The Neighbors s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on "The Neighbours" These are the Weavers.
This is there new house.
And these are their new neighbours.
I'm Larry Bird, leader of this community and immediate neighbor to your west.
We're just living amidst golf cart-driving pie makers with names of professional athletes.
I'm sure there's an explanation for this.
We hope that you will consider staying.
We believe there's much we could learn from one another.
Hey.
You're looking good, Johnny Unitas.
Feeling good, Marty Weaver.
Oh, you've lost some body mass.
Yeah, a little bit.
Thank you for noticing.
Would be impossible not to! Johnny U.
A nice brisk pace you're keeping there, Debbie Weaver! Oh! Doing what I can, Mary Lou Retton! You are a shining example for females of all species! Just trying not to get a fat ass.
Well, then you're certainly succeeding! Mary Lou.
- Admit it.
- I like it here.
- You love it here.
- I love it here! Hello, Weavers.
- Hey! - Mommy! Larry, what the hell are you doing? Oh, what got we came for, so it's time for us to go.
Just to clarify your children.
We came for your children.
Mommy! Marty! Honey, they're not gonna steal the kids.
- Marty! - Getting dressed.
We have a few more questions.
You ask a question, we will answer it.
As we have each morning this week following every one of your sleepmares.
- It's "nightmare", Larry.
- You're telling me.
Please.
Ask your questions, Debbie Weaver.
So you have no intentions of kidnapping our children? No.
No alien mind-melding, no body-snatching, no plans to abduct, say, Max.
Well, if we were to abduct one of your children, it certainly wouldn't be Max.
- Larry Bird.
- Well, he can barely do math.
But he's so cute.
Are you actively trying to convince them? You have my word, as a mother.
We would never do anything to harm you or your children.
Any other questions you've thought of since yesterday? Yes.
Can - Does your planet have an atmosphere? - Yes.
- Can I breathe without a helmet? - No.
- Is there water on your planet? - Yes.
- Do you bathe in it? - No.
- Do you drink it? - Yes.
- Do you eat it? - No.
- Does your planet have a moon? - Yes.
- Does it have rings? - Yes.
- How many rings? - Five.
- Are we like ants to you? - Yes.
- Is god real? - Next question.
Did you see the movie "the transformers," and if you did, do you think it's realistic? Because I think that Michael Bay really knows something.
I do.
How does he know about michael bay? S01E02 Journey to the Center of the Mall There she is again.
I swear, she is always watching us.
Honey, so what? Neighbors are weird.
It's like, you know, a law of life.
Not all neighbors are from another planet.
Yeah, that's true.
Guys! So this is your last weekend of freedom, huh? You ready for your new school? Yeah! Abby, what is up with the screaming? Come on, Max.
Hey.
What about you, Amber.
Are you excited for school? Yes, mother.
Are you being sarcastic? Yes, mother.
And why are we being sarcastic this morning? I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I spent the last two years trying to be accepted by popular kids at my old school, And now I have to start over again, all while living next to the cast of "district 9.
" So I don't know.
If you're detecting a hint of sarcasm, maybe it has something to do with that.
Do you have anything? I didn't see "district 9.
" was it good? It's not bad.
The effects are actually pretty cool.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Perfect.
I'd like to see "district 9" with you, Amber.
Thank you.
I'd sooner die.
There she is again.
She's always watching us.
Ignore them.
They're animals.
I wish you wouldn't be so casual about this, husband.
What if they tell someone? Oh, they're our neighbors.
They're already so ill at ease with us.
Oh, honestly, wife, I'm ill at ease with them.
Take that husband.
His name escapes me.
Marty.
Oh, yes.
Marty.
How you doing, Marty? Are they for real with those names, Jackie Joyner-Kersee? And take that household The both of them always yelling at those filthy children.
The house does seem a little chaotic.
I say the less time our family spend with theirs, the better.
May be too late, husband.
If you've noticed, Reggie Jackson's already swooning over the teenager.
And dick is following the little ones 'round mindlessly.
Husband, Dick and Reggie Jackson have already started asking about school.
Our children in their school system? Come on, pumpkin.
Please.
I don't know.
Maybe if we'd chosen friendlier accents, they'd be less wary of us.
I like the accent.
I'm keeping mine.
Well, I could change mine, No, it's too sexy.
Is this one a little bit better? Oh, that's way too sexy.
Perhaps I go with something a little more No, that's annoying.
What about russian? You like russian? - Posiblemente un idioma diferente.
- No.
You're absolutely positive that this one is too It's way too sexy.
Sorry.
Greetings, Marty Weaver.
How you doing, Dick Butkus? That's That's quite the outfit you have there.
I require your assistance.
Do you have a first aid kit? Dick, what's the matter? My brother Reggie Jackson and I wish to begin attending human schools.
I was hoping you might help us convince our parental unit.
Why do you need a first aid kit, Dick? I have what your children might refer to as a boo-boo.
