The Last Weekend (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

This is me, retracing my steps.
I'm not shaking your hand.
Come here.
Ollie and Daisy, they're my oldest friends.
We met at college.
I've got an inoperable brain tumour.
I'm going to die.
Ollie doesn't wanna talk about it and Daisy doesn't know yet.
Ollie and I have a three-event triathlon for money.
Oh, yes! Beating you, that's what counts.
Returning to the place where bad things happen can be unsettling.
Em's my wife, for better or worse, for richer or poorer.
I could murder someone tomorrow.
You'd better watch out.
Milo, I can't go on my own.
Just wait there, all right.
Hey! Psst! Bathroom's up here.
All right.
Go inside.
I'll be here.
Shut the door.
Milo, I can't go on my own.
It's a funny house.
No, it's not a funny house, just OK, so I wasn't shaking my head at Milo's BMW, or the fact that his kids don't call him dad, or my passion for Daisy, or sorrow for Ollie, or my concern for Em.
No, I actually had other things on my mind, that weekend.
The main one's down to Ollie, because, I don't know if you remember, but he called me at work saying that Daisy's already asked someone for the bank holiday.
What do you mean? They'd invited this Milo for the weekend, and would Em and I change our plans? Which pisses me off, you know.
Oi, Campbell! So, anyway, I'm on playground duty and I come off the phone to Ollie, and I see this kid Campbell bullying this Year Two boy.
Get away from him! So it's, 'Let's go and see the head!' And he's I ain't going nowhere with you.
You can't make me.
Oh, really? Yeah, you can't touch me.
Is that so? Come here.
Get off me.
Come here.
Get off! Please, sir, please.
Shut up.
Let go, sir.
You're hurting.
Oh, yeah? Well, now you know how it feels, Campbell.
And I take Campbell to our head and she puts her arm around Campbell for a quiet, little chat.
Campbell's mother has made a complaint against you.
I'm sorry? An official complaint, which triggers an independent investigation, followed by a hearing in front of the governors.
Whoa! Wait a minute.
This is ridiculous.
She She complains that I keep her child in order and stop him bullying younger children? Ian, there's a doctor's letter concerning Campbell's ear, which speaks of inflammation and temporary loss of hearing.
I barely touched his ear.
Ian, I am advising you to contact your union rep.
So, that Saturday, I'm see-sawing.
I'm all over the place.
All of which is complicated enough, with Milo and his two daughters showing up who are a smokescreen, by the way, because he's come with an agenda.
If he didn't play a part in what happened that weekend, no-one did.
What are you doing? Stop.
What are you? What are you? What have you smelled? Stay away.
Sit.
Sit, Rufus.
Sit.
Good boy.
What have you got, eh? What have you found? Amazing.
Point of interest: in the kind of books we give our more advanced Year Sixes, a dead owl is an omen of catastrophe.
Imminent death.
And, in most mythology, the owl is the goddess of betrayal.
Did those kids wake you? No, I haven't heard 'em.
Oh, baby, that's nice.
Mm.
I've been thinking - You don't wanna do that! We've got to help Ollie and Daisy talk about what's happening to him.
You've got to tell her, you have to.
No, not unless you think she'd go to pieces.
Daisy's hard as nails.
I'd wanna know if I was her.
Well, you say that It's one couple helping another.
That's what friends are for.
And, in return Sorry, could you just let that fly out? Yeah.
In return, what? Ollie could advise you how to handle the hearing on Wednesday.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Ian.
No, no.
I've told you, I don't want that mentioned.
He's a lawyer.
He could help you.
Yeah, I don't need his help.
You're one as bad as the other.
Maybe we understand each other.
Maybe you're both scared.
And you more than him, cos at least he told you something.
I tell you what I tell you what, why don't you go and talk to him, eh, cos you seemed pretty friendly, last night? Pretty nuzzly.
I beg your pardon? In the car.
You think I couldn't see? Anyone could see.
Anyone could see that you fancied him.
What are you on about? Come on, Em.
Be honest.
Him leaning over to get the CD, you didn't even try to move.
You enjoyed it.
You enjoyed him leaning on you.
Ian Hey.
Come on.
Come here.
Baby, come here.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you feeling unloved? Are you? I tell you what, why don't you go and close those curtains and then get back in bed? Eh? Why don't you come back into bed? Why don't you come back into bed? Cheers.
Here's to the bank holiday.
