The League of Gentlemen (1999) s01e02 Episode Script
The Road to Royston Vasey
This is it.
Royston Vasey.
These pictures don't do it justice, Mr Wint.
They do not, Mr Kidd.
Remember, that's before, and this is after.
- Aye, aye - What is it? You tell me.
That's not meant to be there.
Oh, aye.
It'll have to go, Mr Wint.
I'm afraid it will, Mr Kidd.
Shouldn't think it will be a problem.
Sure the locals are friendly enough.
GIRL: Stop! Stop! Hey! I told you to stop.
FROM BOTTLE BANK: Bastard! Good morning, Benjamin! - Morning, Auntie Val.
- Did you sleep all right? Yes, thanks.
Any used tissues you need to dispose of? No.
- Did you meet your friend? - No, I must have missed him.
I was wondering if I might give him a ring, find out what happened.
Of course you may.
Whilst you're staying with us we want you to treat this place like your home.
Just one moment.
Go.
Morning, Mrs Levinson.
There you are, Iris.
I'm so glad I'm going away.
It'll be a building site round here soon.
Gangs of navvies whistling at women with their bums hanging out.
I know, Mrs Levinson.
I've cancelled the milk, the dog's offal and my Tarot woman.
She didn't know I was going away, so she can't be up to much.
But the chicken man is coming on Friday, so don't forget.
Don't you hate going away, Iris? So much you have to remember.
Jaeger suits, Gucci shoes, Chanel bag.
Shall I put these knickers in to soak, Mrs Levinson? - Do you know Antigua, Iris? - Is he the chicken man? No, love.
Antigua, the place in the Caribbean.
Sapphire blue ocean, cloudless sky - Do you travel, Iris? - We were going to Kendal, but I don't ask for much, but the Carpet Warehouse keeps Eddie working like a black, so we can only manage six or seven times a year.
I don't know how some people get by without a break.
Do you, Iris? I'm all passion spent by the time Rikki Lake comes on.
Me and Ron take the dogs for a walk up Plumpton Rocks to unwind.
Taste is a very personal thing.
Look at you and Ron.
I wouldn't stone clad my house.
It'd look like a white filling in a mouth full of rotten teeth.
It's no wonder some people have to drink as much as they do.
Be careful with that nightie.
It costs more than you owe Kay's catalogue.
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
- We've seen most of these.
- Have we? Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen - I haven't seen that.
- I have.
It's really good.
Is it? How many killings? - Seven.
- Is that all? He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy, ugly, sleepy, dopey and bashful.
It wasn't that good.
I don't like that Bradley Pitt anyway.
Too much acting.
Look at these.
- Yes? - Sorry, love.
Are you open? Yes.
Can I help you at all? You certainly can.
I'm Mr Wint, this is Mr Kidd.
- Are you local? - No.
We're working for PQ Construction.
We need to give you these papers.
Ahhh, ahhh! Nothing to be concerned about, just notification that we're building a road.
New road bad! This is a local shop for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
Listen, love.
We're a bit pushed.
All you have to do is sign this and read the document.
Is that a crown you wear? It's just me 'elmet.
'Elmet.
Hi, hi, hi! - Yes.
- Can I touch it? We need to speak to our superiors.
Can we use your telephone? Tephelome? Tephelome Is this one? It's all right, I've got me mobile.
It just needs charging.
Can you show me where your points are? No, no! Edward! What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
- They're strangers.
- Not local? He wears a crown and builds new road.
There's been a misunderstanding.
Your wife is - Local? - Overreacting.
We just need you to look at these proposals.
Look here, we don't need a new road.
This is a community.
We don't bother the outside world, we don't want it bothering us.
It'll be no bother.
Just sign this and you'll never hear from us again.
- You're sure? - Absolutely.
Besides, when the new road is laid, you'll be laughing.
Your shop will be full of people.
Hokey, cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, job seekers.
Before I begin, I know one of the best pens has gone missing.
Can I have it back, please? Thank you.
As you're aware, today we're going to be looking at your career options.
Some of you, like Ross here, will want to follow in your father's footsteps, but you can't sign on forever.
So instead we're going to be looking at sales jobs.
Namely how to sell this.
The Big Issue.
