The Great Indian Kapil Show (2024) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Yo!
Come on!
Good evening and welcome
to The Great Indian Kapil Show!
-Kapil! Kapil!
-Kapil! Kapil!
Thank you. Please take your seats.
Archana ji,
there is one thing in our country
that makes everyone sit together
and cheer.
Right, at the bar! "Cheers!"
My dear General Secretary
of the Drunkards' Association
that's not the only cheering
in the world, you know.
-Really?
-I'm talking about cricket.
-Okay!
-Whenever the Indian cricket team plays,
this is how everyone cheers.
India! India!
-India! India!
-India! India!
-India! India!
-India! India!
India! India!
You see?
Cricket is basically a festival in India.
Cricket may have originated in England,
but we've adopted cricket
with all our hearts!
-Yes.
-That's the thing about us.
Be it a foreign game or a foreign girl,
we accept them with open arms.
Earlier, we only had commentary
in Hindi and English.
Now, it's available in every language.
It's available in Punjabi.
It's available in Bhojpuri.
Bhojpuri is a really sweet language.
Let me explain it to my Spanish fans.
-India is a diverse country.
-Yes.
We have many languages.
Bhojpuri is one of them.
Bhojpuri is really fun, you know?
Rohit Sharma is thrashing it!
Four sixes in an over!
He's ripped the bowler apart!
Ripped them apart!
He's making them eat dust!
The bowler has lost their damn mind!
IPL is a festival of cricket in India.
IPL originated in India, but this festival
is celebrated by players worldwide
'cause the bidding for them
runs into crores of rupees.
They make loads of money,
so they love the game even more.
Take Jonty Rhodes sahab for example.
He's a player from South Africa.
-Yes.
-He named his daughter India.
-How beautiful is that?
-Wow!
Glenn Maxwell loved India so much
that he ended up marrying an Indian girl.
He must have thought,
"I need to spend four months in India
for the IPL anyway."
"So why not have a home here as well?"
Some foreign players have become
so Indian after staying here for so long
For example,
Chris Gayle or anyone else.
When they go back to their country,
their immigration officers ask them,
"What is the purpose of your visit?"
And they answer in Hindi.
"I live here, you fool!"
You must have noticed
different kinds of fans in the IPL.
One kind is a die-hard fan.
If the guy is supporting the Chennai team,
it doesn't matter if he's from Rajasthan,
he'd make a hole in the middle
of his kachori
and eat it like a medu vada
because he's a die-hard fan.
-But some fans are opportunists.
-Yes.
They carry the jerseys of both teams
and observe who the girl
sitting next to them is supporting,
and they'll wear the jersey
of the team she is supporting.
For us, cricket is not just a game.
It's an emotion.
And this emotion has
existed for generations.
To watch a match
Well, the world has gone digital now.
Back then we had TVs with antennas.
If the antenna moved an inch,
or if the signal was a bit hazy,
the picture would become distorted
on the TV.
So when a bowler was standing
and the signal got a bit hazy,
this is how we'd see him.
We'd then send a guy upstairs
to fix the antenna.
The bowler was still all right.
The batter looked worse.
-Oh, God!
-In some places, the signal was so bad,
it looked like Kapil Dev sahab
and the umpire were on top of each other.
As the antenna moved, they would separate.
Eventually, the batter would
Times have changed now.
You can now watch the match on the go
on your mobile screens.
These days, there's a ticker on screen.
"Five crore people
are watching the match live."
Suddenly, 20 lakh people disappear.
These are those people who
-You know about the drinks break, right?
-Yes.
People like her.
They hustle for their own drinks.
And they get so emotional after drinking.
If India loses,
they break their TV screens.
And if India wins, they celebrate
so enthusiastically with their wives,
they end up adding a new member
to their home team.
That's how much they love it!
As you know,
people in India are crazy about cricket.
So, that's the reason,
by public demand,
not just from our Indian fans
but also our fans in over 190 countries,
we've invited two outstanding players
from the Indian cricket team today.
Please welcome
the captain of the Indian cricket team,
Mr. Rohit Sharma,
and our swashbuckling batter,
Shreyas Iyer!
Welcome! Welcome!
Please give them a huge round of applause.
We love you!
I swear, this is just amazing!
