The Comeback (2005) s01e02 Episode Script

The Comeback - Episode 2 - "Valerie Triumphs at the Upfronts" Are we rolling? Right now, what's happening is loose.
"Messy sexy.
" That look.
It looks great.
Thank you so much.
You got it, you got it.
Mickey, darling.
This one seems a little high.
- Let's wait and see.
- Okay.
Hey, anybody wanna see something fun? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I found the cast photos of the whole four years, Of my first show, "I'm it!" - Oh my god.
- Yeah! - These are great.
- Isn't that great? I thought you guys would get a kick out of it.
You know, 'cause today is our first photo shoot for "Room and bored.
" Yo yo yo, check it! "Room and bored," first photo shoot.
Can i get a holla back, y'all? - Hey! - What!? That's so fun, but I'm sorry, Jane.
- Really playing the camera.
Is that all right? - No no, yeah, it's fine.
- We'll edit.
- All right, great.
Okay.
But, Chris, you probably don't wanna play the camera, 'Cause it's supposed to be, you know, real life.
It's really happening, you know? All right, in five, four, three, two-- Anyway, 's just fun, i think, to, uh Look at the pictures.
And they really show you how a show can change over the years, you know? '89, '90, '91, '92.
- Oh, right.
- How are they different? Well, look at my hair.
Did someone order some hot sexy clothes? - Valerie? - Yeah.
I think you should go with the pastel, but it's your call.
Yeah, I agree.
Thanks.
Thanks for the choices, darling.
I appreciate it.
All right, mickey.
I'm thinking this is way off now.
- Let's get it out.
- Let's get it out.
Great, sexy.
Come on, more sexy.
Sexy.
Great.
Valerie, uh, could you not do that with your mouth? Do what with my mouth? What? You're making a kind of pouty lips.
Model mouth.
- Model mouth? - It's not me, it's the writers.
How can you even see my mouth from all the way back there? You must have superpowers, i don't know.
Have you seen my mark by the way, way back there? Okay, let's go.
Valerie, could you go back to your mark? In siberia? Okay, I'm going back.
- I'm going back.
- All right, ready? Here we go.
Okay.
- You were in that shot.
- All right.
Ready.
All right, hold on.
This-- All right, this is silly.
I'm right here.
Let's just, you know What can I do you for? Oh no, I was just-- We just want to make sure that you're being like disapproving of the kids.
- It's like - Oh, great, yeah.
- Good note.
That's good.
- Take a break, guys.
Don't go far.
Oh, great, as long as we're taking a break, I wanted to talk you about, um-- So what are we planning on doing at the upfronts? Uh, nothing.
You just go out on the stage with the cast and wave.
Uh-Huh.
Yeah, well, you know, The network's flying us all the way out to new york.
You might wanna do something a little more exiting than just wave.
They're introducing a lot of shows.
We really need to stand out.
You know what'd be great? If you guys could write us some kind of bit to do.
A bit? A bit and a skit? That'd be great.
That's it, yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I just think those things kinda come off as cheesy.
I know, I know.
If they're done wrong.
Yeah, they can.
But I know what you're saying.
We don't want cheesy.
No.
But, I'm just-- I'm just concerned Because I think the network is gonna want me to say something.
You know, because this is my return.
"I'm it!" was on the same network, So they're gonna want me to, you know - Oh, it was? - "I'm it!"? Oh, sure, yeah.
- Oh, wow, I didn't know that.
- Oh yeah, sure.
That is great.
That's fun, that's fun.
All right, I'd better get back.
Think about it though, you know? Hold for aunt sassy there.
- Come on, aunt Sassy.
- Here I am.
Done.
I need to reload, And then can we get back to the original setup, valerie? Sure, yeah, okay.
Mickey? How were those last two shots? Were they usable? I wasn't watching.
Marky-Mark, here's my itinerary for new york.
- Oh, great.
- And the painter is coming tomorrow, So we have got to pick a color for that wall.
- All right.
- All right, can we do that now, please? Y es.
Which one do you think? I don't know.
What do you think? You're better at this.
Well, I like all three.
Val.
This is riveting television, huh? Literally we're watching paint dry.