Now, for those of you not in the know, the Big Issue is a magazine.
A bit like Bunty, but written by tramps.
Inside it's got stories and poems, and look, Mickey, love - pictures! - And you, jobseekers - ROSS: Pauline.
The Big Issue's for homeless people.
- But we're unemployed.
- That's right, Colin.
And you can earn a bit of money for yourselves by selling this to real people.
ROSS: Come off it! Just because we're on the dole doesn't mean we're stupid.
Mickey, love.
What is the capital of France? Wine.
Come on, Ross.
On your feet.
I need you for this exercise.
Now then, job seekers.
Imagine, if you can, that we're standing on a busy high street.
I'm an attractive young housewife.
(GIGGLING) And I want Ross here to sell me this.
In your own time.
La, da, da - Big Issue! - Oh, pathetic.
"Big Issue"Come on, Ross.
I want to see you try.
Big Issue.
Help the homeless.
Better, you see.
Now he's got my interest.
Help the homeless.
It's only a pound.
Good! Watch how I'm starting to pity him.
Do you want a copy, then? Ask me nicely.
- Do you want a copy, madam? - Ask me more nicely.
There's no such thing as "more nicely".
All right, look.
If you buy the Big Issue it's for a good cause.
Beg me.
- What? - You heard, Ross.
Beg me.
You need the money, I don't.
Make me feel superior.
- That's no reason to buy it - Beg me.
Be a good little doggy.
- Your job's supposed to be - Sing for your supper.
Beg, doggy! - This has nothing to do - Beg, doggy, beg! - Your job - Beg me, Ross! No! No, I won't! What? I won't beg you, Pauline.
I see.
Sit down please, Ross.
Well, piss off then! Do you want to have a go, Mickey, love? Course you do.
We're in a high street, I'm a housewife.
- Big Issue.
- How much is it? - A pound.
- Have a fiver.
You see, Ross? Do you see how easy it is? It's as simple as Mickey.
You're nothing.
Do you know that? You're worthless.
Less than the shit on my shoes.
I'm extending your restart by a month, and then I'm sending you on a whole series of meaningless courses, and then you'll come back here, and I'm going to re-restart you.
And the rest of you! Buck your ideas up.
Knuckle down! And give me those pens back.
I'll pay for them, let me pay for them.
It's not the money, the money's not important.
Melody Maker, NME, that's 2.
5, please.
Cheers.
Ta-ta.
- What's Pop always saying? - Principles over pounds.
Principles over pounds.
There's a principle involved here.
That's why I've got to say something.
Oh, I'm wiped out.
I can't wait to get on that plane.
I suppose Eddie and I are lucky.
Must be hard for you, living on that estate.
Armies of young mums with eczema and pushchairs, and the men! With that many tattoos their arms look like lumps of Stilton.
I'd be scared to put me head round the door.
Well, we don't go out much.
Ron prefers an early night.
Oh, them's nice panties, Mrs L.
Thank you, Iris.
Eddie got me them in Paris.
- I won't get expensive briefs.
- You should treat yourself sometime.
I get through that many pairs, Ron pulling at them with his big fingers.
Really? Have you packed Eddie's toilet bag? I've given up wearing anything in bed.
There's no point with Ron's libido.
He's like a lad of 19 sometimes.
Fancy.
And I hope you buttoned his shirts before you packed them.
Five, six times a night, and the mornings - When Eddie and I got married - It's always been like that for us.
Like a couple of kids in love, just gets better and better.
He has me doing things that would make a whore blush.
- Sometimes Eddie's in bathing trunks.
- This way, that way.
Some of it barely legal.
I'm lying there thinking: "Will this pleasure never end?" (HORN BEEPING) That'll be Barbara.
Have to check in at the airport.
Did I tell you we're flying Club Class? And that doesn't mean you get a free chocolate biscuit.
Have a nice afternoon here, Iris.
I'll see you in a fortnight.
Bye! Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
That won't leave her many options.
We prefer if you waited 'til after six o'clock.
You see, roadmen.
This is a local shop.
The strangers you would bring would not understand us.
Our customs, our local ways.
Not necessarily.
He said I could touch his helmet if I showed him my points.
Is this true, roadman? No! Very well.
You heard the man, Tubbs.
