The Mistress (1985) s01e02 Episode Script

It's now I love you.
It's now I'm afraid.
Hey.
Luke.
Time to go.
What? What? Time to go.
Okay, I'm going.
Oh, God.
What time is this stag party of yours supposed to end? What? We've done all the, 'What? I'm going.
Oh, God.
' It's one o'clock.
It's one o'clock! It takes time but it gets there eventually.
If you're looking for your knickers, you've got them on.
Round about midnight there was a sudden burst of preparation.
Where are my things? On the stairs.
And in the hall.
And in the hall? We didn't get round to supper.
You should have told me, honey! Told you what? The time, for God's sake! You set the alarm, not me.
I don't do those things.
My car's miles away.
It will be two before I get home.
Did we really miss out on supper? Yes.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't mind.
I don't mind anything.
You can go back to your wife now.
I've finished with you.
See you.
See you.
Do I look as if I've, er? Been to a stag party? Yes.
Now I know why I hate you.
You're just a rat with ears and extra fur.
Bye, honey! Bye! Hello, darling.
Have a nice time? Oh, yeah.
She was alright.
What time is it? Oh, about one-ish.
Are you sober? Erm, yes, nearly.
Mmm, you're lovely and warm.
Hello.
- Morning.
- Morning.
God, you look awful.
Well, it's not what you think! It must be nice to get up in the morning looking awful.
I haven't looked like that since I was engaged.
It's funny how when the body goes in for reckless pleasure, the face has to pay up for it.
Simon, I'm really not in the mood for another autopsy on your marriage.
The autopsy my friend is over, cause of death - terminal boredom.
Yes, there's only the funeral now, a simple affair.
The cortège will pass through all the familiar places - I love you, I need you, I hate you.
And then after a short, if somewhat noisy, ceremony we will commit our relationship to a small plastic bag and bury it in the garden next to the parrot.
Yes.
A lady on the phone for you.
Maxine.
Maxine? Who's Maxine? Er, didn't you get her number? I'll find out for you.
One moment.
Do you want me to go? Yes.
A Miss Mansel, sir.
Alright, erm, put her through.
Oh, and, Penny, would you go down to the basement for me and, erm, get the memos for the Huntington survey? I will.
You're through now.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I can take the afternoon off, how about you? Yes.
Well, Jenny's minding the shop.
She wants tomorrow off.
Yes.
Where shall we go then? Yes.
Oh, I've never heard of that place, is it far? Erm You're with someone, aren't you? Yes.
Well, I'm sorry for phoning.
Yes.
So I can't phone you at home and now I can't phone you at the office.
Yes.
Oh Got cut off! It's funny how women slam down the phone.
Nancy always does it.
Before it died that parrot was in a permanent state of wince.
Er, Simon, I really ought to get on with these reports, if you don't mind.
Ah, yeah.
Right, I'll I, erm I spent last night on the settee.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's by choice, of course.
Oh, of course.
It's a strange existence, the settee.
There's no one to wake you up at five o'clock in the morning to look at your watch to see if it's eight o'clock.
Penny.
Hello.
Maxine.
Yes.
Look, I'm sorry about that, it was a bit difficult.
Yes.
It's, er, just, er, that there was somebody here.
Yes.
Have you got someone with you? Yes.
Look, Max, I'll meet you at Houghton Head.
How about that? Two o'clock.
Alright? I love your voice.
It's like standing under a warm shower.
Max! Oh! Where's your car? Erm, I left it on the road, just in case.
I'm sorry about ringing you this morning.
- Oh, it's alright.
- I won't do it again.
No, course you won't.
Well, come on then, tell me, how do I explain to my wife? Well you went through the car wash with the windows open.
Right, and the lost shoe? Buy another pair.
And the new ones, how do I explain them? Well, scruff them up a bit.
Nothing escapes her.
She's like an owl sitting there, quiet, all seeing, the odd hoot perhaps, but nothing definite.
You make her sound intriguing.
Well, if she was less nice, I could cope more easily.
You know, I'm bored with your wife now.
I'm sorry but she does exist, honey.
I know that.
Do you think I don't know that? She's in your mind, my mind, our bed.
That is not true.
There is nobody in our bed but you and me.
Can't we just have a bit of fun? Can't we do something silly without wondering what she'll say? No, we can't.
'My wife, my wife! ' All I hear about is, 'My wife! ' What about me, who am I? Well, at least she isn't jealous.
Well, of course she isn't jealous! She doesn't know anything to be jealous about, does she? I wonder what she'd say if she opened her front door and found me on the doorstep? I'm sorry.
I wouldn't ever do that to you.
You know I wouldn't.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
I wouldn't, not ever.
You may not have to.
That was my next-door neighbour.
I can't go in there like this.
