The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e02 Episode Script
Jerry Seinfeld, Tina Fey, Eva Longoria Parker
I got in a fight with my wife That I thought was gonna take all night.
What's wrong with saying someone has thick ankles? Oh, come on, please.
But luckily a friend of mine was there.
Maybe I should just go.
No, I'll make my case, She'll make her case, and you call it.
- Okay.
- All right.
[cheers and applause.]
My wife made her pitch, but I swung And gave it a ride.
[cheers and applause.]
It was off the wall, and I knew it was gonna be close.
All: Go.
- [grunts.]
[panting.]
Slide! Oh, you're out! - Whoo! - I lost.
But that's not important.
Because I learned, in marriage, Everyone needs a ref.
I can do that.
[cheers.]
And tonight's panel To help the marriage ref make his call-- Tina fey, jerry seinfeld, eva longoria parker.
Welcome to the marriage ref.
Now here's your host, tom papa.
Whoo! [applause.]
Hi, and welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
We are about to watch real couples In the middle of real-life arguments, And someone will be told tonight once and for all, "guess what, honey.
You're wrong.
They said so on tv.
" Now the good thing about arguing, Of course, is that you get to make up.
You get flowers, dinner, a romantic getaway.
It's nice.
Just don't go to a bed and breakfast.
You ever try that? You ever go to a bed and breakfast? That's a creepy morning, isn't it? [laughter.]
Coming down and sharing coffee with all the strangers Who were eavesdropping on you the night before.
"well, good morning, cowboy.
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho.
" Well, we have a great show, so let's get started And meet our panel of experts.
And in the opinion of our show, If you are, been, just got, or are getting out of marriage, You are an expert.
Our first guest is a brilliant writer, Actress, and so powerfully talented in so many ways, If she just decides she doesn't want you To be president, you're not president.
Tina fey.
[applause.]
Hi, tom.
How are you? - Great.
Oh, there's people up there.
Our next guest lives right up the street, And tonight, luckily for us, He just happened to wander in here.
Please welcome jerry seinfeld.
[cheers and applause.]
Dude.
And finally our next guest is not desperate, Not a housewife, and somehow is still incredible at both-- The ridiculously appealing eva longoria parker.
[cheers and applause.]
So the way this works is we watch each couple, I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me in favor of the husband or the wife, And I make the call.
Does this really make any sense? Not that I can see.
But it's fun to do.
And someone wins a prize.
First off, let's gently paddle our dugout canoe upstream To the native american heritage-rich Wanaque, new jersey, to meet the remondos.
Here's a guy who's doing everything he can To take care of himself, but someone else Is feeling a little neglected.
[cheerful music.]
I met joe in a parking lot of a bar.
Little waist, big butt.
At first, I didn't want to give him my number Because I told him I don't date cops.
I just realized one day, I said, "you know what? I want to have kids with this guy" So I said, "I want to get married.
" You know, to this day, she still excites me.
I mean, you know, just that we don't Do it enough.
You don't like the fact that I take care of myself, And it bothers you.
It bothers me the fact that you spend So much time on it.
Ask any one of your friends.
They all call you a female.
Metrosexual.
You're here for a pedicure? - Yes.
- All right, just go back.
What's up, danny? How you doing? Every man should do this.
You don't want to have messed-up feet.
Right, rosa? - Yes.
I like a man that smells like when you're sweating And you're outside and you're doing manual labor.
I like a man that looks like a man.
A manly man.
You do everything to make you not appealing to me.
It doesn't matter.
See, that's why marriage Should be like when you lease a car.
After a certain amount of time, You have the option to give it back.
Well, then I should have the option to give you back too.
If you gave me some schnookie, we'd be good.
You know I like a man with chest hair, And you shave it off.
When I tell you to pick up the kids here, Pick up the kids there, "oh, I gotta go get a pedicure.
"oh, I gotta go get a manicure.
"oh, I didn't get my eyebrows waxed.
I need a hair cut.
" - But that's- - that's what I like to do.
Don't you want your kids to say, "wow, my dad went to my games, and my dad did stuff.
" I have no problem going to the games.
I don't like the bugs.
We have reverse roles.
I do all the manly roles.
You should be doing this.
It's bugs.
Bugs.
I don't like bugs.
And he does the female roles.
Where's my lip gloss? It fell today when I was leaving the house.
You're looking for lip gloss? Lip gloss? - Ouch.
Rosa.
You're killing me.
[applause.]
So the issue here is can good grooming, Which is something you do to make yourself presentable To other people, actually become an act of selfishness? Panelists, what do you think? Yeah, I have a question.
Man or woman, who keeps lip gloss in the garage? Are you using it on the tires instead of armor all? [laughter.]
I think--I think he's watched too much jersey shore.
I think we have a situation here that is just a little too much.
He looks like an oompa-loompa- too much tanning.
And I'm mexican.
There's no such thing as being dark enough, but But don't you think that the real problem Under the grooming is very clearly stated.
He says he would like more schnookie.
Women know that, to put this delicately, But if you just give them the schnookie - Yeah.
- They shut up And do what you want.
[laughter.]
So if you want him to, like, pick up the kids or whatever, You wait for the moment immediately after schnookie - Right.
- And then you say, Like, "oh, I love you.
I need you To drive my cousins to the airport.
" [laughter.]
This sounds very hot and sexy, In between picking up the kids and driving to the airport.
Also if he did not call it schnookie, It might happen more.
- Yeah.
- Right? In her defense, she says she likes a man's man.
She married a police officer.
She ended up with the cop from the village people.
[laughter.]
- I think it's good- - I'm in favor of grooming.
All grooming.
I don't think we can be too clean.
Yeah? From what I'm seeing out there, This is the farthest thing from our problem As a society.
I think we need to just take a bandsaw to everybody.
Clean it, clip it, snip it, shave it.
But he's like one body wax away from being rupaul.
Like, it's too much.
You find it unattractive? I think the point of the argument Is that she finds it unattractive.
If she liked a man Who shaved his chest and arms, then it would be a good match.
What if your husband said, "I like a bald woman"? Would you do it? [laughter.]
Bald--bald where? [laughter.]
Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Good night, everybody.
We'll see you next week.
[laughter.]
You know-- did you notice this? He may be shinier than a new gumball, But he's still got the lightning-quick cop instincts.
Watch him here when he thinks his wife is nearby.
She still excites me.
I mean, you know, just that we don't Do it enough.
[laughter and applause.]
Maybe he's losing it a little bit.
He doesn't want her to hear as he whispers it Into a network television camera.
[laughter.]
You know what's a weird term Is that metrosexual.
You heard him say it.
"I'm metrosexual.
" Right? I mean, is this a third gender now? I think it's-- I think he's-- It's mani-pedi-tanny-tranny.
He's on his way.
[laughter.]
Also, like, sometimes if a man is naturally hairy And they remove too much hair, They look like a hot dog.
Right.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
You want a little kraut on the dog.
- Just--yeah.
- Yeah.
Just a manner of speaking.
I mean--I mean the whole body looks like a hot dog.
[laughter.]
Jerry, do you trim up? You ever shave your armpits? Yeah, this--you know, a little trim.
But buzz? Do you [imitates electric razor.]
? I don't think this is the time or the place.
[laughter.]
And men are worse than women.
I mean, men, we're all hairy and mole-covered.
And not even hair like a nice bear either.
We're like a sick bear from chernobyl.
I don't know how you women let us climb all over you.
I really don't.
I would be a lesbian for sure.
Why are you looking at me? You'd be my girlfriend.
All right, I think I'm ready to make the call, So who do you think I should go for? Bottom line: Husband or the wife? Eva? - Wife.
- The wife.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Jerry? - Husband.
- The husband? Yeah, I mean, just-- I'm for clean.
All right, tina? Because I think that the wife is avoiding the real issue Of the schnookie, I'm gonna go with the husband.
The husband.
Ah.
Very good.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
let's go to wanaque, new jersey And beam in the actual remondos.
[applause.]
Hey, kids, great to see you.
Thank you for being on our show.
Did you do anything special to get ready for the show today? I got my eyebrows waxed, Got a pedicure, a manicure.
Oh, don't forget what you got up early to do this morning At 7:00.
- I got my hair done.
Is that what he did at 7: 00 in the morning? - No, he got his teeth whitened.
- Oh.
[applause and laughter.]
All right, now, granted, joe is spending A lot of time working on himself.
