The Exes (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Are you sure this jockey's looking for a new agent? Yeah look, man, I'll do anything to sign him.
I don't care what it takes.
I used to have pride.
Now I have alimony.
Good morning, Phil.
Perfect.
Get back to me.
Hey, Stuart.
What's up? Oh, God, I had this weird dream about my ex-wife last night, and I was thinking No, no, no, no.
That's not how it works.
You see, I ask you, "what's up?" And you say, "nothing much.
" And then we read.
Knock, knock, knock.
- Come insky.
- Oof! It's fine, Haskell.
We got this.
Don't get up.
Don't worry, I wasn't.
I was just shifting cheeks.
Ugh.
Okay, I'm gonna go wash up.
I've never gotten my hands so dirty having so little fun.
Stuart, this box got delivered to my apartment by mistake.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
It's from my ex-wife, Lorna.
I wonder what she sent.
Well, unless she could fit a car and half a house in there, you still got screwed in the divorce.
Um, it isn't that bad, coming from my divorce attorney? You're the one who kept throwing around the word "amicable.
" I mean, who shows up at a settlement hearing with a muffin basket? Hey, hey, hey.
They were day-old.
I think she got the message.
Oh, oh, look! She sent me our clock collection.
We bought them on our travels, said they would remind us of the times in our lives.
[Chuckles.]
Clock.
Times.
I get it.
You two are lame.
Stuart, sweetie, do you really think it's wise to have all this stuff around while you're trying to move on with your life? No, I know.
Pffft.
I'm gonna sell 'em.
You know.
[Chuckling.]
Just a bunch of stupid clocks.
Stop petting it.
Yeah! I am this close to signing my first jockey.
- All right! - Yeah.
He'd be my biggest client.
And yes, I get the irony.
Congratulations.
Way to go, Phil.
Now all I gotta do is close the deal.
Ah, just buy him a little drink.
A little small talk, a little dinner.
You know, 'cause he's little.
Phil, you are an experienced agent.
You know what it takes to land a client.
Exactly.
I need to hook him up with a hottie.
I guess the high road is closed for repairs.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just a little eye candy to keep the meeting fun.
Now all I have to do is find the perfect woman for a jockey.
- What? - 'Sup, Eden? No, no, no, no, no.
You are not pimping out my assistant to land a client.
- Yeah! Pffft! - Ugh.
But who are we talking about? Robbie Gordon, the jockey.
Oh, yeah.
He's cute.
He's rich.
He's famous.
I'm in.
Perfect.
Meet us downstairs at the bar tonight after work.
Slow down, everyone.
I am going to come along to make sure that no one gets taken advantage of.
I can take care of myself.
Oh, sweetie, I'm talking about the jockey.
[Upbeat music.]
[Humming.]
[Door clicks open.]
Hey, look at that.
You put them all out.
And you would think that 12 antique clocks in one room would be too much.
Well, just goes to show, you can't have too many clocks.
Why are there price tags on them? Because you can have too many clocks.
You're selling this crap online.
Agh, I don't know, Haskell.
They're not just clocks.
They're memories.
My friend, whereas these little tchotchkes symbolized the love you shared with your wife, now they are just the carcasses of a dead marriage.
You need to get rid of this stuff and use the proceeds to fund an exciting new life Minus my 20% commission for sales and handling.
You know what? You know what? Maybe you're right.
I mean, Lorna didn't want them.
Why should I? Why should you? She took our best memories and stuffed them into a box like they meant nothing.
Nothing.
Why shouldn't I make some money off of it? Make some money.
All right, let's do this! All right.
You already did it, didn't you? I'm telling you, Robbie, you sign with me, I'm gonna take you beyond the track.
I'm talking book deals, commercials, endorsements.
Phil, you're a nice guy.
But you're giving me the same speech I get from every agent.
Tell me something I don't know.
Impress me.
[Footsteps approach.]
Who is that? It's a friend I thought I'd introduce you to.
Okay, well, I'm impressed.
I gotta hand it to you, man.
You obviously know my type.
She is really hot.
I'm assuming the little one is yours.
Huh? Oh, hey.
Eden, Holly.
I'd like to introduce you to the world-famous jockey, [Imitating announcer.]
Robbie Gordooon! Hi, so nice to meet you.
I saw you win the Kentucky derby.
Oh, yeah, that's a great story.
Why don't you tell it over here? And, Holly, why don't you sit next to Robbie? Why? So you can get to know each other.
Why? Because life's an adventure about meeting new people.
Now, sit.
Oh, all right.
Can I get you ladies a drink? How about you, gorgeous? Oh, uh, red wine.
Anything Italian.
And you? Shot of stoli with a beer back.
Holly, you consider yourself an open person, right? Mm-hmm.
I mean, you don't judge people by physical appearance.
Of course not.
I'd never be that superficial.
Good, because he wants you.
Who, the little guy? Come on.
Have you been out of the game that long? Short stack's all over you.
I guess I'm flattered in a gulliver's travels kind of way.
But forget it.
I'm not jockey bait.
