The Guest Book (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
Story Two
1 Hey, man.
- What? - That show about the cabin in the woods is on again tonight.
It's a different story every week, but I think some of the people in the town are in every episode.
So, there's an older couple who rents the cabin, and there's a guy next door who has a kid.
Plus, there's a stripper who tapes dudes and blackmails them with the help of her stepson.
Although last episode, that dude got locked in his own trunk.
- Anyway, you should check it out.
- Yeah, I don't know.
I didn't really like the last show you recommended.
The Grammys? - Yeah.
Too much music.
- [BUTTON CLICKS.]
[VENDING MACHINE CLACKS.]
Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away [ORGAN PLAYING.]
- Jill.
- Father.
Do I have you to thank for this bounty? I didn't want you to get hungry.
It's gonna be a long one.
JILL: Our son, Ethan, was coming to - town with his fiancée.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
And as I've told you before, as long as his fiancée refuses to enter the house of the Lord, she's not welcome in mine, either.
So, Jeff and I rented a cabin in the mountains.
- Did you find a good church yet? - No, Mom.
Just because Lynn's an atheist doesn't mean you can't spend a little time away from each other on a Sunday morning.
You're gonna be separated in the afterlife.
- Might as well practice.
- [FOLK MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO.]
- How's work, Mom? - Oh, you know.
Work is work.
Somebody brought in a constipated ferret last week.
Have you ever seen a ferret in real life? Looks like an eel wearing a toupée.
I don't even think it's legal to have them as pets.
I wanted to call the police.
But Dr.
Griffin disagreed.
So I just did my job and lubed up his little pinky so he could shove it up that dirty little varmint's impacted anus.
- [SPLAT.]
- Ah! - Sorry.
I hit a bug.
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- [TURNS ENGINE OFF.]
- I can't drive with guts on the windshield.
Ohh.
Would you look at that? Every little girl driving down this highway must think the only way she can get her dream car is to shake her bosoms at horny truckers.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN BUILDING.]
I'm the king of the world, and I'm never lookin' back [MUSIC CONTINUES, MUFFLED.]
It's him.
Where the hell are you? - I'm locked in the trunk of my car.
- How did that happen?! Because I'm not cut out for this kind of thing! When are you gonna get that through your skull? You better watch your volume, dickhead.
When that train killed your daddy, I could've thrown your crying, 15-year-old ass out, but instead I gave you a job and kept a roof over your head for the last seven years.
Now, you show me another stepmom that would do that for her adopted black son, and don't you say Sandra Bullock, 'cause I know your slow ass ain't protecting nobody's blind side.
Now, you just sit tight, and I'll come get you when we close.
You want cash or a handie? I'll take the cash.
I feel you tend to rush things when we barter.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
- [CHIMES.]
Hello.
Oh, hi.
We're here to pick up the keys for Froggy Cottage.
Oh, of course.
Let me, uh Let me find your reservations.
JEFF: Are you sure you want to go through with this? We could go to jail, you know.
Don't get soft on me now, Jeff.
We've got some heavy lifting for the Lord to do.
Our son is not marrying an atheist.
Okey doke.
This is nice, right? What do you reckon this thing's supposed to be? Did you talk to your mother about letting us stay in the same room this time? I'll get those for you.
- It would just be easier - You're a pussy.
You know that? I know.
I never said I wasn't a pussy.
[AIR HISSING STEADILY.]
[CPAP MACHINE WHIRRING.]
[ALARM BUZZES.]
Jeff, it's time.
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[MUFFLED SCREAM.]
Okay.
Let's do this.
So, what exactly was in this syringe you stuck into your son's fiancée's leg? Propofol.
As a veterinary nurse, I have access to some very powerful sedatives.
The trick is figuring out how much to use, so I just tripled the dose we gave a cocker spaniel who had a hysterectomy.
Can you believe that's what she sleeps in? Talk about skimpy.
Looks like something Farrah Fawcett would wear on her honeymoon.
Just look at those nipples.
Don't actually look, Jeff.
That's an expression.
Oh, sorry, I-I couldn't tell from your inflection.
I mean, goodness gracious, what's wrong with a proper pair of old-fashioned, tasteful PJ's? What, has that girl never heard of Lands' End? - [VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
- I-I know.
Times change.
[ENGINE REVS.]
[KEYS JANGLE.]
