The Hotwives of Orlando (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

TAWNY: Previously on Hotwives of Orlando I refuse to let Phil's impending death get me down.
This is my new walk, what do you think? I like most of it.
Anthony knows that he ever cheated on me, I would cut off his (BLEEP) and feed it to the raccoons that live by the railroad.
You are going to kick ass, baby.
I love it! I'm just hoping that the show will get my life together.
VERONICA: Get in line, boys, 'cause I'm open and ready for business.
In my vagina.
CRYSTAL: In the name of the Father, the Son and the double D's, amen! AMANDA: I'm drunk, high and drunk.
Now that's what I call a triple threat.
SHAUNA: What did you say to me? Say it to my face! PHE PHE: I am Phe Phe.
Hear me roar.
I said, "Hear me roar, mother (BLEEP).
" TAWNY: Some people call me a philanderer, but to them I say, "What's that?" (SIGHS) I've had a really tough week.
But I'm coping the best I can.
Me and Tawny haven't talked since the fight.
You need to calm down.
Why don't you calm down? I mean She was my best friend.
But then she told me to calm down.
(CHUCKLES) I mean, what am I? A person who's not calm? I don't think so.
"Calm down"? No, no.
You can't come back from that.
So, I decided to throw a pimps and hoes party.
A pimps and hoes party is when everyone gets together and dresses like a pimp or a ho.
I chose ho.
We've got some amazing new pieces in Cracker.
Be sure you check out the fall collection from Hooker.
Orlando has some of the best "whore couture" in the entire country.
Oh, my God! I love this.
How much is this skirt? Maybe even the world.
Have you talked to Tawny since the fight? There is no way I am talking to that crazy bitch.
Not after what she did to me.
Shauna and Tawny were best friends.
But some things can't be unsaid.
You need to calm (DISTORTED) down.
I have said that to people before.
And I swear to God, I had to run for my life.
But it's when you wanna fight.
That's what you say when you want to fight.
She said to me, "Calm down.
" Every time you say it, I want to hit you.
And we're not even having a fight right now.
You know what I'm saying? You say, "Calm down," I wanna hit you in your face.
Even just when you said it right now, I swear to God, I got so mad I could feel it bubbling up in me.
I thought, I thought, when I said calm down back to you You said it again.
I'm so mad right now.
I'm so mad right now! - I didn't mean to bring it all back.
- Don't say it again! Don't say it again.
I will kill you! I didn't mean to bring it all back.
It's gonna be all right.
Calm down? Ooh! You know I always speak my mind.
But I would never tell anybody to calm down.
(SCOFFS) Okay, so fitting rooms are right over here.
And just let me know if you guys need any new sizes.
Or you want me to cut the crotch out of anything.
Or add tear stains, semen stains - Oh, you guys do that? - We do that, so Thank you, okay.
Whatever, okay? I'll be right back to check on you.
(GASPS) Girls! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! I was shopping at Whor, and then I ran into Shauna and she told me about her whore party.
I mean, if that's not divine intervention, then I clearly don't know what that means.
Do you have this in a smaller size? Um Oh! Oh.
(MATERIAL RIPPING) - So nice.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God! What do you guys think? - You look like Princess Kate.
- So elegant.
- So classy.
- You guys are gonna make me cry.
Thanks.
VERONICA: I mean, I love a pimps and hoes party.
But unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to attend.
Because I have to deal with a Serious medical issue.
Um The doctor says that I have to have a vaginal lift.
Because I have a deviated septum.
In my vagina.
It's not it's not because I have a saggy vagina, or like very loose, large labia or anything like a big hole.
No.
It's just, you know, I really want my vagina to be able to breathe properly.
Veronica, hello.
You feeling good? Well, that's what the boys say.
That I feel good.
When they are inside me.
Do you get it? You asked me a question expecting me to answer about my mood.
But I twisted it around to be, "Does my body feel good to have intercourse with?" (BOTH LAUGH) Why don't we take a look? Oh! There we go.
Hmm.
Okay.
(MARKER SQUEAKING) Ooh Doctor, um I'm I'm actually not here for my face today.
I'm here for the vaginal lift.
Oh! Oh, oh.
That's right.
(LAUGHS) Well, good thing 'cause your face is so perfect.
(BOTH LAUGH) All right.
Let's go to it.
(CLATTERING) - Oh! - My bad.
- Just ignore it.
- Oh! (MARKER SQUEAKING) Is this the actual procedure or Just just making some notes.
I have a notepad in my - handbag.
- No need, no need.
Okay.
- Oh.
