The Cleveland Show s01e02 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Morning, everybody.
Last night, I had the strangest, most wonderful dream that I had a beautiful new wife.
And that Cleveland Jr.
Had a beautiful sister and a really cool rascal of a little brother.
Oh, dreams really do come true.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, Daddy, you are so hilarious.
I had a dream there wasn't a couple of freeloading chumps in my kitchen.
Slide, sister.
I'm out.
Shoot, man.
She won't mind them folks.
Damn fat fool coming and telling me about some stupid dream, man.
I spy with my little eye something yellow.
- Hmm, my shirt.
- You're good at this game, Daddy.
Stop the car right now.
I don't wanna be seen with you.
Oh, okay.
Cleveland, don't smack her.
Okay, I'll stop the car.
You go, girl.
To class.
Ha, ha.
Don't you wanna get out of the car too, Cleveland Jr? No.
If I walk that far I'm gonna get sweat spots under my breasts.
[BELL RINGS.]
- All right, now.
You have a good day.
- Okay.
Bye, Dad.
Why don't you make out with your dad again? - Yeah.
Get a room.
- Yeah.
Why don't you choke on your dad's corn dog? Whoa, Derek, that was an unnecessary escalation.
- Yeah.
But you said - Oh, I know what I said.
That was still way too much.
We need another girl, so I'm gonna arbitrarily pick someone.
The new fat kid will be a girl and will be on the girls' team.
And, uh, also, I'll call you Beth.
Okay, dodge ball.
Beth, you're out.
[LAUGHING.]
So how was your first day of school, Cleveland Jr? Terrible.
Worse than an ABC comedy.
Oh, I don't ever watch that mess.
Listen, when I was in high school, I discovered that I was good at baseball.
You have to find what you're good at.
- I'm good at making sandwiches.
- Well, this is not a criticism but maybe you could toast the bread once in a while.
The point is, right now, you don't know what it is that's gonna make you fit in at school.
But you just be on the lookout because it will find you.
Thanks, Daddy.
I'm a little less scared of school now.
But I'm still afraid of toasters.
- That's my toast.
- I'm sorry.
You heard me.
[TO ASTER CHEWING LOUDLY.]
Now.
Now you can put your fingers inside me.
- So, Rallo, how was your day? - I pooped my pants at recess.
We all have accidents.
- Oh, it wasn't no accident.
- All right.
- So, Roberta, how was your day? - This ain't The View.
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
She'll be okay, baby.
She's just upset because the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance is coming up.
Robert promised to take her last year, but he never showed.
Oh, well, why don't I take her? I'm her stepdaddy.
It will be fun.
Don't worry.
I won't try anything.
Oh, I don't know.
Why don't you wait and see if Roberta brings it up to you? Isn't that what you told Cleveland Jr? Wait for the opportunity to present itself? Honestly, I have no idea what I told that boy.
I just try to get him through the days.
I pray to the Lord he finds his way.
Roberta, congratulations on getting a date to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance.
I don't have a date.
[SING-SONG Y.]
You do now [R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES.]
You have brought a cancer to our family.
[PERCUSSIVE RHYTHM PLAYING ON SPEAKER.]
Hey, car.
Tell Roberta who the best dance partner you ever had was.
Cleveland.
Ow, bitch! Cut the damn camera off.
[SINGING.]
Oh, yeah We're gonna have a party, babe All night long - All night, all night - All night - All night - All night, all night long - All night - All night - Rallo? Really? - It's got a nice island feel.
I'm not going to that dance.
So you can stop with all the musical numbers.
- Daddy, I'm ready.
- No.
We're cutting that number.
GIRL: Hi.
Heh.
You're new here, right? - Yeah.
- I'm Mandy.
- What's your name? - Cleveland Jr.
But most people around here call me Beth.
Well, you better not cross me, fat Beth, or I'm gonna beat you like a mule.
- How will I know when I'm crossing you? - Because I'll do this: [GRUNTING AND SHOUTING.]
