The Larkins (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

I'm sorry but I'm leaving home.
Where do you want to go?
I'm going to France.
Tom Fisher.
You've improved the view.
Oh, hello.
Ah, Cedric Charlton,
I'm from the office
of the Inspector of Taxes.
Oh, yeah!
I'm afraid that I anticipate
that you may owe
a rather large sum in tax.
You need to fill out this form.
Form?
A yellow one. We've sent a few.
Ma, we had a form?
Never seen one. Sure we never.
No. Never had no form. Ma says so.
Come in, Mr Charlton.
Come in and help yourself, please.
It's an important form.
Can a form be important, really?
Mum!
Oh, thanks, Mariette.
In you come, Mr Charlton.
Come on, that's it.
Help yourself to some fish and chips.
There's plenty, we buy spares.
Oh! Oh, no, no,
honestly, I've eaten.
A cup of tea? Coffee?
Oh, no. No, thanks.
What about a drink, then?
A bottle of beer?
Oh, no
A glass of port? Slurp of cider?
No, I
What about a cocktail?
Ah, no. No, thank you.
Ah-ah! I'll do us a special.
HE CHUCKLES
Erm, ah, so, right, in terms
of your tax form, Mr Larkin
Do you know anyone who wants a kitten?
No. No. Ah, sorry.
As I was saying about the form
So, do you want a kitten?
Well, my landlady
doesn't allow pets, to be honest
Oh.
Erm, should I just
fill in the form for you
and then you can sign it?
No, no, no, don't worry about that,
there's plenty of time.
No rush at all.
There you go.
I
No, no.
..don't drink.
No, no, I insist.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers!
HE SLURPS AND GAGS
GOOSE HONKS
Oh!
What?
HONKS AGAIN
Well that was decent.
More strawberry mousse, anyone?
It's all gone.
There you go.
Next up, a "Chauffeur." Oh.
That is vermouth, whiskey, gin,
dribble of Angostura.
Erm number of children?
Yep!
He's a sharp one.
Oh, ah, no, sorry,
what's the number of children?
QUIETLY: One, two, three,
four, five, six.
Ah, six. Six. No more?
Plenty of time, give us a chance.
MA LAUGHS
SHE BELCHES
Oh! Manners, pardon?
PA CHUCKLES Wind all of a sudden, see?
Erm I
I must know your income, Mr Larkin.
Well, that's a good question.
What do you get?
Oh!
Erm not much. Ha-ha.
Just give me a rough estimate.
Oh, we're lucky to clear a fiver.
Hm-mm.
Fiver! I'd like to see one.
Supposing, supposing I put down
an income of 500 a year
Gorblimey!
Hundred weeks in a year now, Ma.
Milk?
Please.
Erm
Yeah, that's just what I need.
Oh, goodness.
Ah, Mr Charlton, drop of milk?
Eases the kidneys, opens the bowels?
Oh, God, no!
No, no, no, no. No. God, no.
Look, I need to get
the last train home.
You've missed it.
What?
You have to stay the night.
What?
Oh, I can't stay No. I I
Well, I haven't got any pyjamas.
Well, I'll lend you mine.
Shush now.
Perfik. We'll make up a bed for you.
What about that?
And in the morning, you can persuade
our Mariette to stay around.
Where are you going?
France. After the summer.
Why?
To see the world.
HE COUGHS
Goodness!
That is great stuff.
Mm-mm!
So, ah tax form, tax form,
tax form, tax form
You should eat something
to absorb the alcohol.
Oh! Oh, no, I'm fine, I am fine.
I'm fine, thank you.
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
SNORING
OWL HOOTS
HE WHISTLES
Morning, Libby.
Morning, Mr Larkin.
She's got a nice arse.
Your Mrs Fancy.
Um Thank you
Mr Larkin.
Edith.
Sir George.
Oh. Larkin.
And why the face?
That big, old pile
giving you more gip?
Well, ah these old houses
do cause one or two headaches.
Yeah. You don't even live in it,
do you?
You're out there skulking
in the gamekeeper's cottage.
