The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[upbeat opening credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend ♪
Pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
[cursor twittering]
[gentle voice] So what you're going
to want to do
- [pleasant music playing]
- is take about two inches of ribbon.
You can use any color you like.
I've chosen green.
[chuckles softly]
It's a a burlap tweed.
It's fun.
It's the holidays.
And then, you're just going to simply
come around the belly of the potato,
and you just kind of wanna
get it comfortable, right?
Maybe he's drying off after a shower.
And you're going to [pops word] slip
it in
like so.
[takes a deep breath] Oh, it fell down.
[chuckles]
Let's get that back up there.
There we go.
And tie it
Oh! Not too tight.
You don't want tater tots
coming out of your tater.
[laughs heartily]
So it's one [pops word] loop
around
[takes a deep breath] through it.
And you just wanna be delicate.
It doesn't have to be perfect.
[inhales deeply]
Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at that.
And you can use this
anywhere.
You could take this as a a gift,
perhaps at a a party.
It's for the holidays,
it's seasonal,
it's perennial.
[takes a deep breath and exhales]
Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at that.
[whispers] Look at that.
[screen chimes]
[cursor ticking]
- [suspenseful music playing]
- [male host] A mystery
on the open sea,
when Mystery at Sea continues.
[woman] There are so many secrets,
and so many questions.
[man] What happened out there?
We may never know.
On Thursday, July 19th,
Lewis Brooks and his wife Diana
boarded their midsize sailing yacht
off the coast of San Diego.
They each packed for a two-night journey,
but on Saturday, they returned.
Nobody had disappeared and nobody
had been murdered?
Couple goes on a boat,
and the wife doesn't die?
Something doesn't add up.
By Monday morning, Diana was back
at work. Just like
everything was normal.
The whole thing was suspicious
from the get-go. I mean,
she's a woman
going on a boat with a man.
Statistically speaking,
she should be dead.
[echoing clang rings out]
[Greg] Everything seemed fine.
There were no signs of violence.
- [suspenseful music fades]
- That's what's so strange.
[curious music plays]
[host] Lewis Brooks
was an investment banker.
His wife, Diana,
a public school vice-principal.
But now
they both still do those things.
I don't have the numbers off hand,
but I believe it's something
like 100% of women
who go on boats with their husbands
come back murdered.
[Henry] When I heard the wife
came back alive, I was like, "Oh!
She killed him!"
It's 2020. That can happen, sure.
But when they both came back alive
Some things just can't be explained.
[Greg] When she told me
she was going on a boat trip
with her husband,
I did what any friend would do.
I planned a funeral,
and I called the local news.
[inhales] I still haven't gotten
used to the fact
[voice breaks] that she's still here.
What happened on the water?
I seen a lot of couples
coming off that dock.
Romantic boat rides for a couple hours,
couple of days, what have you.
I ain't never seen no couple like that,
where they both come back.
When you wake up in the morning,
you're not expecting to see
an alive couple coming off of a boat.
Nothing prepares you for that.
[curious music continues]
Text messages from the days
leading up to the boat trip
showed nothing out of the ordinary.
But after they returned,
experts noticed something truly bizarre.
There's not a single text
from him to a friend saying, "It's done,"
or from her to a lover saying,
"We can be together now."
For a boat ride
that is unusual.
This reenactment depicts
what may have happened
on that fateful weekend.
Experts think that, at some point,
they likely went to the downstairs part
of the boat.
As you can see,
shocking and inexplicable.
Local police worked the case for months
trying to figure out
just how something like this
could have happened.
[Joan] Oh, yes. I have read
all of the theories, maybe the
the gun slipped out of his hand
and fell into the ocean,
maybe the poison didn't take.
Um, I even read one that said,
"Maybe they just loved each other
and wanted to go on a boat."
[scoffs] So.
It's almost as strange
as the Dr. Daniel case from last year.
A woman meets a "doctor" online.
Turns out he's really a doctor,
and now they're living together
and everything's okay.
If you ask me,
I think he did kill her.
And he replaced her with a twin
no one knew about.
That's the only thing
that makes any sense.
So
[stammers] What's the show about again?
