The Cockfields (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1 THEY LAUGH What time do you reckon it is now then? About 6.
30? I've got a question for you.
Do you think it's too early to put the washing on? Yes! Did you hear Ray go for a piss in the night? No, I'm gutted I missed that, though.
It went on for ages.
I thought there was a horse in there with him.
Apart from that, how's it going? I'm having a nice time.
Oh, yeah? I am! Stop worrying.
There they are! Hiding! Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Did you sleep well, Donna? Um, yeah, thanks.
You? No, never do.
Oh.
My mind is always incredibly busy in the middle of the night.
Sorry to hear that.
No, no, no, not at all.
I absolutely love it.
Are you wearing lip gloss? No, it's Canesten.
I've a very strict cosmetic regime first thing in the morning because I have a high level of skin yeast.
Oh.
Yeah, if I didn't use it, my face would be as red as a fire engine.
Ding-ding! Right.
Well, best crack on.
Yeah.
There's a breakfast cookie in the kitchen as big as a baby's face, and it's got my name on it.
Is he ever in a bad mood? Never.
Oh, dear.
Do you want to try and get a bit of extra kip? Definitely.
Sis, your cardi's here, love.
Can you feel it? Alan Titchmarsh has moved to the island, Donna.
Oh, has he? Yeah, we saw him in Morrisons down one of the aisles, didn't we, Ray? Yeah, yeah, we asked him which slug pellets he recommended.
Lots of famous people have lived on the island at one time or other, Donna.
Charles Dickens.
Mahatma Gandhi.
Phill Jupitus.
Oh! Shaw Taylor from Police 5.
I don't know him.
We ran in to him in Totland, once.
Oooh, he had aged.
Yeah, I don't know who that is.
Keep 'em peeled.
Sorry, I don't know what that is, Ray.
Just nod along, otherwise this will go on all afternoon.
Have you ever lived near anyone famous, Donna? Um, no, no, not really.
I suppose Anne Hegerty from The Chase lived in the next village.
What? What? Why didn't you mentioned this before? Um We love The Chase.
Oh, I didn't know.
We record them all and then watch them in the evening, don't we, Sue? Yeah, I can't believe you know Anne Hegerty.
We've got some episodes to catch up on.
We can watch them tonight! Well, that's our evening sorted.
Yeah, I'm definitely going to bed early.
Hiya! Hello! Hi, Garth.
SUE: Hi, Garthy.
Lunch is on its way, Rose.
Shepherd's pie and a pud-pud.
Thanks, Garth.
Garthy, this is Donna, Simon's girlfriend.
They're over for the weekend, and Donna's never been to the island before.
Ooh, get out while you still can! We're all a bunch of odd-bods! Just to let you know, she was a little bit weepy yesterday.
But she had some tomato soup and Jane sang Whitney Houston for her and she seemed to brighten up a bit.
Oh, that's good, well, I must thank Jane.
Cor, gimme 20 minutes, I'd know how to thank her.
More like 20 seconds, Donna.
You should be so lucky, Ray, Jane was nearly a member of Brotherhood of Man.
Really? Yeah.
I didn't know that.
In the auditions, she got down to the last 150.
Now, can I get anyone a drinkie poo? No, we're all fine, thank you.
I'll leave you all to it then.
- See you in a tick-tock.
- See you, Garth.
Garth's got terrible halitosis, but he's a fantastic ballroom dancer.
I can't get my head round that he's married with six kids.
Why do you think he's gay, Ray? Oh, let's think.
He's a male nurse and he says "tick-tock" and "pud-pud" every half hour.
- Come on, behave, Sue.
- Can I give Simon his present, Sue? Of course you can.
Oh, yes, please, here we go.
Blimey! Bloody hell! Now, obviously, I bought it for her but she did give me the money.
- Do you want to sit here Ray? - No, no, you're all right, Sue.
What an extraordinary nose! What is it, Mum? It's for the garden.
