The Loop (2006) s01e02 Episode Script

Jet Blue, Song, Southwest.
What do they have in common? They're all hip, they're young and they've got us drunk in the backseat with our prom dress over our head.
But I am not letting some quarterback take my V-card without getting a little skin under my fingernails.
So we're starting a low-cost carrier.
Marty, what do you got? Uh, well, our research shows us that the youth market responds to single-syllable men's names.
United has Ted, Apple has Mac.
There's even some guy out there with a list called Craig.
So we propose that our new low-cost carrier be called Jack, Jack Air.
Short, direct, hard "K.
" Keep going.
Here's some slogans we've come up with: Chicago toJamaica Jack it to paradise.
[Snickers.]
We'll take out print ads in Parenting magazine Leave the kids with Grandma.
- Jack it alone.
- [Snorts.]
We've even got a three-way tie-in with Caesar's Palace and Bose.
Jack it to Celine Dion with our new headphones.
[Hysterical Laughing.]
Thesis, what's so funny? Nothing, sir.
I'm sorry.
You're giggling like a Japanese schoolgirl.
No.
It's just "jack," as a verb, put with "it""Jack it.
" Forget about it.
Marty, I apologize.
Uh, we're buying banners at AOL Instant Messenger: - Jack your whole buddy list for half price.
- You can't do it.
I'm sorry.
You just can't do it.
It means something you don't want it to mean.
- What is it? - Russ, that joke you love about the monkey and the sailor? - [Laughing.]
- Huh? God.
Marty, you're out.
Thesis, you're taking over the low-cost carrier.
Wh l I'm head of the division? You got three days to put a plan together.
- New name, new marketing, the whole Enchirito.
- Yes, sir! [Rock.]
- [Man Singing Rock.]
- [Muttering.]
- Oh, God.
- [Continues.]
You guys! You guys! Sam's on his way in.
Let's do that thing where we all pretend we don't know who he is, and he'll think he's crazy.
It'll be really funny.
Oh.
! Here he comes.
Here he comes.
- Shh.
Shh.
- Hi, Sam! Oh, shoot.
- Nice! - I got a promotion.
- No way! - Hot panties! I'm in charge of a new youth-oriented low-cost airline.
I gotta start working on it.
I don't know.
Kids flying airplanes? That can't end well.
- But congratulations, I guess.
- Hi, guys! Awesome shower.
[Man Rapping.]
[Sighs.]
You know the earrings that were on the sink? Yeah.
Those are from my great-great grandmother.
They fell in the toilet.
But don't worry! I fished them out.
They're almost totally as good as new.
- Oh.
Great! Still wet.
- I'm so, so sorry.
Jenna, do not apologize.
You are a guest in this house.
- If you want to murder us in our sleep, you do it.
- [Jenna.]
That's sweet.
! - Hey.
Who's the new guy? - I'm Sam.
This is Jenna, my B.
F.
F.
From bartending school.
- She's staying here for a couple of days.
- Sammy.
Sammy.
Oh, you might want to be careful with this table 'cause maple's a soft wood.
- Soft wood.
- I'm working at the bar tonight.
You guys should come out.
Yeah, I could buy drinks for everyone courtesy of Saco Borosso Tequila.
- Oh, you work for Saco Borosso? - Isn't that awesome? And she can party harder than anybody I've ever met.
Well, except for Katie Couric.
That bitch can drink.
- Sam, come with us! - Oh, I can't.
I've got a ton of work to do.
Oh.
I see.
You only go out on the weekends.
My dad does that.
- Believe me, I go out a lot more than that.
- Whoo! I just I gotta work.
Hejust got a promotion.
Come on! It'll be fun.
- I'd love to, but I just can't.
- Meow.
Meow.
What is that? Meow.
[Gasps.]
It's a little pussycat.
! What's your name, pussycat? Sam? Oh, does pussycat Sam have to work? Very funny.
If I get done with my work, I'll be able to go out with you tomor - [Meowing Continues.]
- [Beckman Whines.]
One drink.
[Hooting, Shouting.]
- Yeah! - I'm gonna live forever! [Cheering.]
[Man Singing.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
[Man Singing In Spanish.]
