.
How's it going? Good, thank you.
What time's your break? 20 minutes.
Laters.
Laters! So because of the swollen atheroma when you lie back, blood can't reach the heart.
That's why so many OAPs have a stroke after their hair's washed.
Fascinating, innit? I'm going for a wee.
Eva can finish it off.
"You're through to Newport Literary Agency.
Please leave a message.
" This is Sarah Porter.
I sent in a manuscript a few weeks ago.
Any feedback would be great.
Thanks, love you.
Bye.
Hi.
Great devil costume.
I'm not the devil I'm Hellboy.
Oh, doesn't Hellboy move? Not when he's thinking.
Of course.
Thought you were only staying a few days.
Yeah, change of plan.
Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
Coffee in 34 seconds? Yeah, just picking up the missing air freshener from my car magazine.
Laters.
Laters.
Bye.
Ok.
I'll leave you to it.
Bye.
(Sea breezes) (Seagull cries) Big Issue! That's 3-all.
Come on, girls! Brussels sprouts.
Alice Dobson, thinking outside the box.
That's 4-3 to Alice.
Bon-Bon! Double whammy that's 4-all.
Brazil nuts.
5-4 to Alice! Bakewell tart.
5-all! Jamaica Jamaica ginger cake! No, I bought it at the supermarket.
(All laugh) 6-5! Frankfurter.
Yes, Mary! There's not a place called Frank.
Frankfurt.
Oh, yes.
6-6! Next one wins.
(Whispers) Mars bar.
Mars bar! (laughter) Talk of the devil.
Hello, Kieran.
I'm not the devil.
I'm Hellboy.
Who? Never mind Alright, Scuttler? No, it feels like Groundhog Day.
Why, who else is dressed like this? That dwarf from Clevedon? He should stick to Clevedon.
What'll be? Usual, please.
Plus straw.
I need you help.
With what? I joined some dating websites.
That's proactive.
It's been fourteen and a half hours and I've heard nothing.
Not even from a weirdo.
As my friend, be honest.
Am I ugly? No! Just give it time.
I can't.
My free subscription's almost run out.
Which ones did you join? All of them.
chapsforchaps.
info, morechapsforchaps.
info, hairybearsareus.
com What's a hairy bear? You do not want to know queendream.
org, silverqueendream.
org jaydate Jaydate? Jewish dating website.
It won't take them long to realise you're not Jewish.
(Chuckles) I know Help me.
Hello.
Talk of the devil.
Hello, Chloe.
Don't say nothing.
OK.
Alright, Scuttlers.
Nice top.
Cheers.
Two-for-one, Primarni.
Say nothing about what? He's internet dating.
She can help.
You must be desperate.
Latte, please.
Excuse me.
One-in-five people meet their partner on the web.
Yeah, but you're just desperate.
Correct.
Help me.
Did you join menforken? No.
Worth a look.
Nice one.
What are we doing later? Me and Mum are watching The Inbetweeners.
Result! I don't why you're single.
Pot, kettle.
What about you? Porquoi? Do you want to watch a Spanish film? In Weston? No, Bristol.
Bristol? Bristol? Bristol? Yeah.
Can you speak Spanish? It's subtitled.
Read a film in Bristol? You've changed.
Because I want to see a film? Read a film.
It's called culture.
It's called rubbish.
I can't anyway.
Meeting a guy.
The one with the imaginary friend? Totally.
Even she can get a weirdo.
I've got nothing.
Nothing! Hasn't he got a real girlfriend? What plays in Weston stays in Weston.
You haven't changed.
No I haven't.
Talk of the devil.
Hello, Richard.
Not bad thanks.
Alright? Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
You on your bike? What gave it away? What's that? Air freshener for my car.
You've got your car?! Yep.
Have you? Nearly.
I've got an air freshener.
It smells nice.
Pineapple.
Come on.
We're late for whist.
I'll give you a hand.
How is the hip, Jack? On the mend.
(Goodbyes) Bye, Jack.
What's go on? Kieran's joined some dating sites.
Peppermint tea.
My ginseng's repeating on me.
Right, do you wanna fag? Yes, please.
