The Chris Rock Show (1997) s01e02 Episode Script

Announcer: From New York City, it's "The Chris Rock Show.
" Tonight, actress Jenifer Lewis.
And musical guest D'Angelo, Raphael Saadiq, Ali Shaheed Muhammad and?uestlove.
Plus music director, Grandmaster Flash.
( DJ scratches record ) Ladies and gentleman, Chris Rock! ( cheers and applause ) ( DJ scratches record ) Rock: What's up? What's up? What's up? Hey! All right! Yeah! Yeah, what's up, y'all? Welcome! Welcome to "The Chris Rock Show.
" Welcome to "The Chris Rock Show.
" Special! This is Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day.
Everybody celebrating Valentine's Day.
It's a day for everybody, right? Valentine's Day's not.
Valentine's Day is a woman day.
Don't have nothing to do with a man.
( cheers and applause ) I don't want no flowers, I don't want no candy.
That's all about y'all.
You go into the card shop today? You see no women on line.
It's a bunch of tired-ass men.
You know? Go into a card shop, go into any store, it's a bunch of men.
We don't even know what y'all want.
We ask the saleslady, "What you like?" That's all it is.
What's the big news this week? Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson had a baby.
Michael Jackson had a baby.
A baby boy! Yes, I'm not making this up.
Michael Jackson had a baby boy.
And actually the baby came out a little early, 'cause the baby's just like his daddy.
Last place he wants to be was inside a woman.
( cheers and applause ) This week, O.
J.
-- anybody see the cover of "The New York Post"? O.
J.
, he's gotta pay all this money now.
So O.
J.
said, "This is far from over!" "This is far from over!" What is he saying? What, he's gonna kill Fred Goldman next? ( audience laughing ) "i'm gonna get you, Goldman! You're a dead man!" Last week, my man Oliver McCall broke down and started crying during a boxing match.
Just broke down.
Just started crying.
He was fighting Lennox Lewis-- he started crying, and said, "What's wrong?" He said, "l thought it was Jerry Lewis.
" Speaking now of Fay Resnick, Fay Resnick-- you know, speaking of O.
J.
earlier-- is getting ready, actually, right now, on the stands, Fay Resnick is nude in "Playboy" magazine.
Nude in "Playboy" magazine! Now, I always say, "lf you want credibility, and you want people to listen to what you got to say, show your ass.
" Show your ass.
What happened the other day? Snoop Dogg and Puffy appeared on "The Steve Harvey Show" to mend the rift between the east coast and the west coast rappers.
That was kind of cool.
That was cool.
( audience applauds ) You know, they did it.
They mended the rift.
Now they just need somebody to mend the rift between TV viewers and "The Steve Harvey Show.
" Now, I don't want to diss Steve Harvey.
I like Steve Harvey.
I watch "The Apollo" every week.
But if you're gonna announce something important, why would you announce it on "The WB"? Nobody watches the "WB.
" You could announce the cure for AlDS on "The WB," and nobody would find out for a week.
Now as you all know, today is Valentine's Day.
It's a day when people think about love and romance.
That's why they got all these books out about relationships.
And right now, one of the best selling books about relationships is "The Rules.
" Everybody knows about "The Rules.
" That's right, you're all following your rules, right? "How to Get a Man to Marry Her.
" How do women get a man to marry her? With tips like "Don't accept the Saturday night date after Wednesday.
" I'm gonna call you on Friday morning.
That's right.
So now, of course, You knew they would come out with a male version of "The Rules.
" They have a male version, and it's right here.
It's called "lke Turner's Rules.
" And "lke Turner's Rules" has great rules like, "Rule number one: Shut up.
" "Rule number two: I said shut up!" "Rule number three: No more than two feet in the ass at one time.
" And rule number four: "l told you, shut the fuck up!" ( cheers and applause ) ( audience member whistles ) So I wanna thank everybody for coming out.
I want you to thank my DJ, my pal, the original hip hop DJ himself, Grandmaster Flash! ( scratches record ) ( hip hop music plays ) Now I remember when I went to school, the best way to learn something was by watching one of those old film strips.
Now, with this in mind, I thought it would be cool to make up one of those film strips about an adult topic, something we all could relate to today-- romance.
So, lights, please.
Someone, help me out.
( film strip rolling ) ( beeps ) ( beeps ) Rock: Hello, I'm Chris Rock.
Finding the right someone is different than it used to be.
But one thing remains the same.
It still takes a man like this to get a woman like this.
Or like this.
God! Hey, what y'all doing after the show? Can I get anybody a drink? But I digress.
The first date is very important.
The best advice is to be yourself.
Unless your name is Michael lrving.
Ladies, always give your date your full and undivided attention.
Make that man feel special.