Rohit paaji and Shreyas are on our show.
What a beautiful evening!
There is one problem
we face here in India, paaji.
A father always says this to his son
anytime he does something wrong.
"You're jobless,
sitting at home doing nothing."
"Look at Sharma ji's son."
"Sharma ji's son has prospered."
"Be like Sharma ji's son."
And we are really lucky to have
Sharma ji's son with us today.
Paaji, how do you feel
after finally meeting me?
Amazing.
We have always been
watching this show on television.
It's interesting that you mentioned
Sharma ji's son.
Did your parents give you
examples like these?
They did, but I still don't know
what "Sharma ji's son" means.
-I mean
-Well, you are Sharma ji's son
because you've made a name
for our nation all over the world.
So, you've become that example.
You all know about Shreyas.
He was selected
for the Indian team in 2017.
He became captain
of the Delhi Daredevils in 2018.
In 2022, he became the captain
of Kolkata Knight Riders.
Thank you.
And in 2024, he achieved something
which even MS Dhoni
and Sachin Tendulkar couldn't.
He made his debut on my show.
-You
-Top My biggest achievement!
You see, you're our guests,
so we're bound to praise you.
And you deserve it too.
But no one praises us,
-so we have to praise ourselves.
-We do.
Shreyas, when you got selected
for the team in 2017,
you became a superstar.
Before that,
did you get to hear these things?
"You do nothing and just keep playing."
The things parents always say.
Yes, they did, especially in my society.
As a kid, when I was growing up,
I broke many windows.
And we would run back to our homes
after breaking them.
-I see.
-Yes.
And I am not joking about this,
nor am I buttering him up,
but Rohit bhai has always been my idol
because he's from Mumbai like me.
I grew up watching him.
Because we're on camera right now,
Shreyas is saying,
"Rohit bhai has always been my idol."
-Does he say these things backstage?
-No, look
He calls me names
in the dressing room.
When he
Because there are people here
and he's on camera
No, no, I've said this to him before.
The current generation
of youngsters are very dangerous.
Before you came here, Shreyas,
many people were saying
that you have a great hairstyle.
So they wanted me to ask you,
do you go to a salon for a haircut,
or just throw your head
into a mixer grinder?
A mixer grinder will shave my head off!
You obviously know that
Rohit bhai hits the ball a long way.
And that's the reason
he's called the Hitman.
I want to tell you something
that very few people know.
We used to have cheerleaders
back in the day.
-They lost their jobs because of him.
-Why?
Because he used to hit so many sixes,
they would say, "He makes us dance
way more than we're paid for."
Rohit bhai, whenever the ball crosses
the boundary, the team gets six runs.
You sometimes
send balls out of the stadium.
Don't you think,
according to the distance,
you should get 12 runs?
-You said that
-I suggested that.
-Like eight, ten or twelve.
-Absolutely.
-What's your thought about this?
-Yeah!
You know, whenever we hit a six,
it gets to compared to Chris Gayle.
Chris Gayle would hit the ball
105 meters or 110 meters.
Kieron Pollard hits the ball 110 meters.
But only we hit the ball 70 to 80 meters.
-And everyone just get six runs.
-Yes, only six runs.
So, I said this somewhere.
"If you give us eight runs,
even I will hit the ball 100 meters."
That's true.
Do you agree with that?
Girls, you wanna ask
something from our players?
Yes, we're all huge fans of you guys.
We have danced for so many
of your sixes and fours,
so we would love
if you would dance with us today.
He will dance with you.
What is this?
Kamla, come over here.
Are these pants?
Come on!
Thank you! Thank you, girls!
Thank you, girls.
Thank you, girls.
There's dal chawal for you backstage.
Do eat before you leave.
Thank you.
Rohit bhai, I have a question.
You're known for hitting these huge sixes.
Has anyone
I know you're all friends.
Has any bowler ever told you,
"Bhai, my girlfriend is watching today."
"Please don't hit a six when I'm bowling."
"Take two runs thrice or"
We've had conversations like that,
but I said,
"I know your girlfriend's watching
but my wife is already here."
Wow!
The poor thing sits through
the entire match with her fingers crossed.
Yes, we've seen that.
That is more important to me.
Amazing.
