The Last Leg Goes Down (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 G'day! I'm Adam Hills.
With Josh Widdicombe and Alex Brooker, we are The Last Leg.
and some scenes which viewers may find distressing Oh! Don't start doing that to me.
'For the last four years, 'we have taken the piss out of anyone who has deserved it.
' I think we can all agree, Rupert Murdoch is a massive fuck-knuckle.
'And along the way, these two have ripped the piss out of me, 'and my home country of Australia.
' They recently released DAHTA about a I'm sorry, if you are going to come over here, you're calling it DAYTA, mate.
Now I am going to get my own back.
I have invited them to accompany me on a trip down under to meet someone special, my 97-year-old Aussie grandpa in Sydney.
Go! But what they don't know is that this is going to be a 3,000 mile white-knuckle ride involving the worst the Aussie outback has to throw at them.
Oh, my God! Argh! Holy shit! Ah! Oh! None of this is good! To help give the boys an experience they will never forget, I have enlisted the skills of the ultimate adventure travel agent, Amar Latif a man who has spent a decade helping disabled people experience things others wouldn't dare.
Together, we have created the toughest 3,000-mile road trip imaginable.
So far, we have got up close and personal with man-eating crocs - Oh, hello! - Is this happening? bashed heads with hard-as-nails biker gangs Where were you, son? and I flew over Uluru on a plane while yelling Uluru into a bag.
But Oz's outback is pushing these English flowers to the limit and we are only halfway through our epic journey.
With more antipodean agony in store, will they make it to Sydney, or will they be broken by the real Australia? Go on, then, Alex.
All right, Adam's grandad, we are halfway to you.
I'm sure you are all right, but your country is absolutely ridiculous.
It's hot, it's full of flies, Josh had to touch a crocodile Didn't want to touch a crocodile.
Didn't even want to touch a crocodile, your grandson touched one too much.
Pa, please have a beer ready when we get there cos I'm really going to need one.
These fucking flies, it's ridiculous! What's wrong with this place? It has been an education, exposing the boys to the wilds of the outback, but they are still softer than a baby wombat's arse.
This is fucking dangerous, some of the stuff we are doing here.
All right, Bear Grylls! Well, that's the thing, Josh, I'm not Bear Grylls.
You don't say! Why didn't Channel 4 send HIM out here? 1,300 miles and eight days into our marathon road trip, we are now heading into South Australia and entering the remote mining town of Coober Pedy, which is the aboriginal term for "white man's hole".
Beneath this weird lunar landscape are riches beyond belief.
Opals.
But the heady mix of open mineshafts and high explosives makes this one of the most treacherous places in Oz.
I've seen a lot of safety signs in my time, but never of a man falling down an open mineshaft.
Is there any chance of us doing something that is not dangerous? I reckon this is the perfect spot to test Alex and Josh's staying power.
You know you're in for a good day when you turn up to a truck with "explosives" written on the top of it.
How is this not going to be fun? - Welcome to the mine, my boy.
- Pleasure to be here.
- Yes.
- Thank you for having us.
- Pleasure to have you, too, man.
'Our trusty tour guide Amar has arranged for Greek miner 'George Aslamatis to take us deep underground' - Here is one for you.
- I have got a big head.
'.
.
Along with his Ukrainian bomb-making mate 'and fellow pensioner Ivan.
' - We are going to put six bombs - Bombs?! - Yes.
What is that going in now? That's That is mixed with diesel.
- He is properly just making bombs.
- Yeah, we are making bombs.
But we are not, we are stood away like three pussies while we watch people make bombs.
He isn't even really measuring that out.
He's like the Jamie Oliver of the explosive world.
Jamie Oliver's 15-Minute Bombs.
They put it in and then it goes bang! Oh, God.
I mean, if one goes up, you maybe lose a couple of fingers, but No big deal.
If you lost one finger, you have still got nine.
That's all right, then.
Armed with our home-made high explosives and the certainty MI5 will be searching our e-mails, it is time to head into the mine.
God, this is a bit steep, isn't it? 'It does have a ramp, just not a particularly accessible one.
' Do you get bats in here? Erm, you get kangaroos.
Ivan is ready to drill the holes.
When you're just tunnelling into these rocks, what is keeping it from collapsing? You have to don't open too much big tunnel.
- If you open too much, it can collapse.
- Correct.
Sometimes we make mistakes.
- Sweet Jesus.
- Look at the size of that.
While the boys watch on, I do my impersonation of the world's tiniest dentist.
You are very strong, man.
You are.
As Ivan brings the bombs, Alex is preparing an explosive of his own.
Is it a worry that I need a poo at the moment? - Will it make me shit myself? - Go, then.
- I can't go up here.
- Go in there.
- I'm not shitting in the tunnel! - Why? - Cos I've got no paper.
- Erm, get - I'm not pooing in a tunnel, I can't poo in a cave.
- You want paper? No, it's OK, mate.
The paper's not the problem, really.
Is there the chance that suddenly we are all going to be o1 million richer? - A million to one, but it can happen.
- Yeah.
If we left here with Ð8 million worth of opal, would you bother with the next series of The Last Leg? I wouldn't bother with this afternoon.
In a few moments we could be minted.
Or, alternatively, we might be buried under 200 tonnes of rock.
BANG! Oh, that's better than being a millionaire.
Let's just destroy the place.
Here, here.
- Oh, wow! - For you, man.
- Oh, thank you.
- Look at that.
So, what is that worth? Nothing.
Sorry, boys, you don't become millionaires today, but before you came in I said if we get something, what to do? And they both say, "Give it to the boys.
" Wow, it's easier to say that now.
People do strike it rich in Coober Pedy, but just not us, so to make up for our opal disappointment, George is hosting a get-together Grab your drink.
Welcome to Coober Pedy.
where custom demands that the three of us partake of a traditional Greek tipple.
- What is this? - Tsipouro.
- Yamas.
- Yamas.
- Yamas.
- Stay strong! - Oh! - You want another one? - No.
- You know what? Give me five minutes.
Ah! - It's nice when it hits you.
- No, it's not.
When you have a chest infection, it's beautiful.
I think I've got a chest infection now.
'George certainly knows how to throw a party, 'although he is less competent when it comes to interior design.
' So, here is the fridge.
Nicely close to the wall.
- Yeah, nice built-in fridge.
- Nice built-in fridge.
- Yeah.
- We then walk through here - Yeah.
to a room with the back of a fridge in it.
- Isn't that amazing? - Why wouldn't you? The next day, while we are all nursing a tsipouro hangover the size of Crete, George is busy giving the Dickmobile its second paint job of the trip.
- It looks all right.
- Looks brilliant.
- Looks great, yeah.
Thank you very much.
'George's message refers to the Elgin Marbles - - 'ancient Greek sculptures currently on display in the British Museum.
' - Return the marbles to Greeks because they belong to the Greeks and the English have them.
The English people are lovely people, maybe needs a little sparkle to get a big fire.
He may not be Banksy, but the spark has been lit.
And with the paint barely dry, it is time for the Dickmobile and us to get moving and chew up some more tarmac.
- Adieu, boys.
- Cheers, George! Have a good trip.
There is only a week left until my grandad's party and we have still got over 1,000 miles to cover before we reach Sydney.
And along the way, my good cop/bad cop routine fails to impress.
I have never felt more of a man.
You look like one of the Village People.
We're now 1,500 miles and ten days into the Australian road trip of Alex and Josh's nightmares.
With temperatures reaching over 40 degrees in the van, out here, even a nap can kill you.
With the boys on the brink of giving tour operator Amar a bad review on TripAdvisor, he calls in from the comfort of his tour bus.
- Hello, is that Adam? - Yes, it is.
How are you going? - I'm going good.
How are you guys? We're very good.
Thank you for a patchy journey.
- A patchy journey? What do you mean? We mean, some of it's been good, but most of it's been quite negative.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Where are you now? We're on South Australia.
We're approaching Woomera.
Also, the weather is getting warmer throughout the day.
