The Girl's Guide to Depravity (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Ready, bitch? I'm ready.
What the fuck was that? My nympho neighbor and her horny boyfriend.
I have really thin walls.
Oh my gosh, that's them.
Is it? Yeah, you can hear it.
Oh, my God! That's gross.
Oh! Hey, hey.
God! Yeah! - Really? - Are they for real? Every day, every night.
Hey! What's up? Why do guys like biggies? They don't even bounce.
Here it comes.
Wait for it.
- That's it.
- Holy shit! You rock my world! Thin walls.
Careful! They're gonna pop.
Okay, guess not.
She's hoping.
But why? Why do they have to yell the exact same thing every time they come? Oh, my God! With drew, every single time it was, "oh! Oh! Oh! "Oh, my God! Oh God! Jesus!" Every single time.
I am just using my inside voice.
He never did.
You think they say the exact same thing when they masturbate? God, when I'm masturbating I try and be as quiet as possible.
Even the whirr of my vibrator is too loud.
No.
No.
Don't.
You are not texting Richard again.
He didn't even respond to the last one.
Oh, but maybe he didn't get it.
In the history of texting, no one has ever missed a text when it would lead to hooking up.
There's always a first.
Tyler, back me up.
Love to, can't.
Hah! I get the sense he's with me.
False.
God! Look at you.
You are already sick with textpectation.
This is gonna make it worse.
Oh! Like you're not texting that dirty hot guy you had sex with last week, every other minute.
Actually, I don't have his number and he doesn't have mine.
Thank you very much.
Why don't you text that fuck buddy of yours? Danny? Yeah.
He's been in Thailand for months.
He gets back in, like, 2 weeks.
Oh, my God! He texted me back.
What's it say? "Sorry I missed you the other night.
"I've been out of town.
"Back Sunday, see you sometime this week.
Xo.
" See you sometime this week? Do you think he wants to make plans? Or is he just being friendly? Xo, that means something, right? Uh-huh.
Let me see.
Maybe.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Man, I've never seen you so dickmatized before and by a dick you've never even had.
There's nothing casual about having sex with Richard.
His last 3 girlfriends started as one night stands.
He's like the last relationship guy in Chicago.
He's every girl's wet dream.
What are you gonna do? Stalk him.
And then, you know, my dad's the dog owner so Richard! Sam? Hey! Hi! Sam, this is my neighbor, Morgan.
Hello! So you live here? Yeah.
Weren't you at my party last month? Oh, my God, yes! I totally spaced.
Sorry.
Too much coffee.
You know how that is.
I don't drink coffee.
Oh! Interesting.
I don't either.
It's kind of a lifestyle choice.
Like throwing up after you eat? So, you just got back from Austin? I did.
Yeah! How was your flight? Only mildly annoying.
Oh, did you have to get, like, a pat down or something? No, I didn't.
I bet they, like, totally touch your junk when they searched you.
They didn't search me.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Never mind.
I should put these away.
You wanna come inside? No, that's okay.
You can just put your groceries away.
Um, maybe I'll see you around.
Yeah, we should get a drink sometime.
Yeah, we should.
I'll text you.
Okay, I'll just wait by my phone! No, just kidding.
Better get these inside.
Okay.
Bye.
See ya.
It was a disaster.
Seriously, I've never been such an idiot in front of a guy before.
Not even the time you pissed yourself at tiki tango? Oh, God! I'd forgotten about that.
I haven't, you ruined my snakeskin stilettos.
What am I going to do? Do you know why you pissed yourself? Because I had too many China bombs.
No.
Because you refused to leave that guy's side.
That's how you get the guy.
He asked you to go inside, you go, even if the invite isn't sincere.
There's another girl there, you outlast her, no matter what.
You've got to be the last woman standing.
Doesn't that seem desperate? These rules got sienna nearly every guy she wanted.
You really want to question the master? Lizzie, she's here.
Sam! Why didn't you guys tell me you were doing lunch, I would have joined you.
That's why.
Actually we just finished.
Maybe next time.
Can I get you some coffee or dessert? Pie? Jason wants to get your pie.
Actually, me and my pie were just headed back to work.
Lizzie, call me later.