Audience, as you all heard,
"She is more important to me."
This means being the captain
of the Indian team
doesn't mean you're the head honcho.
There is another post above it.
The captain of the captain.
And that's the missus.
Ritika ji is here with us today.
Welcome to the show.
You know, Ritika is his wife
and also his manager.
Tell me something, Ritika ji.
Is he tougher to manage him
as a captain or as a husband?
Husband.
-Is he more difficult as a husband?
-Absolutely.
You should learn from Archana ji.
She twists his hand
and says, "Come on!"
I thought he would be
more difficult as a captain.
As a captain,
the team manages him quite well.
-We handle him.
-I don't have to do anything.
-I see.
-She's not allowed to enter the field.
Or the dressing room.
-Right.
-But I need to go home as well, right?
-There she is
-She's the captain there.
I've seen that the world has its eyes
glued to the screen during a match.
And players often get aggressive
on the field.
And these days, there's a stump mic.
Have you ever
Has it ever happened that you gave
some "advice" to someone in a fit of rage
-"Advice"?
-And
-Rohit! Rohit!
-Rohit! Rohit!
Hey, let me finish!
-Rohit! Rohit!
-Rohit! Rohit!
Have you ever given some "advice"
and got slapped with a fine?
No. Well, I've never been fined
because we speak in Hindi
and the referee is usually a foreigner.
So, he doesn't understand.
But I just give the boys some motivation.
"Play well. We need to win this."
That's all I say, you know.
So, jokes aside, the thing is
I do say things on the ground.
Unfortunately, my position on the field
is exactly behind where the mic is placed.
So, everything I say,
people probably get to hear most of it.
I have no choice.
Our boys are lazy roosters!
They don't even run.
So, one has to use that language!
This is wrong. I don't agree with this.
Prove it and I won't have to say it.
Well, the captain has to be strong.
He has to be strict.
When you play in the IPL, Shreyas,
there are several senior players
who are on your team
when you play for India.
But in the IPL,
you are playing against them.
So when you take a catch and get them out,
can you celebrate freely,
or do you just say, "Sir, I was just
standing here. It fell right in my hand"?
Do you hesitate
because he's a senior player?
-When you've gotten him out?
-I feel happy.
I actually feel glad.
We get yelled at in the Indian team.
And then, when we get
the same seniors out
I know he's talking about me.
Indeed, yeah.
Whenever I get a chance
to get the seniors out,
I enjoy it from the bottom of my heart.
Come, let's sit and talk.
Come.
Does anyone know how to stop this?
No, we don't. Get out of here.
-How can I get out of here like this?
-Why do you ride it if you can't stop it?
Oh, God!
I stopped it myself.
Hello.
Hello, Rohit ji.
-Hello, sir.
-Engineer Chumbak Mittal.
-Nice to meet you.
-Engineer Chumbak Mittal, Shreyas ji.
-How are you?
-I am fine.
-Hello, Kapil ji.
-No, don't bother.
Archana ji!
Ritika ji!
Engineer Chumbak Mittal.
Why didn't you bring your daughter along?
Give her this chocolate.
Tell her it's from her chacha.
Chumbak chacha.
Actually, I can't stay
and chat for too long
because I am in a hurry.
-Okay.
-I need to rush.
I only have eight to nine hours
to talk to you.
Wow, you really are busy.
They are here for two months.
Celebrities like them
wouldn't come here for two months.
But we do need
to have a quick conversation.
I don't have a lot of time
because I have to get home.
I left some almonds
to soak in my kurta's pocket
and I need to take them out.
Who soaks almonds
in their kurta's pocket?
Why are you intruding into my kurta?
It was a dirty kurta which I had to soak,
then I remembered
I had to soak some almonds too,
so I soaked them in the pocket.
Rohit ji, the only difference is that
the almonds taste slightly like detergent.
-Oh, God!
-But that's okay. I can adapt.
I have a small favor to ask.
For your next matches, I wanted
A ticket?
No, a spot on your team as a player.
Wow!
What do you do? Batting?
Try me.
There's nothing to it.
Once a man takes up a profession,
he eventually learns the tricks.
Right? For example, he got married,
then he had children.
You eventually learn the process.
It's easy.