Yeah, but it sounds like you're still getting from A to B all right.
We are currently somewhere between A and B, but they are a lot further apart than we thought at the start of the holiday.
Try and enjoy it a bit more.
- Cheers for the tip(!) - Thanks a lot, mate.
From South Australia, we've finally had to use the indicator to turn left and are heading east, into my home state of New South Wales, towards the remote town of Silverton where it looks like we've hit peak-hour traffic.
It might not be a teeming metropolis, but it is on this hallowed turf that Mel Gibson shot the cult movie, Mad Max 2 - a true classic of Aussie cinema.
We're here to visit the museum dedicated to it.
Yep, only in Australia would there be a museum dedicated to a movie sequel, but it's a must-see for me and, hopefully, a cultural education for the boys.
- I'm going to be honest with you, fellas, - I've not see Mad Max or 2.
- You've seen the most recent one, right? - Yeah, it was a heap of shit.
- What?! - Oh, it was terrible, mate.
- I almost turned it off.
- Look - All right - No, no, we are not even You have said some offensive things on this trip.
- Mate! - But you are telling me that the most recent film of Mad Max is a piece of shit? - Mate, it was SO fucking boring.
- I'm so tempted to punch you right now.
- Hello! - Come in! - How are you? - Pleasure.
Adrian.
- Adrian.
Not the accent - I was expecting! - Hello, mate.
Alex.
How are you? - Hello, Adrian.
- Nice to meet you.
Josh.
- Josh.
Nice to meet you, Josh.
- Where are you from? - Originally from Bradford in Yorkshire in England.
- How did you end up here? - I went to see the film when I was 18.
And that was it.
Hooked.
I never thought I'd end up here.
Certainly not 25-30 years on.
- So, did you move out here because of Mad Max? - Yeah.
Adrian and his wife Linda have amassed the biggest collection of Mad Max 2 memorabilia in the world.
In fact, they may have ALL the memorabilia.
Sorry, this is actually I was about to say, Mel Gibson's let himself go! This is actually Mel's stunt double from Mad Max 2.
- Oh, seriously?! - Yes.
- Oh! So awkward! Genuinely, the best moment of the trip! 'After being knighted by Denis, it's time to fulfil 'a lifelong dream and get up close and personal' Ha-ha-ha! 'with the Valiant Charger that was driven in the film.
' Ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at his face! - I've never felt more of a man.
- You look like one of the Village People.
I can't hear you, Alex! I can't hear you over the car! 'Sadly, the boys don't seem impressed by this piece 'of cinematic history.
'They're more interested in the British nick-knacks - 'in the kitchen next door.
' - This feels like an English kitchen.
The Top Gear mug.
"World's Greatest Farter".
Mel Gibson's career must be rolling in its grave.
Pudsey! Oh, lovely! Do you feel like it is a bit of Britain in Australia? Yeah, it has to be, doesn't it? It's who you are.
You have got off-road parking, then? How did he convince you to come out here? I think there were a lot of false promises, like a swimming pool, a double garage - Mel Gibson.
- Yeah, Mel Gibson.
But it was just harder for me.
- Do you miss the UK? - Yeah.
- So do I and I've been here two weeks! - What do your friends and family think of it, when you said, "Look, we're going to come out to Australia"? They just gave us 100% backing, which I could kick their head in for.
'All right, enough of this English love-in.
'This is about Mad Max 2 and Adrian has some vehicles 'that he thinks might be better suited to our needs.
' Oh! This is the best thing ever! 'Mobility scooters, given the full 'road warrior treatment.
' Woo-hoo! 'You are taking the piss, 'Adrian, but I like it!' I'm off! What about if you three were to have a race down the road, down to the hotel? - Yes! - Ha-ha-ha! What's happened to your voice in the last? You're just making noises now! Just Australian noises! That Australian noise he always talks about The nyeeeee! Can I wee before we do this? Are you, literally, trying to lose weight.
- You are so competitive! - That is so You are SO competitive! - Is there an outback toilet? - Unbelievable.
- If I win, you have got to give me your leg.
- Deal.
On your marks get set go! I I just took a ride In a silver machine I literally can't go any faster on this.
Oh, this is just appalling.
I ride a silver machine I've got a silver machine I've got a silver machine I've got a silver machine Give me that fucking leg! 'Us Aussies are generally gracious in defeat, 'but my scooter was definitely knobbled.
' It's now just four days until I hook up with my grandpa in Sydney.
But there's 700 miles to go and the only thing helping pass the time is some questionable in-car karaoke.
Back up, back up cos it's on NATE and me, the Warren to the G Just like I thought, they were in the same spot In need of some desperate help.
And if a double-decker bus Kills the both of us To die by your side Is such a heavenly way to die You know the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone Yeah, the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone Well, the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone Just get on the plane! It's really got me It's fair to say we are starting to get on each other's nerves.
I need a break from the lads.
'So, it's time to hop on the blower and update Grandpa on progress.
' - Hello.
- Good day, Pa.
It's Adam.
- How are you? - I'm all right.
- How are you going? - I'm going all right.
I just watched three kangaroos having a fight.
Oh, my goodness, Pa.
I have so many stories to tell you, travelling around Australia with these two English boys.
How are they going? - I'm covered.
- It's getting flyier.
- It is getting pretty fly wild! Alex is sick of the flies, Josh is travelling round with two suitcases, one of which has his pillow and his books, so he can do some reading.
I can't articulate how much the Australians don't let on about their flies, until you get here.
- Absolutely not.
You never hear - You never see flies on Ramsay Street.
- No.
I'm looking forward to introducing them to you, cos I want them to meet a real Australian.
- Oh, God! All right, Pa.
Listen, I'd better go.
- I'm right in the middle of nowhere.
- All right, then.
- Love you! - Love you, too.
- Bye.
'Throughout this epic road trip, I've been trying to turn 'Josh and Alex into something resembling real men.
'So, it's also fair that we explore our feminine sides.
'We're heading to Broken Hill famous for being a hard-as-nails mining town full of even harder Aussie blokes.
'We've been manning up for long enough.
Now, it's time to woman up.
'You see, Broken Hill starred in the cult movie, Queen of the Desert, in which three drag queens ran riot through the middle of town.
'Amar's promised us a surprise 'and asked us to meet him here, in this unassuming suburban house.
' Anything Amar organises, I go in with a huge state of peril.
- Oh, I'm seeing glitter.
- Are you? - I'm seeing something shining inside.
Oh, hello! 'Strap yourselves in, people.
These local lads are about to help us 'become gorgeous girls.
' Amar, this is the most at home I have seen you since we have been in Australia.
- It's the way I rock, with my girls.
Or, my bitches! - Do you have drag names? - Erm I am Sister George.
- I am Ophelia Balls.
- Oh, yes! - Lovely stuff! - Worth the journey to Australia just for that.
- I'm Ethel Merkin.
- And I'm Summer Clearance.
- Were there drag shows going on in Broken Hill before Priscilla? - Never drag, per se.
Broken Hill's mentality has changed so much in the last 20 years.
Priscilla started it.
- Right.
- There are still edges.
Every place has edges.
But it's a different scenario.
We will go out in drag now.
We will finish a show and the idea is, you kind of take it all off and go home.
We're like, "Club!" 'But Alex and Josh suddenly seem a little coy.
' - You two are opting out then? - I think that it's best just for Adam.
He deserves it.
We will be moral support for Adam.
Once again, it's up to me to show some balls, 'whilst tucking them away at the same time.
' - Something skimpy? - Yep.
- Something skimpy? This one here.
- There we go! - That's the one! - What colour is this? - Blue.
Oh, this is lovely.
Fits like a glove.
- I like it.
- Let's do it.
You know how I said, "Suck and tuck"? Oh, is that for? - Yee! - Oh! - Have you ever done mangina? - Eh, oh, yeah, you can't go wrong with a mangina.
- Holy shit.
What did I tell you about shaving it.
How many times? - Become a modern man! - Wrap it around underneath.