- (SIGHS) So, a vaginal lift is going to tighten your labia.
But most importantly, cure my deviated septum.
- Yes.
Okay.
- Yes.
Now, you just wanna pick the vagina you'd like.
Oh, great.
This is the fun part.
Great.
Here we go.
Yes.
(LAUGHS) Quite fun.
- Now, this is our TYX model - (GASPS) Oh! People are so greedy.
They find out you have money, and then they just start suing you for the stupidest stuff, like slander, or non-payment for services rendered, punching them in the face.
That's why I'm for tort reform.
Now, twist it.
Twist it, twist it.
- SHAUNA: Anthony! - There you go.
- Honey, I'm home! - ANTHONY: Twist it.
Damn! Work that pipe.
Who is this this girl, this bitch sucking you off? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You stupid idiot.
This is the plumber, Alex.
- Come on, he's a man.
- ALEX: Yeah.
He's not a man.
Alex? Look at the long hair and no, that is a woman.
Look, she doesn't even have an Adam's apple.
Look, he has a beard.
- Obviously it's a disguise.
- Ow! I see that it's a disguise.
Shauna! Shauna, stop that.
Stop that! I'm stronger.
See? - Ahhh! - No, no.
It's a girl! Look, it's a man's beard.
This is a girl, bitch and Come here.
You ought to calm down, bitch! Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
What did you just say? I apologize for calling your wife a bitch, but she's being I don't care, she is a bitch.
That's not what I'm talking about.
Calm down? We do not use the calm down word in my household.
We'll use the bitch word or the (BLEEP) word, or the whore word.
You used the "CD" phrase in my house on my wife.
What, "calm down"? - You (BLEEP)! - Why won't anybody calm down? Nobody tells my wife to calm down but me! - (ALEX SCREAMING) - SHAUNA: Get him, sweetie.
Get him! - Punch him! - (ALEX GRUNTS) Hit him in the face! (BOTH GRUNTING) Kill her! All right, all right, listen.
You people are (BLEEP) crazy, all right? I'm gonna sue your asses! Yeah? Get in line! - How do you get out of this - Twist it.
(ALEX GRUNTS) I'm gonna invoice you! (SIGHS) - I'm sorry he said that.
- Thank you, sweetie.
No.
I know you cheated on me with her, but I appreciate you beating her up afterwards.
It was weird.
He didn't have an Adam's apple.
(GIGGLING) (INDISTINCT TALK) Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You drinking booze, doesn't pay for itself.
$20 cover, come on.
You're looking so good.
- Ahhh! - Everybody say, "Ho"! Oh, my God.
I thought that was an elephant.
(LAUGHING) Hi.
Come on, everybody, do the wave! Who wants to have some fun? Oh, you know what? Let's just let him relax.
Sometimes it takes him some time to come down from a game.
Oh, go in.
- Hi! - BOTH: Mwah, mwah! Hey, y'all.
I don't approve of this pimps and hoes party, but I don't wanna go to a boring Christian friend's house 'cause they're all sober, so let's get our drink on.
Okay.
I love it.
Oh, my God, you look fantastic.
Oh, my God, you have never looked better - Hi! - SHAUNA: Oh.
CRYSTAL: Shauna, you remember my friend Alli.
- Hi, this is such a great party! - Hi.
I don't know why nobody wants to go.
Wow, hi.
She's such a riot.
I'm not the biggest fan of Crystal's friend Alli.
Mostly because she's a troublemaking bitch and I hate her.
I'm not one of the hotwives, but if I wanted to be one of the hotwives, I'm sure I could be one of the hotwives.
But I'm not right now.
But I could be if I wanted to be.
(BOTH LAUGH) I love the costume.
It's great.
Yeah, speaking of costumes This is amazing! Oh, thank you! I borrowed it from my toddler.
Oh, I think you look amazing.
- You look so fantastic.
- Thank you.
It's just weird 'cause Phe Phe said you look like you had granny sloppy tits.
You've been Phe Phe'd.
(LAUGHING) Amanda, where'd you come from? I haven't been home since, uh Since Tawny's charity party.
I've been just, you know, wandering the streets, just (SIGHS) Making friends, robbing liquor stores, keeping busy.
So the coach is like, "Stay off the court "when the game is going on.
" And I'm like, "But that's when the team needs me the most.
" You know? Yeah, who's gonna know better than you? Right? - Exactly.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey, baby girl.
- Hi.
- Can you get me a beer? But I just sat down.
Sweetheart, serve thy husband and thou shall know the kingdom of heaven.
- Proverbs.
Right? - You're right.
Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, and put a lime in it.
Ecclesiastes.
Oh, there is a ton of respect in our marriage.
She respects me as the man of the house and I respect that she does what I say.
Why'd you ask that? She say something about me? Crystal.
Crystal.
Baby, your breasts shake when you laugh.
Okay, you gotta put on a jacket.
But, baby, I don't have a jacket.
You do now.
I just tore this curtain off.
I'm a Christian, I'm not Episcopalian, all right? So I really wanted to make it look like a real whorehouse.
You know what I mean? PHE PHE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Shauna! Shauna, Tawny is here and she looks better than you.
Don't be like that.
(LAUGHS) (SIGHS) Hi.
Thank you for coming.
(INDISTINCT) I never wanted to see Shauna again after what she said to me.
Why don't you (DISTORTED) Calm down! But I'm not gonna miss a pimps and hoes party 'cause she's a bitch.
I mean, look at this body.
Tonight is not about grudges, it's about good friends hanging out, being whores together.
Tawny! Tawny! Honey.
You see Tawny? Tawny.
You know Tawny? Tall whore, red boots.
Phil.
Heath.
Heath! (CHUCKLES) Come on! Oh! That's so good! Tawny is so committed to the party theme she pretended to turn a trick with Heath.
I got you! I got you! Worth it.
Oh, we have fun.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, you guys.
Veronica's on FaceTime, come see.
SHAUNA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
ALL: (GASPS) Hi! Hi, baby girl.
How's the party? I'm so sad I couldn't make it.
Oh.
Get it? Make it.
- Aw! - Don't try to make innuendos right now.
You could hurt yourself.
- SHAUNA: How does it look? Can we see it? - TAWNY: Can we see? Of course you can see.
Here.
I'll pan down.
I'm putting it on landscape.
Let me know if you need panoramic.
Can you see it? - (ALL GASP) - Oh, my God! Oh.
Oh, my God.
That is so pretty.
It's perfect.
It's gaping.
It looks like a tiny man in a canoe.
Oh, old canoe that someone painted to look new.
Phe Phe.
(ALL LAUGH) You have two vaginas No.
No.
No, no.
- That's her butt.
- Oh, that's her (BLEEP).
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
VERONICA: You know, it really meant a lot to me how supportive the girls were about my vaginal lift.
I just wish my nana was around to see it.
I think she would have been very proud.
Everybody! Hello, everybody! Attention, pay attention to me.
Tawny.
I'm talking, pay attention to me.
Thank you so much for coming out to our pimps and hoes party tonight.
And we have a very special treat tonight that's gonna make this evening even more funner.
I have for you a real live pimp and ho! (ALL CHEERING) So, please let me introduce to you Tito and Carmelotta.
(ALL CHEERING) All right.
And we are going to have prostitution lessons.
(ALL SCREAMING) I I love these corporate gigs 'cause, you know, obviously it's a lot easier on my vagina.
You know, and there's like so much (BLEEP) to steal.
All right, so, everybody, guys, Tito is gonna teach you how to pimp down here.
Ladies, follow me up to my bedroom and Carmelotta will teach us how to be whores.
Come on up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What No.
No, no, no.
Anybody else hear that? You want the women to go to a separate place than the men? But, TJ, it's just a prostitution lesson.
- You be quiet.
- (ALL GASP) (SCOFFS) I don't care if they're rhinoceros lessons, which, by the way, would be awesome.
You know, how am I supposed to know what she's doing if I can't see her? Blind trust? Listen up.
In case y'all don't read the Bible, prostitution's a sin.
Just like murder and adultery and female orgasm.
Let's go.
Thank you for coming.
Mwah! Mwah! I really hope you don't go to hell 'cause you're so pretty, Shauna.
- Aw, thank you, sweetie.
- TJ: Now, mommy! - Okay.
- TAWNY: Bye, baby girl.
- Have a good night.
Bye, have a good night.
- ALL: Bye! Love you.
Wow, wow.
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
It's like fine, fine.
I don't care.
Have your beliefs.
But don't bring your religion into my prostitution party.
I'm sorry, but that TJ is so controlling.
Okay, and ugly.
Hashtag Phe Phe.
(ALL LAUGH) He never lets Crystal do anything fun.
Yeah, and he always wants anal.
Hashtag Alli.
Whoo-hoo! What? Don't do that.
Don't do that.
This isn't mine.
If you shave your wife's (BLEEP), your (BLEEP) will look bigger.
And that's science.
PHE PHE: This is too much.
Right.
All right.