This is why I want a normal job.
I could go back to school.
Do you remember that commercial we saw? If you say the words "air-conditioning repair" to me again, I swear to God I will stab you with a fork.
[KEYS CLATTER.]
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING.]
Jeff and I had already prepared the hot tub area for Lynn's baptism.
We had lit some candles we had brought from the church and I changed Lynn into a more tasteful outfit as Jeff averted his eyes.
The whole ceremony only takes about 10 minutes.
Jeff dunked her under water about four times, holding her nose to make sure she didn't drown.
I dried her off the best I could and put her back into her nightgown If you can call it that.
[DOOR CREAKS, CLOSES.]
Some lunatic wrote a filthy story in the guest book about women and feet.
I can't imagine how crowded Hell must be these days.
- Good morning.
- Good morning! - How'd you sleep? - Great.
Must be the mountain air.
I feel amazing.
Lynn can blame it on the mountain air all she wants, but I knew why she felt the way she did.
It was the first time she woke up with the Lord in her soul.
And because of that, we all started to get along.
But I'm not saying definitively that there is no God.
I mean, how could I? My doubt of a higher being is based on the absence of proof.
So, there's an argument to be made that without tangible proof that there is no God, I can't logically rule it out.
I was feeling so good about the change that was happening in Lynn that I got brave enough to take a little gamble.
Lynn, listen.
I know you have your beliefs, and I totally respect that.
But I bought something for you before I knew about the whole atheist thing, and I've been holding onto it, which is really silly because it's just a beautiful piece of jewelry.
Oh, my.
Look at that.
There's a little Jesus on there.
Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Or, it's just a pretty necklace with a very fit, long-haired hippie on a cross.
It doesn't matter who you think it is.
There's no denying that the blue of his tears really makes your eyes pop.
Thank you.
I love it.
You're welcome.
Did you sleep with the window open? Yeah, but the screen was shut.
Hey, have you guys gotten bitten by any bugs while we're here? Lynn woke up with something weird on her leg.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my.
- Good Lord.
It's bad, right? I told you it was bad! - Well, I don't know.
- JILL: No, no, no.
It's not bad.
It's, um, just a bug bite.
Last time we were up here, I had something very similar.
It'll go away.
It'll go away.
It'll go away.
Dear Lord, as I have told you repeatedly throughout the day, we have a problem.
Lynn's leg is still red and inflamed around the injection site.
Will you stop reading and get down on your knees? I already prayed when you were in the bathroom shaving your calluses.
- Did you pray about Lynn's leg? - Yeah, mostly.
I chatted with him a little bit about my brother's problem, but no, most of it was about the leg.
Your brother is a drunk who was fired from Krispy Kreme.
I can't have the Lord preoccupied with that right now.
Get on your knees.
I just started a chapter.
Get on your knees.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry about that, Lord.
Where was I? - I'm here now, too.
- He can see that.
Lord, I know you work in mysterious ways, but I need you to make that mark go away.
Things have been better than ever since Lynn's baptism, so I don't know why you put that mark there.
In any event, I need it to disappear pronto.
And for that, I pray.
- What are you doing? - Oh, getting into bed.
You haven't prayed again yet.
Well, I thought as long as I was next to you, - it was like I was - [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Lord, it's me again Jeff.
How 'bout we put a pin in all that stuff about what my brother may or may not have done to those jelly doughnuts? Instead, I'd like to draw your attention to the matter my wife was discussing.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[LYNN SCREAMS.]
What's going on? [GASPS.]
Aah! You're sure you don't want to talk to me alone? Why? I told you He fell on the fork.
I'd like to hear it from him.
I fell on the fork.
Well, you're the one who wanted to separate.
If you can't live on the money we agreed on, then maybe you should think about getting a job.
Oh, that's funny to you.
It looks like she has a MRSA staph infection.
Oh, that's not good.
We had a hamster that had one of those, - and we had to burn him.
- Yeah, I'm still here.
You gonna put my son on so I can sing him a "Happy Birthday" before he goes to school or not? No, I'm not saying he shouldn't brush his teeth.
Jesus, Jessica, does everything have to be a fight? - How could this happen? - All it takes is the tiniest cut - for an infection to get in.
- Get in from where? Oh, the MRSA virus is everywhere.
You can pick it up from a hotel doorknob, a public restroom, even a hot tub if it's not cleaned properly.