You position everything and then tape it.
- Oh, wow! - That is what we want! - I am genuinely worried.
If you didn't have the beard, I think you'd be a really hot woman.
- Do you think? - Yeah, I think you would.
Things have really changed from when we went on that camping trip! As far as I'm concerned, the motto for this journey has always stayed the same - "Harden the fuck up!" 'It's not often you get to do a Priscilla pub crawl 'through a rough-as-guts mining town, 'but dressing up as a woman is going to test my manhood to its Mad Max.
' - I'm getting into it.
- Yes! Oh, hey, ladies! After travelling 2,000 miles through the Australian wilderness in a knackered campervan, we've reached rock-hard mining town Broken Hill.
In homage to Priscilla Queen Of The Desert, I now find myself accepting make-up tips from some girls with suspiciously hairy arms.
Never, ever take your hair off in public.
Not to be done, dear.
- Really? - Unless someone rips it off.
Keep your hair on, don't lose your hair.
'Joining me on the Broken Hill drag circuit 'is my adventurous tour guide.
' - Who do we have here? - Oh, I'm Amara.
- Amara? - Yes.
- 'It's the one time I wish - I was blind.
'Meanwhile, Josh and Alex 'have retired to their room for their own safety.
' Big news.
I've got the Barrier Daily Truth, the local newspaper.
I alert you to page two.
Outback experience for Brits.
- Some familiar faces.
- Shall I read you the news story? - Yes, please.
"The show aims to celebrate the best of Britain, but the stars "of BBC comedy The Last Leg" ".
.
are now seeing what the outback has to offer.
"Asked what they thought of the outback so far, "the Brits didn't hold back.
" 'We're meant to see the real Australia, " 'which is bloody horrible, ' Widdecombe quipped" - Ooh.
- ".
.
In typical Last Leg manner, "which delights in taking the mickey.
" 'It's full of flies.
I can see why nobody lives here, ' Brooker added.
" That's the Barrier Daily Truth, that'll be going in my scrapbook.
- Do you know the best thing about it all? - Go on.
Pretty sure there was a third person that was missing from that photo.
Never been as scared on this trip as I am watching you walking downstairs in high heels, Amar.
I mean Amara, Amara, Amara, Amara.
Fine.
'Accompanied by my new cross-dressing pals, 'it's time to paint the town red.
' OK, let's walk, girls.
- I'm getting into it.
- Yeah.
- I'm getting into it.
Doing the main drag in drag, girls.
'Our destination is karaoke night at the Southern Cross Hotel' Come on, ladies, let's rock this bar! '.
.
A venue most definitely not on the drag circuit.
' Hey, ladies! The party's started! 'Not all the locals seem impressed, but a few are bending our way.
'Work it, sister!' 'Late arrivals Josh and Alex 'also appear strangely fascinated by the cocks in frocks.
' You are Adam, aren't you? I haven't come up to the wrong person? I'm Eileen.
Eileen Dover now.
I'm now about 40% worried that I'm going to wake up next to you.
And yet 60% intrigued.
- Wow, you've really gone all in! - I know! 'There's one sure fire way to win over any crowd.
' I'd like you all to sing and dance with me, please.
'Summon your inner Kylie.
' Everybody's doing a brand-new dance now - Come on, baby, do the - Come on! 'Works every time.
' I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance, now Come on, baby, do the locomotion 'I may not have Kylie's bum, 'but then again, she doesn't have my bum notes.
' .
.
ABCs Come on, come on Do the locomotion Everybody! Come on, come on Do the locomotion with me.
Well, that was an amazing night that has now become an extraordinary morning.
As we leave Broken Hill, there's one final thing I have to do before I untuck my manhood.
I am Adam Hills - Queen of the Desert! La Traviata Was being a drag act how you imagined? I don't know.
It felt quite liberating to just kick your heels off, have a bit of a dance with the girls.
And not It felt liberating not having to be a bloke.
- Yeah.
- And not worrying about what people thought of you as a man.
It's a bit like the opposite of the rest of the trip.
I think we need to talk about Amar - Yeah.
- .
.
dressing up, as well.
Those hairy arms! The hairiest shoulders in the business.
Yeah.
I mean, he would have been better off just shaving a line round his wrist and telling people it was a cardigan.
He looked like Teen Wolf.
With just three days to go until my grandpa's party in Sydney, we're having to put our artificial feet down - we've still got over 300 miles to cover.
We're entering lush farming country and leaving the barren outback behind.
Our next destination - a little town called Bigga.
It's fair to say that, throughout this trip, vegetarian Josh has found the menus in Australia's outback eateries something of a challenge.
Toasted sandwiches, no veggies.
Burgers - six different options, no veggie.
Seven main meals, no veggie.
Three chargrilled steaks - I'm presuming none of them are veggie.
Kids' meals - three meals to get people into meat early doors.
- So, what are your options outside of those? - I've got two options - small or large chips.
Um Or I could get wedges, which are just big chips.
So basically, I can have as much potato as I want for dinner.
If Josh doesn't want to EAT an animal, our next adventure might be a little hard to swallow.
Because Amar has decided to send us on a feral pig hunt.
And there's barely a potato in sight.
Pigs were first introduced into Australia by white settlers, but a handful of docile farm porkers have become 20 million feral monsters that are wreaking havoc with the natural habitat.
In order to reduce their numbers, in New South Wales it's legal to hunt the pigs, using dogs to track them.
Not sure what to think of it, mate.
Obviously, I eat a lot of pig meat - bacon and whatnot - but there's a difference between that and going out and killing one myself.
How are you feeling about it? - Not good, really.
- Nah.
Oh, God, wow.
There is a camp.
Oh, God.
You know, I don't know if I want to witness someone I'm not having a go at them for doing it - - I understand they're a pest, but I just feel like this is not something I can handle, really.
And I'm not going to man I'm not going to harden the fuck up.
Oh, God, if someone tells me to harden the fuck up one more time I'm going to scream.
The plan is to accompany experienced hunters Mullian and Christie on a night hunt.
- I'm Alex.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Josh.
How's it going? How you going? So, what's on here, then? We got your baked spud, baked pumpkin, and a goat that Chris shot today.
I'm I'm going to I'm I'm a vegetarian, so I'll I'll stick to the baked spud.
And No, we got some vegetarian stuff here.
- Oh, have you? Oh, thank you, you're the best.
- Some fake meat.
You knew I was coming! For Alex and me, there's a bit of bush tucker.
- Beautiful roo tail.
- Hang on, hang on.
Alex.
You said you wanted to eat kangaroo.
This is actually a kangaroo tail.
I won't I won't feed you nothing that I won't eat - trust me.
So So this is the roo tail.
It's all sticky.
Chicken, crocs on that, too.
Bit of a Bit of a fatty bit, that one.
The pre-hunt barbecue proves to be the final straw for Josh.
I've been thinking about this a lot this evening.
- Yeah? - I I totally respect what you're doing - I haven't got a problem with it - but I don't think I can do the hunt.
I hope you're OK with that.
- Yeah.
- I've really enjoyed spending my evening with you, you've been great and it's been really fascinating.
- Yeah, totally.
- I hope you understand that I find it difficult.
I mean, when I watched Watership Down, I couldn't sleep for a month.
Let me just give an example of how affected Josh may have been by it.
- Bright eyes - No, don't! With Josh choosing love, not boar, Alex and I head out into the night in search of wild pig.
So, where do the pigs kind of like Where do they hang out? What are they doing at night? Are they just chilling out, do they find shelter? No, generally at night they'll be feeding - from now till just before sunrise.
After hours of searching, the pigs are still proving elusive.
- How you going, Alex? - Yeah, good, thank you, mate.
- Seen some bloody good roos there, eh? - Yeah.
No pigs, though.
It's so cold.
I can't moan about it, cos I've spent the last two weeks bitching about it being hot.
This isn't hunting gear, is it? Look at me! I've got a long-sleeve T-shirt and a polka-dot T-shirt on top of it.
