The Inbetweeners s01e02 Episode Script
Bunk Off
(Will) 'The local park, 'where people come to play football, 'hang out with their friends, and most importantly, let their dogs shit.
'Lt's not a cool place, admittedly, but it is a good place to stare at girls.
'Lf anything's worth braving this dogshit minefield for, it's staring at girls.
' You lot are so gay.
Why aren't we playing football? Chasing men around a field with your top off, what could be more gay? - You.
- Brilliant.
Anyway, we're playing Erisbee cos girls can join in.
- Trust me, girls love this.
- Border collies love this.
You're scared to play football in case Donovan joins in and breaks your legs.
That's not true.
Oh, my God Check out the Jugasaurus Rex! Shit.
And it's Carli.
Perfect.
Watch this.
Carli! Carli! Catch! Oh, fuck.
THUNK, SHE YELPS WOMAN YELLS Oh, my God.
I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
SHE SHOUTS ANGRILY IN DIALEC WOMAN CRIES So as I say, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
It's fine.
You've apologised about 30 times.
Come on.
I'm going to get my Erisbee.
SHE YELLS Oi! Those wankers are nicking that girl's Erisbee.
Hey! It's my Erisbee! I've got a receipt! (Shouts) I've got a receipt! 'And so, in what I can only describe as an attack of Erisbee rage, 'once again, we found ourselves running from Donovan.
' All right? - Not really.
- What's up? Well, think back, Neil.
Last time you saw us, before you legged it, a Erisbee was heading towards a disabled girl's face.
- Oh, did it hit her in the face, then? - Bingo! Was the girl in the wheelchair all right? I don't want to talk about it.
I've lost my Erisbee Aero B Pro.
Is the gayest sentence ever.
That's it.
We can't bunk off tomorrow now.
- (Jay) Why? - It's bad karma, innit? Eor hitting a spastic.
It could be a sign.
- That you've shit your pants? - I'm heading home.
- To wank over your mum's bras? - Well, my mum? Probably not! - Oh, good, can I have them, then? - No.
But you can have that.
- And that.
See you tomorrow.
- See you.
'I'd only been in state education a month and yet the next morning, 'I found myself ready to break the law.
'Lt was the truancy law, but it was still the worst thing I'd ever done.
' - Hello, William.
- Hello, Mrs Cooper.
Is Simon in? Yes, unless he ran away in the middle of the night.
Simon! - Yes, all right, Will, come in.
Why aren't you in uniform? We're sorry, Mrs Cooper, it was Jay's idea We're really sorry we forgot to tell you it was a non-uniform day.
- No, it's not.
Bye.
- Yes, it is.
Eor Years 12 and 13.
It is, you little shit! Right, so it's a Year 12 non-uniform day? Eor Christ's sake, Simon, you're 17 now and I don't want to play these stupid games.
It's a bloody non-uniform day, all right? I don't believe you.
Will? Yes, it's a non-uniform day.
See? Eine.
Eine.
But if you've lied to me I won't be angry, I will be really, really dlsappolnted.
How stupid is she that she totally believed us? Er, that's my mum.
Sorry, did you see the way I just lied to her? I totally did it.
We're bunking off.
Who are you calling? School.
I'll just say we're ill and won't be in today.
No, really.
Who are you calling? Don't shit your pants.
I'm only phoning the school secretary, not fucking Ml5.
(High voice) Hello, this is Mrs Cooper, Simon's mother, Year 12.
Simon and William MacKenzie have come down with food poisoning.
You're putting on your mum's voice? Oh, I'm sorry.
Mrs Cooper, you say your son is ill? Yes.
Well, Mr Gilbert, the Head of Sixth is just here.
I'll pass him over.
- No, there's really no need.
- We can still make it for English! Hello? Hello, this is Mrs Cooper.
Simon and his friend William are ill.
Goodbye.
- Mrs Cooper? - 'Yes.
' What exactly is wrong with Simon? (Voice breaks) Eood poisoning.
Simon, you're bullshitting me.
I think you'd better get to school.
- Cheers.
All the best.
- 'Get in before you make me ' Well, that was fucking dreadful.
- I think he bought it, though.
- In what way did he buy it? I think he thought that was my mum.
'So with our terrible alibi in place, 'phase two of the plan was how to get some booze.
' You look like you're on day release.
They'll never serve you.
What about this one? No, not one of his suits.
He'll go mental if he finds out.
- Shirts.
- Not the suit.
- Yes! - Not the suit.
'And so in Simon's dad's suit, and looking a bit like a Hasidic Jew, 'we headed for the off-licence.
' - What are you wearing? - The suit's my dad's.
He insisted.
- The hat's his, though.
- What a bell-end.
I'm just an adult man stocking up on booze.
This'll work.
£10 each, please.
