The League s01e02 Episode Script

Hello, you collection of shit sippers.
It's week one.
Ruxin versus Pete.
- He's a little gnome.
- Miserable troll.
Question: Is Three Beat the name of your team or the amount of times you plan on getting married? - Oh, touchy subject.
Heh-heh-heh.
Do you think single life is gonna be easier? No, no, no, my friend, it's gonna take effort.
Remember how in college, you used to get drunk and a girl would, like, fall on your dick? - That's not the way it works in your 30s.
- He's got a point there, okay? There are things you don't know.
Been out of the game a while.
Can you imagine you going to a bar right now? Well, if you can't, I brought some visual aids to help out.
"Oh, hey, it's me, Pete.
" "Oh, hey, I'm a 21-year-old.
" "Oh, you wanna go to a Counting Crows concert this weekend?" "Who are the Counting Crows?" "Are you kidding me, Adam Duritz? That guy's cool.
" "Uh, lame.
" "Whatever.
I'll just go home and blow my friend Kevin.
" - Shiva could never love a man like this.
- No.
"Oh, thank God Kevin's penis is so small.
I can fit it in my mouth and still talk.
" So it's, like, "over" over? I mean, is it? Pretty much.
Yeah.
I got an apartment.
It's over.
There's like a ripple effect for your breakup.
It goes beyond you.
- Oh, in terms of how it affects, like, you? - Yes, exactly.
- I didn't think about that.
You did not think about that.
I wasn't sensitive to your feelings as I was going through a split-up with my wife.
Yeah, your breakup is affecting me now because I have not had sex with Sofia since she had the baby.
She was about ready to start opening it up and now she is so distraught because of it she's spending her time with Meegan.
Are you basically saying I should get back together with Meegan because it's mildly inconvenient for your sex life? I would like you to have a kid so we're living under the same restrictions.
Oh, you got it, man.
Yeah, thank you.
Yours.
I ordered a Riesling.
You ordered that.
I don't I'm not ordering that.
This is We're in public.
Child, please.
- What? - Yeah, I'm sorry, what was that? Child, please.
- Is that Ochocinco? Ochocinco.
Can we get back on track and explain to you that my balls are like New Orleans and the levees are about to burst.
Why don't you just jerk off? I don't understand what the problem is.
- Masturbate.
- No, I'm not I don't.
My sexual imagination is not sexy, it's scary.
You just need porn.
Get yourself some porn.
- I would love some porn.
- Just get a magazine or something soft-core.
I don't like the way porno magazines smell, okay? Ugh.
I can't have porno in the house because Sofia considers that cheating.
Any visual aid is cheating? Any visual aid is cheating.
I got a deal with Jenny.
I can watch as much porn as I want as long as I'm working out.
- Even hard-core stuff? - Yep.
All I know is that if I don't come soon, that I'm gonna physically get sick.
- You can get sick.
- No, you can't get sick.
As a doctor, trust me, I know.
Andre, you're a plastic surgeon.
- Okay? - Yeah.
So the next time I wanna take butt fat and inject it into my penis, I will come to you.
Okay, yeah, I don't do that anymore.
- It's dangerous.
It isn't.
We gotta get going, come on.
We gotta do a thing.
- Where you guys going? - Couples' dinner.
Kevin, let me talk to you for a second.
- Let's go.
We're gonna be late, dude.
I know it's gonna be natural for me to be the topic of conversation tonight.
- Could you just put a damper on that? - It won't even come up, I promise.
It's over, kaput, finito.
Done.
He's got his own place now.
I mean, she gave him all the good years.
Pete hasn't even grown up.
It's not right.
He's not thinking.
He's totally immature.
I mean, you don't just leave your wife.
Everybody fights.
We fight like cats and dogs but You know what? We're not getting a divorce.
No, because this dog loves that cat.
- You know? Woof, woof.
That's cute.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
I love you.
Maybe tonight we could show each other how we love each other.
Mm-mm.
We're not having this conversation.