But you know what? I think a little grooming nowadays is a good thing, And I miss how men used to wear suits and hats To a baseball game and shaved every day, Stood up whenever a woman entered the room.
And you know what? I'm with you, jerry.
And not just because you're my boss.
[laughter.]
Today, we've gone the complete opposite end of the spectrum.
The average guy is disgusting.
Flip-flops, tank tops, board shorts-- Nobody's surfing.
[laughter.]
Clean up, get dressed, and grow up.
Paula, you may think he's going too far, And he may be, but at least it's in the right direction.
Joe, you win! Are you kidding me? [cheers and applause.]
You've got to be kidding me.
I totally disagree with that.
Yeah, I just wanted to tell her I had agreed with her, I think they're crazy.
Oh.
[laughter.]
Oh, well, I'm glad Because he spends so much time Grooming himself, and I do everything with the kids, And that's why I get mad.
But, you know, I've got kids too, And I don't want to go to their games either.
[laughter.]
Oh, that's wrong.
Bye, remondos! Bye! Thank you! Good luck.
[applause.]
When we come back, it's game on for this couple.
You don't play cards or bingo In a formal dining room on the table.
You just don't.
We'll put those cards on the table in a moment.
[cheers and applause.]
Now let's float lazily like a seed pod Into balmy inland florida, Where we meet luis and dalia rios, Who are battling it out, hand to hand And room to room.
When I saw her for the first time, It was just, like, love at first sight.
I was really decided she was the one for me.
[camera shutter clicks.]
Luis is my best friend, and I can open up to him And share everything.
Just having him, you know, every day there, By my side.
This is a formal dining room, And this is a formal table, And this is for formal events.
Ah, I don't have-- And the whole family are gathered around, Eating things on thanksgiving.
That sounds beautiful, but I don't-- That--what that has to do with using it The rest of the year.
Because I don't want it being used The other days of the year.
I don't even need to look at this area.
You don't even look at this area.
You don't even need to look at it.
You still don't give me the reason why.
This gives me peace and tranquility.
When I sit here, I start reflecting on the day And reflecting on my life.
You know what? You don't even sit at the table To have a glass of wine.
No, I don't.
I sit over there.
But I look at everything and see-- Well, why can't you have it right here? Because I don't want to sit here.
Come on, that's ridiculous! Once again, you never understand.
You just don't understand.
Why don't you-- listen to me.
When I tell you, "this is for thanksgiving.
" Why does this have to be off-limits for me? I mean, this is just, uh-- I'm not saying it's off-limits.
You can sit there with me and have a glass of wine And we can reflect on the beauty of the table No, what about here? And the tranquility.
No, you cannot sit here.
This is a formal dining room.
Dalia, be serious.
This is a table.
It was mass-manufactured.
It is to be used.
We can use it.
Uh, play cards with our friends once in a while.
A card game? Is that what you want to use my table for? Ah, you know, a card game.
- A card game? - Yeah, a card game or-- - Bingo, maybe? - Bing-- You don't play cards or bingo In a formal dining room at the table.
You just don't.
We need to find more use for this table.
No, we're not gonna find more use.
We already have a use for it.
There is no reason why to have more use.
[laughter.]
You obviously are clueless.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
So the issue here is, does a wife have the right To make her husband a display Inside her furniture museum? Panel, what do you think? - Oh.
- They are great.
Don't you like the way-- I mean, that's, like, Watching good fencing, isn't it? Yeah.
"why is this off-limits to me?" "it's not off-limits.
You just can't sit here.
" [laughter.]
"you sit over there.
We reflect over--" What is there to reflect on? Yeah.
That we're not sitting over there? Is that what we reflect on? Oh, remember last thanksgiving? [laughter.]
Good times.
Oh, my god.
They are great.
When she dies, They are gonna lay her on that table [laughter.]
And people are gonna reflect on her.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
[laughter.]
I'll tell you my concern, too, is the dust.
And whenever I need a fact, I go to our very own just-the-facts ma'am, From nbc news, the lovely natalie morales, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
[applause.]
She's leaving these place-settings out 364 days in a row.
That bothers me.
I don't like dust.
What is dust? Well, dust is actually composed of items Like human skin cells, fabric fibers, Pet dander, and dust mite excrement.
Well, happy thanksgiving, everyone.
[laughter.]
Oh! That's awful.
It's so--saying that the table Is only for thanksgiving is so crazy That I think, like, if you-- Could you substitute words to help her understand How cra--could you say to her, like, "the bathroom is only for easter.
" You get this now, right? That's crazy.
Yeah, but you remember, growing up, I'm sure your mother wouldn't allow you to-- I knew families that, yeah, That there was the living room That was only for, like, if a priest came.
- Right.
- Yes.
You had that? - I am that.
- You are that.
Oh, really? I am-- I'm that woman.
You guys think I'm cuckoo.
We have a beautiful dining room, And I will not let us use it.
- It makes a lot of sense.
- No, it doesn't.
I know.
But we- I custom-made the dining room For thanksgiving and christmas, And when it rolled around, We didn't even use it for thanksgiving! Oh, you didn't even use it? - No! - It just sits there? It's beautiful.
[laughter.]
Is it just the dining room That you have this obsession? We do have a formal living.
A formal living.
That I don't like people to sit in.
But what--I know.
Where's-- [laughter.]
Where's the formality in your life? No, we have the-- You don't know any formal people.
We have the-- [laughter.]
You think royal people from England Are gonna come.
Someday.
And you want it to be ready for them.
Yes.
'cause there's royal people out there.
I know it's crazy, but it's just, I agree.
The formal dining room is for-- It's a formality.
When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed in certain rooms.
The living room, the dining room were off-limits.
I wasn't allowed in it.
Like, when I was a kid, I thought I was visiting that house.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? Yeah, you didn't put your toys anywhere - No! - When I was a kid.
- Your toy.
- Yeah, your toy.
[laughter.]
Oh, my god, you can tell they have no kids, Because the kids are going to bite the table.
Right.
Yeah.
Maybe he should let her enjoy the table now.
Yeah.
All right, we're not gonna make the call yet, Because I have a feeling You all want more rios, don't you? - Yeah! - Don't you? Huh? [cheers and applause.]
Well, guess what.
I got more rios.
And you'll see it right after this.
- I don't understand why- - why you, being a man, You can't handle it.
It is not because I'm a man.
It's because I don't have-- I don't know how-- I don't have the capacity To put that porch together.
[laughter.]
Oh, yeah.
Dos rios.
[cheers and applause.]
All right.
Round two with luis and dalia.
They mixed it up pretty good around the dining room table.
Now let's take it outside.
[upbeat music.]
As the man of the house, you have a responsibility To do the things around the house.
How to read this? My god! Unless I'm an engineer-- If I was an engineer, yeah, Of course I could read this thing.
But it doesn- -this doesn't make any sense.
It's very simple.
It says, "do-it-yourself screen-enclosed porch.
" All you have to do is just read it.
Yeah, just read it.
Right, just read it.
Just read it.
It gives you all the tools.
How do ever read-- The japanese made that.
Every time you do that stupid thing, Screws are left over, parts are left.
- I don't understand why- - why you, being a man, You can't handle it.
No, it is not because I'm a man.
It is because I don't have-- I don't know how- I don't have the capacity To put that porch together.
And that is foreign to me.
I do not understand that.
I do not understand when you say to me, You don't have the capacity.
Every man is supposed to know.
Every man is supposed to know what to do with a tool.
You're running again.
That's sexism.
Whatever it may be, either go on the internet And call one of their buddies, They should be able to know what to do.
You want me to, because I'm a man, I'm supposed to do all these other things.
That is right.
That's what I'm saying.
And one again, you're being sexist.
You are not being fair.
While--so you should- you know what we should do? Anytime I open my mouth, you should be quiet, Because you're a woman.
That is not even right.
That is so wrong.
Yeah, because, you know, well, let's be sexist.
When I say, "woman, go get my coffee," You should go, hey, jump and get my coffee.
If I say, "woman, go get my breakfast," You should go and get my breakfast.
Because I'm a man, right? That is wrong on so many levels.
When I say "jump, " you should say "how high," right? Well, I don't say that ever.
Look at this.
See? Simple instructions.
You're a man.
That's why I have a husband.
To finish what you start.
So you got a husband so he can work On your porch and fix this whole thing? No, what do you mean? My porch? This is our porch.
We live here together.
Well, yeah, your table that I cannot use.
Leave the table alone, okay? I'm done here.
I'm done.