I'll go.
What size do you take? Seven and a half.
What kind? Well, as near to that as you can get.
- Take my wallet.
- Okay.
Here you are, try these.
Don't get out, I told them you split your trousers.
Oh, great! Oh, come on, Luke, no one knows us in this town.
How do they feel? Fine, fine.
Are they comfortable? Fine! Anything will do, come on.
They say there's a shop up the road that sells shirts.
Good.
I'll pay for these.
Naughty, naughty, naughty! I think it's rather funny.
Well, of course you think it's rather funny, but then you don't have to go home and say why you left the house wearing one set of clothes and came back wearing another, do you? Well, can't you get changed without her seeing you? Don't be stupid, my clothes are in our bedroom.
- Oh, I hate you saying that? - Saying what? 'Our Our bedroom.
' - Well, there are two of us.
- I know that! So what should I say?! Well, you could say 'my' bedroom.
Oh God! How would you feel like if I shared a bedroom with somebody? Okay, I'll take you back to your car.
Van.
I know I shouldn't laugh but he looked so caught up! Oh, God, Max! Luke doesn't take sugar, so nobody gets sugar.
Sorry, he doesn't notice things like that, he's always too busy getting ready to go home.
Ah, yes, I remember it well.
Curious breed married men.
They spend most of their time either trying to get their trousers off in a hurry, or trying to get them on again in a hurry.
It's always time to go.
The nonsense we go through just to be together.
Yeah, it always seems such a waste of time.
I mean statistics say that we all leave each other eventually.
The wonderful thing is that you can't imagine that it will ever end at the time.
Mother Nature's a cow, isn't she? She leaves you together just long enough to perpetuate the species, and after that she doesn't give a damn.
I think the money's right.
Oh, and there's two orders for wreaths tomorrow.
Wreaths, it's one of those dreadful words that stops you in your tracks.
It doesn't stop me.
It makes me break into a frenzied gallop.
You know, if I'd heard that word more often when I was at school, I might have got some A-levels.
When you're young everything is about life though, isn't it? I don't know how they imagined that we could cope with the demands of our brains when our hormones were running riot.
At least you managed to pass your exams.
They only moved me out of the infants because the chairs weren't big enough.
Fate is the power, Jenny, not knowledge.
I hope you're right.
Margaret Thatcher runs the country, we run a flower shop.
And rumour has it that Kathleen Morris, who always came top of our class, is working in a cafè somewhere shelling eggs.
Do you remember Penelope Kenworth, who came bottom? She's making a fortune writing.
She's on her fifth autobiography now.
Oh, she was good looking though, wasn't she? I mean, Mother Nature put in some overtime on her.
She's been married three times already.
The boys used to flock round her like starlings round an iced bun.
By the time she's 40, she'll look like a dead yucca plant.
I do hope so.
Looks don't get you to the top of the mountain, Jen.
No, they just get you there faster.
When we were coming up from the beach this afternoon Luke's neighbour passed us, he was walking his dog.
What did you do? Nothing.
There was nothing we could do.
He didn't materialise until he'd said good afternoon.
You weren't doing anything indiscreet, were you? Of course not! We were just standing there wet through, neither of us had any shoes on, Luke had his shirt off and I had my arms wrapped round him, like people always do on cliff tops.
Oh.
Ah, well, least you were standing up.
You're home early.
Yes.
Not busy at work? Oh, moderate.
Cake? Ah, yes, thank you.
I made it while you were out Fine, you're very good at cake.
shopping.
What? I made it while you were out shopping.
Oh, well, I needed a new shirt.
And shoes.
What? Shoes.
Oh, yes! Shoes.
Don't you like any of the other 40 shirts you've got, then? It was just impulse, the way you suddenly buy a dress.
I don't suddenly buy a dress, Luke, I ask you first.
Then you remind me I could open a boutique with what I've got.
Then I describe it to you while I'm massaging your back.
Then you'll drift off onto another subject.
Then I nag, then you get annoyed.
Then I cry, and then you give in.
Then I buy a dress.
I don't see why I leave the shoes till we're in bed.
I don't see why it's a major catastrophe for a man to buy himself a shirt! And shoes.
Alright, and shoes! And shoes! I'm not complaining.
- No.
- I like you having new clothes.
Good.
You don't like my cake though.
I love your cake! Good! I like your shirt and shoes, you like my cake.
Aren't we lucky? That'll be Mr Halcot from next door.
What does he want? I don't know, he came earlier.
- Oh, he's here now.
Do come in.
- Oh, thank you I hope it's not inconvenient? No, no, not at all.
This way.
Good afternoon.
Hello.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it's alright, we've finished.
Only I'm trying to put up some damned shelves in my kitchen and the electric drill has packed up.
Oh, really.