And as none of you offered to do it, you can fuck off.
- What? - Nothing.
'Unlike those morons, I knew the key to getting served was confidence.
' DOOR CHIMES Good day.
Sorry? Good day.
Oh.
Hello.
Shut up! EINGERS CLICK Oh, shit.
What? Nothing.
It's Carli's mum, innit? Oi! - Jay, please don't.
She'll recognise me.
- He wants to suck your Carli's tits! Unbelievable.
'The key is to let the shop owner know who's in control.
'Lt's like a Jedi mind trick.
I am an adult.
'You will serve me.
' Can I help at all? Yes, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the local area and I'm having a house-warming party to which I'll be inviting a lot of the local adults.
Hence the crisps.
Yes And I'll also probably need some alcohol as well.
- As well as the crisps, et cetera - What sort of thing are you looking for? Some Beefeater gin.
- OK.
How about two bottles? - Excellent.
- Some wine? - Christ, no.
We're not made of money! And I'll have some extra-strong mints.
Eor those who are drink-driving.
Right - That comes to £29.
50.
Anything else? - What's on special? A bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you are out of the shop in five seconds.
Done.
My good man.
I shall invite you to the party.
Mission accomplished.
- What's in all the bags, then? - Just something to soak up the alcohol.
- Crisps? - Where's the beer? Have you spent all our money on fucking crisps? - You twat.
- What the fuck's this? Drambuie.
What's Drambuie? - It's a sort of whisky-based liqueur.
- What's a liqueur? - It's what benders drink.
- Well, why have we got that, then? We're heading back to yours and it's your dad's favourite drink.
My dad's not bent.
- He is a bit, though.
- He's fucking not.
Look at the evidence.
One, your mum left him because he loves cock.
No, she was in a difficult place! - In bed with a bender.
- Your dad, who is a bender.
Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.
The only night he goes out all week is Wednesday and that's to play badminton! ALL LAUGH My dad's not bent, because he's got porn mags at home and it's all straight.
- All straight? - Some lesbian.
- We should go and have a look.
- Eine, come on, then.
- This should be good.
- I bet it's 90% cock.
They must be round here.
I don't know where they could have gone.
Maybe he swapped them for an Abba boxset.
No, he probably shoved them up his arse.
Drink.
- What we gonna do today, then? - Anything we fucking well please.
- Specifically, what are we doing? - We could get hold of some birds.
Yeah, let's get some girls.
Great.
Where are all the girls? - At school.
- We'll wait for them to get out, then.
(Will) We're not going to do anything till half three? - We could have gone to school.
- We can't fucking do this.
Drink! Hello, Mrs Cooper? Sorry to bother you at work.
This is Mr Gilbert, Simon's Head of Sixth.
Your mum is so fit, Will, I reckon she could be a prostitute.
- Thanks.
- Have you wanked over Will's mum.
No.
Not yet.
Please don't have a wank over my mum.
I can't promise that, I'm afraid.
Yes, hello.
Is that Mrs MacKenzie, William's mother? Right, can I just check something with you, please? When we go away with the Caravan Club there's this bird and her sister who I've shagged for about two years.
Sometimes I get them to strum themselves while I watch.
Sorry, did you say you go on holiday in a caravan? - With the Caravan Club.
- In a caravan, like a gypo? If my mum told me we were going caravanning, I'd call Childline.
It's a sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays.
Of shitting in a bucket in a cupboard you don't get with other holidays, in England, with your parents.
Actually, it's a well-known fact that the Caravan Club is like a sex club all over Europe, which is why I've lost my cherry and none of you sad acts have.
- I could have got laid loads of times.
- No, you couldn't.
Yeah, I could.
But I want to lose it with someone I love.
What? Like Carli? Maybe I do love Carli.
She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's amazing.
Probably worth mentioning to her then, mate, if that's the way you feel.
Yeah, why not mention it? Worse that can happen, you get nothing.
Best that can happen, you get stinky fingers.
You really are one of the most disgusting humans I've ever met.
Oh, look out.
Prince Harry's had a few drinks and now he thinks he's hard! I am hard.
Being scared of teachers and brown-nosing everyone's parents is just an act? - I don't brown-nose anyone.
- You do a bit.
- Good manners cost nothing.
- A good shag costs nothing.
A good shag with Carli.
Eh? Carll's fanny on your face On your face Carll's fanny on your face! I keep catching myself on it.
It's a bloody menace.
SHOUTING EROM INSIDE Hang on, I think someone's in.
And your bell-end Carll's fanny on your face On your face Neil! What the hell is going on? This place smells like a brewery and not a nice one.
Jay, there is always trouble when you're around, but Will, I'm especially surprised at you.
So sorry, Steve.