Get undressed.
Afternoon.
Hello, Hilary.
I see Fleur De Lys is closing down.
I know.
That's your mates from the council putting the rents up again.
Our hands are tied, Hilary.
This town needs some investments.
What about that new road? There might be some news next week, I can't say no more.
I know, Samuel.
More than your jobs worth, eh? Ha, ha, ha! - Have you got them? - Yup.
- Forgot my brolly.
- Right.
Just come in.
Very fresh.
Usual arrangement.
Don't see why not.
Thing is, Hilary.
I know it's wrong.
It just tastes so good.
A chain of newsagents built up from one shop on a council estate.
Five outlets in prime retailing sites and a booth at the War Memorial.
- That didn't fall in Pop's lap, did it? - All right, I made a mistake.
OLD WOMAN OVER DOOR: Where am I? Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen - I've not seen that.
- Black and white? Seen, seen, seen BARBARA: I think I favour internal protection over towels.
Who wants to walk around with a big mattress between your legs all day? - Just drop me off here, thanks.
- Right oh.
Have a nice day.
Mind how you go.
Ta-ta! All right, Choque? Come in.
- Have you met me dad? - No.
Dad? Dad! Dad, this is Choque.
Choque, this is me dad.
All right.
- Is your pal a pop star? - Dad Won't be long.
I'm in a band, yeah.
It's a great life, is rock'n'roll.
Expect our kid told you.
I used to have a band of my own.
Créme Brulee.
Had a good run at it.
Did Eurovision.
- Eurovision Song Contest? - Oh, yeah.
Back in '81.
Heats.
Same year as Bucks Fizz won.
I said to Jay Aston just before we went on: "This is where you shit your pants, isn't it, Jay?" Real good laugh about it.
Right good sense of humour.
What do you think of Gina G? Rubbish, wasn't it? Ordinary.
I says to our Tom: "It'll not win, that.
It's ordinary.
" Eurovision, you've got to communicate.
Look at the Israelis.
Years in the wilderness, all of a sudden: "A Ba Ni Bi A Ba Ne Be".
Genius.
What's your instrument? It's mainly programming.
Drum loops, rhythms, a lot of sampling.
I'll tell you a good outfit: Smokey.
Do you remember them? - No.
- Fantastic songs, really well crafted.
You should give them a listen.
The bassist runs a 16 track by Castleford.
I go over quite a bit.
Tell you what, Choque.
I have a tape of some of my songs.
Ballads, mainly.
- We'll have a listen, if you like.
- Well I'm sure I've got one left somewhere.
If there's owt on there you want, you can have it.
Do it for nothing.
- We don't really do ballads.
- Just take it.
What harm can it do? Let me know I haven't lost it yet.
You could ask your record company boss if he remembers Créme Brulee.
Everyone knew me around here.
I'd walk into urinal and heads would turn.
- See you later, Dad.
- Nice to meet you, Mr McQueen.
Good luck, son.
God bless.
It's a shit business.
You'll find out.
(SCREAMING) Look around you.
What's Pop's formula, Rich? - DPI equals SIN.
- DPI equals SIN.
Determination, plus perspiration, plus inspiration equals success in news agency.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Who was the first newsagent to charge for cards in the window on a daily rather than a weekly rate? Pop.
Who was the first to have the vision to sell Gingster's pasties? Pop! We owe him, Rich.
Now, are you going to tell him or am I? - Please, Al! - It's your decision.
Guess who's here! He, he, he! Where are my boys? Where are my boys? Come on, I'll take you both on.
Eh, come here.
I've got presents for the both of you.
Ahh?! - Thanks, Pop.
- It's OK, it's OK.
So, how are you, eh? The booth is doing good? I drive past on Saturday, there is a queue all the way to the gents.
Doing good, Pop.
And the cold cabinet, cans, cartons, they're selling well? Because I wasn't sure about these Mars drinks.
- They're doing fine, Pop.
- Good.
But I have good news for you, Richie, good news.
Al has made a great success of his booth by the War Memorial.
For many months now I've been searching for another site.
It has always been Pop's ambition: A booth for each of my two beautiful sons.
You know the key cutting cubicle by the indoor market? Well, a little birdie tells me the lease come up in two month.
