The Lovers (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Shit!
Nice to see you.
Jason, don't start me!
I can't believe I'm
working in Turley's.
Will I actually get to meet Turley, himself?
/ Mm.
Do you know Primark?
Why is it called Primark?
Was the fella that
started it called Primark?
I wish someone would
name a shop after me.
But then who'd want to
call a shop "Gemma"?
My granny Betty hates tea.
I mean it's not even that she
doesn't like it, she hates it.
If you made her a cup of tea
she'd throw it in your face.
I says to her once: "Granny,
why do you hate tea so much?
She said: "Don't you ever ask me
that again or I'll break your neck!"
This government has done more
than any previous government
to end child poverty in
the developing world,
but no one in the media
wants to ask me about that!
And then you'd respond?
Uh Seamus?
If I had a shop, I'd
call it "Bracelets."
But I wouldn't sell bracelets.
I just really like
the name, "Bracelets."
Do you know who I love?
Matthew McConaughey.
Do you know what I
don't love? Tomato soup.
But I like real tomatoes
and I don't like potatoes.
But I do like chips.
But I don't like fish.
But I do like scampi.
Seamus, I really
think we should-
Seamus?
Seamus?
/ Yeah, just
one sec.
Um
Crisps, broccoli, lettuce,
marzipan, porridge, curly wurleys
Seamus, could you?
Sausages, vegetarian
sausages, vegan sausages
Ahem.
OK, no!
/ Hey!
Anything vegan, anything
sausage-Shut the fuck up, Gemma!
I need you to focus.
Nisha Anand is a
formidable media performer.
If you're not prepared for this,
she will make you look amateur-
It's fine. Stop freaking
out. I'll just say, you know:
Nisha Anand, in an interview with
the Daily Telegraph, you described
the 2008 Climate Change Act as a
lurch towards global communism.
Seamus-Don't you think that
kind of language is not just
inflammatory but
hugely irresponsible?
Answer the question, Minister!
That wasn't her, Seamus.
Fuck! That was the
Health Secretary!
OK, OK, OK. I'll start again.
Foreign Secretary
I'm sorry I shouted at you.
I'm a bit stressed, I shouldn't
have taken it out on you.
Are you depressed again?
Who told you that?
Everyone who works
here. I'm not depressed.
If anything, it's the
opposite, I'm overjoyed.
Is this about a fella?
I can't talk about it.
It is about a fella!
I haven't told anyone about
him and it's driving me mental.
Who is he?
/ He's nobody. Well he's not nobody.
He's famous! Fuck off!
His girlfriend's famous,
too! He has a girlfriend?
I know, it's terrible
So how'd you meet him?
I saved his life.
And he saved my life!
We didn't have sex.
I mean we didn't-
We didn't even kiss.
But we've been texting
each other all week.
So who is he? Well, I
can't tell you that.
Is it Tom Cruise? Of
course it's not Tom Cruise!
He's English.
Is it Hugh Grant?
No it's not Hugh Grant. Fuck
it's not Simon Cowell, is it?
Stop guessing, I'm
not telling you.
He's staying in the
Merchant Hotel. Ooh-hoo!
Yeah, and I texted him saying,
"Oh I've always wanted to stay at the
Merchant," with a sexy winking emoji.
But he hasn't replied
and it's been three hours
and it's driving
me fucking mental!
Should I text him and tell
him I was only joking?
Cause it's-I
don't want to scare him away.
Ack, you know what these
English fellas are like.
You have to be very
forward with them.
They're too polite.
Coming, Jason.
We've moved things
around. / Yeah.
So, Nisha is up first. Uh-huh.
/ You have to go in hard. / OK.
I have people
coming up to me on the street
and they say, "I am 100%
behind you on this."
Fuck, she's really good. Do you
think you're ready for this?
I really think the public's
ahead of you on this one.
It's fine.
It'll be fine.
Woah, woah, woah!
There's no way I'm staying here.
This is my hotel. Oh,
it looks really nice.
Sleep well.
Here you go, mate.
Thank you.
Woo-hoo!
Seamus, Seamus, Seamus.
Ooh! Ha-ha!
Yeah! Yeah, girl! Wacka,
wacka. Wacka, wacka
Hiiii.
It's only me!
Jesus fucking Christ!
What are you doing here?
Turn around!
/ I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-
Close your eyes! I was
trying to surprise you!
Surprise, surprise-
Go in the other room!
I'm sorry, I just-
I'm so sorry.
That was a big
misjudgement on my part.
You nearly gave me a
fucking heart attack.
I thought maybe
you were shy. What?
I thought you were shy, because
you didn't reply to my text,
I thought you wanted something to happen,
but you were being all English about it-
Sorry, I-I didn't
reply to your text
so you thought you'd
break into my hotel room?
I didn't break in!
Attack me in the shower!
I didn't attack you in the
shower, I gave you a little wave!
Did you not see my
wee wave? It was-What?
If you didn't want me to come up, why did
you tell me what room you were staying in?
Well because I wanted to brag
about staying in Room Number One!
I didn't expect you to show up! Why
care about the number of the room?
