The Legend of Vox Machina (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [creatures chittering.]
[Krieg.]
Look sharp, son.
We're in for one hell of a battle.
General Krieg, is it true the Shale Steps fell? Aye.
And the monster is still unknown.
But you are the Arms of Emon, entrusted by Sovereign Uriel with the safety of the realm.
We don't need to know the enemy, we only need know ourselves.
Our training, our devotion to this land.
No matter the danger, victory is ours if we fight with honor and raise our swords on high.
You heard the General.
For Emon.
- As one! - [all.]
As one! [scoffs.]
What a load of shite.
Best finish making camp.
A storm's blowing through tonight.
[bird calls out in distance.]
[gasps.]
[man.]
Is that [captain.]
Eyes up.
We've got incoming.
[snarls.]
Stand your ground.
Archers, make ready.
- Let loose! - [man.]
Fire! [screaming.]
Ready the catapult! Release! [cheering.]
- Yeah! - Yeah! [whooping.]
[snarling.]
[screaming.]
[whimpering.]
Fuck honor.
[panting.]
[screaming.]
[roaring.]
[birds chirping.]
[Uriel.]
And you saw it? - What did this? - [Krieg.]
The beast is a blue dragon, sire.
Only a few of us managed to escape.
My Gods.
Allura, you've dealt with such creatures in the past.
How do we fight it? Oh, that was a red dragon, years ago.
But to my experience, dragons are fiercely intelligent, calculating creatures.
Their machinations run deep.
[door opens.]
Ah, Sir Fince finally joins us.
I hope this crisis hasn't kept you from your skulking.
I've been gathering intelligence we sorely lack.
Seems your band of fools have gone missing.
Safe to say you've sent Vox Machina to their doom? Doom? We don't know the meaning of the word.
Uh, I certainly don't.
Sovereign, hold on to your goddamn crown.
We've discovered that the monster is none other than a blue dragon! [all.]
We know.
Did you kill it? I wouldn't say "kill," really.
We're still kind of working on that part.
[laughs.]
I can't believe you made it out alive.
How did you survive? Mm, trade secrets, I'm afraid, Kriegy.
We hid and it flew away.
[laughs.]
Wait.
- How did we survive that? - [grunts.]
- [high-pitched ringing.]
- [Fince.]
These blabbering fools are useless, sire.
Perhaps if we made an offering to the dragon.
Gold in exchange for peace? Why don't we shake its hand and offer it a fucking pint while we're at it? A dragon cannot be bartered with.
If it desires Emon's destruction, it will not relent.
You heard her, sire.
You know what must be done.
But what if it attacks the city? We'd be sitting ducks.
What would you have me do? Let it burn more farmland, slaughter more innocents? No.
We will bring the fight to it on our terms.
General, you may move our soldiers at dawn.
But sire, you know as I have made my decision, Lady Kima.
This council is adjourned.
[guard.]
All right, you heard him.
Clear out.
[Pike.]
Hey, hey, hands off.
I'm leaving.
Geez.
Uh, don't kill it before we do.
Y-Your offer's still on the table, right? [guard 2.]
Yes, you are Oh, yes, you Oh.
[low groan.]
I felt it again, that same feeling I had around the dragon.
[low grunt.]
There must be a connection.
One of them is working with that fucker.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, yeah.
I bet I bet it's Allura.
I never trust anyone prettier than me.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I knew it.
- No, you dipshits.
Fince.
- The creepy one.
Looked like a withered piece of scrap leather? Oh.
[chuckles.]
I didn't catch anybody's name.
So, what do we do next? Vax and Pike go to Gilmore's.
Buy us a weapon that can kill a dragon.
Uh, with what? We're flat fucking broke.
Please, with the way that man dotes on you, I'm sure you can work something out.
The rest of us will split up and search for Fince.
If you find him, don't let him out of your sight.
That sounds like a plan.
But, uh, you're not the only one with ideas, Vex.
Is that so? Please Scanlan, tell me yours.
- [growls.]
- [yelps.]
Uh, I'll tell you when I have one.
[man.]
You have entered a realm of mystery, of magic, of marvel.