Yes, but
That's not a home, Sir George,
it's an albatross.
I'll give you a good price.
Bluff Court is not for sale.
Nonetheless, tell your missus
I'll be popping over later.
But
Ah-nah!
I
Ah-ah! Ah!
Would you, please
Ah! Sir George.
I can assure you
Ah!
There is no
Ah!
She'll
HE CHUCKLES
There you are.
Thanks.
What do you think of our Mr Charlton?
He talks too much about forms.
Not you. Mariette.
Well, he seems sweeter than most.
He likes you, you know.
Well, there's not much point
in that, is there?
With me on my way.
Hello, Ma.
There's my popsicle.
Did you get that sauce?
Have I got the sauce!
Saucy.
Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!
THEY SMOOCH LOUDLY
Is he up yet?
No. No?
Why is he on the snooker table?
Oh, cos he said he liked the colour
and the big flatness,
as everything was spinning.
Montgomery
ready for the Straw Man race
tomorrow? Yep.
Ah! I found this.
Oh, look!
Three times winners
before I filled out nicely.
Oh, yeah. Mm!
CEDRIC GROANS UPSTAIRS Aye-aye.
Sounds like the taxman
needs a pick-me-up.
HE WINCES
SNOOKER BALL CLINKS
HE GROANS
Wanna hand?
HE GROANS Oh, no.
No, I'm quite capable of
Oh!
THUD
HE GROANS
CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS
'OK. Right, get up now.
'Ready?
'Ooh! Ooh!'
Oh! Oh, God!
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
'Let's just get these off.
'Huh? Erm Ooh!'
HE SHUDDERS
Sleep all right?
HE GASPS
Nice egg or two for breakfast?
Larkin special, hair of the dog?
Don't ask what's in it,
don't stare at it, just drink. No?
All right, I'll have it.
Sorry, what's the time?
Cock's been up for four hours.
No! No! No! Oh, God, no.
I must make a telephone call.
Well, use our blower.
No, no, I can't, I can't,
it's for official business only.
God, is there a, erm,
a a a telephone box?!
Right, OK
HEAVY BREATHING
Thank you. Thank you
I should be going to work, I'm sorry.
Once I get those pyjamas off you.
What?
WHISPERS: Oh, my God.
HE SLURPS
Oh, God!
Mm, thank you.
See ya later.
COIN CLINKS
PHONE RINGS
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
Morning! Morning, Sir.
It's, ah it's Cedric Charlton.
I'm, ah I'm down at the Larkin's,
as requested.
I'm a I'm afraid I'm going to be
a little late in this morning.
You found some serious
irregularities, I trust?
'No, not really.'
I mean, he owes some tax,
but I hardly feel it warrants
any special attention
COW MOOS Oh!
'What?'
'Sorry, sir.'
Oh, there's a erm
So, I will just, erm,
I will just leave the forms
with Mr Larkin
and head into work immediately,
if that's all right?
No, you'll investigate him
to within an inch of his life,
as I told you.
Oh, really?
It's just that I have cases
of major fraud
which I think warrant
a little more attention.
Charlton,
unless you wish to be sacked,
don't return without evidence
of criminal tax evasion
by Sidney Larkin!
Yes. Yes.
Very good, sir.
PHONE CLICKS
PHONE DIAL WHIRS
PHONE RINGS
CLICK Morning.
Right, my chap's down there,
and we'll make sure he gets his man.
Good.
Thank you, Jeffrey.
Nice to know that
persistent offenders are punished.
I recommend confiscating his farm,
in lieu of taxes.
CLICK, DING
HORSE HOOVES CLOPPING
ROOSTER CROWS
Shh, shh, shh.
Oh, there you are,
my little lemon drops.
Oh, Sandra, you've been
very generous this morning.
Oh, Montgomery.
I hope you're not gonna be
too disappointed tomorrow?
I won't be.
Well, you will be,
cos you've been waiting years
to be old enough
to be in this Straw Man race,
and you're not gonna win.
TWINS: Wee-hee-hee!
THUD
All right, twins?
Ah-ha. Mostly.
Why won't we?
