The Neighborhood (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 I hope the prize in that cereal box is the key to your own apartment.
Well, good morning to you, too.
Well, it will be once you get dressed.
Come on, we're going down to the scrapyard.
I got to find a new door handle for my truck.
Hey, man, I don't want to spend my weekend at the dump with you.
Week end? You don't have a job.
When did your week even start? Morning, Dad.
You're here, too? Don't you have cereal at your place? Of course I do.
I'm a grown man.
Then what are you doing here? Oh, I came to drop off my laundry before I head over to the comic book store.
See, that's what's wrong with you young lions today.
Instead of getting out in the world and hunting for yourselves, you'd rather mooch off the pride.
When I was your age, I washed my own clothes.
I made my own Fruity Puffs.
Oh, really, Mufasa? Why don't you go and whip us up some more, 'cause we almost out.
Oh, I'm gonna whip up on something, all right.
Man, I wish your new job had given us more time to move.
Every one of these boxes is so unorganized.
Ugh, I know.
Look at this.
Baseball gloves, silverware, passport.
It's like we're running from the mob.
I got Christmas lights, running shoes, and, oh your toothbrush.
Oh, thank God.
Wait, I found it in my running shoe.
I've been unpacking for five days.
At this point, I don't care.
[WATER SPLASHES.]
Oh, no.
Gemma! [GASPS.]
Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh, my [SHRIEKS.]
Oh! What did you do?! I didn't do anything! How do we turn it off? I don't know.
I need a wrench.
Where's the wrench? Check my other shoe.
Would you hurry up and put your shoes on? We got to get to the scrapyard.
Man, why are you in such a hurry? Look, I don't want to run into Dave and get another, "Hey, neighbor.
" Oh, man, I love those.
They're like little hugs for my soul.
Yeah, man, what is your problem? Dave's just being polite.
Well, I hate polite.
I like "leave me alone.
" So tie your shoe up.
Loop it, swoop it and pull it through.
Uh, hey, Pop, do I swoop it and then I loop it? No, no, no.
Personally, I loop, then I swoop.
Oh, so it's like a swoop-de-loop? Swoop it, loop it, both of y'all are stupid.
Malcolm, let's go.
Hey, neighbor.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
All right.
Well, the main water valve is shut off.
Oh, thank you.
Do you know what the problem is? Yeah, you bought a old-ass house.
Anything more specific? Well, it looks like the pipe that takes the water upstairs is cracked.
It's gonna need to be replaced.
Well, do you know a good plumber around here? [LAUGHING.]
There's no such thing as a good plumber.
I mean, for real.
A grown man that dreams of splashing around in another man's used water is freaky.
I don't know, they make pretty good money.
Well, compared to you a lemonade stand makes good money.
Besides, you don't need a plumber for a simple job like this.
Hey, you know what, Pop? As much as I was truly looking forward to today, you could fix it for him.
Could you? That would be amazing.
I could, but, uh Malcolm and I already have big plans for today.
Oh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
We going to the dump.
Well, I'd hate to ruin a father and son dump day.
Come on, Pop.
Look, he's our neighbor.
Now, what would Jesus do? Boy, Jesus was a carpenter.
He didn't know nothing about no damn pipes.
Calvin, I-I don't have a clue what I'm doing here.
It'd be great if you could help me out.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
[LAUGHS.]
See ya! Oh, no, you're gonna help.
Oh Pop, now my shoes are wet.
Well, if you would have tied 'em faster, we wouldn't even be here.
Thank you so much for bringing these.
The only thing I could find to dry off with was Grover's stuffed animal.
Judging from the smile on his face, he liked it.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Oh, look at this place.
I'm so sick of living in all this mess.
Oh, don't worry, they'll fix the pipe, you'll unpack, and before you know it, you'll be enjoying your beautiful home.
Yep, this is where your split pipe is.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the basement.
Wait, hold on.
Wait, wait.
Calvin will fix it, okay? Why don't you just come to our house and take a shower? Oh, that would be so great.
Please tell me you have a corkscrew.
Damn, girl, it's only 10:00 a.
m.
I knew I liked you.
That's so cool they smashed a hole in our wall.
When I grow up, I want to be a plumber.
Future freak.
Okay, buddy, this is a great learning opportunity.
Feel free to ask anything.
There are no dumb questions.
So, how we gonna cut that section out? That's the dumbest question I ever heard in my life.
We gonna take a saw and make two cuts, and then remove the broken section.
Yeah, see, now they're gonna take a saw and make two cuts and remove the broken section.
Hey, Dave, Dave, that's distracting.
Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
All right, and then, we're gonna patch in a new piece of galvanized pipe.
