The Kennedys (UK) (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Valentine
1 'It was the most romantic day of the year, 'and almost everyone on Jessop Square 'was opening their Valentine Cards.
'Dad wasn't, though.
He never got one.
'Something to do with modern 1970s women keeping 'modern 1970s men on their toes.
' Girl, when you hold me How you control me 'Modern men still had to send modern women a card, though.
'Dad said it was because modern women liked to wear 'modern men's guts for garters.
'Lives would not be worth living if they forgot.
' #.
.
To love the things that you do But just a pastime for you I could never be And I never know, girl If I should stay or go, girl 'I'd sent one to Luke Skywalker on Tatooine 'but Dad said I probably shouldn't expect one in return.
'All the same, it felt like it was going to be a very special day.
' Hey.
This came for you.
For me? A Valentine card! My first ever, Dad.
Whizzer and Chips.
It's got a rabbit kissing another rabbit.
It's like he knows me.
Right.
- But it's not signed.
Who's it from? - Well, you're not supposed to know, are you? It creates an air of mystery.
I got one, too.
72 kisses from your father.
- How do you know it's from him? - "From me, Tony Kennedy, "your husband and nobody else.
" He's glued in a picture.
In case I'm not sure who that is.
It's not very mysterious.
Yes, but I have other airs of mystery, Emma.
No, you haven't.
I just have to find out who mine's from.
Yes, you do that.
And then I'll kill him.
That's how being a dad works.
Anyway tea? Yes, please.
Brenda, have you still not opened this lot? - You're a terror for not opening proper post.
- I know.
Come on.
It might be important.
It never is.
Oh.
It is.
It's my driving test notification.
Driving test notification? Yes, it's on Thursday.
Thursday? This Thursday? Yes.
Brenda, that's in two days.
You can't drive.
I know.
That's why I've applied.
No, Brenda.
That's not how it works.
First you learn to drive.
- Then you take your test.
- Well, I can learn to drive today, can't I? I've got nothing on.
Brenda! It takes months to learn.
Months! I know roads, Tony.
I know them.
It can't be that difficult -- men can drive.
- Well, now it's our turn! Emma? - Mum! No! This is a disastrous idea, Brenda.
There's no way I'm letting you drive.
Oh, what's that you've dropped? A gauntlet? Challenge is on, Tony.
I am a woman.
And I shall drive! Hmm, those are the keys to the house.
It's good, that, isn't it? Handy.
Yes, it is handy, Brenda.
It's handy to be able to see vehicles behind you, yes, it is.
I can't see any vehicles behind me.
I can just see Emma.
Why are you wearing that hat? It's my detective hat.
For finding out who sent me this Valentine card.
Course it is.
Come on.
Get in.
Right, Brenda, last chance saloon here.
There is no need, ever, for you to drive.
- I think you'll find there's every need, Tony.
- But why? So I can tootle about town in a clown car.
Why do you think? So, what do I do first? - Wiggle this? - No.
Don't wiggle that.
Start the engine.
Whoo! OK.
All right, OK, now Mirror.
Signal.
Manoeuvre.
- Thank you.
- Mirror.
Signal.
Manoeuvre.
Thank you.
Brenda! When the car is going backwards when it's supposed to be going forward, it's not funny! - It's not funny! - Sorry.
Right.
Let's try again.
Mirror.
Signal.
Manoeuvre.
- Into first, Brenda, first.
- Which one? Up or down? Up! Up! Up! Up! Look out! You're going to hit her! BRAKE! Oh, God! - You're doing really well, Mum.
- Oh, thank you.
For the love of This is the reason you shouldn't be driving, Brenda! I didn't hit her.
Are you all right, Jenny? I'm really sorry.
It's fine.
In fact, I had really terrible hiccups.
And they've gone.
So, thank you.
Super.
I'm taking my driving test in two days.
Learning to drive? How's that going? Well, it would help if I'd been given better equipment.
Tony's been moaning on about the car for weeks.
Making something nice? Oh, bits and bobs.
Balaclava, pinafore, a new colander.
I've gone knitting mad since I found out I was pregnant.
- I could knit you some L plates.
- Brilliant.
Actually, I'm glad you nearly ran me over cos I've got something to tell you.
- Tim's proposed? - No! Oh But let's just say he gave me a very obvious Valentine card this morning.
So I thought I'd get ahead of the game Going to knit myself this.
A knitted wedding dress? Jenny, have you thought that through? - No.
- If it rained, you'd smell like a wet Labrador.
Why don't you try something less chunky? Cheesecloth.
I got a Valentine card.
- She did.
- Oh, how exciting.
Do you know who sent it? No.
But I'm going to find out who did - and then Dad's going to kill him.
- I am.
Have you looked for clues? Stamp mark, handwriting, if the card's got a distinctive smell about it? Smells of sherbet lemons.
Well, there you go.
That's your first clue.
Do you know anyone who runs a sweet shop? Old Mr Bennett with the weepy eye? Blimey.
I hope it's not from him.
