The Flintstones (1960) s01e02 Episode Script

When the saints come marchin'in Oh, when the saints come marchin'in Yeah, I want to be in that number When the saints come marchin'in Gentlemen, I now declare this meeting of the Loyal Order of Dinosaurs adjourned.
Motion seconded.
- All in favor, say "aye.
" - Aye! - Good meeting tonight, Barney? - Yeah, Fred.
We're all set for our annual benefit show next week.
Yeah.
There's one thing that bothers me, Barney.
- What's that, Fred? - We're all supposed to do a solo act, right? - Right.
- And every year I get up and sing, right? If you wanna call it that.
This year I'd like to do something different.
Your singing is different, Fred.
Funny.
Very funny.
And what are you gonna do, funnyman? - Crack jokes? - No, but I'll think of something.
I don't get it.
A no-talent guy like you isn't worried, and I am.
I got something up my sleeve.
The only thing you got up your sleeve is your arm.
You're sore because I have an idea and you haven't.
Oh, yeah? I'll figure out an act that's better than yours.
Could be, Fred, could be.
Good night.
"Could be, Fred, could be.
" I don't know why I stay friends with that guy.
Come on, Fred.
You've been brooding about that show for two days now.
Why don't you just sing a song and let it go at that? Yeah, maybe you're right.
Fellas will probably be disappointed if I don't.
After all, Wilma, you know I used to sing with a band - before I married you.
- Before I married you.
Yes, I know, Fred.
You've told me a thousand times that you sang with the Rockville Center high school band 20 years ago.
I can still hit the old high notes.
Listen.
Do-re- mi-fa-so-la-ti-do Fred, stop it! Take that sea-lion voice of yours out of the house.
Out! Women.
No musical appreciation at all.
- Hi, Fred.
What's new? - Nothing new.
Same old trouble.
Wilma won't let me sing in the house.
You got a pretty loud voice, Fred.
Can't say I blame her.
Barney, what are you doing? I'm practicing my trampoline act for the show.
How do you like it, Fred? Say, that's all right.
- How about letting me try it? - Hold it, Fred.
Don't jump off the fence.
No, no, wait! Fred, you okay? I'm getting back on that thing and master it.
Attaboy, Fred.
Now you got the hang of it.
These trampolines are all right.
Do me a favor, Barney.
- Let me borrow it for a while.
- Borrow it? What for? I'm supposed to meet Wilma at her dressmaker's shop.
It's up on the second floor, and just for a laugh I'd like to bounce in on her.
I'll bring it right back.
Okay, Fred.
But bring it right back.
Oh, boy.
Won't Wilma be surprised when she sees me in the window.
This is my latest creation, Wilma.
How do you like it? - It's just gorgeous.
- It is genuine spotted leopard.
- Shall I have Zsa-Zsa model it for you? - Yes.
Do you mind, Zsa-Zsa? Not at all, madam.
It will only take me a minute to change and I will be right out.
There's a man at the window.
Call the police! A man? Lmpossible.
- But we are on the second floor.
- Just a minute.
I'll take a look.
Boy, how embarrassing.
I can't stop bouncing.
Just as I thought.
There's no man at the window.
It's just your imagination.
Hiya, Wilma.
Of all the dumb tricks you've ever pulled that trampoline business takes the cake.
I've never been so humiliated.
And when I had to explain that you were just trying to be funny I could have frozen to death from the cold stares I got.
Fred, are you listening to me? Oh, that man.
Fred Flintstone, I'm talking to you.
What in the world are you doing? And where did you get all that junk? Junk? "Junk," she says.
This junk, as you call it happens to belong to the world's greatest magician: Rockstone the Great.
- Does that ring a bell? - No.
But if you don't get that junk out of the house, I'll wring your neck.
For your information, Mr.
Rockstone loaned me this equipment and I am going to do a magic act for the annual show.
But you don't know anything about magic.
Oh, no? Watch.
- You see this egg, Wilma? - Of course I see it.
Okay, now you see it.
And now you don't.
Where is it, Wilma? Right here, Fred.
Very droll.
Watch this, Wilma, the hand is quicker than the eye.
Fred, don't you dare pull that tablecloth.
That does it.
The hand is quicker than the eye? - Now get that junk out of here.
- Okay, Wilma.
Come in.
- Hello, Fred.
Anything wrong? - We heard a crash.
