The Franchise (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
MEDITATION GUIDE: (OVER SPEAKER)
Now allow your mind and body
to be still as we take
a purifying breath in
- (INHALES)
- GUIDE: and out.
(TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING)
GUIDE: And again, calming breath in
releasing out.
- One more breath in
- (CELL PHONE BUZZING)
GUIDE: and out.
Allow any tensions in your body to
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- What?
JAZ: Dan, the new producer
just called an emergency meeting.
Emergency meeting is in 25 minutes.
Great! Fuck. Terrible. Bye.
- (TRANQUIL MUSIC RESUMES)
- GUIDE: to gently float away
as we go again, in and out.
- Can you feel the tension just melting away?
- (INTENSE MUSIC OVERLAPPING)
- (CAR HORN HONKING)
- (SCREAMS)
God, these scripts are heavy.
Probably because they're so great.
Emergency all-hands. I hope
it's not a firing squad.
Are you worried it's a firing squad?
Literally never crossed my mind.
Smart. Don't overthink it.
Like the script. If
anything, underthink it.
I've seen it a million times, Dag.
Speed up, spend less,
yada. It's just the biz.
The biz. Like short for business.
Did you coin that?
I've literally never heard that before.
Pre-dawn emergency meeting?
Am I to be stripped and flogged
in front of my fucking props department?
And if it's a spanking,
in a breakout room, please.
- Breakout spanking.
- Look, Eric, this is good.
It shows she's invested in
the movie. In your vision.
JAZ: Meeting's cancelled.
New producer just cancelled it.
DANIEL: Sorry, what?
DAG: Mind games. Bravo.
ERIC: What is happening, Daniel?
Guys, it's called ghosting.
Game recognize game?
(CONFUSED CHATTER)
All right, listen up.
(CHATTER STOPS)
DANIEL: Do not panic.
It's a stunt day, big technical day,
and we're gonna execute this
and show her how good we are.
We're craftspeople, our
director's a visionary.
Forward cinema!
- (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
Should we be clapping?
Stephanie, bring my buggy around.
And arrange me a rapid response haircut.
This is serious.
Dan, would now be a good time
to talk about career progressions?
Everything's exploding
at a million miles an hour
and the movie is a scrotum
resting on a razor's edge.
Got it. So maybe like in an hour?
Daniel. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, what's happening?
It's all good, mate. It's all good.
Great, mate, great. What's happening?
Yeah, no, it's all great.
We're just forwards.
Yeah, but what is happening?
Like literally, what is happening?
New producer, are we being X-rayed?
Absolutely not.
Because X-ray shows up something weird,
you cut out the tumor,
and you replace it with Kit Harington.
- Or one of the Skarsgårds.
- Which one?
- I don't mind.
- DANIEL: Adam, mate, this is not about you.
It has nothing to do with my body shape?
I know I Dorito-ed myself.
Dorito-ed myself, bigger on top,
tapering down to a skinnier leg.
But please tell our new producer
that I am prioritizing
squats and lunges.
Dude, the studio loves your legs.
Oh, high fives for that guy's thighs.
Great, 'cause don't believe
everything you read online,
especially WikiLegs.
- Do not look up that site.
- Morning, cunts.
- Hello.
- Headlamps on,
ready for another day
down the gold mine.
Yes, Peter. All right, let's go. Okay.
Poor pathetic little
prick. Holding it together,
but he knows.
New producer airdrops in.
He's auditioning for
his job. You all are.
But obviously not me.
I'm just number two.
Call sheet and my mother agree.
I'm second best. See you
out there, number one.
Just so you're hearing it
so that you've heard it,
new producer is cancelling
80 of our Moss Men for today.
DAG: Mind games part two. Boom.
Uh, okay. She's sending a message.
How much can we take before we squeal?
Scrooge McFuck.
So how many extras do we have
for the big crowd shot now?
- Five.
- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
Eric's not gonna like that.
I'm not gonna like
that. I don't like that.
Great. I'll let the trades know.
Rude.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
(BELL RINGING)
Stunt day! All eyeballs on me.
Will he make it? Will he cave?
Will an actual man die?