Well, he's got little legs.
He'll be up against Pauline's
big, fit bloke
and all the other lads.
Right, now I really want to win.
You need a better pram. Come on.
You'll look after him, won't you?
Can someone else be in the pram,
please?
Well, there's no-one else
that's old enough.
It's a Larkin pram. Needs a Larkin.
Has the taxman gone?
Oh, I hope not.
He's gonna be good for Mariette.
He's not French enough.
And he's too nervy.
Spent too long in an office.
Sucks the life out of you.
Do we owe a lot of money in tax?
Oh!
Come on
Oh!
..let's have another go!
I think pop and me
can handle Mr Charlton.
Don't you?
SHE CHUCKLES
There you go. That's it.
Hello, Cedric. You all right?
Mm-mm.
Do you know something?
I'm not liking your name.
Oh, then, call me Mr Charlton, sir.
No, no, no.
I'm not one for "mistering", either.
Yeah, no. I tell you what,
I'll call you Charley.
Charley, that's better.
Yeah.
I've got left-over kippers, want some?
I wouldn't.
Too much wire work in kippers!
HORSE SNORTS
Hello.
Hi, hello, hi.
Hi.
So, in terms of tax,
I need to look at your books
immediately.
That'll be tricky,
cos they're all in me head.
Erm, oh, well, I am opening
an investigation, and I, ah
Well, I warn you, it will be thorough.
So, you'll be stopping again
tonight, Charley, yeah?
Lovely! Use a bed this time.
Hmm.
Ah Thank you,
but I will stay in the village.
Well, I don't know what you think
you'll be thoroughly investigating,
cos I'm just a simple man, Charley.
You know what I mean?
Scraping a living
off an unforgiving land.
Yeah, I mean, when was the last time
we had a holiday?
Never even been to Margate.
I hear there's a beach? Yeah?
Oh Well, um
Well, in absence of written figures,
I will, erm
I will accompany you
on your working day
so as to properly assess
your earnings. Yeah.
Righteo. You do that.
I'll tag along, if that's all right?
Hm-mm. Yeah.
I can't hear you breathing.
Oh, sorry, I
I keep forgetting to.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
Come on, then.
Watch it, girls.
Are you all right? Good.
Reg.
Have you got a room for Charley here?
He's a bit nervy.
Ha-ha! He is, yeah.
Works in an office.
It's a nasty business.
Any pal of yours, Pop.
You're a good man. Half price.
Oh! No, no, I'll pay the full price,
thank you.
Blimey, someone who can afford
full price.
Oh, we dream of that.
Don't we, dad? Yeah. Yep.
All right, General.
Who's your friend, Larkin?
Oh, he's a taxman.
Salt of the earth.
Don't hold it against him.
Loves a drink.
He's very nervy.
Works in an office.
Mariette.
Pauline.
Who have you got here?
Friend of mine.
Hmm. Not bad.
Bit nervy.
I'll, um
get Charley some aspirin, pop.
Hmm.
Come on.
Cheers, Reg.
Huh!
Lady Rose.
Oh, Mr Larkin!
My husband suggested
you might be dropping in.
Yes, I want to buy your house.
So I hear. Why?!
So I can pull it down.
What a fabulous idea.
Hmm.
What's it worth?
Oh, seven grand. Cash.
I mean, there's enough
bricks and scrap in there
to rebuild a town.
Plus, I'd share out the land
a bit more fairly, like, you know?
And, well, it'll stop
killing your old man, won't it?
Sadly, I can't see him ever agreeing.
Oh, he will. If you back me up.
Call it seven, five, give me the five,
and let's try to make it happen.
Now, get 'em down your throat
for Mariette.
Oh, yeah, well, I have
a narrow gullet, apparently, so
It's two pills, not a whole trout.
Oh Where's your father?
Oh, he must have been called away
to help someone.
I'll fill you in
about the family business.
Fancy a walk?
Oh.
HE SIGHS
MOUTHS: Oh, my
So, your biggest
job for the race tomorrow
is to be as light as you can.
All right, I'll just saw this arm off.