It's perfect for you, Richie! There's room for a freezer unit, a chill cabinet, and you know what? We keep the key cutting machine! It could open up a whole new area for us.
And not just keys.
Shoelaces, shoe polish, maybe one day we do repairs as well.
Perhaps soon you'll be more successful than your brother.
I'll even start you on the same wage.
3 pound an hour.
What do you say? - There was an incident - Something happened yesterday.
When I was looking after the booth for Al.
What are you talking about? What do you mean "something happened"? - Rich was serving - Richie will tell me himself! Won't you, Richie? I want to hear from your lip what happened.
- It was nothing really, Pop.
- Nothing really, Pop.
Nothing really, Pop! Then why are you shitting in your panties like a little Miss Smart Guy.
Why don't you tell me what this nothing was? Some boys came.
To the booth.
One of them asked for a Snapple, and I had to turn my back to open the chiller.
And when I turned around again, they'd taken all the Maverick bars.
How many? Nine.
Nine Nine, huh? Nine Maverick bars.
And you say this is nothing.
Perhaps you'll say that this is nothing.
Why do you do this to me, Richie? Why do you do this to me? All I want is to make you a man.
A booth of your own.
But how can I give it to you, when you be crying like a child? No, like a baby.
It was a child that robbed you! Look at my face! Look what you made Pop do.
You break my heart, Richie.
You break my heart! Rich really is sorry for what he did.
Why don't we go for a walk, eh? Yeah.
We go for a walk.
Me and you.
Maybe we talk about the key cutting cubicle, eh? You are my son.
My only son.
Benjamin! Did you pass a solid into the upstairs lavatory? Benjamin? HUNTING HORN What are you going to do?! Go! - Edward? - Don't worry, Tubbs.
They won't get far.
Hi, Martin, it's me.
I've been trying to ring you all day.
Where are you? I'm stuck in this shit-hole, I don't know what to do.
I don't suppose things will get any worse.
(SCREAMING) I'd better go, my uncle locks up the house at 8.
15.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Bye.
SPEAKING CLOCK: On the third stroke, it will be 8.
15 precisely.
(BEEP, BEEP, BEEP)
Royston Vasey.
These pictures don't do it justice, Mr Wint.
They do not, Mr Kidd.
Remember, that's before, and this is after.
- Aye, aye - What is it? You tell me.
That's not meant to be there.
Oh, aye.
It'll have to go, Mr Wint.
I'm afraid it will, Mr Kidd.
Shouldn't think it will be a problem.
Sure the locals are friendly enough.
GIRL: Stop! Stop! Hey! I told you to stop.
FROM BOTTLE BANK: Bastard! Good morning, Benjamin! - Morning, Auntie Val.
- Did you sleep all right? Yes, thanks.
Any used tissues you need to dispose of? No.
- Did you meet your friend? - No, I must have missed him.
I was wondering if I might give him a ring, find out what happened.
Of course you may.
Whilst you're staying with us we want you to treat this place like your home.
Just one moment.
Go.
Morning, Mrs Levinson.
There you are, Iris.
I'm so glad I'm going away.
It'll be a building site round here soon.
Gangs of navvies whistling at women with their bums hanging out.
I know, Mrs Levinson.
I've cancelled the milk, the dog's offal and my Tarot woman.
She didn't know I was going away, so she can't be up to much.
But the chicken man is coming on Friday, so don't forget.
Don't you hate going away, Iris? So much you have to remember.
Jaeger suits, Gucci shoes, Chanel bag.
Shall I put these knickers in to soak, Mrs Levinson? - Do you know Antigua, Iris? - Is he the chicken man? No, love.
Antigua, the place in the Caribbean.
Sapphire blue ocean, cloudless sky - Do you travel, Iris? - We were going to Kendal, but I don't ask for much, but the Carpet Warehouse keeps Eddie working like a black, so we can only manage six or seven times a year.
I don't know how some people get by without a break.
Do you, Iris? I'm all passion spent by the time Rikki Lake comes on.
Me and Ron take the dogs for a walk up Plumpton Rocks to unwind.
Taste is a very personal thing.
Look at you and Ron.
I wouldn't stone clad my house.
It'd look like a white filling in a mouth full of rotten teeth.