Yes, no, and no.
Everyone's freaking out, Dag.
Watch as I neutralize the mass panic.
Xanax Man.
I'm being asked to
remind you, Peter's spine.
He's only good for three
launches, contractually.
Okay, three goes!
Peter's spine is good for three goes.
Peter's spinal X-rays, if that helps.
It doesn't. Back in
your box, please, Bryson.
Eric, sir.
Loving the haircut. A
sharp cut for a sharp mind.
Daniel, I stayed up till 5:00 a.m.
redrawing storyboards
for the Jackhammer escape.
Eric, don't panic. We're
going to hold the course.
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
"A crowd of Moss People
stretch to the horizon."
Daniel, I have five.
- And it's bullshit.
- I'll make it work, okay?
I'm going to make a crowd
of five look like 5,000.
Loaves and fishes, but for people.
- Loaves and people.
- Very nice.
"The director's cut."
It's funnier every time.
Thank you, Stephanie.
Hello. Number two
checking in for business.
So how are you up on
the wires, number one?
(GROANS) Wonderful. Thank you, Peter.
Because one can look
flaccid if one's not careful,
bobbing around like astronaut cock.
Well, my movement coach is from Zagreb's
- foremost ballet, so
- How many ballets do they have?
Uh
Ready?
Uh, question on Mollusk Man.
It's five minutes each
time he needs the bathroom.
So we could fit him with
a bag or we do the diaper.
- Diaper?
- JAKY: Nappy. The adult nappy.
We've checked and they do
come in his size from Belgium.
- Big, big diaper.
- Sounds like my kind of diaper.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Less comfortable and it will limit
his range of movement,
especially when sodden.
Plus only a 300-dollar saving.
Less pleasant for all
involved, the diaper, no?
It's a saving in terms of playing ball.
Shows we're not afraid to
make the tough decisions.
For labor reasons,
Shane can't know about the
diaper but off the record
Okay, let's have him diapered.
Happy to nappy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
"I'm ready for my diaper, Mr. DeMille."
(LAUGHS) Very good.
- Okay, stunt rehearsal.
- Yeah.
Stunt rehearsal,
everyone on their A-game.
Remember we are top-drawer
professionals, thank you.
- ADAM: Let's do it!
- Eric, sir.
Okay. And so
"The Jackhammer Escape." Moss Men swarm.
Tecto produces his Invisible Jackhammer
and both of you blast off to freedom.
Running in the Invisible Jackhammer.
(GASPS SOFTLY) Two words, no words.
Third word, wow.
- (EXHALES SHARPLY)
- (KNOCKING)
ADAM: Great. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
My God, I am so blessed.
Front row seats for the
Invisible Jackhammer.
Standing here, watching you jacking off.
Yeah. Uh, do do you
have the concept art?
Absolutely.
Great, and how how
invisible is this thing?
It's totally invisible.
Obviously, you will see it.
Okay, I got it.
I'm sorry, I don't got it. Um
It's like an air wobble.
It would be nothing, but solid, yes?
Okay, no, no.
It's the outline, like glass.
Yes, but is glass invisible?
My dog once walked into a
patio door, if that helps.
Is it okay?
PETER: Shh, quiet, please.
Number one is pretending
to be on a drill,
which is invisible.
Hey, props.
Props, can I have my
Tecto Sonic Blockers?
JAZ: Locating Sonic Blockers.
CREW: Locating Sonic Blockers!
Are you sure about this?
- The Invisible Jackhammer?
- (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
I thought it would look
cool, but it doesn't.
Well, that's invaluable input,
Mr. Spielberg. Thank you.
Running in Sonic Blockers.
Thanks.
I'm going to say something. Excuse me?
I will genuinely incapacitate you.
Yeah, just need a second with it.
- ERIC: Yeah, the hair.
- Hair.
- ERIC: Fix the hair.
- Hair. Fix the hair.
JAZ: Fixing the hair.
If they're doing something wrong,
surely we have to say.
No, Dag, we don't have an opinion, okay?
We just keep the trains running.
Who cares what's on them?
Potatoes, Christmas presents.
Dissidents, trafficked children.