We thought it would be a bit of fun, didn't we, Rose? Look at his little face, it's what you wanted, isn't it? What am I meant to do with it? We thought you could put it in the back garden.
- What, buried? - Oh, shut up.
If it was left to you, he wouldn't have a present.
- That would have been preferable.
- Do you like it, Donna? Yes, Auntie Rose, it's really nice.
Do you like it, Simon? Oh, he absolutely loves it.
Have you kept the receipt? Well, you're only 40 once.
Thanks, Auntie Rose.
- Dad, do you want to sit here? - David, I'm perfectly fine, thank you! Trolley Dolly's here! Your lunch is here, Rose, so we'll get out of your hair.
Lovely to see you, Auntie Rose.
Happy birthday for tomorrow.
- Lovely to meet - Bye-bye.
We'll see you soon, love.
Bye-bye, Garthy.
Thank you.
Bye, Sue, David.
Ciao Raymondo! Is he winding me up? Bye, Edith.
Bye, Carol.
Bye, Betty.
- Bye, Freda.
- Piss off! Oh, dear.
Sorry about that, Donna.
- It's Jane! - Freda's my favourite.
Hello, Jane! Hi, Sue! Hi, Ray.
Hello, Jane.
Jane, thank you so much for singing to my sister.
You did cheer her up.
Oh, that's what I'm here for! How's it going with you, love? I've just been booked to do a little rock and roll gig in a pottery museum next week.
- How lovely! - And wait for this I've started life modelling as well.
Really? What, nude? Yes! I don't know how you do that, Jane, I mean, I know you're gorgeous, but don't you get embarrassed? No, you know me, I'm quite the exhibitionist.
I love being naked.
Any excuse.
Around the house, although I am lodging at the minute so I have to keep a lid on it.
Right, I think we'd best go, Sue.
- Bye, Jane.
- See you! We should go and see Alan Titchmarsh's house on the way home, shouldn't we? Ray? Ray! Really? Well, we're going that way, anyway.
- Fine.
- Are you up for that, David? Oh, yes, I greet that plan with open arms! Mum, me and Donna were going to pop into Ventnor.
Oh, no, no, no, you do whatever you want.
Change of plan, we'll go to Ventnor instead.
No, it's all right, you go, we'll get the bus.
Don't be silly, we don't have to go to Alan Titchmarsh's, we can drop you in Ventnor and sit and wait in the car for you.
No, don't do that, go and have a look at Alan Titchmarsh's house - and we'll go to Ventnor! - No, it's all right, we'll take you and then we'll wait in the car for you.
You can't sit in the car! I just said, we'll get the bus! We don't mind waiting in the car, do we? Ray?! No, have a wander round Ventnor, we don't mind, and then we'll wait for you in the car.
Honestly, don't worry about us, we'll get the bus, Sue.
Yeah, don't change your plans for us.
No, no, no, you can do whatever you want.
It's your weekend.
You don't even have to have your birthday lunch with us tomorrow, if you don't want to.
How have we jumped to that? The whole point of us coming over was for my 40th! - Jesus! - Tell him, Ray! Listen to your mother.
Go and have a wander in Ventnor and we'll sit in the car and wait for you.
Right, forget it, we're not going to Ventnor! I can't be bothered.
It's too much like hard work.
Don't be like that, Simon.
No, let's all just get in the car and go to bloody Alan Titchmarsh's house! Hey! Don't slam the boot, Simon.
Already done it, Ray.
This is it, Dad.
Are you sure? Yeah, this is the one.
I wonder what his garden looks like.
I imagine it's very well looked after.
Monty Don's wife is called Sarah Don.
What's that got to do with anything? Right, we've seen it now.
Can we go? - David, do you want to just film it for Lyn? - I'd love to.
Oh, for f! Why are you filming it for Lyn? - Because she likes Alan Titchmarsh.
- Does she like his gate? Who's Lyn? This is insane.
The gates are opening.
- Right, well, we definitely have to go then.
- I'd quite like to see him.