Well, you need to find out who sent it to you cos that is the person who loves you the most.
Oh, that's my job, actually.
Then you can be like me.
And get engaged! Now, Emma, I don't want you to go thinking that all women want is to get engaged.
They don't.
Jenny's pregnant so she's off her head on hormones.
I am.
I'm whooshing with them.
Whooshing.
Oh, look, there's an orphan holding a puppy with a broken paw -- floods of tears.
Oh, look, there's a woman with a big nose who's taken the last finger bun in the bakery.
Stabby death face! So, don't be worrying about the getting engaged thing.
It only leads to getting married.
And you don't want that.
- You're married.
- I got married once, Emma.
Once.
You've killed the car, Brenda.
You've actually killed the car.
This is one of the endless reasons why you shouldn't be driving! I think you'll find I've done you an enormous favour.
You can go and get a new one now.
And then I get to learn in it.
I am brilliant.
Thank you.
Well, thanks for the tips.
I think you were right, Emma.
I've got some cheesecloth in the airing cupboard.
I could make Tim a matching suit.
Oh, how exciting! - Oh.
Bad luck, Jenny.
- It's all the excitement! I can try and almost hit you again, if you like? 'So mum was going to drive and I was going to get engaged.
'It was all so modern.
' What are you all up to? An actual Valentine.
Sent to actual me.
Who's it from? Someone who likes sherbet lemons.
Would you like to smell it? - Yes, please.
- Would you like to smell it, Miss? - No, thank you.
- Look.
Sherbet lemons.
And so the net tightens.
I have suspects.
Did you get a card, Miss? I did, actually.
Imagine that.
I wonder who on earth could have sent it to me? Someone old.
Really, really old.
Yeah.
Everything gets better with age, girls.
Remember that.
- Cheese, wine.
- Ham doesn't.
No, ham doesn't, no.
Never mind.
Anyway.
Card away, pencils out.
(Ham indeed.
) Right, children, countries of the world! 'There were a few things Dad really liked getting 'when Mum wasn't looking -- 'pork pies, atlases and now this.
' New wheels.
Nicely done.
Nicely done.
Thank you.
Absolute beauty, isn't she? A 12-seat Land Rover, Tony? But I want to learn to drive.
Not invade Poland.
It's an investment, Brenda.
We'll get years out of that.
Think of the possibilities! Off-road shopping, day trips to picket lines, and it'll be handy if we ever need to send Emma to work on a farm! What? It's enormous.
It's as big as a ship.
Why don't we christen it? Like they do with ocean liners.
Yeah.
I've got a bottle of Babycham in the fridge.
Hang on.
- What are you doing? - I've got some cheesecloth.
I'm going to make you a suit for a special day.
But I'm not getting a new wheels.
No, it's for our Did you find out who sent the card yet? No, not yet.
I've got three suspects, though.
You'll have to set a love test.
See who likes you the most.
Then you can get engaged! - Tim, Emma got a Valentine card.
- It's not from me.
No, I can't drive in that.
It'll have to go back.
It's all right, Brenda.
Four wheel drive.
Stick it into low ratio, it'll drive itself.
30 years from now it'll all be massive cars driving themselves, reading their own maps.
Don't be ridiculous, Tim.
Right.
You do the honours.
And make sure it smashes, cos if it doesn't, it's bad luck forever.
No.
You throw it, Tony.
I don't have the requisite oomph.
What are we going to call it? Ian.
Car-let O'Car-a.
Scarlet O'Hara? Car-let doesn't matter.
Barbara Grimbles? Old headmistress.
Had a large undercarriage.
Bessie.
That's a name that says, "Hello, I'm in charge.
" Bessie it is.
We hereby christen this magnificent vehicle Bessie! Oh, no! Emma! Tony! Jenny! Help! - Oh, no, no! - Child down! Cuts up there always look worse than they are.
Ooh.
Bottle didn't break either.
You'll be all right, Jenny.
It's all I've got but it'll do.
I'm really, really sorry, Em.
It was an accident.
It's OK.
But I am supposed to be getting engaged.
Engaged? Who to? Whoever sent me that Valentine card.
Well, hang on.
We don't know him or his family.
Calm down, Tony.
I've told you before, Emma, a modern girl doesn't need to be thinking about getting engaged.
I only married your father because I was madly in love with him and he bamboozled me with a bag of coal and a sack of onions.
That is true.
So, Tim might pop the question tonight, then, eh? I have never wanted anything more.
Apart from that time I wanted that pressure cooker.
You're absolutely sure, Jenny? I mean, you're not worried he still might be a bit, you know, feral? Well, he's given her a suggestive card.
He has.
Ding dong, the bells are going to chime! Can't stop.
I've got a mystery to solve.
Hat, please.
Right.
- There you go.
You look good.
- I feel super.
Oh, bless her.
I remember my first Valentine card.
Who was it from? Me.
I sent it to myself.
'Mum always said anything worthwhile was never easy.
' What's going on? 'It was the day of her test and she was having to practise 'in a car Dad had built for her on the dining room table.