Just don't eat anything for a day.
I am not going to starve
for a stupid pram race!
It's not stupid!
It's the most important event
of the year!
This'll win it for us.
Hmph!
ROOSTER CROWS
It's a death trap.
Hmm?
I've just seen a rat
pack it's bag and move out.
It's too far gone even to rent out.
And, you've been patching up
that orange heap for 50 years.
Orangerie.
FRENCH ACCENT: Orangerie.
I'm still waiting for an orange!
Oh!
Sir George
Hmm?
..who do you love most?
Apart from the wife, of course?
Oh the Queen.
Oh!
Erm no, no, erm
Our daughter.
Uh Rosemary.
And why doesn't she visit any more?
Because as soon as she arrives,
you set her to work mending something.
You see, I'd do anything
to keep my family, I really would,
and selling this to me
is how you can do that. Yeah?
I mean, our Mariette,
she's wanting to leave home,
and, I I promise,
it is breaking our hearts.
I mean, we could auction it, George,
but it would all go
in tax and commission
Exactly!
Who are you preserving it for, man?
Life's to be enjoyed. Huh?
GLASS BREAKING
Look, I ought to be
with your father. Listen
BIRDSONG
You don't hear that in your office.
No, we have Miss Randall's
gravelly humming.
SHE GIGGLES
Ah!
Right, I am very sweaty.
Well, you've got to cook a pig
before you can eat it.
Ah
Oh! Sorry,
it's an old country saying.
Got a load of those.
Most don't make sense.
My goodness! Right,
I'm still wearing your pyjamas!
God, no wonder I'm so hot!
Well, you'll have to take them off.
Now?
Good a time as any.
Oh, erm
Erm, I
You don't have to hide in a bush.
I saw it all last night.
God!
Erm
SHE GIGGLES
Oh! Nice bod.
You are nervy, though.
Yeah, you mentioned that.
SHE GIGGLES
Could I Could I just, erm
You are very beautiful!
Thanks. It's luck of the draw.
I don't just sit around
tossing my hair, though.
Do a proper job on the farm.
Erm, I'm sure.
You need all hands to the pump.
Pop's embarrassed
to say how little we make.
So, how come you're in the tax game?
Oh, well,
my parents came over from Nigeria
because they loved the British
sense of order and fair play,
and that includes paying your taxes.
Oh, yeah?
Yep.
Yeah, they actually applied
for the job for me.
I'd, ah I'd always
wanted to be a disc jockey.
Anyway, I do really
need to catch up with your father
and his tax affairs.
Oh, so, come over for dinner tonight.
And don't forget my bottom.
What?
Oh! Oh.
SHE GIGGLES
You see, Ma, everyone wins.
Sir George gets his life back,
so does his missus,
plus, she gets a bit of cash
for herself.
Shot! Oh
Oh, kisses the blue!
We earn a few bob,
plus the village gets
somewhere else to have a picnic.
There's a light lunch
in the billiard room, kids!
KIDS: Coming!
Half down in cash, no paperwork.
Hmm.
Come on, then.
MUMBLING: Oh, very good.
Hello, my little pumpkin.
What you getting?
A pie.
Don't forget to chew.
Hmm. Thank you. Mm
Where'd you get the ackers?
The what?
The bloody lettuce, cash, keep-up?
Erm
I'm, ah, not at liberty to say.
Do you want to be banned from church?
I've sold Bluff Court.
At this school,
we believe in the three Rs.
I can't say who ah, who to.
Shh, shh, shh!
Yeah I really can't say it,
actually.
It's obviously Pop Larkin.
Who else could buy your house,
you posh cretin?
PHONE RINGS
CLICK
'Mr Alec Norman. Good day to you.'
This is Norma, Alec.
'Yes, I recognise your voice.'
I have news.
Let's go, let's go! Come on.
That's it. Give me some room.
All right, Pop.
Hello, treasure.
Old Charley boy's a sweetheart,
isn't he?
Specs and all, talks nice,
shows he's solid.
You got to take this serious, Dad.
He could close us down.
No, never. Never.