[GRO ANING.]
Damn.
When are they gonna get doors on these stalls? Don't worry.
I won't peek.
Hey, Fridge.
Step over here and block the view.
The other way.
Hey, you're perfect for this.
- I'm Lane.
- That's a beautiful name.
I'm Cleveland Brown Jr.
Hey, Kyle.
If you need to rip a grumpy, this guy makes a great door.
That's cool.
I'm just here to take a leak.
How was school, Cleveland Jr? Crappy.
And I mean that in a good way.
Hmm.
You are one curious young individual.
Hey, Roberta.
I know you're on the fence about going to the dance but I thought maybe this would help you decide.
Oh, my God.
Are these real? Hell, no.
Just come to the dance.
Haven't even gotten your mama a diamond yet.
How is that job-hunt coming? Why don't you shut the hell up? These earrings were a very nice gesture, Cleveland.
- Okay.
I'll go to the dance with you.
- Hooray! We gotta celebrate.
Who wants a Baskin-Robbins ice-cream cake? [ALL CHEER.]
Oh, Donna, I haven't been this excited since I won that Oscar.
Oh, my God.
[SOBBING.]
I'm sorry.
This moment is so much bigger than me.
This moment is for every nameless, faceless woman of color that has now got a chance because this door tonight has been opened.
I'm so honored.
And thank the Academy for choosing me to be the vessel from which this blessing might flow.
Okay, wait a minute.
I gotta take this.
Seventy-four years here.
Hey, new stepdaddy, you are doing a great job.
Now go get that cake.
[THUD.]
[THUD.]
What the? I'm so sorry, Meadowlark Lemon.
Wouldn't stop barking, huh? No, Lester.
It was an accident.
Oh, we gotta keep this a secret or the kids will hate me forever.
Since there's no sign of sexual abuse, I'll go ahead and get rid of him for you.
Since there's no sign of sexual Kendra, hope you're in the mood for Chinese food.
You read my stomach.
CLEVELAND: Be cool, Cleveland.
Act as if nothing has happened and the others will follow suit.
[RALLO SCREAMS.]
Meadowlark Lemon never came back last night.
I woke up and he's not in his bed.
We gotta look for him.
What I think we need to do is hope against hope that he'll come back.
But let's remember that dogs are wild animals and have only been domesticated since, like, 7000 B.
C.
Or something.
[BARKING.]
Sit.
- What did he say? - I think he wants us to sit.
- Should we? - I don't know.
You know what? Let's do it.
And then I bet I can trick him into scooping up my poop.
Oh, that would be classic.
[LAUGHING.]
Better help him find the dog.
I'll go shopping with Roberta.
Okay.
Here, take my credit card.
I might have to get myself a new suit as well at the Men's Wearhouse.
I'm gonna like the way I look.
I guarantee it.
Meadowlark Lemon.
- Meadowlark Lemon.
- Meadowlark Lemon.
I don't think he's here.
If we don't find him, I'm gonna start using drugs, probably.
Hmm, probably.
You know, Rallo, as hard as this is for me to say we might need to start thinking about the possibility that Meadowlark Lemon has gone to a better place.
Or he could be at the Sludgepond.
He loves that place.
Let's look there.
- Sludgepond? I don't think - You know something? I'm not gonna lie to you.
When Mama told me she was marrying you, I said, "Really? This fat guy? This is how little you think of yourself?" But the Cleveland Brown I've seen in the past few hours it's making me think looks aren't everything.
You're all right, old Brown.
Because you're helping this man at a time in his life when he When he Ugh, okay.
We'll look at the Sludgepond.
Go ahead and blow your nose on my shirt if you need to.
[BLOWS NOSE.]
[CLEVELAND GRO ANING.]
Nothing.
Well, not nothing but no dog.
Well, not no dog, but no Meadowlark Lemon.
Well, then it's off to the slurry chute behind the Chicken Gizzard cannery.
Son of a bitch.
He's not here either.