Ian? Ollie? Tennis.
Round Two.
Ah, tennis is it? No way, it's too hot.
Nonsense.
Have you got somewhere booked? Yeah, it's owned by that ex-British tennis player.
What's his name? Henman? What? No, don't be stupid.
Go away.
It's er Oh, God! Oh, who cares? It doesn't matter.
Ollie, if you're playing tennis, Milo's going too.
No.
But you love tennis.
No, but it's crap with three.
So play doubles.
Take Archie.
It can be like the Moretons versus the visitors.
But we've got our triathlon.
Yeah, so just count me out.
No, absolutely not.
No, no, it's fine.
Doubles for nothing and then singles for Round Two.
Yeah.
Cool.
Cool.
Count me in.
It's on.
Well, did you bring your laptop? No.
No? No.
No? I can't believe it.
No, no, didn't bring it.
So brilliant - he's working on this art installation.
Oh.
His what, sorry? Go on.
No, you started it.
Really? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
OK.
He's recording his physical reaction to scraping parts of his body with a scalpel.
Different parts of my body.
My God.
What do you mean? But where's the latest part? Erm Oh, my God! Doesn't that hurt? Well, yeah.
Yeah.
That's part of the point.
While he's doing that, he's got cameras on his face and electrodes on his head.
Yeah, and then I convert the brain readings into musical notes and I create a soundtrack.
Mm.
Oh.
OK.
- It's gonna be called - Body Narrative.
Yeah.
Where's it gonna be on? Well, you know, that's the thing.
I don't I don't feel ready to exhibit it, you know like, in public.
'Thank God for that,' I thought.
'May your sick, narcissistic shite remain unseen forever.
' And, as for Daisy's non-stop gushing, I mean, I wanted to puke.
I mean, let's be honest, men don't like women finding other men attractive.
They don't.
And this Milo is attractive.
Sorry, erm I should probably let you know Daisy is Milo's agent.
She headhunts for big companies - usually in advertising and he's a creative director, whatever that means.
'Wanker,' I think.
So they know each other.
But all of this touchy-feely stuff, I was shocked.
Spare a thought for Ollie, because he definitely didn't like this guy being around.
And, you know, Ollie's got other things on his mind.
Literally.
So, you know, I felt protective towards him.
And, when enough was enough well, sometimes, you've got to look out for your friends.
It's true.
No, it's definitely true.
And what you're doing is too good not to be done.
I'm telling you - Where's your wife, Milo? Where's your wife? Bianca's in the States for a month.
She's a designer.
Want some more? Yeah, please.
If she'd taken the kids, you could be in the studio now.
Sorry.
You big wuss.
Let me get that for you.
Here.
Thank you.
So, Ollie, how's your work? Ollie's applied to become Queen's Counsel.
Oh, wow! Wow! I've been pushing him to do it for ages.
Doesn't mean it's gonna happen though.
Of course it'll happen.
Well, we'll see.
It'll definitely happen.
Oliver Moreton QC just sounds right.
QC sounds right after any name.
Ian Goade, QC.
You see? Ian Goade, QC.
Milo, what's your second name? Milo Fat Yogurt QC.
Milo Self Esteem.
Milo Blood Pressure.
Milo And Behold.
Aaah! Milo, look what we've found! Look! Can we take it to the seaside? Cos you said - I Before you say yeah, remember we're playing tennis.
Five-love.
Not a bad warm-up for Round Two, eh, Ian? Ian? OK, now I'm getting mixed messages, because back at the house, it was me and Ollie against Milo, seeing off the interloper but, here, I'm being treated like an interloper too.
And yeah, part of it is mind games, cos Round Two's coming up, so he's, 'Smash the bastard!' 'Soften him up!' But then he starts to have a go at Archie as well and I think, 'Of course.
It's the brain tumour.
' Get in.
Five-two, the comeback continues.
Sorry, what was that? I didn't say anything.
You shook your head at me.
You're not so fucking brilliant yourself.
Just go and get the ball, will you? No-one's gonna steal it.
Everything OK over there? Fine.
Now that's a shot! Wait.
No, no, it's mine.
Aaah! Hey, are you all right? Huh? Are you OK? Look at me.
Ow! No, my head hurts.
Let's have a look at you.
Are you all right? No thanks to you.
When your partner's before, you've got to be ready to duck.
Oh, so it's my fault? I'm not saying that.
You're not saying sorry either.
