The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s01e02 Episode Script

1 It's from Martin and Vicky.
Oh! Oh.
Typical - Paula.
Agh! Ooh, it's from your mum.
Excuse me.
I've lost my mum.
Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that.
It just creeps up at you at the most peculiar times, doesn't it? Did she have a good innings? She's not dead.
I just can't find her.
Oh, my God! Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you meant - It's ok.
We just got split up along the way.
- Oh, I see.
Sorry.
Is it possible to make an announcement? I don't see why not.
What would you like to say about it? - No, I mean do you have a speaker system? - A speaker system? To make an announcement about my mother.
A speaker system to make an announcement about your mother? That would be a waste of money unless she gets lost here on a regular basis.
Do you have a meeting point? I know some people meet out the front near the bus stops, but they're mainly kids.
No, I mean do you have a meeting point for lost people? Well, if they're lost, they probably won't find it.
She'll be 83 at the weekend.
II don't know what to do.
I wouldn't have a surprise party.
She doesn't want any sudden shocks at that age, does she? - Does she like muffins? - What? - There are shops selling muffins and cookies.
- Is there one on this floor? Oh, I'm not sure.
You can usually smell them, can't you? What, the muffins? No, old people.
Will Judy Wallis please go to the third-floor café where your mother is waiting for you? Somebody must be lost.
- You wanted to see me, sister? - Yes, Bernie.
Sit down.
I bought you a toffee-flavoured choco-lite, sister, on the off-chance.
Not for me, thank you, Bernie.
Should I give it to mark? Only I can't manage two - unless this'll take a long time, in which case I'll get a snickers as well.
- No.
Put the drinks on the desk and sit down.
- One of these has got three sugars in it.
- Do you know why you're here? - Is it about last night? Yes, it is about last night.
Your birthday stunt may have gone unnoticed had the xerox machine not jammed.
You can imagine dr barker's surprise when, trying to photocopy his memos this morning, he was presented with 4o black-and-white a3 enlargements of your bottom.
I can explain that, actually, how that came about.
Not only that, it now seems the copier has gone into shock and can only print a3 enlargements of your bottom.
Sister o'brien is copying out the rotas by hand as we speak.
Right.
I can explain that, sister, how that came about, like.
- Please, be my guest.
- Right What, now? There was no harm done.
You know what us girls are like.
I bet you're a bit of a dark horse yourselt when you get going! I didn't mean to upset anyone.
Look at it from my position.
What do I tell dr barker when he asks why several dozen copies of your backside are circulating on various male wards? - It was just for the crack.
- Is that supposed to be funny, Bernie? No, sister.
Oh, my God! The crack! Oh, no, that's still too hot.
- A mr blackwood's complained about you.
- He's complained about me? Something you said while giving him a blanket bath.
Something about a boat.
''Sweet mother of Jesus! It's like trying to raise the Titanic!'' I'm sorry, sister.
I really feel you've let us all down this time, Bernie, not just yourselt.
I've no choice but to give you a written warning.
# raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens # bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens brown paper packages tied up with string these are a few of my favourite things - Bernie! - # when the dog bites - # when the bee stings # - what are you doing? - I was just trying to lighten the situation.
- Take these.
Make sure you read them.
Sign them both.
Keep one, and hand the other one in at the main office.
Now, if you'd like to get back to your work Sorry.
Oh, God! This one's yours.
Get out! Agh! Julie, it's Margaret.
Did you want me? - Is that you, darling? - Hello, nan.
- Here he is! - You all right? - Yeah, lovely.
You come up and see me? - Yeah.
- You come up and see me, ain't ya? - Yeah.
I noticed that.
Oh, you are a good boy.
You are a darling child.
Here, nan.
You seen Jean lately? - Who? - Jean.
- Jean? - Yeah.
Have you seen her? - Jean who? - Jean.
Jean! - Who's Jean? - How many jeans do you know? I don't know no jeans.
Jean from over the road.
Jean Baker.
- You went to school with her mother.
- Oh, yes.
Is she called Jean? - You know she is.
- What about her? - Have you seen her? - No.
What's happened to her? - Nothing.
I'm asking if you've seen her.
- I ain't seen her.
- You've not seen Jean? - No.
- You've not seen Jean from over the road? - No.
- Are you sure? - Course I'm sure.
What's the matter with ya? I ain't seen no one.
I ain't seen a living soul.
- I ain't been outside me door.
- So you've definitely not seen Jean? What are ya, a fucking dunce or something? I haven't seen no fucking Jean, ok? God forgive me for swearing.