- Mystery at Sea.
- [boom echoes]
The bombshell 86-hour
documentary event continues
after this.
[whistles]
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [pleasant music playing]
- And to finish off your trout,
you just wanna make
a simple bow.
[takes a deep breath]
[inhales deeply]
Finishing touch
and there we go.
Doesn't that look normal?
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[man] I mean, if it's your manager,
I would say,
"Yeah, let him take your idea."
And always remember to force a laugh,
even if it's not funny.
- [members chuckle]
- [woman] Okay. Yeah.
Uh
Okay. Who's next?
Hi, I'm Melinda.
[all] Hi, Me--
Oh, hey. Tch, tch, tch
We know who you are.
- You're not a big deal. Everybody.
- [all mumble]
[together] We know who you are.
[together] You're not a big deal.
- Great.
- [Melinda] Thank you, guys. Thank you.
Uh Well, when me and my friends
eat junk food,
they always complain
about how gross they feel.
And I want to be included,
but I never feel bad.
I actually like the way I look.
I don't know, what should I do?
[man] Hmm.
Keep it to yourself.
Right. [laughs] Thank you.
Uh Who would like to go next?
Hi. Uh, Michelle, again.
Um
I don't get offended
when I'm texting with a guy
and he ghosts. I
just genuinely feel like it's his loss.
Hmm.
- [members murmur]
- I just have really high self-esteem.
- [members consoling]
- [woman 1] It's okay. It's such a pain.
[woman 2] We all have it.
- Not your fault.
- [woman 2] We all have it.
[takes a breath] I like my thighs.
Like, I actually
like their round shape.
[clears throat] Last week, I gave an idea
at a work meeting
and I didn't proceed it with,
"Sorry, if I could just"
- [members] Oh!
- [woman 3] Ugh.
And why do you feel you don't need
to apologize for your presence?
[woman] Uh
It kind of feels like I have the right
to just jump in
and disagree because I know
that I'm as smart as everyone else is.
- [members murmur]
- Wow. You don't.
[man] Ladies, [stammers] it's important
to remember that boldness
in the workplace,
although touted as a virtue,
makes some people like you,
and make some people not like you.
[members] Oh
Yeah, and that uncertainty
should keep you up at night.
Clenching your jaw, can't sleep.
[woman 4] It is, it is.
We're talking about anxiety.
- Right? [laughs]
- [members laugh] Aw.
- And if you don't have it, get some.
- [all laugh]
Uh Okay, who
who wants to share next?
Guys, I let an old guy
explain directions to me,
and I was already in the parking lot
of where I was going.
[all laugh and applaud]
Guys, I really messed up this week.
I did a twerk video,
and I did not make a funny face
after it was done
to add levity to a sexual situation.
I just stared right at the camera
and licked my lips.
- [sighs] It's okay.
- I know.
- It's okay.
- Thank you.
[woman 5] You fucked up.
Um
When I meet another woman,
or, like, the girlfriend of an ex,
I give her a normal handshake,
and I look her in the eyes,
and I say, [cheery] "Hello."
[man] Okay.
Was this just one ex
or is it several exes?
It's I Um
Well, they're all exes.
Okay, so you're saying you date a lot.
- [members] Ooh
- [woman 6] Whore!
Piggybacking off of that sentiment,
um, when I walk into a bar,
I sort of hold my head up high,
and actually make eye contact
with the men.
[whispers] Is that
- [members mumble]
- That's bad.
Oh. Do you-- Do you own the bar?
No.
Oh! Yeah, don't.
Um My arms flap a little bit,
but I think it's kind of funny,
like wings.
- Like wings.
- [all laugh]
- Yeah! [laughs]
- [laughing continues]
[man] Okay, okay, that's, uh
That's enough laughter, I think.
Yeah. Let's keep it short.
And, also remember, repeat after me,
Girls are not funny.
[all] Girls aren't funny,
and they never will be funny,
- Or President.
- [man] Good.
Yeah.
Traegus.
The only muscle powder
that's nine percent ranch dressing.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
[exhales softly]
Ah
[Australian accent] Good morning,
fellow actors.