Enjoy your imaginary threeway.
Oh, I will.
(goodbyes) Can I get one of those cream teas as well? How's it going with the writing? It's not.
It will.
Do you fancy the cinema later? Odeon? No, Bristol.
Bristol! What to see? A new Spanish film.
Can you speak Spanish? No, it's subtitled.
Can't.
Teach guitar on Tuesdays.
I'm walking the dog at 6.
30, if you fancy it.
Maybe.
I put jam on first! It really doesn't matter.
'Course it does! (Licks fingers) I better go.
A resident drank TCP, thinking it was mouthwash.
You don't drink mouthwash.
That's why he's in a care home.
Laters.
(goodbyes) What about pansies? The thinking flower.
From the French "pensee".
And what does that mean? To think.
It is clever.
Laters.
Now where you going? Get some fresh air.
Why not walk the dog with Richard? She needs a boyfriend not fresh air.
She'll sort herself out, Carol.
She's got more chance of walking on water.
Alright, Sarah? Sorry.
Here you go, Frank.
Oh, thank you so much.
Sure.
You know what this is, don't you? What's that, Frank? Well.
It's the fastest cake in the world.
Before you know it, it's scone.
That is a good one, Frank.
Stan.
Yes, Mary.
What do chrysanthemums mean? "You're a true friend.
" What about roses? Everyone knows that! I love you! Oh, Carol, it's all so sudden! (Laughs) You daft bugger! Interesting.
Very interesting.
Penny for your thoughts.
Oh, hey.
Only a penny? Credit crunch.
You don't get that in London.
No.
But you do get Tower Bridge.
Good point.
Hyde Park.
Houses of Parliament.
Buckingham Palace.
Also true.
Big Ben.
St Paul's Cathedral.
London Eye.
There's the Weston Wheel.
True.
And the pier.
Also true.
And donkeys.
Why did I stay away? (Laughs) So why are you still in Weston-super-Mud? I got roped in helping my mum move house.
No! Weston-super-Nightmare! Are you desperate to get back? No, you're alright.
I'll bear your rubbish Weston-super-sayings a bit longer.
I meant, back to London.
I know.
Apparently, Titian loved it here.
Who? Titian.
Bless you.
Idiot.
It wasn't Titian, it was Turner.
Smart arse.
Just stating the facts.
Me, too.
Are you back for good? Oh, no Hopefully not.
I dunno.
Who knows? Maybe.
Hopefully not.
Maybe.
So things are pretty certain? Yeah, pretty much sorted.
Maybe.
No.
I'd better get back.
Gonna brush up on your painters? I'm off to Bristol to see a film.
Which one? It's this new Spanish one.
Enjoy.
I'll see you round.
Sure.
(Old crone's voice) It wasn't Titian it was Turner.
(Big sigh) You done, James? Until next week.
You wanna try that email, James.
(Irish accent) My mam's just worked out how to use a plug-in kettle.
She melted the first one on the hob.
Oh, well.
Nice to see someone caring about their mother.
One letter a week won't kill me.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Isn't Stan clever with his cuttings, Carol? What's that, Mum? I said, Isn't Stan clever with his cutting? Yes, Mum.
Roses for "I love you", chrysanthemums for "My friend".
You alright? Yeah.
Enjoy your fresh air? Yes, thank you.
I was just saying.
Isn't Stan clever with his cuttings? Is he, Nan? All the different meaning.
Yeah, it is clever.
Roses for "I love you", chrysanthemums for "My friend".
I said, Rose for "I love you", It is clever, Nan.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
You know what you could do? What? Have a cream tea.
You'll have to be quick.
Why's that? 'Cause it's the fastest cake in the world.
Before you (sobs) Is it cream first or jam? Shut up.
(# "Beyond the Sea" - Kathryn Williams) (Chloe) Pedal! (Kieran) I am pedalling! Try speed dating.
Are you kidding? I'll go with you.
Nice one.
I'll try anything at this point.
Saucy little devil.
I'm not the devil, I'm Hellboy.
Sorry I'm late.
I put unleaded in the van, instead of diesel.