Mr Halcot, would you like some tea? We're just having some.
Oh, thank you, that would be nice, yes.
Oh, yes, sit down.
Please, have some tea.
Thank you.
Strange, isn't it? You live so close yet we hardly ever see each other.
Yes.
It was Christmas wasn't it, or have we seen you since then, I forget? Anyway, it's not important, we're seeing him now.
Yes, yes, it was Christmas.
I see your wife quite often.
- Sugar? - No, thanks.
And that wonderful dog of yours.
Luke, have you seen him? Yes, yes, he's a fine animal.
Keeps me fit, all that walking.
We ought to get a dog.
The trouble is Luke drives everywhere.
He hates walking.
I-I sometimes walk when I'm on business.
The best thing about walking a dog is that a man sees things.
He sees what's wrong with his life.
I-I'll get that drill.
Where are you going, darling? Er, I've left some papers at the office.
There's a good play on tonight.
I'll be back in time for that.
Luke! What a surprise! Come in.
I can't go on with this.
Fine.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I am drowning in a sea of lies.
Every time the door knocks I go under.
I got into the hall to be confronted by Helen, who just happened to be there.
Then I sat through tea explaining why I bought myself a new shirt and new shoes, and just, just as I was convincing us both, my next-door neighbour called.
Mmm, yes, THAT next-door neighbour.
He wanted to borrow a drill! So I sat through him talking about how walking dogs is good for you, and Helen talking about how, 'Luke hates walking.
' It was a nightmare! Poor darling.
I ended up putting up his bloody shelves for him.
- I'll have a heart attack next.
- Yes.
- I'm just the right age.
- Yes.
- Or an ulcer.
- Or both, yes.
No, I can't go on with it.
It's probably for me.
Hello.
Hello.
Oh! Julian.
Yes.
Yes, it has been ages.
Erm Yes, that would be nice.
Erm, look can I call you back? Because I'm just seeing somebody out, I think.
Erm, yes.
Er, soon, yes.
Are you at the same place? Yes, right.
Bye, bye.
Someone I know.
- How well do you know this 'someone'? - Oh, fairly well.
- So what does he want? - Dinner, I think.
Oh, yes, dinner.
Well, we all know about dinner, everything starts with dinner.
We didn't start with dinner.
We started with a packet of Smarties in a car park.
Bloody silly name, 'Julian'.
We were going to get married.
Didn't he turn up? Sometimes you're not very nice.
I suppose he likes rabbits.
Yes, he did like rabbits, and birds and cats, and he didn't have a wife, and he could spend whole nights and days with me, and he could always find his socks, and he never once said 'I can't go on with this.
' Fine, sounds like a really nice guy! Go on, go to dinner with him.
Ring him now.
I'll ring him.
What's the number? 5-8-6-1-1.
5-8-6-1-what? - 1-1.
- 1-1.
It's ringing.
Thank you.
Hello.
Julian.
It's me.
Well, yes.
Well, I-I promised I'd call you back.
Listen Er, yes, look the thing is Yes, I know.
Yes, I do, yes.
Yes, I remember the way you used to throw your scrambled eggs at the wall.
Yes, and the little porcelain pig you bought me.
But the thing is that Listen, Julian, the thing is that Well, I've met this man you see and Oh, he hates my rabbits and he's completely insecure, and he can't decide anything, and he's jealous and he sulks a lot but the thing is that I love him dearly and I don't think there's any point in us meeting.
Yes.
Thank you, yes.
I knew you'd understand.
Yes, you too! Yes.
Bye.
Bye.
You were saying you can't go on with this.
Yes, I was.
And I am now even more convinced that we ought to be more careful.
I must phone Helen.
I'm supposed to be at the office.
I know, I know.
I'll go and give the rabbits their supper.
Hello? Hello, Helen.
Ah, listen.
I've, er, decided to do the paperwork here.
Er, there's not much.
Will you be back in time to watch the play? Yes, I'll try.
Hmm, the late night film then.
The late night film, yes.
Alright, darling.
Oh, there was a phone call for you while you were round at Mr Halcot's.
It was the girl from the shop.
Shop? Where you bought your shoes, apparently.
She found a card which must have dropped out of your wallet.
Anyway, she just phoned to say you'd left your old shoe there.
I said you'd go and pick it up.
There's no point in being stuck with one shoe, is there? It's funny, she seemed to think I was with you.
'You must have dropped it out of his wallet, ' she kept saying.
But - well, she must be mistaken.
I mean, the place was crowded.
Well, that's what I thought, darling.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
Do you want supper? Yes, if you like.
- See you then.
- See you.
The girl from the shoe shop phoned.
Sometimes life is about love or loyalty, or fear, or grief, or joy.
And sometimes it's about shoes.