[Laughing.]
So, you're a V.
P.
At Saco Borosso.
Stands for "Veteran Partyer.
" I go around the bars to promote the brand.
Basically, I get paid to drink.
Wow.
That sounds like an awesome job.
Beats the balls off my last gig analyst at Citibank.
Hundred-hour work week with major douchers.
- Not cool.
- I couldn't take it, so I quit.
And now I get paid to do this.
- [Screams.]
- [People Cheering.]
I can't get overJenna.
We started out learning how to cut limes together, and now she's so successful.
She goes around to bars handing out free tequila to drunk people.
I know.
! I try not to getjealous.
It's just human nature.
- I need to make a move.
- Aren't they looking for a new manager here? Ooh.
I can be a manager.
How hard could it be? - Can I get a vodka and tonic? - Just take the bottle.
Yeah, I really think I could do it.
- Hey! - Hey.
Do you want to compete against me in the Saco Borosso Tequila Challenge? - What's that? - It's part of my job.
You compete against me in 10 different challenges.
You know, who can eat what when, who can stuff what where.
The last one is a race in Cabo on a baby burro.
Yeah! I could call in sick tomorrow and tell my boss I'm in a Mexican burro race.
Come on! Just do the first one.
It takes 10 minutes.
Who can eat the most eggs? Those are eggs? I thought they were pig nards.
Ten minutes, Sam.
Let's do it.
No way in hell.
I gotta go home.
I have a ton of work to do tonight.
- Meow.
- Oh! [Man Singing Punk.]
[Man Whooping.]
- Let's go, Jenna! - Twenty-eight! - [Lizzy.]
Nineteen.
- [Continues.]
- Twenty-four eggs for Sam.
- Thirty-three forJenna.
- Time.
! - I win! - Yea! Congratulations.
You're a pig.
- I want a rematch! - But if you lose again, I get to draw all over your body.
- What? Why? We found that without consequences, some morons will do this over and over again.
- No offense.
- Sam, you need to go home and work.
- One more, and then we'll leave.
- Ready and go! Yeah! - [Continues.]
- [Sully.]
Let's go.
! - Time! - I win! - Pig.
- Lift up your shirt, loser.
- [Whimpering.]
- Oh, Sammy.
[Continues.]
[Groans.]
[Both Moaning.]
You guys wanna go home or keep watching? - Keep watching.
- Oh, that's gross.
That's my brother.
Wait a minute.
All right.
We can keep watching.
[Ends.]
As you may have heard, we lost a good man this morning.
Marty Singer is dead.
What? It probably had nothing to do with you taking his job.
Stay strong.
Moment of silence in his honor.
I shouldn't have said anything aboutJack Air.
I feel so bad.
Thesis? Are you talking during a moment of silence? - L-I'm sorry, sir.
I just - Ooh, look at the cold stones on this kid.
Every man in this room could drop dead, and he wouldn't bat an eyelash.
And he's right.
We don't have time for feelings.
This is a business, not a homosexual coming-of-age story.
Your presentation is in two days.
It better boil my noodle.
Oh, because of Marty, we all have to take a physical.
If you fail the physical, you can't head a division.
Could you remove your shirt, please? I'd be more comfortable if we just went over the shirt.
- I'm a second base type of gal.
- Remove your shirt.
See, I did this challenge last night, and there was this girl.
Um, actually she's the one that made me do this.
Um, but, you know, she's super hot.
- L-I can't stop thinking about her.
- I don't care.
Right.
- [Beeping.]
- Whoa.
Your cholesterol is 700.
What? I know what happened.
The challenge was an egg-eating contest actually, two of them.
- I think I ate, like, 40 eggs.
- Oh, that's great.
I can't pass you.
No, no, no! You have to pass me.
I just became head of a division! I promise you, I'm super healthy.
I run every day.
I eat lots of fruit and grains.
- Yeah, you're just too much of a risk.
- No, please, I'm begging you.
It was a bar bet.
This is not me.
Well, you are 30 years younger than anyone else here.
- I could retest you tomorrow.
- Great idea! Let's do that.
But in the meantime, keep a food journal and wear this pedometer.
That way I can prove to the company you're healthy.