That's not what it is though, is it?
Ours is not to reason why, Dag.
Can I at least have some headphones
- so that I can hear?
- Headphones?
- Are you for fucking real?
- JAZ: Still fixing the hair.
I didn't get my first pair
of headphones for six years.
Okay.
DANIEL: You see Mike, the gaffer?
He worked on Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Hasn't heard a single word
of dialogue his entire career.
Well, that's sad.
- Poor Mike.
- Yeah, well,
it's heartbreaking, but it's the biz.
- JAZ: Hair's fixed.
- CREW: Hair's fixed.
DANIEL: Okay, stunt rehearsal!
"Surrounded on all sides,
Tecto activates his
Invisible Jackhammer,
drilling down into the earth."
- (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- (GRUNTS)
(IMITATES JACKHAMMER)
"Tecto grabs Eye,
and the force shoots them
into the air like a rocket."
Cue Moss Men and action stunt!
ADAM: It's hammer time!
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- (MACHINE WHIRRING)
ADAM: Warp speed, baby!
- PETER: What are you doing?
- ADAM: No one called "cut."
Not for me to say, but
shouldn't that be faster?
- Shane is expecting warp speed.
- ERIC: Okay, cut!
JAZ: The winch has to roll itself out,
15 meters to go.
PETER: I've been in
motorized bath chairs
faster than this.
ADAM: Eric! Hey, Eric! Any notes for me?
So, I've been talking to Chris.
Did I tell you that I've
been talking to Chris?
Couple of times, yeah, yeah.
It's very cool how you're
friends with him now.
He writes me these beautiful letters.
Longhand.
Chris, always Chris, never Christopher.
- Chris Nolan.
- Wow, that's great for you.
So great, anyway.
Yeah, well, my point is
how would Chris make sense
of the Invisible Jackhammer?
So yes. I want this. This here.
Talk to our new producer,
get me my 80 extras, or
I will not shoot, yeah?
(SIGHS) So tough, isn't it? The biz.
Dag, I'm going to get
this stunt if it kills me
and everyone involved
in this production.
Dan, I've got Health and Safety for you.
Welcome! Thank you, Health and Safety.
Onwards, with caution. (CLEARS THROAT)
JAZ: Adam's gone back to his trailer.
DANIEL: Course he
has. Send in Xanax Man.
Adam, sir.
- Hey.
- DANIEL: We need you back on set, mate.
What's up? Just give me a second.
Yeah.
Um, will you just be straight with me?
Do you buy me as a guy who
can make earthquakes happen?
Earthquakes, yes.
Absolutely.
Absolutely, 100 percent, okay?
All right?
We done? Cool.
It's just so wild, you know,
I gave up my dog to be here.
- Like a top-of-the-line dog.
- Oh, really? Top-of-the-line?
Yeah. I just (SIGHS)
I need you to be real with me.
Like, as a as a friend.
One of my closest friends, actually.
Oh, Adam, I'm I'm flattered.
What do you think? Like,
really, really think
about the Invisible Jackhammer?
Honestly, I think
the Invisible Jackhammer
is fucking badass.
DANIEL: Mm. Mm-hmm.
I'm not gonna look like
an asshole up there?
DANIEL: No, look.
I feel fucking excellent. Okay?
Anyone can do fucking Ibsen.
When you're flying through the air
on a jackhammer made of sound waves,
- you look awesome.
- Really?
You look brilliant. You're a genius.
In my opinion, the greatest
actor who ever lived.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Uh
No, I'm not. Like (SCOFFS)
Don't make me repeat
myself because I won't.
It's just Peter. He's fucking with me.
He's fucking with my head. It's like
He's trying to undermine me
in front of the new producer.
It's, like, maybe the call sheet thing,
or 'cause I'm number one
and he doesn't like it?
You know, he's making faces,
unscripted faces, and like
DANIEL: Okay, I'm gonna
talk to him. I will.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.
You're so good at your job.
You know, I might have lost a dog,
but I think I gained one too.
Oh, me? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Woof, woof.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Yeah. All right.
Daniel the Spaniel! (CHUCKLES)
Thanks.