They're not polka-dots, they're flowers.
They're clearly flowers.
They are flowers! - It's just getting worse.
- I don't know what to say - they are flowers.
As temperatures drop close to freezing, Alex decides to call it a night and head back to his B&B.
And although I'm a little uneasy about what we're doing, I'm refusing to be beat.
I've never been more Australian in my life.
Josh and Alex have gone back, er to the accommodation for the night, and I have decided to sleep out here and hope that when we wake up we can actually go find a pig.
It's ridiculous.
It's like a cross between The Blair Witch Project Pig In The City.
After two weeks and almost 3,000 miles travelling across Australia, me, Josh and Alex find ourselves facing the grisly prospect of a wild pig hunt.
However, the boys have proved they've no stomach or stamina for the chase, leaving me to camp through the night to bring home the bacon.
At first light, it's possible to see the devastation these animals have caused.
Time to step up.
'The dogs pick up the scent' Get him out! Get him out! '.
.
And the chase is on.
' 'I am not prepared for this morning jog, 'or for what I'm about to see.
' We've got a pig.
That was pretty full-on.
Uh I get that they're pests, I get that they were introduced to the environment and they're making a mess of it and I guess for the sake of the countryside and for the the farmers and everything, I guess you've got to do it.
You've got to kill a pig, but that's still kind of disturbing.
Round and up you come.
'This is the grimmest piggyback I've ever given.
'In my quest to take the boys to the limit, 'I think I might have actually pushed myself too far.
' Back at the B&B, only Alex can bear to hear the gruesome details.
Mate, I was in the car last night and I was like, "This is so cold.
" I'm having trouble finding sympathy for you, because the back of my head is covered in pig's blood.
- Aww! Oh, my God, that's absolutely minging.
You look like something off of Casualty.
That's absolutely ridiculous.
Do you know what? I'm glad Josh didn't go.
Like, it was really disturbing, you know? Mate What do you reckon your grandad's going to make of it all? At the outset, this journey was about me turning the tables on Josh and Alex.
But now there's something hanging in the air between us - and I don't mean Alex's breakfast.
Just one day and a mere 65 miles away from Sydney, Amar has arranged a detour deep into the awe-inspiring Blue Mountains.
This mountain range forms a natural barrier between the bush and suburban Sydney that lies beyond.
To help clear the air, Amar has arranged a traditional ceremony to cleanse us of any bad energy with Aboriginal elder Chris Tobin.
In the Darug mobs in Sydney if the men were holding gum leaves, that was a sign of peace.
- Oh, right.
- Before I do a ceremony, I'll float a gum leaf around, just so the ancestors know what we're doing.
- Yep.
'We're trekking up to the rocky summit of Hat Hill, '"hill" being Australian for "extremely steep mountain".
' How are you going, Brooker? This is an effort.
'Once conquered, the views don't disappoint.
' Whoa! That is brilliant.
Wow! As you're going to be travelling off to see Adam's grandfather and you've probably had a lot of journeys and dramas and adventures along the way, we don't want to carry all that to Adam's beautiful grandfather, so we're going to do a smoking for you, let all that go and you can arrive into the beautiful Darug country all rested and at peace.
- Brilliant.
- Cool.
So when these go on, we're going to get a lot of smoke.
Then, pretty much, you're invited to walk through it.
I promised my cousin I'd sing while you did it, though.
Oh, wow! 'This is a smoking break that's actually good for body and soul.
'Although Alex might tell you otherwise.
' - Fellas, I've got a gift for you too.
- Oh, thank you! - Don't get too excited.
It's just a piece of string.
- Oh, OK.
But one strand - it snaps, but when we're together, we're strong.
Thank you, that really means a lot.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
'The traditional ceremony is the catalyst for us to finally talk, 'mano a mano a mano.
' I think I probably showed off a little bit for you guys.
I think I probably jumped into some things that I wouldn't normally jump into - Yeah.
- .
.
because I wanted to be a bit of a hero.
When we've been saying no to stuff, I didn't know whether you've been really angry and disappointed, almost.
- Right.
It's weird, because we've had this whole thing about hardening up, about being a man and stuff like that and, actually, to be honest with you, I think I've hardened up too much.
You know, obviously, it's the first time I've been away from my wife.
- Yeah.
- And the truth is, we've been trying for a baby this year, we've had two unsuccessful pregnancies.
The last one, you know, was very difficult.
You lot were around me when it happened and it was so difficult and, uh that's something I've realised while I've been out here.
I've hardened up, I didn't cry as much as what I should have.
You can be a man without hardening up, and I think that that's something that I've learned while I've been out here and that's what I'll take away from Australia.
Alex, I thought it was I'm probably reading too much into this, but I remember when you said that you felt like the unlucky one, the person that things always happen to, and yet we've gone right the way across this country, not one thing has bitten you - No, I know.
- .
.
you haven't fallen, you haven't broken anything yet.
I mean, we've still got to get to over there.
There could be snakes around here.
I have been thinking it the whole time we're sat here.
Do you know what? I think we've really realised that we're three really different people and maybe that's a really good thing.
- That's why it works.
- Yeah.
I've never seen this side of you before.
I've seen you as a bit of a fanny like me and him.
So basically, I've seen the Australian Adam Hills, rather than the dumbed-down version for Channel 4 on a Friday night.
After cleansing our souls, it's time to cleanse the van, decking it out in the Aboriginal flag.
- So the black is for? - Black is for the people.
Red is for the country.
Yellow is the sun that's over all of us.
Oh, God.
Oh! See, I wouldn't have gone about it that way.
Neither would I, but I panicked.
I love that.
- If I'd just got a better edge on that.
- Yeah.
Needs a bit more black at the top.
I think I've got the red on at too much of an angle as well.
- Anyway - We have a saying in Australia - "She'll be right.
" After a gruelling 3,000 mile adventure across the wilds of the Australian outback Alex, Josh and I have finally made it to my home town.
To celebrate, we serenade Sydney with a classic Aussie anthem.
It's the Opera House! You're the voice try and understand it Make a noise and make it clear oh-wo-wo-wo Oh-wo-wo-wo We're not gonna sit in silence We're not gonna live with fear Oh-wo-wo-wo Oh-wo-wo-wo Miraculously, we've made it in one piece and on time for my grandad's party.
He's been the driving force and the inspiration for this trip and I can't wait to raise a glass with him.
I'm genuinely quite nervous to meet your pa.
Yeah, I am! Do you reckon he's going to be excited? Do you reckon he's already pissed? - I'd love it if he was.
- I'm going to say yes and yes.
Wow, what a welcome! - This is Alex.
- Alex.
- Good to meet you.
How are you? I want to give you a cuddle.
'As well as Pa, my mum's also here to welcome me and the boys.
' - Oh, what a relief.
- And how are you? - Yeah, we're very good, thank you.
Yeah, it's been interesting! There's a part of me that doesn't want you to see what we filmed over the last two weeks, cos I've had my finger in a crocodile's bottom That's what I want to see.
Ever think you'd make it here? - What's that? - I never thought this.
When we were stuck in the middle of the outback by Devils Marbles, this was a very long way away.
'And none of it would have been possible 'without our intrepid tour guide Amar.
' I can't believe that you guys made it in that camper van! Neither can we, Amar.
Cheers, guys, cheers.
'It would have been great for Pa 'to have experienced this epic journey with us, 'but considering all that happened, 'maybe not.
' There is no way you're going to put a finger in this one's arse.
Oh, hello! - What if I mess up your hair? - Don't worry about it.
Fucking hell! There's a strong streak of the bastard about you.
- Will it make me shit myself? - Go in there! - I'm not shitting in the tunnel! - Why? - I've never felt more of a man.
- You look like one of the Village People.
- I think you'd be a really hot woman.
- Do you think? Yeah, I think you would.
Give me that fucking leg.
It feels like we've been here so long, doesn't it? I genuinely can't remember being in the UK.
- No.
- Do you think they look like Australians? Well, yes and no.
Yes and no?