- Oh, dear Lord.
- We have her on I.
V.
antibiotics.
We're gonna do everything we can to save her leg.
- Can I see her? - She's in exam room four.
We'll be admitting her upstairs soon.
Eddie, if you're here to get oxy again, I'm gonna need to see a broken bone.
I am not giv Hey, buddy! Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you - BOTH: Happy Birthday dear - Bryce.
Bryce [HARMONIZING.]
Happy Birthday to you How 'bout that, huh? I don't know.
Just some guy.
But isn't that nice? Happy Birthday, buddy.
I just don't get it, man.
Why are you doing this to me? I baptized an atheist for you.
That's like dragging Osama bin Laden into the White House and making him sing the national anthem while eating a hot dog! Why are you punishing me? I told you this was a bad idea.
We should've stayed home and baptized her in our own bathtub.
God knows who's been soaking their infected body in that hot tub.
That's right.
You knew exactly who had been in that hut tub.
How the heck did you allow this to happen? [ETHAN CLEARS THROAT.]
How long have you been standing there? Pretty long.
Ethan was less than pleased.
How could you do this?! I did it for you.
Trust me, you do not want to be married to an atheist.
You think God's gonna pay attention to you and your little half-atheist babies? And it was working, too.
You saw how nice Lynn was being after we baptized her.
She admitted there might be a God.
She even put on the crucifix I gave her.
Because I bribed her! I told her if she put up with you and played nice that I would I made a deal with her.
- What deal? - It doesn't matter.
It does matter.
I would like to know what having your fiancée pretend to like us and act like she is somewhat open to the existence of God - is worth to you.
- Fine.
I told her that I would go down on her four times for every time she goes down on me.
Oh, man.
That's a crap deal, son.
Why are you telling us this? You told me to! Well, that's before I knew what it was.
You knew what it was.
You should have known better.
You knew what it was.
Why did you let him tell us? Look, Ethan, when you tell Lynn about this I'm not telling Lynn about this! - You're not? - Hell, no! Guys, look at me.
I'm a chubby grocery store manager who sleeps with a loud-ass machine that keeps me alive at night.
An atheist with one leg who blows me 25% of the time that I go down on her is as good as I'm gonna do, and I'm not risking losing her over this.
Ah.
If she loses that leg, you might be able to renegotiate that deal.
The next few days were torture.
We didn't know if Lynn was gonna live.
But eventually, we got some good news.
The antibiotics worked.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh! - Oh! She has to see her doctor when she gets home, - but she's gonna be fine.
- Thank God.
- You gave us quite a scare, honey.
- Tell me about it.
Come on, Dad.
Let's - pull the car around.
- Yeah.
- Is that a new turtleneck? - Yeah, I got it at a thrift store, but it's new to me.
I'm so glad you're gonna be okay.
- Me, too.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
To tell you the truth, I kind of have you - to thank for it.
- Me? When you gave me this necklace, I have to admit I accepted it just to be polite.
But after I'd been in here a couple of days, I started to get scared.
You know? Really scared.
And being an atheist, I had nowhere to turn, so I just took a shot.
I prayed.
And I felt better.
I felt like Like I wasn't alone.
And then the next thing I knew, the medicine started working.
I've always been a non-believer because I've never seen proof that God existed, but I can't claim that anymore.
I welcomed him into my life, and I think he healed me.
Who knows.
Maybe this was His plan all along.
What do they say "The Lord works in mysterious ways"? Yeah.
That's what they say.
Wow.
My head wants to condemn your actions, but my heart is full of God's adoration.
You brought a new member into his flock.
Yeah, I sure did.
And that makes us even 'cause I'm leaving.
Excuse me? I didn't come here to confess, Father.
- I came to resign.
- I don't understand.
That son of a bitch up there has put me through the goddamn ringer.
Did He take the mark off her leg when I asked him to? No, He made it bigger.
But when she asked him to heal her, a goddamn atheist, and suddenly, he's all ears.
What, is he into younger girls? - Is that what this is all about? - Jill, I don't think I have been to church every Sunday of my life because I thought it would lead to a better life.
And guess what? I'm still waiting.
Driving around in my mother's old station wagon because I give 10% of everything I make to the church.
And don't even get me started on the lousy body your buddy God gave me to parade around in.
