The Muppets Mayhem (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Mixtape?
How sweet! Thank you.
Mayo?
Ladle?
Fork?
- NORA: What's happening?
- They're gifts of affection.
That's how Animal shows his love.
Yeah, you know, like
when a cat brings you a dead birdie.
- (BIRD SCREECHES)
- Birdie!
- NORA: How did that even get in here?
- (ANIMAL LAUGHS)
Flipper. Bib.
Baseball diamond.
Surgery.
(CHUCKLES)
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
ANIMAL: Rock on! Rock on! Rock on!
Hey, guys!
(SNORING)
Guys? Hello?
Seriously, you're doing acupuncture?
I thought we agreed no more play time,
road trips and cliff-hangers.
Shout-out to Moog,
who apparently lives here now?
BAND MEMBERS: Moog!
Hey, where the band goes, I go.
And they get into cliff-hangers a lot,
which is why I installed a winch
and a pulley system on my Jeep.
Okay. Love that.
Let's use your second chance at life
to finally get to work, yay!
Yay!
For your ratification, Label Lady,
we are working.
- Ooh, nice!
- Thank you.
Come get serene in a bean.
For us, creating creativity
requires a zone-in approach.
We gotta zone out in order to zone in.
- Mmm. Indeed. A maximum relaximum.
- (LAUGHS)
Yeah, it's like
only when we achieve true nothingness
can we create true somethingness.
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Well said, Lips.
Mmm. Too true.
Hey, yeah, I get it.
I'm not some typical money-hungry CEO
that only cares about record sales.
No, I respect the artist
and the creative process.
(SNEEZES)
- Bless you.
- Bless you.
I'm fielding calls
from talk shows, sponsors.
Not to mention
that all of today's biggest producers
are hitting me up,
begging me to work with you guys.
- (SNEEZES)
- BAND MEMBERS: Bless you!
Now, why don't you bless us
with the specifics, Label Lady?
- Uh, specifics?
- Yeah.
NORA: Producers?
FLOYD: Mmm.
Everyone. I mean, Pharrell, Mark Ronson,
Rick Rubin, Zedd.
- Oh, right on.
- JANICE: For sure.
Oh, no! (MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
So, you know who Zedd is, great!
I mean, he's a huge fan and he wants it.
I mean, they all do.
- (SNEEZES)
- BAND MEMBERS: Bless you!
Who knew that we'd have so many
fancy-pants producers to pick from?
It's unbelievable.
Actually, 'cause I could have sworn
that Pharrell was on tour,
and that Mark Ronson
was vacationing in Ibiza,
and that Rick Rubin had not left Malibu
or shaved in 30 years.
Nah. No. I don't even know
how you would know all that stuff.
I keep tabs on all the hottest producers,
so I can be ready to give 'em my demo.
Do you want my demo?
Good idea. Let's talk over there.
Yes. Okay. Yeah.
Don't rat me out.
Hi.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Wait, rat you out?
I wanna help you.
I've been waiting my entire life
for an Electric Mayhem album,
and finally, somebody's makin' it happen.
Even if she is mad shady.
I may have slightly exaggerated
my position to get them on board, but
This is the one band who loves everybody
no matter who they are.
You don't have to lie.
Boldfaced lies are the backbone
of the entertainment industry.
So, if you don't mind Huge news!
Now, Quincy Jones and Travis Barker
are texting me,
and they're dying
to listen to your new music.
So, let's hop to it!
(SNEEZES)
Ooh, wow, like,
there must be something in the air.
Indeed, there is.
- Creativity!
- DR. TEETH: Mmm.
Time to hunker down
and write some symphonious songs
to sing for our selection
of snazztastic suitors.
The sooner, the better,
'cause they're all fighting over you
and it's gettin' gnarly.
- (SNEEZES)
- (SCREAMS)
Lips? Lips?
DR. TEETH: Ah.
Open air for open minds.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Yeah.
Hey, let's buckle down
and make Label Lady proud.
Yeah.
Zoot's totally been
keeping a list of our song ideas.
Oh, yeah, the list. Uh
Toothpaste, Jordan almonds,
imitation crab meat
Nah, man, that's the shopping list.