Oh, piss off! What? Don't talk to me like that in my own house! Oh, I'm so sorry, my manners(!) Piss off, please.
- I've had enough of your lip.
- You'd like my lip, wouldn't you? Right round your bell-end, if Mr Chippy doesn't get there first.
What's he going to knock up? A closet for you to hide in, you bumder? 'Ln hindsight, I might have taken it a bit too far.
' Amazing! Jesus Christ.
"Bumder"?! Eair play to you, that was pretty special.
Bumder! It's a mixture of "bummer" and "bender".
He'll be all right about it, though.
He can take a joke.
That was taken as a joke.
"My lips around your bell-end"? Yeah, it should be fine! I love Carli.
I love Carli.
Shit, I've got to tell her.
What if she feels the same? Seems fairly unlikely.
Life is about these moments.
It's the things you don't do you regret.
The cavalier philosophy that caused my father to leave my mother.
You go for it.
Bumder.
'And so we headed for Carli's house.
' I feel a bit stupid doing this.
This is fine, isn't it? - Yeah.
Definitely.
- Yeah.
You would tell me if I was being a dick? - Of course I would.
- Yeah, yeah.
I think writing her surname is particularly important.
It is her drive, but you wouldn't want there to be any Carli-based confusion.
Yeah, I reckon if you put a kiss, she'll definitely suck you off.
What the fuck is that? What? Simon, why are you vandalising my drive? Um What does it say? You love me? Look, I can easily wash it off and we can just pretend it never happened and I could not tell anyone and you could not tell anyone and my mates could not tell anyone and your mates could not tell anyone.
Simon, we've known each other for ages.
Why now? Um, we were playing dares? Did someone dare you to be the world's biggest saddo? So what? You are in love with me? This couldn't have gone any better.
Actually, I think this is pretty cool, Simon.
Sort of artistic.
It's like Banksy or something.
Huh? Why don't you come over to mine tonight? I'm babysitting and we can sort this out? - Really? - Yeah, come round about eight.
My folks will be out by then.
Probably best to avoid them till this has washed away.
Yeah, I'm not sure this washes away.
Whatever.
See you later.
Yes! Incredibly, I think you might be in there.
Of course he's in there.
She's wet for you, mate.
I cannot believe this worked.
Maybe she was impressed by your artistic side.
No, bollocks, it's because you're drunk.
Do you think so? Yes, it's because you're wasted.
Like Pete Doherty, innit? Girls love it.
- I think Pete Doherty is on heroin.
- I'm not sure I should do heroin, Jay.
Right, vodka, whisky, and a load of creme de menthe.
When she sees you after this, she'll be frothing at the gash.
- Are you sure my dad won't notice? - No, he'll never tell.
I think he might, as his whisky now tastes of apple juice.
It'll be worth it.
- What's that? - Euck off.
- What have you got there? - And again, fuck off.
- You are in such shit.
- That's a hat-trick.
Euck off.
Mum knows you bunked off.
And also, everyone knows that you love Carli D'Amato.
- I don't love her, actually.
- Everyone knows, you spaz.
You wrote it on the pavement outside her house.
Even the Year 11s were laughing about how sad you are.
Yeah? How sad is a date at her house tonight? You're such a sad No, you're the sad because Twat! You're such a little fuck shit.
He's made you look a right knob.
- So when are you gonna make the move? - I dunno.
- I've got to get the brother out the way.
- I could come and look after him.
Bollocks! I'll take care of the kid while you take care of the business.
Mm.
Business.
- I think I'd better take Will.
- Eine.
Your funeral.
'Jay was wrong.
It wouldn't be a funeral, 'but it would be about as much fun as one.
' 'So we arrived at the house of the girl Simon had always loved 'and we were drunk, so very drunk.
' Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello there.
Oh.
Hello, William.
You coming in, then, Simon? Are you his chaperone? No, babes.
He's gonna watch the kid while we chat about, you know, our feelings.
OK.
Best not to call me "babes", though.
Really? Really.
Come on in, then.
Chris is watching TV, Will.
Come on, you, let's get a drink.
So Dad went totally ballistic about the driveway.
I think you're still invited over for Christmas but he's gonna make your parents pay for an industrial stone cleaner.
It was worth it.
Can you smell bleach? Sh! What are you watching? Don't know.
Think there's been a big bomb.
Really? Oh, it's one of those recreations of a dirty bomb.
What's a dirty bomb? It's just a big nuclear bomb that terrorists would use to kill everyone in London.
Have you been drinking spirits? Sorry, don't know what I was thinking.
Would you like some? - I'll stick to wine, thanks.
- Wine is for girls.
I am a girl.
This is a man's drink.
If you don't want it, I'll have it.
And if you can't take me like this, well, I'm sorry, babes, but this is the package.
Oops! There goes the tallest building in London.