That's so unfair.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
So the issue here is, should the man Have to do all the manual labor around the house Just because the word "manual" begins with "man"? [laughter.]
Panel, what do you think? I'll tell you what.
[laughter.]
I want to get dalia rios' number to joe remondo, 'cause I think he would love those eyebrows.
[laughter.]
Can we--put them both up, side by side.
Yeah.
I'm telling you, We can solve a problem here tonight.
[laughter.]
Oh, my gosh.
Is it weird that I think that they have a good marriage? They do.
They're great.
- They're good at fighting.
- They're good at it.
They never-- I bet this couple Never just talks to each other.
[laughter.]
Like, "pass the salt!" "I love you!" "I love you too!" [laughter.]
I think he should consider, If I can build the porch, I could tell her to jump and get my coffee.
[laughter.]
He could do that then.
But if you don't build the porch, Then you've got to ask nicely for coffee.
Yeah.
I agree, though.
I think a man should have it built-in That they should be able to stuff like that.
- What, what, what? - I know! We're like, uh--you know, we were raised very differently.
I'm latin, your jewish.
Yeah.
Very different.
It's totally different.
Oh, I can barely relate.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
I think you should be able to do it.
I do think you- - you should, yeah.
Everyone should.
You know what I was thinking? I was just thinking, Tony should win the nba championship every year.
He should.
[laughter.]
I agree with eva, that even though I-- I evolved, and I know a man Shouldn't have to know how to do those things, I want him to know how to do those things.
Well, of course, we all want everybody to do Whatever we want them to do.
Of course.
I agree with that.
He should.
But he doesn't.
I think he should.
I know, I know.
I think he should.
Tony doesn't do anything, though.
Even though I have this vision in my mind, He can't change a light bulb.
He could change a light bulb without a ladder.
Are you kidding me? - Yeah.
[laughter.]
Natalie, is she correct in assuming That a man is naturally better than a woman At putting a porch together? Well, tom, interestingly, Studies show that women actually Possess better assembling skills than men.
- Wow.
- Because--yeah, yeah.
We tend to be more patient, And we follow directions better.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah? I like his attempt to blame the japanese For no reason.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
It's not me, it's the japanese.
[laughter.]
All right, well, I've heard enough.
Uh, two issues here now.
We've got the dining room table And the porch, and I'll let you Split the decision on it if you want to.
I have to go with the husband's--luis? Luis, yeah.
Uh, the husband, uh, On the table thing for sure.
Uh-huh.
And even the porch, Because if you want the porch so bad, You know, you can also read the thing About how to make the porch.
[laughter.]
So you're with luis on both accounts.
- Yes.
- Oh! - Eva? - Wife, wife, wife.
Wife, wife.
[laughter.]
I'm gonna vote three times.
Wife, wife, and for the next argument, I vote for wife.
[laughter.]
All right.
Jerry? Yeah, he should just build the porch, But don't follow the instructions.
[laughter.]
That's where he's making a mistake-- Trying to do it right.
Just have it all crazy and, you know, Just hammer it, glue it, Tape it, and just say, "there's your porch.
I'm going to sit at the dining room table.
" [laughter.]
[applause.]
All right.
Thank you, guys.
I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to orlando, florida, And bring up the real-life rioses In their real-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, rios! Rios! - Whoo! - Wow! She looks beautiful.
Wow, you guys look great.
We're huge fans of yours here.
I'm a huge fan of you.
I know you're a fan of mine.
You know why? You're letting me in the dining room.
[laughter.]
Well, thanks for being on the show.
It's great to have you guys.
Hopefully I'm going to win.
What? [laughter.]
Dalia, I've been doing a little reflecting of my own.
And to me, this is an inside-outside issue.
That's where the husband/wife line is.
Inside the house, I see it as all wife.
Luis, that dining room is not in your world.
You don't see it, you don't use it, Just walk around it.
[laughter.]
Dalia, the reason you want this porch-- You're trying to make the outside inside, Which will lead to another table Covered with fancy plates That sit year-round for the fourth of July.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Dalia, you win the dining room argument.
Luis, you win the porch argument.
You both win.
- All right! - Wait a minute.
I only win one? I'm supposed to win two.
You're supposed to, but you didn't.
[laughter.]
We all agreed that we thought you have A very good marriage, And that even when you're arguing, You're very respectful of each other And you have a great sense of humor about it.
Tell 'em about the kids.
Do they have kids? Oh, yeah, and if you ever have kids, They're gonna wreck that dining room.
[laughter.]
Luis, do you have a toyota, by any chance? [laughter.]
[laughs.]
She does.
'cause I think they figured out What was wrong with their sticking gas pedals When the cars were finished And they came off the assembly line.
Screws were left over.
Parts are left.
The japanese make those.
[laughter.]
Say good-bye to the rios, everybody.
Bye! Thanks, guys.
[applause.]
All right, when we come back, We're gonna jump into bed with these two.
When you pop it free, little food particles fly.
Okay, where's the food particles? They're in the bed! [laughter.]
Might be a good time to grab a snack.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Now let's snowshoe through the fresh pine mountain air And into south lake tahoe, california, To meet mark and martha wiza, Who are having a food fight in the boudoir.
[upbeat music.]
Well, the first time I met him, It was love at first sight.
First kiss, chemistry, done.
That didn't mean I was easy.
It was just-- - it was a kiss.
The kiss, honey.
I didn't say first anything else.
Martha, if I'm telling you Something has an annoyance factor for me, Couldn't you just go with that, Even though you're okay with it, And go, "well, it bothers my partner.
" I don't care.
There's little food particles snapping out of her teeth.
You hear it.
Tch tch tch tch.
Snap! There's something going somewhere.
It's like an anti-aphrodisiac right there.
It doesn't matter.
It's just like-- No, that's the thing, honey, that's the thing.
You're with a soul mate.
You're comfortable about everything.
I want a slight uncomfortability between us Where I'm sitting down on the toilet And you don't come in, Or you're flossing on your own, Where things happen with a certain distance between us That lets us come together and love each other more.
- I don't care.
- And it's flossing in the bed! [laughs.]
[applause.]
So here's the issue.
Is flossing one of those bathroom activities That should not leave the bathroom? Panel? All: Yes! Yes.
Let's move on.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
No, people--some people believe in this, you know, Comfort thing in marriage.
Is there anything to that? - No, no.
- Nothing? Uncomfortable.
Stay uncomfortable.
Yeah.
This ring tells us that here.
This ring says, let's stay formal.
[laughter.]
Do you have any bathroom activities That you wander out of a bathroom with? No, I believe in, uh, Separation of church and state.
Yeah.
Tony doesn't--has never even seen me without makeup.
[laughter.]
- Really? - No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
He actually prefers it.
But, like, when I met tony And I have lashes and I-- I put those chicken cutlets in here sometimes, And then I-- Oh, don't ruin it all, come on.
I have spanx on that suck everything in, And I have a weave in my head.
So I was like-- I'm like, lashes off.
Weave off, boobs out.
You're a human formal dining room.
[laughter.]
You're only used for special occasions.
Don't touch it.
It's not real.
Don't touch it.
It's not for touching.
[laughter.]
I feel foolish even asking this, But who should I go for, the husband or the wife? - The husband.
- The husband? - Husband.
- Husband.
- Husband.
- Husband.
All right, thank you, panel.
I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to south lake tahoe, california, And bring up the actual wizas In their actual mountain hideaway.
Whoo! Hello, new york.
[applause.]
Martha, I heard you say, "I don't care.
" That's right.
Well, I care.
That's what I do here.
I care.
And now, millions of other people care.
And here's why we care.
What you're doing is gross.
[laughter.]
Once a food item enters the body, No one wants to see it leave.
This is why we invented walls, rooms, Shades, blindfolds, and barf bags.
[laughter.]
Stop it, please.
It's gross.
The whole segment was gross.
[laughter.]
Mark, without a doubt, you win.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughter.]
Thank you, new york! Thank you, a-list celebs! [laughter.]
Mark, because of your special situation, We have a special extra prize for you.
Here to tell you about it Is legendary sportscaster marv albert.
All right, mark, in order to separate you From flying flicks of food, We are giving you the david blaine lexan box.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, she can hold her breath, starve, Get buried alive, or just selfishly, Inappropriately floss with wild abandon.
Tom.
Thank you, marv.
Thank you, wizas.
Did you have a good time? Yeah, we had a ball.
Say good-bye to the wizas, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
[applause.]
All right, when we come back, We're going to explore the magic of the wedding ring.