Look, Holly, my office is like a shark tank.
All these young agents are nipping at my heels.
I need to sign this guy.
Yeah, but, Phil, you cannot just swap out one woman for another.
I mean, what about Eden? How do you think she'd feel? Eden? I think she's fine.
Of course she is.
She doesn't have to entertain the mayor of tiny town.
Holly.
[Silent.]
Oh, all right.
One drink.
But you stay here the whole time.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- All right.
Okay, so here's the game plan.
We have a quick drink here.
Then we cab it across town to my favorite place for dinner.
- Dinner? - Oh, that sounds great.
Uh, actually, Phil, I got it from here.
Oh, okay.
I'll see y'all later.
Good evening, Mr.
Gordon.
Always a pleasure.
This way.
Oh, thank you.
Your waiter will be with you in a moment.
Would you care to see the wine list while you wait, Mr.
Gordon? No need.
Can you bring us a bottle of the Terrabianca Campaccio? The 2001.
If that wine is okay with you? Big words.
Not this year.
Let's drink it.
Excellent.
And would you like an appetizer while you wait? Oh, yeah, I'll have the shrimp cocktail.
You know, I'll just have some water, please.
You know, I discovered this wine on my last trip to Tuscany.
I liked it so much that I bought a villa there.
I have a timeshare in naples Florida.
Yours is better.
You know, if you'd like, I can just order a case of wine and sit on the box.
I'm sorry.
But come on, you have to admit we do make an unusual pair.
Yeah, but that shouldn't stop us from getting to know each other.
Of course it shouldn't.
I mean all right, well, what made you decide to become a jockey? Well, my father worked on a horse farm.
Oh.
Been riding since I was two.
You know, the truth is, sometimes I'm more comfortable around horses than people.
They don't judge.
I know exactly what you mean.
The library was my escape growing up.
Which you need when you're 5'10" at 12 years old.
Kids are so kind at that age.
"Hey, gigantor, if we let you go, will you promise to spare the town?" Yeah, well, at least it wasn't, "Hey, Robbie, I want a bike for Christmas.
Can you give Santa the message?" Oh, that's terrible! I know, but don't worry.
I stood up for myself.
Never gave Santa the message.
And I crushed that town.
Uh, look, somebody's got a question about your Moroccan mantle clock.
Oh, oh, oh.
May I respond? Yeah.
[Clears throat.]
"My ex-wife, Lorna, and I "Were honeymooning in Casablanca when we bought this at a local bazaar.
" "Then we retired to our room, where we finally achieved simultaneous orgasm.
" Gght! All they were asking is if it came with a windup key.
Holly back? I haven't heard her.
She still out with your jockey? He's not my jockey yet.
What's taking so long? Well, isn't that a good sign? I mean, the longer they're out, it means they're having fun, right? Or the little guy drank too much, and she's carrying him back to middle earth.
[Footsteps approach.]
[Laughing.]
Well, this is my place, so I guess we're at that awkward point in the evening.
The goodnight.
Uh, yeah.
Well, listen, no pressure, but if you're free tomorrow I'd love to.
Was that too eager? Ask me again.
- Would you go - What time? Damn.
I gotta work on that.
Well, good goodnight.
Oh, shoot.
'Night.
Nighty-night.
Goodnight.
Goodnight, Phil.
[Screams.]
Hey! Robbie.
I got your call.
Is there a problem? [Sighs.]
Phil This is the toughest part of the business.
You know, telling agents that you're not gonna go with them.
So as my new agent, you're gonna do it for me.
Really? Congratulations.
Ha! Robbie! [Laughing wildly.]
I'll never do that again.
Hey, man, you and I, we're gonna make a lot of money together.
Oh, you've already come through for me with Holly.
Yeah, she's great, isn't she? Oh, she's perfect.
And once I close, I'll be setting a new record.
My first six-footer.
What? Oh, it's a little game that me and the other jockeys play.
You know, who can nail the tallest chick.
Holly is gonna put me at the top of the leader board.
Thanks, buddy.
[Silent.]
Hey, Phil.
What's up? Once again, Edna437 is the high bidder.
Looks like grandma found the credit card.
Hey.
What do you know? Edna has a little competition.
Clocklover just went up to $275.
Oh, I love it when the bidding heats up.
It's better than sex.
Plus, nobody cries after.
[Sighs.]
Oh, I gotta stretch my legs.
Oh, God.
How do you sit on that couch for so long? The lutzes are a sedentary people.
I was nine before I saw my grandfather stand.
My login Edna437.
Enter bid.
$300.
Done.
Hey, Stuart.
What's up? Not much.
Isn't that, uh, isn't that the way you want it? Uh, you say, "what's up?" I say, "not much.
" And then we read.
Aren't you gonna ask me what's up? Oh, uh, all right.
Uh, what's up, Phil? I signed the jockey.
Hey, congratulations! Yeah, I feel great about it.
Why are you looking at me like something's wrong? Nothing's wrong.
Here's the deal.
