The John Bishop Show (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE RHYTHMIC TAPPING CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the cast of Riverdance.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, thank you for your gracious applause.
I know how rubbish I was then.
I can't tell you how much practice has gone into trying to do this.
I've been trying to practise, one of the dancers called James has been coming and trying to teach me and it's not easy.
It looks easy.
It's not easy, not when there's loads of them and they're wearing these things.
I've never been on stage in heels like that.
I feel like Eddie Izzard.
Look at them! Honestly, it's been murder.
I've been trying to do it and James came to a place by us, a community centre, to try and show me how to do the bits that we had to do.
Cos everyone assumes if you're from Liverpool, you can do Irish dancing.
It's just a thing that they assume because obviously, if you didn't know this, there's a lot of Irish people in Liverpool.
What people don't realise is that the population of Liverpool expanded during the potato famine.
The problem is it's the people who came.
The reality was a lot of people were leaving Ireland and they were leaving forever and they were all going to go to America.
And they all got on the boats and then as they left Dublin, the first port was Liverpool to pick up things to trade.
But all the people were pissed.
So all the drunk ones got off at Liverpool and said, "Jesus, Mary, it's not so far, is it?" If my great-great-grandad hadn't have been pissed, I'd have been American.
That probably explains the teeth.
So, anyway So we've been trying to do it I've been practising.
I thought, "I want to try to get it right.
" So he came up in the week to teach me and Melanie came to watch, my wife.
And this is just a tip for any man in here who's thinking of possibly doing Irish dancing in front of his wife.
I'm doing it and I said to her, "What do you think?" She went, "Well, your feet were all right.
" I said, "What, were my arms too lose?" She said, "No, it's just that your feet move and everything else wobbles.
" But the way she said, she said it in that way that you say to someone who you've been married to the last 20 years.
Not kind of, "Hahaha, wobbly bits!" Kind of, "One-nil!" You know that kind of thing you have when you are living with someone and there is that kind of little You love them.
You love them, but there's just moments when you think, "Take that, you tit!" You know what I mean? Those moments where you think, "Here you are, knobhead! "One-nil!" Just those little, little victories that you have and it all leads to these little arguments.
The reality is with us, my life has changed with all of this malarkey so we've got little techniques now for not arguing in public.
Just little things like, "Let's not argue in public because people are watching.
" But something happened last year that was absolutely brilliant, the best thing that's ever happened in any argument I've ever had.
We were in a place called the Trafford Centre.
It's a shopping centre.
We were there buying clothes and I've got to admit it was my fault.
We were only there cos I booked a holiday without checking if we had any clothes to go on holiday with.
When I said, "I've booked a holiday," she said, "But we've got no clothes.
" I said, "I thought we were going to go in the clothes we've got.
"Thank Christ I've booked a holiday "otherwise August would have come around and we'd have just been naked.
" So I booked this holiday and we were clothes shopping.
I'm like any man in this room, I'm not really into clothes shopping.
We don't go clothes shopping.
I'm just going to reveal something to all the ladies in here.
If we are ever shopping with you to buy clothes, it's not because we want to do it.
It's not because we want to be shopping for clothes.
It's cos we like sex.
Every man in here walks round shopping centres doing what I do, just carrying bags and trying to calculate how many bags you've got to carry to get a blow job.
So we're walking round and we're carrying these bags and I think we're having a conversation, I think we're having a chat.
And then all of a sudden, I realise we're not having a chat.
We're having a row.
We've all been like that - that moment where you think, "Oh, shit, we're having a row "and I better not ask what the row's about.
" Because I sure wasn't listening in the first place.
So she's properly having a row.
I'm just ad-libbing as I go along, going, "Well, whatever!" And she's getting more and more angry and doing that thing that you do in a shopping centre when you have a row, where you take it out on the bag, just wrangling the bag.
"Not here! Not here, I'm not talking about it here!" And I'm just walking behind her, going, "What have I done wrong? "All I said was maybe the shop's got it wrong "when it said number ten on the label.
"What's wrong with you?" And as we're walking - and this is a beautiful moment that would never have happened if I wasn't on telly - this young girl came up to us, 19 or 20.
She said, "Excuse me, John, I know you're busy, "but can I get a picture?" And I never like to refuse.
Melanie is just pissed off, she's just stood there going, "Picture with that dickhead? Hmmph! "You put his undies in the washing machine, you wouldn't want a picture, I can tell you!" So she's stood there like that and this girl's saying, "Can I have a picture?" I said, "Yeah, of course, of course.
" So she's like that and she sees Melanie stood there and she goes, "Excuse me, do you mind taking it?" APPLAUSE "Of course she doesn't, love! Here, you get right in here! "Here you are, how is that? How's that?" Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the first act.
I've seen him a couple of times, he just gets better and better.
He's a local Hackney boy.
CROWD: Ooooh! Please welcome to the stage the hilarious Funmbi Omotayo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
How are we doing, guys? Are we good? CROWD CHEERS You guys ready for the ethnic part of the show? Yeah? I'll introduce myself again.
My name is Funmbi.
That's my real name.
I'm part African, part British, you know? I'm African when I go home, that's my roots.
Nigeria! And I'm British, you know, when I'm signing on.
So I've got it all figured out, you know.
My allegiance just kind of waivers depending on what's going on.
I'll give you an example, guys.
When England got knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages and Nigeria advanced, I'm Nigerian, right? Last year's outbreak of Ebola .
.
I'm British, so That's how it works, you know? My full name on my driver's license, OK, is Olufumnbi Adedeji Omotayo.
CROWD CHEERS I'm one of the only black guys in London who looks forward to being stopped by police.
Cos it's a moment I treasure, you know? Cos they can't pronounce it.
They just stare at you like "Just keep the music down, please, sir.