Because it's the Presidential Suite!
Bill Clinton slept here! / What?
Look, anyway, how
did you get in?
Oh, the cleaner was leaving when
I arrived so I just-Jesus Christ!
Look, I'm sorry, I only
meant to knock on your door.
I never intended to drink your
champagne and eat your chocolates.
You drank my champagne?
Only most of it.
Wh-wh-where are
you going? Home.
Well, don't just go! You
don't seem happy to see me.
No, I am.
Look, do you want
to go for a drink?
Well, do you want
to get dressed?
So why do you think you're
staying at the Presidential Suite?
Erm, hmm, because I am.
The Presidential Suite's in the
Europa, which is a different hotel.
No-It's not the Presidential
Suite. No, no, no, no, no.
It's not the Presidential Oh, excuse me. Hi.
/ Yes? - Hi.
Erm, ahem, I'm staying
in Room 1. Yes, sir.
Which is Room 1.
Yes, er, but could you tell
this lady, the very important,
famous guest, who once stayed
there? She doesn't believe me.
Ah. Certainly, sir.
On his "One Last
Time" tour in 2004,
Barry Manilow did stay in Room 1.
But it was only for the one night.
No, no, no. Not, not,
not Barry Manilow.
I meant, erm, you know,
erm, Bill Clinton.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm afraid President
Clinton never stayed here.
Perhaps you're, erm,
thinking of the Europa?
Yeah,
perhaps, could be.
I should've
double-checked.
My mind's been very taken up
with this extremely important
interview I've got tomorrow.
Hmm. Who's the interview with?
Nisha Anand.
/ Oh!
Am I supposed to know who that
is? She's the Foreign Secretary.
Farm Secretary! What?
No, no. Not, not Farm Secretary.
Sorry, the-the
Foreign Secretary.
That's what I said, Farm Secretary.
No, no, foreign. Foreign.
For-reign!
/ Oh, Foreign. Foreign. Yes.
Foreign Secretary. Why
didn't you just say that?
Fuck off."I'm interviewing
the Farm, Foreign Secretary!"
Oh, is that supposed to be me? It's
what English people sound like.
Well, anyway, I'm not English,
I'm Irish.
What's funny about
that? I am Irish.
My name's Seamus O'Hannigan.
"My name's Seamus O'Hannigan.
Don't you know, old bean?"Fuck off!
I can't imagine you being any
good at interviewing people.
Oh, well, thank you very much!
It's only, erm, what
I do for a living.
No, you're too self-absorbed.
Surely to do your job you have to
be like interested in other people?
I am interested in other people!
Hey, I'm interested in you. / Bollocks.
You haven't asked me one single
question about myself since I sat down.
You haven't asked me anything.
/ I'm not interested in anything you have to say.
Well, fine, let's not talk then.
Fine by me. / Fine.
I do actually have a
serious question for you.
Well, I actually have a serious question for you too.
/ You go first.
No, no, no. You go first.
I'll ask mine after-
Why do you want
to kill yourself?
Why didn't you tell me
you had a girlfriend?
I don't want to
answer that question.
But thank you for
saving my life.
Look, I'm
I'm sorry I didn't mention
I had a girlfriend.
I shouldn't have done that.
But look, we didn't
actually do anything, so-
So, what are we doing here now?
Er, well, erm, I like you.
I wanted to see you again.
And, erm, I do-I do find
you extremely attractive.
Wow, what do you find
"extremely" attractive about me?
Pfft!
You-you want me to
spell it out? Yeah.
OK.
OK, erm
Well, I like, erm, er
Right, I like your
face. It's a nice face.
Erm, it's, erm, a
very regal, er, face.
Er, your-your brow, is as-
You got-You have eyes too-
Er, nice eyes-Is that it?
And-And your-your smile-
You like my smile?
/ Yeah.
You're not gonna
see me smiling much tonight
if that's the level of
compliment you're giving-
Alright, alright, alright,
alright. I-I-I like, erm-
I like that you
always tell the truth.
I like that you clearly don't give
a fuck what anyone thinks about you.
And I like how
you're just always
unapologetically you.
Janet.
Mm-hmm.
What?
What do you find
attractive about me
Who says I find anything about you attractive?
/ Oh, come on!
Name one thing that
you like about me.
Go on, one thing.
Hmm
Oh, dear.
Your nose.
/ My nose? Yeah, you've a nice nose.
Pfft!
/ That's the only thing I like about you.
An inch bigger or smaller I-I
wouldn't be here right now.
So
what do you want to do now?
I love my girlfriend.
That's that, then.
Yeah. Yup.
I should probably go and do some work.
/ Um-hmm. I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna see if
they've got a taxi. Yep.
Can you just give me
a second? Thank you.
Thanks.
So, listen. I've just had this crazy idea.
/ Oh yeah? What's that?
Let's have an affair.
/ What?
We can't, we just-We can't.
/ Why, of course we can, of course we can.
Why?
/ People would get hurt! Who?
Well, my girlfriend for a start.
She wouldn't find out, Seamus.
That's why they call it an affair.
You would get hurt. / I would get hurt?