Jason, nice to see you again.
Yeah, yeah.
That's okay.
Yeah, bye.
So, you couldn't handle a little sexual harassment case on your own, huh? It's a favor for a family friend.
I thought she'd feel more comfortable with a woman present.
I thought you said you were going? That was a good one.
You got me.
Let's go.
So, this took place at the cupcake house on Michigan Avenue.
Can you tell me what happened? It's the manager.
He's been making suggestive comments for a while.
Then the other night, when I was closing, he cornered me in the back and said that he wanted to put his whisk in between my cupcakes.
His whisk? Lame! So, what happened when you reported him? They tried to pay me off.
But when I didn't say yes right away, they fired me.
What we have here is a potential case of sexual harassment and wrongful termination.
It may get a little uncomfortable for you.
I don't want to make any trouble.
Kyra, you can't just lie down and take what they offer, you have to stand up for yourself.
Has anyone else witnessed this harassment? No, I was always working solo when it happened.
What about surveillance video? There are a few cameras but not all the way in the back.
Well, what about other women? Maybe, we can get another woman to come forward with the same complaint.
Everyone I work with is a dude.
Hmmm.
Wish I could say the same.
No evidence, no witnesses, no corroborators, what are we going to do? Catch him in the act.
Oh, yeah.
Wonder woman, cowboy lawyer, how could I forget? Tell me something, why did you become a lawyer? I went on a class trip to the supreme court.
I still remember hearing the call to honor and ethics.
Justice I figured it would be all the wrong reasons.
When you're chasing the money, you've got to get your hands dirty.
Who are you? Get back in the kitchen.
So you have experience with cupcakes? No, but I have strong wrists.
You know, from Playing dice.
We pay minimum wage and we need someone to work the closing shifts.
Can you start tomorrow night? Yup.
All right, see you tomorrow.
Thank you.
Hey, I found it.
According to his status update, Richard and a bunch of guys are headed over to Joey's place tonight.
Oh.
Wanna crash with me? Can't.
Duty calls.
Stupid cupcake house.
He says it's going to be a crazy night ahead.
Also, he just wrote something about d-rose.
Do you think that's a guy or girl? D-rose is a point guard on the bulls.
Oh! He looks so cute in that hoodie.
Fyi.
You're really becoming a master stalker.
Rule number 44, it's not stalking if they tell you where they're going to be.
Good point.
I got it.
Hey, Sam.
What are you doing here? Heard you were having a party.
Let the party begin! Cool, come on in.
Hey guys, the pizza's here.
Just kidding, it's Sam.
What Do you like fantasy football? Yeah? Come and take a seat, come on.
We've got some business to do.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
We've got a couple of team names not taken.
Teabag for 2 is open.
If you want teabag for 2, I mean, you totally take it.
I don't know, that doesn't fit you.
All right, we're picking quarterbacks now.
All I hear is blah, blah, blah.
Throw his football in the end zone but guess what? You're gonna lose again like you did last year.
Okay.
That's all I've got to say.
Okay, I lose one game.
I whooped everybody else's ass last year.
I lose one game and then One game is all it takes.
By one touchdown.
If syvelle Newton had If I had gotten syvelle Newton in the game He likes to talk in ifs, because syvelle Newton wasn't in the game, but if he was in the game that'd be great.
So maybe this season you'll get syvelle Newton.
So, you wanted to see me? Hey, look, it's totally not a big deal but, you know, that was a little bit much.
With the icing.
Oh.
Sorry.
It's just so much harder than I thought.
Look, it's okay, it's just your first day.
It happens.
Well, if I do it again, you can always just Give me a spanking.
That's all right.
I'm not really a big fan of corporal punishment.
So, let's just say, I'll have to take you out of the running for employee of the month.
Oh, damn.
You're loading your team by picking Josh Freeman third.
Whatever, here, I'll show you the importance of Don't give me this shit.
Here, take a hold of that.
I don't wanna look at it.
Oh, you gotta look at my picks, right? I do not want to see it.
"I don't want to see it" as you stare at it.
This loser list, Rick.
All right, Greg, you are up, my friend.
Look at his eyes.
- They sleepy.
- Yeah.
I've been holding this the entire time.
