The Letdown (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (SIGHS) WOMAN: You going? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Won't be a sec.
Just so you know, these spots are reserved for parents.
Yeah.
I have a baby.
With prams.
Parents with prams.
See the sign with the little wheels? That's a pram.
No, that that's the universal symbol for parents.
No, the pram is the symbol for a pram.
I do have a pram in there somewhere.
Yes, but you're not using it.
You're using a carrier.
You don't have a pram, so you can't park here.
OK.
What about disabled parking? You don't have to have a wheelchair to be disabled, do you? You can be very disabled and not have a wheelchair.
My mother had her knees done, didn't even have crutches.
Got one of those stickers, held on to it for months.
Just move your car, please! Yep.
- Actually, I'm not going now.
- What? Yeah.
I think I need to go to the chemist.
Oh, get fudged! Just swear! The word's 'fuck'! Sorry.
Sorry, darling.
But she was an arsehole.
"Frankenstein" 2x01 Nov 01, 2017 Jesus.
Ow.
Oh, God.
Stupid! Come on.
Oh, you piece of shit! Not you, darling.
Sorry.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
(LAUGHS) Oh.
OK.
(EXHALES HEAVILY) Ooh! Ooh, goodness.
Ooh! Oh, this pram, I swear.
Oh ooh, it looks like it's missing the safety clip on the brake there.
What? I don't think so.
Yeah, I heard these Indonesian copies - No, this is Danish.
- Oh S sorry.
My mistake.
- Oh, good.
- (STEVIE: FUSSES) Hey, darling.
You're OK.
- Let's go.
- Yes, let's go to the Whoopsies.
(LAUGHS) Ow.
Tizzie, Save Our Sleep.
It's great.
Saved our sex life, saved our marriage.
I cannot recommend it enough, this one.
Uh, Ester? Well, Ruben wanted me to bring in his favourite, Baby Love, but I also brought in my favourite, The Woman's Working Handbook, which is great 'cause, you know, it really helped us work out our routine.
I let Ruben think that it's his routine.
And what about our new mum, Georgia? Did you have a chance to bring a book? Yeah, I did.
So I co-slept with my parents for ages, really, but this is my co-sleeping manual.
Ooh, did you know 93% of parents co-sleep in Asia? Yes.
Thanks, Georgia.
But let's not pretend there are no risks, like smothering.
- Martha? - MARTHA: Yes, um (CLEARS THROAT) I love this.
It's all about the brain, and it shows the different stages of development.
Hmm.
How about that? (SIGHS) Sophie? SOPHIE: Um Why don't you just pick your favourite? They're all great, but my favourite's actually an app.
- Is that alright? - Yes.
Um Track My Baby keeps track of everything and helps me to organise all of Ziggy's key moments so I can easily share them.
Plus it has the most amazing baby photo filters.
I cannot take a bad photo.
- BARBARA: Take one of us.
- Alright.
- Show me.
- No, that's a bad example.
- Yeah.
No, don't post that.
- I'm not going to.
- God, that'd ruin your perfect feed.
- Yeah, I know.
Audrey? What's your book? (LAUGHS) Did you read the email? Subject "Book club, favourite books"? Yes, I read that bit.
Did you read the body of the email? May not have read the body of it.
Right.
Um but it's not entirely off topic.
It's a cautionary tale about creating a monster, so I actually marked a bit for us.
Um Yeah, listen to this.
(LAUGHS) "By the dim and yellow light of the moon, "I beheld the wretch, the miserable monster whom I had created.
" (LAUGHS) It's funny.
It's beautiful prose.
I'm sorry.
I'm very tired.
I've been doing a lot of night driving.
Stevie seems to think we live in the northern hemisphere.
But I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to read something other than the parenting Any other babies with day/night confusion? - Nup.
- No.
- No.
- Really? - No.
- Nuh.
Oh.
And what does Mary Shelley have to say about sleeping patterns? Uh very little.
Yeah, the monster doesn't really sleep in the book, just like mine.
(LAUGHS) SOPHIE: These are really good with sleep.
You're welcome to borrow any of them.
Yeah, reference books just kind of take me back to exams and my year 12 addiction to Sudafed and instant coffee.
I prefer fiction.
ESTER: Well, you might wanna try something other than 19th Gothic if you wanna break the driving habit.
Uh, Sophie, lend her one of your sleep books, will you? Look, it's fine.
They're a bit self-helpy.
Thanks, but I don't need the books.
Can I help you with anything? Uh anything you can recommend? Depends on your style.
What are you? Attachment? No.
(LAUGHS) Hmm crummy mummy? It's very hot right now.
Free range, helicopter, smum? What Smum? What? Smart middle-class uninvolved mum.
Well, I'm smart ish.
- Who comes up with this stuff? - Mmm.
Tiger mum's there.
Uh French stuff is there.
Ooh, that sounds like me.
- But I think they smack.
- Do they? - Mmm.
- No.
Oh, what is it specifically you're looking for? Uh sleep.
Anything to do with sleep or routine.
Whoa.
(LAUGHS) Got any crib notes for that? You mean cheat sheets? Well perfectly acceptable form of exam prep in my day, but, um Hang on.
I might have something.
Hang on.
Oh, great.
Audrey! - Hi! - Hi! You getting some non-fiction after all? - No.
- No? No.
Just getting a bit of, um the - Gay and lesbian erotica? - Yes.
- Oh.
- I love it.
- Oh! (LAUGHS) - You what are you? I'm looking for Georgia's book.
I don't I don't have that one.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Here it is.
Uh no.
(LAUGHS) I don't think That's not (WHISPERS) Go away.
- Audrey - Yep? - I think that was for you, wasn't it? - No, no.
Borrow my books.
Don't waste your money.
They're in my car.
- No, you'll need them.
- No, I won't.
- Well, you might.
- He's sleeping through.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, you mean like 11:00 to 5:00 or something? - No, no, - like 7:00 to 7:00 every night.
- Oh, wow.
Is he? - Yeah, I know.
Amazing.
(LAUGHS) Well, she's the same, just the other way round.
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) Um well Sure.
Yeah.
May as well give it a go.
Great.
Thank you.
Ooh.
Did you want to get your erotica? - No, I've got heaps.
That's - Oh, OK.
- .
.
fine.
Thanks.
- (LAUGHS) (PHONE RINGS) "Divide your day into five-minute intervals.
" - Five-minute what? - Oh, nothing.
Hi.
Hey, um there's no chance that our pram is a knock-off, is there? Um - No.
- Well, it's got a missing part.
We'll need to get it fixed.
Really? That's bad.
I'll, um I'll sort it, OK? Great.
Oh, can you get some instant coffee on your home? I fancy one.
Yep.
Excellent.
OK, love you.
Bye.
Alright, bye.
(WHISPERS) Fuck.
"Do not buy from this guy.
" "Everything he sells is fake.
" Guspop3, you piece of shit! Sorry.
Hi.
Why are you sitting in the dark? Huh? And why is there foil on the nursery window? It looks a bit like a crack den.
- It blocks out the light.
- Where'd you get that from? Sophie from mother's group.
Oh, what? She's not supposed to be up! Well, she was crying and I haven't seen her all day.
Don't make eye contact! You'll overstimulate.
Turn your head! Turn your head! What? What's all this? It's controlled crying.
It's a sleep training thing.
We're gonna start leaving her in the cot.
We let her cry, we go in at intervals.
Not 35-second ones.
Read this.
Well, are you sure that's a good idea after the natural childbirth stuff? I mean, didn't you say these parenting books were all self-help bullshit? Yeah, I did say that, but she's failing mother's group.
She's the best looking, but she's the worst one there.
Oh, who cares? I mean, it's not a competition.
Yeah, that's what losers say.
Look at us doing a routine.
I'm excited.
Hey.
- Controlled crying.
- Controlled crying.
Gonna be good.
Night.
- Good luck.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
So two minutes, four minutes, six minutes.
Yep.
That's it.
I've got the thing.
Good.
(STEVIE CRIES) - I'll go.
- Come on.
Go.
Get the thing.
Alright.
- So two minutes.
- Yep.
Then I go in and pat her till she's asleep.
(CONTINUES CRYING) Oh, so I don't it for the two minutes - It's not two minutes patting? - No, two minutes crying.
- Yep.
Cool.
OK.
- Go.
Go, go, go.
(CONTINUES CRYING) Two minutes.
Good luck.
(SILENCE) - (QUIETLY) Nice one.
- Why didn't we do that weeks ago? (FLOOR CREAKS) - (CRIES) - (SIGHS) OK, so we're doing it straightaway again.
- Yeah.
- Two minutes? No, four.
We've only just come back from a two.
This is her first night.
This is the second time, so that's four.
It's four minutes.
I'm the one who read the book.
Oh.
Did you read the book? You haven't mentioned that for two minutes.
(CONTINUES CRYING) - I'm sorry.
- How long's it been? (WAILS) Um I'll start now.
Sorry.
- That's been at least two minutes.
- It's not.
Like, it Oh, shit.
Well, I'm just going in, 'cause that is way too long.
Well, you're gonna waste your turn, aren't you? What are you doing? Were you sleeping? I I've got fucking RSI and you're out here sleeping? - (LAUGHS) - Well, you can pat next.
Why I am doing all the patting? (CRIES) - (THUMP!) - Oh, fuck it! - (CRIES) - What are you doing? - I just missed the - I nearly had her fucking asleep! - Yeah.
- (CRIES) Oh, fuck, turn it off.
- Alright.
- (CONTINUES CRYING) (CRIES LOUDLY) - So six minutes? - Six minutes.
- Six minutes.
- What are you doing? Gonna have a lie-down for five and a half.
Uh, I don't think so.
(CRIES) I know it sucks.
Aud, Aud No.
- I can't - We said six.
You said six and I said I'd stop I said I'd stop Sweetheart, please don't.
Just get my keys! I'll drive her to sleep.
OK.
I'll get your keys.
(CRIES) Morning, darling.
Do you, uh wanna come inside? We have, uh fresh water, full bathroom facilities.
Five more minutes.
Just OK.
I'll get you a coffee.
(PHONE CHIMES) Hmm.
Another flawless photoshoot.
Is it Sophie? It's like she gets her hair done before bed.
Oh, yeah.
It's alright.
(CRIES) Oh, fuck, no, please Maybe we should quit and just bring her into our bed tonight.
Yes! I'm exhausted.
Thank you.
OK.
That was a test and you just failed.
What? You're testing me now? Yep.
Because last night was a disaster.
We have to do better.
- No.
- And by we, I mean you.
But you started crying at the five-minute mark.
Yeah, I can't control that.
I've got the crazy hormones.
I think I'm the only one that wasn't crying.
OK? Just hide my car keys or disconnect the engine or something.
- We're doing it! - Alright.
Righto.
So where do we start? Six minutes? - No, we go back to two.
- No.
Last night doesn't count.
We have to reset.
Actually, maybe we should do the tougher version.
Five minute intervals, no touching, shushing only.
(CONTINUES CRYING) - (HOARSELY) Water.
- What? I need water.
I'm very parched.
- I've been shushing for hours.
- Rightio.
I'll get you a drink.
Yeah.
- (THUMP!) - Oh! Jeez! (CRIES) Oh, my God! I have been in there for an hour with her just I'm sorry.
My leg went to sleep.
- Idiot.
- No, no, no.
You said 10 minutes.
That was your fault.
Like the pram! What has the pram got to do with sleep training? They're disappointments that are mostly your fault.
Let me in.
(CRIES) I bought the pram on eBay.
- What? - I bought the pram on eBay.
There's every chance it's a fake.
But you bought that fake handbag and you love that.
That was a functional tote.
It had all those pockets.
Your fake could have killed her.
OK.
I'm going.
(COOS) - (PHONE RINGS) - MAN: Oh, Gene speaking.
JEREMY: Hi, Dad.
- Mum there? - Oh, yeah.
Just a second.
WOMAN: I'm here, darling.
How are you? Yeah not good, Mum.
Not good.
I'm really shattered.
Oh, darling.
Did you guys ever do that controlled crying? Oh, that back and forth nonsense? No.
Just let her cry it out.
I mean, I just need a break.
I mean, we both do.
- You know? - Well, what about Verity? Can't she help? Verity is useless.
She's like Her advice would be, "Oh, go to a day spa.
Relax.
"Go to a hotel sometime.
" Like, her advice is fucking useless.
I don't even understand why I even I'm sorry, Mum.
I shouldn't have sworn.
How are you? Uh, well, your Aunt Bess died last night.
- Oh, really? That's no good.
- Uh, no.
- Mum, I gotta go.
- OK.
OK, love.
Bye, darling.
(PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES) Oh.
- Sophie.
- SOPHIE: Hi, Audrey.
- How was your night? - Really good.
Really good.
I think Yeah, I think we've broken her in.
(GASPS) Amazing! What are you doing for social outing tomorrow? What am I doing for social outing tomorrow? I am going to Toddler Time at the library, I think, or I I might take her to the park.
'Cause I mean, there are other kids there, so that might Do it.
You wanna come to the mums and bubs movie? - Yes, I do.
- Great! - Ruben and Barb are coming too.
- (QUIETLY) Oh, shit.
Haven't checked what the film is How did that get there? .
.
but Ruben says that they are always rom coms.
He goes every week.
He loves it.
RADIO: It's certainly crazy We can go today We can go tomorrow - Where'd you return it to? Indonesia? - Pretty much.
Well, I hope you got your money back.
What are they? Noise-cancelling.
Perfect.
No pram, headphones.
Nice work.
(CRIES) (SCREAMS) Why can't we have her here, in our bed? - (CRIES) - You said 93% of Asians co-sleep.
- Have you got a deathwish for Stevie? - No.
Do you wanna read about the risks? - Look.
- OK Sleep training, protecting against developmental delay? - That one? - No, not that one.
Just How many articles did Sophie send you? (CONTINUES CRYING) Oh, God.
I am useless.
I'm, like, seriously bad at this.
I think maybe I peaked when I was 13.
I was really popular.
I was You know, I won a history and an English medal.
I had a job at the Hard Rock Cafe.
That was the height for me.
Oh, don't be stupid.
Look, I OK.
I think the crying it out version might still work.
How can I possibly do that version when I can't do the old version? (CONTINUES CRYING) I can't do anything right.
I I never have baby wipes on me.
- Oh, come - I never do.
Hang on.
If we're honest, she's being the dickhead now.
Not us.
Don't call her a dickhead I shouldn't have called her a dickhead.
- We're the ones who can't - I'm angry, I'm She's not a dickhead.
Sorry.
- You know what I told Sophie? - What? I told Sophie that she slept from 8:00pm to 6:00am.
- Just bold lies.
- (CHUCKLES) I said that we did social time, and it was just me on social media for an hour.
She's meant to be crying it out, not you.
I'm a horrible person.
You're not a horrible person.
I bought a fake pram without brakes that when I tried to return it, I got headphones.
Yeah, well, I am stunting her development.
Did you read that? I think I'm worse.
Well, we've both done some things.
I'm probably worse than you.
I mean, I'm I should've told you this before.
During the birth when things were really, really grim, I What? I promised God that I'd baptise Stevie if he made everything OK.
And I haven't done it.
- And he might get mad - Or she.
Or she might get mad.
- You being serious right now? - Yes.
I should do it.
OK.
I'm done.
We don't believe in God.
It's hard to shake.
Also, that watch I bought you for Christmas is fake.
(SIGHS) Any thoughts on that? Nuh? Didn't think so.
(CRIES) (SILENCE, WHITE NOISE) (MUFFLED) We did it! - (CRIES) - (SNORES) Oh, shit! - Oh! - Whoa, sorry.
Sorry! (CRIES) What is that smell? Is that mum eating pad thai? What's wrong with that? Well, it's just an unspoken cinema rule.
The only smell should be popcorn.
And choc tops.
It's 'cause there's no airflow.
Absolutely.
So entitled.
Uh check the creepy guy.
(BABY CRIES) Why would you come to this session? He's probably a tight arse.
You know, tickets are cheaper, right? Oh, gross.
That is so creepy.
Do you know that 5% of the general population are paedophiles? - Really? - Yeah.
- That's a lot.
- Yeah.
I don't think he's here for the babies, though.
He's here for them, boobs.
Yeah.
Yeah, if you were a guy with a lactating fetish, this'd be the place to be.
Absolutely.
Yep.
Think I just caught him.
This is not OK.
Audrey, can you cover up? Not right now.
Ruben, is that that guy from Magic Mike? - Don't know.
- No, that one.
- Magic Mike.
- I don't know, Barb.
I don't know.
Yeah, it is.
It is? Yeah.
Oh, that that was great.
Easy.
- At the end? - Yeah.
- That was the whole point of that.
- Had no idea.
- I made a complaint.
- About pad thai mum? Good! No him.
Um what? I don't know if he was actually looking at me.
Well, why is he here? Did you know that one in four women will suffer some form of sexual assault? If you include Stevie, that could be one of us.
I don't think statistics work like that.
Well, his mo isn't helping him out.
Nor are those shorts.
Why do paedos always have mos? - That's weird.
- It is weird.
Children are attracted to moustaches.
- Attracted? - Are they? Yeah.
Well, they're drawn to them.
- My kids hate it - when Neil grows a moustache.
Yeah, I thought they cried.
I wonder what the ratio is of paedo to mo? - Hi.
So, uh which one was violated? - She was.
- Um, Audrey.
- Cool.
So he wasn't checking out your boobs.
The reason he was in the closed captions mums and bubs session is 'cause he's deaf.
- Oh.
- Oh, he's deaf.
- Yeah, right.
- Yes.
- That totally makes sense.
- OK.
Right.
Uh, thanks for that.
- Hope you enjoyed the movie.
- Yes, darl.
Oh, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.
Look busy, look busy, look busy.
Hello.
Good film.
I'm I'm so sorry.
Ooh-uh! I am so sorry.
- Well, - it doesn't mean he's not a sex pest.
- Shorts.
- Yeah.
And that sign could've meant "Rock on.
" Yeah, pretty sure I know what it meant.
Oh, my God.
- It's fine.
- Oh.
- I - Oh, love.
Yeah Excuse me? Sorry? Uh I spilt my drink.
Oh, course you did.
Thanks! Fuck! (KNOCK AT DOOR) You OK? Can I come in? Do you need my shirt? I could give you my shirt if you - Hi.
- Hi.
- OK.
- (SNIFFS) Thank you.
It's fine.
You can keep that, really.
No, no, I'll have it dry-cleaned and returned to you.
(SOBS) I'm a mess.
Oh, Soph, no.
Look, from the waist up, you are Perfect.
Like seriously.
Look look at Can I just show you something? Look at this.
Look at that.
Look at that! That's just backlighting and, like, a Valencia filter.
Is it? Valencia? Well, that's amazing.
It's not amazing.
It's fake.
It's all it's all fake.
- It's not.
- It is.
I'm looking at it, it's not.
And, look, Soph, you know all the things.
You know, the pram, you were right about the pram.
It's a fake! Yeah, I know.
It was like it was really obvious.
- Was it? - Yeah.
Oh.
And look at this, you Look at that little boy.
You have trained a baby to sleep.
I would happily have a bit of the incontinence to have that.
I would give it to you if I could.
(CRIES) You know, I um I'm sorry.
I've been lying about the whole sleep training thing, which is weird, I know.
I'm sorry.
But I am useless at it.
Nearly broke our relationship, so Yeah.
Same.
Ziggy Senior stayed in town at the W for, like, the whole time.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Well, that makes you more amazing.
- (LAUGHS TEARFULLY) Yeah.
Really sucked.
Yeah.
You know, fuck it.
What are you doing? I'm posting.
Your wet undies? Ha.
Ah, the first like.
Are you gonna leave a comment? Oh, yeah, sure.
Um Yes.
Uh, what would you? Oh, whatever you Maybe that that it's brave and and very common.
Or, like, whatever you whatever you want.
You know, uh that's good.
Yeah, I'll Like Hashtag #1in3women suffersomeformof incontinenceafterchildbirth.
# Istandwiththem.
That's good.
It's a little bit long, but, um I'll think of something punchy.
- 1 in 3, did you say? - Hashtag #1in3.
# 1in3.
What can I Do you wanna - Do you want me to? - Here, I'll just do it for you.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
"'Swept into the sea by the winds, "'my spirit will sleep in peace.
"'Farewell.
'" "He was soon borne away by the waves and lost in darkness and - More Frankenstein? - (QUIETLY) Shh! (WHISPERS) She loves it.
That's the second time she's fallen asleep to it.
Oh, God.
Isn't she perfect? Yep.
She is.
Sometimes.
I mean, she's Hey, thanks for helping with the sleep training.
- That foil? - Oh, that stays.
- It's great for day naps.
- Yeah.
Looks good.
- Mmm.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) Oh, I'll get that.
I wanna check the order.
Remember last time? It was all curry and no rice.
OK.
Surprise! Hi.
Where's that little granddaughter of mine? Mum? Anything can happen when you're just like me I'm running carelessly through a maze How unexpected I'm under lock and key In a world of relentless passion Anything can happen When you're just like me I'm running carelessly Through a maze How unexpected I'm under lock and key In a world of Relentless passion