The Muppets (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Here, fellas.
It's Sweetums' birthday.
Sign his card.
I'm not signing.
Birthdays are just a bogus holiday created by greeting-card companies.
Hey, be nice.
No dirty drawings.
Oh.
Maybe I can make it into a saxophone.
Give me that.
Give me that.
I am a writer.
I will sign for all of us.
Stand back! Wow! That is very impressive.
Oh, you should see me in the shower.
- 10 seconds - In, out, everything's clean.
Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this.
I just got an e-vite to a party at Jay Leno's house! Oh, I get those spam e-mails all the time.
You know, from my "mother" who's "stuck overseas," "needs money.
" You just delete them.
Uh, Gonzo, isn't your mother on a South American cruise? Yeah, and I'm a little worried.
I haven't heard from her in a while.
No, no, this is real.
I know Jay Leno! We met last month at a celebrity golf tournament.
Kermit! We got a big problem with Piggy! She's there's a Scooter, Scooter, listen.
Relax, relax.
We talked about overreacting to things.
- It's a code red.
- Aah! Code red! Oh, my God! This is not a drill! We've created a color-coded alert system to track Piggy's moods.
Green she's calm.
But we've never been at green.
Yellow she's in tears.
Orange I'm in tears.
But with a code red, if she locks eyes with you, it's already too late.
Who replaced my thick sharpies with fine-tipped sharpies?! I'm signing autographs, not writing the Bible on a grain of rice! I have a feeling this isn't about pen thickness.
So, I was fitting Piggy for a new dress Oh, no, no.
You forgot to cut out the tag? - She knows her size?! - Oh, please.
I've woven such a cocoon of lies, she doesn't know her size, weight, or even how old she is.
Look at this nonsense! Pencils, highlighters, a backscratcher?! If you're itchy, take care of it at home! What is going on? The People's Choice Awards are coming up, and she doesn't have a date.
Shocking.
She seems like such pleasant company.
How dare you try to calm me down with cake?! Give me that cake! W-wait here.
Clear.
Oh.
Whoa! I tried to offer her a ballpoint.
You've got to find that pig a date.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah! Hmm.
Time to get things started.
ha ha ha! You know, um, my optometrist would love to date Piggy, and he's pretty attractive.
At least I think he is.
My glasses aren't very good.
It can't be just anybody, Scooter.
She needs to walk down that red carpet with somebody famous.
- Hmm.
- Somebody that makes her look good.
So, where are we with Jeff Goldblum? On with Goldblum's peoples now.
I'm not just gonna book a random famous guy and hope for sparks.
I have an edge because Piggy's my ex-girlfriend, and, uh, when we were dating, we had one of those free-pass lists, you know? It was just for fun.
Well, I mean, unless Lea Thompson and I got stuck in an elevator together.
Hmm.
Holding, holding.
Yeah? Goldblum's married! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Happily married? Aw, rats.
Hey! There's a rat sittin' right here! Ah, don't be so sensitive.
You guys started The Plague.
Okay, guys, throw everything we've got at Keanu Reeves.
Got it.
Keanu Reeves says he's in.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, he's put on 100 pounds.
He's doing a movie about that Hawaiian ukulele player.
Hey, guys! Hey, guys! It's that time of year again.
I'm selling cookies for my daughter's troop so she can win a mountain bike.
We are only interested if you've got a box of dreamy dates.
Ooh! Well, uh, uh, the fudge-alongs have raisins.
I mean, they're not dates, but they are also a sun-dried fruit.
Not now, Bobo.
Oh.
No problem.
I'll just take the battery out of your car to remind you to come see me.
- Yeah.
- Hey! Let's call Josh Groban next.
He's single, he's got a great voice, and he gives me the feels.
He gives me the feels, too! What? He's a handsome man, and gender is fluid.
All right, so, what do you say, boss? I book Josh Groban on the show and we hope for the best? I think we can do better than hope.
Kermit has cooked up some kind of plan to make the Grobans and Piggy fall in love during the music.
It's a stupid idea, but I love it.
Mostly because I love love.