That'll be a few thousand dead.
My mum and dad are in London tonight.
Would they be killed? Oh, yes.
Not only killed but obliterated.
Merely a scorched shadow on the pavement.
Dust.
So they are dead forever? Yep, dead forever.
My mummy! My daddy! - No.
Shh.
- Mummy! Mummy! Come on, Carli.
You know why I'm here.
And I know why I'm here.
And you know why I'm here.
- Kiss me.
- Simon, you know I've got a boyfriend.
Just finger yourself in front of me.
Jesus, Simon! They do it in Caravan Club.
Come on, I know you want to.
- Well, I don't want to, so - Yeah, you do.
You Simon, are you all right? Oh, Christ.
HE VOMITS I don't think I'm very well.
- Daddy! Mummy! > - Chris? HE VOMITS I'm really sorry.
I was just telling him about terrorists and stuff.
You were telling a seven-year-old about terrorists? He won't sleep for a week now, you idiot.
Have you unblocked the sink yet? All the lumps? I am really sorry.
I think maybe I ate something.
Could we maybe sit down and talk about us? And have you got any Nurofen? It's just Oh, dear.
I think we'll be off now.
Right, I think we'd better get you back to mine and cleaned up.
Oh, God, my head.
I've ruined it.
I love her and I've ruined it with her.
Oh, God.
Oh, she's so amazing.
I'm going to say this to you as a friend.
Shut up.
Today's been a fuck-up from start to finish.
We need to write it off, OK? Today's gone.
It isn't going to get any worse.
Oh, shit.
Isn't that your mum's car? Yep.
And that's Neil's dad's car.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Well, it's every Wednesday and we play a sort of, I suppose it's a best-of-three games.
- Right.
- The changing facilities are not too bad.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All in all, it's a good thing.
Right.
Sit down, you two.
'Sometimes in life you have to sit down, 'take your punishment like a man.
'Unfortunately, this was not one of those times.
' Well you've had quite a day off.
You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil's dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carli's.
Am I missing anything? We also hit a spastic with a Erisbee.
- I feel totally let down, William.
- It wasn't our fault, Mum.
What you said to Kevin here, I thought I brought you up better than that.
It isn't our fault.
Why's it not your fault, then? It all happened because he touched us.
- What? - Me? He touched us here, and here.
And here.
The bumhole.
- You evil little shits! - I'll deal with this, Kevin.
Now listen to me, you two.
That is an extraordinary allegation.
You should think very carefully before you repeat it.
- Just cos Kevin's gay doesn't mean - No, I'm not gay.
- We're all friends, it doesn't matter.
- I'm not gay.
I was married for nearly Oscar Wilde was married.
That is enough! Although he is right, Kevin, and obviously it's fine.
- I'm not gay! - All right, don't have a hissy fit.
Just because Kevin is gay doesn't make him automatically a paedophile.
I'm not a paedophile.
If you want to repeat those allegations, we'll take them seriously.
But if you want to tell us the truth that it never happened we'll move on to the other things you're in trouble for.
OK.
The truth is we're alcoholics.
You have to help us.
All we can think about is where the next drink is gonna come from.
We're literally out of control.
Today we even talked about heroin.
There's a long road ahead of us but with your support and your love we think we can make it.
So please, as our parents, help us.
LAUGHTER 'And so we were so pathetic, even my mum, who has no sense of humour, 'was laughing at us.
' Hello.
You look well.
Thanks.
How's your mum? Not happy.
But fit like a prostitute.
How's your dad? Really not happy.
- But at least he's not bent like Neil's.
- What? Shit, Si, you don't look well, mate.
What happened? He was up all night fucking Carli's brains out.
Not quite.
By "not quite" he means he puked on her brother's head then accused Neil's dad of being a paedophile.
You dickhead.
NEIL LAUGHS What a knob! Oi, my dad's not a paedo.
Now, boys.
Good of you to join us today.
Oh, shit.
Shit indeed.
Now boys, you are in the sixth form.
So actually, you're under no legal obligation to attend school.
Sutherland, Cartwright, if you want to piss away your chance of gaining some qualifications and improving your lives, then be my guest.
I still get paid.
- Really? Oh, great.
- Brilliant.
Thanks, sir.
I knew no day could go as badly as yesterday did.
However, Cooper, MacKenzie.
Phoning the school and pretending to be your parents? That, my little friends, is fraud.
I think we'd better go and see the Head.
'They say it's the things you don't do in life that you regret.
'Well, that's clearly not true.
I regret hitting that girl with a Erisbee.
'And I regret hurling insults at Neil's dad.
' Bumder! 'And I'm pretty certain Simon regrets almost everything he did that day.
' Oh, dear.
'But they also say all's well that ends well.
'Hang on, this didn't even end well.