Before we start, um, does anyone have crack? And so this bitch was saying, "I got a kid.
" Blah, blah, blah.
And I said, "Bitch, you gonna make that money or I'm gonna cut you.
" Shove your ass back.
ALL: Oh.
Then you look back.
Bend, and then you look back.
Would these kind of moves maybe kill an older man? - Tito.
- Yes, Phil? Uh, what if the bitch is your wife and you really, really love her a lot? TITO: Doesn't matter.
Never trust a ho.
(LAUGHS) Yeah! I am sorry about that, Tito, uh, you know, I cannot agree with that because I trust Tawny implicitly.
(CHUCKLES) Phil's like a father to me.
And I'm like his son, who's (BLEEP) my mother.
Oh, wait.
I just got that.
Gross? No, still hot.
Hey, baby, you want a date? CARMELOTTA: Name your price.
How much would I charge for a butt job? All right, butt jobs, it all depends on performance and experience.
It's like, what can you do with that ass, can you pop it? Now that is something I can do.
Now, my wife has too much self-esteem.
How do you break that down? - (ALL AGREEING) - Well, if you say, "Your ankles look a little fat.
" Hi.
Hey, baby, I wanna eat your (BLEEP).
Ooh.
Okay.
Okay.
I hate to say it, but Shauna just doesn't have that special something to be a great ho.
Like, how much would a guy how much would that be? Depends on your skill level, really, like Anthony doesn't say I'm very good at it.
Okay, so maybe you are gonna wanna bundle that - with maybe another service.
- SHAUNA: Okay.
Okay, maybe with like a handy, a hand job.
- I have eczema.
- Huh.
Now, if you look at the pie graph that I have created here, you'll notice that 75% of pimpin' is bookkeeping.
So what you wanna do is open up Quicken What, you don't use QuickBooks? QuickBooks are for little bitches.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm so sorry, you're doing so great.
Shauna, Tawny rolled her eyes at you like, "Oh, Shauna's not very good at being a prostitute.
" And I just wanted you to know because you're like my best friend in the whole world.
(WHISPERING) So, I just wanted you to know.
(MOUTHING) So you don't think I'm very good at this? It's just that some women are prostitute material and some just aren't.
Are you calling me not a whore? If the G-string fits.
Ooh! Let's take this to the streets.
Let's see who is a better whore.
You know I'm a better whore.
I'm a better Let's have a whore-off! I'm the kind of person that if you tell me I can't do something, I'm gonna be the best at that thing.
So I told Carmelotta to take me and Tawny down to the seediest part of downtown Orlando, and we're gonna find out who is the better prostitute once and for all.
Hi, sweetie.
You want a ride? - MAN: Or a date.
- Oh, a date.
Thank you.
Thank you for correcting.
I need notes.
- These are good.
These are good.
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) When they say hit pimp-hand, why do you hit with the back of your hand? From my instinct, it's front.
'Cause you don't wanna get makeup on your hand.
What happened in that car? That guy was my old middle school teacher.
I gave him a hand job.
Next batter, next batter.
All right, I can do this.
Aw, my parents have the same car.
I've always wanted to have sex in it.
Rug or no rug? Dude, I would shave everything.
I made $20.
I got a piece of gum and an IOU for a backrub.
I call my wife a dummy, is that okay? If I don't say bitch or ho? - Hey, hey - No, no, no, no Hi, babe Hi, baby.
Hi, baby.
You want a date? No, no, no.
Hey! I was here first.
CARMELOTTA: This guy is all for me.
TAWNY: Okay, I'm gonna have sex with him.
Move! My bitch slappin' hand, I put in a box of tissues and I sleep with it like that.
This is my living, okay? Get out, please.
You need to calm (BOTH GASP) Oh! You need to calm down.
Calm down? I have never been so disrespected.
And I've been peed on.
CARMELOTTA: Get the (BLEEP) off my street now! MAN: Get in! Ha, ha.
Calm down, calm down, calm down.
You calm down! Calm down! So in the end the john picked me.
I won.
(SOFTLY) I won.
S to the haloms, y'all! It's me, Matty G, here bringing you The Hotwives Cool Down in just a few minutes.
Wow! That pimps and hoes party took a really fun and depressing turn.
We'll talk all about it tonight with my guests, Cee Lo Green and Christiane Amanpour.
We'll also ask them which of them would make a better prostitute and play the game, "Butthole or Vag.
" 'Cause as we saw in Veronica's case, sometimes it's too hard to tell.
And stay tuned after for the debut of Tito and Carmelotta's new show, Ho Is Where The Heart Is.
Ciao for now.