- I can't talk to her.
- What do you mean? I can't talk to her.
We have nothing in common.
Ask her a question.
Ask her about her dress or where she gets the shoes.
- I'm uncomfortable.
- I know you are but you have to do this.
How's the baby? - He is amazing.
Yeah? Beautiful.
- He's a gift.
- And he gave me a gift.
- The gift of boobs.
Wow.
- Look at those.
Yeah.
- They're gorgeous.
- Those are something.
I've never had boobs this big, ever.
They're wonderful.
- Here, feel it.
- That's okay.
Come on, feel it.
Come on, feel it.
- Oh, yep, they're big.
- Isn't it fantastic? Okay, your wife has more access to my wife's breasts than I do.
How are yours? Did they stay that way, let me see? I would be a little concerned of stretch marks when they're that big.
Okay, all right.
Pete is killing me and his breakup is killing me.
- Okay.
It's killing me too, babe.
It's so upsetting.
The thing is that I wanna let you know is that I'll never leave you.
Well, I don't think Kevin would ever leave me.
- Why's that? - Because I have confidence in my pussy.
Ha-ha-ha! - Um - Sweetheart, that's That's good, I mean - I got a great puss.
- Stop it.
You do.
- You're dropping P bombs.
Can I ask? Do you have great confidence in your pussy, or is this vaginal hubris? - Do you want references? - Yeah.
If he doesn't wanna talk about it l'm pretty sure my ex-boyfriend would tell you all about it.
- Are you out of your mind? - What is your ex's full name? You don't need to know about it.
I am proud of it.
It's a lovely pussy.
You should be proud of your pussy.
Oh, my God.
- How's your pussy? She have a good pussy? Stop it.
I'm sorry.
- Can you stop? - This is so amazing.
We are gonna get you back in the saddle.
Eight years, things have changed, bigtime.
First of all, you can't just go up and talk to a girl anymore, all right? That's out.
You gotta neg them.
- Neg, as in be negative? - Exactly.
Wait.
Watch.
Nice pants.
Makes your butt look fat.
- Okay, yeah, she hates you right now.
- Right now.
Come midnight, she'll be back.
Watch.
I don't think negging is for me, I gotta say.
It's not my speed.
If you're not gonna do negging, do magic.
So you're gonna look me in the eye and tell me that girls at a bar like magic? I'm gonna tell you that everybody loves magic.
- Everyone.
- What's your success rate around here? What are we talking? Hand jibbers? Anything.
Anything at all.
- What's up, boys? - Taco.
- Dr.
Dre, Pete, what's going on? - Not much, what's going on? - Hey, let me buy you a drink, on me.
- No, man.
I don't I don't pay for drinks here.
The bartender's my Eskimo brother.
What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual? What's a Eskimo brother? Eskimo brother.
When two guys had sex with the same girl, they're Eskimo brothers.
Wait, so you guys had sex with the same girl? - Yeah.
Linda.
- How do you know that? You just do.
Guys You have to know what your Eskimo family tree is.
- That's how you get things done.
- It's like your Platinum card? How do you get things done? - We got jobs.
- Went to college.
Yeah, and we make money and we purchase things.
You guys are weird.
I'll pay 5 bucks for valet, but 6.
50 is ridiculous.
- What? - It's too much money for the valet.
- What do you tip? - I don't know.
Oh, my God, you're wasted.
I don't know.
- Oh, look at you.
- Take them off.
Okay, relax.
I'll take them off.
Skinny jeans.
Why? - Let's go to bed, I'm exhausted.
- Come on.
Yes.
Mmm.
No, no, no.
Why? No? - You're killing my confidence here.
- It's not about confidence.
You'll pass out.
It turns into an after-school special.
- I feel weird about this, I do.
- I'm not gonna pass out.
- I'm gonna get you.
- No, no, no, you're not gonna get me.
Oh, my God, you're aggressive.
- This is very, very unlike you.
- I'm gonna show you why I'm so confident.