Not Again? Yeah nightmare! Thanks, Phil! Yeah, I know, mate.
He's such a wazzer.
John, hi! Oh, sorry.
Sure.
Hello? Yes, this is Sarah Porter! Sorry Sarah Porter.
I sent some of my work in recently.
Yes, that's the one! Oh.
Thanks for reading it anyway.
Bye.
You alright, Frank? Yeah, can't complain.
Uh, are there any leftovers? End of the day, Frank.
(Seagull cries) James, how are you? I'm well.
You're looking good.
Thanks.
Sarah! Any luck? No, they didn't like it.
Weren't there meant to be four of you today, Nan? Barbara couldn't make it.
Why not? She died.
Oh.
You back for good, Sarah? Yeah, for a while.
Did that place turn you bogies black? That's London, Mr Dobson black is back.
(Laughs) Good one! (Laughs) I like the hair, Mrs Dobson.
I look like a mouldy coconut.
The heat in the greenhouse ruins my cuticles.
Follicles.
Is that the post? No, it's a toaster.
He gets later and later.
Tea.
Irish James.
In a cup, not a mug.
Jack Dobson! I wasn't looking! What? Nothing.
You've put jam on your scone.
Oh, a bit of jam won't kill him.
It would if it got into his eyes in oncoming traffic.
Think about it.
Never mind the traffic.
It's cream first, jam second.
Says who? Me.
And everyone else from Devon.
You're from Taunton.
Cream cheese comes from Cornwall.
You're thinking of pasties.
Jack, get it off.
Oi, madam.
James' tea.
Done it.
(Clinking cups / conversation) Well, at least someone's getting some writing done.
(Sea breeze / seagull cries) 'I need it signed off by Thursday.
' 'I told you, I'm in Weston-super-Mare.
' Somerset.
Yes, "ooh-aah".
Well, Thursday no later.
Sorry, I didn't know you were here.
How is she? Up and down.
What is she today? Fairly up.
Oh, OK.
Right, I'll leave you to it.
Bye, Pauline.
Alright, Mum? Before you know it, it's scone! (laughter) Sarah, listen to this! What's the fastest cake in the world? What is the fastest cake in the world? Before you know it, it's scone.
(laughter) Them lavender bags were popular at the council meeting.
You mention they're perfect for the knickers drawer? I did.
The mayoress bought four.
(all) Oooh.
What does "lavender" mean, Stanley? Cleanliness.
From the French, "laver".
And what does that mean? To wash.
It is clever.
Stan! Yes, Alice? Cream first or jam? She's off again.
Blob of cream, dollop of jam.
Bob's your uncle! And Fanny's your aunt! It wasn't like that in Padstow.
Because cream teas come from Devon.
No, they don't.
It's called a Devonshire cream tea.
I had a Cornish cream tea.
That's because they nicked it, dirty Corns.
Cornish.
Shut up, Jack.
Ladies, does it matter if it tastes good? Yes, it does! To who? Actually, Carol, to the EU.
Devon took their cream teas to the EU.
Did they like them? Not to eat, Carol.
For protection.
From what? Those dirty Corns.
Cornish.
Shut up.
They never did.
They wanted to stop the sales of "Devonshire cream teas" unless the scones and cream came Devon, or it was prepared in Devon.
Quite right.
Preposterous! Food isn't named after where it's from.
Tell that to Yorkshire puddings.
Or Eccles cakes.
Or Jaffa cakes.
Where's Jaffa? Israel.
It's not a cake.
It is.
Says who? The EU.
(both laugh) They can mind their own business.
I agree.
Yum, yum, a Devonshire cream tea.
Shove that up your EU.
Where are you going? Tea break.
We'd all like a tea break! Don't be long.
A tea break! Watch Discovery channel last night, Mrs Smith? What time? Eight.
(Laughs) Oh, no.
Skating on the Ice was on.
It was about stroke victims.
They showed the atheroma, which is in the neck.
Alright, Scuttler? Alright.
Alright, Mrs Smith? What's happening? An international convention on cream teas.
(gasps) You cream first or jam, Mrs Smith? Just a little cream.
No, jam innit! What's that joke about scones? S'gone.