" Now, it's well-documented, you know, that the relationship between black people and the police is a bit of a turbulent one, OK? But I had a moment with the London Met, yeah, I had a little moment with the police cos I had a flat tyre, right, and the police pulled up and obviously at first, I'm thinking, "Oh, my God, I really hope they don't think "I'm trying to steal this tyre right now.
" But they pulled up and they help me change the tyre and we had a moment, yeah! But just as they were about to leave, one of the officers had to ruin it, you know? Because I was like, "Thank you very much, guys.
" He said, "Yeah! "Tell your friends we're not all that bad.
" I was like, "Really? "How about you tell your friends we are not all that bad?" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I was so offended, right? I wanted to give this guy a piece of my mind, but I didn't have insurance so I said, "I'll tell my friends the good news.
" But like John said, I'm from Hackney, I'm a local boy.
CHEERING That's right, yes.
It's an honour to be here, you know? I'm actually from Hackney.
Not ghetto though, not ghetto.
Not one of those people, you know.
Because I smile too much, you know? It just ruins the whole experience.
You know when you're trying to be hard, you know? And all of a sudden, the little It just doesn't work.
I've tried, it doesn't work.
Hackney is changed now, it's changed a lot.
It used to have a repetition for being a rough area, right, but now it's gentrified so it's all changed.
It's beautiful.
A lot of white people now walking around freely, it's beautiful.
I came out the station the other day and this white guy offered me drugs.
It threw me off completely, OK? I just came and he was like, "Oi! "Do you want some weed?" And I got really offended at first, right, cos I was like, "Look at these white boys coming into our neighbourhoods, "taking our jobs!" But I love all the races we have in London.
I think we should all hang out, let's just get along, let's just do it.
It's a beautiful city.
Cos we've done it before, you know, during the Olympics.
Yeah! I was British for a month.
I miss the Olympics now, I really do because they brought the torch to my street.
The Olympic torch, they brought it to Hackney.
And we all came out because we thought it was a giant spliff and We just wanted to pass it around, you know.
Spread that love, right? And I'm spoiled because I get to support two nations, yeah! Great Britain and Nigeria! And I was told, guys, before the whole event, that Nigeria is a Third World country.
Which is not bad, isn't it, top three? That's respectable, isn't it? My favourite event - the 100 metres final.
Now I'm supporting Usain Bolt.
I told my white friend this before the event and he got really offended.
He was like, "Why are you supporting Usain Bolt, Funmbi? "He's not British or Nigerian.
"You're only supporting him because he's BLACK!" And I was like, "Dude, it's the 100 metres final.
"They're all black.
" You've been a fantastic audience.
Thank you for having me, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Funmbi Omotayo! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a special honour to bring onto the stage an amazing act.
Someone who's worked all over the world.
Please welcome the unique Boy With Tape On His Face.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Mission: Impossible Theme by Lalo Schiffrin MUSIC STOPS, LAUGHTER MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS CHEERING HONKING HONKING HONKING HONKING HONKING APPLAUSE BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS APPLAUSE BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS APPLAUSE BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS MUSIC: Swan Lake (excerpt) by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS APPLAUSE MUSIC: Wedding March by Felix Mendelsohhn # Does he love me? I wanna know # How can I tell if he loves me so? # Is it in his eyes? # Oh, no, you'll be deceived # Is it in his eyes? # Oh, no, he'll make believe # If you want to know Shoop-shoop-shoop # If he loves you so Shoop-shoop-shoop # It's in his kiss That's where it is # Oh, yeah, or is it in his face? # Oh, no, it's just his charm # In his warm embrace? # Oh, no, that's just his arm # If you wanna know Shoop-shoop-shoop If he loves you so CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, The Boy With Tape On His Face! CHEERING I thought the marriage bit was lovely.
I thought it was beautiful.
But the thing I love the most is the way the camera was on the boyfriend, who was NOT a happy camper! There was a lot of tension back where all the cameras are.
They were going, "Get the camera on the boyfriend.
I think there's going to be a fight.
Fight, fight!" "Don't you kiss him, don't you kiss him!" And to be fair, he was a good-looking lad.
What a good-looking lad! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me enormous pleasure to introduce the next artist.
From her album Tough Love, please welcome singing Champagne Kisses, Jessie Ware! CHEERING # Whose fault is it # That I'm crazy about you? # You are in every single dream # And I'm thinking about you # If you wanna do, do, do me right # Do, do, do, do, do # If you wanna leave it all tonight # Do, do, do, do, do # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # I count every kiss # Until I'm finally sleeping # This love supreme # That's why I'll always give in # If you wanna do, do, do me right # Do, do, do, do, do # If you wanna leave it all tonight # Do, do, do, do, do # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # And I won't be mad I won't be mad Champagne kisses.
CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Jessie Ware! Thank you! How good was that? CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, when you're on the circuit, you move around and you sometimes gig with different people and you get to see people that you want to be on stage with, you want to share a bill with.
This particular act, we've crisscrossed all our careers.
We've never actually been on the same bill.
Once I got my own show I had no hesitation in booking her.
You will see why.
Please welcome to the stage Zoe Lyons! CHEERING Hello, people! Very nice to be in the East End of London, very hip part of London now, isn't it? There are so many men out there with beards and braces and boots, I don't whether I'm in a hipster hotspot or I've discovered a secret inner-city Amish community.
I like a trend, I do like a trend.
While we are all here, can we agree that enough pork has now been pulled? Can we agree on that? Can we, collectively? Can we stop pulling pork, can we? There'll be people in this theatre so young, they don't realise there was a time before pork was pulled.
I'm old enough to remember when it simply fell off the bone.
I mean, I do worry about future food trends.
What next, thrown pork? It's ridiculous.
I'm not saying I don't like pulled pork.
I love pulled pork, I love my food.
I'm a big eater.
I'm competitive around food.
Do you know what I mean by that? I know it's not a particularly ladylike thing to say, but I'm very competitive around food.
Does anybody else panic in a tapas situation? That's what I'm talking about.
That level of competitiveness, proper panic.