The shot was on target.
The shot hit me in the face.
Just get over it, will you? Let's finish the match, it's getting interesting.
Fuck your match! Sorry, you two.
Dad's a prick.
Don't worry.
He'll be back.
Come on.
Singles.
Rough or smooth? Maybe we should go after him.
You did hit him pretty hard.
It's a tennis ball.
Yeah, but you got him in the temple.
Yeah, I I think that we should definitely go after him.
I'll go.
You guys play.
I knew there was a reason for you being here.
Thank you.
Right, come on, then.
Seconds out, Round Two.
Rough or smooth? Rough.
Smooth.
One-love.
Yeah, he wiped the floor with me.
Except, three games in, Milo's back he can't find Archie anywhere and he's not answering his phone.
With a blow to the temple, you can't take chances, so we drive around.
All the courts are booked up for the weekend with some tournament, so the game was abandoned.
Yeah, I was gutted.
And still leading one-nil.
Look who it is.
It is them.
Listen, I'm sure it's fine.
Don't panic, but we've lost Archie.
No, you haven't, he got a cab back.
He got a? Where is he? He's not here.
He met some friends.
He went to a music festival.
He came back to get changed.
Met some friends? We're in the middle of nowhere.
Will you listen to what I am saying? There is a music festival.
People come from all over the country.
Right, so he's OK, he's doing what he wants.
Yeah.
But we don't get our game in.
No, that's fine, just terrific! Yeah.
That pub we were at yesterday did have a pool table.
We could Pool? What are you talking about? This is a triathlon.
We're meant to be testing ourselves against each other physically.
Why are you talking about pool? Ollie, will you just chill out? Why don't you just - Hey! No, it's - Hey, hey.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
The girls have made cupcakes.
Cupcakes? My favourite.
And meringues.
But they're for supper.
Well, for pudding.
Come on.
Let's go and have a look at them.
Look at all the cakes we've made.
Oh, my You have to talk to him.
She doesn't have a clue.
Yeah, I will, when I get a chance.
God, those kids are irritating.
Don't they irritate you? No, I think they're sweet.
But I do know a way that we could keep away from them for a while.
We could, erm You know.
We should.
If you're up for it.
Yeah.
Yeah? Where? Round the back of the bike sheds? No.
Yeah.
Yes.
Come on.
Round the back.
Come on.
OK, so, for those who are thinking, 'God! These two are at it all the time!' we weren't, not normally, but this weekend coincided with Em being in her mid-cycle.
Em really wanted a baby, which I wasn't sure about, before this weekend, but with our paths about to diverge through no fault of our own, it'd be nice to give her something she wanted.
Like I told you, I pride myself on my powers of recovery.
And it's not like it would be a chore.
I could always think of Daisy who remained my constant love.
Constant throughout.
Yeah.
We did it over there.
Mm.
Oh, they are delicious, aren't they? Mm.
Yeah, not bad.
Ooh, 'Not bad' from Ian.
Wow! I've never heard one of those for anything.
Yeah, you have.
You've had one or two, in the early days.
Yeah, I'm sure you have.
Daisy and I used to go out, before she met Ollie.
Oh, all right.
Do you know how we met? We were in the library and Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, sorry.
Gives a whole new meaning to, 'I've got a crush on you'! And it's fair to say that I pursued her.
Yeah, but we never went out as a couple.
What? Well, not as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, then, what would you say we were doing the night we met Ollie? I don't think we should go into the details of that particular evening until later.
You know the side pocket in my blue bag? Yeah.
The DVD you wanted Yeah.
Why don't you go watch it in the car? Yes.
Hurry.
So you were saying? Ian and I used to share a flat when we were at college and, one night, I come home and I think there's no-one there, so I'm in my room, playing my music - Very loud.
Which we were enjoying, because we were in the next room, in bed by the wall and we On the bed, not in it.
On it.
On top of the bed.
We were hanging out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
You're right.
She's right.
But, in his dreams Yeah.
I cannot tell a lie.
Guilty as charged.
God, it's hot.
I'm not blushing at all.
Does anyone want any ice, guys? Well, yeah, if you discount me taking her top off and kissing her breasts, nothing happened.
She wanted to stay that night, but her parents were arriving early the next morning.
Next time though, yeah? So I was walking her to her halls of residence.
And, if I would have opened the door, it would have made less noise, because I knew how to turn the handle without the door rattling.