- You're a beautiful woman.
- My nipples are an inch long! Jeff won't even go near them.
They look like the tail end of a balloon animal.
Ah, but you should see the nipples that he put on the atheist.
- Jill, if you would just - Oh, save it, Padre.
I gave 63 years of my life to that dude, and this is how he treats me? I don't have time for this bullshit.
I'm out.
["GETTING READY TO GET DOWN" PLAYING.]
Mama got a look at you and got a little worried Papa got a look at you and got a little worried Pastor got a look and said, "Y'all better hurry "Send her off to a little Bible college in Missouri" And now you come back sayin' you know a little bit about Every little thing they ever hoped you'd never figure out Eve ate the apple 'cause the apple was sweet What kinda God would ever keep a girl from getting what she needs And I'm Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Now people cross the street when you walk in their direction Talk between their teeth, throwin' epithets And the doctor thinks a devil must've got you by your senses But to live the way you please doesn't sound like possession It's four long years studyin' the Bible Infidels, Jezebels, Salomes, and Delilahs Back off the bus in your own hometown Sayin' you didn't like me then, probably won't like me now And I I'm getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down All the men of the country club, ladies of the 'xilliary Talkin' 'bout love like it's apple pie and liberty To really be a saint, you gotta really be a virgin Dry as a page of the King James Version Oh-la-las, oh, hell, yes I can't wait, I gotta see you againses Turn the other cheek, take no chances Jesus hates your high school dances [DOOR OPENS.]
They said your soul needed savin', so they sent you off to Bible school You knew a little more than they had heard was in the Golden Rule When you get damned in the popular opinion - [BEEPS.]
- It's just another damn of the damns you're not giving and I I'm getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down MAN: Let me do the talking.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
- In a hurry? - Sorry, officer.
Um, normally, I would be the one driving, but we stopped for lunch, and my boss back there pressured me into having a couple of beers.
Anyway, just to be extra careful, I let ol' lead foot here drive us up the rest of the way to, uh, Froggy Cottage.
So, maybe you could let us off with a warning? I guess that sounds fair.
So your boss Was he drinking as well? Which boss? Sir, will you step out of the car, please?
- What? - That show about the cabin in the woods is on again tonight.
It's a different story every week, but I think some of the people in the town are in every episode.
So, there's an older couple who rents the cabin, and there's a guy next door who has a kid.
Plus, there's a stripper who tapes dudes and blackmails them with the help of her stepson.
Although last episode, that dude got locked in his own trunk.
- Anyway, you should check it out.
- Yeah, I don't know.
I didn't really like the last show you recommended.
The Grammys? - Yeah.
Too much music.
- [BUTTON CLICKS.]
[VENDING MACHINE CLACKS.]
Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away [ORGAN PLAYING.]
- Jill.
- Father.
Do I have you to thank for this bounty? I didn't want you to get hungry.
It's gonna be a long one.
JILL: Our son, Ethan, was coming to - town with his fiancée.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
And as I've told you before, as long as his fiancée refuses to enter the house of the Lord, she's not welcome in mine, either.
So, Jeff and I rented a cabin in the mountains.
- Did you find a good church yet? - No, Mom.
Just because Lynn's an atheist doesn't mean you can't spend a little time away from each other on a Sunday morning.
You're gonna be separated in the afterlife.
- Might as well practice.
- [FOLK MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO.]
- How's work, Mom? - Oh, you know.
Work is work.
Somebody brought in a constipated ferret last week.
Have you ever seen a ferret in real life? Looks like an eel wearing a toupée.
I don't even think it's legal to have them as pets.
I wanted to call the police.
But Dr.
Griffin disagreed.
So I just did my job and lubed up his little pinky so he could shove it up that dirty little varmint's impacted anus.
- [SPLAT.]
- Ah! - Sorry.
I hit a bug.
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
- [TURNS ENGINE OFF.]
- I can't drive with guts on the windshield.
Ohh.
Would you look at that? Every little girl driving down this highway must think the only way she can get her dream car is to shake her bosoms at horny truckers.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN BUILDING.]
I'm the king of the world, and I'm never lookin' back [MUSIC CONTINUES, MUFFLED.]
It's him.
Where the hell are you? - I'm locked in the trunk of my car.
- How did that happen?! Because I'm not cut out for this kind of thing! When are you gonna get that through your skull? You better watch your volume, dickhead.