- Well, not paint dry-- - Daddy, I'm here.
- In the den! - Is that Franchesca? Yeah.
- Hi! - Hi, baby.
Wow, there's an outfit! Huh? - This is mark's daughter.
- I'll take you to school in a second.
Good, so you have time.
Why don't you go into the kitchen And esperanza can fix you some breakfast, okay? - What do you wanna eat? - Oh, just coffee.
Just coffee? Jane, that's my woody allen.
So that's a nice surprise, huh? Oh yeah, mimi had to go out of town.
She's opening some new tanning salon.
So I-- - Yeah.
- Um, Mimi is my ex-Wife.
She runs these midnight sun 24-Hour tanning salons.
Cute.
So, you know, it's just the two of you here - Oh, yeah.
- for a couple of days, 'cause I can't cancel.
It's the upfronts and I'm the only face they'll recognize.
It's only two days, we'll be fine.
Okay, have you thought about what you're gonna do about meals and-- We'll go to restaurants and she can bring a friend.
Oh, that's good.
Make sure she brings an eater.
You get two non-Eaters, they just push the food around.
- Teenage girls.
- Oh, I don't know who's who.
- I do.
I'll leave you a list.
- Okay, great.
Okay, you know while I'm at it, I think I'll make you some dinner reservations too.
Oh, thanks.
Well, I'd better get her to school.
- Have you eaten in santa monica? - Oh no, that's too far.
That's true.
Now you just have a great trip.
Thank you.
What color? I gotta go! - I'm gonna leave that on your "to do" list.
- All right.
That wall is never gonna-- Mark! Wish me luck! - What? - Wish me luck! Luck! Thank you.
He has to wish me luck.
Better get to work.
Can I help the next person please? - Hi.
- Hi, how are you? - Good, thank you.
- Is this a reality show? Yes, it is.
Uh-Huh.
I'm not really interested in being on it.
Let me see if I can get someone who would be.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Ellen? Do you wanna be on a reality show? Sure, you don't want to? No, I just think they're over.
- I can help you.
- Thank you.
- Where are we flying to today? - New york.
Mickey, you have your I.
D.
? Right here, in my "manny pack.
" - This is like old times, Red.
- I know.
We haven't been to the upfronts since-- - '92.
- 13 years! I have miss Cherish, nothing for Mr.
Deane.
You don't have a seat for-- All right, cut.
Jane, um, why don't we have a seat for mickey? Oh, that's not us, it's the sitcom.
Well, I can't-- I can't go without mickey.
I have to have mickey.
All right, I need to get him a seat on this plane to new york.
This is so "the amazing race.
" Will that be first class as well? Um I have two seats in coach.
Nothing in business.
Wow.
Just first class, no business, huh? Yeah.
Let's do it! Let's have a treat.
There you go.
Someone will reimburse me.
Don't worry about it.
One of shows, I'm sure.
Right, jane? - They put us in coach.
- Uh-Huh.
Yeah, well, you know We'll figure it out.
Well, here we are in first class.
And I'm lucky enough to be sitting right across the aisle from our first-class show writers, Tom and Paulie G.
Oh, well, we're lucky to be with a first-Class star like you.
Oh, well Why don't you just blow reality tv and get it over with? - Fuck you, I have a kid.
- Mmm-Hmm What did they say? I couldn't hear.
Ma'am, I'm sorry, these people can't be in the aisle.
Oh, no, that's all right.
We're filming a reality show, So it's okay.
I'm sorry, faa rules prohibit that activity.
Really? Faa doesn't like reality either? No, that's all right.
I'll figure out something.
Yeah, see, there's nothing to figure out.
Only first-Class ticketed passengers are allowed in first.
Well Turn the camera off.
Why don't-- Maybe the guys-- - There's so many empty seats.
Juna, hey, do you have time to do a little interview? - Yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- Just lean in like this, or-- - Yeah, that's great.
Just get in tight on her.
So are you excited about the upfronts? Yes, I have never done it before.
And I'm really excited to finally be going to new york.
- What's going on back there? - You've never been to new york? - No, I haven't.
- Looks like they're interviewing Juna.
I thought this was about you? L.
A.
Was a big deal.