Ollie would never have heard and come out of his room Oh, sorry.
I just, erm wondered what was going on.
Erm And, when I come back, Ollie's waiting for me on the landing, not naked now, no.
He's in that silk dressing gown, the one with the tasselled belt.
All is lost, because it's Who was that? Daisy Brabant.
And all's fair in love and war, I know that but, when I next arranged to meet Daisy in a bland, off-campus pub, which I'd specifically chosen for its lack of appeal to students, Ollie is sitting there at the bar.
Coincidence or evidence that my best friend's been sneaking a look in my diary before I realised I should always write in code? But let's not forget, Daisy also played her part.
Oh, yeah.
Because, the following week, she turns up at our flat a whole hour before she knows that I can be there.
But guess who is there? Yeah.
And then, four weeks later, they break it to me that they're seeing each other.
Yeah.
It was as quick as that.
Where have you been? You went to get ice.
And found instead, for round two of our challenge, two mountain bikes, in pretty good nick.
So, I throw down the gauntlet.
Ollie, just so you know, he's been down the gym on fitness bikes every day this summer.
Has he? Yeah.
Well, nevertheless, I pick up your gauntlet, and I strike you across the face with it, sir.
Great.
Which bike do you want? I'll have mine, you can have Archie's.
We do a lot of biking.
I've got helmets and everything.
I tell you what, we can go down the coast and race back.
It's only five or six miles.
I'll just get changed.
Hey! Hey! This is the perfect time to talk to him.
Good luck.
And I was going to have that heart-to-heart with Ollie.
I was.
Because Ollie's my oldest friend my best friend.
But the past once remembered, has a gravitational pull, which sucks you back into the feelings that you had then.
And I always felt Daisy was just another conquest for Ollie.
Just him getting another one over on me.
Because Ollie has loads of girlfriends, loads of women fancied him, but Daisy was everything to me.
Which only increased her value in his eyes.
But the truth is he didn't love her.
He was just competitive.
Ready, steady, go! Ah! We're off! We're racing.
That's where my dad drowned.
Just swam out and kept on swimming.
Ah! You all right? Ian? Yeah, I'm fine.
One-all's fine, is it? Oh, well, it is with me.
I think we know where the momentum is.
See you back at the house! So, what did he say? Oh.
He didn't say anything.
You told me you'd spoken to him and you'd tell me later.
Yeah, but we were busy racing.
What, there and back? Well, he probably doesn't want to talk about the one thing that's gonna do him in.
It's not that easy.
It's as easy as speaking.
Oh, yeah, "How's the tumour, man?" Like you're speaking to me now.
Puddings.
Maybe pudding will stop Ollie from talking.
Has anyone heard of the troposphere? No? It's the 12 or so miles below the stratosphere, where the weather comes from, and guess what? It isn't hotting up, it's getting cooler.
Global warming is a fact, all right.
Only the oil companies and their stooges deny it.
I think that we should remember that we're on a tiny rock, hurtling around an insignificant star, which will burn itself out and remove all traces that we even existed, whatever we do.
That's what I think.
Great! Pudding anyone? Yeah.
Pudding's as good an option as any.
Em? Yes, please.
It looks lovely.
With or without cream? With.
There you go.
Thanks.
Has Ian told you about his disciplinary hearing? No, he hasn't.
Sounds intriguing.
Do tell.
Erm, thanks.
It's, erm Ian caught a boy, Campbell, an 11-year-old, bullying a much younger child.
This is a known trouble-maker, and Ian had to restrain him to protect the younger child, and the boy has now made a complaint against him, alleging assault.
So, he's up before the board governors on Wednesday.
Poor Ian.
Sounds like you need a good lawyer.
When Em says that you restrained this boy, did you? You didn't belt the little bleeder, did you? No.
I know you do have a temper.
He took him by the ear.
Yeah just to calm him down.
I didn't grab him or yank him or pull him.
I simply - Took him by the ear? Mm.
Right, erm his name's Campbell, right? Am I right in thinking he's black? Er sorry.
What are you apologising for? Uh I don't know.
We're a multi-ethnic school, so black or white, it's not relevant.
So, you're not being accused of racism? No.
Well I'm not.
There's been history between Campbell and Ian.
Ian runs the school football team - Yeah, this was a long time ago.
Competitive sports have been outlawed - You shouldn't have said it.
Well, my mum used to say it to me.