It's no wonder some people have to drink as much as they do.
Be careful with that nightie.
It costs more than you owe Kay's catalogue.
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
- We've seen most of these.
- Have we? Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen - I haven't seen that.
- I have.
It's really good.
Is it? How many killings? - Seven.
- Is that all? He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy, ugly, sleepy, dopey and bashful.
It wasn't that good.
I don't like that Bradley Pitt anyway.
Too much acting.
Look at these.
- Yes? - Sorry, love.
Are you open? Yes.
Can I help you at all? You certainly can.
I'm Mr Wint, this is Mr Kidd.
- Are you local? - No.
We're working for PQ Construction.
We need to give you these papers.
Ahhh, ahhh! Nothing to be concerned about, just notification that we're building a road.
New road bad! This is a local shop for local people.
There's nothing for you here.
Listen, love.
We're a bit pushed.
All you have to do is sign this and read the document.
Is that a crown you wear? It's just me 'elmet.
'Elmet.
Hi, hi, hi! - Yes.
- Can I touch it? We need to speak to our superiors.
Can we use your telephone? Tephelome? Tephelome Is this one? It's all right, I've got me mobile.
It just needs charging.
Can you show me where your points are? No, no! Edward! What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
- They're strangers.
- Not local? He wears a crown and builds new road.
There's been a misunderstanding.
Your wife is - Local? - Overreacting.
We just need you to look at these proposals.
Look here, we don't need a new road.
This is a community.
We don't bother the outside world, we don't want it bothering us.
It'll be no bother.
Just sign this and you'll never hear from us again.
- You're sure? - Absolutely.
Besides, when the new road is laid, you'll be laughing.
Your shop will be full of people.
Hokey, cokey, pig in a pokey! Good morning, job seekers.
Before I begin, I know one of the best pens has gone missing.
Can I have it back, please? Thank you.
As you're aware, today we're going to be looking at your career options.
Some of you, like Ross here, will want to follow in your father's footsteps, but you can't sign on forever.
So instead we're going to be looking at sales jobs.
Namely how to sell this.
The Big Issue.
Now, for those of you not in the know, the Big Issue is a magazine.
A bit like Bunty, but written by tramps.
Inside it's got stories and poems, and look, Mickey, love - pictures! - And you, jobseekers - ROSS: Pauline.
The Big Issue's for homeless people.
- But we're unemployed.
- That's right, Colin.
And you can earn a bit of money for yourselves by selling this to real people.
ROSS: Come off it! Just because we're on the dole doesn't mean we're stupid.
Mickey, love.
What is the capital of France? Wine.
Come on, Ross.
On your feet.
I need you for this exercise.
Now then, job seekers.
Imagine, if you can, that we're standing on a busy high street.
I'm an attractive young housewife.
(GIGGLING) And I want Ross here to sell me this.
In your own time.
La, da, da - Big Issue! - Oh, pathetic.
"Big Issue"Come on, Ross.
I want to see you try.
Big Issue.
Help the homeless.
Better, you see.
Now he's got my interest.
Help the homeless.
It's only a pound.
Good! Watch how I'm starting to pity him.
Do you want a copy, then? Ask me nicely.
- Do you want a copy, madam? - Ask me more nicely.
There's no such thing as "more nicely".
All right, look.
If you buy the Big Issue it's for a good cause.
Beg me.
- What? - You heard, Ross.
Beg me.
You need the money, I don't.
Make me feel superior.
- That's no reason to buy it - Beg me.
Be a good little doggy.
- Your job's supposed to be - Sing for your supper.
Beg, doggy! - This has nothing to do - Beg, doggy, beg! - Your job - Beg me, Ross! No! No, I won't! What? I won't beg you, Pauline.
I see.
Sit down please, Ross.
Well, piss off then! Do you want to have a go, Mickey, love? Course you do.
We're in a high street, I'm a housewife.
- Big Issue.
- How much is it? - A pound.
- Have a fiver.
You see, Ross? Do you see how easy it is? It's as simple as Mickey.
You're nothing.
Do you know that? You're worthless.
Less than the shit on my shoes.
I'm extending your restart by a month, and then I'm sending you on a whole series of meaningless courses, and then you'll come back here, and I'm going to re-restart you.
