The Critic s01e02 Episode Script

1 Hello.
- Hi, this is gene shalit.
- I'm having a bad hair day.
If you don't believe me, look out the window.
It stinks.
hey, hey hey, hey, hey go! Macho, macho man yeah! I've gotta be a macho man macho, macho man yeow! Nice butt.
Thank you.
Ew.
Ew.
Marty, your father's here.
You're still redecorating? The old wallpaper had too many bad memories.
Come on, dad, we're going to be late for career day.
I had a career once, but I threw it away for you.
I can't believe I fell in love with a man whose face I've never seen.
And whose voice I've never heard.
Happy? So, Marty, how's school? I got beat up yesterday.
I know how it is, son.
I went to the toughest school in the city.
This is for your review of the Christmas concert.
Ugh! I still say it was ho-ho-horrible.
Hey, sherman, review this nutcracker suite.
Ow-ow-ow, ow, ow ow, ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow Attention students from underdeveloped countries.
Sally struthers is here to see you, and she brought 500 sandwiches.
Whatever she can't eat is yours.
Hey! Well, if it isn't You're speaking at career day? Career day? I thought this was the prom.
Yeow! Glad he's getting back to physical shtick.
Hi, there, I am Omar's daddy, and I am a president for life.
I rely on terror and oppression because everyone plots against me.
I was gonna say that.
Shh.
There.
It is as if someone wrenched my soul from my body and splattered it on the wall.
Thank you, Horst.
I'm ashamed.
Now let's hear from Marty's dad.
I am a Film critic.
Ach! Mein werk! Ahhh! Ah! My work! Ahhh! Eh? Maybe some of you recognize me.
My show is dubbed into 11 different languages.
In Mexico, your behavior frightens us.
So, the station runs a disclaimer that you have escaped from a mental hospital.
In my country, you bear a strange resemblance to bumbar, the God of flatulence.
Yes, it's a great job.
I get to eat popcorn all day and watch movies.
And with all the free stuff the studios send me, I never have to buy clothes.
And I get to think of fun new ways to criticize things.
For instance, you might say your teacher's wearing an ugly red dress.
I'd say, "she's a walking blood clot.
" Hmm.
You know something? You were the best dad there.
Oh, please, son, it wasn't a competition.
Well, hello, loser.
Oops.
Madre de dios! Here are your glasses.
Oh.
I think she likes you.
How can you tell? Son, if there's one thing I know, it's how to read a woman.
For example, that woman there thinks I'm disgusting, and that woman thinks I'm bigfoot.
And that woman is wondering if she should call the cops to have me thrown out of the school.
I don't think it's a man.
I think it's a bear that likes key lime pie.
Well, we don't have much time, son, you better ask that girl out.
Uh, how do you like America? My grandfather says your country will, one day, choke on the vomit of your capitalist excess.
Uh I once choked on a scented candle, and I got my nose caught in a mousetrap.
It was the worst birthday I ever had.
The negotiations have failed.
The Libyan kids refuse to trade their hummus for our tsimmes.
Release the falafels! International food fight! Jacques, more pate de foie gras? We surrender.
Oh, no! Incoming sausage.
That was amazing.
I practice that with my dad.
Now follow me, we'll be safe once we reach the Swiss table.
You are very brave.
My name is Carmen.
Give me your French fries give me your pot pies soft serve ice cream mmm, delicious! Dad, dad! I got a date.
Ah, that's great.
Sir, some kids are trapped under a side of beef.
Just call me the jaws of life.
Dad, were you nervous on your first date? Was I? I thought I was gonna die.
Do the hus uh-oh.
Are you ok? Not to worry.
It's just gas.
You have kidney stones.
Most unusual in a 16-year-old boy.
Hear that, Sally? I'm very mature.
Mmm-hmm.
My, my! I was such a nerd back then.
You hooligans! This window cost $753 million.
Now, son, don't worry about this date.
