The Millers (2013) s01e02 Episode Script

Mom, you said you wanted to just stop by and drop something off for Mikayla.
You've been here so long, I feel like I need to shave again.
That's something I wanted to drop off was my knowledge.
I may be retired from teaching, but you're never really retired from teaching.
It's like the CIA.
Yeah, leave her alone, I need mom here.
Last project I helped Mikayla with, we got a C.
I don't know what it is, we dominated second grade, but I must have gotten cocky.
Third grade is I was trying to think of a word better than "hard" and I can't.
Why don't you guys go down to the basement and look for an old box of mine that says "felt props"" Hopefully finding them won't be too hard.
Or difficult or challenging or arduous.
Look, Mom, I'm sorry, but I've already been through the third grade.
Twice, so you're just gonna need to find your own ride home.
I get it; you have a life of your own.
A life I gave you, but no one ever said that entitled me to a ride somewhere.
Oh, God.
Are you seriously having a mound of tater tots at 4:00 in the afternoon? Yup, third mound of the day.
Wait a second, I'm driving Mom around and you're eating tater tots all day? How did we switch lives? More importantly, how do we switch back? If you're hungry, the garage freezer's full of them.
No, no, no! What are you doing? We're gonna have dinner in Dad said I could! Great, I was gonna make dinner for him at 6:00, but now our schedule's all off.
Ah-ah! These are mine.
I just want one.
I'm gonna get hungry.
Which would've been my concern when we were married, but we're no longer married.
So I'm no longer invested in your hunger.
They're overcooked anyway.
Listen.
I can make my tots as crispy as I want, because they aren't our tots, they're my tots.
In the words of Jerry Steinfeld, "No tots for you!" What? Got something on my shirt? Oh, God, oh, you! Oh, my God, Mom! Stay away from my tots.
Oh, my God, I almost died.
Yup.
You gave me life, I gave you life.
Enjoy the walk home.
Running out of time for my segment.
Why hasn't Janice introduced me? The weather's running long.
Janice and Storm Staliano are trying to one-up each other telling thunderstorm jokes.
She's never gonna throw to me.
One thing I learned about Janice when we were married, she's always got to have the last word.
And Storm Staliano? The guy never runs out of precipitation jokes.
I got stuck in an elevator with the guy once.
Funniest five hours of my life! She's got to throw to me.
Don't worry, she will.
But keep things professional.
I know she's your ex-wife, but she's also your anchor.
And people are starting to notice some tension.
There's no tension on my end.
There's no tension.
If there was tension on my end, I'd be weirdly laughing right now.
She's got to throw to me! Come on, she's got to Okay, here we go! Four, three, two You're on! Thank you, Janice.
If your weather jokes were half as fast as the bike riders who just whizzed by, our viewers would have gotten a glimpse of the Tour de Leesburg.
Maybe there's a straggler or two though.
Nope.
Oh, I'm sorry, Nathan, if I stole your thunder.
Didn't mean to rain on your parade.
That's hilarious, Janice.
Those of our viewers who tuned in for the Bazooka Joe-caliber puns instead of the news must be quite excited.
Maybe you and Storm should take your act out on the road.
Well, I'm sure if we do, you'll be there to report about it seconds after we drive by.
Anything else out there? Nope.
This is Nathan Miller, walking your now empty streets.
See? No tension.
Oh, you got be kidding me! I want to thank you all for coming to this family meeting.
As some of you know, I had a scary incident recently where I was almost assassinated by an overcooked tater tot.
Which got me thinking.
I no longer want to be buried next to your father.
Oh, that's too bad.
I just ordered a gravestone that says, "I'm with stupid.
" Um, could you guys talk about this another time? I'm not I'm not very good with this topic.
Yeah, Adam's a little squeamish when it comes to the subject of death.
Death bothers him.
Who doesn't it bother? I'll keep it brief.
A few years ago, I bought us all cemetery plots next to each other.
Please tell me those are grandfather clocks.
Uh, I'm sorry, wait.
You-you got us cemetery plots? Without asking us? I thought it'd be a nice surprise that would unfold with every death.
I went through the album and found pictures where everybody's eyes were closed.
She's got dead dolls of us, honey.
She's got dead dolls of us! As of right now, your father and I are in the middle.
He's on the left, I'm on the right.
Because that's the way we slept for the last 43 years.