A sort of twitch of the eye, a curl of the lip.
Do you find yourself circling the dishes like a hyena on the Serengeti? "This isn't going to be enough, is it?" I'm shovelling bits of bread up my sleeve for later, you know.
Don't attempt to eat tapas with me because you will lose.
You will lose and then you will cry when I make you split the bill because that will be happening.
Cos I think you get to a certain age and you split the bill, don't you? You don't pay for what you had, you split the bill.
It usually means there's one girl at the end of the table just weeping, going, "Why am I paying 53 quid, Zo? "I only had an olive!" You had the same chances as me, bitch! You just didn't take them, that's all.
The windows of opportunity were wide open for all of us, weren't they? You decided to talk through them, didn't you? Talking about this, talking about that.
How was your special day? It was your birthday.
I was shovelling in the meatballs, that was what I was doing.
I didn't come here for chitchat.
I came here for carbohydrates and protein.
Got my money's worth! I actually managed to eat so much at that particular meal, I got up to leave, I put my sunglasses on and thought, "Oh, God, they feel tight!" You know you've overdone it if you're having to let out your own glasses after a meal.
"My face feels a bit fat!" I like a bit of indulgence.
I do, I like a bit of indulgence.
We're always being told we eat too much, we drink too much, don't look at salt, it'll make you go blind.
Sod it! Life's too short.
I like a drink Every now and again, I realise that I'm drinking a bit too much.
You get those little warning signs, don't you? Mine came a couple of weeks ago.
I was with a mate of mine and I just turned to her and said, "Now that "Is a very nice "Breakfast wine.
" I'm a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to wine.
Not showing off, I just like to think that I am.
Favourite wine, if I was pushed, if I was forced to make a decision, box.
I'd say box.
Very much for the box of wine.
People are very snobby about boxes of wine in this country.
If you turn up to a party or indeed a funeral with a box of wine Something to sit on, isn't it? It is.
They go on forever, don't they? You're like that, "He was a lovely man.
" I've had it mentioned to me.
"I can't believe you've brought a box.
"Really, Zo? A box of wine? A box? Really? "I think you'll find a bottle is better.
" "I think you'll find it isn't.
" I love a box of wine because it's your little secret as well, a box of wine, isn't it? If you're like me and you like a bit too much every now and again, a bottle can be so revealing, can't it? You go out and you have a bottle of wine, it likes to tell the rest of the room exactly how much you've heard, doesn't it? Glass! Such a transparent whore, isn't it? The bottle just sits bolt upright at the end of the table, going, "Look at me.
"I'm half empty.
She only started drinking five minutes ago.
"This doesn't bode well for the rest of the evening, does it? "It's going to be teary or fighty before the night is over.
" I'm just saying life is too short to give yourself that aggro.
You can't see through a cardboard box of wine, that's what I'm saying.
Nobody can tell how much of a five litre cardboard box of wine you have slowly but steadily sipped your way through during the course of a really dull party, can they? Sometimes I'll even stick a straw in the top and pretend it's a massive Ribena.
Fun size! It keeps giving as well, doesn't it? It's a little miracle.
In a world where a lot of things have been explained scientifically, you can't explain how the box of wine keeps giving.
You think, "It's like an Escher wine fountain.
How does it keep going? "I've been bashing away on it solidly for the last couple of hours.
"It's amazing!" And then you can feel the weight slacken.
A little bit of tension fills the room, doesn't it? "Come on, I know you're in there! "Come on!" And you press the stopper with all your might, don't you? "Come on!" You give yourself a blood blister on the thumb.
"Come on!" The last dribbles dispense into the glass, don't they? And that is often where I find an amateur will discard of the box of wine.
Idiots! Idiots! It's not over, is it? It's not over.
You know, I know, it's lurking in the corners, isn't it? You rip open the cardboard head.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You pull out the glistening, silvery intestine and you play what I like to refer to as the alcoholic bagpipe into your own glass.
Sometimes I'll even snip the bag along one edge and wear it like a foil balaclava in my own living room.
Like a pissed yet sophisticated alien.
"I'm from Zinfandel.
" Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Zoe Lyons.
You've been fantastic, thank you so very much indeed! Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zoe Lyons! Ladies and gentlemen, when I was putting the show together, as you can imagine, we listen to loads of music.
I heard this track in the office.
I immediately said, "We've got to book them.
" Single their single Trouble Is A Struggle Does, please welcome to the stage Striking Matches.
CHEERING # Woke up this morning with a pounding in my brain # I don't know where I am or how I will explain # The congregation whispers when I walk in late # Oughta straighten up, if only for my momma's sake # Everybody says I've lost my mind # When I'm with you I guess I see why # I'm saying things I'd never say Doing things that I don't do # You're no good for me and they say I'm too good for you # But I can't help myself when you're around # Trouble is as trouble does and I'm in trouble now # All points bulletin Last seen yesterday # Brown hair, brown eyes Third time runaway # We pulled in, 2am Front porch light still on # I saw your daddy comin' We were going, going, gone # Everybody says I've lost my mind # When I'm with you I guess I see why # Saying things I never say Doing things that I don't do # You're no good for me and they say I'm too good for you # I can't help myself when you're around # Trouble is as trouble does and I'm in trouble # I'm in trouble now # Everybody says I lost my mind # When I'm with you I guess I see why # Saying things I'd never say Doing things that I don't do # You're no good for me and they say I'm too good for you # I can't help myself # I can't help myself # I can't, I can't # I can't help myself when you're around Trouble is as trouble does and I'm in trouble now.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, what did I say? Striking Matches! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm sure we're going to be seeing a lot more of them.
Absolutely brilliant! Now it's time for our final act of the evening.
AUDIENCE: Awwww! This act, I've got to be honest with you Well, to be honest, I hate him.
And I tell you why, because I used to be the only Northern comedian with big teeth, good hair and under 30 years of age.
That's all changed with this lad.