' I am learning to drive.
But your father won't let me do it in his car.
It's almost as if he thinks something terrible is going to happen.
Yes, Brenda, something terrible WILL happen.
You're not ready.
- I am ready! - No, you're not, Brenda.
What about the theory bit.
Road signs? Do you know those? I know signs.
I know them.
- Stop, look, listen.
Thank you.
- That's your Green Cross Code, well done.
You need to learn your Highway Code.
- Clunk, click every trip? - No, Brenda.
Road signs.
Markings.
What's a red circle with a white stripe across it? Fabulous? - It's no entry.
- No entry.
Tricks.
Tricks, Tony! I am going to take this test and I am going to pass! Up the women! Up the women? Oi oi.
What's all this? Dad won't let Mum drive his new car.
- Too right.
- You see, Emma, this is exactly the sort of thing I keep warning you about.
- Men sticking together, trying - You stick together with Jenny.
Stop confusing the issue with facts.
Whose side are you on anyway? Tim, you're looking very cagey.
What are you up to? Going out looking for something special? No, I'm trying to avoid Jenny.
She keeps trying to make me put on cheesecloth trousers, Brenda.
It's not what nature intended.
It's weird.
It's not weird, Tim.
Being pregnant does funny things to your brain.
- Hormones whooshing everywhere.
- I'll be honest, Brenda.
I'm not really a hormones man.
More sexy horseplay, beer - Football.
- Football.
- Pie.
- Love pie.
Perhaps it's a love test to see if you like her the most.
You know, so you can get Ooh.
Um, Tim Did you ask Jenny something last night? - Yes, but it's no sex till the baby comes.
- No, no, no, no, no, not that.
Perhaps she wants something else? Teasmaid? Perhaps something a little bit more committed than a Teasmaid? - Hostess trolley.
- No, silly.
You need to get eng Ooh, thank you, Blurty McGerty! Anyway, they're never going to let you take your test in a table with a plunger for a gear stick.
I know! But he won't let me do it in his car.
Of course he won't.
Never teach your own wife.
That's a golden rule.
So, you think a man who isn't married to a woman - can teach that woman to drive? - Course! - Where's your car? - Well - Hang on.
- Right! Let's give this a go! Tim! I've put some felt into the crotch so it's not so see-through.
- Do you want to try them on? - I can't! I've got to teach Brenda to drive.
I've got no time for tissue-thin trousers.
Away, away.
- So you're not going to try this stuff on? - No.
Go on.
Ask her.
Jenny, do you want me to ask you something? Yes! Do you want a hostess trolley? No.
Right you are then.
Come on, let's go.
Actually, I would quite like a hostess trolley.
That's it, Brenda.
Nice and slow.
Keep her in first.
Hello, ladies.
Are we just going to kerb crawl, Tim, or are you actually going to teach me anything? It's fine.
You're doing really well.
Nice boots! I'm just out with my mother.
Whoa, there, Brenda.
Nice and easy.
No need to rush.
There is a need to rush.
There's a need to rush to get me to school and out of this car.
Oh, no.
Simon Wood's outside.
Drive past, Mum.
Drop me off round the corner.
Can't I just drop you here? I haven't learned right turns yet.
- No.
You cannot.
- Honestly, Emma.
It's almost as if you're embarrassed by me, or something.
I AM embarrassed of you.
Bit rude.
I might have passed my test by the time I pick you up.
- Imagine that.
- Please, don't pick me up.
Ever! - Love you! Super.
So let's have a stock take.
First gear.
It's there! Indicators? - They're on.
- My hand on your thigh? - My fist in your crotch.
- You're like a dangerous horse.
'One thing about going to school in the 1970s was you were 'constantly shown films about things you had to be terrified of.
' 'Most people are good and kind.
'But there are some who want to hurt children.
'So always say no to strangers.
'A stranger offering you a lift isn't always bad.
'But he could be.
'So it's best to think about a strange car as danger.
' It's definitely him.
He's the only one who gave you a gobstopper by the pegs.
It was the love test to end all love tests.
How do you get engaged? I think how it works is you get pregnant.
Emma's pregnant.
And so is Simon Wood.
Emma's pregnant.
And so is Simon Wood.
Emma's pregnant.
And so is Simon Wood.
Emma's pregnant.
And so are you.
- Is it true? - Yes, it is.
So now you have to get engaged.
But I haven't finished my Dib Dab.
I'll have that.
Are you, Simon, pregnant with Emma? I don't know or understand.
We are.
Then that's that.
You're engaged.
Hooray! 'I had succeeded in my quest but could Mum do the same?' So, in your own time, stop then continue on again.
- You want me to stop then start on a hill? - Yes, please.
- Are you mad? Why would I do that? - It's the hill start.
I'm not stopping on a hill.
Right.
Well, then, when I hit the dashboard I want you to stop.
What for? To simulate an emergency stop.
Hitting the dashboard is an emergency? Really? No.
It's not an actual emergency.