[exhales sharply]
[exhales sharply]
[Kip in interview] I'm Kip Wazzle.
I've been Nicole Kidman's stunt double
for over 20 years.
And lately, I've got the bug.
- The acting bug. So I--
- [toilet flushes]
- [faucet runs]
- Yeah, nice one.
Yeah. Cheers.
- So--
- [hand dryer hums]
I'm just gonna keep on talking.
That's how we do it in the biz.
- Nothing stops us.
- [door bangs shut]
Uh I've used some
of my Hollywood connections
to get the old 'roo hopping,
as we say.
[exhales sharply]
[receptionist] Excuse me.
- [Kip exhales]
- Uh, you need to sign in.
Sign in?
Sign your name
right here.
Right. Right-o.
Kip
Wazzle.
No autographs, please.
Except this one, right here.
[taps pen]
That's a good scribbler. [clicks pen]
- [clicking continues]
- Good structure.
Good pen ball retention.
Look at that. Look at that reaction time.
In, out. In, out.
[clicking continues]
Oh, quick, quick.
It's a fine pen.
Can I keep it? Ah, I'm just kidding.
- It's your pen.
- [chuckles]
Kip Wazzle, Jones and Wellesley
Rip 'Em Stunts Stunting Agency.
Height, one-point-nine meters.
Weight, a lady never tells.
- I would never ask.
- Six-point-two kilos.
Hair color, dyed blonde.
You know, the curtains
don't match the quokka.
Also, what are those?
Oh! For safety, right? [claps]
Safety first.
Well, they're just very distracting,
as is, uh, the full back brace.
Oh, you noticed.
It's an old injury, but
[blows air] I'm ready.
[exhales sharply]
I've done quite a bit of acting, actually.
You've gotta say the lines sometimes,
as a stunt double.
As a stunt woman.
I don't mean to assign gender.
Uh So I'm quite comfortable on camera.
[clapping] Look at the coordination.
[claps popping]
And that was me slowing it down.
- [feet rustling]
- [exhales sharply]
These sit-ups are called birthers.
[blows air] Really grounds
the pelvic floor.
And then you gotta do bum squeezes.
Hold it tight [grunts]
[breathlessly] Bum squeeze.
Gotta have a tight bum.
Don't wanna be the only actress out there
without a tight bum.
You'll stand out like dog's balls.
[exhales sharply]
If I've learned one thing from stunting,
it's keep your tongue in your mouth
- and cover your genitals.
- [thuds and grunts]
- [splats]
- The other thing I've learned is,
don't be afraid to stand out.
[item shatters]
Oh, my God.
- No worries. It's just a breakaway stubby.
- [item shatters]
Okay, um
Do you wanna do the line?
Ma'am, take your chair.
The baseball is going.
Okay, so it's,
"Ma'am, you'll have to take your seat.
The baseball game is starting."
Ma'am, have your chair.
- "Seat."
- Have a sit.
"Take your seat."
[carefully] Have your seat.
"The baseball game is starting."
Take a sit. Our baseball is starting.
Perfect. Nailed it.
That was great.
The script said it was a thriller.
What am I?
What am I?
Who am I?
Michael Jackson.
[imitates Michael Jackson] Oh!
In acting, acting isn't everything.
Other actresses
might have the looks, right?
But can they do this?
- [grunts]
- [table clatters]
[pained] Oh!
[strained] My wrist guards
are all right. [exhales]
Safety first.
- [cheery music plays]
- [male host] Do you love Mom Alerts,
but wish it wasn't just bad news?
Introducing Mom Alerts 2.0.
[alert beeping]
I think I saw that Polish actor,
John Kaminski. Krasinski?
He was at the Rite Aid.
Send alert.
[host] Mom's messages
are turned into text,
- and sent out over our network.
- [alert beeps]
Today's Ally's birthday.
You should call her.
She's almost done with the divorce.
Send.
The other day, I got a Mom Alert
that was just a picture.
Of this drain, with no text.
Glad I have that.
[host] And sync up your app to your car
and your TV to start getting updates
- wherever you are.
- [alert beeps]
[automated voice] Incoming Mom Alert.