You're going to recognise them, you know he's funny.
It gives me ultimate joy to bring onto the stage someone that I saw do some of his first-ever gigs.
Please welcome to the stage Chris Ramsey! CHEERING Hello! It's lovely to be here.
It's posh in here.
It's nice.
I did I gig the other week and I got the poshest heckle I've ever had in my life, the poshest thing I've ever heard anyone say.
I was doing a gig in a lovely area.
I started talking to a lovely lady in the front row.
I'm not joking, she was very She was well-to-do, she was good.
She was well above my pay grade, right? She was a lovely lass, right, but her name was ridiculous.
It was a name that a posh person should not have.
I didn't know this name still existed, I thought it had died out.
We started talking.
"What's your name, darling?" Her name was Jemima.
Ridiculous! Ridiculous.
If you are posh in this room, you've got a few quid and you're having a daughter, do not call her Jemima.
It's not fair.
It's ridiculous, she hasn't got a chance.
It's like calling a ginger kid the Lord of Fire.
What are you doing? She was a lovely lass.
We started chatting away.
"Does Jemima's daddy own the building?" Blah-blah-blah, we moved on.
Now, this is how I know Jemima was posh.
Jemima's mate started joining in.
This is how I know she was definitely posh.
She didn't heckle.
Jemima's friend, in the middle of a gig, went And I was freaked out.
I went, "Ooh! "Hello?" She went, "Erm, you didn't ask about Jemima's new pet.
" I wasn't aware I had to, love.
I didn't get the memo, I didn't get the e-mail.
I went, "Jemima, what's the pet?" She went, "Erm Er" She got very embarrassed.
Now I'm thinking this is a posh girl here.
I don't want to stereotype her, but I'm guessing maybe a pony but that might be too much on the nose.
Maybe a little handbag rat fashion dog that everyone seems to have.
"Come on, Jemima, what's your pet?" "No.
" "What's your pet?" "No.
" You could have put me in a room with Google for a year and I would never have guessed what her pet was.
"Come on, Jemima, what's your pet?" She went, "Oh, a peacock.
" I couldn't believe it.
"Sorry?!" How is that a pet? What, do you take it for walks down the high street on a lead? "Oh, he likes you!" All right, OK, we laughed and we carried on.
Jemima's friend piped up again.
She went, "Erm" I went, "Yes, what is it?" "Erm, you didn't ask the peacock's name.
" And I hadn't.
Idiot! I got so excited that this maniac had a peacock as a pet.
I forgot to ask her.
I'm thinking alliteration, it has to be alliteration, Percy, Peter, Paul, something like that.
"What's the name, Jemima?" "No.
" "What's the name?" "No.
" "WHAT IS THE NAME?" She went, "Oh, Gideon.
" Now You know when you don't laugh and you just go, "Aaah!" It wasn't even a laugh, I just made a noise.
I dropped to one knee, I started losing my mind.
People were freaking out.
There are people phoning their friends, saying, "Get down to the gig now.
"Drop everything! There's a maniac with a peacock called Gideon.
It's never going to happen again!" Freaking out, crying and this is the greatest heckle I've ever had.
Jemima stood up, people freaking out around her and shouted at the top of her voice and I quote, "Well, what would YOU call a bloody peacock then?" Thank you.
I'm really childish, man.
I love stuff like that.
I really do.
But, right, I hit a milestone this week.
I hit a milestone this week.
It hurt.
Something terrible happened.
I was sitting in the house, watching the telly.
The doorbell rang, I got up to answer it, I opened the door, there was no-one there.
For the first time ever, I was the victim.
I was the victim of knocky-door-neighbour.
What do you call it down here? There's different names.
Where are you from? Sorry?! Knock-down ginger? CHEERING Is that real? Haha! Sorry, say it to yourself.
Knock-down ginger.
Knock-down ginger! What is wrong with you people? It sounds like an auburn-based hate crime.
I think it's karma, I think it's karma.
Because, to be honest with you, I was amazing at knock-down ginger when I was a kid.
I was amazing at that when I was a kid, right? I was like a Jedi at it.
This is what happened, right.
The best one we ever did, me and my mate, my mate lived across the street and his dad was the first one on our street to get one of those UPVC doors.
That was like last week in the North.
But these UPVC doors, they had a wireless doorbell.
They had the button on the door that had the receiver in the house.
So we didn't run up the drive, ring on the doorbell and run away.
We casually sauntered up the drive, took the button from the door .
.
hid in the hedge across the road.
Genius! I'm still proud of it to this day.
Sat there, ding-dong! Waited a while, he comes to the door "Bloody kids.
" Shuts the door.
Now, I knew what his living room is like so I timed it so his arse was just back onto the sofa.
Ding-dong! "Aaargh!" He comes back to the door a little bit faster, he thinks, "I'll catch them.
"Right, this is getting weird.
" He shuts the door.
Again, ding-dong! Faster this time.
Ding-dong! Faster again, he's freaking out.
He's thinking, "There's no sound.
There's no footsteps.
"It's ninjas.
" Shut the door, ding-dong! Back again, he gets faster every time.
At one point, I swear I saw the letterbox move.
He had a base camp on the mat.
He was camped out.
Ding-dong! Faster again.
Ding-dong! Faster again.
We were ringing it, bang, and he was there.
At one point, we dinged it.
He opened the door before it donged.
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, it was amazing! And he stopped, stopped coming to the door.
He stopped coming to the door.
We were about to leave and then the best thing happened.
We were about to leave and the door moved.
"Did you press it?" "I didn't press it.
" "OK.
" He walked out of his door, he walked to the end of the drive, he put his hand in the air and he said, " I don't know where you are, "but I've took the batteries out, you little bastards!" Thanks.
Chris Ramsey, you've been amazing.
Thank you! CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Ramsey! CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for all the acts that you've seen tonight.
Thank you, good night and God bless! Thank you!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, thank you for your gracious applause.
I know how rubbish I was then.