Oh, don't mind me. I'm just
poking through your stuff.
If that's cool.
Movies, movies, movies.
Someone's a movie buff.
Shrink wrap?
Yeah, well, one day
when all this is done,
maybe I'll get to listen
to the director's commentary
on Eraserhead.
DAG: My God, dare to dream.
Okay, I've got a question for you.
Have you ever thought,
"Am I killing cinema?"
Genuinely never thought about it.
DAG: Because the, uh,
Invisible Jackhammer
got me thinking, what if you are?
What if this isn't a dream factory?
What if it's an abattoir, you know?
And we've all got blood on our hands
and fatty tissue on our faces
and we're sat here, you
know, eating sandwiches?
Dag, can you just stop talking?
Peck, peck, pecking away
like a fucking question chicken, okay?
I'm happy to share my
valuable industry insights
and years of accumulated
wisdom, but I just
Sorry for shouting. I
just need to figure out
how I'm going to execute this stunt
before I lose my job.
Sorry. Thank you, I'm sorry.
I filled up your water bottle.
Well, that's really nice.
And you've made me look like a prick.
Sorry.
Look, you seem really smart.
You're here now.
We're going to be working
together. That's great.
I just need you to use
your initiative, yeah?
Anita's got everyone panicked.
Like dogs in a washing machine.
Mm. Crazy idea. Why don't
you go and talk to her?
(CHUCKLES)
(SMACKS LIPS) Oh.
Bit of fun.
Yeah, that was Jim. Third AD before you.
He threw that up there
before he killed himself.
(LAUGHS)
DANIEL: You know what? Fuck it.
ANITA: Enter.
Dan, hi. Good to see you.
Um
Um
- Eric wants his Moss
- I'm so sorry about this morning.
The emergency meeting, the no-show.
Hope it didn't bump.
Nah, nah. Barely noticed really.
- Cool beans.
- ANITA: Great. Uh,
and I just wanted to make
sure things aren't gonna be
- weird between us.
- Anita, why would they be weird?
Because we were fucking
pretty successfully
for about six months and
then I started fucking
a very famous Australian
actor behind your back
and now I'm your boss?
I mean, I don't I don't even
think about that stuff anymore.
Phew! (LAUGHS) What
a relief, because, um,
I may need to ream you
out in front of everyone.
Well, you can't shout at the director,
so hit this bitch, right?
- Yeah, a hanging in the town square.
- A hanging. A hanging?
A beating. A flogging. A
- forensic crucifixion.
- Could we settle on a metaphor?
It serves two purposes.
One, spreads fear. Yum.
- Two, it buries the lede about you and me.
- Okay, sure.
Because it would be very
bad if people knew we were
Yeah, it's all right. You can burn me.
I'm a human sacrifice.
I'm the Wicker Man!
Wicker Dan!
Is that shitty? Is that bad friending?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Um
- (CHUCKLES)
- Okay, look.
I need something in return.
Spread your fear, but I
need to sprinkle some hope.
Eric is demanding his Moss Men back.
Hm. Can't do it, Daniel.
Need to show strength.
But I will grab you for the hanging.
Yeah? Cool beans?
- Yes. The coolest of beans.
- ANITA: Hm.
DANIEL: Very fucking uncool beans, Dag.
I'm about to get hung out to dry.
Peter, sir? Do me a favor.
Um, can you go easy on Adam?
Oh my God. Have I done
something to upset him?
Christ, what a mess.
If there's anything I can do
in terms of the call sheet?
Call sheet? Please.
Not on my account. I'm
very low maintenance.
Now get that through your
thick fucking skull, Daniel.
Dan, new producer's asking
if this could be a good time
- to tear you a new one?
- Um
Could she maybe not in
front of the crewmen?
Because they once saw
me applying hand lotion.
and, um, it didn't end well.
ANITA: Okay, where's my first AD?
DANIEL: Happening anyway.
Hi, Daniel, nice to meet you.
Uh, can I just ask why
the fuck aren't we rolling?
- DANIEL: Um
- ANITA: Oh, Eric! Maestro, come on over!
I'm just trying to figure
out why your first AD here
is not taking care of you.