If I loved you time and again I would try to say all I'd want you to know You think this is gonna work, boss? You ain't seen nothin' yet.
Cue the curtain.
And snow.
How I love yoooooooou if I loved yooooooou if I loved yooooooou Bravo! Whoo! Did you just say "whoo"? What? I'm allowed to feel things.
Hm.
As a newsman, I report on a world full of famine and war.
But you guys buying cookies for my daughter will show her that the human spirit is still alive.
Plus, every box I sell makes me look better than my ex-wife.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Oh! What are you doing here? You got a whole news building across the street to sell to.
Gentle newsman confronted by large bear.
Will he allow himself to be intimidated? The answer coming up E-e-eh now! Ohhhh! Good morning, everybody.
So sorry I'm a little late, but for some reason, it's just so hard to get out of bed these days.
Der piggan de gropin' de Groban.
Oh, chef! You have a naughty mind.
But accurate.
- Oh, kermie.
- Yeah? Can you come by my dressing room for a moment? Whenever you get a sec.
No rush.
Sure.
Now, I'm not saying that I solved everything because Josh took Piggy to the People's Choice Awards, but if they ever build an executive producers hall of fame I think you'll be entering through the Kermit the frog pavilion.
Hmm-hmm! Hm.
- Beaker! - Aah! Did you get a haircut? Unh-unh.
Well, don't.
It's the perfect length.
You look cute as a button.
Mnnnnn! I mean, since they've been going out, I've been waking up to the sound of my alarm instead of my own screams.
Do you know what that means? For the first time ever, we're at a code green! Yaaaaaay! So, Josh was over last night.
And we were cuddled up on the couch, watching the show.
Thanks for that picture.
Anyway, he has some ideas.
What? About the music? That man is more than just a musician.
Way more.
Yeah, yeah, I get it He's a world-class cuddler.
I meant he's also a producer.
And he thinks I could be presented in a smarter, more sophisticated way.
Like, I could interview authors.
Piggy, I suggested bringing on an author.
I even gave you her book.
And I'm halfway through.
That was five years ago.
She's dead now.
Oh, good.
I don't have to finish it.
Look, Piggy, you want an author, I'll get you an author.
- Oh.
One more thing.
- Yeah? Josh and I were thinking And I agree with us That it would be divine if the band went acoustic.
Acoustic? They're called the Electric Mayhem.
Yeah, yeah, I know, but our audience needs a gentler, more tranquil vibe at night to help them sleep Like a warm glass of milk.
This is a television show! It is not a glass of milk! Don't you think if we tried, it can be both? Well we Oh! A loose thread! Milk? Ooh! Uh, you want some cookies with that? Oh! Yummy cookies! The Electric Mayhem, everybody.
What was that one called, Dr.
Teeth? - "Dead inside.
" - Mm-hmm.
- We wrote it today.
- Yeah.
Mm.
Very sophisticated.
And we're back, with author Reza Aslan.
Reza, tell me you write so eloquently about History.
Where do you get your ideas? Oh, well, it's History, so these are things that have actually happened.
So you don't use your imagination.
That's fascinating.
A little lazy But fascinating! You know, when I read a magazine My mother's stuck in a jungle somewhere, and, yet, I know she's having a better time.
Does it make you angry that libraries are giving away your book for free? You get nothing, while libraries make millions? I don't Think that's right.
I totally agree.
The libraries have had it too good for too long! I can't believe this.
I'm inside Jay Leno's house, and nobody's calling the cops! Oh! Look at this! Look at this! Are you getting this? It's Jay Leno's notebook.
I bet all of his amazing jokes are written in here.
Oh! "Call exterminator.
" "Make doctor's appointment.
" I mean, two great set-ups right there! He probably keeps his punchlines in another book You know, for security reasons.
Fozzie! You made it! Oh, wow! That means a lot coming from you, Jay.
So, look If people ask, am I allowed to say I went to my friend Jay Leno's house? - I mean, we're friends, right? - Of course we're friends.
Look at me! I'm best friends with Jay Leno! Come here, you! Yeah! Oh! Hey, hey, you're getting fur on my pants.