Well, I've invited him
for supper tonight.
What?
You said you liked him.
But Mariette,
it's like a fox in the henhouse!
I was planning on keeping him
at a distance,
till I get the deal done.
Well, no,
we've got to talk him through
how poor and honest we are.
All right, fine,
but just tell Ma to keep supper down
to one goose, then, yeah?
Right.
Right.
Don't eat it all, Bessie, come on.
Saw that new Tom.
Oh, yeah?
He's got tongues wagging.
Hmm.
Why?
Why, what?
Why do you mention him?
Well, why wouldn't I?
PIG SNORTS
HE SIGHS
DOOR KNOCK
Yes?
Mr Charlton?
Erm, yes. Hello.
Alec Norman. Concerned taxpayer.
Oh! And what concerns you?
Word is,
you're from the Inland Revenue.
I've heard about a serious attempt
to circumvent our tax laws.
Ah, I'm sorry, I was just about
to go out for supper, actually.
It concerns Mr Larkin. Know him?
Yes, I do.
Today, he paid
several thousand pounds in cash
to secure a local mansion.
Are you sure?
He has a very large,
and if I do say them myself,
attractive, family to support.
He owns a Rolls-Royce.
He said he was looking after it
for a friend.
This may come as a shock,
but people like Larkin
don't always tell the truth.
He's a wide boy and a leech.
Well, if he is, I'll find out.
I'm taking an audit
of his financial affairs.
So, where were you today
when he was doing his shady deal?
Oh, I was, ah
DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS
I was, erm
Hello?
Sorry?
I'm told you were out
with Larkin's daughter, Mariette.
Oh, ah, well Ah, was I?
You might ask yourself
if she was there
to distract you from your purpose.
DOOR CLOSES
ROOSTER CROWS
Whee!
Bumps, hold on!
All right, Charley.
Hello! Hello!
Oh!
Oh, no.
Ahh!
CRASH
All right?
I'm all right.
Ow!
Oh, never mind you, how's the pram?
Oh, Charley boy, come in!
Mariette!
Oh, we killed a goose for you.
Yeah, only the one,
it's all we could afford.
Yeah, Primrose did it,
she loves a bit of goose strangling.
Loves it.
I'm afraid I'm not staying.
Look, I know about your purchase
of the property Bluff Court.
You paid in cash, covertly,
to avoid tax and charges.
Yeah, yeah, but Charley, look,
if Her Majesty is prepared
to put her special face on them notes,
who are we not to use them?
And, you kept me entertained
while your father concluded his deal.
Let's talk about it inside.
Yeah, you must think
I'm a complete idiot.
No. Partial, at best.
I'm returning your bottom.
Oh, no, look, wait a minute,
look, Charley
My tax investigations
are not yet concluded,
so I will see you tomorrow.
Well, this is peculiar.
What?
It's all gone a bit flat-chested
since the taxman showed up, eh?
No thanks, Montgomery.
Why's Mr Charlton picking on us?
Fair to say, we have never rushed
to pay tax.
Everyone's like you, aren't they?
Why'd he come calling on us?
Good question.
Just to warn you,
everyone isn't like Pop and Ma.
I'm disappointed in Mr Charlton.
Well, no, no, Mariette.
He's all right.
His job's got him by the neck,
is all. Eating him alive.
Yeah, but if he knew you,
he wouldn't be so snotty.
Well
I'm going for a walk.
Yeah, all right, love.
He can't treat you like this, Pop.
Anyway, moping never buttered
no parsnips, did it, eh?
Victoria, nice work
with the perambulator as well.
What are you doing?
Er, I told you not to eat.
Before the race tomorrow.
I've got to push ya.
Monty!
Ma! Put the spuds down!
Oh, no
No, no!
What are you doing?
How dare you?
Hey, hey, hey, Primrose, come on.
You two, pack it in, come on.
Kiss and make up.
No! I'm not doing his
Straw Man Race tomorrow.
I'm supposed to be the brainy
Larkin, and I'll look fatuous!
You won't!
Look what?
Hmm!
Well, you have to do it.
I asked everyone else.