It's unrelated.
This is absurd.
Our children receive a perfectly thorough education at home.
Husband, we may be here indefinitely.
I think socializing with others their age might be good for our loin fruit.
- Wife.
- Husband.
- Wife.
- Husband.
- Wife! - Husband! Husband.
Oh, no, I don't want to do that.
I think it would be a good idea for their loin fruit to start socializing with our loin fruit.
What do you think? Well, I think that you've been having nightmares all week, so I don't know why you'd want to get involved here.
Because the better they know us, the harder it will be for them to eat us.
Remember that thanksgiving when we had the live turkey, How hard it was to eat Mr.
Cluckles? Right, but we still ate him.
But it was hard.
We have made a decision.
We have? What's happening? And why are you two whispering so loudly? Is that a thing? Earth is our home now, like it or not.
Our children must learn their ways.
Reggie Jackson and Dick Butkus will attend school.
- Huzzah! - Huzzah! Excuse me.
Old Weavers, At school, is there anything we must do so we do not draw attention to ourselves? - Some new clothes might not hurt.
- Yeah.
You're saying that their golf clothes meant to help them blend into this golf community make them look like zabvronians? No.
She's saying, yeah, it makes them look like nerds.
Marty! No, it - It makes them look like nerds.
- Nerds.
I don't want to look like a nerd! Exactly.
He must not look like a nerd.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
We'll help you.
Honey, the asian one maybe, but the little redhead I think is beyond help.
That's what neighbors do.
They help each other out.
They look out for one another.
They do not abduct one another.
Oh, would you get off it? We don't want your dumb children.
- They're not dumb.
- No.
A little slow, not dumb.
You know what? This will be a bonding experience.
This will be fun.
We'll go shopping! You know what, guys? Come on.
Give your newly progressive parents a round of applause.
- No.
No.
Don't clap.
- They'll turn into Ooh.
Yep, they're gonna blend right in.
- Shut up! - Mom, Max told me to shut up! - Load it up, troops.
Let's go! I'm going to the mall with my parents.
You better believe I'm walking out of there with some serious gear.
- I want gear! - Abby, stop screaming! Max, stop yelling at your sister.
Max! Everyone's miserable.
It's called being a family.
Get in the car.
My fellow zabvronians, It is with great displeasure that I must inform you that today, my family will become the first among us to leave the safe confines of this community.
It's a short journey, husband.
Please don't create a scene.
What is so important that we must take such a risk, you ask? Do we need to acquire lifesaving resources? No, we are well-stocked.
Must we intercede in an intergalactic war? No.
Possibly soon.
We will make this dangerous journey so that we might travel to a human shopping mall in the hopes of acquiring clothing that will prevent my children from being deemed nerds.
Nerds.
Nerds.
Nerds.
Yes.
Nerds.
If anyone has any thoughts or concerns, now would be the time.
- Oh, which mall? - I really don't know.
- Garden State Plaza? - I don't know.
- Paramus Park Mall? - Look, you're missing the point.
Dominique wilkins, step forward.
Excuse me.
Should anything happen to me, you are in charge.
Please don't look so excited.
Nothing is going to happen to me.
You made it seem pretty dangerous.
Marty Weaver, you and I will ride in the lead cart.
No.
No.
No.
Larry, you can't go to the mall in the golf carts.
Then how will we travel? Try and relax, Larry.
I propose you come for a ride in my spacecraft, and just as I prepare to lift off, you try and relax.
Okay, fair enough.
Are we ready to go? This is a mistake.
Lord of zabvron, preserve us.
We're gonna die.
We're all gonna die! - Marty, start the car.
- Okay.
We have to remember that trick.
Okay.
Here we go.
See, guys, it's not so bad, huh? Larry, just relax.
I know leaving the community can be scary, but it'll be fine.
No force field? No missile detection? This thing's a death trap.
Larry, this beauty is literally the safest car on the road.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
If he doesn't recover, you're in charge, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Understood.
Don't get ahead of yourself, Kareem.
I'm fine.
Thank goodness.
I'm glad.
It's like a planet unto itself.
And this is all considered a mall? Remarkable! Just remarkable! - I think we should just keep 'em - Yeah, okay, guys, let's go.
Okay.
All righty.
Ladies first.
Preposterous.
Oh My God.
All right.
I'm bored.
Money.
All right, but listen to me.
You meet us back here in one hour, and no more than a hundred dollars.
Lame.
Make more money.
- Get a job.
- Reggie! And you will let her wander the mall alone? Well, Jackie, shopping for clothing for your 16-year-old It's like entering a war that you have no possibility of winning.
It's vietnam, Jackie.
You may come out alive, but you're not coming out with your sanity.
Back me up here, marty.
It takes two days to recover when they shop together.
There's a lot of yelling and there's a lot of crying, And then it goes quiet, but it's a bad quiet.