[QUIETLY.]
: See, then they're going to patch in a new piece of galvanized Dave.
Got it, got it, got it.
And to protect the floor, we're gonna lay some tarp out right here, okay? [SILVERWARE CLATTERING.]
You guys got this, it's good.
Grover, let's go outside and play some catch.
You know, that's a good idea.
You should do that.
That's a good idea.
You should do that.
I had no idea our house was in such bad shape.
I mean, we bought it because it was so close to my new job, and it was in our price range Is that your wig? It'd be weird if it wasn't.
Just, I didn't know you wore a wig.
For the money I spend, you better not.
I mean, you know, some days I do.
It just makes my life easier.
Okay, in there is a bathrobe and here is a towel and a washcloth.
Why would I need a washcloth? To wash yourself with.
It's in the name: wash cloth.
I just take the soap and rub it on my body.
That's nasty.
I mean, you're getting the soap all dirty.
Soap can't get dirty.
It's soap.
Wait a minute, do white people not use washcloths? I don't know any who do.
Do black people use washcloths? I don't know any who don't.
- Wow.
- Really? Okay, go stand over there, square your feet to me.
Glove up, get ready, here it comes.
Okay.
That was great.
So close.
You know what? This time, try moving.
All right, here we go.
Let's do it again.
Feet square to me, glove up.
Get ready, here it comes.
Great catch! Now let's let go of the butterfly and focus on the ball this time.
I need you to go next door and get my pipe threader.
I'm looking at YouTube, and HandyRandy79 says there's a faster way we can do this.
HANDYRANDY79 [ON VIDEO.]
: Hey there, plumbing pal.
Corroded pipes put a damper on your day? Well, let's go flush those problems away.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Freak! Look, I don't know, Pop, he's got a lot of views.
See? There you go.
Wanting to take the easy way out.
Well, maybe you just like making things harder than they need to be.
I'm not doing it the hard way, son.
I'm doing it the right way.
The only time that success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Nobody uses a dictionary anymore.
Boy, would you just go get what I asked you for? Why do you shoot down all my ideas, man? You act like I've never done anything in my life.
Well, that's because you act like you know everything because you watched some video.
Well, you know, if you wasn't such a dinosaur, we would have ordered your truck handle online, that pipe would have been fixed, and I would have been home playing Fortnite, eating Fruity Puffs like a fully evolved man.
So I'm a dinosaur? Yes.
A big old stubborn-ass-asaurus.
All right, well, I tell you what.
How about you and Hammy Rammy fix it your damn self? Whoa, whoa, wait, Pop.
I mean, I can't do this on my own.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Well, neither do I.
I mean, I'm a dinosaur.
My arms too short to grab tools.
[ROARING.]
Okay, here comes another one.
Oh! Ten in a row! You're amazing.
Are you just saying that? No, you are.
I mean, you caught ten baseballs and the butterfly.
Who I'm sure will one day make a full recovery.
Oh, hey, Calvin, how's it going? It's going great for me.
I'm going to the scrapyard.
Are you guys done? I quit.
Malcolm says he can do it with YouTube.
Can he? You better hope so.
I bet-I better hope so? Uh, c-can you watch Grover for a second? Oh, and, um, if he asks, the butterfly's taking a nap.
Want to play catch? Sure.
You any good? - I'm amazing.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Eh, you got a lot of swag for a kid named after a Muppet.
All right, little man.
G-Go on back, get ready.
Let's see what you got.
- Okay.
You ready? - Yeah.
All right, here it goes.
- Oh - Ow! You said you were amazing.
That's on you.
Who knew? Hmm Damn.
MARTY: Mama? I came to pick up my laundry, and [SHOUTS.]
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
Oh, my God, please don't tell Tina.
Tell me what? Girl I am so sorry, I I don't know what I was thinking.
[LAUGHS.]
Ha, ha, ha.
[MARTY LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
Wow.
Okay, 'cause that really could've gone either way.
[EXHALING.]
: Okay So you're not mad? Of course not.
Nobody can resist Lola.
You named her? I name all my girls.
This is even better than the washcloth.
Can we be done playing catch? Done? We haven't started playing catch.
So far, we've just been playing miss.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let me show you something, all right? See, now, this is the best part.
You get to eat it.
I want to quit baseball.
Why? Just because you got hit one time? How many times do I have to get hit? Look, trust me, you don't want to quit.
All right? Then you'll go through life just being a punk.
What's a punk? Well, someone who quits things when they get hard.
Oh.
So you're a punk.
You know, I'm-a chalk that up to you getting hit in the head.
I mean, because you quit fixing the pipe.
Well, that's different.