- What happened, Wilma? - Nothing serious, Betty.
Come on in.
- What's Fred doing with the funny hat? - Trying to be funny.
What's this thing, Fred? That, Barney, is part of my magic act which, by special request I am not going to do.
- What's it supposed to be? - That is a disappearing cabinet.
Anyone goes in there, I make them disappear.
- Like your disappearing egg? - Okay, laugh.
I'll show you it'll work.
Get in the cabinet, Barney.
Who me? I'm afraid of the dark.
- Show me, Fred.
I'll get in the cabinet.
- Me, too, just for laughs.
Okay, girls.
I'm gonna shut the door now.
You all set? Go ahead, Fred.
We're ready.
Now, let's see.
What were those magic words again? Look, Wilma.
There's another door in the back of the cabinet.
Let's go along with the gag, Betty.
We'll sneak out and hide in the bedroom.
And Fred will think he made us disappear.
Quiet.
I got it, Barney.
Alakazam! Alakazoo! You won't come back until I tell you to.
Now, we open the door.
Barney, look.
- They're gone.
- It worked.
- They disappeared.
- Gee, Fred, that's amazing.
- Now bring them back.
- Bring them back? - Now, Barney, let's not be too hasty.
- What do you mean, Fred? - They disappeared, right? - Right.
They can't come out till I say the magic word, right? Right.
That could give us an evening out, and they'd never know about it.
Right? What will we do, Fred? Go bowling, see a movie, the fights? No, none of those things, Barney-boy.
I got a great idea.
Something different.
Yeah? I'm listening.
We're gonna go to the Rockland Dance Hall.
The Rockland Dance Hall? That is different.
Stand aside, Betty.
I'll rock him good.
No, Wilma.
Let them go.
I got a better idea.
There ought to be one of these little boxes in every home.
It could replace the dog as man's best friend.
Yeah, you said it, Fred.
Let's go, Barney-boy.
They're gone.
And what's a better idea than hospitalizing them? We'll go down to the Rockland Dance Hall and catch them red-handed.
Okay, then we'll hospitalize them.
Look, we'll dress up in the costumes we made for the annual lodge ball so they won't recognize us.
- Say, this is gonna be fun.
- Right.
Meet you in 10 minutes.
I don't know why I'm going to the dance hall, Fred.
I can't dance.
Who said anything about dancing, Barney? I wanna hear the band.
Hot Lips Hannigan is playing there.
Hot Lips Hannigan! Oh, boy, I like him.
The sweetest music this side of Birdland.
You know something? I used to sing with the old H.
L.
When he had the high school band.
- No kidding? What happened? - Wilma happened.
She objected to me being out all night.
Yeah, I guess some wives are like that.
- How do I look as a blonde, Wilma? - Real beat, man.
- Like far-out.
- Let's get started.
- They must be almost there.
- Lead me to the scene, chick.
Listen to the joint jump, Fred.
Boy, old Hot Lips is sure in the groove tonight.
Attaboy, Hot Lips.
Encore! Thanks, cats.
There'll be more, like, later.
Hot Lips, remember me? Did some disciple, like address the leader? Over here, H.
L.
It's me, Fred Flintstone.
Freddie, for goodness' sake! How are you, boy? Long time, no see.
Put on a little weight since you got out of high school, I see.
Yeah.
This is my friend, Barney Rubble.
He's one of us.
I hardly knew you in that get-up, H.
L.
You look so weird.
Isn't it awful what you have to do to stay in the band business today? Everything's a gimmick.
But I can't quit.
Two kids in college, a new split-level house and these modern songs.
They don't make sense.
The old songs had heart.
They meant something.
- Yeah.
- Like, Three ltty-bitties Want Some Seafood, Mama, and Bie Mir Bis Du Schoen - with bubbles all over the place.
- Yeah.
And Red Hot Mamma, You Gotta Turn Your Damper Down Annie Doesn't Live Here Any More - Mamma Loves Papa - No, stop it, Freddie-boy.
- You're steaming up my glasses.
- Like you said, H.
L they don't write songs like that anymore.
For old times' sake will you sing one of the old songs? Shucks, H.
L.
- These kids wouldn't like that old stuff.
- Sing it for me, Fred.
A sort of musical sentimental journey for an old pal.
How about Number 42 from the old book? That gets me right here, Fred.
Can Barney sit in, too? He's pretty good on the drums.