Give a man a bat and a ball,
and he'll learn.
Actually, here's why I want a spot.
Because I want to get married.
Cricketers easily find a match.
You're single, Shreyas.
You know how it is.
Even I am single.
Girls always seek
the most eligible bachelor.
-Yes.
-I think once I become a cricketer
And it's not that I want to be
the opening batter on the team.
-Not at all.
-You can forget about opening.
Exactly. You can even
put me down at 11th place.
-Perfect.
-They never get to bat anyway.
Why not?
If all ten players get out,
the 11th player gets to bat.
If I have to bat, I will tell them
if ten players couldn't make a difference,
I can't either.
Absolutely right!
Even Mohammed Shami
and Bumrah say this to us.
Because when we see
numbers ten and 11 batting,
we say, "At least make 10 or 20 runs."
Even they have the same thought.
"If you couldn't score any,
what do you expect from us?"
"Why do you want us to make runs?"
Then get it done.
There's not much to do.
Just get me a jersey,
with a number printed on the back.
9-3-2-1-4-8-6
Hey, isn't that a mobile number?
Yes, it's my brother-in-law's
mobile number.
Why do you want that printed?
If any marriage proposals come for me,
I want my brother-in-law to negotiate.
What is that?
It's a selection form. Can I just
What don't you understand?
You have no chance here, bhaisahab!
Wait a minute.
Who said I have no chance?
Now, I have a chance.
To whom are you offering 500 rupees?
-500 rupees?
-What kind of behavior is this?
All right! I'll be discreet about it.
Here you go.
Bhaisahab, look.
This is the only field
where pure talent is required.
-You should know how to play.
-Yes.
Do you take drink breaks during the game?
-Yes.
-Regularly.
Can I take one?
Of course.
One second.
Oh, God!
Oh, God! Look at that!
Desi! It's a desi brand.
Now, I'm comfortable.
He never lets me
get comfortable, bhaisahab.
Finally, after six years,
I feel comfortable.
And if I become comfortable,
everyone else becomes uncomfortable.
-So, do I stand a chance?
-No.
Are you happy now?
Very happy.
In the application, it said
he is employed as a contractor.
Shreyas is building a house nearby.
Yes.
-So, you
-Of course, I'll make it.
Just allow me to settle down first.
I will build his house as well.
You see, I have surpassed
the marriageable age.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered you.
Marriageable age? I believe
you're too old for divorce as well.
Look at his face.
He looks like a goat
afflicted with diabetes.
Now you are getting
too comfortable, bhaisahab.
I opened up my heart today.
Actually, I live with my sister
and brother-in-law.
I see.
An unmarried brother can be seen
as a burden to his sister.
-Yes.
-Once I get married, I can leave.
It's a small house,
and the three of us live together.
-Yes.
-We sleep in the same room.
At times, while he's sleeping,
my brother-in-law places his leg over me.
Don't you say anything?
I don't say anything
because I'm concerned for my sister.
I don't want to be a homewrecker.
So?
Another one!
Actually, Rohit ji
my kurta was drenched one day.
And?
I wore my sister's nighty
and started cooking in the kitchen.
My brother-in-law was sloshed.
He thought I was my sister.
And he grabbed me from behind.
-Then?
-Then?
-I said nothing.
-Then?
Then I served him dinner.
Oh, my God!
Engineer sahab, please leave.
We've had enough of you.
You may leave.
Please leave.
Your almonds are soaking.
I'll take them out later.
It's not like they'll drown and die.
Please include me in your team.
If you can't include me in your team,
at least consider me
for the cheerleading squad.
That I am prepared for.
How did you prepare
for the cheerleading squad?
You show up here drunk
and say you are prepared.
He's gonna fall!
Get out!
Leave!
Get out!
Oh, my God!
-Oh, God!
-I'm so sorry about that, bhai.
There are some ill-mannered people here.
We can't stop them
since we're at an airport.
Paaji, we're introducing a new segment.
This segment is called Pol-Khol.
I will ask you questions
about your teammates.
Which player would you never
want to share a room with?
And why?
Everyone gets a single room now.
Yes, we all get a single room.
There is no need to share.
But if we ever have to share a room,
I will
There are two people.
One is Shikhar Dhawan,
and the other is Rishabh Pant.