With Josh Widdicombe and Alex Brooker, we are The Last Leg.
and some scenes which viewers may find distressing Oh! Don't start doing that to me.
'For the last four years, 'we have taken the piss out of anyone who has deserved it.
' I think we can all agree, Rupert Murdoch is a massive fuck-knuckle.
'And along the way, these two have ripped the piss out of me, 'and my home country of Australia.
' They recently released DAHTA about a I'm sorry, if you are going to come over here, you're calling it DAYTA, mate.
Now I am going to get my own back.
I have invited them to accompany me on a trip down under to meet someone special, my 97-year-old Aussie grandpa in Sydney.
Go! But what they don't know is that this is going to be a 3,000 mile white-knuckle ride involving the worst the Aussie outback has to throw at them.
Oh, my God! Argh! Holy shit! Ah! Oh! None of this is good! To help give the boys an experience they will never forget, I have enlisted the skills of the ultimate adventure travel agent, Amar Latif a man who has spent a decade helping disabled people experience things others wouldn't dare.
Together, we have created the toughest 3,000-mile road trip imaginable.
So far, we have got up close and personal with man-eating crocs - Oh, hello! - Is this happening? bashed heads with hard-as-nails biker gangs Where were you, son? and I flew over Uluru on a plane while yelling Uluru into a bag.
But Oz's outback is pushing these English flowers to the limit and we are only halfway through our epic journey.
With more antipodean agony in store, will they make it to Sydney, or will they be broken by the real Australia? Go on, then, Alex.
All right, Adam's grandad, we are halfway to you.
I'm sure you are all right, but your country is absolutely ridiculous.
It's hot, it's full of flies, Josh had to touch a crocodile Didn't want to touch a crocodile.
Didn't even want to touch a crocodile, your grandson touched one too much.
Pa, please have a beer ready when we get there cos I'm really going to need one.
These fucking flies, it's ridiculous! What's wrong with this place? It has been an education, exposing the boys to the wilds of the outback, but they are still softer than a baby wombat's arse.
This is fucking dangerous, some of the stuff we are doing here.
All right, Bear Grylls! Well, that's the thing, Josh, I'm not Bear Grylls.
You don't say! Why didn't Channel 4 send HIM out here? 1,300 miles and eight days into our marathon road trip, we are now heading into South Australia and entering the remote mining town of Coober Pedy, which is the aboriginal term for "white man's hole".
Beneath this weird lunar landscape are riches beyond belief.
Opals.
But the heady mix of open mineshafts and high explosives makes this one of the most treacherous places in Oz.
I've seen a lot of safety signs in my time, but never of a man falling down an open mineshaft.
Is there any chance of us doing something that is not dangerous? I reckon this is the perfect spot to test Alex and Josh's staying power.
You know you're in for a good day when you turn up to a truck with "explosives" written on the top of it.
How is this not going to be fun? - Welcome to the mine, my boy.
- Pleasure to be here.
- Yes.
- Thank you for having us.
- Pleasure to have you, too, man.
'Our trusty tour guide Amar has arranged for Greek miner 'George Aslamatis to take us deep underground' - Here is one for you.
- I have got a big head.
'.
.
Along with his Ukrainian bomb-making mate 'and fellow pensioner Ivan.
' - We are going to put six bombs - Bombs?! - Yes.
What is that going in now? That's That is mixed with diesel.
- He is properly just making bombs.
- Yeah, we are making bombs.
But we are not, we are stood away like three pussies while we watch people make bombs.
He isn't even really measuring that out.
He's like the Jamie Oliver of the explosive world.
Jamie Oliver's 15-Minute Bombs.
They put it in and then it goes bang! Oh, God.
I mean, if one goes up, you maybe lose a couple of fingers, but No big deal.
If you lost one finger, you have still got nine.
That's all right, then.
Armed with our home-made high explosives and the certainty MI5 will be searching our e-mails, it is time to head into the mine.
God, this is a bit steep, isn't it? 'It does have a ramp, just not a particularly accessible one.
' Do you get bats in here? Erm, you get kangaroos.
Ivan is ready to drill the holes.
When you're just tunnelling into these rocks, what is keeping it from collapsing? You have to don't open too much big tunnel.
- If you open too much, it can collapse.
- Correct.
Sometimes we make mistakes.
- Sweet Jesus.
- Look at the size of that.
While the boys watch on, I do my impersonation of the world's tiniest dentist.
You are very strong, man.
You are.
As Ivan brings the bombs, Alex is preparing an explosive of his own.
Is it a worry that I need a poo at the moment? - Will it make me shit myself? - Go, then.
- I can't go up here.
- Go in there.
- I'm not shitting in the tunnel! - Why? - Cos I've got no paper.
- Erm, get - I'm not pooing in a tunnel, I can't poo in a cave.
- You want paper? No, it's OK, mate.
The paper's not the problem, really.
Is there the chance that suddenly we are all going to be o1 million richer? - A million to one, but it can happen.
- Yeah.
If we left here with Ð8 million worth of opal, would you bother with the next series of The Last Leg? I wouldn't bother with this afternoon.
In a few moments we could be minted.
Or, alternatively, we might be buried under 200 tonnes of rock.
BANG! Oh, that's better than being a millionaire.
Let's just destroy the place.
Here, here.
- Oh, wow! - For you, man.
- Oh, thank you.
- Look at that.
So, what is that worth? Nothing.
Sorry, boys, you don't become millionaires today, but before you came in I said if we get something, what to do? And they both say, "Give it to the boys.
" Wow, it's easier to say that now.
People do strike it rich in Coober Pedy, but just not us, so to make up for our opal disappointment, George is hosting a get-together Grab your drink.
Welcome to Coober Pedy.
where custom demands that the three of us partake of a traditional Greek tipple.
- What is this? - Tsipouro.
- Yamas.
- Yamas.
- Yamas.
- Stay strong! - Oh! - You want another one? - No.
- You know what? Give me five minutes.
Ah! - It's nice when it hits you.
- No, it's not.
When you have a chest infection, it's beautiful.
I think I've got a chest infection now.
'George certainly knows how to throw a party, 'although he is less competent when it comes to interior design.
' So, here is the fridge.
Nicely close to the wall.
- Yeah, nice built-in fridge.
- Nice built-in fridge.
- Yeah.
- We then walk through here - Yeah.
to a room with the back of a fridge in it.
- Isn't that amazing? - Why wouldn't you? The next day, while we are all nursing a tsipouro hangover the size of Crete, George is busy giving the Dickmobile its second paint job of the trip.
- It looks all right.
- Looks brilliant.
- Looks great, yeah.
Thank you very much.
'George's message refers to the Elgin Marbles - - 'ancient Greek sculptures currently on display in the British Museum.
' - Return the marbles to Greeks because they belong to the Greeks and the English have them.
The English people are lovely people, maybe needs a little sparkle to get a big fire.
He may not be Banksy, but the spark has been lit.
And with the paint barely dry, it is time for the Dickmobile and us to get moving and chew up some more tarmac.
- Adieu, boys.
- Cheers, George! Have a good trip.
There is only a week left until my grandad's party and we have still got over 1,000 miles to cover before we reach Sydney.
And along the way, my good cop/bad cop routine fails to impress.
I have never felt more of a man.
You look like one of the Village People.
We're now 1,500 miles and ten days into the Australian road trip of Alex and Josh's nightmares.
With temperatures reaching over 40 degrees in the van, out here, even a nap can kill you.
With the boys on the brink of giving tour operator Amar a bad review on TripAdvisor, he calls in from the comfort of his tour bus.
- Hello, is that Adam? - Yes, it is.
How are you going? - I'm going good.
How are you guys? We're very good.
Thank you for a patchy journey.
- A patchy journey? What do you mean? We mean, some of it's been good, but most of it's been quite negative.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Where are you now? We're on South Australia.
We're approaching Woomera.
Also, the weather is getting warmer throughout the day.
Yeah, but it sounds like you're still getting from A to B all right.
