The McCarthys (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

The baby's loving this.
I've been craving pizza.
Ma, what did you crave when you were pregnant with us? Oh, lots of things.
Steak, pasta, infertility, ice cream.
What was the one after pasta? Ice cream.
Hey, your anniversary's coming up.
What are you gonna do? Yeah.
What are you gonna do? No, I mean what are you going to do to celebrate? What, are you new here? Mom and Dad don't do things.
Happy New Year.
Same.
Well, maybe we'll all have dinner that night.
So this, but around a table.
Arthur, you still haven't told me what to get you.
- How about a new pair of pliers? - Done.
New pliers? The lever on his chair is broken.
Marjorie? I use these to crank it, but now these are busted, too.
Marjorie.
Or maybe get a new chair? Sure.
Hey.
Why don't we get a mansion to put it in? How about an island? You want an island? Why not? We could fly there on our private jet.
Just as long as we're back for the Red Sox game, seeing as how we own the team and all.
"New chair.
" (chuckles) You're out of control.
Look, I just thought that maybe, for once, they might want something a little more special.
Oh, your dad's gift to me is very special.
The next time we watch a movie, your father has promised to sit through the whole thing without asking any questions.
Wow.
That's It's what I want.
It's what I want the most.
Pliers and silence? That's why my people fought so hard for the right to marry.
Calm down, Ronny.
Me and my gal are doing just fine.
Arthur, please, not in front of the kids.
So, Mom and Dad's anniversary.
We getting them the usual? Gift card for Legal Sea Foods? Everybody in? - Yep.
- Sure.
100 bucks, split four ways easy.
Man, how did we divide it before Ronny was born? We didn't buy a lot of gift cards.
You know, 'cause we were babies? Well, uh, I gotta run.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh, you got other plans, Mr.
Other Plans? I'm having dinner with Ben, the guy I've been seeing.
- Ooh - Ooh GERARD: Wait.
Is this Happy Guy? Why do you call him Happy Guy? Ronny showed me a picture of him.
He was smiling.
Everyone smiles in pictures.
I don't.
Sign of weakness.
So where you guys going? He invited me to have dinner with his family.
- Whoa - Whoa So we're going to their house.
- Ooh! - Ooh! We're oohing because of a house? It doesn't have to make sense, Ronny.
It's just a feeling.
You're already meeting his parents? You've been on, what, two dates with this guy? You know, I thought the same thing at first, but Ben's just a really sweet guy.
Yeah, I'm actually excited to meet his family.
Ooh See, they didn't feel it.
You two make such a cute couple.
Oh, thanks.
And thanks again for having me.
Sorry, forgot to tell you.
Um, we usually don't eat until we've all said something nice about each other.
Ha.
Shut up.
I mean, I'll shut up while you all say your things.
Okay.
Mom, your new haircut is really cute.
And classy.
Very Helen Mirren.
Thanks, honey.
I love you.
And I would like to thank Ben here.
He called me this afternoon 'cause he thought I was feeling down.
Turns out he wasn't.
Of course I wasn't, 'cause I've got a son like him.
I love you, son.
I love you, too, Dad.
Wow.
Does your family do things like this? There are times when they all go around and say stuff.
Terrible haircut, Ronny.
Where'd you go? Stupid Cuts? I think it's distinguished.
You look like Helen Mirren.
I could see that.
You don't know who Helen Mirren is.
She's the deaf and blind gal from olden days.
That's Helen Keller.
Yeah, she's the one who gave him the haircut.
(laughing) Anyway, happy birthday, Ronny.
Mmm.
Mom, I love this lasagna.
Oh, honey, I love that you love it.
You want to know my secret ingredient? - Love? - Love.
Very good, Ronny! Hello, my wonderful family.
Cut it out.
Go to hell.
What's your angle, Ronny? No angle.
I had a great time with Ben and his family last night, and I discovered that it actually feels good when a family expresses their love for each other.
- Ugh.
- Gross.
Agree to disagree.
Look, I know it sounds crazy, and at first, I didn't know what to make of it, having been raised I'll say "differently.
" But Ben's family doesn't constantly cut each other down.
They smile and enjoy being together.
MARJORIE: Honey.
These people are clearly in a cult.
Or they genuinely love each other.
Either way, you don't want to get mixed up in that.
I just think there's a healthier way for us to relate to each other.
We relate just fine, Mr.
Bill.
He means Dr.
Phil.
Ronny, just 'cause something's healthy doesn't mean it's good for you.
I agree with what Sean thinks he meant.
Come on.
No one else feels like we could stand to be just a little more affectionate? Dad, the best you could do last night was pat Mom on the shoulder.
You kids weren't supposed to see that.
Ben's dad bought his mom flowers for no reason at all.
The only reason a man ever buys his wife flowers 'cause he's cheating on her.
