The Jeff Dunham Show (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

cRaZyMaGgOt The Jeff Dunham Show 01x02 Please give up a visible american standing ovation for our host: Mr.
Jeff Dunham.
Thank you so much.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Stop.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Stop.
You're that's very nice of you.
Thank you.
You know, people ask me how long I've been doing this for a living.
Well, take a look at this picture.
Yes, at first, you can see how excited my parents are About me being a ventriloquist.
Look at that huge Christmas tree That was the weirdest Hanukkah ever.
And look at my mom's hair.
That's where we kept my pet eagle.
And my dad kept his car keys there, too.
It was scary.
My dad looks really excited.
Look at that.
He's he's just very proud of his son playing with dolls.
It's great.
I thought my parents were upset about my career choice, But later, I learned, uh well, Look where the dummy has his hand.
Sorry, Mom.
But, to start things off tonight, here's another guy Who makes my mom uncomfortable all the time.
Please welcome Achmed the dead terrorist.
So, Achmed, do you have anything to say? Uh silence.
Oh, forget it.
What's wrong tonight, Achmed? Everyone looks at Achmed And sees an angry, happy-go-lucky dead terrorist.
But, really, I'm more of a "crying on the inside" kind of a guy.
Thanks.
Wh-why? What's wrong? Nobody-- not even you-- remembered my death day.
Your your your what? My death day.
I turned seven years dead yesterday.
And I didn't get anything.
- Really? - No.
Not even a letter bomb.
And nothing on my Facebook wall.
I didn't know you were on Facebook.
What, I can't be on Facebook Just because I don't have a freaking face? I kill you! I have no friends.
I'm your friend.
I have no cool friends.
So, what did you do on your death day? What else? What? I threw myself a funeral.
Welcome, Achmed.
I'm Jon Lorenzen.
I'm president of the Lorenzen Mortuary.
How can I help you today? Well, Jon, I want the biggest, sexiest, Most awe-inspiring tearjerker of a funeral ever.
I want to make Michael Jackson's funeral Look like a white trash bar mitzvah.
You know what I'm saying? Okay.
And I want Elton John to sing "Anthrax in the Wind.
" Could you get that? I don't think so.
So, Jon, let's take a look around, Maybe try out some caskets.
Okay.
Well to be honest, Totally uncomfortable.
There's no lumbar support.
Understandable.
Do you have anything with memory foam? Nothing with memory foam.
I'm looking for something a little classier, 'cause, you know, x I'm going to be here for a while.
So, I was thinking that How about that one? That's the Lasting Slumber 3000.
How much is that? It's $8,000.
8,000 bucks? It better have stinking Wi-Fi for that.
Uh, what do you have for $50? What? A dog casket? This is humiliating, Jon.
I don't lick myself.
I I'm not saying I haven't tried, but come on! Achmed, this is my chief of staff, Michaela Basillo.
She'll help you with the rest of the arrangements.
Michaela, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Can we talk about the markers now? Like, the headstones and stuff? Sure.
You can pick either bronze or granite.
You can put your name on it, Pick what style of font you'd like, If you would like designs on it.
You can pick if you want to put your picture on it.
Things of that nature.
Yeah.
Picture on it.
Yep.
Put my face on it.
Tux looks pretty good.
- Does it? - Yeah.
So, Jon, tell me more about this Michaela.
Well, she's one of my best employees.
She has doubles, but is she single? Yeah, she's single.
Got that right.
Is she Jewish? No, she's not Jewish.
Oh whew.
Oh, I mean, uh oh.
Okay, before we start, just a quick reminder: Anyone who brought automatic weapons, wait until the end of the service to fire Them into the air And now, Jon will perform my eulogy.
Achmed.
Terrorist.
Family Man.
Ladies' man.
He struck fear into the hearts of the dirty infidels.
He also made the most delicious cheesecake With goat sauce you ever tasted.
Wait, wait, wait.
Jon, I'm sorry.
Before we go any further, I have an announcement to make.
Michaela, would you please approach the casket? Thanks.
Yes? So You have stirred parts of me that were blown off years ago.
Michaela will you please take this ring And say you'll be my fifth or sixth wife? Halt! Do not answer that question.
What?! Are you kidding me? My French cousin, Pierre.
What in the world are you doing here? Did France run out of underage boys? Oh, you are so funny, Achmed.
Not.
I can't understand his crazy accent.
He's always been jealous of me.
Always wanting what I have.
Right, Michaela? She fell for it.
I can't believe it.
This is the saddest funeral ever.
I don't even have a pallbearer.
I'll do it for you.