You kiddin'? I'm getting Jay Leno on my fur! Boy, this guy is great.
He's like the comeback kid.
Hey, listen.
Check out the bathroom in the entranceway.
- Yeah? - All right? It's one of those Japanese deals.
Does everything for you.
It's unbelievable.
I'll make sure to drink a lot of water while I'm here, too! Yeah! Ohh! I was just talking toilets with Jay Leno! Oh! I never want this day to end! I need a souvenir.
Morning meeting, everybody.
- Here you go.
Thank you for your patronage.
- Morning meeting.
Morning meet Seriously? You actually came back? Yes, I did, and for more on this breaking story, let's go to me, outside! What You know, you're supposed to buy cookies from me, not him.
I'm new! I don't understand the politics around here! Ahhhm! Num-num-num-num! Ahhhm! Morning meeting, everybody.
Morning meeting.
Interesting.
Jay Leno's candy dish.
Oh! If this candy dish could talk Yeah, you would have a talking candy dish, and maybe that would have been impressive, okay? You're not worried about getting caught? Those rich people have security cameras everywhere! Yeah, but he wouldn't care about a bowl.
I mean, he probably put it out so I would take it.
What about that theory, huh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Huh? Oh, God! Good morning, everybody.
- Oh, buenos dias.
- Good morning, Kermit.
Hey, guys, listen, I know that, uh, last night's show was pretty awful.
- Yeah.
- Yes, it was.
But that one's on me.
I set Piggy up with that horrible, evil Incredibly talented, velvet-throated piano god.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
But don't worry.
Tonight, I'm getting rid of Groban.
- What?! - No, no, no! Don't get rid of Groban! Why not? He's ruining the show.
Oh, that's true.
Quality-wise, the show was prison sushi.
Ah, but the rest of the day with Piggy being all chill? That was gas-station sushi.
And we love us some gas-station sushi! All right! Oh, yeah, Piggy's been so great, I've been skipping my pre-show cry.
You pre-show cry?! Animal pre-show cry! Wait a minute.
W-what are you saying? You actually want Groban to stick around? - Yeah.
- Yeah! Listen to what she wrote in my birthday card.
"Your presence is like a glissando in my heart, cascading sunshine into my soul.
Piggy.
" Really? Last year, all she wrote on my card was "large vanilla latte, extra foam.
" Yes, but, see, that's our Piggy.
You know, what she wrote in his card is Piggy under the influence of Groban.
- Hm.
- Hm.
I can't let this happen, guys.
I got to get her back.
Hey, there's, like, 20 of us.
Why didn't we stop him? Hmm.
Perhaps our happiness has made us too soft.
- Ooh.
- Interesting.
- Hey, you! - Whaa! Dyaah! - You got a message from Jay Leno.
- Oh.
Uh, d okay.
What did he say? He said he wants to see you at his house! Was he mad, or is that just you? I take messages.
I don't judge tone! - Yes? - Oh! Uh, what are you W-where's Piggy? Oh, she's, um, right in the middle of getting a hot-stone massage right now.
Can I help you? Ah, warm.
That feels good.
Piggy? I-I got to talk to her.
Oh, anything you need to say to my lady, you can say to me.
Okay, then.
Fine.
The guy you're dating is an absolute nightmare, - and you got to get rid of him.
- Oh, yeah?! Well, you're a little insecure swamp rat who doesn't know what he's talking about! Uh That was her response to you, not mine.
I think you're terrific.
Would you stop trying to turn Piggy into you? I wouldn't the world be a better place if everybody was a little more like me? - Out of my way, dork.
I'm going in.
- I don't think so.
Oh, you don't think so? Really? Really? Because I think you're forgetting that I am a frog, and I can jump! Ouch! See ya, frog.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow! Hot rocks! Hot rocks! Get them off! Somebody cookin' de bacon.
Look, I know what I did was wrong, and there's only one way to make things right.
I'm just gonna sneak it back in.
Jay will never even know I was th Okay.
That's a setback.
Fozzie.
Take a seat.
Uh take it? I t I I don't take things.