We are currently somewhere between A and B, but they are a lot further apart than we thought at the start of the holiday.
Try and enjoy it a bit more.
- Cheers for the tip(!) - Thanks a lot, mate.
From South Australia, we've finally had to use the indicator to turn left and are heading east, into my home state of New South Wales, towards the remote town of Silverton where it looks like we've hit peak-hour traffic.
It might not be a teeming metropolis, but it is on this hallowed turf that Mel Gibson shot the cult movie, Mad Max 2 - a true classic of Aussie cinema.
We're here to visit the museum dedicated to it.
Yep, only in Australia would there be a museum dedicated to a movie sequel, but it's a must-see for me and, hopefully, a cultural education for the boys.
- I'm going to be honest with you, fellas, - I've not see Mad Max or 2.
- You've seen the most recent one, right? - Yeah, it was a heap of shit.
- What?! - Oh, it was terrible, mate.
- I almost turned it off.
- Look - All right - No, no, we are not even You have said some offensive things on this trip.
- Mate! - But you are telling me that the most recent film of Mad Max is a piece of shit? - Mate, it was SO fucking boring.
- I'm so tempted to punch you right now.
- Hello! - Come in! - How are you? - Pleasure.
Adrian.
- Adrian.
Not the accent - I was expecting! - Hello, mate.
Alex.
How are you? - Hello, Adrian.
- Nice to meet you.
Josh.
- Josh.
Nice to meet you, Josh.
- Where are you from? - Originally from Bradford in Yorkshire in England.
- How did you end up here? - I went to see the film when I was 18.
And that was it.
Hooked.
I never thought I'd end up here.
Certainly not 25-30 years on.
- So, did you move out here because of Mad Max? - Yeah.
Adrian and his wife Linda have amassed the biggest collection of Mad Max 2 memorabilia in the world.
In fact, they may have ALL the memorabilia.
Sorry, this is actually I was about to say, Mel Gibson's let himself go! This is actually Mel's stunt double from Mad Max 2.
- Oh, seriously?! - Yes.
- Oh! So awkward! Genuinely, the best moment of the trip! 'After being knighted by Denis, it's time to fulfil 'a lifelong dream and get up close and personal' Ha-ha-ha! 'with the Valiant Charger that was driven in the film.
' Ha-ha-ha-ha! Look at his face! - I've never felt more of a man.
- You look like one of the Village People.
I can't hear you, Alex! I can't hear you over the car! 'Sadly, the boys don't seem impressed by this piece 'of cinematic history.
'They're more interested in the British nick-knacks - 'in the kitchen next door.
' - This feels like an English kitchen.
The Top Gear mug.
"World's Greatest Farter".
Mel Gibson's career must be rolling in its grave.
Pudsey! Oh, lovely! Do you feel like it is a bit of Britain in Australia? Yeah, it has to be, doesn't it? It's who you are.
You have got off-road parking, then? How did he convince you to come out here? I think there were a lot of false promises, like a swimming pool, a double garage - Mel Gibson.
- Yeah, Mel Gibson.
But it was just harder for me.
- Do you miss the UK? - Yeah.
- So do I and I've been here two weeks! - What do your friends and family think of it, when you said, "Look, we're going to come out to Australia"? They just gave us 100% backing, which I could kick their head in for.
'All right, enough of this English love-in.
'This is about Mad Max 2 and Adrian has some vehicles 'that he thinks might be better suited to our needs.
' Oh! This is the best thing ever! 'Mobility scooters, given the full 'road warrior treatment.
' Woo-hoo! 'You are taking the piss, 'Adrian, but I like it!' I'm off! What about if you three were to have a race down the road, down to the hotel? - Yes! - Ha-ha-ha! What's happened to your voice in the last? You're just making noises now! Just Australian noises! That Australian noise he always talks about The nyeeeee! Can I wee before we do this? Are you, literally, trying to lose weight.
- You are so competitive! - That is so You are SO competitive! - Is there an outback toilet? - Unbelievable.
- If I win, you have got to give me your leg.
- Deal.
On your marks get set go! I I just took a ride In a silver machine I literally can't go any faster on this.
Oh, this is just appalling.
I ride a silver machine I've got a silver machine I've got a silver machine I've got a silver machine Give me that fucking leg! 'Us Aussies are generally gracious in defeat, 'but my scooter was definitely knobbled.
' It's now just four days until I hook up with my grandpa in Sydney.
But there's 700 miles to go and the only thing helping pass the time is some questionable in-car karaoke.
Back up, back up cos it's on NATE and me, the Warren to the G Just like I thought, they were in the same spot In need of some desperate help.
And if a double-decker bus Kills the both of us To die by your side Is such a heavenly way to die You know the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone Yeah, the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone Well, the last plane out of Sydney's almost gone Just get on the plane! It's really got me It's fair to say we are starting to get on each other's nerves.
I need a break from the lads.
'So, it's time to hop on the blower and update Grandpa on progress.
' - Hello.
- Good day, Pa.
It's Adam.
- How are you? - I'm all right.
- How are you going? - I'm going all right.
I just watched three kangaroos having a fight.
Oh, my goodness, Pa.
I have so many stories to tell you, travelling around Australia with these two English boys.
How are they going? - I'm covered.
- It's getting flyier.
- It is getting pretty fly wild! Alex is sick of the flies, Josh is travelling round with two suitcases, one of which has his pillow and his books, so he can do some reading.
I can't articulate how much the Australians don't let on about their flies, until you get here.
- Absolutely not.
You never hear - You never see flies on Ramsay Street.
- No.
I'm looking forward to introducing them to you, cos I want them to meet a real Australian.
- Oh, God! All right, Pa.
Listen, I'd better go.
- I'm right in the middle of nowhere.
- All right, then.
- Love you! - Love you, too.
- Bye.
'Throughout this epic road trip, I've been trying to turn 'Josh and Alex into something resembling real men.
'So, it's also fair that we explore our feminine sides.
'We're heading to Broken Hill famous for being a hard-as-nails mining town full of even harder Aussie blokes.
'We've been manning up for long enough.
Now, it's time to woman up.
'You see, Broken Hill starred in the cult movie, Queen of the Desert, in which three drag queens ran riot through the middle of town.
'Amar's promised us a surprise 'and asked us to meet him here, in this unassuming suburban house.
' Anything Amar organises, I go in with a huge state of peril.
- Oh, I'm seeing glitter.
- Are you? - I'm seeing something shining inside.
Oh, hello! 'Strap yourselves in, people.
These local lads are about to help us 'become gorgeous girls.
' Amar, this is the most at home I have seen you since we have been in Australia.
- It's the way I rock, with my girls.
Or, my bitches! - Do you have drag names? - Erm I am Sister George.
- I am Ophelia Balls.
- Oh, yes! - Lovely stuff! - Worth the journey to Australia just for that.
- I'm Ethel Merkin.
- And I'm Summer Clearance.
- Were there drag shows going on in Broken Hill before Priscilla? - Never drag, per se.
Broken Hill's mentality has changed so much in the last 20 years.
Priscilla started it.
- Right.
- There are still edges.
Every place has edges.
But it's a different scenario.
We will go out in drag now.
We will finish a show and the idea is, you kind of take it all off and go home.
We're like, "Club!" 'But Alex and Josh suddenly seem a little coy.
' - You two are opting out then? - I think that it's best just for Adam.
He deserves it.
We will be moral support for Adam.
Once again, it's up to me to show some balls, 'whilst tucking them away at the same time.
' - Something skimpy? - Yep.
- Something skimpy? This one here.
- There we go! - That's the one! - What colour is this? - Blue.
Oh, this is lovely.
Fits like a glove.
- I like it.
- Let's do it.
You know how I said, "Suck and tuck"? Oh, is that for? - Yee! - Oh! - Have you ever done mangina? - Eh, oh, yeah, you can't go wrong with a mangina.
- Holy shit.
What did I tell you about shaving it.
How many times? - Become a modern man! - Wrap it around underneath.