I can't tell you how much practice has gone into trying to do this.
I've been trying to practise, one of the dancers called James has been coming and trying to teach me and it's not easy.
It looks easy.
It's not easy, not when there's loads of them and they're wearing these things.
I've never been on stage in heels like that.
I feel like Eddie Izzard.
Look at them! Honestly, it's been murder.
I've been trying to do it and James came to a place by us, a community centre, to try and show me how to do the bits that we had to do.
Cos everyone assumes if you're from Liverpool, you can do Irish dancing.
It's just a thing that they assume because obviously, if you didn't know this, there's a lot of Irish people in Liverpool.
What people don't realise is that the population of Liverpool expanded during the potato famine.
The problem is it's the people who came.
The reality was a lot of people were leaving Ireland and they were leaving forever and they were all going to go to America.
And they all got on the boats and then as they left Dublin, the first port was Liverpool to pick up things to trade.
But all the people were pissed.
So all the drunk ones got off at Liverpool and said, "Jesus, Mary, it's not so far, is it?" If my great-great-grandad hadn't have been pissed, I'd have been American.
That probably explains the teeth.
So, anyway So we've been trying to do it I've been practising.
I thought, "I want to try to get it right.
" So he came up in the week to teach me and Melanie came to watch, my wife.
And this is just a tip for any man in here who's thinking of possibly doing Irish dancing in front of his wife.
I'm doing it and I said to her, "What do you think?" She went, "Well, your feet were all right.
" I said, "What, were my arms too lose?" She said, "No, it's just that your feet move and everything else wobbles.
" But the way she said, she said it in that way that you say to someone who you've been married to the last 20 years.
Not kind of, "Hahaha, wobbly bits!" Kind of, "One-nil!" You know that kind of thing you have when you are living with someone and there is that kind of little You love them.
You love them, but there's just moments when you think, "Take that, you tit!" You know what I mean? Those moments where you think, "Here you are, knobhead! "One-nil!" Just those little, little victories that you have and it all leads to these little arguments.
The reality is with us, my life has changed with all of this malarkey so we've got little techniques now for not arguing in public.
Just little things like, "Let's not argue in public because people are watching.
" But something happened last year that was absolutely brilliant, the best thing that's ever happened in any argument I've ever had.
We were in a place called the Trafford Centre.
It's a shopping centre.
We were there buying clothes and I've got to admit it was my fault.
We were only there cos I booked a holiday without checking if we had any clothes to go on holiday with.
When I said, "I've booked a holiday," she said, "But we've got no clothes.
" I said, "I thought we were going to go in the clothes we've got.
"Thank Christ I've booked a holiday "otherwise August would have come around and we'd have just been naked.
" So I booked this holiday and we were clothes shopping.
I'm like any man in this room, I'm not really into clothes shopping.
We don't go clothes shopping.
I'm just going to reveal something to all the ladies in here.
If we are ever shopping with you to buy clothes, it's not because we want to do it.
It's not because we want to be shopping for clothes.
It's cos we like sex.
Every man in here walks round shopping centres doing what I do, just carrying bags and trying to calculate how many bags you've got to carry to get a blow job.
So we're walking round and we're carrying these bags and I think we're having a conversation, I think we're having a chat.
And then all of a sudden, I realise we're not having a chat.
We're having a row.
We've all been like that - that moment where you think, "Oh, shit, we're having a row "and I better not ask what the row's about.
" Because I sure wasn't listening in the first place.
So she's properly having a row.
I'm just ad-libbing as I go along, going, "Well, whatever!" And she's getting more and more angry and doing that thing that you do in a shopping centre when you have a row, where you take it out on the bag, just wrangling the bag.
"Not here! Not here, I'm not talking about it here!" And I'm just walking behind her, going, "What have I done wrong? "All I said was maybe the shop's got it wrong "when it said number ten on the label.
"What's wrong with you?" And as we're walking - and this is a beautiful moment that would never have happened if I wasn't on telly - this young girl came up to us, 19 or 20.
She said, "Excuse me, John, I know you're busy, "but can I get a picture?" And I never like to refuse.
Melanie is just pissed off, she's just stood there going, "Picture with that dickhead? Hmmph! "You put his undies in the washing machine, you wouldn't want a picture, I can tell you!" So she's stood there like that and this girl's saying, "Can I have a picture?" I said, "Yeah, of course, of course.
" So she's like that and she sees Melanie stood there and she goes, "Excuse me, do you mind taking it?" APPLAUSE "Of course she doesn't, love! Here, you get right in here! "Here you are, how is that? How's that?" Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the first act.
I've seen him a couple of times, he just gets better and better.
He's a local Hackney boy.
CROWD: Ooooh! Please welcome to the stage the hilarious Funmbi Omotayo! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
How are we doing, guys? Are we good? CROWD CHEERS You guys ready for the ethnic part of the show? Yeah? I'll introduce myself again.
My name is Funmbi.
That's my real name.
I'm part African, part British, you know? I'm African when I go home, that's my roots.
Nigeria! And I'm British, you know, when I'm signing on.
So I've got it all figured out, you know.
My allegiance just kind of waivers depending on what's going on.
I'll give you an example, guys.
When England got knocked out of the World Cup in the group stages and Nigeria advanced, I'm Nigerian, right? Last year's outbreak of Ebola .
.
I'm British, so That's how it works, you know? My full name on my driver's license, OK, is Olufumnbi Adedeji Omotayo.
CROWD CHEERS I'm one of the only black guys in London who looks forward to being stopped by police.
Cos it's a moment I treasure, you know? Cos they can't pronounce it.
They just stare at you like "Just keep the music down, please, sir.
" Now, it's well-documented, you know, that the relationship between black people and the police is a bit of a turbulent one, OK? But I had a moment with the London Met, yeah, I had a little moment with the police cos I had a flat tyre, right, and the police pulled up and obviously at first, I'm thinking, "Oh, my God, I really hope they don't think "I'm trying to steal this tyre right now.