When that train killed your daddy, I could've thrown your crying, 15-year-old ass out, but instead I gave you a job and kept a roof over your head for the last seven years.
Now, you show me another stepmom that would do that for her adopted black son, and don't you say Sandra Bullock, 'cause I know your slow ass ain't protecting nobody's blind side.
Now, you just sit tight, and I'll come get you when we close.
You want cash or a handie? I'll take the cash.
I feel you tend to rush things when we barter.
- [KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
- [CHIMES.]
Hello.
Oh, hi.
We're here to pick up the keys for Froggy Cottage.
Oh, of course.
Let me, uh Let me find your reservations.
JEFF: Are you sure you want to go through with this? We could go to jail, you know.
Don't get soft on me now, Jeff.
We've got some heavy lifting for the Lord to do.
Our son is not marrying an atheist.
Okey doke.
This is nice, right? What do you reckon this thing's supposed to be? Did you talk to your mother about letting us stay in the same room this time? I'll get those for you.
- It would just be easier - You're a pussy.
You know that? I know.
I never said I wasn't a pussy.
[AIR HISSING STEADILY.]
[CPAP MACHINE WHIRRING.]
[ALARM BUZZES.]
Jeff, it's time.
[SWITCH CLICKS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[MUFFLED SCREAM.]
Okay.
Let's do this.
So, what exactly was in this syringe you stuck into your son's fiancée's leg? Propofol.
As a veterinary nurse, I have access to some very powerful sedatives.
The trick is figuring out how much to use, so I just tripled the dose we gave a cocker spaniel who had a hysterectomy.
Can you believe that's what she sleeps in? Talk about skimpy.
Looks like something Farrah Fawcett would wear on her honeymoon.
Just look at those nipples.
Don't actually look, Jeff.
That's an expression.
Oh, sorry, I-I couldn't tell from your inflection.
I mean, goodness gracious, what's wrong with a proper pair of old-fashioned, tasteful PJ's? What, has that girl never heard of Lands' End? - [VEHICLE APPROACHES.]
- I-I know.
Times change.
[ENGINE REVS.]
[KEYS JANGLE.]
This is why I want a normal job.
I could go back to school.
Do you remember that commercial we saw? If you say the words "air-conditioning repair" to me again, I swear to God I will stab you with a fork.
[KEYS CLATTER.]
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING.]
Jeff and I had already prepared the hot tub area for Lynn's baptism.
We had lit some candles we had brought from the church and I changed Lynn into a more tasteful outfit as Jeff averted his eyes.
The whole ceremony only takes about 10 minutes.
Jeff dunked her under water about four times, holding her nose to make sure she didn't drown.
I dried her off the best I could and put her back into her nightgown If you can call it that.
[DOOR CREAKS, CLOSES.]
Some lunatic wrote a filthy story in the guest book about women and feet.
I can't imagine how crowded Hell must be these days.
- Good morning.
- Good morning! - How'd you sleep? - Great.
Must be the mountain air.
I feel amazing.
Lynn can blame it on the mountain air all she wants, but I knew why she felt the way she did.
It was the first time she woke up with the Lord in her soul.
And because of that, we all started to get along.
But I'm not saying definitively that there is no God.
I mean, how could I? My doubt of a higher being is based on the absence of proof.
So, there's an argument to be made that without tangible proof that there is no God, I can't logically rule it out.
I was feeling so good about the change that was happening in Lynn that I got brave enough to take a little gamble.
Lynn, listen.
I know you have your beliefs, and I totally respect that.
But I bought something for you before I knew about the whole atheist thing, and I've been holding onto it, which is really silly because it's just a beautiful piece of jewelry.
Oh, my.
Look at that.
There's a little Jesus on there.
Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Or, it's just a pretty necklace with a very fit, long-haired hippie on a cross.
It doesn't matter who you think it is.
There's no denying that the blue of his tears really makes your eyes pop.
Thank you.
I love it.
You're welcome.
Did you sleep with the window open? Yeah, but the screen was shut.
Hey, have you guys gotten bitten by any bugs while we're here? Lynn woke up with something weird on her leg.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, my.
- Good Lord.
It's bad, right? I told you it was bad! - Well, I don't know.
- JILL: No, no, no.
It's not bad.
It's, um, just a bug bite.