Whoa whoa whoa, I like that, I like that Work that back, work that back.
Oh god, that song is just so done though.
I know.
I know.
And it's stuck in my head.
I hate that, you know? Let me get a sip of that "cris.
" - This is champagne, dear.
- Yeah, cris, cristal.
Champagne.
- Damn! - Calm down.
Miss, you're gonna have to go back to your seat.
No, that's all right, I'm in first class so I can go anywhere.
It's the other classes, they can't come to me.
- No, we're heading into some turbulence.
- Okay, thank you.
- Shouldn't you go back? - No no, it's fine.
They're very security conscience these days.
If I just stay low, I'm fine.
Yeah, so what do you wanna do? Let's talk about what we're gonna do at that upfront stage.
Well, Paulie G.
said we should just go out and look hot.
Well, you've never been there before.
I went to the upfronts when i did "tick-Tock tree trunk cafe" for disney.
Oh, cool! Did you? Well, this is a little different just 'cause it's prime time.
You know, for grownups.
Whoa! Anyway, I just thought if we came up with something fun to do I'm all right.
I think I bit my tongue.
It hurts.
- I should probably head back.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - Whoa! Sorry, you know what, I think I better go down.
Jane, maybe no more? Oh! I'm very sorry.
All right.
Oh, sorry.
I'm very sorry, I am.
Oh, no no, that needs to be-- Personal video camera should be up higher.
Better angle.
- Is that okay that I told him that, jane? - Yeah, I think you're right.
Yeah, you know, little difference for him, big difference for me.
- So, yeah - Great bathroom! Isn't it? - Hi, sweetie.
- Oh, baby girl.
- Is this a bad time? I can come back later.
- No, we're just tweaking.
We were wondering if you wanted to come to dinner with us.
Oh, i'd love it.
That'd be great.
Oh my god, how great is that gift basket from the network? - I know, yeah.
- I'm totally gonna use that spa certificate.
Yeah, oh, I didn't see a spa certificate.
There's a-- Really? I think it's from bliss spa or something like that.
Oh, yeah? I don't think it's here.
Mickey, maybe it fell out under the ottoman.
Will you check? - Sure, sweetie.
- A full day visit and a body scrub and a hot stone kind of thing.
I don't know that we'll have time to even do-- Mickey, anything? - Not yet, red.
- Uh-Huh? Well, it's probably here or the concierge has it - Or-- Mickey? - Hey! Oh! - Chris, you little fucker! Okay, val, we'll just meet you in the lobby in like a half hour or something.
Okay, that's great.
Mickey? None, nada.
My knees are shot.
It's a good thing I never became a priest.
Let's just hope this didn't happen to Shayne or Chris or - Jesse.
- Jamey.
No, you're wrong, it's jesse.
Yeah, you know? They're young, delicate egos, you know, They need extra-- You have to be extra careful.
One time it's a gift certificate, Next thing you know someone doesn't get a porsche.
I'd better get ready.
Got a half hour.
Gonna do this alone, okay? Without the-- You were just gonna stay? Yeah.
No no, mark.
Olivia is not an eater.
No.
She wasn't on the list, dear.
No, Franchesca cannot bring her to dinner tomorrow night.
- Hello hello hello! - That's who she wants to invite.
Val, will you tell them? Isn't Nobu better than Matsuhisa? - I think Matsuhisa is only in L.
A.
Anyway.
- Val? - I'm sorry, I got it.
- Val?! What, mark? I'm sorry.
Well that's who she wants.
Anyway, it's too late.
I called her parents.
All right.
You know what you should do? You should call cassandra, all right? Because she's an eater.
Maybe that will balance things out, you know? An eater and a non-Eater? I don't know.
If you think that's best, but it seems a little-- I really-- I don't know.
We're trying to figure dinner out and i still don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow on that stage.
Where are you going to dinner? We're figuring it out.
That's what we're doing.
Okay, have fun.
Don't worry about tomorrow.
- It'll be great.
- All right.
Okay.
Yeah, you too.
All right.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Okay, Where'd they go? I lost them.
No.
Not here.
Not that way.
Well, they're gone.