Ah. (CLICKS TONGUE) Please go ahead.
ANITA: So, your director
is talking to the actors
for 52 minutes on
average before take one.
- ERIC: Yes, I am.
- ANITA: No disrespect to Eric, who we love,
but you should not be allowing
him to do that much talking.
I need boundaries, Daniel.
Boundaries so he can knock them down.
- Thank you, Steph.
- If this is a pile-on, I should dial Shane.
Eleven setups per day,
which he will ask for
- because he's a visionary.
- No, please.
I'm sorry, but what the
fuck are you thinking?
BRYSON: Shane, hi.
Shellacking the first AD.
ANITA: You need to start
running things, Daniel.
It can feel a little
sloppy here sometimes.
DAG: It does sound like a lot of setups
- when you hear it out loud.
- DANIEL: Yeah, cheers, Dag.
ANITA: What the fuck are you doing?
BRYSON: Pat, sir? We're
apportioning blame over here.
DAG: Oh no, now the angry man's coming.
Dinner and a show, don't mind if I do.
- You fucked up, son, and now you gotta eat it.
- PAT: Oh-ho-ho!
ANITA: You need to be riding
this man like a stallion.
- Like a stallion.
- DAG: Ride him like a stallion.
But ride gently, okay?
And when you beat
him, carrot, not stick.
- (FORCED LAUGH)
- Hey, this isn't a witch hunt.
Well, I want to know why
it's not a witch hunt,
- and who can we blame?
- DANIEL: Funny.
ANITA: But hey, big stunt today.
Excited to see what you got.
- Right, Pat?
- PAT: That's right.
Yeah. Tick-tock. Clock is ticking.
BRYSON: Yes, sir.
Daniel Kumar, first AD.
Possible subject of a witch hunt.
K-U-M-A-R.
So sorry for weighing in.
It was just a very infectious energy.
Well, I'm glad you had fun.
Now I just have to execute
with everyone watching me
or I could lose my job
or someone might die.
Okay, folks, game faces!
Positions, positions, positions!
- Keep saying positions. Show me.
- Positions, positions.
Heels up in three, two, one.
- DAG: Positions. Positions.
- DANIEL: Go.
No. Shit. That has to
work. Okay, two goes.
Peter's spine can only do two more goes.
Sam. Do me a favor. Peter's
feeling quite frisky.
Let's keep him on a
tight leash. Thank you.
Daniel, I found Jamie VFX.
Jamie, pixel wizard,
how are you holding up?
I'm in the tunnel.
My wife said it's like I've
been dead for three months.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, listen.
Can we VFX 80 Moss Men?
Insanely expensive, it'll look shit,
and the additional workload
might actually kill me.
But you could actually do it?
- I mean
- Yes! Thank you, Jamie.
- JAZ: This way, Jamie.
- DANIEL: Good to see you.
Eric, VFX can tile your Moss Men,
you'll get your crowd, pinky promise,
- can we just shoot?
- DAG: Positions, positions
Okay. Thank you! Positions, positions.
- Almost ready, folks.
- (FILM CREW CLAMORING)
Almost ready.
PETER: You go telling tales,
and so I'm now the fucking petty one.
(DANIEL CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)
PETER: Why are you jerking me back?
What are you doing?
Just gonna go ten-one.
Quick bathroom break.
JAZ: Mollusk Man going
ten-one behind a rock.
Had a large coffee. Rookie error.
No, that's working. Oh, fabulous.
(GROANS) That is completely absorbed.
Headphones. Who wants headphones?
(CHUCKLES) I know I do.
Lovely. Lovely.
Dag, what the fuck are you doing?
I'm using my initiative.
Maybe if we can all hear,
we'll all be better at our jobs.
Okay. None of these people
can have headphones, okay?
It looks like I'm not in
control of my fucking set.
Sorry, folks. Dan said no headphones.
I think maybe they're
a symbol of authority.
- Sorry, Mike.
- Sorry, Mike. Not the bad guy.
Positions! Can we just roll?
Hey, Dan. Ready? Excited to see.
DANIEL: Excited to see you seeing.