You know How? [STAMMERS.]
Man, give me my popsicle back.
DAVE: Ready? Okay, turn it on! [SHOUTS.]
Turn it off! T-Turn it off! Turn it off! [EXHALES.]
You okay? That went inside my mouth.
[SIGHS.]
I thought we had it this time.
You know what, I can't do this, Dave.
You should call a plumber.
W-What? What are you talking about? We're so close.
You know, look, let's just take a breather, and we'll try again.
No, I don't know why I thought I could fix this.
You know, guess my dad was right.
I guess I do take the easy way out.
Well, taking the easy way out is what you're doing right now.
And what's that supposed to mean? Well, you're quitting, even though you are so close.
And you have all the tools you need right here.
You're just, you're missing one thing.
Your confidence.
[LAUGHS.]
Dave, how corny can you get? Well, I'd show you, but I'd need both hands.
Mm.
You know who grew up in this neighborhood? Jackie Robinson.
Who's that? "Who is that?" What do they teach you kids at school? This week, we learned a new yoga pose.
Wow.
Every child left behind.
Well, Jackie Robinson was the first black baseball player to play in the major leagues.
Now, had he been a quitter, the sport wouldn't be what it is today.
Did you know Jackie Robinson? How old do you think I am? I don't know.
A lot? Look, my point is, nothing worthwhile in life comes easy.
You know, Malcolm and I, we used to stay out here till it got dark, you know, just throwing the ball back and forth.
Turned him into a pretty good ballplayer.
Am I a pretty good ballplayer? No, you straight trash.
Now, come on, man.
I'm just saying, if you keep practicing, you can get better.
Maybe I could be the next Jackie Robinson.
Sure.
Yeah, you'll open doors of opportunity to white men everywhere.
Come on, man, let's get back to playing baseball.
Let's do it.
This time, can I try hitting? Sure.
Couldn't be much worse than your catching.
All right.
I want you to set up now.
I'm gonna toss the ball to you, and I want you to swing hard, all right? Swing like a man, not a mouse.
- All right.
- You ready? Here we go.
Oh! Get me another popsicle.
Oh, my God.
I love being a brunette.
Who says blondes have more fun? - I do.
- [LAUGHS.]
Hee-hee! Hey, hey, look, I'm the man in the mirror.
Oh, you know what? That is your daddy's favorite.
As a matter of fact, I think I was wearing that the night we made you.
[LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
Gross.
This is so fun.
I needed a good laugh.
Oh, if you really want a laugh, you got to try on Kiki.
I totally wanted to, but I wasn't sure if it was okay.
Oh, sure, but first, you got to say Black Lives Matter.
Of course Black Lives Matter.
Boy, stop messing with her.
He's joking.
But good answer, girl.
All right, let her rip.
[CLICKS.]
DAVE: We good? [LAUGHS.]
We good! We're good? - We good! - We fixed the pipe! - We fixed the pipe.
- Ah! I've never felt more like a man.
- [LAUGHS.]
We did it, man.
- We did it.
This has got Handsy Randsy written all over it.
So how'd things go with Grover? What did you guys do? Well, we continued to work on his catching.
And then he hit a double.
Really? Yeah, one inch to the left, it would've been a triple.
Well, we just finished up, and check this out.
Malcolm did an incredible job.
Hmm.
Yeah, it's a'ight.
DAVE: I think it's a little bit - better than that.
- MALCOLM: Oh, no, no.
That's cool.
"A'ight" is my Dad's way of saying I did a great job and he's sorry he can't say that so he says "a'ight.
" A'ight.
Hey, I'll come back tomorrow and help you patch up that hole.
Oh, yeah.
Great.
Uh, w-what do I owe you? Oh, nothing, man.
The thing is, we're neighbors.
Next time, you get me.
Did you see that? Yeah.
I just saw my broke son turn down perfectly good money.
Really? Because I just saw somebody who must've been raised by a pretty good dad.
I mean, Tina did have a little something to do with it, I guess.
So Grover's starting to get better at baseball? What'd you do? Well, I stopped telling him he was amazing, and made him earn it.
I could probably do a little bit more of that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Although, a little positive reinforcement never hurt, either.
Yeah, maybe not.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at us.
Two dads, you know, solving problems together.
But, you know, like, in our own ways.
Calvin? A'ight.
Hey, baby, have you seen my, uh Whoa.
Well, all right.
I ain't seen Coco since we got kicked out of that Jodeci concert.
Where you been, girl? Mm.
I have been waiting for you, Shaft.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Ooh! - Ooh, yes.
- Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm a bad mutha Shut your mouth.
['70S MUSIC PLAYING.]