E-e-especially things that don't belong to me.
So I will sit in the seat, good sir, but I will not take it.
Look, I don't know what you're on, but listen.
How would you like to open for me next week in Las Vegas? W-wait.
That's why I'm here? Well, yeah.
You're one of the good guys.
You're not one of these guys that, you know, steals my stuff.
Steals your stuff? W-what do you mean by that? My jokes my material.
You don't t Oh! Right! No, of course not.
I-I never steal jokes! Jokes never! - So you'll do it? - Open for Jay Leno? - Yeah.
- That's my dream! Great.
I'll get some champagne.
We'll celebrate.
Okay! This is one of the greatest moments of my life! I wish I had a souvenir to remember this day.
What are you doing with my brass rooster? Uh duh I have a brass chicken at home, and they belong together? Look, son, we all have idols.
I've never told anybody this before, but I once took a candy dish from George Carlin's house.
I wasn't proud of it.
In fact, I-I still have it.
It's It's right over here.
Where's my George Carlin candy dish? It was gone when I got here.
You stole my George Carlin candy dish? You know something, son? You got a problem.
Okay? Get out.
Get out.
Oh! This is a nice pen.
Can I have - Get out! - Okay! Yes, yes, yes! Sometimes, when I'm really frustrated and need to clear my head, I just get into my golf cart and floor it around the lot.
Speed limit's 5 miles per hour, but I'll go 6 or 7.
I don't care.
Hey! Ooh! Ooh! Oh, my goodness! Watch where you're going, frog.
O-o-oh, I'm sorry, Laurence.
Uh, uh Hey, hey, when are you gonna come do the show? Well, if it keeps on sucking the way it did last night, never!! Uh, yeah, good to see you, too.
Good grief.
I feel like everything is slipping away The show, Piggy My vertical leap.
But if this is who she wants to be, what can I do? It's her life.
It's her show.
Hmm.
Maybe I need to remind her of that.
Hmm.
- Hey, Kermit.
- Yeah? I just want to say I'm sorry about what I said about your show sucking.
Yeah? I just had a really rough night.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What happened? I watched your show, and it sucked! Yeah, "Up Late with Miss Piggy"! What do you want?! Hey, Bobo! - Hmm? - How you doing, buddy? How are those cookie sales coming along, huh? Lousy.
But it did turn out to be a teaching opportunity for my daughter.
"If you want something, don't count on Dad.
" Well, uh, have you checked with the band? Uh, I bet, uh, they'd be happy to buy your cookies.
Hey, hey, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Those guys are always happy! Yeah.
Legally now.
More boxes! More boxes! Oh! Here you go, animal.
"More boxes"? Screw the mountain bike.
My daughter's getting a prius.
- Anybody got any - Whoa! Whoa! Uh-oh.
Where are we going, Kermit? You can just tell us.
No, it's a surprise.
Listen, guys, I wanted to do something to make up for how I acted.
See, I-I realize that, Josh, you do have vision.
And do you know what word you can't spell without "vision"? "Visions.
" No.
W-well, yes, yes, yes, that's true.
But but I was going for "television.
" And, Piggy, your television show has changed for the better because of this man.
And that kind of contribution should not go unrewarded, right? Okay, guys.
What do you think?! I-I love it.
Right?! Oh, and, Piggy, the best part is that even though you're the only female host on late-night, it shows you're brave enough to say, "I can't do it without a man.
" Hmm.
Bye-bye.
Sometimes, with couples, when one person is very powerful, they make the other person change who they are.
That's what I was doing to Josh.
So I let him go.
Next! Uh you're You're Lea Thompson, aren't you? All my life.
Oh, god, it's happening.
- Uh, I-I-I-I-I'm Kermit the frog.
- Good news! They found my mother! - Huh? - You got to hear the story, Kermit! No, no, no, I can hear it tomorrow, Gonzo t-tomorrow.
- Oh, no, no, no, it's really amazing.
- W I'll just ride down with you.
So, the cruise ship has this expedition where you ride goats up Machu Picchu.
You know my mother's a terrible goat-rider.