Yeah, completely.
Alright, Eva.
Hello.
How's it going? Good, thank you.
What time's your break? 20 minutes.
Laters.
Laters! So because of the swollen atheroma when you lie back, blood can't reach the heart.
That's why so many OAPs have a stroke after their hair's washed.
Fascinating, innit? I'm going for a wee.
Eva can finish it off.
"You're through to Newport Literary Agency.
Please leave a message.
" This is Sarah Porter.
I sent in a manuscript a few weeks ago.
Any feedback would be great.
Thanks, love you.
Bye.
Hi.
Great devil costume.
I'm not the devil I'm Hellboy.
Oh, doesn't Hellboy move? Not when he's thinking.
Of course.
Thought you were only staying a few days.
Yeah, change of plan.
Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
Coffee in 34 seconds? Yeah, just picking up the missing air freshener from my car magazine.
Laters.
Laters.
Bye.
Ok.
I'll leave you to it.
Bye.
(Sea breezes) (Seagull cries) Big Issue! That's 3-all.
Come on, girls! Brussels sprouts.
Alice Dobson, thinking outside the box.
That's 4-3 to Alice.
Bon-Bon! Double whammy that's 4-all.
Brazil nuts.
5-4 to Alice! Bakewell tart.
5-all! Jamaica Jamaica ginger cake! No, I bought it at the supermarket.
(All laugh) 6-5! Frankfurter.
Yes, Mary! There's not a place called Frank.
Frankfurt.
Oh, yes.
6-6! Next one wins.
(Whispers) Mars bar.
Mars bar! (laughter) Talk of the devil.
Hello, Kieran.
I'm not the devil.
I'm Hellboy.
Who? Never mind Alright, Scuttler? No, it feels like Groundhog Day.
Why, who else is dressed like this? That dwarf from Clevedon? He should stick to Clevedon.
What'll be? Usual, please.
Plus straw.
I need you help.
With what? I joined some dating websites.
That's proactive.
It's been fourteen and a half hours and I've heard nothing.
Not even from a weirdo.
As my friend, be honest.
Am I ugly? No! Just give it time.
I can't.
My free subscription's almost run out.
Which ones did you join? All of them.
chapsforchaps.
info, morechapsforchaps.
info, hairybearsareus.
com What's a hairy bear? You do not want to know queendream.
org, silverqueendream.
org jaydate Jaydate? Jewish dating website.
It won't take them long to realise you're not Jewish.
(Chuckles) I know Help me.
Hello.
Talk of the devil.
Hello, Chloe.
Don't say nothing.
OK.
Alright, Scuttlers.
Nice top.
Cheers.
Two-for-one, Primarni.
Say nothing about what? He's internet dating.
She can help.
You must be desperate.
Latte, please.
Excuse me.
One-in-five people meet their partner on the web.
Yeah, but you're just desperate.
Correct.
Help me.
Did you join menforken? No.
Worth a look.
Nice one.
What are we doing later? Me and Mum are watching The Inbetweeners.
Result! I don't why you're single.
Pot, kettle.
What about you? Porquoi? Do you want to watch a Spanish film? In Weston? No, Bristol.
Bristol? Bristol? Bristol? Yeah.
Can you speak Spanish? It's subtitled.
Read a film in Bristol? You've changed.
Because I want to see a film? Read a film.
It's called culture.
It's called rubbish.
I can't anyway.
Meeting a guy.
The one with the imaginary friend? Totally.
Even she can get a weirdo.
I've got nothing.
Nothing! Hasn't he got a real girlfriend? What plays in Weston stays in Weston.
You haven't changed.
No I haven't.
Talk of the devil.
Hello, Richard.
Not bad thanks.
Alright? Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
Alright.
You on your bike? What gave it away? What's that? Air freshener for my car.
You've got your car?! Yep.
Have you? Nearly.
I've got an air freshener.
It smells nice.
Pineapple.
Come on.
We're late for whist.
I'll give you a hand.
How is the hip, Jack? On the mend.
(Goodbyes) Bye, Jack.
What's go on? Kieran's joined some dating sites.
Peppermint tea.