Every other man, married man, Goes out with their wedding ring.
I, uh [laughter.]
You okay in there? He'll be in here for the next six months.
[laughter.]
The real david blaine, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, let's step right outside Onto the bustling streets of manhattan, Hail a cab, and say to the driver, "I want to meet the colinbergs, and step on it!" I just fell in love with his family life And how he was with kids and, um, Loving and caring and fun.
Always happy, always upbeat.
She's just great.
You're the best.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just gonna go And play some ball later with my friends.
Go play ball.
That's what you do.
Me and mark go home.
I sit home along all the time.
You know what? I need to play ball for my exercise, Uh, for my health.
Yeah, then why are you Leaving your wedding ring home then, If it's for your exercise? Why do I need my wedding ring to play basketball? Do I ever take my wedding ring off? I have to.
We saved up for this for 11 years.
I never take my ring off.
I can't play ball with the ring on.
It's very bulky and it messes with my game.
[overlapping chatter.]
You know, when I'm shooting, This is your aiming hand.
The left hand is- -the right hand is your shooting, But your left is your aiming.
So when it's hitting against the inside of my finger, It really messes up the shot.
Come on, come on.
I think you should have your ring.
I really do.
I think you should have your ring on.
Well, these are my friends.
I mean, we go and play ball.
I have no problem with you going out, But go out with your wedding ring.
Every other man-- married man-- Goes out with their wedding ring.
Not necessarily.
I was talking to my friend jupert today And he had his wedding ring in his pocket.
Okay, 'cause jupert's a player.
Well, you know, I'm just saying.
Who carr--who--who-- Who has their wedding ring in their pocket, Unless their fat- finger's too fat? [overlapping chatter.]
Take it off when you get to- when you're playing ball, Take it off, put it in your bag, and put it back on.
I, uh Okay, fine.
Go play ball.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
The issue here is, is it that big a deal If howard plays basketball and hangs out with his friends Not wearing his wedding ring? Eva, you have a basketball-playing husband.
And I couldn't help but think, Watching that clip, Is that the same game they play on tv? [laughter.]
I was confused too.
I was confused what game they were playing.
[laughter.]
So what do you think? Wedding ring, very important.
What does it do? [laughter.]
- Oh, I'll tell you.
- Really, what does it do? Oh, I will--we will tell you what it does.
We'll tell you what it does.
Yeah? Uh-oh.
[laughter.]
Uh-oh.
Jerry, just walk out slowly.
Go ahead, tina.
Tell him.
It is a signal, albeit a primitive signal, To the other women of the world That this man is taken.
It's basically, [hisses like a cat.]
[laughter.]
But I heard that women sometimes hit on guys Because they see the ring.
They're four times more likely To go after men who are attached.
- Four times more likely.
- Yes.
To go after attached men.
To go after a man who's attached.
See? - So what does it mean? You know, tony and I had this problem, Because you cannot- -you cannot play basketball with a-- I don't know what he was playing, But you cannot play basketball With a ring because if you're tony and you dunk Or you do something, it can get caught And, like, your finger can come off.
So when we first got married, It was a problem, 'cause he was like, "I can't wear it, " and then he would forget it.
- Right.
- So I made him get a tattoo.
- A tattoo? - Yes.
A tattoo might be a good option for them, Because it would also make that guy look a little cooler.
Yes.
[laughter.]
I know.
What does he need the ring for? Isn't seeing him in a sleeveless shirt And shorts in public enough to keep women away? [laughter.]
I like to wear my wedding ring.
I never take it off.
I like it.
I like the symbol of it, But I don't think it means, you know, Some green lantern death ray is protecting him.
He doesn't even defend it that well.
I love when the language center of howard's brain Completely runs out of gas, And he lapses into some alien voice.
Let's see that again.
When you're playing ball, take it off, Put it in your bag, and put it back on.
I, uh I, uh [laughter.]
What about this debate strategy? Did you catch this one? Yeah, I was talking to my friend jupert today And he had his wedding ring in his pocket.
Okay, 'cause jupert's a player.
Well, you know, I'm just saying.
I thought he made a better point with "uh" [laughter.]
Yeah, I don't know this jupert, But I don't like him.
No.
You know why? Oh, 'cause he was a "playa.
" He's a "playa.
" - he was a "playa.
" A "playa.
" I'm not even sure this is basketball.
Let's put it to the test.
Marv, how would you call this as a game? [laughter.]
All right, here it is.
A one-hander straight away.
A ridiculous move.
Another brick.
Spins his way to the top of the circle.
In desperation, he-- Nothing working for colinberg here tonight.
Another attempt.
Nothing but air.
Colinberg, even with the defense, In complete apathy, cannot find the range.
[horn blows.]
A nightmarish performance from howard "ice" colinberg.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, I've heard enough.
Panelists, who do you think I should call this for-- The husband or the wife? Tina? When you are married to an athlete of this caliber, Women are going to be throwing themselves at him.
I mean, we've seen this in the news.
It's a problem.
So I think he needs to wear the ring.
I'm gonna go with the wife.
Okay, go for the wife.
Jerry? She's right.
If it makes her happy, put on the ring! All right.
The wife.
It's wife, wife? Eva? Uh Uh [laughter.]
Uh Uh, wife.
Wife.
All right, we're gonna beam in The real life colinbergs right after this.
But first, take a peek at tina fey's new movie With steve carell, date night.
[applause.]
- Or what? - No, no, no.
You just put in your mouth-guard.
That usually means you're not gonna, you know.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, no.
We could-- we could still fool around.
Only if you're into it.
I mean-- - no, uh, no.
I would love to.
Let me just Okay, you know what? No.
It's--honey, I'm totally fine if we don't.
No, I just-- um, I would-- No, I would love to.
Let me just get my head around.
Okay.
No, it's no--it's-- It's totally cool if we don't.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.
Because those potato skins made me kind of gassy.
- Let's have a rain check.
- Okay.
Are you sure? I will light up your life next time.
[both sigh.]
- 'cause I could rally.
- Nah, I'm good.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, the ring toss.
I'm ready to toss my hat in the ring And make the call.
Let's go right here where we are-- New york city-- and bring up The actual colinbergs in their actual home.
[cheers and applause.]
All: Hey.
[applause.]
Oh, you look wonderful.
I sincerely thank you for being on our show.
We had a lengthy discussion about your issue.
Okay.
- And howard? - Yeah.
I have a lot of friends who don't wear a wedding ring.
Okay.
And I think it's totally legitimate To say it's a cultural tradition.
I don't subscribe to it.
But when you base your entire argument On the ring affecting your basketball game, Such as it is, I'm afraid this is another signature air ball.
[laughter.]
Christine, you win.
- Oh, see? - Oh.
Ouch, that hurt.
In case you didn't understand what I said, Uh [laughter.]
How many--how many years have you been playing ball? I've been playing ball since I've been about 13.
Oh, no, no, no.
- And he's not that good.
- That's for sure.
[laughter.]
Howard, I live in manhattan also, And I feel like I recognized the basketball court That you're playing on, and I think I could take you, One-on-one sometime.
[laughter.]
Thank you, guys.
Say good-bye to the colinbergs, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
[applause.]
And now we've come to the point in our show Where we like to spotlight the line of the evening That we thought had just that little extra Jambalaya cayenne pepper on it.
Always a poignant moment for me.
It is time for the blue rhino propane shot of the day Brought to you by blue rhino.
It's a gas.
[laughter.]
Here are tonight's contenders.
First up, delia rios delivers this sharp stinger To the eye of her husband luis.
[laughter.]
Next, from luis rios, this wild roundhouse right That misses his wife completely And takes down the entire nation of japan.
[laughter.]
And tonight's winner, joe remondo Cracking his unsuspecting wife on the back of the head With a folding chair snatched from the crowd.
You know, you hate to see it end like that.
Tommy.
- Thanks, marv.
[cheers and applause.]
And for being such great sports, All our couples tonight will be swept away On a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by royal caribbean international.
- Whoo! - What? - Wow! - That's great! Seriously? - That's nice.
- Yeah.
So that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts, Eva longoria parker, jerry seinfeld, Tina fey.
[cheers and applause.]
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Bye bye.
[cheers and applause.]
loving you whether whether times are good or bad happy or sad [cheers and applause.]
ooh, ooh
What's wrong with saying someone has thick ankles? Oh, come on, please.
But luckily a friend of mine was there.
Maybe I should just go.
No, I'll make my case, She'll make her case, and you call it.