-Okay.
-Would you or would you not?
I don't want to share a room
with them. Spare me.
Why
-Why not?
-They are messy people.
-Messy?
-Yes.
After practice, they just
toss their clothes on the bed.
Their room is always on DND.
-I see.
-Okay.
-Because they sleep till one o'clock.
-Okay.
The housekeeping staff come
in the morning to clean their rooms,
so it's important for them
to put their room on DND.
-Otherwise, they will just barge in.
-Yes.
That's why their rooms often
stay messy for three or four days.
So, it's a problem
for the people around them.
I don't think I can stay with them.
But do any of the players fall asleep
and start snoring while sitting up?
-Or you know
-No, they all work hard for a living.
No one just sits there and
-Hard work
-Not everyone is as lucky as you!
She'll nod off in that chair, then wake up
and exclaim, "Oh, shooting! Hi, Rohit!"
"Rohit's gone! We're on the next episode!"
"Oh!"
Whose call among the players
would you never put on the loudspeaker?
You have to hear it alone.
Actually, that would be me because
I can assure you that
in every conversation,
there are at least a few curse words
uttered in every sentence.
From the start to the finish, and even
in between, it's riddled with curses.
We've seen whenever Shreyas
hits boundaries in a match
You know, he is a bachelor.
The cameraman directs the camera
to the girls holding posters that say,
"Shreyas, marry me." Right?
-Yes.
After the match,
do you ever check where they were sitting?
Or do you ask the cameraman?
Have you ever tried anything like that?
No, during my first year
playing in the IPL,
I noticed a very beautiful girl
in the stands.
And I said "hi" to her.
-Okay.
-And then I was
This happened many years ago.
After the match, I was
You know, sometimes, we watch
During that time,
Facebook was very popular.
I was hoping to get a message.
So, I kept checking my messages.
That was the only incident with me.
-After that, I
-Look at his honesty. Sheer honesty!
When Rohit bhai is on the ground,
he puts in a lot of effort.
But I've seen Ritika bhabhi
work really hard as well.
Throughout the match,
she sits like this.
Fingers crossed.
But God forbid
if he loses a wicket early
Do you say,
"Come here, I will teach you a lesson"?
Bhabhi, tell me one thing.
Imagine Virat bhai and Rohit bhai
are playing together,
and Anushka and you
are watching the match together.
Rohit bhai gets out.
Does Anushka say
And do you say, "Even your husband
got out early last time"?
Do you
When he's playing under pressure,
the eyes of the world are on him
with about 100,000 people
watching in the stadium.
What thoughts cross your mind?
What conversations do you have?
I don't talk at all.
I simply sit like this when he's batting.
-You sit quietly.
-Absolutely.
And if, God forbid, he gets out early,
do you still watch the entire match,
or do you leave midway?
No, I sit through the match.
They are all my friends.
I cheer for them as well.
I see. You only leave
when you get them all out.
Generally, Rohit bhai,
we have a fun and light atmosphere.
Sometimes, we pour our hearts out.
So, I want to share
one such feeling with both of you.
Because as your fans,
we want to ask this.
In the 2023 World Cup,
our team's performance was the best
compared to all previous World Cups.
You all know this.
Ten matches,
with each one surpassing the one before.
But the World Cup
slipped through our fingers
because of one last match.
Back then, Rohit bhai, as the captain,
what was going on in your mind?
It's hard to say because
before the match,
we were in Ahmedabad for two days.
We had our practice.
The team had maintained a good momentum.
As they say,
the team was on autopilot.
-Right.
-But when
When the finals began,
we had a great start.
I think Gill got out quickly.
Shubman Gill.
But then, Virat and I
had a small partnership.
Yes.
We were confident
that we could achieve a good score.
Because whenever you are playing
in the finals,
I believe that displaying scores
on the board in big matches
puts pressure on the opposing team,
even if it's 100 runs
'cause they must score just as many runs.
-Right.
-And any team can crumble under pressure.
But they played good cricket.
The Australian team.
We even managed to take
three wickets for just 40 runs.
But then, they had a long partnership.
But I have to say one thing.
Whether we won the World Cup
that day or not,
you won the hearts of every Indian.
-True!
-Thank you.