10,000 steps minimum.
Hey, look at me! Look! I'm already at seven! [Sighs.]
What's wrong, Thesis? You look like someone stole your sucker.
No.
I was just partying last night, and it screwed up my physical.
Oh, it's hard for you, Sam.
Most of us here have already had our adventures and are settled down.
But you're still having your adventures.
And you should be.
I know, but I also take my job very seriously.
You're only young once, Sam.
Live life, drink wine, eat breakfast off Steve McQueen's ass while Ali MacGraw pours wax on herself in the corner.
I don't know who they are, but I'm pretty sure I can't do all that and still have this job.
Well, you can't be 24 again either.
Hey, you're good at math.
Wanna see how many times 24 goes into 48? - Twice.
- [Man Singing Pop.]
[Sully.]
All right.
Here's the deal, Lizzy.
If you're gonna manage a bar, you're gonna have to learn how to throw out angry drunks.
I'm an angry drunk.
Throw me out.
- All right.
I'll try.
- [Clears Throat.]
Excuse me, sir, but I think it's time for you to go.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
Aah! God! Oh! Son of a [Groans.]
- [Screams.]
- [Thudding.]
- Ah! - [Lizzy.]
Was that okay? - Yeah.
! - Listen, Piper.
I need your help.
I wanna have fun and go out with Jenna tonight, but I gotta get my work done first.
Are you sure she's the right kind of girl for you? I've never dated anyone like her.
Maybe that's why it works.
But not tonight.
No matter what happens, just please let me get my work done.
Got it.
Keep you out of trouble.
Ah, cool.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Sammy, no.
- [Continues.]
- This is gonna be trouble.
Where am I? What the hell happened? You won the tequila challenge.
- Welcome to Cabo.
- [Donkey Brays.]
[Groans.]
[Man Singing In Spanish.]
No, seriously, where are we? We're in Mexico.
You wanna make out? - You know it.
- [Moaning.]
Wait, wait, wait.
What happened last night? You took the Saco Borosso Challenge.
[Man Singing Punk.]
- Whoa! - [Continues.]
- Oh! - [Continues.]
[Squealing.]
Oh, yeah.
I was insane.
Yes, you were.
[Moans.]
Mmm! Oh, my God! My low-cost airline! I didn't do any work last night.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did I? - Whoo! - [Man Singing Punk.]
[Ends.]
- [Grunts.]
I gotta go.
- No, stay! I have to hit a couple bars for work but after, we can spend the rest of the day naked on the beach.
I'd love to, but I have a huge presentation tomorrow.
You know, they're hiring new V.
P.
's.
You should do it.
We could travel all over the world together have an awesome time makin' lots of money.
- That sounds like a great idea.
- Let's make this happen.
Oh, that's big.
Let's talk about it later tonight, okay? Sam.
I had fun last night.
Me too.
[Singing In Spanish Continues.]
- [Braying.]
- Come on! No, no, no, no, no! - Stupid ass! - [Brays.]
- [Phone Rings.]
- Darcy? - Hi, Sam.
- Hey, can you cancel all my meetings? I'll have to do some serious juggling.
At 11:00 a.
m.
You've got the guy installing Outlook Express on your computer and at 6:00 p.
m.
You're buying cookies from Harry Manetti's daughter.
- Is that all I have? - That and the nurse from the insurance company.
- He's here for your re-exam.
- Fudgeknocker! My pedometer! I need 10,000 steps.
Can you stall him until I get there? I didn't go to acting school.
I went to M.
I.
T.
But my particle theory club did do a production of Man of La Mancha.
The review gave it 6.
02 times 10 to the 23rd stars.
I'm sorry, sir.
You'll have to shut off your cell phone.
It disrupts the plane's communication system.
Actually, I work for the airline, and that's not true.
They're on two completely different frequencies, so it's fine.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
F.
A.
A.
Rules.
No cell phones after takeoff.
Shut it off.
- Just two more - Shut it.
- Sir, please take your seat.
- I'm sorry.
This is a health issue.
Can't sit still for long periods of time.
Deep vein thrombosis.
- You understand.
- Park it.
Okay.
[Rattling.]
[Man Singing Rock.]