If you get in trouble, I'll feed you lines.
You know what to say to a girl? I certainly do.
My shower is broken.
May I use yours? Wa Wa Water.
Chicks love it when you babble.
Now son, one last thing I want to tell you about women.
They're different from us.
They're soft and curvy and Well, maybe they're not that different, except in this one way: They can smell fear.
Once they've got their claws in you, there is no end to the horrors they can inflict.
I'm scared, son.
Let's just stay home and watch a video.
Don't leave your papa! Don't leave your papa! It's ok, dad.
Hi, Carmen.
Hi.
Miguel Garcia.
Have a cigar, Cuba's finest.
Jay sherman.
Have a star trek vii pencil, nimoy's lamest.
Now don't worry, we'll take good care of your daughter.
I am not worried.
We have trained her well.
She can disable a 200-pound man using only a q-tip.
Well, I can sink a $50 million musical using only the word "crap.
" - Hello, vlada.
- My usual table.
Certainly, Mr.
sherman.
But, first, I must remove these street urchins that followed you in.
Go away.
Shoo.
No, no.
They're with me.
I see.
You realize we never have children in this restaurant before, except, of course, in the kitchen.
Hello, Jay.
G'day, Marty.
Ah, you're turning into quite the heartbreaker.
Just like, uh Your mother.
Oh.
Who's your lovely lady friend? This is Carmen.
She's from Cuba.
Oh, Cuba? Then you must have seen me in g'day in the life of che Guevara, onward, my bloody amigos! We're taking havana! And guess who they got to play Evita peron? That's right.
Mrs.
doubtfire herself, Robin Williams.
Oh, fantastic, wonderful.
At last, I've climbed out of my ivory tower.
I get to see a movie with the common man.
Are you that loudmouth from channel 67? Indeed, I am.
Ow.
Dad, are any of these movies good? Son, don't you listen to my reviews? These movies are recycled Hollywood trash.
It stinks.
It stinks! Dad, what about this one? A foreign film! Oh, the evening is saved.
I like French films I like French films ow.
Uh, I've got to tell you, I'm a little nervous.
Me, too.
Want to see a trick? Where did you learn that? From my dad.
The following preview has been rated p.
C.
For politically correct.
Spike Lee's newest, most controversial film.
F, the story of Malcolm Forbes.
Plymouth rock didn't land on us, we landed on Plymouth rock.
Boola, boola! Daddy? Where are you, daddy? Kids, it's not just a sweet movie.
It also teaches a valuable lesson.
Hotchie motchie! One more step, and the red balloon becomes the dead balloon.
I could not have foreseen that.
We can't afford to have that balloon fall into the wrong hands.
I don't know who's full of more hot air, general, that balloon, or you.
Ah, that's ridiculous! Son, you're losing her.
Repeat after me: I really like you.
"I really like you.
" You're not like the other girls.
"You're not like the other girls.
" You can see beneath these layers of bitterness and self-loathing to my proverbial achy breaky heart.
Huh? Ow.
I want to go home now.
I'll take those keys.
You idiot.
What good are the keys without the car? Oh.
Good night.
What a lousy date.
Carmen must hate me.
Listen, son, women don't always go for the guy with the best body or the nicest smile.
Oh, dirk, you have such beautiful pecs and teeth.
Oh, will you shut up? Son, what women admire most in a man is persistence.
No matter what, don't give up.
What should I do? Get her a special gift, something she really needs but doesn't know she needs.
Hmm.
Weather stripping! And I've been losing 40 percent of my heat through corner seals and molding.
Come here, you practical boy.
That's it! Thanks, dad.
Huh? Oh.
Where's Carmen going? Back to Cuba to live with her grandfather.
Oh, it's because of me, isn't it? No, it's not.
Yes, it is! You're right.
It is you.
We were just trying to be diplomatic.
We are diplomats.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Whoa! Look out! Ow.
Ow.
Watch the high heels, lady.