Just relax.
You're gonna pull something.
Wait a second, where's your leg? - Oh, my God.
Right? - Ha-ha-ha! Oh, my God.
That, keep doing that.
Keep doing that.
Knock, knock, knock.
Oh, well, this place is a shit hole.
- Thank you.
- Bachelor care package.
What is this? DVD on how to save your marriage after an affair.
Thank you.
I didn't have an affair.
I just found it at the gas station, in the bargain bin.
- Hey, you back together with Meegan yet? - I did not.
- Are you having sex with your wife yet? - No, no, I'm not.
- Is there a bottle opener around here? - Nope.
Great.
Look, I know you're just doing this to get, like, a little vacation for your marriage.
But can't you just scurry back for like one week? Being married to Meegan is like being at the beach, okay? You put up with this shit that's completely unacceptable in any other situation.
Except that, "Hey, we're at the beach.
" It's like you're shivering in shorts in But the truth is, some beaches suck.
Some beaches are bad.
You can't see this, because you're still living at the beach, but I left.
I can't go back to the beach, man, I'm done.
What? - You don't think about divorce, seriously? - I mean, I've thought about it.
But I would never do it.
- Why? You have, like, a moral stipulation? - No.
If Sofia and I split up, I would have to spend 100 percent of my time with my kid.
Right now, I'm rocking like 50 percent coverage 30 percent of my time.
You cannot beat those numbers.
Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money making me ostensibly poor yet still paying her to just get pounded by other dudes.
Which will happen because she is still smoking hot whereas I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.
Wow, you have crunched the numbers on this, my friend.
- Hey.
- Now, that is a bachelor gift.
- Look at this guy.
Yeah.
Jenny packed that shit up so that you don't die.
Oh, speaking of Jenny, how is she feeling today? More importantly, how is her vagina doing today? Is it feeling aloof, timid, cantankerous? Wait, wait, wait.
You're talking about his wife's private parts? That's right.
You were not at couples' dinner last night.
Well, let me take you back.
Jenny proclaimed, for all the world to hear that she has great confidence in her pussy.
Now, I, being the curious-natured soul that I am, posited was it actual confidence in her pussy, or does she have vaginal hubris? An excellent question.
It is not vaginal hubris.
In fact, last night she gave me very special sex.
- Special sex! - Special sex! Yay! Is it real? Are there unicorns snowing teardrops of Elton John songs? Yeah, Elton John sang.
- Wow.
- These are twist-offs? Yeah, just Here you go.
Honestly Oh, God.
- Hey, honey.
- Hi, sweetheart.
How was your day? Tough and getting tougher.
Oh, God, my day has been painful.
These things are getting so big from breastfeeding.
- Uh-huh.
- You know? - I do.
- But I gotta work out.
We gotta work out.
You are a hot mama.
- Do you think that they look too big? - No.
At the gym, they're just bouncing around.
I just have to order this new sports bra.
- I think it's gonna relieve me.
- Yeah? Yeah.
What is that? This is the Bounce Test video, and it shows how much support a sports bra gives you.
Isn't it genius? You see? Don't I need it? - I really need it, don't I? - Yeah, sure.
- I mean it's a smart purchase.
- It's a great purchase.
You're very frugal.
Hey, babe, did you print that recipe? Okay.
Hmm.
Hello, message board.
What are you guys talking about? Pete, I thought your life decisions were gonna prevent me from ejaculating again but I have found a porn loophole.
Granted, it's a Bounce Test video for some bra website and the woman has no head, and there's Enya playing in the background.
- Oh, gross.
- But we've What is that? Yo.
This song is dedicated to a very confident woman.
That's right, this goes out to my sister-in-law Jenny.
What, what She's proud of her pussy Her peach Her bearded ham is well groomed Thinks that she's the real deal All other pussies are cartoons Her vagina is a church And her slit is the steeple Her vulva's one of Barbara Walters' Most fascinating people She's got vaginal hubris Vaginal hubris According to her vag All other pussies are useless Vaginal hubris, vaginal hubris Her pussy confidence is unbreakable Like Bruce Willis When I say "vaginal hubris" You yell "Jenny!" God.