Check the other side.
Oh.
Pizza bagels, nine-volt batteries,
meatless meatballs, Fritos.
Fritos!
Oh, wow, I really dig that list.
- Yeah, we done good.
- DR. TEETH: Indeed.
Now, let's go show Nora how it's done.
Mmm. Who thought of the slaw?
I know it wasn't on the list,
but I just started riffin'!
- Culinary jazz.
- Right on.
Um, I feel like
we're forgetting something.
ANIMAL: Fritos!
(LAUGHING)
FLOYD: We are crushing it today.
Anybody got a coupon?
Oh. Uh
Hi. Nora Singh, CEO of Wax Town Records.
Yeah, I'm looking for a producer
for the Electric May
(SIGHS) Hello?
I know he's probably busy producing
hit records, blah-blah, but
Yes, hello? Hello!
Nora Singh calling,
CEO of Wax Town Records.
Hi, yes, hello. Hi, yes. Hi.
Yes, Nora Singh, CEO of Wax Town Records.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Please hold.
Penny Waxman's office, please hold.
Hi, sorry, yeah, that was Adele.
Yeah, she's a client, and a friend.
Any chance you could give me
Zedd's cell? Hello?
Oh! Stop! You flatter me.
No, no, I mean it.
You get younger every day, Penny.
PENNY: And you,
whatever you're doing, keep doing.
- It's working.
- JJ: Hey, come here.
(BOTH SMOOCHING)
- (LAUGHS) You're like butter!
- (CHUCKLES)
Hey, Smooshie.
Wow! JJ! You look, uh
Chiseled? Swaggy?
Just willpower and whey protein.
How about Penny, isn't she a peach?
Uh-huh. Why are you meeting her?
Oh, just talking
some boring business stuff.
This company is my business.
In fact,
I'm working with one of our bands
and we're makin' an album.
I'm focused more on the tech money side
of my streaming app.
But I do know a lot of artists.
In fact, I could hook you up with Amala.
(CHUCKLES) My bad, you probably
know her as Doja Cat.
Everyone calls her that except for me,
'cause we're tight.
I think I'm good.
But hey, glad to see you've come so far
from your days
of being our sweaty office bagel boy.
- Remember that? So sweaty.
- Yeah.
I remember.
And we'll see who's sweating
when "Bagel Boy" buys this company.
What?
You can relax. You'll keep your job.
Heck, I might even let you run the joint!
(PHONE RINGING)
I actually have a meeting.
- Fun catching up, though.
- Yeah.
Bye.
I love you.
- What?
- Hmm?
You said something.
Nope. I'll see you around.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, did you just meet with JJ?
Ah, old Bagel Boy looks good, don't he?
Said I got nice feet.
What did he want?
Beefcake wants to buy
our music catalogue for his app.
Says he's got a big need for the oldies.
The oldies?
You didn't kick him out for saying that?
Sweetheart, I am an oldie,
and speakin' of,
I booked a beauty procedure tomorrow.
Just a little tuck and tone.
So, I need you to pick me up
from the hospital tomorrow.
The hospital, yes.
Whatever you need, Penny,
just, please don't sell.
You're just sayin' that
because you and JJ
used to be all kissy face.
And you hate the band
because you and Dr. Teeth
used to be all kissy face.
You got me there. Fine.
I'll give you one shot to impress me
with this new album.
Otherwise, I sell.
You understand?
Done. And the band is in the studio
as we speak, making magic.
And trust me, Penny, it's gonna be fire.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Fire!
(BANG THE DRUM ALL DAY
BY TODD RUNDGREN PLAYING)
Not again.
Why?
An authentic lei for my lady.
I leave 'em to work,
and they throw another party?
You're doing it your way,
they're doing it theirs.
Nora!
Guess I just have to lie harder.
So, double down.
That's one way to go. All right.
(CLEARS THROAT)
FLOYD: You're kiddin'?
Hey, party people.
Oh, Nobu!
What's all this about?
Huge news. We went shoppin'.
- DR. TEETH: Yeah.
- Yeah, for sure. There was,
like, a sale at the market on orchids.