He's right.
Over 30 years, flower-free.
Thank you, Arthur.
Hey.
This means something to me.
Don't you think it's a little odd that we can't even say "I love you" to each other? We don't have to say it.
We know it.
Still, there are occasions when you want to be able to say it.
Like when we said good-bye to Great-Aunt Alice? I love you, Arthur.
You betcha.
And I love you, Marjorie.
Warmest wishes.
And the children I love you all.
Fond regards.
Take it easy.
To you and yours.
Great-Aunt Alice, I love y your slippers.
Snazzy.
What's wrong with us? I mean, seriously "To you and yours"? Oh, but "snazzy slippers" is a great send-off to the other side.
Ronny, we're just not "I love you" people.
But I'm glad you had a nice time at their compound.
Thanks again for having me over last night.
Oh, thanks for coming.
By the way, my family really loves each other.
Not sure if you could tell.
I thought they were great.
Good.
I'm glad you weren't freaked out.
The last guy I brought home to meet my family thought we were all weirdos.
When I met his family I knew why.
Why? What were they like? Couldn't show any affection at all.
Whoa.
It was like we were from two different worlds.
That's why I ended it.
Did you, now? Anyway, we're all going to see the Boston Pops tomorrow night, and they were wondering if you could join us.
Oh, I'd love to, but tomorrow's my parents' anniversary.
Oh, fun.
What are you doing to celebrate? Oh, we're having dinner.
Uh-huh A dinner party.
Uh-huh Oh, and, uh cake.
Oh, that's nice.
Thank you.
What are you getting them? Oh, my God.
It's gonna be something really loving and-and personal.
Yep, just the gift card.
$100 even.
No, we don't want a message on it.
It's actually a-a thing that you'd probably give your parents.
Well, last year, we made them this video where they talked about how they met and how much they love each other Oh, my God.
Goose bumps, chills.
Crazy.
I'm gonna make my parents that exact type of video.
Shut your mouth! Wish I could.
I wish I could be there to see it.
Oh, you should come.
Oh, shoot, you can't.
You have that concert.
Shoot, shoot, shoot.
You know what? My family would want me to be there with you.
I'm coming to your party.
What? I know it's late notice, Aunt Jean, but sometimes that's the best kind of notice, am I right? Help me out here, Aunt Jean.
I just need to throw some bodies at this.
Great.
I'll see you tonight.
No, we've got music covered.
No need to bring your trumpet.
Ronny, how long is this gonna take? My life doesn't revolve around you, you know.
(both laughing) We do have fun together.
So, you really think your students are gonna be interested in my marriage? Yeah.
They have so many questions about dating.
And you've, uh, been married so long that I thought it might help them to hear about your relationship.
Oh, I see.
It's like showing driver's ed students a video of a car crash.
So, without saying stuff like that, why don't you talk about how you and Dad first met.
Oh, he was always hanging around, like a mangy stray mutt, so I finally gave in and said, "Well, Jimmy Flynn is taken, so looks like this is happening.
" RONNY: Okay, Dad.
Maybe you could tell me about your wedding.
What about it? Well, how about Mom? How did she look when you first saw her in her dress? Like a lady in a dress.
Okay, but what did you think when you saw her? "Good.
She showed up.
" What are some of your favorite things about Dad? Um Well Can it just be one thing? Sure.
Um These are tough questions, Ronny.
Things I like about her? She cooks a nice ham.
Chicken can be a little dry, though.
So that's a wash.
Can I go now? ESPN Classics is showing the Sox playoff in '86.
Remember when Henderson homered in the ninth and they beat the Angels? I'm Ronny.
Oh, right.
Anyway, I'm going inside.
Wait, hang on, Dad, one more question.
How did you feel when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004? Oh (chuckles) How would you describe The Good Wife? Your students would want to know that? Oh, they need to know.
Ronny's gay? I thought you were the gay one.
Nah, Mrs.
Malone, it's Ronny.
Oh.
But you look gay.
Ah, thanks.
(doorbell rings) I keep it together.
Shh, shh, shh.
ALL: Surprise! Oh, Ronny, what the hell did you do? I threw you a surprise anniversary party.
You told us we were gonna watch the Celtics game.
This is very disappointing.
Come on, guys, look, all these fun people came to celebrate with you.
Like Aunt Jean.
I almost couldn't make it.
It was very short notice.
And yet somehow you were an hour early.
Guys, quick favor.
Ben's coming here any second, and I like him a lot, told him that we're nice to each other, so I need you to be nice to each other.
Shut up, Ronny.
We're nice to each other.
Shut up, Gerard.
Don't talk to him like that.
Shut up, Sean.
Gerard makes a good point.
We are nice to each other.
Shut up, Ronny.
(doorbell rings) Okay, listen.