You made me do that.
All right.
You're obsessed with the woman, ain't ya? WellNo, it's just that I saw her today and usually she's very friendly, but today she ignored me.
You sure you haven't seen her? - Who? - Jean! - Oh, yes.
I've seen her.
- I knew you had.
What did you say to her? Ain't she got fat! - Nan.
- Oh, ain't she fat, that woman! - Nan! - Have you seen her lately? Oh, she is a size.
Great big walloping article.
Oh! Have you seen it? She looks like an elephant walking along the street.
Great big fat arse hanging off her.
What a liberty! I shouldn't have to look at that.
She's got a fat back an' all, ain't she? She's got a fat back, the woman.
Great, big, fat, dirty, hairy, sweating back.
Terrible, innit? That is very unfeminine on a woman.
Ah-ah-ah.
Don't you say things like that about people.
Oh, no.
Not up my house, dear.
No, no.
She has got an eating disorder.
Has she? Course she has.
She can't fucking stop.
- Nan, what did you say to her? - I never said nothing to her.
- You didn't say anything? - No.
- Nothing you might have forgotten? - No, not me, dear.
- Nothing to upset her? - No, no.
- Are you sure? - It's like a mental illness with you, innit? How many more times? On my first holy communion, by all the saints in heaven, as God is my judge, I never said nothing to her.
Except what you said.
What? I just told her what you said, that's all.
What are you talking about? You know, what you said about her husband.
That's all I said.
- I didn't say anything about her husband.
- Yes, you did.
You said her husband looks like a murderer.
That's all I said.
What? No, I didn't.
Don't you lie to me, son.
May I never move.
You sat there and you said, ''her husband looks like Charles manson.
'' I said her husband looks like Charles Bronson.
Oh.
I thought you said manson.
Only I seen a programme about him.
That's what made me think of it, see? You've seen what he's done, ain't ya? Terrible, that is! That is dreadful.
- Oh, my God! - What? That's what I'm trying to tell ya.
Stop talking about people.
Mind your own business.
Keep that out of it and keep that shut.
I mean, the poor man can't help what he looks like, can he? I mean, all right, he's got a moustache.
It don't mean he's gonna fucking kill no one! - I can't believe you, nan.
- Oh, she was terribly upset when I told her that.
Well, it's not a nice thing to hear, is it? It was unexpected an' all.
That's what shocked her.
And to top it all, I don't think she sees the resemblance herselt.
I brought this top back but the shop's closed down.
Oh, bad luck.
What? I hate that.
That sort of thing happens to me.
What do I do with it? It's the wrong size.
You could wear it over your shoulders with the sleeves knotted.
It's no good to me.
I don't want it.
Oh, that's very kind.
Erm ooh, I don't think that would suit me.
I want to return it to the shop.
Do you know where they went? - Who's that? - The people that ran the shop.
Well, if the shop's closed down, they've probably justGone home.
- You won't believe what happened today.
- What? - When I tell you, you'll leave me.
- I'll pack my bags, shall I? - Yeah, you'll be right to.
- Let's hear it.
This is a classic.
- What are you gonna say? - This morning I told you my plans for the day.
- That's right.
- I said I'd go out early.
- I took your bermudas back to marks's.
- What's happened? When I came back, I put the key in the door and saw something on the floor.
- Our floor? - Yeah.
A note or something.
Well, it couldn't have been the post 'cause that came before I left.
- No, it was a letter thing.
- Not a love letter? Shut up! Love letter! - Who was it? George clooney, I suppose? - He wanted me to run away with him again! - Done it before, have you? - What? - Eh? - Shut up! Have I? - Your face! - I've gone all red now, ain't I? - You look like a beetroot, you do.
- He won't want me now! - Not looking like that! - He'll send me home.
- Back to muggins here! - You poor sod.
It weren't really him.
- It was from the post office.
- What did they want? It was one of them ''we called today'' things, ''but you weren't here''.
- No! - Yeah, that's what I thought.
- We weren't expecting nothing, were we? - I don't think so.
- Yeah, we were.
- Were we? - Have a think.
- I dunno.
- You'll die when I tell you.
- I can't think! What have I been waiting for? What's the one thing I've been waiting to be delivered? Not your catalogue? Me catalogue! You ain't gone out the day they've delivered your catalogue? - Went out early, didn't I? - Oh, you make me die! I should be locked up! - What did you do? - I've had to ring 'em up, ain't I? - What must they think? - They must think I'm a lunatic! - What did you say? - I was so embarrassed.