" But they pulled up and they help me change the tyre and we had a moment, yeah! But just as they were about to leave, one of the officers had to ruin it, you know? Because I was like, "Thank you very much, guys.
" He said, "Yeah! "Tell your friends we're not all that bad.
" I was like, "Really? "How about you tell your friends we are not all that bad?" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I was so offended, right? I wanted to give this guy a piece of my mind, but I didn't have insurance so I said, "I'll tell my friends the good news.
" But like John said, I'm from Hackney, I'm a local boy.
CHEERING That's right, yes.
It's an honour to be here, you know? I'm actually from Hackney.
Not ghetto though, not ghetto.
Not one of those people, you know.
Because I smile too much, you know? It just ruins the whole experience.
You know when you're trying to be hard, you know? And all of a sudden, the little It just doesn't work.
I've tried, it doesn't work.
Hackney is changed now, it's changed a lot.
It used to have a repetition for being a rough area, right, but now it's gentrified so it's all changed.
It's beautiful.
A lot of white people now walking around freely, it's beautiful.
I came out the station the other day and this white guy offered me drugs.
It threw me off completely, OK? I just came and he was like, "Oi! "Do you want some weed?" And I got really offended at first, right, cos I was like, "Look at these white boys coming into our neighbourhoods, "taking our jobs!" But I love all the races we have in London.
I think we should all hang out, let's just get along, let's just do it.
It's a beautiful city.
Cos we've done it before, you know, during the Olympics.
Yeah! I was British for a month.
I miss the Olympics now, I really do because they brought the torch to my street.
The Olympic torch, they brought it to Hackney.
And we all came out because we thought it was a giant spliff and We just wanted to pass it around, you know.
Spread that love, right? And I'm spoiled because I get to support two nations, yeah! Great Britain and Nigeria! And I was told, guys, before the whole event, that Nigeria is a Third World country.
Which is not bad, isn't it, top three? That's respectable, isn't it? My favourite event - the 100 metres final.
Now I'm supporting Usain Bolt.
I told my white friend this before the event and he got really offended.
He was like, "Why are you supporting Usain Bolt, Funmbi? "He's not British or Nigerian.
"You're only supporting him because he's BLACK!" And I was like, "Dude, it's the 100 metres final.
"They're all black.
" You've been a fantastic audience.
Thank you for having me, good night.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Funmbi Omotayo! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me a special honour to bring onto the stage an amazing act.
Someone who's worked all over the world.
Please welcome the unique Boy With Tape On His Face.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE MUSIC: Mission: Impossible Theme by Lalo Schiffrin MUSIC STOPS, LAUGHTER MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS CHEERING HONKING HONKING HONKING HONKING HONKING APPLAUSE BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS APPLAUSE BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS APPLAUSE BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS MUSIC: Swan Lake (excerpt) by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS BELL RINGS APPLAUSE MUSIC: Wedding March by Felix Mendelsohhn # Does he love me? I wanna know # How can I tell if he loves me so? # Is it in his eyes? # Oh, no, you'll be deceived # Is it in his eyes? # Oh, no, he'll make believe # If you want to know Shoop-shoop-shoop # If he loves you so Shoop-shoop-shoop # It's in his kiss That's where it is # Oh, yeah, or is it in his face? # Oh, no, it's just his charm # In his warm embrace? # Oh, no, that's just his arm # If you wanna know Shoop-shoop-shoop If he loves you so CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, The Boy With Tape On His Face! CHEERING I thought the marriage bit was lovely.
I thought it was beautiful.
But the thing I love the most is the way the camera was on the boyfriend, who was NOT a happy camper! There was a lot of tension back where all the cameras are.
They were going, "Get the camera on the boyfriend.
I think there's going to be a fight.
Fight, fight!" "Don't you kiss him, don't you kiss him!" And to be fair, he was a good-looking lad.
What a good-looking lad! Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me enormous pleasure to introduce the next artist.
From her album Tough Love, please welcome singing Champagne Kisses, Jessie Ware! CHEERING # Whose fault is it # That I'm crazy about you? # You are in every single dream # And I'm thinking about you # If you wanna do, do, do me right # Do, do, do, do, do # If you wanna leave it all tonight # Do, do, do, do, do # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # I count every kiss # Until I'm finally sleeping # This love supreme # That's why I'll always give in # If you wanna do, do, do me right # Do, do, do, do, do # If you wanna leave it all tonight # Do, do, do, do, do # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love You don't give it # All I want is your love # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # When there's nothing left except you and this # Champagne kisses # Champagne kisses # Champagne # And I won't be mad I won't be mad Champagne kisses.
CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Jessie Ware! Thank you! How good was that? CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, when you're on the circuit, you move around and you sometimes gig with different people and you get to see people that you want to be on stage with, you want to share a bill with.
This particular act, we've crisscrossed all our careers.
We've never actually been on the same bill.
Once I got my own show I had no hesitation in booking her.
You will see why.
Please welcome to the stage Zoe Lyons! CHEERING Hello, people! Very nice to be in the East End of London, very hip part of London now, isn't it? There are so many men out there with beards and braces and boots, I don't whether I'm in a hipster hotspot or I've discovered a secret inner-city Amish community.
I like a trend, I do like a trend.
While we are all here, can we agree that enough pork has now been pulled? Can we agree on that? Can we, collectively? Can we stop pulling pork, can we? There'll be people in this theatre so young, they don't realise there was a time before pork was pulled.
I'm old enough to remember when it simply fell off the bone.
I mean, I do worry about future food trends.
What next, thrown pork? It's ridiculous.
I'm not saying I don't like pulled pork.
I love pulled pork, I love my food.
I'm a big eater.
I'm competitive around food.
Do you know what I mean by that? I know it's not a particularly ladylike thing to say, but I'm very competitive around food.
Does anybody else panic in a tapas situation? That's what I'm talking about.