- Okay.
- All right.
[cheers and applause.]
My wife made her pitch, but I swung And gave it a ride.
[cheers and applause.]
It was off the wall, and I knew it was gonna be close.
All: Go.
- [grunts.]
[panting.]
Slide! Oh, you're out! - Whoo! - I lost.
But that's not important.
Because I learned, in marriage, Everyone needs a ref.
I can do that.
[cheers.]
And tonight's panel To help the marriage ref make his call-- Tina fey, jerry seinfeld, eva longoria parker.
Welcome to the marriage ref.
Now here's your host, tom papa.
Whoo! [applause.]
Hi, and welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm tom papa.
We are about to watch real couples In the middle of real-life arguments, And someone will be told tonight once and for all, "guess what, honey.
You're wrong.
They said so on tv.
" Now the good thing about arguing, Of course, is that you get to make up.
You get flowers, dinner, a romantic getaway.
It's nice.
Just don't go to a bed and breakfast.
You ever try that? You ever go to a bed and breakfast? That's a creepy morning, isn't it? [laughter.]
Coming down and sharing coffee with all the strangers Who were eavesdropping on you the night before.
"well, good morning, cowboy.
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho.
" Well, we have a great show, so let's get started And meet our panel of experts.
And in the opinion of our show, If you are, been, just got, or are getting out of marriage, You are an expert.
Our first guest is a brilliant writer, Actress, and so powerfully talented in so many ways, If she just decides she doesn't want you To be president, you're not president.
Tina fey.
[applause.]
Hi, tom.
How are you? - Great.
Oh, there's people up there.
Our next guest lives right up the street, And tonight, luckily for us, He just happened to wander in here.
Please welcome jerry seinfeld.
[cheers and applause.]
Dude.
And finally our next guest is not desperate, Not a housewife, and somehow is still incredible at both-- The ridiculously appealing eva longoria parker.
[cheers and applause.]
So the way this works is we watch each couple, I discuss the issue with the panel, They try and sway me in favor of the husband or the wife, And I make the call.
Does this really make any sense? Not that I can see.
But it's fun to do.
And someone wins a prize.
First off, let's gently paddle our dugout canoe upstream To the native american heritage-rich Wanaque, new jersey, to meet the remondos.
Here's a guy who's doing everything he can To take care of himself, but someone else Is feeling a little neglected.
[cheerful music.]
I met joe in a parking lot of a bar.
Little waist, big butt.
At first, I didn't want to give him my number Because I told him I don't date cops.
I just realized one day, I said, "you know what? I want to have kids with this guy" So I said, "I want to get married.
" You know, to this day, she still excites me.
I mean, you know, just that we don't Do it enough.
You don't like the fact that I take care of myself, And it bothers you.
It bothers me the fact that you spend So much time on it.
Ask any one of your friends.
They all call you a female.
Metrosexual.
You're here for a pedicure? - Yes.
- All right, just go back.
What's up, danny? How you doing? Every man should do this.
You don't want to have messed-up feet.
Right, rosa? - Yes.
I like a man that smells like when you're sweating And you're outside and you're doing manual labor.
I like a man that looks like a man.
A manly man.
You do everything to make you not appealing to me.
It doesn't matter.
See, that's why marriage Should be like when you lease a car.
After a certain amount of time, You have the option to give it back.
Well, then I should have the option to give you back too.
If you gave me some schnookie, we'd be good.
You know I like a man with chest hair, And you shave it off.
When I tell you to pick up the kids here, Pick up the kids there, "oh, I gotta go get a pedicure.
"oh, I gotta go get a manicure.
"oh, I didn't get my eyebrows waxed.
I need a hair cut.
" - But that's- - that's what I like to do.
Don't you want your kids to say, "wow, my dad went to my games, and my dad did stuff.
" I have no problem going to the games.
I don't like the bugs.
We have reverse roles.
I do all the manly roles.
You should be doing this.
It's bugs.
Bugs.
I don't like bugs.
And he does the female roles.
Where's my lip gloss? It fell today when I was leaving the house.
You're looking for lip gloss? Lip gloss? - Ouch.
Rosa.
You're killing me.
[applause.]
So the issue here is can good grooming, Which is something you do to make yourself presentable To other people, actually become an act of selfishness? Panelists, what do you think? Yeah, I have a question.
Man or woman, who keeps lip gloss in the garage? Are you using it on the tires instead of armor all? [laughter.]
I think--I think he's watched too much jersey shore.
I think we have a situation here that is just a little too much.
He looks like an oompa-loompa- too much tanning.
And I'm mexican.
There's no such thing as being dark enough, but But don't you think that the real problem Under the grooming is very clearly stated.
He says he would like more schnookie.
Women know that, to put this delicately, But if you just give them the schnookie - Yeah.
- They shut up And do what you want.
[laughter.]
So if you want him to, like, pick up the kids or whatever, You wait for the moment immediately after schnookie - Right.
- And then you say, Like, "oh, I love you.
I need you To drive my cousins to the airport.
" [laughter.]
This sounds very hot and sexy, In between picking up the kids and driving to the airport.
Also if he did not call it schnookie, It might happen more.
- Yeah.
- Right? In her defense, she says she likes a man's man.
She married a police officer.
She ended up with the cop from the village people.
[laughter.]
- I think it's good- - I'm in favor of grooming.
All grooming.
I don't think we can be too clean.
Yeah? From what I'm seeing out there, This is the farthest thing from our problem As a society.
I think we need to just take a bandsaw to everybody.
Clean it, clip it, snip it, shave it.
But he's like one body wax away from being rupaul.
Like, it's too much.
You find it unattractive? I think the point of the argument Is that she finds it unattractive.
If she liked a man Who shaved his chest and arms, then it would be a good match.
What if your husband said, "I like a bald woman"? Would you do it? [laughter.]
Bald--bald where? [laughter.]
Oh! [cheers and applause.]
Good night, everybody.
We'll see you next week.
[laughter.]
You know-- did you notice this? He may be shinier than a new gumball, But he's still got the lightning-quick cop instincts.
Watch him here when he thinks his wife is nearby.
She still excites me.
I mean, you know, just that we don't Do it enough.
[laughter and applause.]
Maybe he's losing it a little bit.
He doesn't want her to hear as he whispers it Into a network television camera.
[laughter.]
You know what's a weird term Is that metrosexual.
You heard him say it.
"I'm metrosexual.
" Right? I mean, is this a third gender now? I think it's-- I think he's-- It's mani-pedi-tanny-tranny.
He's on his way.
[laughter.]
Also, like, sometimes if a man is naturally hairy And they remove too much hair, They look like a hot dog.
Right.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
You want a little kraut on the dog.
- Just--yeah.
- Yeah.
Just a manner of speaking.
I mean--I mean the whole body looks like a hot dog.
[laughter.]
Jerry, do you trim up? You ever shave your armpits? Yeah, this--you know, a little trim.
But buzz? Do you [imitates electric razor.]
? I don't think this is the time or the place.
[laughter.]
And men are worse than women.
I mean, men, we're all hairy and mole-covered.
And not even hair like a nice bear either.
We're like a sick bear from chernobyl.
I don't know how you women let us climb all over you.
I really don't.
I would be a lesbian for sure.
Why are you looking at me? You'd be my girlfriend.
All right, I think I'm ready to make the call, So who do you think I should go for? Bottom line: Husband or the wife? Eva? - Wife.
- The wife.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Jerry? - Husband.
- The husband? Yeah, I mean, just-- I'm for clean.
All right, tina? Because I think that the wife is avoiding the real issue Of the schnookie, I'm gonna go with the husband.
The husband.
Ah.
Very good.
I'm ready to make the call.
[bell rings.]
let's go to wanaque, new jersey And beam in the actual remondos.
[applause.]
Hey, kids, great to see you.
Thank you for being on our show.
Did you do anything special to get ready for the show today? I got my eyebrows waxed, Got a pedicure, a manicure.
Oh, don't forget what you got up early to do this morning At 7:00.
- I got my hair done.
Is that what he did at 7: 00 in the morning? - No, he got his teeth whitened.
- Oh.
[applause and laughter.]
All right, now, granted, joe is spending A lot of time working on himself.
But you know what? I think a little grooming nowadays is a good thing, And I miss how men used to wear suits and hats To a baseball game and shaved every day, Stood up whenever a woman entered the room.
And you know what? I'm with you, jerry.
And not just because you're my boss.
[laughter.]