Sure.
Shelly, let this cat use your skins for a number.
Right, man.
Hi, all you cats.
I've got a square from way back there who's gonna belt one out for us.
Freddie Flintstone the Golden Smog and on the skins, Barney Rubble to give us trouble.
Oh, boy.
Somebody must've left the gate open at the old folks' home.
Yeah, strictly from prehistoric.
Now the Golden Smog asks the musical question When the saints come marchin'in Oh, when the saints come marchin'in Yeah, I want to be in that number When the saints come marchin'in When the sun refuses to shine Oh, when the sun refuses to shine I want to be in that number When the sun refuses to shine That voice! Sounds familiar, doesn't it, Betty? Sounds more like a hog-calling contest.
Let's go inside.
I thought I recognized that frog voice, Betty.
That's Fred up there, groaning.
And look on the drums, it's Barney! Yeah, man! When the saints come marchin'in Oh, when the saints come marchin'in I want to be in that number When the saints come marchin'in When the saints come marchin'in When those saints come marchin'in - Those cats are pretty cool.
- Yeah, I dig it, man.
That voice! And those saints go marchin'in When those saints go marchin'in I want to be in that number When those saints go marchin'in That drummer man! Wilma, what's going on? I don't know, Betty.
But the Golden Smog seems to be a hit with these kids.
When the saints come marchin'in Marchin'! How about that, cats? Come on, Betty.
We'd better latch on to our husbands, or we'll never get them back.
- Hurry, before those kids tear us apart.
- You're not kidding.
Let's get out of here.
Golden Smog, come in here, quick.
We'll save you.
Thanks, lady.
- You saved our lives.
- Think nothing of it, Big Daddy.
You're my type.
You're the most.
I dig that Golden Smog.
Man, like, can you beat those skins.
Skins? Yeah.
We'll make, like, real music together, cat.
I don't know about that.
I'll have to ask Betty.
Betty, she's out of the scene.
She don't make it, like.
I mean, like, way-out.
But, madam, I Come on, Big Daddy.
Spread some of that Golden Smog on my ears.
Wait a minute, lady.
I got a wife.
I bet she doesn't understand you.
She understands me, but she wouldn't understand you! Let's scram out of here.
Hot Lips! You gotta help us.
There were two girls after us.
They won't leave us alone.
Okay, Fred, you beat it.
I'll sidetrack them.
It's crazy, but I'm an idol around here.
When Hot Lips talks to them, they forget everybody else.
- Wait for us, Big Daddy.
- Here they come.
Contact.
There's some contact for you, you old goat-face.
Every once in a while, a moment of truth.
Faster, Fred.
Faster! That'll teach them a lesson.
Now, let's get back to the house before they get there.
- Boy, that was close.
- And how.
If Wilma and Betty ever found out about this, they'd have our scalps.
Barney-boy, stop your worrying.
I made them disappear, remember? But after I bring them back, I'm returning all that magic stuff.
Good.
It's dangerous, real dangerous.
Now, let me see.
How does it work? - Gosh, Fred, don't tell me you forgot? - I got it.
Whether you're near or whether you're far come out, come out wherever you are.
Big Daddy-o, you forgot to take us with you.
Did you bring your skins, drummer boy? Run, Barney, run! They're in the closet.
Now, let's get out of these costumes, quick.
- Hear anything, Fred? - Not a sound.
Take a peek.
See if they're gone.
The coast is clear, Barney.
We can come out now.
Wow, they must've got discouraged and gone home.
Wow, if our wives ever caught us with those What's the matter with you? Lxnay, ixnay! Caught you with who, Fred? Come on, Fred, speak to me.
Who am I? - You're Benny? - No.
Billy? It's you, Barney.
Wilma, Fred's coming out of it.
- Did Wilma and Betty see those two girls? - No, they don't know a thing.
He'll be all right, Wilma.
Just let him rest for a while.
I will, Barney, and thanks.
- Good night, Wilma.
- Good night, Betty.
Wilma, I'm hungry.
How about fixing me up a little snack? Fred, what are you doing up out of bed? There's nothing wrong with me.
By the way, how did you like that disappearing trick, Wilma? Pretty good? The most, man.
Like way-out.
I mean I think I'll lie down again, Wilma and just skip the little snack.
I don't feel so good.
Not good at all.
Come on, Wilma, open this door!