My ginseng's repeating on me.
Right, do you wanna fag? Yes, please.
Enjoy your imaginary threeway.
Oh, I will.
(goodbyes) Can I get one of those cream teas as well? How's it going with the writing? It's not.
It will.
Do you fancy the cinema later? Odeon? No, Bristol.
Bristol! What to see? A new Spanish film.
Can you speak Spanish? No, it's subtitled.
Can't.
Teach guitar on Tuesdays.
I'm walking the dog at 6.
30, if you fancy it.
Maybe.
I put jam on first! It really doesn't matter.
'Course it does! (Licks fingers) I better go.
A resident drank TCP, thinking it was mouthwash.
You don't drink mouthwash.
That's why he's in a care home.
Laters.
(goodbyes) What about pansies? The thinking flower.
From the French "pensee".
And what does that mean? To think.
It is clever.
Laters.
Now where you going? Get some fresh air.
Why not walk the dog with Richard? She needs a boyfriend not fresh air.
She'll sort herself out, Carol.
She's got more chance of walking on water.
Alright, Sarah? Sorry.
Here you go, Frank.
Oh, thank you so much.
Sure.
You know what this is, don't you? What's that, Frank? Well.
It's the fastest cake in the world.
Before you know it, it's scone.
That is a good one, Frank.
Stan.
Yes, Mary.
What do chrysanthemums mean? "You're a true friend.
" What about roses? Everyone knows that! I love you! Oh, Carol, it's all so sudden! (Laughs) You daft bugger! Interesting.
Very interesting.
Penny for your thoughts.
Oh, hey.
Only a penny? Credit crunch.
You don't get that in London.
No.
But you do get Tower Bridge.
Good point.
Hyde Park.
Houses of Parliament.
Buckingham Palace.
Also true.
Big Ben.
St Paul's Cathedral.
London Eye.
There's the Weston Wheel.
True.
And the pier.
Also true.
And donkeys.
Why did I stay away? (Laughs) So why are you still in Weston-super-Mud? I got roped in helping my mum move house.
No! Weston-super-Nightmare! Are you desperate to get back? No, you're alright.
I'll bear your rubbish Weston-super-sayings a bit longer.
I meant, back to London.
I know.
Apparently, Titian loved it here.
Who? Titian.
Bless you.
Idiot.
It wasn't Titian, it was Turner.
Smart arse.
Just stating the facts.
Me, too.
Are you back for good? Oh, no Hopefully not.
I dunno.
Who knows? Maybe.
Hopefully not.
Maybe.
So things are pretty certain? Yeah, pretty much sorted.
Maybe.
No.
I'd better get back.
Gonna brush up on your painters? I'm off to Bristol to see a film.
Which one? It's this new Spanish one.
Enjoy.
I'll see you round.
Sure.
(Old crone's voice) It wasn't Titian it was Turner.
(Big sigh) You done, James? Until next week.
You wanna try that email, James.
(Irish accent) My mam's just worked out how to use a plug-in kettle.
She melted the first one on the hob.
Oh, well.
Nice to see someone caring about their mother.
One letter a week won't kill me.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Isn't Stan clever with his cuttings, Carol? What's that, Mum? I said, Isn't Stan clever with his cutting? Yes, Mum.
Roses for "I love you", chrysanthemums for "My friend".
You alright? Yeah.
Enjoy your fresh air? Yes, thank you.
I was just saying.
Isn't Stan clever with his cuttings? Is he, Nan? All the different meaning.
Yeah, it is clever.
Roses for "I love you", chrysanthemums for "My friend".
I said, Rose for "I love you", It is clever, Nan.
What are you gonna do? I don't know.
You know what you could do? What? Have a cream tea.
You'll have to be quick.
Why's that? 'Cause it's the fastest cake in the world.
Before you (sobs) Is it cream first or jam? Shut up.
(# "Beyond the Sea" - Kathryn Williams) (Chloe) Pedal! (Kieran) I am pedalling! Try speed dating.
Are you kidding? I'll go with you.
Nice one.
I'll try anything at this point.
Saucy little devil.
I'm not the devil, I'm Hellboy.