- (BELL RINGING)
- (FILM CREW CHATTERING)
And action!
ADAM: One second, Eric. I
One second, I gotta sneeze.
(SHUDDERS, EXHALES)
Okay, it's gone.
- Okay, I'm ready.
- CREW: We're rolling!
(EXHALES)
Invisible. Jacking it.
- (JACKHAMMER PROP KNOCKING)
- There.
Got it. Got it.
Okay, and
Action!
- (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- (GRUNTS)
DANIEL: Cue Moss Men.
ADAM: It's hammer time! (SNEEZES)
(MUSIC STOPS)
ADAM: Ah, shit. Sneezed.
- Sorry, sorry.
- And cut.
ADAM: Fucking allergies.
Fucking allergies.
- Cut there, thank you.
- (CREW CHATTERING)
- (CLAPBOARD CLAPS)
- ADAM: Er Eric, can we use any of that?
Can we use any of that?
ERIC: No, Adam. Your face
was sneezy and unusable.
PETER: Poor number one. Gosh!
Maybe he's allergic to acting.
BRYSON: Letting Shane know
we still don't have the stunt.
- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.
Not a good look, Dan.
Maybe I should ream you out again?
Anita, look, if I could speak freely?
- Friend level.
- Yeah.
DANIEL: If you want to
turn this movie around,
stop shouting. Focus on the creative.
The studio has lost its way.
These movies are not
hitting the way they used to.
And I need your help.
Yeah, well, Shane's
pulled in all directions,
like an octopus at a square dance.
DANIEL: Exactly. The
Invisible Jackhammer
is the perfect example.
I hated it in the comics.
I hated it in the cartoons.
It's totally ludicrous.
What is it even made of?
Oh, we've got a science
advisor from MIT,
but we broke his spirit
and now he just nods everything through.
If Shane had the
headspace, if he was on it,
if he was here, he'd
say this is fucking dumb
and we should cut it.
Lose it from the movie.
He needs boots on the
ground. He needs us.
I can call him. Direct report.
I can talk to Shane whenever I want.
Yes, that would be amazing.
- Just yank the emergency cord.
- Yank that fucking puppy.
- Save the movie.
- Save the day.
DANIEL: Save the universe.
We should, uh, loop in Eric, though.
- Eric?
- Eric.
- Oh, Eric. Director Eric. Yes.
- Yeah.
Eric!
ERIC: Fuck the Jackhammer.
It was an albatross from the start.
A giant invisible sea bird.
STEPH: It is not now, nor
shall it ever be, hammer time.
Hey, Anita. Heard you were
hoping to connect with Shane.
Thank you, Bryson. I'd like
to speak with him direct.
Okay.
Hey, Shane. Shane?
BRYSON: (OVER PHONE) Hello,
Anita. This is Bryson.
Shane is not available,
but Pat would like to
see you on C stage.
Thank you, of course.
That'd be a delight.
DANIEL: Okay, signal me if
you need backup. I'm here.
- (PIGEONS COOING)
- ANITA: Pat.
PAT: New soundstages for Centurios 2,
our summer tentpole,
and we have an infestation
of fucking pigeons.
Lasers. Just to scare them.
We can't laser the birds
in half, nor do we wish to.
- (CLEARS THROAT) Three o'clock, fire.
- (WINGS FLAPPING)
- ANITA: Pat. Pat, here. Um
- PAT: What?
Do you think I might be
able to talk to Shane direct?
It's about the Invisible Jackhammer.
Shane's just made the
incredibly painful decision
- to mothball The Sister Squad.
- PAT: Production was in chaos.
Writers were being hired
to do pre-writes on rewrites
- that hadn't even come in yet.
- It's canned? The whole movie?
It's like when you have a beautiful dog,
but you have to smash its head
in with a hammer due to, uh
- Circumstances?
- PAT: Exactly, circumstances.
Strategic pivot from way, way upstairs.
Fewer releases.
Seems we gave the fans too much content,
they choked on it. (CHUCKLES)
BRYSON: Hey, Todd,
let's aim for the eyes.
We really need to send a message here.
- ANITA: But I'm okay, right?