It's a simulation.
- I've hit the dashboard.
- Yes, I know.
But I can't stop here, can I? I'm in the middle of the road.
Hitting the dashboard is an emergency.
Ridiculous man.
- Right - Ah, wait.
Was that a trick question? A point for knowing it's a trick question.
Could you stop, please, Mrs Kennedy? Just stop anywhere.
- Oh, I can do that, yes.
- Look out! No! Points for that? Mrs Kennedy, I can't really see any further point in continuing.
You have failed your test.
I've failed my test? You failed on everything.
Every single thing.
That's never happened to me before.
So, for that, thank you.
I knew where the gear stick was.
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre! Thank you.
Indicators, look! Have some more lessons or never drive again.
Now, let's swap places.
Oh, no, you don't.
I'm driving back.
I'll show you I can drive.
Failed indeed.
Now, Mrs Kennedy You Did anyone die? No! I nearly blinking did.
And me! That's yours.
Never drive again, ever.
He failed me.
Can you even believe it? - Yes, I can.
- I am a woman! And I shall drive! Get in, Tim.
We're going to pick Emma up.
Driving! Driving! See, driving! Driving! Oh, wait.
This is the hormones whooshing around, isn't it? You're not pregnant as well, are you? Mirror, signal, manoeuvre, thank you.
We're engaged now, Simon, so we should get on with the arguing as soon as possible, - cos there's a tiny chance my dad's going to kill you.
- What? OK, a pretty big chance.
'Mum liked to say it wasn't that she had got something wrong, 'it was just that the rest of the world 'hadn't caught up with her yet.
' Brenda, seriously.
You're burning the clutch to a husk.
- Let me drive it back, for the love of all things decent! - No.
You can't.
Never stop a woman proving a point, Tim.
'In short, she was never wrong.
Ever.
' Come on.
In you get! 'So, always so no to strangers.
' 'Hello, young lady.
' Do you know that man? I've never seen him before in my life.
Come on! Get in! 'Now, remember, think of a strange car as danger.
' Miss Parsons! Miss Parsons! Emma's got in a car with a stranger! What? Forget your keys, did you? How did it go? - Tony Kennedy? - Yes? I'm afraid we've had a report of your daughter being taken from outside the school gates.
- What? - A car pulled up and Emma was dragged into it.
I'm so sorry, Mr Kennedy.
What? Poor Brenda! Oh, no! Brenda! Sorry! Holy moley! You've pranged my ruddy car! That's him! That's the man who took Emma.
- Get him! - Oi, you! - Wait! - What the heck? It's a ruddy prang, man.
A prang! We've got the L plates on! It's a bit heavy-handed, isn't it, mate? Where is she? Tell me what you've done with her.
She's there.
She's the one that's driving.
- She's the one that pranged it.
Not me.
- I do not require handcuffs, put those away, thank you.
I had absolutely no idea you were arrested if you failed your driving test.
Nobody told me that.
- No! That's my wife! - What? Are you that man's wife? Yes.
I am.
A woman can drive without her husband, you know.
We're not in the Dark Ages.
Emma! - Come here.
- This is so embarrassing.
Dad! - That's my daughter! - That's my fiance! What did you mean your fiance? Well, we got pregnant, then engaged, and then she said you were going to kill me.
Well, I am going to kill you.
So, prepare to die.
Hold on a minute.
You can't threaten to kill this boy.
Well, I'm not really going to kill him, am I? (I am.
) So, this is your daughter we thought had been abducted? Abducted? Emma has not been abducted.
Emma is with me.
What's happening? Oh, no! No! Never run with scissors! Why are they arresting you? Who's this? Your wife? No, she's not my wife.
I mean, she will be.
She's pregnant.
Trust me, don't cross her.
She's like a cornered mongoose.
- Will be? - Yes, definitely.
Go on, then, ask her.
Make it official.
- I don't think now is the right time - Yes, now! Just do it.
Go on, go on, ask her! Tim, just ask her to marry you! For Pete's sake! All right! - Will you marry me? - YES! This is it (This is it) Oh, this time I know it's the real thing Congratulations, mate.
Lovely.
Right.
Congratulations.
- So, this woman is your mother? - Yes, she is.
And you weren't being abducted? No.
Simon! You said she'd been taken by strangers! It's not my fault.
She told me she didn't know who you were.
Why would you say that? To avoid rubbishy embarrassment.
And here we are again.
It's just a scratch.
Spit on it.
It'll disappear.
'Romance was nothing but trouble.
'And turns out it was pretty sneaky, too.
' That's it, Brenda.
Never again.
Your driving days are over.
I blame you, Tony.
You made me open the important looking post.
That was the start of it.
Blooming Valentines! If Simon hadn't sent me that card, I wouldn't be in this mess.
- Simon didn't send you that card.
- How do you know? Because I did.
Now then, supper.
What are we having, Tony? DAD! I'll KILL her! She ain't got no money, Clothes are kinda funny Hair is kinda wild and free Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes And nobody knows like me She talks kinda lazy And people say she she's crazy And her life's a mystery Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes
'Dad wasn't, though.