Welcome to Gilmore's Glorious Goods! Enchanted curials and magical artifacts at discounted prices.
I take gold, silver, platinum [gasps.]
Why, if it isn't the mysterious Vax'ildan? [laughs.]
Oh, I was hoping you would swing back through again.
[laughs.]
Glad to see you've lost none of your charm, Gilmore.
[laughs.]
Oh, listen to you.
Don't.
Stop.
I can't take it.
- I've missed your visits.
- [Pike clears throat.]
- Hi.
- So, are you here on business or pleasure? Uh, business, I'm afraid.
We need information on blue dragons.
Hmm? Particularly, how to kill them.
Well, for 20,000 gold, I'll sell you this handy-dandy magic Lance of Dragon Slaying.
A fantastic bargain.
[chuckles.]
We can't presently afford such a weapon, but perhaps some advice for a tiny fee? Hopefully what you're offering isn't too tiny.
I-I suppose size isn't everything.
We need to know if blue dragons have any weaknesses.
Weaknesses, eh? Well, to start, they're egomaniacs.
They hate being insulted and have tremendous vanity.
[chuckles.]
Not that I can relate.
- [both chuckle.]
- Hi.
Still here.
Is there any way to stop them? Honestly, there's no simple way to kill a dragon.
Even in tomes of old, legends of their destruction are largely poetic drivel.
- [Pike coughs.]
- Ah.
"The Wyrm shall only find defeat in the gorge where the twin rivers meet.
" See? Cute, but Useless.
While dragon anatomy is a topic for many a scholar, anyone close enough to find out seems to get themselves - snapped up.
- [grunts.]
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but you get what you pay for.
Gilmore, this is all very helpful.
Even the bullshit.
If we survive this [chuckles.]
I owe you dinner.
You owe me more than that, my handsome half-elf.
[Pike.]
All right, you two, foreplay's over.
We should probably go find our friends.
[sighs.]
So, um, what were we supposed to be doing, again? I don't know, searching for Fince or something.
- God, this is boring.
- [women giggling.]
[gasps.]
Hold up.
You know where that creepy little taint-raisin would be? The brothel.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we can investigate there for hours if we need to.
Yeah, but, won't Vex be kind of pissed if we ain't doing what she said to? I don't give a wet fart what she thinks.
Clearly, I'm the brains of this operation.
Really? 'Cause she told me you have "dick for brains," which doesn't seem possible.
[groans.]
You know what, screw Vex and her stupid feather head.
I'm going to the brothel.
[gasps.]
[stammers.]
[gulping.]
[Scanlan.]
It's that thin-lipped crypt keeper.
- Come on.
- [belches.]
[Grog.]
Hey, can you see him from up there? [shushes.]
That way.
Across the street.
He's sneaking up to that fancy manor.
- Oh! The fuck Fuck - Hmm? Okay.
That skanky goat groper is up to no good.
You keep an eye on that house, I'll go get the others.
Right.
Can you pick me up a sandwich on the way back? What? A sandw No.
I'm not going on a food run, dummy.
[whimpers.]
Please? [sighs.]
what do you want? Mmm.
[grunting.]
So good.
[sighs.]
Sturdy lock.
Nothing a little magical song can't handle.
[clears throat.]
Open your back door, baby Loosen your hinges, I'll show you my key Damn.
That usually works.
What if I heat the metal and melt the lock? [grunting.]
What the hell, Keyleth? This is imported silk.
The lock doesn't seem to be magical.
I'm not sensing anything.
Can you people do nothing right? It's just a damn door.
Hmm? [grunts.]
Hmm? All it takes is a little finesse.
Amateurs.
That was my toothpick.
Wow.
This place is fancy.
Apparently Krieg lives here.
And has dreadful taste in art.
Oh, shit.
I bet Fince is here to assassinate his ass.
Oh, you think? Why don't you three head to the second floor? Scanlan and Grog, search the attic.
- Vax and I will start here.
- [clicking.]
Or maybe we all just go check the cellar.
[Scanlan.]
Aha! We caught you blue-handed, chicken humper! Drop your blade.