You position everything and then tape it.
- Oh, wow! - That is what we want! - I am genuinely worried.
If you didn't have the beard, I think you'd be a really hot woman.
- Do you think? - Yeah, I think you would.
Things have really changed from when we went on that camping trip! As far as I'm concerned, the motto for this journey has always stayed the same - "Harden the fuck up!" 'It's not often you get to do a Priscilla pub crawl 'through a rough-as-guts mining town, 'but dressing up as a woman is going to test my manhood to its Mad Max.
' - I'm getting into it.
- Yes! Oh, hey, ladies! After travelling 2,000 miles through the Australian wilderness in a knackered campervan, we've reached rock-hard mining town Broken Hill.
In homage to Priscilla Queen Of The Desert, I now find myself accepting make-up tips from some girls with suspiciously hairy arms.
Never, ever take your hair off in public.
Not to be done, dear.
- Really? - Unless someone rips it off.
Keep your hair on, don't lose your hair.
'Joining me on the Broken Hill drag circuit 'is my adventurous tour guide.
' - Who do we have here? - Oh, I'm Amara.
- Amara? - Yes.
- 'It's the one time I wish - I was blind.
'Meanwhile, Josh and Alex 'have retired to their room for their own safety.
' Big news.
I've got the Barrier Daily Truth, the local newspaper.
I alert you to page two.
Outback experience for Brits.
- Some familiar faces.
- Shall I read you the news story? - Yes, please.
"The show aims to celebrate the best of Britain, but the stars "of BBC comedy The Last Leg" ".
.
are now seeing what the outback has to offer.
"Asked what they thought of the outback so far, "the Brits didn't hold back.
" 'We're meant to see the real Australia, " 'which is bloody horrible, ' Widdecombe quipped" - Ooh.
- ".
.
In typical Last Leg manner, "which delights in taking the mickey.
" 'It's full of flies.
I can see why nobody lives here, ' Brooker added.
" That's the Barrier Daily Truth, that'll be going in my scrapbook.
- Do you know the best thing about it all? - Go on.
Pretty sure there was a third person that was missing from that photo.
Never been as scared on this trip as I am watching you walking downstairs in high heels, Amar.
I mean Amara, Amara, Amara, Amara.
Fine.
'Accompanied by my new cross-dressing pals, 'it's time to paint the town red.
' OK, let's walk, girls.
- I'm getting into it.
- Yeah.
- I'm getting into it.
Doing the main drag in drag, girls.
'Our destination is karaoke night at the Southern Cross Hotel' Come on, ladies, let's rock this bar! '.
.
A venue most definitely not on the drag circuit.
' Hey, ladies! The party's started! 'Not all the locals seem impressed, but a few are bending our way.
'Work it, sister!' 'Late arrivals Josh and Alex 'also appear strangely fascinated by the cocks in frocks.
' You are Adam, aren't you? I haven't come up to the wrong person? I'm Eileen.
Eileen Dover now.
I'm now about 40% worried that I'm going to wake up next to you.
And yet 60% intrigued.
- Wow, you've really gone all in! - I know! 'There's one sure fire way to win over any crowd.
' I'd like you all to sing and dance with me, please.
'Summon your inner Kylie.
' Everybody's doing a brand-new dance now - Come on, baby, do the - Come on! 'Works every time.
' I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance, now Come on, baby, do the locomotion 'I may not have Kylie's bum, 'but then again, she doesn't have my bum notes.
' .
.
ABCs Come on, come on Do the locomotion Everybody! Come on, come on Do the locomotion with me.
Well, that was an amazing night that has now become an extraordinary morning.
As we leave Broken Hill, there's one final thing I have to do before I untuck my manhood.
I am Adam Hills - Queen of the Desert! La Traviata Was being a drag act how you imagined? I don't know.
It felt quite liberating to just kick your heels off, have a bit of a dance with the girls.
And not It felt liberating not having to be a bloke.
- Yeah.
- And not worrying about what people thought of you as a man.
It's a bit like the opposite of the rest of the trip.
I think we need to talk about Amar - Yeah.
- .
.
dressing up, as well.
Those hairy arms! The hairiest shoulders in the business.
Yeah.
I mean, he would have been better off just shaving a line round his wrist and telling people it was a cardigan.
He looked like Teen Wolf.
With just three days to go until my grandpa's party in Sydney, we're having to put our artificial feet down - we've still got over 300 miles to cover.
We're entering lush farming country and leaving the barren outback behind.
Our next destination - a little town called Bigga.
It's fair to say that, throughout this trip, vegetarian Josh has found the menus in Australia's outback eateries something of a challenge.
Toasted sandwiches, no veggies.
Burgers - six different options, no veggie.
Seven main meals, no veggie.
Three chargrilled steaks - I'm presuming none of them are veggie.
Kids' meals - three meals to get people into meat early doors.
- So, what are your options outside of those? - I've got two options - small or large chips.
Um Or I could get wedges, which are just big chips.
So basically, I can have as much potato as I want for dinner.
If Josh doesn't want to EAT an animal, our next adventure might be a little hard to swallow.
Because Amar has decided to send us on a feral pig hunt.
And there's barely a potato in sight.
Pigs were first introduced into Australia by white settlers, but a handful of docile farm porkers have become 20 million feral monsters that are wreaking havoc with the natural habitat.
In order to reduce their numbers, in New South Wales it's legal to hunt the pigs, using dogs to track them.
Not sure what to think of it, mate.
Obviously, I eat a lot of pig meat - bacon and whatnot - but there's a difference between that and going out and killing one myself.
How are you feeling about it? - Not good, really.
- Nah.
Oh, God, wow.
There is a camp.
Oh, God.
You know, I don't know if I want to witness someone I'm not having a go at them for doing it - - I understand they're a pest, but I just feel like this is not something I can handle, really.
And I'm not going to man I'm not going to harden the fuck up.
Oh, God, if someone tells me to harden the fuck up one more time I'm going to scream.
The plan is to accompany experienced hunters Mullian and Christie on a night hunt.
- I'm Alex.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Josh.
How's it going? How you going? So, what's on here, then? We got your baked spud, baked pumpkin, and a goat that Chris shot today.
I'm I'm going to I'm I'm a vegetarian, so I'll I'll stick to the baked spud.
And No, we got some vegetarian stuff here.
- Oh, have you? Oh, thank you, you're the best.
- Some fake meat.
You knew I was coming! For Alex and me, there's a bit of bush tucker.
- Beautiful roo tail.
- Hang on, hang on.
Alex.
You said you wanted to eat kangaroo.
This is actually a kangaroo tail.
I won't I won't feed you nothing that I won't eat - trust me.
So So this is the roo tail.
It's all sticky.
Chicken, crocs on that, too.
Bit of a Bit of a fatty bit, that one.
The pre-hunt barbecue proves to be the final straw for Josh.
I've been thinking about this a lot this evening.
- Yeah? - I I totally respect what you're doing - I haven't got a problem with it - but I don't think I can do the hunt.
I hope you're OK with that.
- Yeah.
- I've really enjoyed spending my evening with you, you've been great and it's been really fascinating.
- Yeah, totally.
- I hope you understand that I find it difficult.
I mean, when I watched Watership Down, I couldn't sleep for a month.
Let me just give an example of how affected Josh may have been by it.
- Bright eyes - No, don't! With Josh choosing love, not boar, Alex and I head out into the night in search of wild pig.
So, where do the pigs kind of like Where do they hang out? What are they doing at night? Are they just chilling out, do they find shelter? No, generally at night they'll be feeding - from now till just before sunrise.
After hours of searching, the pigs are still proving elusive.
- How you going, Alex? - Yeah, good, thank you, mate.
- Seen some bloody good roos there, eh? - Yeah.
No pigs, though.
It's so cold.
I can't moan about it, cos I've spent the last two weeks bitching about it being hot.
This isn't hunting gear, is it? Look at me! I've got a long-sleeve T-shirt and a polka-dot T-shirt on top of it.