That level of competitiveness, proper panic.
A sort of twitch of the eye, a curl of the lip.
Do you find yourself circling the dishes like a hyena on the Serengeti? "This isn't going to be enough, is it?" I'm shovelling bits of bread up my sleeve for later, you know.
Don't attempt to eat tapas with me because you will lose.
You will lose and then you will cry when I make you split the bill because that will be happening.
Cos I think you get to a certain age and you split the bill, don't you? You don't pay for what you had, you split the bill.
It usually means there's one girl at the end of the table just weeping, going, "Why am I paying 53 quid, Zo? "I only had an olive!" You had the same chances as me, bitch! You just didn't take them, that's all.
The windows of opportunity were wide open for all of us, weren't they? You decided to talk through them, didn't you? Talking about this, talking about that.
How was your special day? It was your birthday.
I was shovelling in the meatballs, that was what I was doing.
I didn't come here for chitchat.
I came here for carbohydrates and protein.
Got my money's worth! I actually managed to eat so much at that particular meal, I got up to leave, I put my sunglasses on and thought, "Oh, God, they feel tight!" You know you've overdone it if you're having to let out your own glasses after a meal.
"My face feels a bit fat!" I like a bit of indulgence.
I do, I like a bit of indulgence.
We're always being told we eat too much, we drink too much, don't look at salt, it'll make you go blind.
Sod it! Life's too short.
I like a drink Every now and again, I realise that I'm drinking a bit too much.
You get those little warning signs, don't you? Mine came a couple of weeks ago.
I was with a mate of mine and I just turned to her and said, "Now that "Is a very nice "Breakfast wine.
" I'm a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to wine.
Not showing off, I just like to think that I am.
Favourite wine, if I was pushed, if I was forced to make a decision, box.
I'd say box.
Very much for the box of wine.
People are very snobby about boxes of wine in this country.
If you turn up to a party or indeed a funeral with a box of wine Something to sit on, isn't it? It is.
They go on forever, don't they? You're like that, "He was a lovely man.
" I've had it mentioned to me.
"I can't believe you've brought a box.
"Really, Zo? A box of wine? A box? Really? "I think you'll find a bottle is better.
" "I think you'll find it isn't.
" I love a box of wine because it's your little secret as well, a box of wine, isn't it? If you're like me and you like a bit too much every now and again, a bottle can be so revealing, can't it? You go out and you have a bottle of wine, it likes to tell the rest of the room exactly how much you've heard, doesn't it? Glass! Such a transparent whore, isn't it? The bottle just sits bolt upright at the end of the table, going, "Look at me.
"I'm half empty.
She only started drinking five minutes ago.
"This doesn't bode well for the rest of the evening, does it? "It's going to be teary or fighty before the night is over.
" I'm just saying life is too short to give yourself that aggro.
You can't see through a cardboard box of wine, that's what I'm saying.
Nobody can tell how much of a five litre cardboard box of wine you have slowly but steadily sipped your way through during the course of a really dull party, can they? Sometimes I'll even stick a straw in the top and pretend it's a massive Ribena.
Fun size! It keeps giving as well, doesn't it? It's a little miracle.
In a world where a lot of things have been explained scientifically, you can't explain how the box of wine keeps giving.
You think, "It's like an Escher wine fountain.
How does it keep going? "I've been bashing away on it solidly for the last couple of hours.
"It's amazing!" And then you can feel the weight slacken.
A little bit of tension fills the room, doesn't it? "Come on, I know you're in there! "Come on!" And you press the stopper with all your might, don't you? "Come on!" You give yourself a blood blister on the thumb.
"Come on!" The last dribbles dispense into the glass, don't they? And that is often where I find an amateur will discard of the box of wine.
Idiots! Idiots! It's not over, is it? It's not over.
You know, I know, it's lurking in the corners, isn't it? You rip open the cardboard head.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You pull out the glistening, silvery intestine and you play what I like to refer to as the alcoholic bagpipe into your own glass.
Sometimes I'll even snip the bag along one edge and wear it like a foil balaclava in my own living room.
Like a pissed yet sophisticated alien.
"I'm from Zinfandel.
" Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Zoe Lyons.
You've been fantastic, thank you so very much indeed! Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zoe Lyons! Ladies and gentlemen, when I was putting the show together, as you can imagine, we listen to loads of music.
I heard this track in the office.
I immediately said, "We've got to book them.
" Single their single Trouble Is A Struggle Does, please welcome to the stage Striking Matches.
CHEERING # Woke up this morning with a pounding in my brain # I don't know where I am or how I will explain # The congregation whispers when I walk in late # Oughta straighten up, if only for my momma's sake # Everybody says I've lost my mind # When I'm with you I guess I see why # I'm saying things I'd never say Doing things that I don't do # You're no good for me and they say I'm too good for you # But I can't help myself when you're around # Trouble is as trouble does and I'm in trouble now # All points bulletin Last seen yesterday # Brown hair, brown eyes Third time runaway # We pulled in, 2am Front porch light still on # I saw your daddy comin' We were going, going, gone # Everybody says I've lost my mind # When I'm with you I guess I see why # Saying things I never say Doing things that I don't do # You're no good for me and they say I'm too good for you # I can't help myself when you're around # Trouble is as trouble does and I'm in trouble # I'm in trouble now # Everybody says I lost my mind # When I'm with you I guess I see why # Saying things I'd never say Doing things that I don't do # You're no good for me and they say I'm too good for you # I can't help myself # I can't help myself # I can't, I can't # I can't help myself when you're around Trouble is as trouble does and I'm in trouble now.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, what did I say? Striking Matches! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm sure we're going to be seeing a lot more of them.
Absolutely brilliant! Now it's time for our final act of the evening.
AUDIENCE: Awwww! This act, I've got to be honest with you Well, to be honest, I hate him.
And I tell you why, because I used to be the only Northern comedian with big teeth, good hair and under 30 years of age.