What? No, no, you don't understand.
I'm not stealing anything.
Of course you're not.
And that sword isn't to murder General Krieg with, either, right? Pike, I think it is.
You must listen to me.
These documents are evidence.
General Krieg is planning to [shouts.]
[gasps.]
[Vex.]
What? - [Vex.]
Krieg! - [Vax.]
Krieg! Nice bloody technique.
How do you stay so quiet in that armor? [high-pitched ringing.]
[exhales.]
Oh, no.
[shouts.]
He's the one, in league with the Of course it was me.
I championed you because you're a bunch of witless oafs who no one gives two shites about.
You've been lucky so far, but you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into.
I've got him.
Finesse, huh? Krieg! He's gone.
Quite the keen observation, Scanlan.
There must be a hidden exit or trap door.
Fan out.
Look for some kind of fulcrum.
Wait, a fuck room? I mean, that's what I heard.
A lever, a button.
Just stand over there, Grog, and don't touch anything.
Whoa.
You guys, everything in this room is magical.
Where do we even start? Oh.
[gasps.]
Oh, my.
Oh, how booty-ful.
[gasps.]
This guy really has a thing for dragons.
[Grog chuckling.]
Grog, it's rude to stare.
- Grog, you're being gross.
- [chuckling.]
[grunting.]
Oh! Keyleth, you found it! It's a portal! [exhales.]
Nice work.
Brilliant, really.
[chuckles.]
Oh.
It was nothing.
She threw a book at a head.
It was nothing.
[gasps.]
My arms.
Scanlan, lookit! [gasps.]
They're in the booty.
That is so cool.
Listen, if we're gonna fight Krieg, we have to do this as a team, all right? Organized.
As one.
Please, we [chuckles.]
We don't do organized.
Look at us.
We're Vox Machina.
We fuck shit up.
Can we at least try? Can we at least go, already? Lead the way, big man.
[groans.]
You know what, guys, uh, good luck.
I'm just gonna keep a lookout from here.
[shouts.]
- [shouts.]
- [shivering.]
So cold.
What is this place? High in the mountains, I'd say.
[Vax.]
Wherever we are, we're far from Emon.
[Scanlan.]
No way.
- [shivering.]
Gold.
- [gasping.]
- Gold.
[laughing.]
Gold! - [Grog laughing.]
Seems excessive for a council member.
Seems excessive for anyone.
- [Grog.]
Yeah! - [chuckling.]
[grunts.]
Magic scrolls, jewels, potions.
Is this a troll dick? Think of all the ale I could buy.
Buddy, we could be drunk for weeks.
Days, even! You know what, Uriel can keep his paltry payment.
We're rich! Wait.
Wait, wait, wait! This gold didn't fall out of the fucking sky.
This is a horde! - We're in the dragon's lair! - [grunts.]
Those are pretty.
But also ominous.
[gasps.]
[otherworldly voice.]
Intruders.
[rumbling.]
I didn't do that.
Did I do that? I don't think I did that.
[groans.]
[Krieg.]
I must say, I'm impressed.
To tell you the truth, I was certain you would die the moment you met the mighty Brimscythe.
But it seems some vermin are harder to kill than others.
You-you wanted Uriel to send the entire army out of Emon.
So your dragon friend could wipe them out.
The Age of Man is coming to an end.
There was a time when dragons ruled all of Tal'Dorei, when we ruled the entire world.
Did he just say "we"? [growling.]
[roars.]
Didn't see this one coming, did you, Vex? [growling.]
- [screams.]
- Grog! [grunts, groans.]
- Are you all right? - Um, no.
- [Brimscythe roaring.]
- [all screaming.]
A tickle.
Let me return the favor.
Shit.
[exclaims.]
Aah! [grunts.]
Fools.
I'll devour you all.
Huh? [sniffs, growls.]
Pike? Pike? Pike? Pike?! Pike?! - [screams.]
- [grunting.]
[both grunt.]
- Look out! - [grunts.]
Vax, did Gilmore give you any insight on how to kill this thing, or did you two flirt the whole time? Shit.
Right, right.