Oh, Kevin! - Vaginal hubris Jenny - Vaginal hubris - Jenny I wouldn't go to that doctor.
The story's hard to follow.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm learning some good moves here.
It's called the kidney shifter.
- Kevin? - Yeah.
Why are your friends talking about my vagina on the message boards? - Why are you looking? - Why am I looking? You don't wanna know.
I need to know because I help you out with your team.
Look, you brought it up, okay? I'm defending you.
You're defending me? If you're defending me, sweetheart, take them down.
- I can't take them down.
- You're the commissioner.
No, you don't take things down.
That's like taking a dump on the Constitution.
You don't do it.
It's freedom of speech.
Okay, so you would rather I be upset at you than your friends be upset at you? - No.
- No.
- I don't understand.
- It's not a question - I love you? I love you.
- It's Oh - Why do we have to fight? - Take it down.
- I can't do it.
- Great, fine.
Did you like that thing we did last night? - Yes, I did.
- Yeah? Good.
- Yes, I did.
- Yeah? Good.
It's the last you're gonna get.
You, my friend, are on a sexual freeze.
- That's it.
- What am I supposed to do? Keep working out.
Stay through the money shot.
You could stand to lose a few pounds.
Got your e-mail.
Thank you for coming.
I would just like to say that I don't know what you think you heard about what I was doing on the Internet.
But I was on the Internet supporting my wife as she goes through a difficult time with her body.
Her breasts are swollen in a way that is uncomfortable for her.
No, Ruxin, I can't.
I am done hearing about her breasts.
I am done hearing you talk about my vagina.
- I never talk about your dick.
- Well, can I just say if you wanted to talk about my dick, you should feel free to.
- I don't mind, okay? - No.
Okay, I'm gonna take the wall down for a second here.
- I'm gonna be honest with you.
- Okay.
I'm a new father.
And that is scary.
- Because of work, the pressures I feel - Oh, my God.
Ruxin, you are so full of shit.
You found a porn loophole.
All right.
What do you want? What is it gonna take for you to not talk to Sofia about this? What do I want? I want Peyton Manning.
We'll give you Fred Taylor.
We'll throw in Torry Holt.
You run your husband's team.
- I didn't say that.
- The stories are true.
You are not gonna tell anyone about this meeting.
I will not tell Sofia that you're a pathetic little perv who jerks off to Bounce Tests.
- Deal.
- Deal? - Deal.
- Shake on it? Good man, Ruxin.
- We're done here.
- Yes, we are.
Oh, by the way, you know that move that Kev was telling you about? - Mm-hm.
- Sofia told me about that one.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
I'm sorry, babe.
Hey, what's up? I got a reservation for three, for Nozic.
Nope.
What do you mean nope? You didn't even look at the list.
- Nope.
- Fine.
- Lf it's gonna be like that? - Andre, Andre, I got this.
I got this, I got this.
Hey, man, you know Tiffany? - Crazy Tiffany? - Crazy Tiffany with the piercing.
- No! Eskimo brothers? - Yeah, Eskimo brother.
- Oh, man.
- How you doing? - Almost chipped my tooth on that thing.
- Are we good? - Yeah, you're fine, man.
Come on in.
- Thanks, dude.
Have a good time.
Thanks, my friend.
No problem.
Who is sorry now? Because this was Hey, come to think of it, Tiffany's actually my Eskimo sister too.
She's bi.
I bet you we have a lot of Eskimo brother connections.
You and I definitely have one.
Oh, dude, Patty Lee.
Of course.
L I didn't sleep with Patty Lee.
You dated her for three years.
You didn't sleep with her? I was saving myself.
- For what? - Prom.
Hey, wait a minute, maybe we're Eskimo brothers.