Today, we've gone the complete opposite end of the spectrum.
The average guy is disgusting.
Flip-flops, tank tops, board shorts-- Nobody's surfing.
[laughter.]
Clean up, get dressed, and grow up.
Paula, you may think he's going too far, And he may be, but at least it's in the right direction.
Joe, you win! Are you kidding me? [cheers and applause.]
You've got to be kidding me.
I totally disagree with that.
Yeah, I just wanted to tell her I had agreed with her, I think they're crazy.
Oh.
[laughter.]
Oh, well, I'm glad Because he spends so much time Grooming himself, and I do everything with the kids, And that's why I get mad.
But, you know, I've got kids too, And I don't want to go to their games either.
[laughter.]
Oh, that's wrong.
Bye, remondos! Bye! Thank you! Good luck.
[applause.]
When we come back, it's game on for this couple.
You don't play cards or bingo In a formal dining room on the table.
You just don't.
We'll put those cards on the table in a moment.
[cheers and applause.]
Now let's float lazily like a seed pod Into balmy inland florida, Where we meet luis and dalia rios, Who are battling it out, hand to hand And room to room.
When I saw her for the first time, It was just, like, love at first sight.
I was really decided she was the one for me.
[camera shutter clicks.]
Luis is my best friend, and I can open up to him And share everything.
Just having him, you know, every day there, By my side.
This is a formal dining room, And this is a formal table, And this is for formal events.
Ah, I don't have-- And the whole family are gathered around, Eating things on thanksgiving.
That sounds beautiful, but I don't-- That--what that has to do with using it The rest of the year.
Because I don't want it being used The other days of the year.
I don't even need to look at this area.
You don't even look at this area.
You don't even need to look at it.
You still don't give me the reason why.
This gives me peace and tranquility.
When I sit here, I start reflecting on the day And reflecting on my life.
You know what? You don't even sit at the table To have a glass of wine.
No, I don't.
I sit over there.
But I look at everything and see-- Well, why can't you have it right here? Because I don't want to sit here.
Come on, that's ridiculous! Once again, you never understand.
You just don't understand.
Why don't you-- listen to me.
When I tell you, "this is for thanksgiving.
" Why does this have to be off-limits for me? I mean, this is just, uh-- I'm not saying it's off-limits.
You can sit there with me and have a glass of wine And we can reflect on the beauty of the table No, what about here? And the tranquility.
No, you cannot sit here.
This is a formal dining room.
Dalia, be serious.
This is a table.
It was mass-manufactured.
It is to be used.
We can use it.
Uh, play cards with our friends once in a while.
A card game? Is that what you want to use my table for? Ah, you know, a card game.
- A card game? - Yeah, a card game or-- - Bingo, maybe? - Bing-- You don't play cards or bingo In a formal dining room at the table.
You just don't.
We need to find more use for this table.
No, we're not gonna find more use.
We already have a use for it.
There is no reason why to have more use.
[laughter.]
You obviously are clueless.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
So the issue here is, does a wife have the right To make her husband a display Inside her furniture museum? Panel, what do you think? - Oh.
- They are great.
Don't you like the way-- I mean, that's, like, Watching good fencing, isn't it? Yeah.
"why is this off-limits to me?" "it's not off-limits.
You just can't sit here.
" [laughter.]
"you sit over there.
We reflect over--" What is there to reflect on? Yeah.
That we're not sitting over there? Is that what we reflect on? Oh, remember last thanksgiving? [laughter.]
Good times.
Oh, my god.
They are great.
When she dies, They are gonna lay her on that table [laughter.]
And people are gonna reflect on her.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
[laughter.]
I'll tell you my concern, too, is the dust.
And whenever I need a fact, I go to our very own just-the-facts ma'am, From nbc news, the lovely natalie morales, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
[applause.]
She's leaving these place-settings out 364 days in a row.
That bothers me.
I don't like dust.
What is dust? Well, dust is actually composed of items Like human skin cells, fabric fibers, Pet dander, and dust mite excrement.
Well, happy thanksgiving, everyone.
[laughter.]
Oh! That's awful.
It's so--saying that the table Is only for thanksgiving is so crazy That I think, like, if you-- Could you substitute words to help her understand How cra--could you say to her, like, "the bathroom is only for easter.
" You get this now, right? That's crazy.
Yeah, but you remember, growing up, I'm sure your mother wouldn't allow you to-- I knew families that, yeah, That there was the living room That was only for, like, if a priest came.
- Right.
- Yes.
You had that? - I am that.
- You are that.
Oh, really? I am-- I'm that woman.
You guys think I'm cuckoo.
We have a beautiful dining room, And I will not let us use it.
- It makes a lot of sense.
- No, it doesn't.
I know.
But we- I custom-made the dining room For thanksgiving and christmas, And when it rolled around, We didn't even use it for thanksgiving! Oh, you didn't even use it? - No! - It just sits there? It's beautiful.
[laughter.]
Is it just the dining room That you have this obsession? We do have a formal living.
A formal living.
That I don't like people to sit in.
But what--I know.
Where's-- [laughter.]
Where's the formality in your life? No, we have the-- You don't know any formal people.
We have the-- [laughter.]
You think royal people from England Are gonna come.
Someday.
And you want it to be ready for them.
Yes.
'cause there's royal people out there.
I know it's crazy, but it's just, I agree.
The formal dining room is for-- It's a formality.
When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed in certain rooms.
The living room, the dining room were off-limits.
I wasn't allowed in it.
Like, when I was a kid, I thought I was visiting that house.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? Yeah, you didn't put your toys anywhere - No! - When I was a kid.
- Your toy.
- Yeah, your toy.
[laughter.]
Oh, my god, you can tell they have no kids, Because the kids are going to bite the table.
Right.
Yeah.
Maybe he should let her enjoy the table now.
Yeah.
All right, we're not gonna make the call yet, Because I have a feeling You all want more rios, don't you? - Yeah! - Don't you? Huh? [cheers and applause.]
Well, guess what.
I got more rios.
And you'll see it right after this.
- I don't understand why- - why you, being a man, You can't handle it.
It is not because I'm a man.
It's because I don't have-- I don't know how-- I don't have the capacity To put that porch together.
[laughter.]
Oh, yeah.
Dos rios.
[cheers and applause.]
All right.
Round two with luis and dalia.
They mixed it up pretty good around the dining room table.
Now let's take it outside.
[upbeat music.]
As the man of the house, you have a responsibility To do the things around the house.
How to read this? My god! Unless I'm an engineer-- If I was an engineer, yeah, Of course I could read this thing.
But it doesn- -this doesn't make any sense.
It's very simple.
It says, "do-it-yourself screen-enclosed porch.
" All you have to do is just read it.
Yeah, just read it.
Right, just read it.
Just read it.
It gives you all the tools.
How do ever read-- The japanese made that.
Every time you do that stupid thing, Screws are left over, parts are left.
- I don't understand why- - why you, being a man, You can't handle it.
No, it is not because I'm a man.
It is because I don't have-- I don't know how- I don't have the capacity To put that porch together.
And that is foreign to me.
I do not understand that.
I do not understand when you say to me, You don't have the capacity.
Every man is supposed to know.
Every man is supposed to know what to do with a tool.
You're running again.
That's sexism.
Whatever it may be, either go on the internet And call one of their buddies, They should be able to know what to do.
You want me to, because I'm a man, I'm supposed to do all these other things.
That is right.
That's what I'm saying.
And one again, you're being sexist.
You are not being fair.
While--so you should- you know what we should do? Anytime I open my mouth, you should be quiet, Because you're a woman.
That is not even right.
That is so wrong.
Yeah, because, you know, well, let's be sexist.
When I say, "woman, go get my coffee," You should go, hey, jump and get my coffee.
If I say, "woman, go get my breakfast," You should go and get my breakfast.
Because I'm a man, right? That is wrong on so many levels.
When I say "jump, " you should say "how high," right? Well, I don't say that ever.
Look at this.
See? Simple instructions.
You're a man.
That's why I have a husband.
To finish what you start.
So you got a husband so he can work On your porch and fix this whole thing? No, what do you mean? My porch? This is our porch.
We live here together.
Well, yeah, your table that I cannot use.
Leave the table alone, okay? I'm done here.
I'm done.
That's so unfair.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
So the issue here is, should the man Have to do all the manual labor around the house Just because the word "manual" begins with "man"? [laughter.]
Panel, what do you think? I'll tell you what.
[laughter.]