Bloody hell, and you have a go at him for stalking Claire Balding! - Come on, we're here now, we might as well.
- Don't you join in.
Oh, this is horrible.
Can we all not just stare at the gate, please? Bloody hell, who's this? Mrs Titchmarsh.
Can I help you? - We're lost.
- Right, well this is a private road, so can you please turn round and leave? We're fed up with all this! So what are you two do by Christmas than? I've no idea, it's six months away.
You all right, Ray? Do you need a lie down? I should worry about yourself, you cheeky git.
I tell you what, the Isle of Wight's a stunning place, isn't it, Donna? - We wouldn't live anywhere else, would we? - No.
- Will you be careful with that stick, please? - Sorry, Dad.
It annoys me, Donna, when people say the Isle of Wight's got nothing going for it.
Oh, yeah.
Look at the scenery.
Sandy beaches, lovely walks, beautiful weather.
Come on, love.
We've got a garlic farm, the world's oldest amusement park, three maximum-security prisons.
You should work for the tourist board, David.
I see what you're doing, Donna! Very nice, very nice indeed! You swing that stick near me again and I'll ram it up your arse! Oh, Simon, you won't know this, but David's joined a dating app.
Have you? You can't imagine your younger stepbrother as a Casanova, eh? Well, I might surprise you.
Go on, then, Peter Stringfellow, how you getting on? Well, I got a message to say that a girl had liked my profile picture.
You didn't tell me that! That's so exciting! I got in contact with her and told her all about myself, then, a couple of days later, she sent me a message.
Get in there, boy! What did she say? Well, she thanked me for my message, but told me that she'd made a mistake and accidentally liked the wrong profile.
- Well, it's her loss, son.
- Exactly! - And it's all good practice! - Yeah.
They're back, Ray.
- Are they? - Who's back? We've got new neighbours.
Young couple with a little boy, Donna.
- We're not seeing eye-to-eye.
- Why not? - Cos they want to grow their hedge.
- And? Ray cut it down.
It was spoiling our view of the cows.
You cut their hedge down? He started complaining about his lack of privacy because now we can see into his garden.
So Ray said "We're not looking at you, we're looking at the cows.
" I mean, why would we want to look at them? So they went on holiday this week.
Ray chopped their hedge down again.
Bloody hell! You can't do that! More and more of them are coming over here from the mainland and taking over.
But you're basically from up North.
- And he works in Portsmouth.
- So? Well, when he gets back in the evening he starts mowing the lawn.
Can I have a lolly, Daddy? Daddy? Can I have a lolly Daddy? Can I have a lolly, Daddy, please? I can't believe Ray cut down their hedge.
That's genuinely amazing.
They're probably a perfectly reasonable family who have moved to the island for a quiet life and now they have to deal with him.
He's got a lot of time on his hands.
Do a word search.
Don't destroy other people's gardens! Nothing on, as usual.
Apart from what we were watching.
Do you want to watch an episode of The Chase? Sue, let me do the tea tonight.
No, no.
I won't have it.
Come on, I've got those nice bits from the farm shop.
Well, it's very kind of you, Donna, but Ray likes his tea in a certain way.
Please.
I'd like to, it'll give you break.
Andre's at the window.
When did he get here? Don't make eye contact, he'll want to join us for tea.
I got Ray an organic sausage roll from the farm shop, because I know how much he loves his sausage rolls.
Well The thing is, Donna, Ray's very particular.
He doesn't really like trying new food.
Sue, please go and sit down and relax.
Is he still there? Yes.
He's finished filling the watering can, so now he's literally just staring at us.
He's gone.
Well, that wasn't stressful, was it? Bloody hell fire.
What are you doing in here? Donna's making supper.
Why aren't you doing it? Because she kindly offered.
Right.
What's she making? She's making some sandwiches with those little nice bits she got from the farm shop.
What nice bits? That nice bread and cheese.
I hope she's not using the Spanish stuff, Sue.
That cheese she gave us, it ponged the whole house out.