I'll pay for Mom and Dad's entire gift card if you could please, for two hours, just act like a family we would make fun of.
Fine.
- Deal.
- You got it.
GERARD: Wait, Ronny.
Don't open that door.
You're an idiot.
All right, I'm good.
Hey, I'm so glad you're here.
Mom, Dad, this is Ben.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Ronny really seemed to enjoy your cult.
"Chure.
" Culture.
Your family's culture, Boston Pops and all.
Speaking of which, here's my Boston pops.
Very nice to meet you both.
Uh, when Ronny mentioned the party last night, I just had to come.
Last night? Some of us only found out about this party today.
At 3:15.
But you made it.
Now, go spread that sunshine.
I got you some tulips.
Oh.
My dad gets them for my mom every week.
Does he go out of town on business a lot? He does, actually.
Man's got another family.
Super.
Let's see what's going on over here.
Hi, Ben.
I'm Ronny's sister, Jackie.
And we're the twins.
I'm Sean, and this is Gerard.
You look very nice tonight, Jackie.
I'll second that, Gerard.
Thank you, Sean and Gerard.
Not sure why loving each other means saying each other's names so much.
Aw, Ronny.
You're so funny, Ronny.
Ronny! Ronny, your family is so great.
So sweet and loving.
Yep.
It's how they are.
Seeing you with them, it makes me like you even more.
That's really nice to hear.
So, when are you gonna show the video? Oh, I think I'm gonna show my parents tomorrow.
They say romantic videos play better in the morning.
Who says that? "They.
" They say that.
What are you guys talking about, Ronny and Ben? Ronny was just saying he's gonna hold off on showing his video.
What video's that, Ronny? The one I don't want to show tonight, Jackie.
Well, Ronny, I don't know what video that is, but I think we need to see it.
SEAN: Everyone, gather round.
Ronny has a video to show.
All right.
I'd like to show you all a video I made for Mom and Dad.
Here we go.
Watch in silence.
(laughter) Why are they laughing? Oh, they're drunk.
Aw, man.
What a rush.
I'd never seen anything so damn beautiful.
It was the most exciting moment of my life.
Intelligent, surprising, great clothes, incredible hair, just sexy.
Just awesome, powerful top to bottom.
Quick hands, quick legs, perfectly assembled.
Just the right mix of youth and experience.
Every week, it just gets better and better.
It deserves more awards than it gets.
You wait for something for so long, and then it's even better than you imagine.
I was thrilled.
Everyone was.
People were lighting cars on fire.
That's passion.
That was so moving.
What the hell was that? I know.
You're welcome.
Get off of me.
I beg you to shut up.
Okay! Who wants some cake? I didn't say all those nice things about your father.
I was talking about The Good Wife.
And I was talking about the Red Sox winning the World Series.
And some of that was about bacon.
Okay, fine.
Look, Ben, I had to fake the video.
Because my parents are incapable of talking about how much they love each other.
Of course, when you ask them about baseball or The Good Wife, they turn into Pablo freaking Neruda.
Chilean poet.
How do you know that? How do you not know that? Why are we like this? We're emotional Neanderthals.
But I don't want to be one anymore.
So, I'm just gonna say it.
I love my family.
That's right.
I love you, Mom and Dad.
And I love you, Gerard.
I love you, Sean.
I love you, Jackie.
I love you, Ben.
No.
Oh, my God.
Nope.
No, no.
I got caught up in a rhythm.
Ronny, it's okay.
Because I love you.
Oh, Ben.
To you and yours.
Nice to see you, Jean.
Surprised you didn't bring your trumpet.
I would have, but I was told the music was covered.
And yet there was none.
Good night, Aunt Jean.
Good? Maybe for you.
You know, my inner ear is Sorry about Ben.
JACKIE: You know what, Ronny? You're better off without him.
Yeah, the guy's a freak.
Drops the "L" bomb in front of the family? Plus, who smiles in pictures? It wasn't just about Ben.
The first time I met his family, I really thought that maybe our family could be that way, too.
Oh, Ronny, we forgive you.
I wasn't asking for forgiveness.
And yet you got it.
JACKIE: Oh, hey, almost forgot.
We got to give you guys your anniversary gift.
Legal Sea Food! I can already taste those oysters.
Clam chowder.
I love that stuff.
Happy anniversary.
- Glad you like it.
- Congrats.
Hey.
Yeah.
You're my Good Wife.
Aw Well, you're my Red Sox.
2004? You wish.
2011 that's on your best day.
That was sweet.
Oh, no, Ronny! Oh! It wasn't what it sounded like.
I love you, Ronny.
I love you, Sean.
I love you, Gerard.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, Marjorie.
I love you, Ja (laughing, jeering) She laughed! She's gotta take a drink! I couldn't help it.
(chanting): Drink, drink, drink