Uh, uh, dragons are vain, arrogant, - egotistical [grunts.]
- [growling.]
[Vex.]
I know that already.
I studied them, remember? - [grunts.]
- Doesn't matter.
We can't do shit if it's in the air.
[Vax.]
"Where the twin rivers meet.
" The neck.
You see that? We have to get it on the ground.
Vex, do you hear me?! Yes! This way.
I've got a plan.
- Aw, another one? - Shut up.
[gasps.]
Look, okay, for once, you were right.
Maybe we don't fight as one.
Maybe we do what we do best.
What? We have no best.
[Brimscythe cackles.]
So, what do you want us to do? Run out and yell, "Hey, dragon man, we don't know what the fuck we're doing"? [growls.]
Ha! You think you can hide in my lair? Hey, taint smear! You're in my way again, you ape.
What'd you call me? Maybe I'll squash you, too.
Oh, as if either of you could kill anything.
A preening, peacoated peacock and a witless goon.
[Percy.]
You watch yourself, peasant.
If the three of you will shut up already and let me kill this inflated windbag [growls.]
Kill me? I am the iron storm.
You are nothing but insects! [all scream.]
[laughs.]
Pathetic.
[Brimscythe.]
What? - Impossible! - [Scanlan clears throat.]
- Gotcha.
- Now! [Keyleth.]
Oh, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
You got this.
[grunts.]
[panting, grunts.]
[roars.]
[panting.]
[grunting.]
Scanlan's Hand! [grunting.]
[roaring.]
Light him up, Vex.
[screams.]
I will sunder your bones.
- Look who's nice and low.
- [sneers.]
I would like to rage! [roaring.]
[shouting.]
[all grunt.]
[Grog groans.]
Is he dead? [Chuckles softly.]
We did that.
We did that, right? It seems being a bunch of assholes has its merits.
[Grog grunts.]
- Souvenir? - [scoffs.]
Proof we killed the scaly turd.
Huh.
You know, you're a lot smarter than we give you credit for, Grog.
- Yep, I'm a genius.
- Huh? - Aw, fuck this day.
- Oh! - Exit strategy? - Run! [Scanlan.]
Wait! The-the loot! [grunts.]
[groans.]
Damn it! We got him, kid.
[Uriel.]
Vox Machina, for your selfless heroism, I proclaim you all Protectors of the Realm and honorary members of the council of Tal'Dorei.
I know.
I can hardly believe it myself.
[all laugh.]
Oh, how I've missed respectability.
Yes, yes, yes, that's all fine and good, but where is the Ah.
There we are.
[chuckles.]
Payday.
Uh Keys? Parchment? - Where's our reward? - [Uriel.]
You're holding it.
The deed to your new keep here in Emon.
We need our protectors close at hand to, you know, protect.
- [gasps, chuckles.]
- [chuckles.]
Uh-huh.
Uh, hypothetically, if we sold it, how much do you think that Okay.
Sister, we have a home.
Wait till I tell my father.
Oh, the Ashari will never believe this.
I bet I'm ruining a moment right now, aren't I? Yep, I'm just gonna go over here now.
As protectors, you must understand that the threat is far from over.
We suspect Krieg may have been part of a larger plot.
As such, I have arranged an important banquet to discuss the security of our realm.
It'll be quite delightful, really.
We have a wonderful cook.
We trust you will all attend.
In fact, several dignitaries should be on their way as we speak.
- [horse neighs.]
- Huh? L-Lady Briarwood, there's something blocking the road.
Can you go around it, Desmond? [man.]
Allow me, my love.
[leaves rustling.]
[chuckles.]
[bandit.]
Well, ain't this a lucky night.
Looks like royalty to me.
What do you say, gang? [whimpers.]
Oh, he's a fancy one.
We want everything you and the missus got unless you want to be gutted like a fish.
What, are you deaf or something? Empty your pockets.
Aah! [gasping.]
The fuck?! [grunting.]
- [whimpers.]
- [gasps.]
[screams, grunts.]
[door opens.]
I hope it wasn't too much trouble, Sylas.
Delilah, my dear, - it was nothing.
- [whip cracks.]