Hey, what you doin' girl? Get your hands off his ass! Having shared interests is crucial to a budding romance.
These two cooky kids appear to have a long future ahead of them.
Meeting a new person's parents is a very important test.
This young man appears to have passed with flying colors.
Hey, you're breaking my knee! Get off of me, you old freak! Guess what? I never read any of these books.
When it comes to remaining faithful, people fall into two categories men who cheat, and men who get caught cheating.
Don't rush into a relationship.
It's important to know everything about someone before you get too involved.
Sometimes relationships just don't work out.
If you're involved in a breakup, don't be depressed.
The best thing you can do is get right back up on the horse.
Give the new relationship time.
Don't expect it to be like the love you've lost.
And if it doesn't work out, don't be discouraged.
There's still plenty of fish in the sea.
( cheers and applause ) I want to thank Lil' Kim for doing that.
Now, our first guest has appeared on stage, screen and film, and you may know her from her amazing performances in "The Preacher's Wife" and "What's Love Got To Do With lt.
" Please welcome the diva, Miss Jenifer Lewis.
Come on! ( cheers and applause ) Hey, little bit.
How you doin'? Look at that suit, you're so cute.
Ain't he cute? Audience: Yeah! Thank you, Jenifer.
Thank you, baby.
Oh my God.
So anything-- how you gonna spend this Valentine's Day, Jenifer? Mmm.
Well, I got a little chocolate in here.
Wow.
I got some special things for you.
( audience cheering ) Let's just ask the audience.
Should I put them on, or should I put them on him? Audience: Him! - Stand up! - No, that's all right.
You're not going to do it? No, 'cause I gotta do a whole show.
When I do get arrested later, the police are gonna have to take those off and put the real ones on me.
Now that's funny.
Now, wait a minute.
Hold on a second.
This is turning me on.
Hold on.
Oh, it's Valentine's Day! I thought I'd be provocative.
I just wanted to do that.
( cheers and applause ) Where's the camera? Which camera's on? That camera.
Okay, wait a minute.
Hold it.
Fabulous pose.
All right, enough of that.
You know I ain't never been in no handcuffs.
- Really? - Can't no man hold me down.
- Valentine's Day! - That's right, baby.
Oh, yeah, I got all this Valentine's Day.
Everybody say that.
Valentine's Day.
Audience: Valentine's Day.
Oh, I like the way she did it.
She went, "Va-aalentine.
" So what are you doing this Valentine's Day? Well, I'm doing your show, baby.
I know.
What's after the show? - You want the truth.
- I want the truth.
What's really going on? Do you got a man? Well, just flying back to L.
A.
to meet somebody that I just met.
- Anybody I know? - Mmm, nasty.
It's nobody you know, but I gotta tell you, I met him at the premiere of Eddie Murphy's "Metro" and he was so gorgeous.
I was like, "Oh my God, he's got to be gay.
He's too gorgeous.
" But he wasn't.
You just said I was cute.
What does that mean? I'm cute, but not gay cute.
Because I know your wife and I know you.
And now I know him.
Really, I didn't know.
We were talking, and I was like, "Oh, he's just a fan or whatever.
" And then he gave me the nasty eye.
- Wh-wh-what? What's? - You know the nasty eye.
The nasty eye is when a guy looks at you and he really wants you.
You know he wants you.
Or he wants to talk further.
Okay.
I try to hide the nasty eye.
I got the nasty eye, then I got that mumble under my breath.
I'm looking at you, I'm like, "Boy, I can't wait to get a hold of this woman.
" Boy, boy! Talking to yourself, "Boy, look at the ass on that one.
" "Boy, I hope she's a whore.
" Hey! You like your soup? Oh, God.
Oh, God.
We do the same thing.
Women do the same thing.
We be like, "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Hi, how are you?" Same thing.
Okay, you met him at "Metro," so this is a couple months.
Yeah, it's fresh and new, And I haven't slept with him yet, but I'm gonna.
Not yet? No, because you gotta wait.
You gotta really get to know somebody now.
I'm all special, and soft and rich.
No, just kidding.
There's another line.
And cheap.
So how long should a guy wait? A guy or a girl? How long should a girl wait? You should just wait until you know the person, because after all that sweating and panting and all that thing that you do when we do.
Then what? It's like you roll over and go, "Oh, what in God's name can I say to this person?" So you don't want that, you want to be able to like turn over and go, "Hi.
" That's when women have their most power, too.
Before you do it.
Right before.
Like that moment right before you do it.
Afterward, then it's like, "Hey.
" "Hey.
" No, even-- in that moment, it's like.
You know that like, "i'm gonna get it tomorrow.
" Right then you can get them to do anything.
After you do it, "l need you to go pick up something.
" "Then what? Am I gonna get some?" "You got something new?" You know women.