You didn't notice that I was strategizing? I noticed it.
I just realized how dumb it is.
You don't even understand the genius that is on this pad right now.
Cause you didn't progress past first grade? He has a track record and the man can either blow up or implode, I'm willing to take that risk.
Just because you want to pick Peyton Manning You were jealous that I took Peyton Manning.
I'm what? I'm jealous? I think you're jealous.
Where is rich Joey? He had to catch a ride home with one of the other guys but he said to tell you goodbye.
Oh! So, I guess that just leaves you and me.
Yeah.
Just you.
I mean, I could put my pants back on.
I could put my pants back on if The one time I get up to go to the bathroom, all night, and he up and leaves.
I should've just sat there and pissed myself again.
Seriously, like, the cutest guy you've ever seen, and I was totally giving off the vibe, and he wasn't biting at all.
Actually, I think I might like it if he does bite.
What is wrong with men? Nothing at all.
It sounds like you're developing a little cupcake crush on this guy.
Why don't you just take him into the back and get him to lick the icing out of your whatever.
Because I'm there for my client.
I'm trying to get him to sexually harass me, not have sex with me.
How do you think I get most guys to have sex with me? I sexually harass them until they give in.
That's disconcerting.
Whatever works.
I'm gonna tally this up in the back.
Can you lock up? Yeah, sure.
Hey.
I thought you might like to try a taste.
You're funny.
Funny? You think this Is funny? Yeah.
But I like funny.
Hey, do you wanna go out sometime? How about right here, right now? I can't.
I'm your boss.
There are rules about that sort of thing.
Fuck rules.
Wow! I know.
Wow! Oh! We think you should take their offer.
So they can just screw me over and that's it? I'm sorry, I tried.
I couldn't dig up any evidence on Jesse that supports the case.
You mean Johnny, right? Jesse's just the assistant manager.
Oh.
Right, Johnny.
Yeah, of course.
Fine.
Thanks, I guess.
No, wait.
Wait.
Let me keep digging.
There might be a way.
Really? Yeah.
Thank you.
You have something else in mind? No, not yet.
But I will.
I don't lose.
Why'd you become a lawyer? For times like this.
I can't believe I made such a stupid mistake.
At least the guy I gave in to was just delicious.
Then be proud, sister.
At least you got laid.
Hey, you're getting laid.
Isn't Richard supposed to meet you here? Oh, with my luck, he'll have the wrong bar or we'll be forced to evacuate because of a bomb scare.
Or he'd be walking in right now.
Let the games begin.
Hey, sweetie! Hi, babycakes.
Lizzie, right? How you doing? Ow.
Just great, dick.
Cool.
Well.
Sam, you remember my neighbor Morgan, right? Hello.
How could I forget? Come on, let's go grab a booth in the back.
Um, yeah.
I'll just grab some shots.
Are you game? All right, let's do it.
Love one.
What the hell? He brought another girl.
Yeah, but he kissed you and called you sweetie right in front of her.
She's so not with him.
I'm so stupid.
I actually thought for a minute that we might actually have a date or something.
You can take that skinny bitch down.
Just keep drinking and stay to the bitter end.
She may have come with him, but you'll be the one that takes him home.
Okay.
Tyler, Tequila shots.
Really.
No, he does.
Who wants another shot? Hmmm, I do.
Bring it.
Excusez-moi! I was the social chair of my sorority at asu which means, this is only foreplay, bitch.
You've got no chance.
True.
You have fewer brain cells to kill.
But, I have about 20 pounds on you, Rex.
So you might as well take a couple of aspirin and call it a night.
Yeah, more shots.
Whoo! Okay.
I gotta go hit the head.
You better just quit now Fucking lightweight.
I'm back.
Where'd she go? Home.
Oh.
Said she wasn't feeling well.
Guess someone's eyes are bigger than their tolerance.
Mmm-hmm.
So.
So.
You wanna go back to my place? Mmm, let's do it.
This way, my dear.
Am I Tarzan? No.
Not That was kind of Sort of working? Little to the left.
No, no, sorry.
Maybe different? I think I'm too drunk.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, babe.
I think Come lie down next to me.
No, thanks.
I think I'll just stand.