They're not polka-dots, they're flowers.
They're clearly flowers.
They are flowers! - It's just getting worse.
- I don't know what to say - they are flowers.
As temperatures drop close to freezing, Alex decides to call it a night and head back to his B&B.
And although I'm a little uneasy about what we're doing, I'm refusing to be beat.
I've never been more Australian in my life.
Josh and Alex have gone back, er to the accommodation for the night, and I have decided to sleep out here and hope that when we wake up we can actually go find a pig.
It's ridiculous.
It's like a cross between The Blair Witch Project Pig In The City.
After two weeks and almost 3,000 miles travelling across Australia, me, Josh and Alex find ourselves facing the grisly prospect of a wild pig hunt.
However, the boys have proved they've no stomach or stamina for the chase, leaving me to camp through the night to bring home the bacon.
At first light, it's possible to see the devastation these animals have caused.
Time to step up.
'The dogs pick up the scent' Get him out! Get him out! '.
.
And the chase is on.
' 'I am not prepared for this morning jog, 'or for what I'm about to see.
' We've got a pig.
That was pretty full-on.
Uh I get that they're pests, I get that they were introduced to the environment and they're making a mess of it and I guess for the sake of the countryside and for the the farmers and everything, I guess you've got to do it.
You've got to kill a pig, but that's still kind of disturbing.
Round and up you come.
'This is the grimmest piggyback I've ever given.
'In my quest to take the boys to the limit, 'I think I might have actually pushed myself too far.
' Back at the B&B, only Alex can bear to hear the gruesome details.
Mate, I was in the car last night and I was like, "This is so cold.
" I'm having trouble finding sympathy for you, because the back of my head is covered in pig's blood.
- Aww! Oh, my God, that's absolutely minging.
You look like something off of Casualty.
That's absolutely ridiculous.
Do you know what? I'm glad Josh didn't go.
Like, it was really disturbing, you know? Mate What do you reckon your grandad's going to make of it all? At the outset, this journey was about me turning the tables on Josh and Alex.
But now there's something hanging in the air between us - and I don't mean Alex's breakfast.
Just one day and a mere 65 miles away from Sydney, Amar has arranged a detour deep into the awe-inspiring Blue Mountains.
This mountain range forms a natural barrier between the bush and suburban Sydney that lies beyond.
To help clear the air, Amar has arranged a traditional ceremony to cleanse us of any bad energy with Aboriginal elder Chris Tobin.
In the Darug mobs in Sydney if the men were holding gum leaves, that was a sign of peace.
- Oh, right.
- Before I do a ceremony, I'll float a gum leaf around, just so the ancestors know what we're doing.
- Yep.
'We're trekking up to the rocky summit of Hat Hill, '"hill" being Australian for "extremely steep mountain".
' How are you going, Brooker? This is an effort.
'Once conquered, the views don't disappoint.
' Whoa! That is brilliant.
Wow! As you're going to be travelling off to see Adam's grandfather and you've probably had a lot of journeys and dramas and adventures along the way, we don't want to carry all that to Adam's beautiful grandfather, so we're going to do a smoking for you, let all that go and you can arrive into the beautiful Darug country all rested and at peace.
- Brilliant.
- Cool.
So when these go on, we're going to get a lot of smoke.
Then, pretty much, you're invited to walk through it.
I promised my cousin I'd sing while you did it, though.
Oh, wow! 'This is a smoking break that's actually good for body and soul.
'Although Alex might tell you otherwise.
' - Fellas, I've got a gift for you too.
- Oh, thank you! - Don't get too excited.
It's just a piece of string.
- Oh, OK.
But one strand - it snaps, but when we're together, we're strong.
Thank you, that really means a lot.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
'The traditional ceremony is the catalyst for us to finally talk, 'mano a mano a mano.
' I think I probably showed off a little bit for you guys.
I think I probably jumped into some things that I wouldn't normally jump into - Yeah.
- .
.
because I wanted to be a bit of a hero.
When we've been saying no to stuff, I didn't know whether you've been really angry and disappointed, almost.
- Right.
It's weird, because we've had this whole thing about hardening up, about being a man and stuff like that and, actually, to be honest with you, I think I've hardened up too much.
You know, obviously, it's the first time I've been away from my wife.
- Yeah.
- And the truth is, we've been trying for a baby this year, we've had two unsuccessful pregnancies.
The last one, you know, was very difficult.
You lot were around me when it happened and it was so difficult and, uh that's something I've realised while I've been out here.
I've hardened up, I didn't cry as much as what I should have.
You can be a man without hardening up, and I think that that's something that I've learned while I've been out here and that's what I'll take away from Australia.
Alex, I thought it was I'm probably reading too much into this, but I remember when you said that you felt like the unlucky one, the person that things always happen to, and yet we've gone right the way across this country, not one thing has bitten you - No, I know.
- .
.
you haven't fallen, you haven't broken anything yet.
I mean, we've still got to get to over there.
There could be snakes around here.
I have been thinking it the whole time we're sat here.
Do you know what? I think we've really realised that we're three really different people and maybe that's a really good thing.
- That's why it works.
- Yeah.
I've never seen this side of you before.
I've seen you as a bit of a fanny like me and him.
So basically, I've seen the Australian Adam Hills, rather than the dumbed-down version for Channel 4 on a Friday night.
After cleansing our souls, it's time to cleanse the van, decking it out in the Aboriginal flag.
- So the black is for? - Black is for the people.
Red is for the country.
Yellow is the sun that's over all of us.
Oh, God.
Oh! See, I wouldn't have gone about it that way.
Neither would I, but I panicked.
I love that.
- If I'd just got a better edge on that.
- Yeah.
Needs a bit more black at the top.
I think I've got the red on at too much of an angle as well.
- Anyway - We have a saying in Australia - "She'll be right.
" After a gruelling 3,000 mile adventure across the wilds of the Australian outback Alex, Josh and I have finally made it to my home town.
To celebrate, we serenade Sydney with a classic Aussie anthem.
It's the Opera House! You're the voice try and understand it Make a noise and make it clear oh-wo-wo-wo Oh-wo-wo-wo We're not gonna sit in silence We're not gonna live with fear Oh-wo-wo-wo Oh-wo-wo-wo Miraculously, we've made it in one piece and on time for my grandad's party.
He's been the driving force and the inspiration for this trip and I can't wait to raise a glass with him.
I'm genuinely quite nervous to meet your pa.
Yeah, I am! Do you reckon he's going to be excited? Do you reckon he's already pissed? - I'd love it if he was.
- I'm going to say yes and yes.
Wow, what a welcome! - This is Alex.
- Alex.
- Good to meet you.
How are you? I want to give you a cuddle.
'As well as Pa, my mum's also here to welcome me and the boys.
' - Oh, what a relief.
- And how are you? - Yeah, we're very good, thank you.
Yeah, it's been interesting! There's a part of me that doesn't want you to see what we filmed over the last two weeks, cos I've had my finger in a crocodile's bottom That's what I want to see.
Ever think you'd make it here? - What's that? - I never thought this.
When we were stuck in the middle of the outback by Devils Marbles, this was a very long way away.
'And none of it would have been possible 'without our intrepid tour guide Amar.
' I can't believe that you guys made it in that camper van! Neither can we, Amar.
Cheers, guys, cheers.
'It would have been great for Pa 'to have experienced this epic journey with us, 'but considering all that happened, 'maybe not.
' There is no way you're going to put a finger in this one's arse.
Oh, hello! - What if I mess up your hair? - Don't worry about it.
Fucking hell! There's a strong streak of the bastard about you.
- Will it make me shit myself? - Go in there! - I'm not shitting in the tunnel! - Why? - I've never felt more of a man.
- You look like one of the Village People.
- I think you'd be a really hot woman.
- Do you think? Yeah, I think you would.
Give me that fucking leg.
It feels like we've been here so long, doesn't it? I genuinely can't remember being in the UK.
- No.
- Do you think they look like Australians? Well, yes and no.
Yes and no?