Her mum got you that, it's from the town she grew up in!? And? I'm from Oldham, but I'm not forcing you to eat Eccles cakes, am I? Sue? - Where do you keep your chopping board? - Let me get it for you.
- No, it's all right, just tell me.
- No, no, I'll get it.
We got this from John Lewis.
When we went to the mainland to buy Ray's cycling helmet.
Are those olives in that bread, Donna? Yeah.
Ray won't eat it, then, he doesn't like olives.
He says they're tasteless.
Okay.
Would you like to use our bread? If you want.
- That's very fancy cheese.
- Yeah.
It's delicious.
The man in the shop said it's produced in the New Forest and they only use local free-range cattle.
Oh, well, Ray won't eat that then.
Okay.
And I wouldn't bother putting any salad in Ray's.
He doesn't eat salad.
Or tomatoes.
Or cucumber.
And definitely not cress.
Sue, do you want one of these sandwiches? Well, do you know, I think I might have the same as Ray.
Okay, do you want to make your own, and I'll do ours? Only if it's easier, Donna.
I don't want to get in your way.
It's been a lovely day, hasn't it, Donna? A Saturday sarnie sensation! Stop showing off, David.
Yep, yep, there's a time and place.
- Donna made yours.
- Wunderbar, Frau Cockfield.
Stop trying to sound German, David.
Sorry, everyone, I got carried away.
I made our sandwiches and Donna bought you this sausage roll - because she knows you like them.
- Right.
It cost £4.
50.
£4.
50? It's not for me.
- You didn't enjoy your sausage roll, then? - No, thank you.
That's a shame.
I thought you'd enjoy it.
Oh, God, no.
I didn't like the sausage roll, Simon.
I'm sorry about that, but I'm honest and I speak my mind.
Honestly, they're really nice, you should try it.
I like those ready-to-eat mini sausage rolls, I thought Sue would've told you about that.
- But, these don't have processed meat in them.
- I like processed meat! Just try it for Donna.
I've tried it, Sue, and I do not like it! Look at Peanuts enjoying it! Who's that? It's Ian from next door.
What does he want? It'll be about the hedge.
Can you answer it, I'm watching this? Don't worry, I'll pause it for you.
Fine, if no-one else can be bothered.
Hello, Ian.
Sorry, I can't open the door, because Peanuts will get out.
Sorry, we've just got back from our holiday and my hedge has been cut down again.
Oh, right.
Do you know anything about that? No.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Well, you can understand why I might assume that it would be you? No, it's not us.
You're lying to me, aren't you? No.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.
If this happens again I'm going to be taking it further, okay? Okay.
And can you stop correcting my son over the fence, please.
Okay.
Bye.
Would anybody like a Mini Magnum? - Thank you love.
- Where's Ray gone? He's gone off on his electric bike for a breath of fresh air.
Right.
- Garden looks great, Mum.
- It does now.
It didn't when you used to play football on it.
It was like a mud patch.
I'm not going to think about it now but there's so much to do for tomorrow, your lunch.
Mum, try not to get too stressed, it's meant to be a fun day.
I can't believe you're going to be 40.
Don't, I know.
We're thinking of moving.
What? Well, we'll stay on the Island, obviously, but probably closer to the town.
Why? Ray thinks it'd be better if we were nearer the shops.
What about the garden? All the hard work you've put into it? You love it here! I know, but it's such hard work these days, you know, at our age.
And Ray doesn't see the sense in us staying.
Right, but what do you think? I think he's probably right.
You lied to me.
What? When you were a little boy, you promised me you'd stay four years old forever.
I sat you on that kitchen worktop, and you looked me in the eyes, and you promised me.
Sorry, Mum.
- All right? - All right, love? Yeah, you? - All right, Simon? - Yeah, good.
How was your cycle ride? Oh, it was great.
I went to Totland Bay and took some photographs.
Fancy going and watching another episode of The Chase? - Yeah, why not? - Nice helmet.
Shut up.