-India! India!
-Thank you.
-India! India!
-Thank you.
India! India!
-Long live
-Mother India!
-Long live
-Mother India!
-Long live
-Mother India!
-We are proud of you!
-Thank you. Thank you.
-Thanks.
-This is, actually, absolutely right.
Even I was thinking
that even though the World Cup took place
in our country, we still couldn't win it,
so I felt the nation
might be angry with us.
That people might be disappointed.
But wherever I went
after the World Cup finals
People showered love upon you.
I only heard people praising
how well we played,
and they all thoroughly
enjoyed watching that cricket.
-Absolutely.
-The result wasn't favorable, but
Yeah.
Whenever there is
a cricket match going on,
even a paan shop owner
watching the match will give advice.
For example, if someone gets out,
"He should have played it like this!"
Sometimes, he doesn't even know
that he is spitting on his own lap!
Right?
We give advice to others.
Has anyone ever given you
such weird advice? Someone you've met.
-Every day.
-Every day!
-This is normal for us.
-Is it?
When we're at the airport,
people are like,
"Don't play out-swingers tomorrow."
-Oh, my God!
-Wow.
You've probably noticed it at the airport
that cricketers often wear headphones.
-Why is that?
-Actually. Yes!
This is the reason.
-They are not showing off.
-I see!
Very few people probably
know this about Shreyas.
He is also a magician.
He performs such impressive tricks
with cards that you will be amazed.
Shreyas, is this a hobby, or were you
doing this before getting into cricket?
It was my job before I joined cricket.
If I give you a deck of cards,
would you do a trick for our audience?
-I can.
-Get the cards, please.
Netflix's presentation is superb.
The cards even arrived in a box.
Please shuffle the cards.
It's a brand-new deck.
They are mixed properly.
There is no setup or anything.
I just took them from you. Okay?
Say stop when you want.
Stop!
Check the card
where you said stop. Okay?
-Show us which card it is.
-Yeah, show it to her.
Okay. Nobody say a word, all right?
Now, take this deck and give it
another shuffle anyway you like.
Okay.
Okay. Everything fair and square?
Now, think of a name in your mind.
Any name will do.
Think of it, then tell everyone.
Archana ji.
Archana ji.
-Yes.
-Now spell her name.
-A-R-C-H
-Here. Slowly.
-A-R-C-H-N
-A-R-C-H
-A.
-A
It's a waste of time,
spelling it that way.
N. Next comes N.
-N-A.
-N-A.
Her full name is
Bandit Archana Puran Singh, but
-Yeah. Archana.
-Okay.
-Is this your card?
-No. That's five.
Not this one.
So, you thought
of Archana ji's name.
Now, spell her name the same way I did.
-With different cards?
-Here.
-A
-A
-R-C-H-A-N-A.
-R-C-H-A-N-A.
That one.
Wow!
That is amazing, bro!
Wow!
Hey!
This is wonderful!
How are you, brother?
No.
Oh, man!
The atmosphere in our café
is so different today.
Sir, you will be glad to know
who you are meeting.
No.
I am the world-famous chef
of this café, Dhaniya Lal.
-Dhaniya Lal.
-Dhaniya Lal.
My cooking is top of the world.
Tell me, sir,
what would you like to have?
A 5-BHK apartment.
A penthouse.
Or how about we give you Antilia?
What's with all the overthrowing?
We have such great batsmen
in the house
so there has to be somebody
who can overthrow.
That's why.
-Sir, I have a proposal for you.
-I see.
Can I have a seat here?
You have your own seat.
-You can sit on that.
-Thank you.
Sir, I want to give both of you
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
So, we're having a cricket league.
Airport Cricket League.
-And I own a team.
-Okay.
Since you two are fantastic players,
I want to buy you.
-Wow!
-You will fulfill my demand,
and I will fulfill your demand in almonds.
Not almonds. I think you mean money.
No, I can't pay using money.
Very expensive.
My grandma sent me some almonds.
I can give you those.
So, do we have a deal, sir?
-Deal?
-Deal.
Sir, don't make any deals with him!
Hi!
How are you, Shreyas sir?
Rohit sir, how are you?
Great.
Look, sir. Our fine leg.
-Fine leg!