So, I weaved some flower necklaces,
and the next thing I know,
we're throwing an all-inclusive,
Icelandic, Oceanic, Pan Atlantic,
coconut bra, Malibu beach party.
Respectfully representing
every continental and coral
- archipelago in the world.
- FLOYD: Mmm.
It's a pool party.
- Swimsuits optional.
- Mmm.
Cool. I thought we all agreed you would
work on your album, though, remember?
- Oh.
- Oh, album. Yeah, you know what?
This one totally got away from us.
- That's on us.
- Yeah.
Totally fine. I'm loving the party.
We're doing great.
(SNEEZES)
But we have many big-time producers
chasing us.
- I can only hold 'em off for so long.
- (SNEEZES)
I mean, you can't play the same old stuff
when you're rocking The Hollywood Bowl.
Did I forget to mention that? It's booked.
- You kidding? That's terrific news!
- Oh, wow.
- (SNEEZES)
- Bless you.
Oh, wow, I, like, totally feel funky.
And not in a good way.
Also Zedd, yeah, remember?
You love music super-producer guy, Zedd.
I'm meeting him in Malibu.
And, dude has been begging me
to work with you.
(SNEEZES AND GROANS)
DR. TEETH: Oh, my God!
Janice, are you okay?
Can you hear us?
You look yellow.
- JANICE: Lies.
- Oh, she's coming to.
Talk to me, Janice. What is it?
Lies.
Lice?
Lies.
She's got head lice, man!
(ALL CLAMORING)
JANICE: Lies.
Guys, lice doesn't make you sick.
It's something else.
- Lies!
- (ZOOT GASPS)
- (GROANS)
- Oh.
- Lies.
- LIPS: Hmm?
She said, "Lies."
You know what? That makes sense!
Janice is highly allergic
to all forms of fraudulent falsities
and general malarkey.
Wait, are you saying that
Janice is literally allergic to liars?
Yeah, but That can't be it,
'cause everyone here is a loyal friend
in our unbreakable circle of trust.
DR. TEETH: Unless
a black-hearted fibster or fibstress
secretly lurks among us.
Show yourself.
Okay, I'll 'fess up. I lied to you guys.
- (GASPS)
- I always say that
I've never missed any of your concerts,
- well, that wasn't true.
- (ALL GASP)
Yeah. I got wicked pink eye in 2014
and I missed the show in Jersey.
(ALL GASP)
Et tu, Moog?
Say it isn't so.
There is no way that my little lie
is the cause of all this, right?
Which means that
there has to be somebody else here
that must be spinning
just massive webs of deceit.
Anybody?
Honestly,
I am so disappointed in you, Moog.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I think I need to go home and calm down,
I'm so upset. Wow.
- Lies.
- ANIMAL: Hi.
(GOAT BLEATS)
I appreciate that this gift
isn't a screeching peacock,
but I gotta go.
(SADLY) Bye.
Ah, screw it. Give me the goat. (SIGHS)
Come on, come on, come on.
Bye, Darren.
HANNAH: Look at that view!
I wish you could all come with me.
- See ya in Tokyo, Fanahannahs.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
-#humblebrag, #truth.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
You are never gonna believe what happened.
I'll need a little praise for this set-up
before we move on to your problem.
Oh.
You are the David Blaine
of Internet fakery.
Aw, thank you.
Hannah, I did what you said.
I've been lying like a pro,
everything was going great.
- Of course it was.
- Until I find out
that of all the bands on the planet,
I have the one whose guitarist
is a free-loving, hippie lie detector.
- Uh-oh.
- I know. I work in showbiz, okay?
I'm never gonna make it if I can't lie.
Okay. You're thinking about this
all wrong.
Lies are just untruths
waiting to be made real.
Hannah, you're taking
a toilet-seat selfie.
None of this is real.
Some rando private jet company
just slid into my DMs,
offering me a free flight to Bali
if I post about it.
Now, that is real.
But Zedd isn't, okay?
I have no connection
to a music producer that big.
(GROANS) You're one of those people that
uses their phone just to make calls.
- (KEYPAD TAPPING)
- Huh.
He hikes Runyon Canyon every morning.
So, go get Zedd for real.
You are an inspiration.
I know.