And I'm sure he smells just about the same.
And as always, I'm sure you'll just lay there.
Uh, Nathan is obviously next to me.
Obviously.
Now, when I bought these, Janice and Nathan were still married, so I had Janice next to him.
And Debbie and Adam are bunked up down there in the hole by Tom.
Well, wait a second, Adam and I were married five years before Nathan and Janice.
Why do we have to share? Well, I could only buy five together.
And you still brag about the time you flew economy plus, so this should feel luxurious to you.
But it doesn't matter now, 'cause all that is changing anyway.
Okay, can we seriously change the subject, please? Because I just just, death makes me very, very uncomfortable.
Yeah, man, it makes everybody uncomfortable.
What makes you think you're special? Because I know people that have died.
Okay, my high school principal, dead.
My-my childhood mailman is dead.
All my great-grandparents except for, uh, Nanny Bananny and, uh Could I I please just finish this?! Now I want to be as far away from your father as possible.
Ditto.
After that, I don't care where anyone is.
You can all decide on your own.
But it only makes sense that Nathan's next to me.
And Debbie's next to Tom.
And now Adam can have Janice's after Nathan gets her to sign this paperwork.
Uh, uh, you know what? Mom, Janice and I have a real delicate balance going at work right I I don't feel comfortable asking her about this.
I understand.
I'll do it.
I haven't seen her since the divorce.
We never got a chance to do our exit interview.
You know what? I'll talk to her.
That's all right.
I got it, I got it.
I'll talk to her.
Great.
There we are.
One big, dead, happy family.
Uh, okay, you know what? That's it.
I I can't do this anymore.
My babysitter's father, dead.
Three of the four Golden Girls.
And those ladies practically raised me.
That's amazing footage of the newborn panda at the National Zoo.
Oh, what a cute little sneeze.
Hope he survives the week.
Well, that's it for this Thursday.
Good night, Leesburg.
Keep smiling.
Can't believe my mother got me into this.
There's no way that Janice doesn't turn this into a big fight.
I'll tell you what.
Janice and I are both training for the D.
C.
marathon.
I'll go over there and chat her up.
You come over there, act like you're on the phone, swoop in, get the paper signed and swoop out.
I do love a good swoop.
Oh, yeah, a good swoop'll get you out of all kinds of trouble.
I once broke my buddy's bowling trophy.
Told him in a swoop, he didn't even react.
That's crazy! Somebody broke my bowling trophy once, too.
Jansport! Ray-Ban! How's that marathon training going? Oh, I'm crushing the long runs.
It's those midweek eight-milers I am having trouble motivating for.
- Mm-hmm, you got to add a little danger.
- Okay.
Put a potpie in the oven before you leave.
Mm.
Drag ass, and your whole apartment burns to the ground.
Do not want that.
You don't want that! No! Again Oh, hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.
This is gonna be really quick.
I'm actually on the phone right now with my chiropractor 'cause I I know this will only take a second.
Uh, back when we were married, my crazy mom bought us all cemetery plots without telling us.
Oh, another one of your mom's weirdly practical gifts.
Is that a candy cane in my stocking? Nope, just another rape whistle.
Anyway, uh, listen.
I just need to get you to sign this th this form here, releasing the plot One second.
Yeah.
No, I'm still here.
Sure, Wednesday at 3:30 should be fine.
Isn't that just like Crazy Carol to do something crazy? Here's some advice on those short speed runs.
Okay.
What you want to do is start your bathtub before you leave.
I like it.
I like it.
- You got to get back fast! - Right.
Oh, sorry, right there ah.
What? Let's just do that.
What are you doing? Just giving you a little cushion there so you don't scratch your desk.
No.
What? I'm I'm sorry, you're Are you mad that I didn't want you to scratch your desk? Everything always has to be your way.
Why do you always have to be so controlling? Uh, well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Chiropractor.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
I don't know what the hell's going on.
Wednesday at 3:30 I'm watching Judge Judy.
What are you talking about? Oh, you always had to control everything.
Where we vacationed, when we were gonna have kids.
And the towels don't even get me started on the towels.
It's a perfect system.
"Janice, how many times do I have to tell you? The most recently washed towels have to be put at the bottom of the stack so each towel's used in an even rotation.
And don't use my mousse.
I ordered it from Japan.
" Look.