Seriously? This is ever so sweet of you.
I don't say it enough, Jeff Dunham, But you are the best friend a terrorist could ever Son of a bitch! I kill you from here! Worst pallbearer ever.
Holy crap! Remind me not to make you a pallbearer at my next funeral.
You pallbear like a girl.
I was just trying to help you.
And, by the way, Have you heard from Pierre at all? No.
I'm not on speaking terms with that garlic-stinking frog.
Achmed, why do you hate him so much? He steals everything that's mine.
What do you mean? He even took my catchphrase and ruined it.
- How? - He goes up to them, and then says: "Silence! I screw you!" That's too bad.
But it's catchy.
Hey, it's Peanut.
Walter interviews a rock band And then gets examined by a Chinese woman.
Both sound hilarious.
Bonjour, mon cherie.
I love your look.
You're so beautiful, so European.
Have you heard of soul mates? My soul wants to mate with yours Hello? So, Peanut, what is going on with you tonight? Well, now, that I'm a producer on this show Wait, wait, you're a producer on my show? Ha, no diggity dog.
And I was thinking I want to push the envelope with this show.
I want to do some cutting-edge stuff.
Think outside the trunk.
By doing what? Well, started by taking some cameras To a retirement home full of old folks.
And what'd you do with 'em? Well, we took 'em snowboarding.
How did that turn out? Lawsuits.
Did you just sneeze "lawsuits?" No, I coughed Ass So then what'd you do? Well, then I mixed a little comedy And a little porn and I called it pornmedy.
Yep, we did "Grannies Gone Wild.
" That doesn't sound good.
You got that right.
You know that thing when you throw up in your mouth just a little bit? Yeah.
I threw up a lot.
Any other ones that didn't work out? We did "Bubba J's Literature Corner.
" How'd that work out? Well, they spent three hours Reading the back of a beer can.
Did you do anything that worked? Well, I put Walter in A very uncomfortable situation.
- That sounds good.
- Oh, yeah.
My guest tonight are members of the band Good Charlotte-- Benji and Joel Madden.
Never heard of them, but, uh, good to see you guys.
- Good to see you.
- Glad to be here.
Yeah, thank you.
Oh, thanks a lot.
So, I love John Madden.
So, is he embarrassed by you Or do you go on the bus? Our father's name is John, too, But it's not John Madden the football Well, there goes about 80% of my questions.
I wanted to talk (bleep) football today.
Well, they tell me You're an Elmo band.
Think you're looking for the word "Emo.
" - Emo? - Yeah.
What's emo? Emotional rock.
Emotional rock? Yeah, you know you're emotional, You're crying while you're playing the guitar.
"No one understands me.
I wear all black.
" - Why? - Why? So, uh, do you think I'm emo? I kinda hate life and I want to kill myself.
You're definitely emo.
For sure.
You're definitely a little bit of a brooder.
Let me ask you something.
We're all guys here.
When you get to be Your age, Yeah.
you still want to bone? With my wife? - With your wife.
- No.
It's kinda like making love to a walrus.
All you do is hang on to the tusks and whoo-hoo! So, I suppose you guys want me to listen to some of your music.
We're actually making a new record.
Uh, we're working on-- called Cardiology.
So, do you guys do anything other than, Uh, play rock and roll music? Uh, we have a, uh, clothing line.
But, wait a minute.
You're guys.
Why are you selling clothes? Six of the desperate housewives have clothing lines.
It's a little different than that I think.
Um, we're-- It's more of a-- of a-- kind of, uh.
.
Skateboarding Street wear.
motor cross, street wear kind of I have no idea what the (bleep) you're talking about.
Do you have a sweater vest with a skull on it? Uh no.
No, but We have these bandanas here.
Bandanas.
Be a nice diaper for my wife.
You could go With a hoodie for you.
What the? - A hoodie? - Yeah.
Like a street hood? Like a black guy? Do groupies follow you around Showing you their ta-tas? Ta-tas is one word you could use I guess.
Gazongas.
Balloons.
Fun bags.
Twinebagos.
Nook makers.
Upper balconies.
Sweater meters.
Sweater meat.
Lung mittens.
Fun pillows.
Honkers.
My humps, my humps, My lovely lady lumps.
You know, tits.
What's wrong with you guys? Don't old people-- most of them wake up At like 6:00 in the morning for no reason? It's not no reason.
You have to pee.
Also we have the, um-- The brass knuckles chain.
Reminds me of all the ass I kicked in 'Nam.
How much? Uh, these are $90 - Holy crap.
- Silver.
Is there a senior citizen's discount? We could-- we could work something out.