It is raining very hard.
[cheery music fades]
Uh, Michelle, what's going on
with your roommate situation
from last week?
Oh, um
So, last week,
I got these really cute jeans,
- and they look amazing on me.
- [man] No, let's
Let's stay away from the word "amazing".
Unless
Unless we're describing
somebody else's good news.
- Oh. Sorry.
- [man] Then it's okay.
That's very good, [chuckles] yeah.
"Sorry." I love that.
[stammers] Why don't you smile
a little bit more?
- [woman 1] Oh! Pretty.
- Thank you.
- You look so pretty.
- Thank you.
- [members laugh] Smile.
- [woman 2] Smile.
Don't smile so much.
Right? Let's just dim that light bulb
a little bit. That's good.
- Yeah. Right there.
- This?
[man] Yeah, like-- like
more lower teeth.
Yeah, that's it.
- We're there.
- This is it?
[man] We can put it aside for now.
- Just tell the story.
- Okay.
So I was trying on the jeans
in the living room,
and my roommate came in
and she saw me in the jeans,
and she just started saying
all these really mean things to me,
and then she said
she didn't wanna go out that night.
Uh So let me ask you,
is your roommate as attractive
as you think you are?
Or is she less attractive,
but you would describe her to a man
you were trying to set her up with as,
um "well traveled" and, like,
"so much fun to be around"?
Fine. No, she's
She's not as pretty as me.
Is that what you want?
Is that what you want?
I'm gonna answer for you. Yes.
Your life's been easier than hers.
[high-pitched] Um
All of my family is dead,
and I was in a car accident last year,
and just for the record,
I grew up, like,
really poor.
- Okay.
- So
But it doesn't matter.
Because you're hot now.
- [members exhale and agree]
- Right, right.
See, any past issues or trauma,
they don't count.
They don't count
because of how you look today.
- [woman 3] Okay.
- [man] Right?
So you being confident now
right, even if it's fleeting,
even if it's only for a moment,
flies in the face
of her constant struggles.
I was just wearing cute jeans and smiling.
I wasn't trying to hurt
[man] Okay, well, why don't we use
this famous women's intuition,
whatever the fuck that is, right?
And ask yourself,
how do you think
that makes your roommate feel?
Like nothing in her life
will ever be good enough?
Like her feelings on her best day
are still 100 times worse
than my feelings,
even on my shittiest day?
Like nothing she's ever done before
or will ever do in the future
will ever even matter
because the universe hates her,
so why doesn't she just move
to a forest and give up
because no one's
ever gonna read your pilot,
and these jeans are so fucking tight,
and I hate my hair,
[strained] and no man will ever love me
and I hate men,
[pained] but I really,
really want a boyfriend!
- [woman 4] Of course, you do!
- [members laugh and applaud]
- [man] Good job. Breakthrough, huh?
- [Michelle sobs]
Breakthrough for Michelle.
[high-pitched] Thank you.
[man] Okay, we can stop. Okay?
Michelle, sit down.
Uh, sit down, Michelle.
Yeah, just
You can stay seated.
[quietly] Okay.
We have to remember
that confidence is great, in theory.
But when you actually display it,
what?
[all] It intimidates others
because people see personal happiness
as a direct attack on them
because of their own
glaring personal insecurities.
Which aren't
[all] Which aren't your problem,
but will very soon become your problem
if you don't learn to please everyone
by toning down
anything you see as a plus.
- [man] Very good.
- Yay!
[members applaud and cheer]
But not that good.
Not that good.
- [screen chimes]
- [cursor ticking]
- [pleasant music plays]
- Welcome back to Make--
- What are you doing?
- I'm just, uh, tying a bow--
- [screams] No! No!
- Uh
[yelling] You're not supposed to
just tie it!
You've gotta have precision!
And, Carrie, you don't just tie a ribbon
- around a candle!
- [candle clatters]
How about I tie a ribbon
around your goddamn neck,
so you don't breathe so good anymore, huh?
[hysterically] It's my show!
[upbeat closing credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
You're the captain of the pontoon ♪
Now it's time
Yeah, you know it's true ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
Oh, oh! ♪