[Bell Dinging.]
[Pedometer Rattling Continues.]
[Ends.]
Sir, what you're doing is a federal offense.
What? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just working my pedometer.
Let's go, Gangster's Paradise.
Wh What? No, no! I have to go to work! Please, no.
Come on.
Ah, sucklickers.
! - [Man Singing Blues.]
- [Door Lock Buzzing.]
- [Ends.]
- Sammy! Yee-haw! [Yells, Groans.]
Was it horrible in there? Huh? They do stuff to you? Listen.
You talk when you're ready.
- Hey, where's Jenna? - I left her in Cabo.
She's coming back tonight.
- So, did you at least win the challenge? - Yeah.
I won a new high-defTV.
- Awesome! Plasma or L.
C.
D.
? - L.
C.
D.
- Oh, puke.
Pass.
- Yeah, I know.
[Man Singing Pop.]
Hey, Alfalfa.
Wanna meet Stinky? - Oh, yeah.
I had something in my hair.
- Me too.
So, how are the adventures going? Great! I met this girl, and she's really amazing.
I think I might be making some life changes.
You knocked her up.
I told people you weren't gay.
- What? - You ready for your big presentation? I will be.
I'm gonna spend the day hammering out the details.
Didn't you get the e-mail on Outlook Express? - No.
They haven't installed it yet.
- Let's go, Thesis! - Presentation time, and you're up.
- Wh-What? Moved it up a day.
Don't you read your Outlook Express? - L - You better be good.
This low-cost airline is the only thing keeping me from sucking on a gas nipple.
Look, Sam.
I know what it's like to finally lose your virginity.
But you have to read your Outlook Express.
L Wha All right, Thesis.
Blow my pants off.
Well, uh, the thing is my new e-mail software never got installed and Thesis! Don't make me go dig up Marty.
No, sir, no! Of course not.
UhAre you wearing a brassiere, boy? What? D No! No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No.
This, um, is just drawn on.
See, l-I lost this challenge, and this was one of the consequences.
You're not one of those trans-operatives, are you? Like my son's friend Seth-Beth.
No, I'm all man.
A man who likes to have fun, you know with drinking games and tequila challenges and Magic Marker bras.
What does this have to do with our airline? I'll tell you what.
We're gonna target a new key demo.
A demo that likes drinking and the beach and partying, y'all! - Huh? Yeah.
! - Sam, what are you doing? A party-loving, beach-hugging demo, like me.
And you know what we hate? Flying.
It sucks.
But not if it were a party.
So instead of nonstop we're gonna offer nonstop partying on Sky Party Air! Yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna be the new low-cost carrier for every party destination in North America.
Cabo, South Padre Island, Las Vegas! Why should the party start when you land? Come on, people! Life's for living.
Let's do this for Marty! Let's rock this bitch on Sky Party Air, y'all! Oh, ooh! Great Agamemnon's ghost! He's done it again.
You tapped the youth market.
I love it.
- High five? - Nope.
- Or not.
- No, sir.
All right.
[Man Singing Pop.]
- Hey.
- Hey, Jenna! Mmm.
So did you think about the job thing? Our first assignment would be Dave & Buster's in San Diego.
We're making a human burrito with me inside.
If you're up for it, you can be the queso.
Oh, that sounds so fun.
I'd love to be the queso.
But I can't.
What? Why not? Uh, I really like my job.
I actually got to name an airline today.
Well, so what do we do? I have to leave for Dave & Buster's in the morning.
I don't know.
Uh, you wanna work for an airline? My life is the road, Sammy, not the sky.
- What? - [Giggling.]
I don't know.
I've been drunk sinceJanuary.
[Laughing.]
- You're really nuts, huh? - You have no idea.
[Moaning.]
[Singing Continues.]
Mmm! Mmm! You again? You stinkin' drunk.
- I thought I told you to get lost.
- [Screams.]
[Ends.]
- [Man Singing In Spanish.]
- [Announcer.]
Sky Party Air.
Why should the party start when you land? [Continues.]
[Continues.]
Now flying to party destinations everywhere.
Except where prohibited by law.
- [Whistling.]
Uh-oh.
- [Zipper Zips.]