I want to get dalia rios' number to joe remondo, 'cause I think he would love those eyebrows.
[laughter.]
Can we--put them both up, side by side.
Yeah.
I'm telling you, We can solve a problem here tonight.
[laughter.]
Oh, my gosh.
Is it weird that I think that they have a good marriage? They do.
They're great.
- They're good at fighting.
- They're good at it.
They never-- I bet this couple Never just talks to each other.
[laughter.]
Like, "pass the salt!" "I love you!" "I love you too!" [laughter.]
I think he should consider, If I can build the porch, I could tell her to jump and get my coffee.
[laughter.]
He could do that then.
But if you don't build the porch, Then you've got to ask nicely for coffee.
Yeah.
I agree, though.
I think a man should have it built-in That they should be able to stuff like that.
- What, what, what? - I know! We're like, uh--you know, we were raised very differently.
I'm latin, your jewish.
Yeah.
Very different.
It's totally different.
Oh, I can barely relate.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
I think you should be able to do it.
I do think you- - you should, yeah.
Everyone should.
You know what I was thinking? I was just thinking, Tony should win the nba championship every year.
He should.
[laughter.]
I agree with eva, that even though I-- I evolved, and I know a man Shouldn't have to know how to do those things, I want him to know how to do those things.
Well, of course, we all want everybody to do Whatever we want them to do.
Of course.
I agree with that.
He should.
But he doesn't.
I think he should.
I know, I know.
I think he should.
Tony doesn't do anything, though.
Even though I have this vision in my mind, He can't change a light bulb.
He could change a light bulb without a ladder.
Are you kidding me? - Yeah.
[laughter.]
Natalie, is she correct in assuming That a man is naturally better than a woman At putting a porch together? Well, tom, interestingly, Studies show that women actually Possess better assembling skills than men.
- Wow.
- Because--yeah, yeah.
We tend to be more patient, And we follow directions better.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah? I like his attempt to blame the japanese For no reason.
Yeah.
[laughter.]
It's not me, it's the japanese.
[laughter.]
All right, well, I've heard enough.
Uh, two issues here now.
We've got the dining room table And the porch, and I'll let you Split the decision on it if you want to.
I have to go with the husband's--luis? Luis, yeah.
Uh, the husband, uh, On the table thing for sure.
Uh-huh.
And even the porch, Because if you want the porch so bad, You know, you can also read the thing About how to make the porch.
[laughter.]
So you're with luis on both accounts.
- Yes.
- Oh! - Eva? - Wife, wife, wife.
Wife, wife.
[laughter.]
I'm gonna vote three times.
Wife, wife, and for the next argument, I vote for wife.
[laughter.]
All right.
Jerry? Yeah, he should just build the porch, But don't follow the instructions.
[laughter.]
That's where he's making a mistake-- Trying to do it right.
Just have it all crazy and, you know, Just hammer it, glue it, Tape it, and just say, "there's your porch.
I'm going to sit at the dining room table.
" [laughter.]
[applause.]
All right.
Thank you, guys.
I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to orlando, florida, And bring up the real-life rioses In their real-life home.
[cheers and applause.]
Hey, rios! Rios! - Whoo! - Wow! She looks beautiful.
Wow, you guys look great.
We're huge fans of yours here.
I'm a huge fan of you.
I know you're a fan of mine.
You know why? You're letting me in the dining room.
[laughter.]
Well, thanks for being on the show.
It's great to have you guys.
Hopefully I'm going to win.
What? [laughter.]
Dalia, I've been doing a little reflecting of my own.
And to me, this is an inside-outside issue.
That's where the husband/wife line is.
Inside the house, I see it as all wife.
Luis, that dining room is not in your world.
You don't see it, you don't use it, Just walk around it.
[laughter.]
Dalia, the reason you want this porch-- You're trying to make the outside inside, Which will lead to another table Covered with fancy plates That sit year-round for the fourth of July.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
Dalia, you win the dining room argument.
Luis, you win the porch argument.
You both win.
- All right! - Wait a minute.
I only win one? I'm supposed to win two.
You're supposed to, but you didn't.
[laughter.]
We all agreed that we thought you have A very good marriage, And that even when you're arguing, You're very respectful of each other And you have a great sense of humor about it.
Tell 'em about the kids.
Do they have kids? Oh, yeah, and if you ever have kids, They're gonna wreck that dining room.
[laughter.]
Luis, do you have a toyota, by any chance? [laughter.]
[laughs.]
She does.
'cause I think they figured out What was wrong with their sticking gas pedals When the cars were finished And they came off the assembly line.
Screws were left over.
Parts are left.
The japanese make those.
[laughter.]
Say good-bye to the rios, everybody.
Bye! Thanks, guys.
[applause.]
All right, when we come back, We're gonna jump into bed with these two.
When you pop it free, little food particles fly.
Okay, where's the food particles? They're in the bed! [laughter.]
Might be a good time to grab a snack.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
Now let's snowshoe through the fresh pine mountain air And into south lake tahoe, california, To meet mark and martha wiza, Who are having a food fight in the boudoir.
[upbeat music.]
Well, the first time I met him, It was love at first sight.
First kiss, chemistry, done.
That didn't mean I was easy.
It was just-- - it was a kiss.
The kiss, honey.
I didn't say first anything else.
Martha, if I'm telling you Something has an annoyance factor for me, Couldn't you just go with that, Even though you're okay with it, And go, "well, it bothers my partner.
" I don't care.
There's little food particles snapping out of her teeth.
You hear it.
Tch tch tch tch.
Snap! There's something going somewhere.
It's like an anti-aphrodisiac right there.
It doesn't matter.
It's just like-- No, that's the thing, honey, that's the thing.
You're with a soul mate.
You're comfortable about everything.
I want a slight uncomfortability between us Where I'm sitting down on the toilet And you don't come in, Or you're flossing on your own, Where things happen with a certain distance between us That lets us come together and love each other more.
- I don't care.
- And it's flossing in the bed! [laughs.]
[applause.]
So here's the issue.
Is flossing one of those bathroom activities That should not leave the bathroom? Panel? All: Yes! Yes.
Let's move on.
[laughter.]
[applause.]
No, people--some people believe in this, you know, Comfort thing in marriage.
Is there anything to that? - No, no.
- Nothing? Uncomfortable.
Stay uncomfortable.
Yeah.
This ring tells us that here.
This ring says, let's stay formal.
[laughter.]
Do you have any bathroom activities That you wander out of a bathroom with? No, I believe in, uh, Separation of church and state.
Yeah.
Tony doesn't--has never even seen me without makeup.
[laughter.]
- Really? - No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
He actually prefers it.
But, like, when I met tony And I have lashes and I-- I put those chicken cutlets in here sometimes, And then I-- Oh, don't ruin it all, come on.
I have spanx on that suck everything in, And I have a weave in my head.
So I was like-- I'm like, lashes off.
Weave off, boobs out.
You're a human formal dining room.
[laughter.]
You're only used for special occasions.
Don't touch it.
It's not real.
Don't touch it.
It's not for touching.
[laughter.]
I feel foolish even asking this, But who should I go for, the husband or the wife? - The husband.
- The husband? - Husband.
- Husband.
- Husband.
- Husband.
All right, thank you, panel.
I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to south lake tahoe, california, And bring up the actual wizas In their actual mountain hideaway.
Whoo! Hello, new york.
[applause.]
Martha, I heard you say, "I don't care.
" That's right.
Well, I care.
That's what I do here.
I care.
And now, millions of other people care.
And here's why we care.
What you're doing is gross.
[laughter.]
Once a food item enters the body, No one wants to see it leave.
This is why we invented walls, rooms, Shades, blindfolds, and barf bags.
[laughter.]
Stop it, please.
It's gross.
The whole segment was gross.
[laughter.]
Mark, without a doubt, you win.
[cheers and applause.]
[laughter.]
Thank you, new york! Thank you, a-list celebs! [laughter.]
Mark, because of your special situation, We have a special extra prize for you.
Here to tell you about it Is legendary sportscaster marv albert.
All right, mark, in order to separate you From flying flicks of food, We are giving you the david blaine lexan box.
[cheers and applause.]
Now, she can hold her breath, starve, Get buried alive, or just selfishly, Inappropriately floss with wild abandon.
Tom.
Thank you, marv.
Thank you, wizas.
Did you have a good time? Yeah, we had a ball.
Say good-bye to the wizas, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
[applause.]
All right, when we come back, We're going to explore the magic of the wedding ring.