We're powerful all the time.
But you guys are real powerful, too.
I have to give it up, you know.
Right after, you all are like, "Anyway.
" What? Old Grandmaster said, "Hey!" Well, excuse me, Grandmaster.
Right after doing it with you, yeah.
Oh, now, now, come on now.
That will put an average guy out, I would imagine.
I'm a virgin like Madonna.
You remember she came out, ( imitates Madonna ) I was like, "Miss Thing, please!" So what do you prefer, black or white men? Let's put it like this.
White men are nice.
Black men are real nice.
( audience cheering ) Whoo! Mercy, mercy, mercy.
- Oh, yeah! - Real nice! I was going out with this white boy, and I don't know, something must have happened in his childhood.
And he got all confused, and he thought the world owed him something.
I said, "Maybe the world owes you something, but I don't.
" So I couldn't take him.
I couldn't take him back to my hometown and look at my aunts and go, "Look, I'm supporting a man.
" You supported a white man? That's what I'm saying! That's what I'm saying! That's what she would have said! "A white man?!" That's the ultimate insult to the ancestors.
If you're gonna get a white man, don't get a broke one.
That's what I'm saying! That's what I'm saying.
You are funny.
All the white men out there.
You give Bill Gates something to get on with your business.
No, but I'm through.
The one I just met's black, and that's nice.
That's nice.
I want to thank you for coming out.
Is that all? Do I get some sugar? You can get whatever you want.
It's Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
Thank you, baby.
Where's your wife? All right, girl.
I ain't gonna go no further, girl.
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( cheers and applause ) Thank you! Okay, traditionally on Valentine's Day we do something special and something nice for that someone in our lives.
But this year, I thought I'd do something a little different.
I thought I'd show my appreciation by doing something special for all the someones who've been in my life.
So I got some gifts, went out and surprised some of my ex-girlfriends.
Let's see what happened.
- Rock: Hi, Kim.
- Oh my God! Oh my God! What are you doing here? I'm apologizing for being such an asshole.
Candy for you.
Thank you.
Flowers.
And pig's feet.
Thanks a lot, Chris.
Hello! ( woman screams ) Oh, shit! Chris! Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
- How you doin', Hope? - How you doing? I'm all right.
I got some stuff for you.
I got flowers.
I got candy.
I got more candy.
I got pig feet.
Pig feet? Why you doin' this? - Hi, Steph.
- Oh, shit! Hi, Chris, how are you? Chris is different from the guys that I usually am attracted to.
He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
He's a nice guy.
He lied to me.
I felt totally betrayed.
I felt like he deceived me.
So I found this used condom in the front seat of the car, and I picked it up, and I'm like, "What is this?" Of course, knowing it is what it was.
And he said, "Oh, it was my brother's.
" Some reason, I don't attract nice guys.
You had a boyfriend who was shot seven times, and you still wouldn't go out with me.
I'd rather almost die than give you a shot.
Man: Where's my heart? Where's my valentine? Where's your heart? Where's your valentine? Man: What's the best gift you ever got? A diamond bracelet.
What's the worst gift you ever got? Underwear.
Was it sexy underwear? - That was the problem? - Yes.
What kind of underwear was it? Okay, you know like grandma with the big moomoos? What's the worst gift you got? I think he bought me some underwear.
What was the worst gift you've ever gotten? Um, I think underwear.
- Were you faithful to Chris? - Yes, I was.
But you had a baby while we were dating.
I'm just saying, you know.
She was pregnant and she wouldn't even say anything.
It was weird.
It was like this thing we pretended it wasn't there.
And the stomach was just bigger.
It was just weird.
Always had love for you.
People would go, "Hey, congratulations.
" I'm like, "Yeah.
" Do you know that Justice said to me, "Mommy, why did you marry Daddy? My father could have been Chris Rock!" I told Chris what you said to me the other day.
What? About why'd I marry daddy.
Hey, how's it going, Darryl? Oh my God.
Christopher, what's up? Oh, man, this is so great that you invited me into the family.
( cheers and applause ) So, fellas, do you see? It doesn't take much to make a woman feel good.
Just the old standby, flowers and candy.
Right, girls? ( audience cheering and applauding ) Here to do a special Valentine's Day performance is D'Angelo, Raphael Saadiq, Ali Shaheed Muhammad, and?uestlove.
Come on! ( playing R&B ) ( taps ) One, two, three.
( cheers and applause ) Rock: Thank you, man.
All right, now.
Hey, I would like to thank all the guests.
Jenifer Lewis and my special musical guests.
Yo, we're going to be seeing a lot more of them.
They're gonna be performing together, so watch out.
Yo Flash, take us out of here, all right? ( DJ scratches record ) ( theme music playing )