Hmm, so good!
I'll do it.
You can't, Victoria.
Babies have to be 15 and up.
Montgomery,
I'll go in your pram for you.
All right?
I'm as light as a feather.
And look, I can pass for a girl.
Hello.
LAUGHTER
Come on, it'll be all right.
Come on, tuck in.
LAUGHTER I'm gonna spill it!
Course I'll win again.
Won't we, baby doll?
Eh, Pauline?!
THEY LAUGH
I need to get a new boyfriend.
Not pushing a pram tomorrow, Alec?
No. I value my dignity.
Except I heard the Larkins showed
you up at the May Day Fair.
I don't know what you mean.
Montgomery Larkin did a painting,
you thought it was a Turner,
and paid a fortune for it.
I take no pleasure
HE GIGGLES
..reminding you.
SHE GIGGLES
Talk of the Devil's sister.
Evening, then, lads.
Hi.
Er Could I take you out dancing?
Thanks, Dudley.
You've been asking me since
we were eight. It's still a no.
Pauline.
Mariette.
Have you seen Mr Charlton?
Reckon he's in his room.
He don't seem too happy.
He's a taxman, in't he?
Where's the joy in that?
He and I had a good chat.
He's got it in for your father,
hasn't he?
Looks like your family's in trouble.
What do you think you're doing?!
Me?
Well, apart from anything,
you've been blabbing my pop's
business around to everyone.
Alec Norman is down there gloating.
Well, no, he told me,
not the other way around.
It's you who's playing me for a fool.
No, I was just protecting Dad.
Well, maybe you shouldn't.
He and Ma are good people.
And you ruined supper tonight.
Nobody could manage seconds.
Except Primrose and Montgomery.
And Ma and the twins.
Well, you all eat and drink
like lunatics,
so a night off might do you some good.
If we enjoy food and drink,
and generally spending,
especially Pop,
it's because he doesn't hoard money,
he enjoys sharing it around.
Well, no, no, he doesn't share it!
Where do you think the family
allowances, pensions,
and sick pay come from?
From taxes paid by people
other than your pop!
Argh!
Nice evening for it.
What in God's name are you doing?
Oh, this? It's running.
Why?
Erm It's healthy.
Meditative. Beautiful.
Ah Yes, it is.
You seem twitchy.
Let me run you home.
No, I don't run.
Unless I'm escaping from a bull.
I meant in my car.
Oh Er, thanks.
I need the fresh air,
to clear my head.
I could put you on my shoulders.
I'd actually love to do that.
I bet you would.
Good night.
Precious cargo like you,
I'm really unlikely to drop you.
I feel a bit funny.
Hmm. Go on, then.
Hmm? No.
The other funny. Here, in my belly.
Oh, me, too.
Might be indigestion.
You hear about that, don't you?
I've never had it in my life, Ma,
and I'm not starting now.
No.
Old Charlie.
He's got a point.
I don't like the way
he was looking at me.
Oh, we do our bit.
We can hold our heads up.
I'll take your mind off it.
Blimey, that's a first!
The whippet's usually
straight out the trap.
Yeah, well, he's curled up
and going nowhere.
COCKEREL CROWS
Ignore him.
All right there, sir?
Oh, yes, thank you.
Have you enjoyed your stay?
Erm If I'm honest, no.
Oh, I bet you wish
you'd only paid half price, then?
No, I don't.
Not if it meant benefiting
from Mr Larkin's discount.
On second thoughts,
you can't have the toast.
Good morning, Mr Charlton.
Brigadier Chand.
Edith Pilchester. Miss.
We'd like some tax advice.
We pay none,
and you seem to be on the warpath.
Ah, I was actually
just about to leave.
But perhaps you'd like
to write to me at, erm
HE SIGHS
Shall we find a tree to sit under?
Girls, go and cheer Pop up.
BOTH: We'll get our recorders!
THEY GIGGLE
You're not local, Mr Charlton?
No, no, I live in Catford.
Do you know it?
No, but it sounds charming.
Delightful.
We find it very lovely here.
Yes, it is.
In so many ways.