He never got one.
'Something to do with modern 1970s women keeping 'modern 1970s men on their toes.
' Girl, when you hold me How you control me 'Modern men still had to send modern women a card, though.
'Dad said it was because modern women liked to wear 'modern men's guts for garters.
'Lives would not be worth living if they forgot.
' #.
.
To love the things that you do But just a pastime for you I could never be And I never know, girl If I should stay or go, girl 'I'd sent one to Luke Skywalker on Tatooine 'but Dad said I probably shouldn't expect one in return.
'All the same, it felt like it was going to be a very special day.
' Hey.
This came for you.
For me? A Valentine card! My first ever, Dad.
Whizzer and Chips.
It's got a rabbit kissing another rabbit.
It's like he knows me.
Right.
- But it's not signed.
Who's it from? - Well, you're not supposed to know, are you? It creates an air of mystery.
I got one, too.
72 kisses from your father.
- How do you know it's from him? - "From me, Tony Kennedy, "your husband and nobody else.
" He's glued in a picture.
In case I'm not sure who that is.
It's not very mysterious.
Yes, but I have other airs of mystery, Emma.
No, you haven't.
I just have to find out who mine's from.
Yes, you do that.
And then I'll kill him.
That's how being a dad works.
Anyway tea? Yes, please.
Brenda, have you still not opened this lot? - You're a terror for not opening proper post.
- I know.
Come on.
It might be important.
It never is.
Oh.
It is.
It's my driving test notification.
Driving test notification? Yes, it's on Thursday.
Thursday? This Thursday? Yes.
Brenda, that's in two days.
You can't drive.
I know.
That's why I've applied.
No, Brenda.
That's not how it works.
First you learn to drive.
- Then you take your test.
- Well, I can learn to drive today, can't I? I've got nothing on.
Brenda! It takes months to learn.
Months! I know roads, Tony.
I know them.
It can't be that difficult -- men can drive.
- Well, now it's our turn! Emma? - Mum! No! This is a disastrous idea, Brenda.
There's no way I'm letting you drive.
Oh, what's that you've dropped? A gauntlet? Challenge is on, Tony.
I am a woman.
And I shall drive! Hmm, those are the keys to the house.
It's good, that, isn't it? Handy.
Yes, it is handy, Brenda.
It's handy to be able to see vehicles behind you, yes, it is.
I can't see any vehicles behind me.
I can just see Emma.
Why are you wearing that hat? It's my detective hat.
For finding out who sent me this Valentine card.
Course it is.
Come on.
Get in.
Right, Brenda, last chance saloon here.
There is no need, ever, for you to drive.
- I think you'll find there's every need, Tony.
- But why? So I can tootle about town in a clown car.
Why do you think? So, what do I do first? - Wiggle this? - No.
Don't wiggle that.
Start the engine.
Whoo! OK.
All right, OK, now Mirror.
Signal.
Manoeuvre.
- Thank you.
- Mirror.
Signal.
Manoeuvre.
Thank you.
Brenda! When the car is going backwards when it's supposed to be going forward, it's not funny! - It's not funny! - Sorry.
Right.
Let's try again.
Mirror.
Signal.
Manoeuvre.
- Into first, Brenda, first.
- Which one? Up or down? Up! Up! Up! Up! Look out! You're going to hit her! BRAKE! Oh, God! - You're doing really well, Mum.
- Oh, thank you.
For the love of This is the reason you shouldn't be driving, Brenda! I didn't hit her.
Are you all right, Jenny? I'm really sorry.
It's fine.
In fact, I had really terrible hiccups.
And they've gone.
So, thank you.
Super.
I'm taking my driving test in two days.
Learning to drive? How's that going? Well, it would help if I'd been given better equipment.
Tony's been moaning on about the car for weeks.
Making something nice? Oh, bits and bobs.
Balaclava, pinafore, a new colander.
I've gone knitting mad since I found out I was pregnant.
- I could knit you some L plates.
- Brilliant.
Actually, I'm glad you nearly ran me over cos I've got something to tell you.
- Tim's proposed? - No! Oh But let's just say he gave me a very obvious Valentine card this morning.
So I thought I'd get ahead of the game Going to knit myself this.
A knitted wedding dress? Jenny, have you thought that through? - No.
- If it rained, you'd smell like a wet Labrador.
Why don't you try something less chunky? Cheesecloth.
I got a Valentine card.
- She did.
- Oh, how exciting.
Do you know who sent it? No.
But I'm going to find out who did - and then Dad's going to kill him.
- I am.
Have you looked for clues? Stamp mark, handwriting, if the card's got a distinctive smell about it? Smells of sherbet lemons.
Well, there you go.
That's your first clue.
Do you know anyone who runs a sweet shop? Old Mr Bennett with the weepy eye? Blimey.
I hope it's not from him.
Well, you need to find out who sent it to you cos that is the person who loves you the most.
Oh, that's my job, actually.