I said, ''I'm sorry I weren't in when you came to deliver me catalogue.
''I've been waiting for it for ages, only I went out early and it completely slipped me mind.
- ''You must think I'm mental!'' - What did they say? - It was only a recorded voice, weren't it?! - It weren't! Yeah.
I'm chatting away, then it said, ''press two to speak to an operator''! What you talking to recorded voices for, babe? I dunno! When I've realised, I've gone off, ain't I? I was laughing so much! I wish I'd been there! Oh, my God! When I got through to someone, I said, ''don't laugh, but I've been talking to that recording, thinking someone was there.
''You came to deliver something and I'd gone out.
'' She said, ''we'll come back tomorrow.
'' I've got off the phone, I've had to sit down, I was so worn out.
How are you not famous? I genuinely do not know.
- Oh, this is nice.
- It is nice.
It's very nice.
Thank you.
We think it's nice.
Nice? It's certainly nice.
It's very, very nice.
I've just been out in the garden and I tell you something, they've made it very nice.
Thank you.
It was overgrown when we bought it, but Terry's very good with plants.
Terry your husband? Maa Well, fancy making an offer? - Well, we haven't - It's on for - What's it on for? - 25o,ooo.
- Is it really? - Yes.
- You valued it for us.
- Did I really? Yes.
It's very competitively priced for the market.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
She'll take 24o for it, because you're going to have to spend a couple of thousand on it just to get rid of the smell of .
.
Sex! Could we, erLook round? Oh, it's pretty standard.
Three bedrooms.
Well, two, and one cupboard you could stick a kid in.
Have you got any children? - No.
- Really? I'm sorry.
Me and my big mouth! No, it's all right.
We can have children, it's just we decided against it.
Right.
- Why don't I show you the kitchen? - Ok.
Thank you.
Oh, I love those units! - The chrome works so well in here.
I love it.
- Thank you.
Jesus Christ! What the hell have you done in here? - Terry put them in.
- Terry your husband? Before he left.
Aw! ''Silent witness''! I think they're great.
I love a bit of chrome in the kitchen.
That would explain the no children policy, then! I'm sorry? You know what they say about a man who likes chrome in his kitchen.
No, what do they say? Likes a bit of cock up his arse.
You have a bad attitude and a filthy mind.
I thank you.
Do you dream about it? - Do you dream about it? - Now look No kids, drives a big black cherokee jeep, likes chrome, not to mention the cheap aftershave and the cropped hair.
You big old bender! You are a disgrace to your profession.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm an estate agent! - All right? What you doing all dressed up for? - I'm going to that party, ain't I? You ain't got no business wearing that.
What party? - Darren's party, innit? It's gonna be mash up.
- I don't know about no party.
You thick or something? He told us about it last week.
Party tonight.
Saturday, innit? - All right? - All right.
- You ready, lise? - Yeah.
Listen.
- She didn't know there was a party at all.
- I know.
- What? - She ain't invited.
- What? - Am I bothered? Don't worry about it.
Just come along.
They won't mind.
- He will mind.
He don't like you.
- Am I bothered, though? - What will you do? - Nothing.
Do I look like I'm bothered? Do I look like I'm bothered? - Is my face bothered? - Why don't you just? I ain't even bothered.
Ask me if I'm bothered.
- Ask me if I'm bothered.
- That's are you bothered? - No.
Who told you I was bothered? - She don't care.
- She does, though.
- She don't give, mate.
We got to chip, mate.
- I want her to come! - She can't pitch up in that.
- Are you calling me a pikey? - What? Are you disrespecting me? Are you disrespecting my family? Are you calling my mum poor? - Are you calling my dad a wino? - Calm down.
My dad's not even a wino.
He ain't even a wino, though.
That was well out of order.
I ain't going now.
You're disrespecting people.
- Innit, though? - I don't need it, mate.
- But - She don't need it.
She don't need it, mate.
She ain't going, though.
You're on your Jack, mate.
- I'll go without you, then.
- She ain't bothered.
I think your dad's come to pick you up, innit? Elaine figgis is 34 and lives in York.
She works part-time in a local bakery.
She has been corresponding via the Internet with people from all over the world.
She refers to them as her global family.
Her latest pen pal, however, has proved to be something special.
Although they have never met, Elaine is about to travel alone to America, where they intend to marry.
How long will you be away? Just over a week, but even that's caused a few disruptions.
I've asked my friend Jackie to cover my line dancing classes.
She's not qualified to teach, but, ermShe and her husband Rex were regional champions '98, '99, plus she's got boots with lights in the heel which will give her some status within the group.