Ugh.
This place smells like Chloë Sevigny.
- Who's that? - Just some gross, indie, porno actress.
- Where next? - The Greek restaurant/gym.
[BOTH RETCHING.]
So then Miss Donna said yes, and now we live next door to a bear.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Wow, great story.
Hey, be my buddy and grab me a couple of paper towels.
Be your buddy? Sure.
Thanks.
Hey, I heard you got beat up by that girl yesterday.
- Yeah.
- You want me to kick her ass? - No.
- Want me to ask her out date her, get her to fall in love with me then dump her and break her heart? - Sure.
Just don't get her pregnant.
How could I? I had a vasectomy.
Well, not a vasectomy so much as testicular cancer.
Well, that's nature's vasectomy.
Thanks.
I never thought of it that way.
Give me some.
You're all right.
So all day I was searching for a dog that I know is dead.
I don't know what to tell these kids.
If it'd help, tell them it was delicious.
- What? - Tasted a lot like kitten.
You ate the dog? I ate a dog once.
I think her name was Betsy.
I met her tailgating.
Arena football.
Season tickets.
She had bacne.
Woke up, she was peeing in the corner of my room.
Was she Chinese or Asian? Partly.
She might've been Hawaiian.
Excuse me.
Hello.
We're talking about Lester eating my family's dog.
Wait.
Who are you to judge, Cleveland? At least Lester didn't murder the dog and then lie to his family about it.
It wasn't a murder.
Well, you're covering it up like it's murder.
Tell me, Cleveland, are you going to build your family foundation on a rock or on the quicksand? - Rock.
- Freaking A, rock.
Well, then Jesus would say you have to confess everything.
Be brutally honest.
Don't leave out any details.
You may not know, but Jesus was a carpenter.
Back then, it was a better job.
And good carpentry is all about details.
But I just broke through with these kids.
If you don't come clean, you'll regret it.
You know, like Lewis regretted bringing Clark on that expedition.
We pull up our canoe and there are like 400 Indians with arrows aimed at us.
I'm starting to freak.
- Actually, it was probably closer to 300.
- Okay.
Thanks, Clark.
So I say, "We come in peace.
" Well, um, no offense, but it was actually Sacajawea who said that for what it's worth.
- Right.
- Luckily we brought plenty of beaver furs - Pelts.
Do you wanna tell the fucking story, Clark? Look at your date for tomorrow night, Cleveland.
- Isn't she beautiful? - Thank you for the dress, Cleveland.
I'm glad you're all here.
Please sit down.
I'm not sure how to tell you all this, so I'm just gonna say it.
The other night, Meadowlark Lemon was killed.
- What? - Oh, my God.
What happened? Well, as I was backing out of the driveway to get the Baskin-Robbins ice-cream cake which we all later enjoyed very much I accidentally drove over his head with both my left rear tire and then my left front tire.
Curious, I stepped out of my vehicle and saw his mangled, lifeless body on the driveway in a smeared pool of his own blood.
Ugh, and now the hard part.
I had no idea that in the hours that followed Lester and his family would eat Meadowlark Lemon.
That's right.
They ate your dog.
Okay.
So, Rallo, go throw the dog food out.
We have no use for it now.
That will make room for a new recycling bin in the kitchen.
Hooray! Hooray for the Browns and Tubbses.
- You're nothing but a low-down dog killer.
- I knew I couldn't trust you.
Why didn't you just tell us the truth before? I don't know.
I just took the easy way out, like Kurt Cobain.
Make love to me, Kurt.
[COURTNEY FARTING.]
Um, I'm gonna go grab something out of the garage.
Be right back, though.
I hope this doesn't mean you're not going to the Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm going to the dance.
- Oh, good.
But not with you.
You'd probably run me over and feed me to a bunch of rednecks.
I just called my real dad.
I'm going with him.
- Oh, Cleveland.
- I know.
Let's go upstairs and pay tribute to Meadowlark Lemon by making love in the style coined by his species.