Then you can be like me.
And get engaged! Now, Emma, I don't want you to go thinking that all women want is to get engaged.
They don't.
Jenny's pregnant so she's off her head on hormones.
I am.
I'm whooshing with them.
Whooshing.
Oh, look, there's an orphan holding a puppy with a broken paw -- floods of tears.
Oh, look, there's a woman with a big nose who's taken the last finger bun in the bakery.
Stabby death face! So, don't be worrying about the getting engaged thing.
It only leads to getting married.
And you don't want that.
- You're married.
- I got married once, Emma.
Once.
You've killed the car, Brenda.
You've actually killed the car.
This is one of the endless reasons why you shouldn't be driving! I think you'll find I've done you an enormous favour.
You can go and get a new one now.
And then I get to learn in it.
I am brilliant.
Thank you.
Well, thanks for the tips.
I think you were right, Emma.
I've got some cheesecloth in the airing cupboard.
I could make Tim a matching suit.
Oh, how exciting! - Oh.
Bad luck, Jenny.
- It's all the excitement! I can try and almost hit you again, if you like? 'So mum was going to drive and I was going to get engaged.
'It was all so modern.
' What are you all up to? An actual Valentine.
Sent to actual me.
Who's it from? Someone who likes sherbet lemons.
Would you like to smell it? - Yes, please.
- Would you like to smell it, Miss? - No, thank you.
- Look.
Sherbet lemons.
And so the net tightens.
I have suspects.
Did you get a card, Miss? I did, actually.
Imagine that.
I wonder who on earth could have sent it to me? Someone old.
Really, really old.
Yeah.
Everything gets better with age, girls.
Remember that.
- Cheese, wine.
- Ham doesn't.
No, ham doesn't, no.
Never mind.
Anyway.
Card away, pencils out.
(Ham indeed.
) Right, children, countries of the world! 'There were a few things Dad really liked getting 'when Mum wasn't looking -- 'pork pies, atlases and now this.
' New wheels.
Nicely done.
Nicely done.
Thank you.
Absolute beauty, isn't she? A 12-seat Land Rover, Tony? But I want to learn to drive.
Not invade Poland.
It's an investment, Brenda.
We'll get years out of that.
Think of the possibilities! Off-road shopping, day trips to picket lines, and it'll be handy if we ever need to send Emma to work on a farm! What? It's enormous.
It's as big as a ship.
Why don't we christen it? Like they do with ocean liners.
Yeah.
I've got a bottle of Babycham in the fridge.
Hang on.
- What are you doing? - I've got some cheesecloth.
I'm going to make you a suit for a special day.
But I'm not getting a new wheels.
No, it's for our Did you find out who sent the card yet? No, not yet.
I've got three suspects, though.
You'll have to set a love test.
See who likes you the most.
Then you can get engaged! - Tim, Emma got a Valentine card.
- It's not from me.
No, I can't drive in that.
It'll have to go back.
It's all right, Brenda.
Four wheel drive.
Stick it into low ratio, it'll drive itself.
30 years from now it'll all be massive cars driving themselves, reading their own maps.
Don't be ridiculous, Tim.
Right.
You do the honours.
And make sure it smashes, cos if it doesn't, it's bad luck forever.
No.
You throw it, Tony.
I don't have the requisite oomph.
What are we going to call it? Ian.
Car-let O'Car-a.
Scarlet O'Hara? Car-let doesn't matter.
Barbara Grimbles? Old headmistress.
Had a large undercarriage.
Bessie.
That's a name that says, "Hello, I'm in charge.
" Bessie it is.
We hereby christen this magnificent vehicle Bessie! Oh, no! Emma! Tony! Jenny! Help! - Oh, no, no! - Child down! Cuts up there always look worse than they are.
Ooh.
Bottle didn't break either.
You'll be all right, Jenny.
It's all I've got but it'll do.
I'm really, really sorry, Em.
It was an accident.
It's OK.
But I am supposed to be getting engaged.
Engaged? Who to? Whoever sent me that Valentine card.
Well, hang on.
We don't know him or his family.
Calm down, Tony.
I've told you before, Emma, a modern girl doesn't need to be thinking about getting engaged.
I only married your father because I was madly in love with him and he bamboozled me with a bag of coal and a sack of onions.
That is true.
So, Tim might pop the question tonight, then, eh? I have never wanted anything more.
Apart from that time I wanted that pressure cooker.
You're absolutely sure, Jenny? I mean, you're not worried he still might be a bit, you know, feral? Well, he's given her a suggestive card.
He has.
Ding dong, the bells are going to chime! Can't stop.
I've got a mystery to solve.
Hat, please.
Right.
- There you go.
You look good.
- I feel super.
Oh, bless her.
I remember my first Valentine card.
Who was it from? Me.
I sent it to myself.
'Mum always said anything worthwhile was never easy.
' What's going on? 'It was the day of her test and she was having to practise 'in a car Dad had built for her on the dining room table.
' I am learning to drive.
But your father won't let me do it in his car.