Are they gone? Did anyone see them leave? Know where they went, any of you? All right, Jane, I know technically You're all are not supposed to participate in my life, But I'm hungry, and they're gone.
So I don't-- I don't know where they went.
You know what we can do? Okay Why don't we just rewind the tape? 'Cause maybe sound picked it up and we can hear where they went.
- Maybe we could overhear it.
- We can't do that.
Because we can't.
I'm sorry.
Okay, that's all right.
I get it.
If you rewind, you might lose something.
We can't risk that.
I get it.
Well, I don't have Juna's cell phone.
Didn't know I'd be on a posse! Just thought it was a big fun night out in new york.
Um okay.
Hi, did you see a group of kids? Can you hold on for one-- As soon as she's off I'll ask her, because maybe she saw them.
It would be a shame not to have this, Jane.
It would be a real shame.
Kind of all of us out in new york.
It'd be fun, right? She's not getting off any time soon.
Um, excuse me? Did you see a group of kids? Well, it was great to stay in tonight, not carouse with those kids.
I just really needed to find my center, you know? - Yes? - It's Paulie G.
- Oh.
Great.
All right.
Hi.
Oh great, you got my note.
Yeah, thanks so much for coming down.
I left one for Tom too.
But that's all right.
Um, listen, I know you guys didn't want to write a bit or anything, but, um, I'm really thinking the network is gonna expect me to say something.
You know? Now i'm not a writer, but I thought I could say something like, uh "I am thrilled to 'comeback' to the network.
" You know, that way I'm working in my reality show too.
Okay.
Then that happened.
Uh Well, it's late.
So, I should probably-- Wow, just-- Okay, go ahead.
Well, today are the upfronts And I thought I would try a new look.
- The drowned rat.
- Hold on a second.
Keep rolling.
- What's happening? - I'm seeing a camera in here.
Uh-Huh, how long is that gonna take though? 'Cause-- I'm just gonna take it down.
You know the upfronts are in an hour and my hair takes about an hour.
So, you know what? Mickey, why don't we just get started, and then when you're up you're up, okay? We'll do it that way.
We don't have time.
What? ,Mickey! I'm sorry, what is that? That's a new product.
Not today.
No experiments today! They told me we had to use this.
Who is "they"? Jane? Jane? It's a sponsor, you kind of have to.
No, I'm sorry.
I can't.
New product's too risky.
Can't you just use one of them? Just a little-- Little bit? No, I'm sorry.
I can't, no.
I can't.
It's-- You know Valerie: not today, you know? I don't know which one of the products is gonna make my hair piecey or greasy, Or, you know.
I gotta look like me.
You know, it's my big return to the network.
- They wanna see me, right? - Okay, yeah.
Thank you.
Mickey, can you get the sebastian stuff then? - 'Cause I can't-- - I tried to tell them.
I'm sure.
I know.
No one is mad or anything.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Jane.
I'm sorry.
I just can't risk any surprises.
Not today.
No surprises today.
- Is that your Woody Allen? - Yeah.
And we're not just about great dramas.
This fall we will take our other programming to exciting new heights.
Thrilling, emotional, Important, and yes, We left some room for laughs.
"Room for laughs.
" That means us.
You can't all be standing here with these cameras.
- I have people coming through.
- That's all right.
We're doing a show for this network so we're allowed.
Yeah.
Shows so compelling that, soon viewers everywhere will have no choice but to get caught in the net.
- Isn't that cute? - Let's take a look.
- Roll tape.
- Up first, It's a whole new reality on the net.
Life is full of hard knocks.
Marriage can be even harder.
So, how about it, newlyweds? Are you ready to take some knocks? Awesome.
Let's see what you're gonna be hitting with.
A pipe, a shovel and a board.
Mondays at 9:00, get ready for "Take that!" $100,000 for the torso.
$200,000 for the head.
The head! I can't.
Swing it, you pussy! We'll see you in the nextel recovery tent.
Not for all the money in the world.
Really, it's too much with you here.
I can't work.
- Help me out.
- Help me out and just leave us alone.
Jane, it's fine.
It's fine, we'll move.
Why didn't you come to dinner last night? Oh, I decided stay in.
Focus.
- You look so pretty.