And the rest of you! Buck your ideas up.
Knuckle down! And give me those pens back.
I'll pay for them, let me pay for them.
It's not the money, the money's not important.
Melody Maker, NME, that's 2.
5, please.
Cheers.
Ta-ta.
- What's Pop always saying? - Principles over pounds.
Principles over pounds.
There's a principle involved here.
That's why I've got to say something.
Oh, I'm wiped out.
I can't wait to get on that plane.
I suppose Eddie and I are lucky.
Must be hard for you, living on that estate.
Armies of young mums with eczema and pushchairs, and the men! With that many tattoos their arms look like lumps of Stilton.
I'd be scared to put me head round the door.
Well, we don't go out much.
Ron prefers an early night.
Oh, them's nice panties, Mrs L.
Thank you, Iris.
Eddie got me them in Paris.
- I won't get expensive briefs.
- You should treat yourself sometime.
I get through that many pairs, Ron pulling at them with his big fingers.
Really? Have you packed Eddie's toilet bag? I've given up wearing anything in bed.
There's no point with Ron's libido.
He's like a lad of 19 sometimes.
Fancy.
And I hope you buttoned his shirts before you packed them.
Five, six times a night, and the mornings - When Eddie and I got married - It's always been like that for us.
Like a couple of kids in love, just gets better and better.
He has me doing things that would make a whore blush.
- Sometimes Eddie's in bathing trunks.
- This way, that way.
Some of it barely legal.
I'm lying there thinking: "Will this pleasure never end?" (HORN BEEPING) That'll be Barbara.
Have to check in at the airport.
Did I tell you we're flying Club Class? And that doesn't mean you get a free chocolate biscuit.
Have a nice afternoon here, Iris.
I'll see you in a fortnight.
Bye! Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
That won't leave her many options.
We prefer if you waited 'til after six o'clock.
You see, roadmen.
This is a local shop.
The strangers you would bring would not understand us.
Our customs, our local ways.
Not necessarily.
He said I could touch his helmet if I showed him my points.
Is this true, roadman? No! Very well.
You heard the man, Tubbs.
Get undressed.
Afternoon.
Hello, Hilary.
I see Fleur De Lys is closing down.
I know.
That's your mates from the council putting the rents up again.
Our hands are tied, Hilary.
This town needs some investments.
What about that new road? There might be some news next week, I can't say no more.
I know, Samuel.
More than your jobs worth, eh? Ha, ha, ha! - Have you got them? - Yup.
- Forgot my brolly.
- Right.
Just come in.
Very fresh.
Usual arrangement.
Don't see why not.
Thing is, Hilary.
I know it's wrong.
It just tastes so good.
A chain of newsagents built up from one shop on a council estate.
Five outlets in prime retailing sites and a booth at the War Memorial.
- That didn't fall in Pop's lap, did it? - All right, I made a mistake.
OLD WOMAN OVER DOOR: Where am I? Seen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen - I've not seen that.
- Black and white? Seen, seen, seen BARBARA: I think I favour internal protection over towels.
Who wants to walk around with a big mattress between your legs all day? - Just drop me off here, thanks.
- Right oh.
Have a nice day.
Mind how you go.
Ta-ta! All right, Choque? Come in.
- Have you met me dad? - No.
Dad? Dad! Dad, this is Choque.
Choque, this is me dad.
All right.
- Is your pal a pop star? - Dad Won't be long.
I'm in a band, yeah.
It's a great life, is rock'n'roll.
Expect our kid told you.
I used to have a band of my own.
Créme Brulee.
Had a good run at it.
Did Eurovision.
- Eurovision Song Contest? - Oh, yeah.
Back in '81.
Heats.
Same year as Bucks Fizz won.
I said to Jay Aston just before we went on: "This is where you shit your pants, isn't it, Jay?" Real good laugh about it.
Right good sense of humour.
What do you think of Gina G? Rubbish, wasn't it? Ordinary.
I says to our Tom: "It'll not win, that.
It's ordinary.
" Eurovision, you've got to communicate.
Look at the Israelis.
Years in the wilderness, all of a sudden: "A Ba Ni Bi A Ba Ne Be".
Genius.
What's your instrument? It's mainly programming.