It's almost as if he thinks something terrible is going to happen.
Yes, Brenda, something terrible WILL happen.
You're not ready.
- I am ready! - No, you're not, Brenda.
What about the theory bit.
Road signs? Do you know those? I know signs.
I know them.
- Stop, look, listen.
Thank you.
- That's your Green Cross Code, well done.
You need to learn your Highway Code.
- Clunk, click every trip? - No, Brenda.
Road signs.
Markings.
What's a red circle with a white stripe across it? Fabulous? - It's no entry.
- No entry.
Tricks.
Tricks, Tony! I am going to take this test and I am going to pass! Up the women! Up the women? Oi oi.
What's all this? Dad won't let Mum drive his new car.
- Too right.
- You see, Emma, this is exactly the sort of thing I keep warning you about.
- Men sticking together, trying - You stick together with Jenny.
Stop confusing the issue with facts.
Whose side are you on anyway? Tim, you're looking very cagey.
What are you up to? Going out looking for something special? No, I'm trying to avoid Jenny.
She keeps trying to make me put on cheesecloth trousers, Brenda.
It's not what nature intended.
It's weird.
It's not weird, Tim.
Being pregnant does funny things to your brain.
- Hormones whooshing everywhere.
- I'll be honest, Brenda.
I'm not really a hormones man.
More sexy horseplay, beer - Football.
- Football.
- Pie.
- Love pie.
Perhaps it's a love test to see if you like her the most.
You know, so you can get Ooh.
Um, Tim Did you ask Jenny something last night? - Yes, but it's no sex till the baby comes.
- No, no, no, no, no, not that.
Perhaps she wants something else? Teasmaid? Perhaps something a little bit more committed than a Teasmaid? - Hostess trolley.
- No, silly.
You need to get eng Ooh, thank you, Blurty McGerty! Anyway, they're never going to let you take your test in a table with a plunger for a gear stick.
I know! But he won't let me do it in his car.
Of course he won't.
Never teach your own wife.
That's a golden rule.
So, you think a man who isn't married to a woman - can teach that woman to drive? - Course! - Where's your car? - Well - Hang on.
- Right! Let's give this a go! Tim! I've put some felt into the crotch so it's not so see-through.
- Do you want to try them on? - I can't! I've got to teach Brenda to drive.
I've got no time for tissue-thin trousers.
Away, away.
- So you're not going to try this stuff on? - No.
Go on.
Ask her.
Jenny, do you want me to ask you something? Yes! Do you want a hostess trolley? No.
Right you are then.
Come on, let's go.
Actually, I would quite like a hostess trolley.
That's it, Brenda.
Nice and slow.
Keep her in first.
Hello, ladies.
Are we just going to kerb crawl, Tim, or are you actually going to teach me anything? It's fine.
You're doing really well.
Nice boots! I'm just out with my mother.
Whoa, there, Brenda.
Nice and easy.
No need to rush.
There is a need to rush.
There's a need to rush to get me to school and out of this car.
Oh, no.
Simon Wood's outside.
Drive past, Mum.
Drop me off round the corner.
Can't I just drop you here? I haven't learned right turns yet.
- No.
You cannot.
- Honestly, Emma.
It's almost as if you're embarrassed by me, or something.
I AM embarrassed of you.
Bit rude.
I might have passed my test by the time I pick you up.
- Imagine that.
- Please, don't pick me up.
Ever! - Love you! Super.
So let's have a stock take.
First gear.
It's there! Indicators? - They're on.
- My hand on your thigh? - My fist in your crotch.
- You're like a dangerous horse.
'One thing about going to school in the 1970s was you were 'constantly shown films about things you had to be terrified of.
' 'Most people are good and kind.
'But there are some who want to hurt children.
'So always say no to strangers.
'A stranger offering you a lift isn't always bad.
'But he could be.
'So it's best to think about a strange car as danger.
' It's definitely him.
He's the only one who gave you a gobstopper by the pegs.
It was the love test to end all love tests.
How do you get engaged? I think how it works is you get pregnant.
Emma's pregnant.
And so is Simon Wood.
Emma's pregnant.
And so is Simon Wood.
Emma's pregnant.
And so is Simon Wood.
Emma's pregnant.
And so are you.
- Is it true? - Yes, it is.
So now you have to get engaged.
But I haven't finished my Dib Dab.
I'll have that.
Are you, Simon, pregnant with Emma? I don't know or understand.
We are.
Then that's that.
You're engaged.
Hooray! 'I had succeeded in my quest but could Mum do the same?' So, in your own time, stop then continue on again.
- You want me to stop then start on a hill? - Yes, please.
- Are you mad? Why would I do that? - It's the hill start.
I'm not stopping on a hill.
Right.
Well, then, when I hit the dashboard I want you to stop.
What for? To simulate an emergency stop.
Hitting the dashboard is an emergency? Really? No.
It's not an actual emergency.
It's a simulation.
- I've hit the dashboard.
- Yes, I know.