Okay, just promise me
you'll introduce me to him
when you two are making hit records.
- Deal.
- Um
- When can we talk about the goat?
- His name is Darren. And he's not nice.
(GOAT BLEATS)
NORA: Zedd, Zedd, Zedd!
Zedd!
Zedd, hi, what's up? I'm Nora.
Ooh, man, you're fast.
Been lookin' for you everywhere.
Kind of on a hike here.
Maybe call my office?
Honestly, I just need a minute or two
of your time.
Argh! Cramp, cramp, cramp!
I'm going down, I'm dying.
Oh, I'm dying.
- I'm deceased.
- You okay?
Throat so dry.
Would you like to win a Grammy?
Already got one, thanks.
You can keep it.
ANIMAL: Darren.
Forgot Darren.
Take Darren back to the car.
Animal?
Zedd!
You two know each other?
- Are you kidding?
- Yeah.
I go way back with The Mayhem.
Great. Yeah.
Wish I knew you were friends, but great.
Tell the band I'll hit 'em up.
We gotta hang.
Actually, they need a big-time producer
to help with their first album
and we're thinkin' maybe
- ANIMAL: Bye-bye, Darren.
- (GOAT BLEATS)
You can't just let it go.
ANIMAL: Bye-bye!
Okay.
The good news is,
this can't get any worse.
- (SIGHS)
- (CELL PHONE CHIMING)
Oh. I'm supposed to be
picking up Penny. Oh, G
- (ANIMAL PANTING)
- I'm looking for Penny Waxman.
- Nora, you're here.
- Moog?
Janice is gonna be so happy to see you.
Wait, Janice?
- (MONITOR BEEPING)
- WOMAN ON PA: Paging Dr. Ostowitz.
Paging Dr. Ostowitz.
(PANTING)
NORA: Oh, no.
What have I done?
Oh, come on, now.
You had nothin' to do with it.
This is all Morg's fault.
It's "Moog." And again, I am so sorry.
Yeah, you should be.
Lyin' to cover up your goopy eye.
Janice is lucky to be alive.
Guys, none of this is Moog's fault.
It's mine.
You? Why would you lie?
You're a high-rankin' music executive.
- I'm not.
- Hmm?
Yeah, I don't have
big-time producers calling me.
I didn't book you at The Hollywood Bowl.
And I have deep issues
with your creative process.
It's just the worst.
But it's me.
I'm the liar.
- (GRUNTS)
- (ALL GASPING)
Wow, I feel amazing.
This room feels amazing.
You all look amazing.
Oh, baby, you came back to me.
Yeah, Floyd, she sure do,
and all 'cause the Label Lady done
told the truth about all them lies.
DR. TEETH: Mmm.
Classic Lips calling it out.
'Cause she told the truth
about all those lies.
All this time, Nora,
we thought you believed in us.
- Yeah.
- I do.
That part was true.
Hard to know what to believe now.
Bye-bye, Nora.
DR. TEETH: How do you feel?
JANICE: I feel good.
ZOOT: So good to hear your voice again.
DR. TEETH: Thank goodness, right?
Lips said you died.
- I thought you were dead.
- No, I'm good.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
WOMAN ON PA: Paging Dr. Ostowitz.
- Paging Dr. Ostowitz.
- (GROANS)
Penny?
Well, it certainly ain't Madonna.
But I get that a lot.
Listen. Sorry I'm late.
It seems all I do lately
is let people down.
You sound sad. Are you sad?
I can't see if you're sad or not.
I was gonna yell at you,
but if you're sad,
it lessens the experience.
Yes, I'm sad.
I lied to the band, betrayed their trust,
almost killed Janice.
And I was just tryna fake it
till I made it.
Instead, I just made a giant mess.
Fake it till ya make it?
You think that's how I got to be
where I am?
I mean, yeah. Doesn't everyone?
No! I did it with brutal honesty.
That's the secret to success, kid.
You gotta be real. Always be yourself.
What if the real me isn't good enough?
Shut up! You're wonderful!
Is this the medication talking?
(CHUCKLES) You bet I am.
Mmm.
I'll take it.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa.
Who's that pushing me?
Is that you, Barry Manilow?