We could definitely work something out with you.
That'd be very nice.
Can you toss in that do-rag? I'm feeling rock and roll right now.
I want to thank the Maddens for talking to me today.
We taught each other a lot.
They taught me that hoodies aren't just black people, And that groupies' ta-tas are pretty cool.
How hip am I now, producers? Seacrest out.
That was Walter's awkward interview with a rockband.
Well, Peanut, I think that actually went pretty well.
- Yeah, they bonded.
- They did? Sure.
After the interview they all got tattoos together And the prank called the Jonas Brothers.
So, you have any more rock events lined up? Oh, yes.
Walter's going on tour with Amy Winehouse, Bobby Brown and Courtney Love.
What's the name of the tour? Crackapalooza.
Walter here.
Coming up next: I have to see a woman doctor.
I know.
I didn't know they existed either.
So, Bubba J, how's everything? Well, I just got back from the A.
A.
meeting.
An A.
A.
meeting.
Yes, you're-you're in recovery.
No.
I just go for all the great drinking stories.
- Really? - Yeah.
Not all of them are funny, though.
Some are sad and tragic.
Those are the funniest.
One man's pain is an other man's L-O-L.
Bubba J, you know, people go to A.
A.
to try and get sober.
Boring! One guy had to leave the meeting and get his stomach pump-ed.
Yeah.
Wait.
That was me.
And you know who else I saw at the hospital? - Who? - Walter.
Oh, yeah.
Good afternoon, Walter.
My name is Dr.
Hsu.
You're a woman? I am, actually.
- And you're a doctor? - I am.
Dr.
Hus suh Sue Hasue H Has H-S-U? You could pretend like the H is silent Just drop the H, and then it's like Dr.
Sue.
Just drop it when you spell it then.
Okay, so there's, like, three letters, And they're all consonants.
Well, U's actually a vowel.
- Whatever.
- Okay.
So, I have a couple of questions That I have to ask you before we get started, okay? - Okay - All right.
- So, what is your first name? - Walter.
- Middle initial? - I Last name? am uncomfortable that you're a woman.
So, you're-you're, like, a woman and kind of Asian? I am Asian.
I did nine months in one of your P.
O.
W.
camps.
Well, I'm Chinese.
I don't think we had any P.
O.
W.
camps.
What do you feel? You come here, you come to the United States, And every single thing You touch is made where you came from.
I was actually born in New York.
So, give me your professional opinion, Doc.
Who's worse-- women doctors, Or women? I'm going to decline to answer that, 'cause that's really off point.
Um, so, is there an emergency contact that we can call If something bad were to happen to you? - Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris? `Well, who else can I call? Dunham? That guy puts the milk in milk toast.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Are you married, Walter? Unhappily.
Okay.
And have you ever had any rashes? - Yes.
- Psoriasis? - Yes.
- Eczema? - Yes.
- Hives? - Yes.
- Acne? - Yes.
- Boils? - Yes.
- Phlebitis? Anything with an itis, just put down frickin' yes.
Okay.
So how many sexual partners have you had in the last year? Counting my wife? That'd be none.
So, look, we're done with the questions.
That wasn't so bad.
Now, all I need you to do is take off your clothes, Change into the gown, And then I'll be back for the physical.
Wait.
What? Take off my clothes? You'll-You'll put on the gown, though.
Okay.
I'm gonna give you a couple minutes, and I'll be back.
Okay.
Yeah.
What the hell are you doing here? I thought this was the bathroom.
Stop staring at me! I can't look away.
It's like a car wreck.
Get the hell out! Is that a Brazilian wax? Get out, you pervert! Where is the bathroom? Get out! You're pretty quiet.
What happened in there we will never talk about with anyone.
Absolutely.
I won't tell a soul.
Aw, hell.
Hello? Aah! Who's there? Uh her.
Uh her who? Uh heard you have a tiny little wiener.
Oh, you ass (bleep).
Damn it! Stupid! That is not funny.
It was cold as hell in there.
I got Bubba J back for that joke, though.
What did you do? Well, I had his house towed.
And now: Achmed the dead terrorist mistakes Members of a religious group for a fruit drink.
After this, you're gonna have a snack.
Good juice and all that, then we play again, Achmed.
Jews? You have Jews here? - Juice.
- Oh, juice.
I'm sorry.
I was really thrown off there.
I thought you said you had Jews.
Okay.
Sorry.
This has been: Achmed the dead terrorist mistakes Members of a religious group for a fruit drink.
That's our show.
Thanks for joining us.
We'll see you next time.
Good night, everybody.
Thank you.