But I can't stop here, can I? I'm in the middle of the road.
Hitting the dashboard is an emergency.
Ridiculous man.
- Right - Ah, wait.
Was that a trick question? A point for knowing it's a trick question.
Could you stop, please, Mrs Kennedy? Just stop anywhere.
- Oh, I can do that, yes.
- Look out! No! Points for that? Mrs Kennedy, I can't really see any further point in continuing.
You have failed your test.
I've failed my test? You failed on everything.
Every single thing.
That's never happened to me before.
So, for that, thank you.
I knew where the gear stick was.
Mirror, signal, manoeuvre! Thank you.
Indicators, look! Have some more lessons or never drive again.
Now, let's swap places.
Oh, no, you don't.
I'm driving back.
I'll show you I can drive.
Failed indeed.
Now, Mrs Kennedy You Did anyone die? No! I nearly blinking did.
And me! That's yours.
Never drive again, ever.
He failed me.
Can you even believe it? - Yes, I can.
- I am a woman! And I shall drive! Get in, Tim.
We're going to pick Emma up.
Driving! Driving! See, driving! Driving! Oh, wait.
This is the hormones whooshing around, isn't it? You're not pregnant as well, are you? Mirror, signal, manoeuvre, thank you.
We're engaged now, Simon, so we should get on with the arguing as soon as possible, - cos there's a tiny chance my dad's going to kill you.
- What? OK, a pretty big chance.
'Mum liked to say it wasn't that she had got something wrong, 'it was just that the rest of the world 'hadn't caught up with her yet.
' Brenda, seriously.
You're burning the clutch to a husk.
- Let me drive it back, for the love of all things decent! - No.
You can't.
Never stop a woman proving a point, Tim.
'In short, she was never wrong.
Ever.
' Come on.
In you get! 'So, always so no to strangers.
' 'Hello, young lady.
' Do you know that man? I've never seen him before in my life.
Come on! Get in! 'Now, remember, think of a strange car as danger.
' Miss Parsons! Miss Parsons! Emma's got in a car with a stranger! What? Forget your keys, did you? How did it go? - Tony Kennedy? - Yes? I'm afraid we've had a report of your daughter being taken from outside the school gates.
- What? - A car pulled up and Emma was dragged into it.
I'm so sorry, Mr Kennedy.
What? Poor Brenda! Oh, no! Brenda! Sorry! Holy moley! You've pranged my ruddy car! That's him! That's the man who took Emma.
- Get him! - Oi, you! - Wait! - What the heck? It's a ruddy prang, man.
A prang! We've got the L plates on! It's a bit heavy-handed, isn't it, mate? Where is she? Tell me what you've done with her.
She's there.
She's the one that's driving.
- She's the one that pranged it.
Not me.
- I do not require handcuffs, put those away, thank you.
I had absolutely no idea you were arrested if you failed your driving test.
Nobody told me that.
- No! That's my wife! - What? Are you that man's wife? Yes.
I am.
A woman can drive without her husband, you know.
We're not in the Dark Ages.
Emma! - Come here.
- This is so embarrassing.
Dad! - That's my daughter! - That's my fiance! What did you mean your fiance? Well, we got pregnant, then engaged, and then she said you were going to kill me.
Well, I am going to kill you.
So, prepare to die.
Hold on a minute.
You can't threaten to kill this boy.
Well, I'm not really going to kill him, am I? (I am.
) So, this is your daughter we thought had been abducted? Abducted? Emma has not been abducted.
Emma is with me.
What's happening? Oh, no! No! Never run with scissors! Why are they arresting you? Who's this? Your wife? No, she's not my wife.
I mean, she will be.
She's pregnant.
Trust me, don't cross her.
She's like a cornered mongoose.
- Will be? - Yes, definitely.
Go on, then, ask her.
Make it official.
- I don't think now is the right time - Yes, now! Just do it.
Go on, go on, ask her! Tim, just ask her to marry you! For Pete's sake! All right! - Will you marry me? - YES! This is it (This is it) Oh, this time I know it's the real thing Congratulations, mate.
Lovely.
Right.
Congratulations.
- So, this woman is your mother? - Yes, she is.
And you weren't being abducted? No.
Simon! You said she'd been taken by strangers! It's not my fault.
She told me she didn't know who you were.
Why would you say that? To avoid rubbishy embarrassment.
And here we are again.
It's just a scratch.
Spit on it.
It'll disappear.
'Romance was nothing but trouble.
'And turns out it was pretty sneaky, too.
' That's it, Brenda.
Never again.
Your driving days are over.
I blame you, Tony.
You made me open the important looking post.
That was the start of it.
Blooming Valentines! If Simon hadn't sent me that card, I wouldn't be in this mess.
- Simon didn't send you that card.
- How do you know? Because I did.
Now then, supper.
What are we having, Tony? DAD! I'll KILL her! She ain't got no money, Clothes are kinda funny Hair is kinda wild and free Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes And nobody knows like me She talks kinda lazy And people say she she's crazy And her life's a mystery Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes