The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e02 Episode Script

Ah.
Timothy, come on in.
- Hey, boss.
- I have a small favor to ask of you.
- Okay.
- If the firm ever gets audited, if you ever find yourself under direct interrogation - by a government official - Yeah? I need you - I don't like where this is going.
I need you to say your name is - Tim Sanchez and that - What? - And you are the VP of North American Sales.
- That's a small favor? - Tim Sanchez.
- Why would I say that? - These watchdog groups are saying we don't have enough minorities in upper management.
Yeah, but I'm not Hispanic in any way.
- You realize that, right? - Listen.
It's just a technicality.
- Yeah.
- It's paperwork for the books.
If that's all it is, what do I actually do? You just sit there, you look Mexican.
- And then I go home.
- And you continue to look Mexican.
It sounds easy, but I don't picture this ending well.
Thanks for the chat, Tim.
- Amy? - Yeah? It's the day we've been waiting for.
- How so? - I got the promotion - Tim.
big time.
Come on, you tell me that all the time - and then it just never works out.
- Amy, you ready for this? You're looking at the VP of North American Sales at Omnicorp.
From assistant to VP of Sales? Straight straight to the North American VP.
- Why you? - They like my look.
- Your look? - They singled me out from the crowd and said, "That guy, let's fast-track him to the top.
" Well, I mean, then we need to celebrate, right? Let's go out.
I'll take you out.
Money's no object.
Oh, how about that cute little French place? How about any Mexican place? All the executives eat Mexican.
That's what I'm learning.
Oh, is that my new Hispanic VP of North American Sales - with his feet up on the desk? - Hey, boss.
Doing one heck of a job, Tim, I have to say.
- I am.
- Great job in your new position.
- I'm not doing anything, but - Yeah, but you really you look very Mexican.
Keep up the good work.
- I'Il I'll do my best.
- We want some publicity out of this - Okay.
- So we need you to attend a dinner - No.
- Yes for the Newly-Appointed Minority Business Leaders of America.
- Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! - Yeah, um So you just sit in a crowd, they'll say your name - and you'll just wave.
- I'll just wave.
Yeah, just wave and look vaguely Latino.
- This is a very easy job.
- It's perfect for you.
Well, welcome everybody.
Um, first order of business: We're sticking with NAMBLA.
Just letting you know.
Well, we spent quite a bit of money in letterhead, so we're just we're backing that play for right now.
But basically, we're here to applaud Omnicorp for not only promoting an African-American as it's CEO, but for now promoting a Latino as its VP of Sales.
Let's get a little applause.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's it.
Just keep with the Mexican waving.
That's good.
You're doing great, Tim.
Yeah! Now let's see if we can get Tim up here to say a few words.
Oh, no, I prefer to just wave.
Get up here, you Hispanic son of a bitch.
- No.
- Tim, up here on the stage! You know, I'd love to, but I do not habla ingles.
- Okay.
- I do not speak your language.
- No problem.
No problem.
- No problem? We can get a translator up here.
- No.
- Do you speak Spanish? Um, a little.
Enough to get through - an inspirational speech probably.
- Tremendous.
Give it up for Timothy Sanchez.
Hola.
Hola.
Hola.
Hola.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Three questions I want.
Where is the bathroom? The bathroom is good.
Chicken and rice.
- Gracias.
- Thank you.
- Hola.
- Hi.
All right, people, huddle up.
We're in disaster mode here.
No one believes Tim is Hispanic.
- I can't believe it.
- This is a PR nightmare.
Okay, ideas.
What do we do? Well, Omnicorp could admit blame - and issue a formal apology.
- You're you're fired.
- Awful idea.
Next.
- I think I've got an idea.
- Go.
- He forged his work visa, this "Tim.
" - Hmm.
- He lied to all of us and the firm, and Omnicorp is absolutely shocked and appalled by this news and then just have the son of a bitch deported.
- I love it.
- No.
I did not think we'd find a solution this quickly.
Let's fast-track that idea.
Somebody call Immigration now.
Tim, call Immigration.
I'd rather not.
Let's keep thinking.
Tim, the deporting idea is great.
- No.
- We ship you back to Mexico.
The whole thing blows over.
We can order lunch.
It's a win-win for everyone.
No, it's win-Iose.
I lose.
- We win.
- Yeah, let's just hear everyone out.
- I think we've heard it all.
- Let's throw it all out.
What's - There are no more ideas.
- Charlie? - I have an idea.
- Oh, boy.
- Let him talk.
- Okay, just listen to this.
- He's got ideas.
- Yeah.
- Nobody's stopping him.
- I suppose we could, umm - work our media connections - That's great.
and we could send him on a cable news show, put a Latino wife by his side and that should convince most people.
- That's good.
- That could work.
- Tim - Yeah? can you find a fake Latino wife - by tomorrow night? - Can I? I can find one or my name is not Tim Sanchez.
Your name is not Tim Sanchez.
Here goes nothing.
Maria? Hi, it's Tim.
We went to junior high together.
This is going to sound like a slightly strange request, but I'm going on a talk show tomorrow night and I need someone to pose as my fake Latino wife.
Maria? This is surprisingly difficult.
- If it isn't my favorite customer.
- Oh, Debbie.
- Hello.
- What are you doing here? - Well, I'm working.
- Really? - This is my street.
- This is my street too.
- I work where you live.
- That's true.
Do these pants reveal enough of my rear end? I'm going to say yes.
- Ooh, that sounds good.
- I can see the whole thing.
- Really? - 90%.
Moon's coming up and everything? Yeah, that's more than enough.
Oh, hey, what ethnicity are you? - I'm a lot of things.
- Yeah? I'm black and white and I'm from New Jersey Secaucus.
- Okay.
- And also Secaucus is not an ethnicity, but you know what? My question is, can you pass for Hispanic? Oh, many people tell me I look like J Lo.
- That's Jennifer Lopez.
- I can see that.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm going on a talk show tomorrow and I just need a fake Latino wife.
- Oh, do you want me? - You'll be the fake Latino wife.
- Oh, my goodness! - That's great, right? - Oh, I'd love to go, Tim.
- Nice.
Do you have something appropriate you can wear? Oh yes.
I'll just wear my business suit.
- Here it is.
- That's the that's the business suit? - Oh, I love it.
- It's assless.
- Yes, it has no ass.
- I wish it did, to be perfectly honest.
Oh, I thought that was the best part.
Surprise.
It's a nice surprise.
I just don't think we can go on the show like this.
Okey-doke.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Sanchez, we are ready for your segment.
It is go time.
- Oh oh oh! Let's go.
- It's go time.
Big smiles.
Big smiles.
Welcome back to "Donny Deutsch and the Big Idea.
" I'm here with Tim Sanchez.
You're one of the most successful and influential Latino businessmen in corporate America.
What is your secret, Tim? Well, Donny, as you may have heard my English is not very strong and my Spanish is not strong either.
- Wow.
- I don't speak either language - particularly well.
- That's the secret to success? I'm a simple man from the hills of Mexico, and I just hopped the fence and ran up to New York.
- Okay.
- Now I'm the VP of Sales - For a Fortune 500 company.
at a major corporation.
- Wow.
- I'd have to say the real reason for my success is this woman, my Hispanic wife right here.
- Hello.
- We met in a - In a cantina.
in a cantina.
- Good memories.
- Mrs.
Sanchez.
Hello.
Any thoughts on your husband's success? Well, it's like they say: Behind every great man is a great woman.
- Oh, that is so true, Mrs.
Sanchez.
- They do say that.
And Donny, behind every great woman - is a great behind.
Check this out.
- Oh.
- Oops.
- That's a big idea.
We're gonna we're gonna go to a break.
It looks like I'm smuggling midgets.
Go ahead, Donny, slap it.
- I'd rather not.
- He doesn't want to slap it.