Drum loops, rhythms, a lot of sampling.
I'll tell you a good outfit: Smokey.
Do you remember them? - No.
- Fantastic songs, really well crafted.
You should give them a listen.
The bassist runs a 16 track by Castleford.
I go over quite a bit.
Tell you what, Choque.
I have a tape of some of my songs.
Ballads, mainly.
- We'll have a listen, if you like.
- Well I'm sure I've got one left somewhere.
If there's owt on there you want, you can have it.
Do it for nothing.
- We don't really do ballads.
- Just take it.
What harm can it do? Let me know I haven't lost it yet.
You could ask your record company boss if he remembers Créme Brulee.
Everyone knew me around here.
I'd walk into urinal and heads would turn.
- See you later, Dad.
- Nice to meet you, Mr McQueen.
Good luck, son.
God bless.
It's a shit business.
You'll find out.
(SCREAMING) Look around you.
What's Pop's formula, Rich? - DPI equals SIN.
- DPI equals SIN.
Determination, plus perspiration, plus inspiration equals success in news agency.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Who was the first newsagent to charge for cards in the window on a daily rather than a weekly rate? Pop.
Who was the first to have the vision to sell Gingster's pasties? Pop! We owe him, Rich.
Now, are you going to tell him or am I? - Please, Al! - It's your decision.
Guess who's here! He, he, he! Where are my boys? Where are my boys? Come on, I'll take you both on.
Eh, come here.
I've got presents for the both of you.
Ahh?! - Thanks, Pop.
- It's OK, it's OK.
So, how are you, eh? The booth is doing good? I drive past on Saturday, there is a queue all the way to the gents.
Doing good, Pop.
And the cold cabinet, cans, cartons, they're selling well? Because I wasn't sure about these Mars drinks.
- They're doing fine, Pop.
- Good.
But I have good news for you, Richie, good news.
Al has made a great success of his booth by the War Memorial.
For many months now I've been searching for another site.
It has always been Pop's ambition: A booth for each of my two beautiful sons.
You know the key cutting cubicle by the indoor market? Well, a little birdie tells me the lease come up in two month.
It's perfect for you, Richie! There's room for a freezer unit, a chill cabinet, and you know what? We keep the key cutting machine! It could open up a whole new area for us.
And not just keys.
Shoelaces, shoe polish, maybe one day we do repairs as well.
Perhaps soon you'll be more successful than your brother.
I'll even start you on the same wage.
3 pound an hour.
What do you say? - There was an incident - Something happened yesterday.
When I was looking after the booth for Al.
What are you talking about? What do you mean "something happened"? - Rich was serving - Richie will tell me himself! Won't you, Richie? I want to hear from your lip what happened.
- It was nothing really, Pop.
- Nothing really, Pop.
Nothing really, Pop! Then why are you shitting in your panties like a little Miss Smart Guy.
Why don't you tell me what this nothing was? Some boys came.
To the booth.
One of them asked for a Snapple, and I had to turn my back to open the chiller.
And when I turned around again, they'd taken all the Maverick bars.
How many? Nine.
Nine Nine, huh? Nine Maverick bars.
And you say this is nothing.
Perhaps you'll say that this is nothing.
Why do you do this to me, Richie? Why do you do this to me? All I want is to make you a man.
A booth of your own.
But how can I give it to you, when you be crying like a child? No, like a baby.
It was a child that robbed you! Look at my face! Look what you made Pop do.
You break my heart, Richie.
You break my heart! Rich really is sorry for what he did.
Why don't we go for a walk, eh? Yeah.
We go for a walk.
Me and you.
Maybe we talk about the key cutting cubicle, eh? You are my son.
My only son.
Benjamin! Did you pass a solid into the upstairs lavatory? Benjamin? HUNTING HORN What are you going to do?! Go! - Edward? - Don't worry, Tubbs.
They won't get far.
Hi, Martin, it's me.
I've been trying to ring you all day.
Where are you? I'm stuck in this shit-hole, I don't know what to do.
I don't suppose things will get any worse.
(SCREAMING) I'd better go, my uncle locks up the house at 8.
15.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Bye.
SPEAKING CLOCK: On the third stroke, it will be 8.
15 precisely.
(BEEP, BEEP, BEEP)