Well, out in the British Army
in India,
I said to my sister, "We should
retire to an English village."
I've never regretted it.
She has, though.
Oh, she hates it.
Finds it absolutely ghastly.
Ooh, so, you're here to see
our wonderful Mr Larkin.
Yes, well, I
I don't share your admiration.
You don't know him.
Saved my bacon on a number
of occasions.
And mine. Exceedingly generous.
And a picture of physical
perfection, of course.
I'm on a small pension.
And Edith survives
on very limited investments.
Yes, you seem to be living on
A pound a week.
That much?
I'm sure Catford is a lap of luxury,
but many of us in the countryside
live on the breadline.
But what if you have a big expense?
Mr Larkin often kindly pays.
Also for village gymkhanas.
Barn dances.
The Cheese Hoedown.
Sheep Week. Archery in the village
hall, until the accident.
Pop always puts his hand
in his pocket.
Yes
My sister and some others resent him
cos nobody likes to be beholden.
But he never takes advantage.
WHEELBARROW PASSES
Do stay for the Straw Man Race.
Mr Larkin pays for the beer.
HE CHUCKLES
What's this, the gathering
of the poor and needy?
I trust you nailed our man, Charlton?
Your boss will want your neck,
won't he?
Then you'll all be on skid row.
ENGINE ROARS, TYRES SCREECH
Perhaps I will stay.
THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY
There she blows.
Oh, that's orchestra quality,
that, isn't it?
There's no stopping you two.
Oh, you're dancing as well. Lovely.
THEY CONTINUE PLAYING
Wow
I, er I owe you an apology.
Oh, don't be so daft.
But go on.
Well, you still have sizeable arrears.
You're not wrong.
Cheeky!
And you may have to sell all
or part of the farm.
But I think I understand now
how you work. How's that?
You clearly give away more off
your own back
than you'd ever have to pay in tax.
But who's counted?
So, the good news is
that you can actually offset
your charitable donations
and reduce your year-on-year
liabilities
whilst compartmentalising
your emoluments.
And I can help you with that.
Ooh Your Alec Norman
obviously does not like you.
And I'm pretty sure he's told
my boss to give you a hard time.
So you can call the dogs off now?
No.
I still have to investigate
any irregularities.
I'm sorry, it's my job.
Then get a better job.
I have thought
Hello!
Hello, Aunt Fan.
Montgomery!
Your new baby's arrived.
Sorry for lateness.
I couldn't find my nappy.
Right, then. Go on, off you go.
Montgomery, remember,
you're drinking squash, not beer.
And watch out for that vicar,
he's a cheater.
And I don't mean that
speedy leopard thing.
Come on, kids.
Come and show Aunt Fan the pram.
Aw, that's good.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Also good.
Better and better.
SHE SIGHS
But that won't do.
This isn't you,
moping around the shop.
You reckon?
Nah.
Are you gonna rouse yourself
and save our farm,
or carry on sitting there
like a narky old goat?
And welcome
to this year's Straw Man Race.
I'm Johnny Delamere.
APPLAUSE Too kind.
Oi, Vicar. The minimum baby age
is 15. You're cheating.
Shut your face.
And never has the phrase
"beautiful baby" been so apt.
Except in one or two cases.
What did he say?
The straw reminds me
of when I played the Scarecrow
in Wizard at Woking Rec.
The Tin Man lit a fag in the wings
and set fire to me.
Onto the stage I went,
smouldering and burning,
until Toto, bless him, cocked
his leg on me, and all was well.
Well, I hope that doesn't happen
again today.
Lost your nervy fella, Mariette.
Looks like it.
And so, to recap the rules,
every straw man must visit
each of the village's seven pubs,
and imbibe half a pint of ale.
Hello, Miss Pilchester.
Is Mr Larkin here?
He never misses a do.
No, he's got a lot on.
On your marks, get set,
gooooooooo
Now!
CHEERING AND SHOUTING
WHOA!
Ha! We've had an early faller!
Ah, hello, Alec.
I'm in a spot of bother. Wondered
if I could have a little chinwag.