Last time we were up here, I had something very similar.
It'll go away.
It'll go away.
It'll go away.
Dear Lord, as I have told you repeatedly throughout the day, we have a problem.
Lynn's leg is still red and inflamed around the injection site.
Will you stop reading and get down on your knees? I already prayed when you were in the bathroom shaving your calluses.
- Did you pray about Lynn's leg? - Yeah, mostly.
I chatted with him a little bit about my brother's problem, but no, most of it was about the leg.
Your brother is a drunk who was fired from Krispy Kreme.
I can't have the Lord preoccupied with that right now.
Get on your knees.
I just started a chapter.
Get on your knees.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry about that, Lord.
Where was I? - I'm here now, too.
- He can see that.
Lord, I know you work in mysterious ways, but I need you to make that mark go away.
Things have been better than ever since Lynn's baptism, so I don't know why you put that mark there.
In any event, I need it to disappear pronto.
And for that, I pray.
- What are you doing? - Oh, getting into bed.
You haven't prayed again yet.
Well, I thought as long as I was next to you, - it was like I was - [SIGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Lord, it's me again Jeff.
How 'bout we put a pin in all that stuff about what my brother may or may not have done to those jelly doughnuts? Instead, I'd like to draw your attention to the matter my wife was discussing.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[LYNN SCREAMS.]
What's going on? [GASPS.]
Aah! You're sure you don't want to talk to me alone? Why? I told you He fell on the fork.
I'd like to hear it from him.
I fell on the fork.
Well, you're the one who wanted to separate.
If you can't live on the money we agreed on, then maybe you should think about getting a job.
Oh, that's funny to you.
It looks like she has a MRSA staph infection.
Oh, that's not good.
We had a hamster that had one of those, - and we had to burn him.
- Yeah, I'm still here.
You gonna put my son on so I can sing him a "Happy Birthday" before he goes to school or not? No, I'm not saying he shouldn't brush his teeth.
Jesus, Jessica, does everything have to be a fight? - How could this happen? - All it takes is the tiniest cut - for an infection to get in.
- Get in from where? Oh, the MRSA virus is everywhere.
You can pick it up from a hotel doorknob, a public restroom, even a hot tub if it's not cleaned properly.
- Oh, dear Lord.
- We have her on I.
V.
antibiotics.
We're gonna do everything we can to save her leg.
- Can I see her? - She's in exam room four.
We'll be admitting her upstairs soon.
Eddie, if you're here to get oxy again, I'm gonna need to see a broken bone.
I am not giv Hey, buddy! Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you - BOTH: Happy Birthday dear - Bryce.
Bryce [HARMONIZING.]
Happy Birthday to you How 'bout that, huh? I don't know.
Just some guy.
But isn't that nice? Happy Birthday, buddy.
I just don't get it, man.
Why are you doing this to me? I baptized an atheist for you.
That's like dragging Osama bin Laden into the White House and making him sing the national anthem while eating a hot dog! Why are you punishing me? I told you this was a bad idea.
We should've stayed home and baptized her in our own bathtub.
God knows who's been soaking their infected body in that hot tub.
That's right.
You knew exactly who had been in that hut tub.
How the heck did you allow this to happen? [ETHAN CLEARS THROAT.]
How long have you been standing there? Pretty long.
Ethan was less than pleased.
How could you do this?! I did it for you.
Trust me, you do not want to be married to an atheist.
You think God's gonna pay attention to you and your little half-atheist babies? And it was working, too.
You saw how nice Lynn was being after we baptized her.
She admitted there might be a God.
She even put on the crucifix I gave her.
Because I bribed her! I told her if she put up with you and played nice that I would I made a deal with her.
- What deal? - It doesn't matter.
It does matter.
I would like to know what having your fiancée pretend to like us and act like she is somewhat open to the existence of God - is worth to you.
- Fine.
I told her that I would go down on her four times for every time she goes down on me.
Oh, man.
That's a crap deal, son.
Why are you telling us this? You told me to! Well, that's before I knew what it was.
You knew what it was.
You should have known better.
You knew what it was.
Why did you let him tell us? Look, Ethan, when you tell Lynn about this I'm not telling Lynn about this! - You're not? - Hell, no! Guys, look at me.
I'm a chubby grocery store manager who sleeps with a loud-ass machine that keeps me alive at night.