-Fine leg!
By the way, how do I look?
-Great.
-Actually, the problem is,
whenever I enter with girls, Archana ji,
-there happens to be a lot of comparison.
-Yes!
If you see me alone, I'm quite sexy.
Shut up!
I feel like hugging them from within.
Let's just do that then.
Get lost! Not you! Get back in your seat.
Thank you, girls! See you. Bye.
-Kaps, how are you?
-I'm good.
Sir, don't sit on this.
This is very important.
My God! Very important.
-I've just placed the cushion on my lap.
-Yes.
In reality, Netflix has adopted us.
-You are married, no?
-Yes.
Married.
Isn't that your wife, Ritika,
seated over there?
-Yes.
-Can I tell you something?
I want to sit there for you,
right next to her.
Listen to me, sir.
-Don't make any deals with him.
-Why not?
Play for our airline's team, sir.
Trust me, it will be very profitable.
-Why?
-I'll have a bungalow.
I'll have a car.
I'll have a swimming pool.
-Profitable!
-It will be profitable for you alone.
I just said it would be profitable,
not that it would be profitable for them.
No, sir. I also have a deal
you can profit from.
If you play for our team,
we will give you a lifetime supply
of complimentary business-class tickets.
-Business class?
-Yes.
Sir, their airline is third-class.
Once a passenger asked for water,
they ended up
landing the airplane in the ocean.
"There's your water!"
He was irritating us for a long time,
incessantly asking for water!
We got angry,
so we landed in the water.
You know, sir, one of our passengers
was frequently going to the bathroom.
He would repeatedly go
back and forth, back and forth.
Guess what we did?
We opened the emergency exit door
so that he became frightened
and did his business all at once.
Why keep going back and forth?
-It is annoying.
-Sir, you should play for our team.
As a chef, I promise to feed you kheer
-made from the milk of a tigress.
-I see.
Who will milk the tigress?
You? A rhinoceros?
See that? I mentioned a tigress,
and the hyena got offended.
Yes!
But honestly speaking, sir,
when you eat the kheer
made from the milk of a tigress,
it will give you the strength of a tiger!
If you hit a shot from Wankhede,
it will land in Eden Gardens.
That much!
I will hit you right now
and you will fall right here! Understood?
-No, don't
-Don't get smart with me!
Sir, please play for our team.
Honestly speaking,
the umpire and I have an understanding.
-Okay.
-Even if you hit a boundary,
he will give six runs.
Please play for us, please.
Sir, we'll give you 20 runs
for every six. What do you say?
Sir, we'll give you
200 rupees per match.
Sir, we'll give you
200,000 rupees per match.
Give it then! Give it!
That's why I was talking.
Give him 200,000 rupees now.
It was just a slip of the tongue.
-Really?
-A slip of the tongue!
Why did you put that kind of money
on your tongue in the first place?
Slip of the tongue!
-A slip of his tongue!
-Rohit sir, please play for our team.
Play for our team, sir.
-Please, Shreyas sir.
-Sir, play for our team.
-Kaps, please tell them.
-Please play a little.
Or they won't leave you alone.
-Okay, let's play.
-Okay. Done.
-Done.
-Done.
-Come on!
-Let's play.
-Let's all play together.
-Come on! Set up the pitch.
All right, guys, let's begin this match
with our two superstars!
So, who will bat first?
-We will toss for that, right?
-Yes.
-We need to toss a coin.
-Do you have any change?
-I'll toss the coin!
-Wow!
Look who showed up
as soon as we spoke of change!
Wow!
I don't think we need
a coin for the toss.
Let's toss this guy.
If he breaks his head,
I will bat first.
If he breaks his legs,
you can bat first.
Rohit sir is the captain.
So, he will bat first, right?
Rohit! Rohit!
What will you do?
-You love pointing fingers, right?
-Yes.
So, you can be the umpire.
-Okay?
-Perfect.
Stand on the side.
-Yes.
-Wait a minute.
Who will be the commentator?
What brings you here, sir?
This road brought me here.
We saw that.
Then why are you
asking these stupid questions?
I had to catch a flight.
I was walking to the gates
with impeccable footwork.
On the way, I found out
that you guys were surrounded
by these useless people.
So, I came here to be your savior.