That's all changed with this lad.
You're going to recognise them, you know he's funny.
It gives me ultimate joy to bring onto the stage someone that I saw do some of his first-ever gigs.
Please welcome to the stage Chris Ramsey! CHEERING Hello! It's lovely to be here.
It's posh in here.
It's nice.
I did I gig the other week and I got the poshest heckle I've ever had in my life, the poshest thing I've ever heard anyone say.
I was doing a gig in a lovely area.
I started talking to a lovely lady in the front row.
I'm not joking, she was very She was well-to-do, she was good.
She was well above my pay grade, right? She was a lovely lass, right, but her name was ridiculous.
It was a name that a posh person should not have.
I didn't know this name still existed, I thought it had died out.
We started talking.
"What's your name, darling?" Her name was Jemima.
Ridiculous! Ridiculous.
If you are posh in this room, you've got a few quid and you're having a daughter, do not call her Jemima.
It's not fair.
It's ridiculous, she hasn't got a chance.
It's like calling a ginger kid the Lord of Fire.
What are you doing? She was a lovely lass.
We started chatting away.
"Does Jemima's daddy own the building?" Blah-blah-blah, we moved on.
Now, this is how I know Jemima was posh.
Jemima's mate started joining in.
This is how I know she was definitely posh.
She didn't heckle.
Jemima's friend, in the middle of a gig, went And I was freaked out.
I went, "Ooh! "Hello?" She went, "Erm, you didn't ask about Jemima's new pet.
" I wasn't aware I had to, love.
I didn't get the memo, I didn't get the e-mail.
I went, "Jemima, what's the pet?" She went, "Erm Er" She got very embarrassed.
Now I'm thinking this is a posh girl here.
I don't want to stereotype her, but I'm guessing maybe a pony but that might be too much on the nose.
Maybe a little handbag rat fashion dog that everyone seems to have.
"Come on, Jemima, what's your pet?" "No.
" "What's your pet?" "No.
" You could have put me in a room with Google for a year and I would never have guessed what her pet was.
"Come on, Jemima, what's your pet?" She went, "Oh, a peacock.
" I couldn't believe it.
"Sorry?!" How is that a pet? What, do you take it for walks down the high street on a lead? "Oh, he likes you!" All right, OK, we laughed and we carried on.
Jemima's friend piped up again.
She went, "Erm" I went, "Yes, what is it?" "Erm, you didn't ask the peacock's name.
" And I hadn't.
Idiot! I got so excited that this maniac had a peacock as a pet.
I forgot to ask her.
I'm thinking alliteration, it has to be alliteration, Percy, Peter, Paul, something like that.
"What's the name, Jemima?" "No.
" "What's the name?" "No.
" "WHAT IS THE NAME?" She went, "Oh, Gideon.
" Now You know when you don't laugh and you just go, "Aaah!" It wasn't even a laugh, I just made a noise.
I dropped to one knee, I started losing my mind.
People were freaking out.
There are people phoning their friends, saying, "Get down to the gig now.
"Drop everything! There's a maniac with a peacock called Gideon.
It's never going to happen again!" Freaking out, crying and this is the greatest heckle I've ever had.
Jemima stood up, people freaking out around her and shouted at the top of her voice and I quote, "Well, what would YOU call a bloody peacock then?" Thank you.
I'm really childish, man.
I love stuff like that.
I really do.
But, right, I hit a milestone this week.
I hit a milestone this week.
It hurt.
Something terrible happened.
I was sitting in the house, watching the telly.
The doorbell rang, I got up to answer it, I opened the door, there was no-one there.
For the first time ever, I was the victim.
I was the victim of knocky-door-neighbour.
What do you call it down here? There's different names.
Where are you from? Sorry?! Knock-down ginger? CHEERING Is that real? Haha! Sorry, say it to yourself.
Knock-down ginger.
Knock-down ginger! What is wrong with you people? It sounds like an auburn-based hate crime.
I think it's karma, I think it's karma.
Because, to be honest with you, I was amazing at knock-down ginger when I was a kid.
I was amazing at that when I was a kid, right? I was like a Jedi at it.
This is what happened, right.
The best one we ever did, me and my mate, my mate lived across the street and his dad was the first one on our street to get one of those UPVC doors.
That was like last week in the North.
But these UPVC doors, they had a wireless doorbell.
They had the button on the door that had the receiver in the house.
So we didn't run up the drive, ring on the doorbell and run away.
We casually sauntered up the drive, took the button from the door .
.
hid in the hedge across the road.
Genius! I'm still proud of it to this day.
Sat there, ding-dong! Waited a while, he comes to the door "Bloody kids.
" Shuts the door.
Now, I knew what his living room is like so I timed it so his arse was just back onto the sofa.
Ding-dong! "Aaargh!" He comes back to the door a little bit faster, he thinks, "I'll catch them.
"Right, this is getting weird.
" He shuts the door.
Again, ding-dong! Faster this time.
Ding-dong! Faster again, he's freaking out.
He's thinking, "There's no sound.
There's no footsteps.
"It's ninjas.
" Shut the door, ding-dong! Back again, he gets faster every time.
At one point, I swear I saw the letterbox move.
He had a base camp on the mat.
He was camped out.
Ding-dong! Faster again.
Ding-dong! Faster again.
We were ringing it, bang, and he was there.
At one point, we dinged it.
He opened the door before it donged.
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, it was amazing! And he stopped, stopped coming to the door.
He stopped coming to the door.
We were about to leave and then the best thing happened.
We were about to leave and the door moved.
"Did you press it?" "I didn't press it.
" "OK.
" He walked out of his door, he walked to the end of the drive, he put his hand in the air and he said, " I don't know where you are, "but I've took the batteries out, you little bastards!" Thanks.
Chris Ramsey, you've been amazing.
Thank you! CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Ramsey! CHEERING Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for all the acts that you've seen tonight.
Thank you, good night and God bless! Thank you!