We'll be right back on "Donny Deutsch and the Big Idea.
" - Go ahead, slap it.
Whoo! - Please put that away, Mrs.
Sanchez.
- Tim.
- Hey.
Yeah, hey.
We saw your performance last night.
- What did you think? - "Donny Deutsch" has been canceled.
- They canceled the show? - The FCC came down extremely hard.
- Why, because of the ass? - What do you think? I told her.
Yeah.
I was kind of surprised she wore that.
Well, the irony is it worked out for us.
Your wife was a huge hit.
- Really? - Go ahead, research guy.
Well, let me lay it out this way.
Hispanic women love her.
We've never had a market share like that.
- Really? - Yeah! Just because of the naked ass? Yes, we're just doing cartwheels here.
- Right.
And you, Tim - Wow.
- You have become a tremendous role model.
- A role model? - A role model for kids who can't speak English and have no desire to learn the language.
You have shown them how to reach for their dreams.
That's great.
That's really worked out.
I'm still the VP of North American Sales.
No, we're promoting you again.
- This is amazing.
- You're the VP of International Sales.
That's crazy.
What am I even qualified? - What do I do day to day in that role? - Qualified.
You are qualified right now just by being the Mexican beauty you are.
I just keep doing that for the indefinite future? And you'll do well at this firm.
Tim, I want to make a toast.
- Okay.
- Two promotions in two days.
- Crazy.
- It's it's amazing.
The VP of International Sales.
Who would've guessed? - I'm really proud of you.
- Thank you very much.
This is Mr.
Sanchez? - Mr.
Tim Sanchez? - What? - No.
No.
- Tim.
Tim Sanchez.
- No, keep moving.
- Yes.
I think you have the wrong - We saw you on TV - Oh, yes.
with your lovely wife.
- Oh, that wife.
- What? - So who is this whore? - This whore? - I'm his girlfriend.
- No, you a filthy whore.
- No, she's not filthy.
- Tim, what's going on? - We saw the wife.
- You are white girl.
- This is an outrage.
As soon as you succeed, - you take up a dirty white mistress.
- Typical.
- I spit on you.
- No.
Tim! - What happened here? - I spit on her again, yes? - Yes.
- No! - I'm going to be sick.
- I should interject at this point.
You think? I will send this photo to the newspapers and show the true Tim Sanchez.
- Okay.
- You disgust me.
- I'm sorry.
- And you, you should be ashamed.
- Tim Sanchez? - You know what, Amy? Let's just forget that even happened.
- Yeah, not gonna happen.
- Let's enjoy our meal.
No, I'm done.
Wow.
It's not easy being a successful Latino businessman these days, - you know? - Tell me something I don't know, man.
So, Timothy, how are you connected to this whole shindig here? - This shindig? The wedding? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I'm Amy's boyfriend.
Her sister's the bride.
Oh.
Oh, that's wonderful.
- It's nice.
- That's fantastic.
- Yeah.
- Listen, Tim.
I'm a very unconventional priest.
- Really? - I like to have a little fun with the ceremony, is all I'm saying.
- Fun? - Just a little joke, maybe.
Okay, where you going with that? When I ask if there are any objections, all right, I want you to stand and I want you to shout - I don't like where this is going.
- You're gonna love it.
I want you to stand and I want you to shout "Hells yeah, I object.
That woman is my biatch.
" Excuse me? - You'd call her a biatch.
- No.
- Why not? - I wouldn't call her that on a non-wedding day.
- Well, it's funny.
- No, that's not.
- It would get a big laugh, Tim.
- Amy won't laugh.
- You don't think? - I can promise you that.
- I'll tell you who will laugh, Tim.
- Who's that? - The Lord.
- The Lord? - Make the Lord laugh.
- I don't want to make Him laugh today.
- Yeah, you do.
Yeah, you do.
- Not today.
- He's not in the mood.
- He'll get a big kick out of it, Tim.
Trust me.
He'll be pissing in His Lord pants - right up there on His throne.