Excuse me, respected sir.
We don't have them surrounded.
-We are playing a match with them.
-Yes.
You have the option
of playing with Chris Gayle.
Why are you playing with a whale?
Shreyas, I want to tell you something.
You are from Mumbai, right?
Yeah, right.
We have an estate agency in Mumbai.
I am artificial Kapil Dev.
If you ever need a flat,
I can get you a good deal.
Sure.
Kapil sir, now that you are here,
why don't you be
the commentator for our match?
Yes, that would be great.
I don't do commentary at the airport.
No.
Sir, I'll get you a ten-percent discount
at the duty-free store.
How about 20 percent?
Don't say no, all right? Just don't.
Yes, done!
Yes. Never say no.
Oh, my God!
All right! Allow me to recite!
A dog doesn't meow
Wow!
A dog doesn't meow
And a cat can never bark!
Very nice.
What's the use of a boundary rope
When Rohit hits it out of the park?
Clap!
Wait a minute!
One more is on the way!
-I am just warming up.
-Yes.
Look, I love the mountains!
-Wow.
-And mountains have monkeys!
Wow.
I love the mountains, and the monkeys
On the mountains love jelly
How many children
Are you hiding in your big belly?
Clap!
Clap!
Kapil paaji! Bless me, Kapil paaji!
You need to touch my feet
to seek my blessings, not my belt.
You're touching me in the wrong place.
That's not the right thing.
Well, Kapil paaji,
let me tell you something.
I cannot stay for too long
After a match
And if I bend over
My pants might need a patch!
Clap!
I would like to say something.
-I've traveled all over the world.
-Yes.
But I've never seen a guy like Suresh.
He's not Suresh. He's Shreyas.
Yeah, right, Suresh.
You are so finicky, Kapal paaji.
It's not Kapal, it's Kapil.
Kapil. Say it properly.
You can either fix Suresh
or you can fix Kapal.
Suresh?
Kapil paaji, names are so confusing.
This is why my wife and I
have the same name.
I say "Navjot"
and she says, "Yes, Navjot?"
No confusion.
Final boarding call announcement
for Mr. Rohit Sharma.
Please proceed
to gate 20A immediately.
Your flight is ready to depart.
What?
Well, Rohit has a flight to catch.
You're a really busy man, eh?
Let's start the match.
Rohit! Rohit! Rohit!
-Out! Out!
-Out! Out!
-No.
-No, man.
Well, it's time for Rohit ji's boarding.
So, I guess, I'll just get him out.
Rohit! Rohit! Rohit!
Kapil paaji will definitely get him out!
-Wow!
-Out!
Out!
And finally, Rohit Sharma is out!
Thank you.
Rohit! Rohit! Rohit!
Rohit! Rohit! Rohit!
So, now Rohit is out.
We still have Shreyas.
He is an excellent batter.
Shreyas! Shreyas!
-Shreyas! Shreyas!
-Thank you.
Ma'am, I'm a big fan.
If we could have you on stage, please.
I'd love to have a few words.
Welcome! Please come here!
Give me hug, ma'am!
Yes, now this feels right!
Look at me! Clap! Clap!
Clap! Watch us on Netflix
This is not a trap!
Watch
Watch us every Saturday!
Watch Netflix every Saturday!
With that, I wish you a good night!
Sweet dreams!
Please give a huge round of applause
for Diljit Dosanjh,
Parineeti Chopra and Mr. Imtiaz Ali.
As you know, in Punjab, evening
is when people get in the mood.
Actually, people often get in the groove
in the evenings.
The Punjabi blood is boiling.
He's trying to defend it.
Shah Rukh Khan once told me,
"The best actor in the country is Diljit."
Maybe he was "in the groove."
Black and yellow taxi.
Jiju is wearing a maxi.
Jiju is
-Jeetu?
-Brother-in-law.
-Maxi.
-Maxi?
-Jiju is wearing a maxi.
-Why would jiju wear a maxi?
I saw a man eating a clap.
-A clap?
-The driver was
-He ate a clap.
-A clap!
Not at six o'clock
Not at seven o'clock
Not even at eight o'clock
-My duty starts
-At nine o'clock!
It's difficult to sing in a deep voice
when you are a woman.