I only do that thing with the towels so that they wear out at the same time.
It's like the same thing you do with underwear.
Back me up on this, Ray.
Well, actually, I let my mood dictate my underwear choice.
For example, today I'm mood-free.
Okay.
You know what though? That that thing I do with the towels is is the right way to do things.
You always think your way's the right way.
God, you are just like your mother.
I bet you even got that towel thing from her.
No! We got it from Good Housekeeping.
Look, this is ridiculous.
Okay? This is ridiculous.
I am not like my mother.
Would you please just sign the document? Admit you're like your mother.
No, wait.
Admit we got divorced because you're like your mother, and I'll sign it.
Yeah, well, that's never gonna happen.
Well, then neither is this.
Swoop, there it ain't.
Well, I'm sorry, but I agree with Janice.
You're controlling, like Mom.
Even Adam calls you Carol Jr.
Well, how is being like me a bad thing? It's a bad thing.
Wait, how am I like her? Give me one specific.
Okay, uh you and your mother are the only two people I know who will grab the steering wheel when you don't like my route to the mall.
Yeah, because my way's the right way.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I I am like you.
The calls were coming from inside the house.
I don't know what everyone's complaining about.
The world would be a better place if everyone was like me.
You wouldn't have to take your shoes off at the airport, I can tell you that.
Hello.
Can I help you? I'm here for Tom.
I met him through his ad.
His ad? Mom, play nice.
I'm just surprised your father's dating already.
Oh, I'm Wait, are you Nathan Miller from the news? I am.
You walk our streets.
Yeah.
I I do.
I, uh, I do.
I walk your streets.
Is that what you do, sweetheart? You a bit of a streetwalker? Mom.
Mom.
Are you Sylvia? Tom? Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Tom, don't be rude.
Invite your date to sit down.
She's not my date, Carol.
After watching you bully everyone around, I decided to sell my cemetery plot.
Sylvia's here to sign the papers.
Out of the question.
There's where you're confused.
I wasn't asking you.
I see.
And exactly where are you going to be buried? As far away from you as possible.
Hawaii.
You're allergic to pineapple.
Maybe your ghost will leave me alone.
Ooh, Hawaii sounds nice.
Adam, you love Hawaii.
Yeah, well, I've never actually been, but I have this weird thing where I really want to go.
You know, not for business, but just for pleasure.
You know, call it fate, but my screensaver has a picture of a beach on it that could very easily be Hawaii.
Hey, man, everybody has that screensaver.
Okay? It comes with the machine because everybody wants to go to Hawaii.
You're not special.
I don't know why You two want to join me? I'll get you plots right next to mine.
Yeah.
We're in.
How is this happening? Sylvia you're this apple.
Come on.
Paperwork's over here.
No one's signing anything.
Has everyone gone mad? Oh, come on, Mom, stop it.
You see, this is why I don't want to be like you.
Because you're always trying to force everybody to do things your way, and it inevitably ends up in a big fight.
Well, don't blame me.
They're the ones going to Hawaii, leaving us with Janice and this stranger.
We don't even know who she is.
Who are you? I'm Sylvia Peters.
I'm a seamstress.
I live alone, just me and my dogs.
I foster rescues.
Aw.
Aw.
Aw.
Oh, relax.
There's got to be something wrong with her.
What kind of person buys a single cemetery plot? Why aren't you being buried with your family? Well, my children live in North Carolina.
I don't see them very much.
Plus, they have their own lives, and I don't like to intrude.
Aw.
Aw.
Aw.
Just stop it! I wouldn't have to control everyone if you weren't always doing everything wrong! Buried in Hawaii? Have fun! They can't even participate in most sweepstakes.
My, she is loud.
Yeah, she is, isn't she? Maybe a little too loud to be laying next to when you're trying to rest in peace.
Don't you dare.
Maybe I want to be a little further away, next to Sylvia.
Maybe she'll rub off on me, and I'll be a little less controlling on the other side.
I give, and I give, and this is what I get in return? An empty grave, an ex-daughter-in-law, an apple? An apple.
Shame on you! Shame on all of you! She seems upset.
Should we go after her? Aw.
"And that is why I think Rihanna's dancing, singing and lopsided hair makes her the swaggiest of the swaggy.
Hashtag, I just wish she wouldn't tweet so much about smoking weed.
" All right.
Yay! Good, good.
Okay, why don't you go upstairs and show everybody what you're gonna wear.
Hello? Yeah, just a second.
Dad? Somebody from the cemetery.
Oh, tell them I'm selling my plot, too.
Just bury me where I drop.
I don't want to bother anyone.
Hello? What? No, no, no.
Not related.
She's just a woman I sold my plot to.
Oh.
Yeah, bye.
Sylvia died.
Tom.
Are you serious? I'm afraid so.
You see that? I knew it.
I knew it.
You talk about death enough, and death will find you.
Well, we have certainly got death's attention now.
I hope that you are very happy.
Get ready to meet three-fourths of the Golden Girls! Do you think Sylvia was sick? Of course.
That's why she was buying any cemetery plot she could find.
That poor woman.
Buried alone, surrounded by people she didn't even know.
Yeah.
She knew me.
She knew my work.
She was a fan.
I'm surprised they called you, Dad.
She must not have been close with her family at all.
You know what? Maybe she didn't have anybody to force them to be close.
Mom, I know that we give you a lot of grief about being so controlling, but maybe because you're so active in our lives, it forces us to be closer together, and I like that.
Yeah, I like it, too.
Thank you.
I'll try to be less controlling.
I only do it 'cause I love you guys so much.
Aw, I love you too, Mom.
Me, too.
We're saying our good-byes? Oh, Nathan.
Aw, hell, Debbie.
Put us back up there.
Plot's already paid for, and family should be together.
Well, wait a minute.
There's no room for me and Adam.
Unless Nathan can get Janice to sign the papers.
Yeah, that's not happening any time soon.
Or we could do this.
We got divorced because I'm like my mother.
Could you say it one more time, but this time, just turn and face camera.
You're filming this? Yeah.
Ray?! I'm sorry, man.
She offered to pay my marathon fees.
And she's throwing in a pair of nipple guards.
These puppies are way too pretty to get raw.
Action! Uh, we got divorced because I'm like my mother.
Oh.
I can't wait to show this to my therapist, my life coach, my pharmacist whole team.
You know what's funny, Janice? Ray, keep rolling on this.
You know, I was I was thinking about some of the arguments we used to have.
Mm-hmm.
And as stubborn as I might have been, you were pretty stubborn yourself.
Nah, only about little things that you were trying to control.
Like the towels.
Well, it's actually a good system Uh, where we went on vacation.
Well, you wanted to go to Haiti during revolution season.
You tried to control my uterus.
Okay, you wanted to freeze your eggs and hire a surrogate when we were 60.
60! I read an article that said 60 is the new 50.
That's today.
By the time I'm 60, it's gonna be the new 30, and that's the perfect age to have a baby.
I don't know why people think that's crazy.
Okay.
we're both stubborn.
And I may be like my mother, but so are you.
And that's why we got divorced.
Two Carols! And two Carols who are never wrong don't make a right.
I am not a Carol.
Oh, you're a Carol.
We both are.
Okay? The difference is, I'm glad I am, because if I wasn't, I'd just roll over and be miserable my whole life, doing everything you wanted me to do.
I'd be a 63-year-old man sitting in a hotel in a war-torn Third World country, trying to wrestle my toddler out of a bathtub while reaching my hand into a stack of unevenly-aged towels! Why would our towels be at the hotel? 'Cause I was trying to pull together a lot of specifics and it didn't work out perfectly! Ray, tell me you're getting this.
I'm getting it! You are on fire! Wipe your upper lip! I'm zooming in for a close-up! Okay.
I'll tell you something else about my mother.
At least she has the courage to admit that she's too controlling sometimes.
And she's trying to turn over a new leaf.
We could all learn a little something from her.
Thanks for faking your death.
I know it was a hassle.
No.
Thank you for tracking me down after I left your house and convincing me a real mom needs to be more involved with her children.
You were right.
Of course I was right.
I'm always right.
But it was a pretty crazy plan.
How did you know it was gonna work? Sweetheart, I've been controlling this family for 43 years.
I know how these puppets work.
You're looking at Geppetto.
My daughter is gonna be so surprised when I show up in North Carolina.
The first thing we're doing is going to church on Sunday.
I've been sitting on the sidelines watching her and her husband monkey around with this Judaism nonsense long enough.
Go get 'em, Sylvia.