- You think? He might.
He might crap.
- You are a modern priest.
- I really am.
And so I ask, does anyone here object to the holy union of these two children of God as they stand before us proclaiming their love? I do.
What's this? Tim? Uh, hells yeah, l I object.
That, uh, woman's my biatch.
My I forget the line.
Wow.
I'm gonna sit.
You thought it would get a laugh? I had my doubts.
The priest it was his comedy.
Tim, now my parents have met you twice.
First time, - prostitute in our apartment.
- Yeah.
Now you object to their daughter's wedding? I'm not batting 1,000.
I'll admit to that.
There he is.
There's the comedian.
Listen.
Can I just apologize? Mm-hmm, Jimmy Durante himself.
- Who? - Mr.
Alan King in the flesh.
I don't know these references.
I get the gist of where you're going with it.
- I know it's a put-down.
- I'm watching you.
I just don't know who Alan King is.
I'm gonna have the lightest beer you have.
And Father, you don't drink, do you? Me? No.
No, son, I don't allow Satan's juice to pass my lips.
- That's smart.
- But what the hey! Get me a Johnny Walker Black on the rocks with a double Johnny Walker Blue on the side, and don't skimp on the Johnny.
You're gonna try the Johnny.
- You know, Tim, I like you.
- Yeah? That's good.
- You're a funny guy.
- Thanks.
Nice girlfriend.
Looks so sexy in that little bridesmaid's outfit.
- What? - Look at her work that fanny.
- A gift from God.
- Excuse me? What does a woman's body feel like, Tim? - Is it soft? - Yeah, it's pretty soft.
- Mmm.
- This is a weird conversation.
- You feel like it's weird? - A little bit.
I'm just saying that I envy you, Tim.
That's all.
- You envy me? - I want your life.
No.
Your joke has me in big trouble.
- With who? - With everybody at the wedding.
- Oh, relax, Tim.
- Amy's parents.
No, I'll put in a good word for you, Tim.
- You'll put in a good word? - Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- You saved the day.
- Mm-mmm-mmm.
- That fanny just doesn't quit, does it? - It really doesn't.
Mmm.
Listen, I know you're upset with me, but the priest wants to just have a little sit-down with you.
- With me? - A little one on one.
He wants to vouch for my character and tell you what a good guy I am.
Well, Timothy, I'm a fair man.
I look forward to what he has to say.
Great.
Let me know how it goes.
Okay, party people, listen up.
- That's not good.
- I want to say a few words right now.
Not about the newlyweds blah blah blah but about my new buddy Timbo.
Timarino.
Tim-a-lim-a-ding-dong.
Come on, Tim, you know who you are.
Stand up.
Okay, so Tim told an off-color joke.
What's the big whoop? He's an upstanding man.
Over at the bar, Tim was teaching me to drink a Johnny Walker Black.
I believe it's a whiskey.
He explained what it feels like to touch a woman who's wearing no clothes, and I'll be damned if that doesn't sound like some fun.
Boobs in your hand.
Naked boobs.
Anyway, long story short I'm leaving the priesthood, pronto! Thank you, Tim, for showing me the way and the light and the truth.
I love you, Tim.
- What have you done? - Oh, and real quick since I quit the priesthood today, the wedding technically doesn't count.
My bad.
- Tim.
- Yeah? My parents are furious.
- What? - My sister's in tears.
- This is a mess.
- Why, because the priest quit his job? He's drunk.
Look at him.
I can't control his drinking habits.
You need to go talk to him and you need to fix this.
All right, I'm on it.
I'm gonna go talk to the priest.
Now.
You don't feel like dancing, do you? I can't this is a bad time to ask, right? Oh, I've got a confession for you, foxy lady.
I thinks you're a foxy lady.
- Hey, there's my buddy Timbo.
- Hey.
What's up, sweet Timbarino? Father, I'm in big trouble here with Amy's parents.
- You want my advice? - No, I did not come for advice.
- Two words, Tim - Yeah? body shots.