Oh, Lord, God of vengeance,
shine forth!
All right, calm down!
Ah!
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN
Yee-ha!
There we go.
Come on, come on!
Well done. On your way.
Honest truth,
you've got me bang to rights.
And who can blame you for ratting
on me to the Inland Revenue?
It's all you deserve, frankly.
Over the years, you've treated me
with an utter lack of respect.
If you say so.
And credit where it's due, you've
got an old mucker in the tax office,
and you've sat on him
to do what you want to do.
I wouldn't say sat on, but anyway,
good luck finding all that back tax.
But, Alec, you see,
you're in business, like myself.
But you blew the whistle on me,
so you must be squeaky, right?
Squeaky?
Yeah, squeaky clean.
Yes, I am.
And paid the tax on everything
that you should have?
Like, for instance,
your housekeeper Janet?
I mean, you've paid her
employment stamp, yeah? Well
And you didn't fiddle the purchase tax
on that lovely red lady runaround
you've got?
It's a high-performance sports car.
Or forget to declare the rental
on your dead mum-in-law's house
in Ramsgate?
Or other bits of cash you've got
coming in from this and that?
Well, you'll never know, will you?
Because you don't have access
to my financial affairs.
Or do I?
Or do I?!
OR DO I?!
Yes.
Mr Alec Norman,
by the powers invested in me
by Her Majesty's Revenue,
I shall look
into your bank statements,
and other papers, and what not,
and we shall We will see.
Don't be ridiculous.
All right,
I will mention to your boss,
with whom, yes, I happen to have
been at school with,
that I may have been hasty
in suggesting that
Let me stop you there.
Listen, it was only a bit of fun.
Let me stop you there.
Because there's more important
things than talking to you.
E-E-Exactly.
VOMITING
SMASH
I hope Montgomery
isn't too disappointed.
CHEERING
You cheating swine!
And here they come,
they've had a bit of a skinful,
so won't be making much sense.
You did it, Monty! You do care
about your little brother after all.
No, I don't.
How's my girls? You all right?
Dad, where's Charlie?
Oh, no, look out!
Huh?
Oh, sorry, sorry.
VICAR'S WHEEL RATTLES
Oh, no, no! Bugger!
It's so English, I could cry.
Go on, Monty!
Go on, go on!
CHEERING
And we have the winner!
Nice young chap,
pushing one of the older babies.
We did it!
Well done!
Fantastic.
HE GROANS
Argh!
Are you hurt?
Oh, no.
HE WINCES No.
I'll just deal
with this broken leg later (!)
Mariette, I am so sorry.
I have brought nothing but
disruption to you and your family.
We haven't made your life easy either.
Don't rush past town,
if you fancy staying with us
for a while?
Yeah.
Yeah, I would love to.
Er
CLAPPING
Well done, you Larkins.
Oh, ta. Well, with legs like yours,
you'll win it next year.
Maybe with you in my pram?
Oh, sorry. Charlie, Tom.
Tom, Charlie.
Oh, hi.
Nice suit.
Oh, thank you.
Actually, I meant him over there.
Oh, right
Heh, I
I sense you're not very good
at small talk?
No, no, I'm good at everything.
Right
It's all a bit well-behaved this
year, in't it? Hmm.
HE GULPS
Let me find an atheist to be sick on.
HE VOMITS
It's not pretty, but it is tradition.
Turned out all right today, then, Ma.
I'd say so.
Mr Charlton's joining us at home.
Is he? Primrose!
I need you to strangle another goose.
You should be proud, Primrose.
In the classical heritage,
killing what you eat is often
seen as the rarest of compliments.
He's a smart one.
Is it me, Charlie,
or are you looking a bit less nervy?
Someone with your nous would be
quite an asset round these parts.
Larkin.
Eh?
We need a word.
Right, what you got?
I'm afraid we've decided
not to sell our house to you.
Your down payment.
It's all there.
So, what's all this about, then?
We've had a better offer.
Who from?
Tom Fisher.
Rather than knock it down,
he's turning it into a lovely hotel.
Right, then. Who's starving?