The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e02 Episode Script

No more blind dates.
This guy's
a lawyer, right?
He uses a Truphone coupon
at dinner.
I'm supposed to order something
the same price or less
then soup!
Boy,
an obnoxious lawyer.
What's next,
a wacky weatherman?
Hey, I came over here
for a little sympathy.
Oh! That's okay, Kate.
We'll play a little eight ball,
have some beer.
Next thing you know,
you'll be drunk and broke.
By the way, uh..
How did you know
I'd be home tonight?
- Well, it's Saturday night.
- I could've had a date.
It's just that I had that big
saltpeter sandwich for lunch
and I wasn't in the mood.
Hey, Kate.
Drew.
- Hey, Lewis.
- Hey.
What are you doing here?
Did you and Pam have a fight?
No, no, we were just
in the neighborhood
and she kicked me out
of the car and drove away.
Did you try to get her
to wear that thing again?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Well, rack 'em up.
By the way, how did you know
that I would be home tonight?
Biblical prophecy.
You know, not everyone goes out
on Saturday night, you know?
Maybe I don't like crowds.
Maybe Tuesday morning
is my big night out.
More beer with those
pancakes, my dear?
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What you doing in my garage?
Ah, I borrowed your car.
You borrowed my car, how did you
know I wouldn't need it?
[scoffs]
It's Saturday night.
Did the pizza order
get here, yet?
The pizza you ordered
to my house?
The place where
I might not be?
The guy who couldn't get
a date if dates were magnets
and his butt
was due north?
Drew, you're right,
we, we shouldn't assume
you'll be home,
and even if you are
we shouldn't assume
that you want company.
- 'That's true.'
- Oh, well,thank you!
Come on, guys.
Let's give Drew some space.
We'll go down to the Warsaw.
I'll explain a little
something to Lewis.
Itoldyou women don't think
those things are sexy!
(Lewis)
Hey, if it's not sexy, how come
I had it ordered
from Mexico, huh?
You knowone Saturday night
we're not coming back.
- That's true.
- Yeah?
One Saturday night
I might not even be here.
Well, Drew, the sun's
not gonna explode
for another 955 million years.
Yeah, well,
the Saturday night before that
I'm goin' out.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath
your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
'Hi, these are
some interesting mannequins'
you've done here.
Oh, look a Christmas display.
Huhblood.
Well, thanks for stopping by,
it was really a pleasure.
Gosh, your skin is cold.
Try and get some sun,
won't you?
Woah!
'Well, well, well.'
If it isn't
Miss Mimi Bobeck
the woman who almost
got me fired.
Bite me,
doe-boy.
You know, you're a very
forward person.
You, you can't just sit there.
That's where Mr. Bell's
assistant sits.
Alright, I'm just
gonna call security.
Hello, Bill.
Is that you
at the Grand Canyon?
Hold on a second, Bill.
Is that your parents?
You're doin'
a fine job, Bill.
Justcallin'
to say, hey, Bill.
- When'd you get this job?
- Yesterday.
To keep me from going
to the Labor Relations Board
Mr. Bell hired me
as his personal assistant.
Oh, and this must
be your dog.
Oh, he's a big fellow, huh?
I guess it's true what they say
about dogs and their owners.
They look nothing alike.
Listen, pig.
No, we're friends now.
You just call me Drew.
From now on,
your life's gonna be hell.
Not a day goes by that
I don't try to get you fired.
'You're gonna miss meetings,
you're gonna lose memos.'
Okay, friend?
Oh, by the way,
this came for you.
[coughing]
You know, if you think
you can just waltz in here
and threaten me, you don't
know what you're up against.
[tapping]
The next time,
it won't be my envelope.
Mr. Carey?
I'm sorry, my father
is Mr. Carey, I'm Mrs. Carey.
Wanna smile so I know
you're kidding?
[chuckling]
Hi. I'm Lisa Robbins.
I'm here for the
Visual Merchandiser position.
Oh, you mean,
window displays.
Great, well,
let's just step into
the production managerial
of the human resources
allocator.
[laughing]
Welcome aboard, Mimi.
And don't forget
Friday is "Crazy Sock Day."
Let's see what we have here.
Blah, blah, blah.
Lies, lies, lies.
Phony, phony, phony.
- Wow, you worked at Antonio's.
- Yeah.
(Drew)
'I was a waiter there
like ten years ago?'