- Yeah, who do you know? - Have you ever slept with your sister? - Heather? - I don't know what her name is, but How did that happen? She was a senior when we were freshmen.
You must have been like 13? - Twelve.
Yeah.
- I slept with Heather too.
- What? - Yeah, in your bed.
- Me too.
- Star Wars sheets? - Star Wars sheets.
- Eskimo brothers.
- Eskimo brothers.
Well, welcome to the family, my man.
- Child, please.
- Whoa.
Eskimo brothers are dumb, all right? - I'm gonna call Heather.
- It's all right.
If you wanna hook it up, I got a sure-fire method of doing it.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's Andre's ATM receipts.
- Whoa.
That's real? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Just be like, "I didn't mean for you to see this.
" "That's personal information.
" Be like, "Here's my card.
Whoops, sorry about that.
" Here's my Dude, dude, I'm gonna be back in five minutes.
I'm gonna go have sex with that girl.
Have fun.
- Can I just? - Yeah, of course, it's yours.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Do you wanna buy me a drink? Yeah, I was just about to ask you the same question.
Can I get a Bud Light and? - I'll have a seabreeze, please.
- Seabreeze.
Are? Are you married? Uh Yes and no.
Uh, let's see.
I am basically finished with dinner, but I haven't gotten the check yet.
No, look, I completely get it.
I'm divorced too, so Wait, you're a divorcée? Well, no.
We don't like to use that term.
- It ages us a little bit.
- Yeah, that's a good point.
- Let me ask you a question.
- Yeah.
Do you hate magic? - Yes.
- Yes, magic sucks.
- I do.
- Yes.
- We're gonna get along - I think we're gonna This is gonna be all right.
We're gonna be fine.
Jenny? - Hm? Ruxin just offered me the best trade ever.
- Really? - I give him Fred Taylor and Torry Holt and I get Peyton Manning.
- Whoa.
- I needed a quarterback.
- That's awesome.
- This is unbelievable.
You You had something to do with this, didn't you? You have that little That little face on.
Little smirk.
What did you do? - How did you get him to do this? - I don't know.
- Oh, God.
- Are you happy? I have never been so in love with you.
- You get your Manning.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so Can we do the thing? The special thing that we did? The thing that You know, if we keep doing it, it's not gonna be special.
Oh, special's overrated.
Oh, ow, ow.
Oh, just be gentle.
I'm sore from working out.
So I talked to my sister, it's true.
She still hot? No, she's like 300 pounds.
- Where were you at, man? - I was having sex with some girl in a Prius.
I love having sex in Priuses because I'm not only having sex l'm saving the environment too.
- It's pretty cool.
- I left you 10 minutes ago.
Hey, look what's going on here.
All right, that's my boy.
She is hot.
- Beautiful hands.
- Hey.
You know Erica? Erica? About 5'10"? Orange dress? Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's super hot, man.
Oh, are we Eskimo brothers? - Yeah.
- She's my girlfriend.
And you're a dead man.
Heh.
Nice Prius.
Retreat.
Peyton's gonna have a huge week.
And I got screwed.
I mean, this is just a joke.
I had Peyton Manning.
Goddamn you, Pete.
This is all your fault, Pete.
Oh, honey.
- Hi.
- Oh, my gosh.
It's affecting you.
- What is? - Pete and Meegan.
- Right? - Yeah.
It's Pete and Meegan.
- Really taking its toll.
- I know.
You know, just Meegan and Pete I hate to see anybody split up, because I You know, I care so much about the sanctity of marriage.
You're such a good man.
- And we need to take care of this.
- How are we gonna do that? Special sex.
So, um, let's turn this thing off and go to bed.
Okay.
The Bounce Test, Ruxin? Size double D, black nude bra? Are you kidding me? No especial sex for you.
Not tonight, not ever.
Oh, God.
It feels like I just have 10 pounds of pudding inside of me.
I can't.
I can't work out with you guys.
This is too weird.
- Yeah, this is weird.
- Yeah, this is gross.
You guys mind leaving?