'
'Lt's not a cool place, admittedly, but it is a good place to stare at girls.
'Lf anything's worth braving this dogshit minefield for, it's staring at girls.
' You lot are so gay.
Why aren't we playing football? Chasing men around a field with your top off, what could be more gay? - You.
- Brilliant.
Anyway, we're playing Erisbee cos girls can join in.
- Trust me, girls love this.
- Border collies love this.
You're scared to play football in case Donovan joins in and breaks your legs.
That's not true.
Oh, my God Check out the Jugasaurus Rex! Shit.
And it's Carli.
Perfect.
Watch this.
Carli! Carli! Catch! Oh, fuck.
THUNK, SHE YELPS WOMAN YELLS Oh, my God.
I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
SHE SHOUTS ANGRILY IN DIALEC WOMAN CRIES So as I say, I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
It's fine.
You've apologised about 30 times.
Come on.
I'm going to get my Erisbee.
SHE YELLS Oi! Those wankers are nicking that girl's Erisbee.
Hey! It's my Erisbee! I've got a receipt! (Shouts) I've got a receipt! 'And so, in what I can only describe as an attack of Erisbee rage, 'once again, we found ourselves running from Donovan.
' All right? - Not really.
- What's up? Well, think back, Neil.
Last time you saw us, before you legged it, a Erisbee was heading towards a disabled girl's face.
- Oh, did it hit her in the face, then? - Bingo! Was the girl in the wheelchair all right? I don't want to talk about it.
I've lost my Erisbee Aero B Pro.
Is the gayest sentence ever.
That's it.
We can't bunk off tomorrow now.
- (Jay) Why? - It's bad karma, innit? Eor hitting a spastic.
It could be a sign.
- That you've shit your pants? - I'm heading home.
- To wank over your mum's bras? - Well, my mum? Probably not! - Oh, good, can I have them, then? - No.
But you can have that.
- And that.
See you tomorrow.
- See you.
'I'd only been in state education a month and yet the next morning, 'I found myself ready to break the law.
'Lt was the truancy law, but it was still the worst thing I'd ever done.
' - Hello, William.
- Hello, Mrs Cooper.
Is Simon in? Yes, unless he ran away in the middle of the night.
Simon! - Yes, all right, Will, come in.
Why aren't you in uniform? We're sorry, Mrs Cooper, it was Jay's idea We're really sorry we forgot to tell you it was a non-uniform day.
- No, it's not.
Bye.
- Yes, it is.
Eor Years 12 and 13.
It is, you little shit! Right, so it's a Year 12 non-uniform day? Eor Christ's sake, Simon, you're 17 now and I don't want to play these stupid games.
It's a bloody non-uniform day, all right? I don't believe you.
Will? Yes, it's a non-uniform day.
See? Eine.
Eine.
But if you've lied to me I won't be angry, I will be really, really dlsappolnted.
How stupid is she that she totally believed us? Er, that's my mum.
Sorry, did you see the way I just lied to her? I totally did it.
We're bunking off.
Who are you calling? School.
I'll just say we're ill and won't be in today.
No, really.
Who are you calling? Don't shit your pants.
I'm only phoning the school secretary, not fucking Ml5.
(High voice) Hello, this is Mrs Cooper, Simon's mother, Year 12.
Simon and William MacKenzie have come down with food poisoning.
You're putting on your mum's voice? Oh, I'm sorry.
Mrs Cooper, you say your son is ill? Yes.
Well, Mr Gilbert, the Head of Sixth is just here.
I'll pass him over.
- No, there's really no need.
- We can still make it for English! Hello? Hello, this is Mrs Cooper.
Simon and his friend William are ill.
Goodbye.
- Mrs Cooper? - 'Yes.
' What exactly is wrong with Simon? (Voice breaks) Eood poisoning.
Simon, you're bullshitting me.
I think you'd better get to school.
- Cheers.
All the best.
- 'Get in before you make me ' Well, that was fucking dreadful.
- I think he bought it, though.
- In what way did he buy it? I think he thought that was my mum.
'So with our terrible alibi in place, 'phase two of the plan was how to get some booze.
' You look like you're on day release.
They'll never serve you.
What about this one? No, not one of his suits.
He'll go mental if he finds out.
- Shirts.
- Not the suit.
- Yes! - Not the suit.
'And so in Simon's dad's suit, and looking a bit like a Hasidic Jew, 'we headed for the off-licence.
' - What are you wearing? - The suit's my dad's.
He insisted.
- The hat's his, though.
- What a bell-end.
I'm just an adult man stocking up on booze.
This'll work.
£10 each, please.
And as none of you offered to do it, you can fuck off.
- What? - Nothing.
'Unlike those morons, I knew the key to getting served was confidence.
' DOOR CHIMES Good day.