Ah, yeah, six for me.
Man, I love that Parma pizza.
I ate it morning,
noon and night.
Everybody hated me 'cause
I never gained an ounce.
Everybody liked me.
Well, you seem
to have done okay.
Hey, if you get promoted,
do you get a ceiling?
Actually, when I do get
my next promotion
I, I will get a real office.
Oh, I-I was just
kidding around.
Oh, I'm sorry, I..
we could have shared a laugh,
and I was too uptight.
Oh, look at that.
Your whole head is blushing,
that's so cute.
May I, uh,
see your portfolio.
Uh..
You're not
comfortable being taken
seriously as a man,
are you?
No, no, no, I'm fine,
if you wanna talk about me
let's talk about me.
Okaywhat's with the haircut?
Head lice,
anymore about me?
Yeah,
those glasses?
Whose interview is this?
Hey, I'm just making small talk.
I do that when I'm nervous.
What do you do?
Isn't it obvious?
You eat?
Shut up, I sweat.
Wait, why are you nervous?
- Why are you nervous?
- Uh-uh, I asked first.
No, you asked first.
[laughs]
Hey, uh, you know,
these are really good.
- Thanks.
- Listen, uh..
Why don't you just fill out
this personality profile test
and we'll talk after.
- Okay.
- Here's the questions.
Andhere's the answers.
Oh, lookhere's one
that's already filled out.
[instrumental music]
'She's got this great
sense of humor.'
She's easy to talk to.
She's crude, she's vulgar.
She hates all
the same people I hate.
- Love that.
- Perfect.
And as an added bonus,
she can eat like a pig
and never gain an ounce.
Here's Oswald and Beth.
Hey, Beth.
Where you goin', Beth?
See you later, Beth.
Are we sure her name's Beth?
What's with Beth?
- You mean, Claire?
- Oh.
She dumped me.
- 'Oh!'
- You're kiddin'? What happened?
I don't know,
it's always the same thing.
Everything starts out fine
and then it's like
I don't think
this is gonna work out.
And I always tell 'em,
"Of course, it will, trust me.
I really care about you."
- Oh, man, Oswald.
- Um, what?
Well, uh,
you're a great guy.
You're cute, you're generous,
you wear bad shoes.
But, that's not a crime.
But "Trust me,
it will work out."
I mean, some women may find
your voice a little insincere.
Really?
Or it could be that your
forehead takes up
two thirds of your face.
Hi, how are you?
Hi, how are you?
Well, we've lost
a good friend in Oswald.
But we still have our beer,
and Drew's got a woman.
- What?
- No, I don't.
- Well, I'm drinkin' anyway.
- Yeah.
Yes, I would love to go out
with Lisa, but I can't.
I'm giving her the job.
And management shouldn't date
regular employees.
No matter how close
that management is
they have no
discernible power.
Phew, man,
it's lonely at the middle.
[upbeat music]
Man, it's midnight.
[door slams]
[music continues]
What?
Oh, hi, Drew.
- Hi, Millie.
- What's up?
As I was wondering,
can you hear that okay?
'Cause I'm getting mostly
vibrations over my place.
Oh, I'm sorry, sorry.
Jules, turn that music down.
Old man Drew
is over here to complain.
You know, normally
I wouldn't say anything
but, you know, one of the
reasons I bought my folks house
is that the neighborhood's
kinda quiet.
'Cause you know after
a long day I just like to unwind
or read or something.
You were readin'?
Yeah.
Are you goin' to school?
[dog barking]
Peaches, come out here
and get Baby.
It's okay,
I live next door.
You see me every damn day.
Oh, that's enough, Baby.
Oh, hush.
Hi, Drew.
I'll just let you
two talk.
Sorry about Baby, Drew.
He's just a little excitable.
Aren't you, Baby?
Who's mama's baby?
You're mama's baby.
At least until your mama
has little baby of her own.
How you been, Drew?
Busy, very busy.
And sterile.
Drew, how's it hangin'?
[chuckles]
Uh, sorry about
the music.
Buddy of mine picked
up a handful of CD systems
out of factory outlet store.
You want one? Make that driving
to work really sweet.
Well, thanks.
But, you know, I carpool.
I'll even install
it myself.
How's a..
hundred bucks sound?
Well, it, uh, would double
the value of my car.
[chuckles]
Dad's stereos are the best.
I only got eight percent
of my hearing.