- Oh, you too.
Thank you.
Contrary to popular belief, that idea was not given to me by my wife.
I don't need this, i don't think.
Are you ready? Let it roll! And thursday night is hotter than ever, with "the search for america's next great porn star.
" Mommy almost forgot Mr.
Wiggler.
Oh, hell yeah! Mr.
Wiggles.
Hi, I'm kit dennehey, a single mom from rancho mirage, california.
And i really wanna be america's next great porn star.
Ladies, porn is all about endurance.
For the next challenge, You will have to race up five flights of stairs With a mouth full of creme fraiche.
and we hope you've left room for laughs.
This is us, my brotha'.
All right, rule number one: no sex.
Rule number two: if either of us is horny, disregard rule number one.
Note to self: I don't need to see that.
That's "Room and bored.
" Four sexy singles, one small beach condo.
And one aunt Sassy.
- They forgot.
- Yeah And now, I'd like to introduce you to the hot new stars of one of our most exciting new sitcoms, "Room and bored.
" Jesse Wood.
Chris Macness.
Shayne Thomas.
And Juna Millken.
There they are, folks.
The cast of "Room and bored.
" Give them a hand.
- What's happening? - Go out there.
- He'll see you and introduce you.
- I don't understand.
I just don't understand.
Val, it's a mistake! Go out there.
I'm not gonna run out there, Mickey, I can't.
You two have to go.
I've got other shows coming through.
No no, see, I'm with that show there.
That show's done.
Now get your fucking cameras out of my fucking way! That's it, you wanna throw the fucks around, I'll throw the fucks around.
Allright, I have two shows on this network and he forgot to fucking introduce me.
I don't need you pushing me off the stage, okay? They've already done it.
Thank you.
Thank you! You love sitcoms, but you're tired of reality shows.
Why'd they even bring me out here if they weren't gonna-- - What about a sitcom that becomes a reality show? - Why didn't he-- Val, listen, he's introducing you now! - Right now? Right now? - Now! Okay,I don't need this.
Okay, I'm good.
In january she'll star in "The comeback," Her very own reality show - about her return - I'm so stupid.
to the sitcom spotlight! Valerie Cherish! - Welcome back, Val.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, I'm so happy-- - That's our cast, ladies and gentlemen! No, it went great.
Just great, marky-Mark.
I didn't get to say anything, but you know, that's all right.
- See? I told you.
- Yeah, you did.
- Also, I took the kids to lunch.
- How did that go? Well, the eater is not an eater anymore.
Well, we tried, so Oh, listen, um, the wall is done.
Oh, which color? Uh, sage dust.
Great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, "I don't need to see that.
I don't need to see that!" Very good.
- What happened? - I think I have a catchphrase.
- That's good.
- Good? It's everything.
Valerie, will you come take a picture with us? - Oh, sure, yeah.
I'm gonna take a picture.
- Okay, go ahead.
- I'll see ya tomorrow.
- I love you.
I love you too.
Okay.
Oh, fun.
This is fun.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Three, two, one.
Good.
Oh, wait, I can do you one better.
Mickey! Take a picture of us.
That way we can all be in it.
It'll be fun.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
All you have to do is push this button right there.
- Oh, okay.
- Mickey knows the old polaroid.
Ready? You've got to hold it.
- I did.
- No, just hold until-- You gotta keep-- No, the camera died! Look at this.
- It shut off.
- It shut off? See that? One more time.
Did he turn it off? Here we go.
It was my fault.
Everybody smile.
- There yogo.
- Is that good? Oh, I have an idea.
Let's do one more.
I'm sorry.
Come over here.
Oh, this will be fun.
Girls get in front.
Get in front and down.
And down a little bit.
- All right.
- Is everybody ready? Ready.
Oh, wait.
You're on my hair.
This arm, it's on my hair.
Okay, everybody smile.
- Got it.
- Yeah! - Okay, see you later.
- Oh! That's great.
Chris, wait wait wait! I didn't see the picture.
Let me-- Oh.
Yeah.
That's just awful.
Hey, wait a second.
Where are we going? * there is no need to fear * * and I just feel so good * * every time I hear * * I'm coming out * * I want the world to know *