Sorry? Good day.
Oh.
Hello.
Shut up! EINGERS CLICK Oh, shit.
What? Nothing.
It's Carli's mum, innit? Oi! - Jay, please don't.
She'll recognise me.
- He wants to suck your Carli's tits! Unbelievable.
'The key is to let the shop owner know who's in control.
'Lt's like a Jedi mind trick.
I am an adult.
'You will serve me.
' Can I help at all? Yes, I am a man who has recently bought a house in the local area and I'm having a house-warming party to which I'll be inviting a lot of the local adults.
Hence the crisps.
Yes And I'll also probably need some alcohol as well.
- As well as the crisps, et cetera - What sort of thing are you looking for? Some Beefeater gin.
- OK.
How about two bottles? - Excellent.
- Some wine? - Christ, no.
We're not made of money! And I'll have some extra-strong mints.
Eor those who are drink-driving.
Right - That comes to £29.
50.
Anything else? - What's on special? A bottle of Drambuie for a tenner if you are out of the shop in five seconds.
Done.
My good man.
I shall invite you to the party.
Mission accomplished.
- What's in all the bags, then? - Just something to soak up the alcohol.
- Crisps? - Where's the beer? Have you spent all our money on fucking crisps? - You twat.
- What the fuck's this? Drambuie.
What's Drambuie? - It's a sort of whisky-based liqueur.
- What's a liqueur? - It's what benders drink.
- Well, why have we got that, then? We're heading back to yours and it's your dad's favourite drink.
My dad's not bent.
- He is a bit, though.
- He's fucking not.
Look at the evidence.
One, your mum left him because he loves cock.
No, she was in a difficult place! - In bed with a bender.
- Your dad, who is a bender.
Two, he wears tight denim shorts to do the gardening.
The only night he goes out all week is Wednesday and that's to play badminton! ALL LAUGH My dad's not bent, because he's got porn mags at home and it's all straight.
- All straight? - Some lesbian.
- We should go and have a look.
- Eine, come on, then.
- This should be good.
- I bet it's 90% cock.
They must be round here.
I don't know where they could have gone.
Maybe he swapped them for an Abba boxset.
No, he probably shoved them up his arse.
Drink.
- What we gonna do today, then? - Anything we fucking well please.
- Specifically, what are we doing? - We could get hold of some birds.
Yeah, let's get some girls.
Great.
Where are all the girls? - At school.
- We'll wait for them to get out, then.
(Will) We're not going to do anything till half three? - We could have gone to school.
- We can't fucking do this.
Drink! Hello, Mrs Cooper? Sorry to bother you at work.
This is Mr Gilbert, Simon's Head of Sixth.
Your mum is so fit, Will, I reckon she could be a prostitute.
- Thanks.
- Have you wanked over Will's mum.
No.
Not yet.
Please don't have a wank over my mum.
I can't promise that, I'm afraid.
Yes, hello.
Is that Mrs MacKenzie, William's mother? Right, can I just check something with you, please? When we go away with the Caravan Club there's this bird and her sister who I've shagged for about two years.
Sometimes I get them to strum themselves while I watch.
Sorry, did you say you go on holiday in a caravan? - With the Caravan Club.
- In a caravan, like a gypo? If my mum told me we were going caravanning, I'd call Childline.
It's a sense of freedom you don't get with other holidays.
Of shitting in a bucket in a cupboard you don't get with other holidays, in England, with your parents.
Actually, it's a well-known fact that the Caravan Club is like a sex club all over Europe, which is why I've lost my cherry and none of you sad acts have.
- I could have got laid loads of times.
- No, you couldn't.
Yeah, I could.
But I want to lose it with someone I love.
What? Like Carli? Maybe I do love Carli.
She's gorgeous, she's smart, she's amazing.
Probably worth mentioning to her then, mate, if that's the way you feel.
Yeah, why not mention it? Worse that can happen, you get nothing.
Best that can happen, you get stinky fingers.
You really are one of the most disgusting humans I've ever met.
Oh, look out.
Prince Harry's had a few drinks and now he thinks he's hard! I am hard.
Being scared of teachers and brown-nosing everyone's parents is just an act? - I don't brown-nose anyone.
- You do a bit.
- Good manners cost nothing.
- A good shag costs nothing.
A good shag with Carli.
Eh? Carll's fanny on your face On your face Carll's fanny on your face! I keep catching myself on it.
It's a bloody menace.
SHOUTING EROM INSIDE Hang on, I think someone's in.
And your bell-end Carll's fanny on your face On your face Neil! What the hell is going on? This place smells like a brewery and not a nice one.
Jay, there is always trouble when you're around, but Will, I'm especially surprised at you.
So sorry, Steve.