An atheist with one leg who blows me 25% of the time that I go down on her is as good as I'm gonna do, and I'm not risking losing her over this.
Ah.
If she loses that leg, you might be able to renegotiate that deal.
The next few days were torture.
We didn't know if Lynn was gonna live.
But eventually, we got some good news.
The antibiotics worked.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh! - Oh! She has to see her doctor when she gets home, - but she's gonna be fine.
- Thank God.
- You gave us quite a scare, honey.
- Tell me about it.
Come on, Dad.
Let's - pull the car around.
- Yeah.
- Is that a new turtleneck? - Yeah, I got it at a thrift store, but it's new to me.
I'm so glad you're gonna be okay.
- Me, too.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
To tell you the truth, I kind of have you - to thank for it.
- Me? When you gave me this necklace, I have to admit I accepted it just to be polite.
But after I'd been in here a couple of days, I started to get scared.
You know? Really scared.
And being an atheist, I had nowhere to turn, so I just took a shot.
I prayed.
And I felt better.
I felt like Like I wasn't alone.
And then the next thing I knew, the medicine started working.
I've always been a non-believer because I've never seen proof that God existed, but I can't claim that anymore.
I welcomed him into my life, and I think he healed me.
Who knows.
Maybe this was His plan all along.
What do they say "The Lord works in mysterious ways"? Yeah.
That's what they say.
Wow.
My head wants to condemn your actions, but my heart is full of God's adoration.
You brought a new member into his flock.
Yeah, I sure did.
And that makes us even 'cause I'm leaving.
Excuse me? I didn't come here to confess, Father.
- I came to resign.
- I don't understand.
That son of a bitch up there has put me through the goddamn ringer.
Did He take the mark off her leg when I asked him to? No, He made it bigger.
But when she asked him to heal her, a goddamn atheist, and suddenly, he's all ears.
What, is he into younger girls? - Is that what this is all about? - Jill, I don't think I have been to church every Sunday of my life because I thought it would lead to a better life.
And guess what? I'm still waiting.
Driving around in my mother's old station wagon because I give 10% of everything I make to the church.
And don't even get me started on the lousy body your buddy God gave me to parade around in.
- You're a beautiful woman.
- My nipples are an inch long! Jeff won't even go near them.
They look like the tail end of a balloon animal.
Ah, but you should see the nipples that he put on the atheist.
- Jill, if you would just - Oh, save it, Padre.
I gave 63 years of my life to that dude, and this is how he treats me? I don't have time for this bullshit.
I'm out.
["GETTING READY TO GET DOWN" PLAYING.]
Mama got a look at you and got a little worried Papa got a look at you and got a little worried Pastor got a look and said, "Y'all better hurry "Send her off to a little Bible college in Missouri" And now you come back sayin' you know a little bit about Every little thing they ever hoped you'd never figure out Eve ate the apple 'cause the apple was sweet What kinda God would ever keep a girl from getting what she needs And I'm Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Now people cross the street when you walk in their direction Talk between their teeth, throwin' epithets And the doctor thinks a devil must've got you by your senses But to live the way you please doesn't sound like possession It's four long years studyin' the Bible Infidels, Jezebels, Salomes, and Delilahs Back off the bus in your own hometown Sayin' you didn't like me then, probably won't like me now And I I'm getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down All the men of the country club, ladies of the 'xilliary Talkin' 'bout love like it's apple pie and liberty To really be a saint, you gotta really be a virgin Dry as a page of the King James Version Oh-la-las, oh, hell, yes I can't wait, I gotta see you againses Turn the other cheek, take no chances Jesus hates your high school dances [DOOR OPENS.]
They said your soul needed savin', so they sent you off to Bible school You knew a little more than they had heard was in the Golden Rule When you get damned in the popular opinion - [BEEPS.]
- It's just another damn of the damns you're not giving and I I'm getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down Getting ready to get down MAN: Let me do the talking.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
- In a hurry? - Sorry, officer.
Um, normally, I would be the one driving, but we stopped for lunch, and my boss back there pressured me into having a couple of beers.
Anyway, just to be extra careful, I let ol' lead foot here drive us up the rest of the way to, uh, Froggy Cottage.
So, maybe you could let us off with a warning? I guess that sounds fair.
So your boss Was he drinking as well? Which boss? Sir, will you step out of the car, please?