It's a scary kind of quiet.
After about a day of this, she screams, "I'm fat!" And she says, "No, you're not fat," and she says, "I am too fat.
" And it goes back and forth and back and forth until they make up, but it does not change the fact that six months has been taken off of my life.
So yeah, we're gonna let her wander the mall alone.
Stay here.
Don't move.
Max, hold your sister's hand.
I'll be right back.
She's moving so fast.
When mom shops, she goes to a different place, Ms.
Joyner-Kersee.
It's best just to stay out of her way.
She's like a machine.
Stop it.
Makes me look fat, makes me look stupid, makes me look like a hooker Oaky, this one's a maybe.
I think you would look great in anything.
Reggie.
Do you honestly think I'm pretty? - I think - I don't mean pretty on the inside like the fat Kardashian.
I mean pretty pretty.
Because I don't feel very pretty.
I feel like a 7 1/2, maybe an 8 if I'm tan, But I want to be a 9.
Reggie, I can't walk into a new school and become instantly popular unless I'm at least a 9, so do you think that I'm pretty pretty, like a 9 pretty, or pretty on the inside like the fat Kardashian? I think that you, Amber Weaver, are the most beautiful girl that I have Okay, you know what, Reggie? I'm gonna need a number.
Will I be wearing these at some point? She'll get tired soon.
Then you pick four shirts, call it a day.
Max! You're supposed to hold my hand! I don't want to hold your hand, Abby! And stop screaming! I'll hold your hand, abby.
Great.
You two hold hands.
I'm gonna go check out some long-sleeved tees.
You look sad.
I am sad.
Because your brother was mean to you? May I ask you something, Abby? If it bothers him so much when you scream, why do you scream so much? Well, because it's the only time he really notices me.
So humans toil all week so they can spend their hard-earned wages on unnecessary articles of clothing? It's not unnecessary, Larry.
Ooh, a peacoat.
I don't understand.
I don't understand any of His arm.
His arm fell off.
Easy, Larry.
Easy.
Why don't you sit down? All right, listen, you're having a rough day.
You know what you should do? You should try on a jacket.
A nice, crisp, new jacket.
Nothing makes a guy feel better than trying on a nice, crisp, new jacket.
I'm not like you, Marty Weaver.
I don't want my children to go to school or hang out in this horrific mall alone.
I enjoy my children.
I don't I like being with them.
Listen, I like being with my kids, too.
It's just You know, you gotta let 'em grow up, buddy.
(sighs) I get it.
Hell, Amber's only a few years away from college.
Well, actually, she's two years away from college.
Amber's two years away from college.
When the hell did that happen? When did any of this happen? Well, our babies are growing up, Larry.
Oh, look at us.
Huh? Would you believe this? Two grown males embracing in the middle of the republic of bananas.
Help.
No, no.
Pace it up, dude.
We've got one hour.
If you can't keep up, that's on you.
Pi.
What? Your number.
One through ten, you wanted a number, so I say pi.
It's 3.
14159, and it goes on and on forever.
So basically you're saying I'm a 3? I'm saying you're infinity, Amber.
You are so weird.
Why are you doing this? What? All the corduroy? I don't know.
There's just something about your son in denim that really spooks me.
It's a little too "children of the corn-y.
" No, I mean, why why are you helping us? Truth? I need to know you're not dangerous.
I want you to get to know us better so that it will be harder for you to eat us.
Sorry.
Us eat you? You're the ones who enjoy finger foods and order kids' meals.
What are kids' meals? Are they made from kids? I guess I never thought how weird this must be for you guys.
Oh, god.
You're not answering the kids' meals question.
No.
No.
They're not made from kids.
I mean, no one knows what they're made from, but it's not kids.
What about baby back ribs? Oh, honey.
No.
No.
I have sleepmares, too, Debbie Weaver.
What if you tell someone? What if my children go to school and get revealed? I want my family to learn from your world, but please know that I, too, sit awake in my pod at night, worrying that I'm doing the wrong thing.
We're mothers, Jackie.
It's our job to worry.
Well, I trust you, Debbie Weaver, and I hope one day soon, you will trust me, too.
And I hope that we'll both be able to get some sleep.
Mothers don't sleep.
They just worry with their eyes closed.
- So a manwich is - No.
No.
Hey.
You were gone for quite some time, Max Weaver.
Sorry.
It's okay.
Here.
Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
We have good kids.
We have the best kids.
They're getting too big, though.
We have to enjoy them more.
I know.
They just make it so damn hard sometimes.
Wait.
Where's Larry Bird? You were right about the new jacket, Marty.
I feel much better.
Zabvronians, It has been three hours.
It is time to prepare for my new regime.
Here is my charter.
On day one, I will set up a system of punishment for late payment of homeowners dues.
Behold! Please no Larry Bird.
Please no Larry Bird.
Damn it.
Eat it, Dominique Wilkins.