Oh, piss off! What? Don't talk to me like that in my own house! Oh, I'm so sorry, my manners(!) Piss off, please.
- I've had enough of your lip.
- You'd like my lip, wouldn't you? Right round your bell-end, if Mr Chippy doesn't get there first.
What's he going to knock up? A closet for you to hide in, you bumder? 'Ln hindsight, I might have taken it a bit too far.
' Amazing! Jesus Christ.
"Bumder"?! Eair play to you, that was pretty special.
Bumder! It's a mixture of "bummer" and "bender".
He'll be all right about it, though.
He can take a joke.
That was taken as a joke.
"My lips around your bell-end"? Yeah, it should be fine! I love Carli.
I love Carli.
Shit, I've got to tell her.
What if she feels the same? Seems fairly unlikely.
Life is about these moments.
It's the things you don't do you regret.
The cavalier philosophy that caused my father to leave my mother.
You go for it.
Bumder.
'And so we headed for Carli's house.
' I feel a bit stupid doing this.
This is fine, isn't it? - Yeah.
Definitely.
- Yeah.
You would tell me if I was being a dick? - Of course I would.
- Yeah, yeah.
I think writing her surname is particularly important.
It is her drive, but you wouldn't want there to be any Carli-based confusion.
Yeah, I reckon if you put a kiss, she'll definitely suck you off.
What the fuck is that? What? Simon, why are you vandalising my drive? Um What does it say? You love me? Look, I can easily wash it off and we can just pretend it never happened and I could not tell anyone and you could not tell anyone and my mates could not tell anyone and your mates could not tell anyone.
Simon, we've known each other for ages.
Why now? Um, we were playing dares? Did someone dare you to be the world's biggest saddo? So what? You are in love with me? This couldn't have gone any better.
Actually, I think this is pretty cool, Simon.
Sort of artistic.
It's like Banksy or something.
Huh? Why don't you come over to mine tonight? I'm babysitting and we can sort this out? - Really? - Yeah, come round about eight.
My folks will be out by then.
Probably best to avoid them till this has washed away.
Yeah, I'm not sure this washes away.
Whatever.
See you later.
Yes! Incredibly, I think you might be in there.
Of course he's in there.
She's wet for you, mate.
I cannot believe this worked.
Maybe she was impressed by your artistic side.
No, bollocks, it's because you're drunk.
Do you think so? Yes, it's because you're wasted.
Like Pete Doherty, innit? Girls love it.
- I think Pete Doherty is on heroin.
- I'm not sure I should do heroin, Jay.
Right, vodka, whisky, and a load of creme de menthe.
When she sees you after this, she'll be frothing at the gash.
- Are you sure my dad won't notice? - No, he'll never tell.
I think he might, as his whisky now tastes of apple juice.
It'll be worth it.
- What's that? - Euck off.
- What have you got there? - And again, fuck off.
- You are in such shit.
- That's a hat-trick.
Euck off.
Mum knows you bunked off.
And also, everyone knows that you love Carli D'Amato.
- I don't love her, actually.
- Everyone knows, you spaz.
You wrote it on the pavement outside her house.
Even the Year 11s were laughing about how sad you are.
Yeah? How sad is a date at her house tonight? You're such a sad No, you're the sad because Twat! You're such a little fuck shit.
He's made you look a right knob.
- So when are you gonna make the move? - I dunno.
- I've got to get the brother out the way.
- I could come and look after him.
Bollocks! I'll take care of the kid while you take care of the business.
Mm.
Business.
- I think I'd better take Will.
- Eine.
Your funeral.
'Jay was wrong.
It wouldn't be a funeral, 'but it would be about as much fun as one.
' 'So we arrived at the house of the girl Simon had always loved 'and we were drunk, so very drunk.
' Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello there.
Oh.
Hello, William.
You coming in, then, Simon? Are you his chaperone? No, babes.
He's gonna watch the kid while we chat about, you know, our feelings.
OK.
Best not to call me "babes", though.
Really? Really.
Come on in, then.
Chris is watching TV, Will.
Come on, you, let's get a drink.
So Dad went totally ballistic about the driveway.
I think you're still invited over for Christmas but he's gonna make your parents pay for an industrial stone cleaner.
It was worth it.
Can you smell bleach? Sh! What are you watching? Don't know.
Think there's been a big bomb.
Really? Oh, it's one of those recreations of a dirty bomb.
What's a dirty bomb? It's just a big nuclear bomb that terrorists would use to kill everyone in London.
Have you been drinking spirits? Sorry, don't know what I was thinking.
Would you like some? - I'll stick to wine, thanks.
- Wine is for girls.
I am a girl.
This is a man's drink.
If you don't want it, I'll have it.
And if you can't take me like this, well, I'm sorry, babes, but this is the package.
Oops! There goes the tallest building in London.