Jeremiah Wainwright III.
That's his full title.
But the title the media have given him is? The cleaver.
That's right.
Unfortunately, a few small-minded people have called him that.
Jeremiah can't come to england, can he? He'll never be able to visit you in your bakery because he's in Texas on death row.
- If you want to call it death row.
- What would you call it? No.
Yes, it's death row.
- So tell me about Jeremiah.
- What can I say? He is a beautiful, beautiful person.
People call him a cold-blooded serial killer.
I know, Tanya, and believe me, there is hope for those people.
You say you've fallen in love with this man, but how do you condone mass murder? Life is a journey, and sometimes we make a wrong turning - I know I have in the past.
Does that make me a bad person? He abducted, tortured and murdered eight people.
You don't know him like I know him.
Nobody does.
He also ate two of them.
Have you never done anything you regret? I've never eaten anyone.
So far.
Look, I do realise this isn't the typical way that two people meet and fall in love, but y'know, sometimes things happen in life that nobody can explain.
I mean some people really can't believe it's not butter! Elaine, let's be honest.
The man's a criminal.
He's more than that, he's a cannibal.
He's a dangerous lunatic.
A serial killer who's been put on trial, found guilty, and is now incarcerated in a dirty, lonely prison cell, waiting to be put to death.
You're making it all sound a bit negative, Tanya.
There's always too many ready to judge.
When people hear about Jerry's chosen path, they can't wait to jump on the bandwagon.
''Oh, you're marrying a cannibal.
Oh, he ate two people!'' no, he didn't.
He ate a bit of one of them when he was a student, which is a time when most of us are experimenting with something new.
I know for a fact my cousin once tried hashish.
And you honestly think he's capable of love? Not before.
That's because up until he had met me, nobody had ever shown him love.
I taught Jerry how to love himselt.
As Danny kaye once said, ''you can't love the world until you've settled for yourselt.
'' or as my dad used to say, ''the man who can give himselt a hug every day ''truly has the arms of a gibbon.
'' butYeah.
Today I am Elaine figgis.
Tomorrow I shall be mrs Jeremiah Wainwright III.
It's been a long wait.
It hasn't always been easy, but it's definitely been worth it.
True love will conquer all.
The question people will be thinking is ''will you have any conjugal rights during your visit?'' no.
Penitentiary regulations don't allow for that sort of thing, but in a way, it doesn't really matter.
Obviously, our relationship has never been based on anything physical.
You could say it's been a meeting of minds more than anything else, plus for 24 hours a day, he has to wear a muzzle, soNo.
I'm looking for a broken window service.
Someone reliable.
You won't find anyone reliable who goes around breaking windows.
- I need someone to replace some windows.
- Oh, I don't know of anyone.
My cousin once got rid of an old sofa for me but he lives in Leeds.
No, I need a professional.
Like a hit man? - A professional window replacement service.
- Oh, I am sorry! - You mean like a glazier? - Yeah.
Exactly.
There's a company that does same-day installations and repairs called heart of glass.
They're in this shopping Centre? They're in this shopping Centre are they? - Sorry.
I thought you just said they were.
- I don't think so.
They're based near my cousin in Leeds.
I don't know of a glass company in the shopping Centre.
- Is there anything else I could help you with? - Yes, I also need a blind specialist.
Somebody who fits and supplies blinds? No, we don't have one.
Did you get my piccalilli? You didn't bother, did you? Nah.
I asked you to get a little jar.
That's all I wanted.
I don't want a bucketload of it, do I? Just a little bit to have with me boiled bacon 'cause it goes on lovely.
It's tangy, but, no, you didn't bother, did you? Too much trouble, was it? I didn't think it was too much to ask, but no, too much trouble, innit, eh? Too much trouble for you, innit, eh? Too much trouble for you! - I'll get it now.
- What? I don't want it now! Don't you bring it up here now.
Don't you bring it in this house.
You do, I'll tip it in the fucking bin! I'd choke on it! No, no.
It's too late now.
No.
Too fucking last-minute.
Com now! No, no.
Go on.
Piss off out of it, you! What do you keep hanging round me for? All right.
I'll be off, then.
Are you going, then, darling? - I'll see you tomorrow, though? - Ta-ta.
Ta-ta, sweetheart.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah.
That's it - leave me on me own! Agh! I once met a man with a sense of adventure he was dressed to thrill wherever he went he said, ''let's make love on a Mountain top ''under the stars on a big, hard rock'' I said, ''in these shoes? ''I don't think soi'' 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422