Yeah, but look
on the bright side.
My dang testicle
finally shook loose.
Well, as of 12:09, I officially
know too much about you.
Goodnight.
See you, Drew.
[instrumental music]
Excuse me.
Ssh.
Lisa's right over there.
I know, I met her.
So, uh, what do you think?
Nice hiney.
- Kate..
- Drew, listen to me.
This is the one time that..
Hey, she's buyin' something.
That's my commission!
This is the one time, if you
ignore this it will go away.
You think I don't know that?
But there's nothing I can do.
I understand.
Yeah, Drew,
Lisa's right over there.
Yeah, she looks
real cute today.
- Hey, Lis.
- Hey.
Thanks, Kate. Don't forget
to call that number.
There's no such thing
as a little crack problem.
- Hi, Lisa.
- Hey, Drew.
Boy, these mannequins
just keep getting
better and better lookin'.
Wow, she'll probably
never talk to me.
[laughing]
Um, hey, could you
hand me that bra?
You want the, uh, demi cup,
the underwire or the sport?
Demi cup.
You seem to know your way
around women's underwear.
Well, I just have a general
thirst for knowledge.
Oh, now, you think,
this will work?
I think it's about to.
I gotta go.
[clears throat]
Wait, um,
are you busy tonight?
I, I thought maybe we could
have dinner and a movie.
Tsk, I'd love to
but, you know, the company
has rules
against that kinda thing.
Oh, uh, maybe
we could get together
so you could
explain them to me.
Oh, what the heck.
Not like it's a date.
8 o'clock tonight
at the Warsaw.
It's right where
the Gdansk used to be.
[laughing]
You'll know me
by having met me previously.
Wow, I'm doing pretty well.
I better leave.
(Kate)
'Drew, come here, come here.'
Wait, there's something
in your eye.
- Oh, it's a twinkle.
- Shut up.
Hey, Drew, I didn't expect
to see you here tonight.
- What's up?
- What do you mean, what's up?
How come everything has
to be up?
Can't a guy just walk to a bar?
Is that illegal now?
No, but the way
you smell should be.
Too much cologne.
Too much? You mean,
there was more?
Hi, Drew.
Hi, Lisa.
Uh, guys, this is Lisa.
Lisa, this is guys.
- Hi.
- Oh, yeah. Hi.
You must be the woman
Drewisn'tdating.
And since, uh,
we're not dating
you don't need
to get to know them.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Okay.
Look, I'm serious.
- This can't be a date, okay?
- Okay.
Not even the appearance
of a date.
Thanks.
- How's that?
- Perfect.
So, how are you two tonight?
Oh, good.
Great, I'll have a, uh..
double chili cheese burger
with everything.
Extra onions,
and you can take my napkin.
'Cause I'm not gonna
be needin' it tonight.
(waitress)
'Ma'am.'
Let's see, uhokay.
Gimme a couple of Sloppy Joe's,
open face with extra sauce.
Gimme a side of sauerkraut
andI won't be needing this.
Should I bring plates,
or should I just
throw the food on the floor?
It's your call.
So, do you, uh,
do you usually eat
double chili cheese burgers
when you'renoton a date?
Yep, power food.
Kinda food just marches right
down your throat, you know?
"Follow me, boys,
we're going to the heart."
[imitating drumbeat]
"What is that lettuce?
Get the hell out of my way!"
[Lisa laughing]
Oh, great.
What?
Some people
from the store.
Oh, don't worry,
they won't see us.
Uh, what if they do see us?
We're talking business.
DrewI like you.
Okay. So, we're off business.
Look, umisn't there
any way we could see each other?
I'm a Director of Personnel.
It'll look like
I'm playing favorites.
If I date you,
I'll have to date everybody.
Alright, well,
promise me one thing.
What?
You'll think about it.
[sighs]
Oh man! Mimi.
Looking for me?
Hello, Mr. Carey. I think
you know everybody from work.
Jim! Sue!
Great to see ya.
How you doin'?
[instrumental music]
Hey, Kate.
Sohow do I look?
Very Apollo 13.
Dashing astronaut,
or nerdy mission control guy?
Space monkey.
You're trying
to impress Lisa.
You're going for it.
Damn right,
I'm going for it.
I mean, uh,
let people talk.
I'm doing this
for all the right reasons.
My conscience is clean.
Oh, and, so is your neck.
You shaved your neck.
You are in love.