- (WINGS FLAPPING)
ANITA: I mean, you know,
in terms of my position?
Well, Anita, you should probably know
Shane's never been a hundred
percent on Tecto.
Excuse me?
Yeah, he got addicted
to announcing stuff.
He went on a hot streak at Comic-Con
and nobody told him no.
- Now, here you are.
- ANITA: But, wait
Todd? Super important that
we get this cleared. If I may?
ANITA: This is on Deadline,
okay? My name is attached.
I turned down Sofia
fucking Coppola to be here.
PAT: Okay. But then
we offered you a salary
you couldn't refuse. You know?
Listen to me. Look at me. Look at me.
We have the utmost confidence in you.
Your movie will be released, okay?
If it's a fucking disaster,
and I strongly feel it will not be,
I want to tell you, on my
honor as a Hollywood producer,
there's no way we'd pin
this on you, okay? No way.
Not how I operate.
- Incredibly reassuring, Pat.
- PAT: Glad to hear it.
(WINGS FLAPPING)
- PAT: Thanks, Anita.
- ANITA: Thanks, Pat.
BRYSON: Boom. That is
a direct and humane hit.
- PAT: Nice.
- BRYSON: (GASPS) The nest.
PAT: Bryson, light it up.
Blind those fucking birdies.
- So, can we lose the Jackhammer?
- The what?
ADAM: It's hammer time!
Whoo! We got it!
- ERIC: Cut!
- ADAM: Fuck you, Ipsen!
- Actually, once the CG is in
- Yeah, I was gonna say, once it's graded
- and you're in the story
- and you've got all the sound effects
- and you'll have the color correct, and
- and all the VFX, and
Yeah, I don't mind it.
- Okay. Happiness, Eric?
- Happiness.
- Happiness.
- Happiness.
Pending Shane's happiness.
Still couldn't hear.
Okay, everyone, we are moving on.
(FILM CREW CHATTERING)
Imagine plummeting to our
deaths. Big news story.
Then we'd see whose
fucking name comes first.
Guys!
Can we go down? My balls
are I can't feel my balls.
I can't feel my balls.
(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)
ANITA: Well, it's done now. Onwards.
I just want this to be a good film.
Smart people working hard.
- Yeah, I think we all want that.
- But like a really good one.
Because when you make
movies like this, but good,
there's nothing better.
Plus, decent gig. Baby needs shoes.
Are we good?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Dan, as
your producer, we are great.
We are in great shape.
- DANIEL: Okay.
- As your friend,
Rome is burning.
Walls are tumbling down and
careers are being destroyed.
Daniel, if you care too much
about this job it will kill you.
We are not at war but we're at war.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHS) Fucking with you.
Yeah. Everything's great.
Nothing to worry about. Night, Dan.
JAZ: Mollusk Man traveling. Can
someone de-rig his diaper? Over.
Ooh, well, that's a wrappy on the nappy.
"I am big. It's the
nappies that got small."
Actually, I've got quite
a long car journey home.
I'll just leave it on.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
INTERVIEWER: What's it
like working with Adam?
(CHUCKLES) Adam?
Adam, he's instinctual,
like a bear or a hog.
And I say this with, you know, respect.
It's like working with a chimpanzee,
which I've done twice, actually,
once with tragic consequences.
Awful story. Bong-Bong was his name.
They caught him one day stealing donuts
from the craft services,
which one must never do.
And so his owner, in
an attempt to chide him,
ended up beating him to
death with an axe handle.
Terrible, terrible, and very messy.
Obviously, there was no chance
of the chimp doing any press
or publicity to promote
the movie after that.
How could he? He was dead.
So in the end, they brought
in a second chimp to do Carson.
Rum-Tum, I think it was.
Anyway, the whole press campaign
was a bit of a washout after that.
I often think that's why
the movie never found an audience.
Screenplay was terrific.
"Do You Take This
Chimp?," it was called.
David Mamet did an uncredited polish.
Bong-Bong.
Oh, I haven't thought about
poor little bugger for 30 years.
(SIGHS) Oh
Or David Mamet, for that matter.
(MUSIC FADES)