That'll be a few thousand dead.
My mum and dad are in London tonight.
Would they be killed? Oh, yes.
Not only killed but obliterated.
Merely a scorched shadow on the pavement.
Dust.
So they are dead forever? Yep, dead forever.
My mummy! My daddy! - No.
Shh.
- Mummy! Mummy! Come on, Carli.
You know why I'm here.
And I know why I'm here.
And you know why I'm here.
- Kiss me.
- Simon, you know I've got a boyfriend.
Just finger yourself in front of me.
Jesus, Simon! They do it in Caravan Club.
Come on, I know you want to.
- Well, I don't want to, so - Yeah, you do.
You Simon, are you all right? Oh, Christ.
HE VOMITS I don't think I'm very well.
- Daddy! Mummy! > - Chris? HE VOMITS I'm really sorry.
I was just telling him about terrorists and stuff.
You were telling a seven-year-old about terrorists? He won't sleep for a week now, you idiot.
Have you unblocked the sink yet? All the lumps? I am really sorry.
I think maybe I ate something.
Could we maybe sit down and talk about us? And have you got any Nurofen? It's just Oh, dear.
I think we'll be off now.
Right, I think we'd better get you back to mine and cleaned up.
Oh, God, my head.
I've ruined it.
I love her and I've ruined it with her.
Oh, God.
Oh, she's so amazing.
I'm going to say this to you as a friend.
Shut up.
Today's been a fuck-up from start to finish.
We need to write it off, OK? Today's gone.
It isn't going to get any worse.
Oh, shit.
Isn't that your mum's car? Yep.
And that's Neil's dad's car.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Well, it's every Wednesday and we play a sort of, I suppose it's a best-of-three games.
- Right.
- The changing facilities are not too bad.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All in all, it's a good thing.
Right.
Sit down, you two.
'Sometimes in life you have to sit down, 'take your punishment like a man.
'Unfortunately, this was not one of those times.
' Well you've had quite a day off.
You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil's dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carli's.
Am I missing anything? We also hit a spastic with a Erisbee.
- I feel totally let down, William.
- It wasn't our fault, Mum.
What you said to Kevin here, I thought I brought you up better than that.
It isn't our fault.
Why's it not your fault, then? It all happened because he touched us.
- What? - Me? He touched us here, and here.
And here.
The bumhole.
- You evil little shits! - I'll deal with this, Kevin.
Now listen to me, you two.
That is an extraordinary allegation.
You should think very carefully before you repeat it.
- Just cos Kevin's gay doesn't mean - No, I'm not gay.
- We're all friends, it doesn't matter.
- I'm not gay.
I was married for nearly Oscar Wilde was married.
That is enough! Although he is right, Kevin, and obviously it's fine.
- I'm not gay! - All right, don't have a hissy fit.
Just because Kevin is gay doesn't make him automatically a paedophile.
I'm not a paedophile.
If you want to repeat those allegations, we'll take them seriously.
But if you want to tell us the truth that it never happened we'll move on to the other things you're in trouble for.
OK.
The truth is we're alcoholics.
You have to help us.
All we can think about is where the next drink is gonna come from.
We're literally out of control.
Today we even talked about heroin.
There's a long road ahead of us but with your support and your love we think we can make it.
So please, as our parents, help us.
LAUGHTER 'And so we were so pathetic, even my mum, who has no sense of humour, 'was laughing at us.
' Hello.
You look well.
Thanks.
How's your mum? Not happy.
But fit like a prostitute.
How's your dad? Really not happy.
- But at least he's not bent like Neil's.
- What? Shit, Si, you don't look well, mate.
What happened? He was up all night fucking Carli's brains out.
Not quite.
By "not quite" he means he puked on her brother's head then accused Neil's dad of being a paedophile.
You dickhead.
NEIL LAUGHS What a knob! Oi, my dad's not a paedo.
Now, boys.
Good of you to join us today.
Oh, shit.
Shit indeed.
Now boys, you are in the sixth form.
So actually, you're under no legal obligation to attend school.
Sutherland, Cartwright, if you want to piss away your chance of gaining some qualifications and improving your lives, then be my guest.
I still get paid.
- Really? Oh, great.
- Brilliant.
Thanks, sir.
I knew no day could go as badly as yesterday did.
However, Cooper, MacKenzie.
Phoning the school and pretending to be your parents? That, my little friends, is fraud.
I think we'd better go and see the Head.
'They say it's the things you don't do in life that you regret.
'Well, that's clearly not true.
I regret hitting that girl with a Erisbee.
'And I regret hurling insults at Neil's dad.
' Bumder! 'And I'm pretty certain Simon regrets almost everything he did that day.
' Oh, dear.
'But they also say all's well that ends well.
'Hang on, this didn't even end well.
'