- Body shots? Go rub some salt on Amy's mother's neck and start licking her neck.
Then you eat half a lime and spit the seeds into her mouth, Tim.
- You think that'll fix it? - I don't know.
- Sounds like fun.
- Not good advice.
Tim, does whiskey have alcohol in it? Because I'm beginning to feel a bit tipsy.
- Are you joking? - Nope.
This isn't going to end well, Timbo.
This is not gonna end well.
I think the priest is drunk.
Ah.
He'll be fine.
Listen, I don't mean to eavesdrop or anything, but I've been to a lot of weddings.
- Yeah? - Go talk to the grandmother.
- Why? - She's the elder statesman in the family.
If you get in good with her, - everybody will love you.
- That's actually great advice.
Excuse me, I don't think we've met.
- Oh.
- Are you Amy's sister? - Oh, you! - Are you one of her sorority sisters? - You stop being silly now.
- Silly? You're a sweet thing, but I'm Amy's grandmother.
- No.
- Yes.
That's crazy talk.
You're not older than Amy.
You are really being silly now.
I'm 82.
Please, you look like you're 11.
You look like a beautiful, well-endowed 11-year-old girl.
You know, Timothy, it's awfully warm in here.
Would you be so kind as to just wheel me outside for a little air? All right, let's do it.
Let's wheel you outside.
Hold on hold on tight.
Whoa.
Have you met, Timothy? - He's positively charming.
- Oh, please.
While everyone else was off dancing, he took the time to talk to me because he knows I can't dance.
That was, uh, very thoughtful, Timothy.
Yes, it's very sweet.
It was thoughtful and sweet.
And now, if you'll excuse us, I'm going to continue wheeling your mother around the premises - and show her a good time.
- Mm-hmm.
Good evening.
Maybe we misjudged him.
He does seem like an awfully nice kid, I guess.
- Oh, Timothy.
- Yeah? - You remind me of my first husband.
- Really? That's nice.
We met at this very hotel in 1942.
Wow, that must be a very special memory.
It was a clear night, just like this one.
Wow, and you met your husband.
That's great.
Mmm, it was the first time a man's hand ever touched my boobs.
- What? - I said it was the first time my boob was in a man's hand.
Story took a weird turn.
Oh, Timothy, help me relive that magic night.
- No.
No.
- Go, squeeze my boobs - No, please.
just like my handsome husband did - in 1942.
- I'm sure he squeezed them, but you've gotta leave the past behind.
Stop being a pansy and just do it.
Okay, we're doing this over the blouse, right? - Yes.
- Okay, here it comes.
- Mmm.
- How's that? - Oh! - Is that doing it for you? - Keep squeezing.
Don't - All right.
- Don't stop.
- Just keep - keep the volume down.
- That's just - That's it.
- Oh, it reminds me of that night.
That's a little loud.
That's a little loud.
- Oh! Oh! - This may be a weird time to say it, but they're not bad.
These these have held up.
I can't even imagine.
- Oh.
- These things must've been sick.
- Oh.
Oh, yes.
- You know, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little aroused in a weird very weird kind of way.
- Jumping Jehoshaphat! - Tim! - What are you doing? - We're we're reminiscing.
Timothy, she's asleep.
She was not asleep a minute ago.
Trust me, she could not have been less asleep.
Come on, Grandma, wake up.
It's Tim.
- Stop it.
- Tim! - It's Tim.
- Timothy, stop it.
- Just remove the chair.
- I think you've done enough - for one evening.
Stop right there.
- All right.
- Honey.
- It's your mother.
I've got to apologize for that one.
- I can't believe you.
- I wanted your parents to like me.
So you wheeled my grandmother outside and squeezed her left boob? - L - Who are you? I'm not the guy that squeezes old ladies' boobs.
- Yes, you are.
I saw it.
- No, that's not who I am.
I don't want to be remembered that way.
Too late.
You know, I should never have objected to the wedding.
Once you do that the day can get away from you pretty fast.