By who, by you? Who do
you think you are, Seamus?
Do you think you're
so good at sex,
I'll be broken-hearted if
you take away the dick?
Shush!
/ I have a vibrator. You won't be missed.
Anyway I'm famous. It
would be national news.
National news?
I hate to break this to you,
mate, but, you're not that famous.
I am famous! Not
really famous.
I fucking am. I am famous!
So why is nobody looking at you?
They were looking at
me when I walked in.
They-They've got used
to me being here by now.
Walk in again.
/ What?
Walk from here to here and
see if anyone notices you.
No, I'm-I'm-I'm not making
a spectacle of myself.
It won't be a spectacle, cause
nobody'll be watching you.
Fine.
Ahem!
Hmm.
See? People were looking.
Nobody was looking.
They're posh. That's how posh
people respond to the presence
of a celebrity, with
studied disinterest.
Anyway, you were
looking at me, not them.
Let's try somewhere else.
Zip! Shh!
What the fuck's your
problem? Sorry, sorry.
It's OK.
I'M SEAMUS O'HANNIGAN!
DOES NOBODY IN BELFAS
KNOW WHO I AM?!
FUCK OFF,
Maybe I'm just
famous in Islington.
OK, let's have sex.
OK, then.
OK, let's go.
Seamus O'Hannigan?
Foreign Secretary!
Good evening! I, erm, didn't
know you were staying here.
I'm not. I'm just having dinner with the Secretary of State.
/ Oh.
I'm at the Europa.
Presidential Suite!
I Hello!
I'm Nisha! Ooh.
Hello, I'm Janet. Hi.
I'm his secretary.
/ Assistant. Assistant.
Yeah, assistant.
Assistant, yeah.
So, ready to do battle
tomorrow, mister?
I'm a bit nervous. Go easy on
me!
Oh, it'll be fine. Is she the politician you're interviewing tomorrow?
/ Yeah.
Don't be nervous,
Nisha! He's nervous too!
What? I'm not nervous?
Who said I was nervous? You
said it about ten minutes ago!
No, I didn't. I never said
that. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Where do I know your face from?
She's the Foreign Secretary.
Oh, my holy fuck! You were on Celebrity Come Dine With Me!
/ I was!
Jason Donovan hated
your lasagne!
You know what? A lot of the snobby
types in the party, and the media,
criticised me for doing reality
TV but I loved every second of it!
You were brilliant!
Aw, thank you, pet!
The look on your face when
Jedward handed you that pear flan!
The stories I could
tell you about Jedward!
Tell me, tell me, tell me!
Oh, we should get going.
Right, bye.
Now she is famous.
/ She's a cunt!
I thought she was nice.
Why'd you have to tell
her I was nervous?
I hate her knowing that I'm nervous.
She said she was nervous, too.
Well, I know she's nervous
and she knows I'm nervous,
but now I know she
knows I'm nervous-
So, everybody's nervous and
everybody knows everybody's nervous.
What's the big deal? It
sabotages the dynamic.
I don't know what that means.
It's a media
term, you wouldn't understand.
Where are you going?
I'm going home.
I thought we were going
to-This isn't gonna work.
What-What's not going to
work? This, this, and this.
You think I'm beneath
you. No, I don't!
You think I'm
stupid. Oh my God!
Where-Where's this
coming from? No, I don't!
I embarrassed you.
/ When?
Just now in front of
the Farm Secretary.
Foreign-Foreign! Fucking
Foreign Secretary. Fuck!
Well, look it's-It's
just-
Seamus, we're completely
different people,
from completely different worlds.
It shouldn't matter. / It does though.
Ah well, big lad.
It wasn't meant to be.
How will you get home?
I'll get the bus.
Come on!
"Does the minister
agree with Labour's plans
to work with the
British Business Bank
to support female families
achieve their ambitions?"
"Hear, hear."
"I have been hurt on here,
like in here, you kind
of get away with it"
Ugh!
I said, "Ugh!"
I know, love. And it'd turn
your stomach, wouldn't it?
Fuck it!
Are you
getting on or what?
Where's the bus stop?
Left on the corner.
Thank you, thank you-
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
Fuck! Fuck!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Uh, fuck!
Was that the bus for
the Newtownards Road?
Aye, you just missed
it, son. Ah, shit.
Huh?
You didn't get on the bus?
Might have.
Might have got off again.
I had a craving for an
ice cream and I thought,
"Fuck it, I'll get myself an ice
cream and then I'll go home."
Do you mind if I join you?
Um
You know, every time I've been to
Belfast, it's never places like this.
I'm always stood beside a
mural or stuck in a farmhouse
interviewing a terrorist.
I mean, this is lovely.
Well, that never used
to be a sushi bar.
They used to execute people in there.
/ Huh.
Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry.
Are-Are you OK?
What-what did you
do that for? Argh!
It was just instinct.
I'm not used to people
trying to kiss me.
I think my nose is broken.
Oh god! Let me see.
Let me see, let
me see. Oh fuck!
There. No. Fine. It's still a-
Yup, still a lovely nose.
Seamus?
Frankie?
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