Every other man, married man, Goes out with their wedding ring.
I, uh [laughter.]
You okay in there? He'll be in here for the next six months.
[laughter.]
The real david blaine, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, let's step right outside Onto the bustling streets of manhattan, Hail a cab, and say to the driver, "I want to meet the colinbergs, and step on it!" I just fell in love with his family life And how he was with kids and, um, Loving and caring and fun.
Always happy, always upbeat.
She's just great.
You're the best.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just gonna go And play some ball later with my friends.
Go play ball.
That's what you do.
Me and mark go home.
I sit home along all the time.
You know what? I need to play ball for my exercise, Uh, for my health.
Yeah, then why are you Leaving your wedding ring home then, If it's for your exercise? Why do I need my wedding ring to play basketball? Do I ever take my wedding ring off? I have to.
We saved up for this for 11 years.
I never take my ring off.
I can't play ball with the ring on.
It's very bulky and it messes with my game.
[overlapping chatter.]
You know, when I'm shooting, This is your aiming hand.
The left hand is- -the right hand is your shooting, But your left is your aiming.
So when it's hitting against the inside of my finger, It really messes up the shot.
Come on, come on.
I think you should have your ring.
I really do.
I think you should have your ring on.
Well, these are my friends.
I mean, we go and play ball.
I have no problem with you going out, But go out with your wedding ring.
Every other man-- married man-- Goes out with their wedding ring.
Not necessarily.
I was talking to my friend jupert today And he had his wedding ring in his pocket.
Okay, 'cause jupert's a player.
Well, you know, I'm just saying.
Who carr--who--who-- Who has their wedding ring in their pocket, Unless their fat- finger's too fat? [overlapping chatter.]
Take it off when you get to- when you're playing ball, Take it off, put it in your bag, and put it back on.
I, uh Okay, fine.
Go play ball.
[laughter.]
[cheers and applause.]
The issue here is, is it that big a deal If howard plays basketball and hangs out with his friends Not wearing his wedding ring? Eva, you have a basketball-playing husband.
And I couldn't help but think, Watching that clip, Is that the same game they play on tv? [laughter.]
I was confused too.
I was confused what game they were playing.
[laughter.]
So what do you think? Wedding ring, very important.
What does it do? [laughter.]
- Oh, I'll tell you.
- Really, what does it do? Oh, I will--we will tell you what it does.
We'll tell you what it does.
Yeah? Uh-oh.
[laughter.]
Uh-oh.
Jerry, just walk out slowly.
Go ahead, tina.
Tell him.
It is a signal, albeit a primitive signal, To the other women of the world That this man is taken.
It's basically, [hisses like a cat.]
[laughter.]
But I heard that women sometimes hit on guys Because they see the ring.
They're four times more likely To go after men who are attached.
- Four times more likely.
- Yes.
To go after attached men.
To go after a man who's attached.
See? - So what does it mean? You know, tony and I had this problem, Because you cannot- -you cannot play basketball with a-- I don't know what he was playing, But you cannot play basketball With a ring because if you're tony and you dunk Or you do something, it can get caught And, like, your finger can come off.
So when we first got married, It was a problem, 'cause he was like, "I can't wear it, " and then he would forget it.
- Right.
- So I made him get a tattoo.
- A tattoo? - Yes.
A tattoo might be a good option for them, Because it would also make that guy look a little cooler.
Yes.
[laughter.]
I know.
What does he need the ring for? Isn't seeing him in a sleeveless shirt And shorts in public enough to keep women away? [laughter.]
I like to wear my wedding ring.
I never take it off.
I like it.
I like the symbol of it, But I don't think it means, you know, Some green lantern death ray is protecting him.
He doesn't even defend it that well.
I love when the language center of howard's brain Completely runs out of gas, And he lapses into some alien voice.
Let's see that again.
When you're playing ball, take it off, Put it in your bag, and put it back on.
I, uh I, uh [laughter.]
What about this debate strategy? Did you catch this one? Yeah, I was talking to my friend jupert today And he had his wedding ring in his pocket.
Okay, 'cause jupert's a player.
Well, you know, I'm just saying.
I thought he made a better point with "uh" [laughter.]
Yeah, I don't know this jupert, But I don't like him.
No.
You know why? Oh, 'cause he was a "playa.
" He's a "playa.
" - he was a "playa.
" A "playa.
" I'm not even sure this is basketball.
Let's put it to the test.
Marv, how would you call this as a game? [laughter.]
All right, here it is.
A one-hander straight away.
A ridiculous move.
Another brick.
Spins his way to the top of the circle.
In desperation, he-- Nothing working for colinberg here tonight.
Another attempt.
Nothing but air.
Colinberg, even with the defense, In complete apathy, cannot find the range.
[horn blows.]
A nightmarish performance from howard "ice" colinberg.
[cheers and applause.]
All right, I've heard enough.
Panelists, who do you think I should call this for-- The husband or the wife? Tina? When you are married to an athlete of this caliber, Women are going to be throwing themselves at him.
I mean, we've seen this in the news.
It's a problem.
So I think he needs to wear the ring.
I'm gonna go with the wife.
Okay, go for the wife.
Jerry? She's right.
If it makes her happy, put on the ring! All right.
The wife.
It's wife, wife? Eva? Uh Uh [laughter.]
Uh Uh, wife.
Wife.
All right, we're gonna beam in The real life colinbergs right after this.
But first, take a peek at tina fey's new movie With steve carell, date night.
[applause.]
- Or what? - No, no, no.
You just put in your mouth-guard.
That usually means you're not gonna, you know.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, no.
We could-- we could still fool around.
Only if you're into it.
I mean-- - no, uh, no.
I would love to.
Let me just Okay, you know what? No.
It's--honey, I'm totally fine if we don't.
No, I just-- um, I would-- No, I would love to.
Let me just get my head around.
Okay.
No, it's no--it's-- It's totally cool if we don't.
- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm.
Because those potato skins made me kind of gassy.
- Let's have a rain check.
- Okay.
Are you sure? I will light up your life next time.
[both sigh.]
- 'cause I could rally.
- Nah, I'm good.
[cheers and applause.]
Okay, the ring toss.
I'm ready to toss my hat in the ring And make the call.
Let's go right here where we are-- New york city-- and bring up The actual colinbergs in their actual home.
[cheers and applause.]
All: Hey.
[applause.]
Oh, you look wonderful.
I sincerely thank you for being on our show.
We had a lengthy discussion about your issue.
Okay.
- And howard? - Yeah.
I have a lot of friends who don't wear a wedding ring.
Okay.
And I think it's totally legitimate To say it's a cultural tradition.
I don't subscribe to it.
But when you base your entire argument On the ring affecting your basketball game, Such as it is, I'm afraid this is another signature air ball.
[laughter.]
Christine, you win.
- Oh, see? - Oh.
Ouch, that hurt.
In case you didn't understand what I said, Uh [laughter.]
How many--how many years have you been playing ball? I've been playing ball since I've been about 13.
Oh, no, no, no.
- And he's not that good.
- That's for sure.
[laughter.]
Howard, I live in manhattan also, And I feel like I recognized the basketball court That you're playing on, and I think I could take you, One-on-one sometime.
[laughter.]
Thank you, guys.
Say good-bye to the colinbergs, everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
[applause.]
And now we've come to the point in our show Where we like to spotlight the line of the evening That we thought had just that little extra Jambalaya cayenne pepper on it.
Always a poignant moment for me.
It is time for the blue rhino propane shot of the day Brought to you by blue rhino.
It's a gas.
[laughter.]
Here are tonight's contenders.
First up, delia rios delivers this sharp stinger To the eye of her husband luis.
[laughter.]
Next, from luis rios, this wild roundhouse right That misses his wife completely And takes down the entire nation of japan.
[laughter.]
And tonight's winner, joe remondo Cracking his unsuspecting wife on the back of the head With a folding chair snatched from the crowd.
You know, you hate to see it end like that.
Tommy.
- Thanks, marv.
[cheers and applause.]
And for being such great sports, All our couples tonight will be swept away On a romantic second honeymoon Furnished by royal caribbean international.
- Whoo! - What? - Wow! - That's great! Seriously? - That's nice.
- Yeah.
So that's our show.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts, Eva longoria parker, jerry seinfeld, Tina fey.
[cheers and applause.]
And especially to all our couples tonight, Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Bye bye.
[cheers and applause.]
loving you whether whether times are good or bad happy or sad [cheers and applause.]
ooh, ooh