Used to say what? Yes! Come on! Whoo! Come on! Yes! Very good.
Very good, Campbell.
But pass next time, yeah? Pass, you cheeky little monkey! And he was fine.
He smiled.
This only came out after all the ear business.
He told his mum that Ian called him names.
Well, you did say that to him.
What, you can't call kids monkeys? Or just white kids.
I mean, monkeys are mischievous.
That's the association.
I feel like I'm in the dock here.
I'm just playing devil's advocate.
I know you didn't mean to be racist, but I know what tribunals are like.
She's right, Ian.
You should have your defence ready.
I don't need a defence.
I can handle it.
I'm innocent.
Yeah, innocence, I'm afraid, is very rarely sufficient in itself.
Yeah, OK, well, maybe we should talk about this tomorrow when we've all got a little less wine inside of us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyone for coffee? Green tea, for me.
I'll make it.
Coffee sounds great.
Not for me, thanks.
Shall we wash up tonight or just leave it? Shall we go for a walk? Ey, shall we go for a walk, boy? Where's your lead, Rufus? Come on Rufus, let's go for a walk, boy, ey? Actually, I think I'm going to hit the hay.
Yeah? Good.
Standing here, on that bank holiday weekend, watching Daisy and this Milo well, that was by chance, right? But when Ollie and Daisy first got together, they would go to her halls of residence to you know sleep together.
And I would follow.
It was just a measure of what I was feeling.
And all of it flooding back on that bank holiday weekend.
Although when I next look, Daisy and Milo have gone to bed, I assume or to some quiet corner to you know fuck.
Milo, is that you? No, it's me.
Oh, sorry.
I I must have fallen asleep.
Don't apologise.
I was talking to Milo.
The others went to bed.
Now now he's gone, too.
Hey.
Hey.
There, there.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
There, there.
Aw! Oh Daisy.
Aw! Thank you.
It's all right.
Thanks.
What is it? Milo.
Oh.
It's it's finished.
You know, the marriage, the lot, me included.
I had no idea.
I assumed everything was OK.
And what, he's just ended things between you? Yeah, he's moving back to New York.
Let me get you a drink.
No, I've drunk too much.
Well, that's a yes, then.
Can you turn the light off? I look dreadful when I've been crying, and don't say I don't, cos I do.
You'll get another man.
I guarantee.
What's so special about Milo anyway? Is he that good in the sack? I've I've lost him as a client, not a lover.
I can't believe you thought that! No! He and Bianca have split up.
She wants to bring the girls up in the States, so if he's going to be part of their lives, he has to go.
Me and Milo? Argh! Well, he's obviously attracted to you.
Is he? Yeah.
Any man would be.
Get off! Now you're just being gallant which is very nice, but I mean it.
And you know it.
Yeah.
You're very loyal.
I am.
Yeah.
I'm so pleased you and Em are happy together.
Yeah, we are.
I used to worry about you, you know? But everything's turned out all right.
Come and give me a hug.
Yeah, OK.
Did she say that, or did I say that? In a way, it's-it's irrelevant because because she wanted to hug.
And we were laughing.
I'm falling off.
We'd better sit up.
No, we'll be fine if you just shift over.
God, I love you.
Dear Ian you are such a good friend.
Yeah.
Hey - erm I think Uh.
Ian No.
No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying there wasn't some resistance, and guilt, on her part.
On both our parts.
But that bite to my shoulder while her nails raked my back that was to excite not deter.
To add to the moment to urge me on.
Archie! What are you doing? I could ask the same question.
I'm here with Ian, as you can see.
Hi, Ian.
Hey! How was the gig? Great, but the campsite's crap.
Mum, it's nearly 3:00 in the morning.
And you never stay up this late.
W-w-w we were we were talking.
Yeah, right.
Well, what else would we be doing? It's obvious what you've been doing.
I'd have to be blind not to see.
I mean, how many bottles can you get through in one evening? I'm off to bed.
And I'm out tomorrow, as well.
Wait.
Archie, come here.
I need a hug.
Mum, you're off your face.
This is really weird.
It's not weird, I'm your mum.
I was worried about you.
Ah, yes! What goes around comes around, and pretty soon, it's pay back time.
All I saw was them holding each other.
If you feel after all this time like you've made a mistake Ah! You are my truest and dearest companion.
Is she having an affair? A big thank you for that, Em.
What, you think I don't know the smell of cum on a fucking tissue?