Oh, no! It's the Dutch clog dancing team! Ouch! My kidney.
What have you done with the cello? Uh, well Marty, what are you doing here? I wanted to give you this.
It's a set of clips to keep your glasses from slipping down your nose.
Muchas gracias.
Because of your country's cruel embargo on Cuba, the factory that made these has shut down.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Mom, dad, have you seen Marty? I I think I've lost him.
When was the last time you saw the boy? Last night, I took him on his first date.
I remember my first date.
Your mother never looked lovelier.
Thank you for flying with air Cuba.
Next time your travel plans take you to the racist, collapsing country of America, we hope you'll fly with us.
Hey, a parade! And look, Betty, who's that knocking down Uncle Sam? Why, it's Cuba's own mascot, auntie-America! We'll be right back after this word from toilet paper, now in "rough" and "not-so-rough.
" I guess I'd better call the police.
Aren't you the least bit worried? Worry is an emotion.
And showing emotion has been genetically bred out of us, but you can rest assured that deep down I'm crying like a coal miner's widow.
Sugar cookie? Wait! There's Marty on the t.
V.
Oh, my God! Just reach in the t.
V.
And pull him out.
That's how I met the fonz.
You are very brave, following me to Cuba.
Thanks.
I I really, really think you're nice.
Well, I think you're nice, too.
Kiss her, son.
Kiss her, or you'll regret it the rest of your life.
Don't grow old like me, a fat, whiny head with 3 hairs.
Nobody loves me, and this bubble is beginning to smell.
Hello? Hello? Advice-giving head, here.
Ooh! Fried bananas! I'm sorry.
Only Mexican citizens can fly to Cuba, or those married to Mexican citizens.
Then marry me now! Ok.
That is why the greatest actor of this or any other century is: Ned beatty.
El loco del television! Look, there's my grandpa! Carmen! Stop the car.
Carmen, you look as beautiful and strong as the Berlin wall in its heyday.
Grandpa, this is Marty.
He took me on my first date.
I remember my first date.
Oh, fidel, why don't you stay here in Washington? You could play pro ball for the senators while we both do volunteer work for eisenhower.
First, let's pet.
It's the '50s.
Ow! You have got to shave! Never! I am proud of my Cuban whiskers.
Hey, the, uh, lady said to leave her alone.
Your country will regret this someday.
How am I supposed to get home? I'll give you a lift.
No.
It's my 5:00 shadow, isn't it? Where are you taking me? We set all our mental patients adrift at sea.
Wait, that's the carnival cruise.
These are the mental patients.
Stop! You promised to marry me.
All right, but I've got to tell you, I'm only marrying you to get to Cuba.
Well, I'm only marrying you for citizenship.
Ah, this is the most honest, caring relationship I've ever been in.
Won't you come back to New York with me? Maybe someday, but my place is here in Cuba, with my people.
I understand.
My place is in New York but only between 30th street and central park.
If I go beyond that, I'm dead.
Can I kiss you goodbye? You're not supposed to ask.
You're supposed to just do it.
Uh, do what? You should spin me around in your arms, take me by surprise, and kiss me.
Would it be all right if I did that now? No.
Mmm.
Wow! Dad, what are you doing here? I came to pick you up.
This is your new mother.
I plan to divorce him and take half his money.
She's a lot like your old mother.
Well, Carmen, I guess I better go home.
I'll always remember our first date.
Adios, Marty.
Adios.
Ooh! Mmm.
I'm an old man, but I can still learn a thing or two.
Children don't believe in bigotry and hatred.
They don't divide the world into communist and capitalist.
Maybe it's time I hey, who died and made you El presidente? Dad, that's Castro.
Don't worry.
I am not the gruff bear they say I am.
Shoot to wound.
Before you shoot, you should know I gave thumbs up to the mambo kings.
Hooray! Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Excuse me, sir.
The show's over.
Is the snack bar still open? Shh!