DR. TEETH: Man, I'm just shook.
All this time,
we thought showbiz was a trusted haven
of truth and honesty.
ANIMAL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank goodness we'll always have
used-car salesmen and politicians.
- DR. TEETH: Mmm-hmm.
- You know, I'm just happy
that Janice didn't perish
in Nora's spider web of lies.
Although, spiders are our friends.
They're nature's knitters.
Too true, too true.
But I just can't figuralize
why Label Lady lied to us like that.
- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- Oh.
Sorry to barge in, but I've been banging
on the door for an hour.
- We know.
- Can I come in?
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- ZOOT: Got it.
- Hey, you can open up a scooch,
but I don't want you
pollutin' Janice with your toxic lies.
Okay, look.
The reason I lied
and pretended to be someone I'm not
is because I didn't think
I was good enough for you guys.
Truth is,
growing up was complicated, okay?
My mom was a hot mess
and after my dad was gone,
I had to take care of my sister and
I'm saying too much.
No, no. Please, go on.
But back then,
even when things got so crazy,
I could always just blast my music.
And sing and dance around my room
until everything just felt better.
You know?
That's why I wanted to do this.
Because music was the one thing
that was always there for me.
Right on.
- Yeah.
- Nora.
The problem is,
I got such a late start.
And now,
I'm just making it up as I go along.
But I know one thing.
I am working
with the greatest band in the world.
You got Jimmy Jam and the Flimflammers?
No, Zoot.
I got Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem.
I mean, sure, you're not playing
The Hollywood Bowl yet,
but I promise I will do everything I can
to make it happen
because I believe in you.
Feelin' sneezy or queasy?
Nope. This is the real Nora
opening her heart to us.
And like, wow! You're just shining.
- (TRUE COLORS PLAYING)
- (SINGING)
What's happening?
It's really not necessary.
Okay, you're joining, too.
Stop making me feel feelings.
Nora.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
HANNAH: There you are.
So, everything work out?
(SIGHS) It really did.
See that? Fake it till you make it.
Mmm Not anymore. Turns out
lying won't work with The Mayhem.
Wait, so, the band knows the truth?
- Yep.
- And they don't care
that you're not some
high-powered, CEO boss babe?
- No.
- God!
You must feel so free.
I do.
Keeping up with all those lies
was exhausting.
Yeah. Tell me about it.
I'm currently at Mount Fuji
on some epic hike.
Well, I've got something even better.
(TRUE COLORS CONTINUES PLAYING)
Ah. Fresh air. Soothes the soul.
Now, I get why my doctor said
I should be doin' more healthy activities.
Ain't that right, Doc?
I suggest you get a second opinion
on my opinion.
We're almost there.
And, like,
it's totally easier on the way down.
This isn't down?
How is this better
than holding up a toilet to my face?
Hang in there, Han. It grows on you.
Wow, never would have
pegged you as a hiker.
I don't mean to brag,
but I've been doing this since Tuesday.
(LAUGHS)
You know,
I like gettin' to know the real Nora.
Yeah, same here.
Hey, next time,
I'll try listening to your advice.
I'll settle for you listening to my demo.
Wow. You do not quit, do you?
I do not, no. (CHUCKLES)
And now,
you're gettin' to know the real me.
- (GOAT BLEATS)
- Oh, snap.
ANIMAL: Bye-bye, Darren.
So, looks like awkward guy
is growing on you, huh?
- Moog? No, he's not my type.
- Mmm-hmm.
(JANICE SNEEZES)
Bless you!
Okay.
(TRUE COLORS CONTINUES PLAYING)
JANICE: Transplendent, isn't it?
HANNAH: Wow.
As much as I love a green screen,
this is something you can't fake.
NORA: Yeah.
Neither is managing these guys.
I'm just hoping
this being honest thing actually pays off.
I believe that's called karma.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Oh!
Mahna-mahna.
Hey! (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) Huh?
Oh, yes, I Just a second.
Yeah, Nobu.
- What? For me?
- Mmm-hmm.
- Who is it?
- I believe that's karma calling.
No way!
LIPS: Hmm?
Hello?
Here we go.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Wha Wha Uh