I just found out that our jockey kinda has this little contest about who can sleep with the tallest woman with his other little jockey buddies.
That's the only reason he's seeing Holly.
See? I knew you'd get all up in my face about this, man.
Look, she's having a good time.
He's having a good time.
Everyone walks away having a good time.
It's not like she's in love with the guy.
Stuart, don't give me that "who are you trying to convince" look.
See, this is why we never talk.
'Cause you don't know when to shut up! I can't sit on this couch one more minute.
I'm going to my bedroom and sit down.
[Knock at door.]
Come in.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How do you like my my new dress? I bought it for my date with Robbie tonight.
Tonight? He's coming over tonight? Yeah.
If he plays his cards right, he might end up in the winner's circle.
Okay, but the important thing is, you're having fun in a nothing-serious, everyone-walks-away, friends kinda way, right? Actually, I don't know how quick I'm gonna be walking away from this one.
I mean, I've had the best time the last few days.
And you know how I've kind of been a little gun-shy about dating ever since the engagement blew up in my face, so But Robbie's just he's kind of renewed my faith in men.
And I have you to thank, Phil.
So thank you so much.
Bye.
Would you get off my back?! Oh, it's an amazing feeling.
Oh.
You're on top of this graceful thoroughbred, the blood coursing through your body as you ride her into the stretch, gently stroking her to the finish.
And if you know what you're doing, you can control her with the slightest touch of your hand.
You sound like a really good rider.
[Knock at door.]
Go away! [Knocking continues.]
Excuse me.
[Clears throat.]
What? Is this a bad time? Oh, it's the worst.
Okay, well, I won't be long.
I just need a little Robbie time.
Oh, so do I.
I need it way more than you do.
Hey, Phil.
What's going on? We're kinda busy here.
Hey, Robbie.
How you doing, man? I just got some business I need to discuss with you.
Alone.
That's fine.
Take all the time you need.
[Silent.]
So what's going on, Phil? I mean, what do you got for me that's better than what she's got for me? Okay, here's the deal.
You know that game that you and your jockey buddies play about who could sleep with the tallest woman? Holly really likes you.
And I don't want to see her get hurt.
She's a good friend of mine, so I kinda need you not to do this.
Yeah, well, you kinda have our relationship backwards.
You don't tell me what to do.
I tell you.
So let's practice.
I tell you, "get out," and you leave.
Knock, knock.
Is it okay to come back in? Oh, it's all clear.
I think our business is done, right, Phil? Great.
Well, Robbie, listen.
Why don't you take the wine and go into the bedroom? Make yourself comfortable, and I'll join you in one sec.
Sounds good.
Okay.
- Holly, I need to talk to you.
- It's gonna have to wait.
And you're gonna have to let yourself out, sweetie.
- Okay, it can't wait.
- You don't understand.
I have a gentleman in my boudoir, and I'm about to show him some moves that are gonna rock his world.
Hey! Hey, hey! What what the hell are you doing?! I have a confession to make.
I heard every little word that came out of your little mouth.
That's right, I said little.
Little, little, little! Little! Now go! What am I supposed to do about clothes? Annnnd they're off! That could've gone better.
Holly, you gotta believe me.
I had no idea he was like that.
That makes two of us.
Oh, God, how could I have been so stupid? You weren't stupid.
You were Hopeful.
Holly, you can't let that guy make you lose your faith in men.
There's still some good guys out there.
I know.
You.
Thanks for coming to my rescue.
Pretty weird contest that little dude was into, huh? Yeah, that's some sick stuff.
Although he would've been my shortest.
Hey, you're back from the post office so soon? Yep.
Clocks are all shipped.
Hm-hm, gone to Edna.
Huh.
Yeah, we did good.
We made a good team, buddy.
Yep, great team.
Oh.
Yeah, you got rid of all the clocks.
Stuart.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, well, you know, when it's time to move on, it's time.
[Cuckoo.]
What was that noise? What clock? I didn't hear anything.
No, I didn't say clock.
I said noise.
You said clock.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
You said clock.
Well, what's the difference who said what? The important thing is we're here.
We're together.
And every day brings us closer to a cure.
[Cuckoo.]
They're in there! They're all in there! You didn't ship one clock.
You know what this is gonna do to my seller's rating? Not to mention ripping off Edna.
Oh, you idiot.
He is Edna.
He's obviously been buying back his own clocks.
Okay, all right, all right.
Yes.
I-I bought them all back, okay? I thought I could sell them, but I couldn't.
Those clocks are all I have left of my life with Lorna.
If I sold them, it would be like my marriage never existed.
Why didn't you just tell us how you felt? Because I'm the new guy.
I don't want to let you guys down.
And and, you know, I wanted to prove that I-I was strong enough and tough enough to be my own man.
So you named yourself Edna? Stuart, you didn't let any of us down.
You let me down.
I let you into my life.
We sat side by side on that couch for days, and the whole time you were betraying me.
Here's 50 bucks.
- Okay, we're good.
- Yeah.
I don't know about you, but I could use a little drink.
- Don't say little.
- Oh.