Plus, that way, we can both watch Kimmel.
Kids, Donna, come out here.
I got a surprise for you.
Cleveland, what have you done? I'd like to introduce you all to our new dog.
Kareem Abdul-Jabark.
Ha-ha-ha.
Get it? Jabark? You can't just replace my dog like Brad Pitt replaced Jennifer Aniston.
Or John Mayer replaced Jennifer Aniston.
Or Vince Vaughn replaced Jennifer Aniston.
Or that munch from Counting Crows replaced The point is, my dog is not Jennifer Aniston.
Well, I guess it's just you and me, Kareem Abdul-Jabark.
Now go fetch the rebound.
[GROWLING.]
[CLEVELAND GASPS.]
[GASPS.]
Run! Run! [CAR HORN HONKING.]
My friends are here.
I'm leaving.
Friends? I thought Robert was picking you up.
He had a last-minute appointment.
He'll meet me there.
He's not showing up, is he? Whenever he has a last-minute appointment it means he's going to get a new bag of weed.
It's usually pretty good weed.
Oh, I don't know what to do.
This is harder than trying to identify a rapist at a Star Trek convention.
- Could you describe the assailant? - Yes.
He was a white male, glasses, bad skin, about 50 pounds overweight smelled like Cheetos, and was carrying a poster with a Sharpie Pen.
I know what to do.
Who here is not a virgin? You're under arrest.
[GAME BUZZING AND CLEVELAND GRO ANING.]
I'm no good at anything.
Look at you.
Pitiful.
You're nothing, Cleveland Brown.
You're a loser.
And your mustache is stupid.
You know, Rallo, you're really cruising for some discipline.
All right, that's it.
Here we go.
I'm gonna enjoy this.
All right, enough.
Look, Rallo, I made a mistake.
I feel terrible for running over your dog.
You should.
I'd bring him back if I could, but I can't.
What's done is done and we are moving on.
You got that? I'm in charge of this family now, and you are gonna respect me.
Well, look who finally showed up.
A man.
About time you took charge.
You're lucky too.
I'm gonna put these away for now.
- So we good? - Yeah, we good.
Now, as for my sister, I think we both know what you gotta do.
You bet we do.
Uh She went to Daddy-Daughter Dinner Dance by herself? - Yup.
What the hell? Here you are, Mr.
Williams.
Oh, ho.
Thank you, young man.
Looking sharp there, Mr.
Williams, sir.
Oh, hi, Dad.
What are you doing here? What am l? What are you doing here? Working.
Remember you told me to find something I'm good at? Well, I did.
I'm good at mouth breathing.
Which makes it bearable for me to stand here all day and make money and friends.
All thanks to your advice.
Drakkar Noir? You listen to me and you listen good.
Just spray a little in the air and I'll do a pass.
[HUMMING.]
You're not working in a damn crapper.
You look like a racist cliché in a Ron Howard movie.
You get home.
And tomorrow I'm gonna teach you how to throw a baseball.
Okay, Dad.
And when you get home, boil your clothes.
But it will burn.
Take them off first.
Excuse me.
Where are the girls whose fathers didn't show up to the dance? [MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
You? - What do you want? - I just want a chance.
There's gonna be a time when you mess up and you'll want me to forgive you.
And I will.
Because that's what families do.
And you can be angry and you can hate me but you can't stop me from being there for you.
Or here for you.
Roberta, will you marry me? Oh, I'm so nervous.
Being a stepdad is all new to me.
DJ: And now by special request.
[LIONEL RICHIE'S "ALL NIGHT LONG" PLAYING ON STEREO.]
Roberta Coretta Tubbs, may I have this dance? - I don't know how to dance to this song.
- Don't think about it.
[SINGING.]
Well, my friends, the time is come Raise the roof and have some fun Throw away the work to be done [ROBERTA AND CLEVELAND LAUGHING.]
Let the music play on Now lift your stomach up a little bit.
Holy crap, you're a dude.