Oh, look at you,
my little space monkey.
Look at you.
- No!
- What is it?
Houston, we have a problem.
Jules!
Hey, Jules, you up?
- Hey, Jules.
- Drew.
Drew, I mean,
what's the hassle?
My dashboard
is ripped out of my car.
I'm puttin'
in your new stereo system.
You told me you carpool
in the morning.
Yeah, well,
I'm drivin' this morning.
That's the hassle, man.
You said, you'd be done
with that last night.
I got to pick up
my bees.
- You have bees?
- Ah-ah-ah, get your own.
But, uh, here.
You can take my ride.
Sorry, man.
Like I said,
it's my neighbor's truck.
Anybody here
a Molly Hatchet fan?
AC/DC, "Highway to Hell."
[banging on window]
(Drew)
'Someone open
the rear window, please.'
Hey, how we doin' back there?
You guys stop throwing
your cigarettes out the window.
[tires screeching]
Work on a signal, you jerk.
[musical horn]
Sorry, man.
Does anyone else
hear that sound?
Sounds like bees.
[bees buzzing]
Boy, you sure picked the wrong
day to wear that Lilac perfume.
Oh, you call that
a bee sting?
You can barely see it.
Drew, I can see this
on my forehead.
Oh, Sondra, can you send
Lisa Robbins up here
right away please.
Thanks.
It's little early
for a nooner, isn't it?
Yeah, I waited
till 40 minutes after my meal.
[phone ringing]
Yes, Mr. Bell.
(Mr. Bell)
'Carey, you put me
in awkward position here.'
'This thing with you
and the new woman.'
'It's all over the store.'
Oh man! Listen, sir,
I can explain--
(Mr. Bell)
'You don't have to explain.'
'The point is, Carey'
'it doesn't sit well with
the other employees.'
'I want this relationship
terminated, now, period.'
- But, Mr. Bell--
- 'Period.'
Wellin that case, sir,
I don't know what to tell you.
Looks like you're
gonna have to fire me.
(Mr. Bell)
'Fire you? No way!'
'You're one of my most
valuable employees.'
Really?
(Mr. Bell)
'Besides
to severance papers somebody'
'with your seniority
is outrageous.'
'It'd be cheaper
to have you killed.'
[Bell laughing]
Thank you, sir.
(Mr. Bell)
'If anyone loses a job,
it'll be this new woman.'
'Handle it, Carey.'
But, that's not fair,
she just..
[phone beeps]
- Man.
- Sorry, Drew.
Well, now what am I
supposed to tell Lisa?
I'm sorry, but, Mr. Bell
won't let me go out with you.
That I'm already married
to my job.
Hey, I'd like you to meet my
kids, ulcer and big-chair-ass.
You know big-chair-ass
is going to college in the fall.
You called, boss.
[chuckling]
What's up?
Lisasit down.
Uh-oh.
It's that, my wife just
found out about us voice.
Close, I just got ringed
by Mr. Bell
for us going out last night.
LookI know this
sounds crazy and I..
I know we've only known
each other a few days but..
I'm willing to give up
all of this.
Hey, it's only one wall
short of a cube.
[laughing]
If you are willing to commit
to a lifelong relationship.
Drew.
I know, that's the beauty of it.
It's the most irrational thing
you've heard anyone say.
Yeah, it is.
Wait. I want kids.
DrewI can't let you quit
your job for me, that's crazy.
Then I'll have the kids.
Look, I have
child-bearing hips.
Well, you really do
have fantastic hips.
Really?
Oh, I, I always hoped.
Oh, come on.
We hardly know each other.
Uh, I can barely commit
to one hair color
for more than a month.
Much less to you
for the rest of my life.
It's too much pressure,
Drew, you know..
Yeah, I see.
In that case, I called you
up here to break it off.
Oh, God, no.
Don't go to pieces
on me, be strong.
So, what do we do now?
Go on with our lives?
Date other people?
Yeah, well, I can,
but you can't.
[laughing]
Hey.
Uh, it probably wouldn't
have worked out anyway.
Your face is too fat.
Yeah, well, you calves
are too close to your ankles.
Your ears aren't level.
Yeah, neither
are your breasts.
Did I just say that aloud
in the office?
And you're not
too smart either.
Oh, yeah, like it takes
a genius to figure that out.
Got her that time.
Man, what a beautiful night.
[bees buzzing]
'Jules!'
[chuckles]