The Oblongs (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Disfigured Debbie
Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs And that shows how l'm directly descended from Cinderella.
-But isn't Cinderella a storybook? -You're a storybook.
Okay, moving on.
Milo, why don't you tell us about your family tree.
As far back as l can trace, my relatives were carnival folk who were touring a place called Hiroshima in the summer of 1 945.
After that, because of their lack of hair and skin they mostly married each other, and here l am.
Milo, according to this, your great-uncle was a chimpanzee? Yes, sir.
Uncle Jinky.
-Ron? -l wish you'd call me Mr.
Bergstein.
-And my first name is Leland.
-Whatever.
Okay, we're having a big fundraiser.
l'm sure you've all heard about the recent earthquake in, like, China.
l mean, the carnage is on every channel.
We need money to get cable in the student lounge so we don't miss our soaps.
-l didn't know we had a TV lounge.
-We don't.
No valley kids allowed, especially one-eyed psychos.
l'm not a psycho.
l'm just off.
-And that rule's not fair.
-You're not fair.
l mean, why should we donate money for a room we can't even use? Ron, it won't stop talking to me.
Don't forget, student council elections are coming up.
Vote for me, Debbie.
Hot buttery rolls.
The Debbies think they're so great.
Why do there have to be beautiful people anyway? So the people who aren't beautiful will know who to follow.
lt's all part of God's great plan.
Sexy and deep.
Talk about your combo platter.
Thank you, dearest.
You're quite a feast yourself.
-Get a room.
Where you do it.
-Yeah, a room.
-Nice one, dude.
-Thanks.
The Debbies run the whole school.
lt's just not fair.
Now, now being a whiny Wilma will get you nowhere.
l want you more now than l've ever wanted a man.
l don't like the way things are, and l'm gonna do something about it.
Son, don't rock the boat.
The only way we ever achieve change is by doing absolutely nothing over a long period of time.
Bob Oblong, you are sex.
l'm gonna go upstairs and start plugging things in.
Excuse me.
Wait for me! The meeting will now come to order.
l will commence by reading the minutes from last week's meeting followed by Q and A and reports from committees.
Let's light our farts on fire.
Excuse me, but- That's not in accordance with parliamentary procedure! l have some new business.
The Debbies treat us like dirt.
Why don't we elect someone else student council president? But nobody's ever beat the Debbies.
How do we know unless we try? l mean, you could run, Susie.
No, no.
l have a skeleton in my closet.
Oh, wait.
No, l forgot.
l made soup.
-Helga, how about you? -Are you cranked out of your mind? l would never run against my dear bosom friend, Debbie.
Helga, the Debbies hate you.
Look, acorns.
Could l be the "presdident"? l think you just answered your own question.
-How about you, Peggy? -Seriously? l'm so psyched and excited you think l have the self-esteem and charisma.
Cleanup on aisle seven.
She's out.
Well, l guess we should just forget about it.
Then things will never improve.
Time will pass, we will die, our hair and nails will continue to grow.
Fine, then l'll do it.
l'll run, and l'll win.
Milo, no one is going to vote for a kid who wears a helmet in homeroom.
That's just to protect my soft spot.
Great, now l've lost my motor skills.
Free money.
Vote Debbie.
Cash for your vote.
You're running against me? -Are you crazy? -Why, yes.
Yes, l am.
Hey, you're supposed to be delivering the freak vote for me, fatty.
She means faddy, as in fad or hip trend.
You know, because l'm ultra cool.
l'm going to destroy you.
-She is right, you know.
-Oh, no, she's not.
Beautiful people are a minority in this school.
We have to get to the outcasts, the geeks and freaks the wimps, the gimps, the simps.
Yeah, kill them all.
-No, no, no.
We need their votes.
-Right, right.
Voting good.
Killing bad.
And so as president, l'll see to it that you theater fairies get the respect you deserve.
-Any questions? -One.
Singular sensation Every little step you take And l promise that in the future you will not be forced to labor as farmers in America.
But we're the Future Farmers of America Club.
Well, then, stay the course.
And finally, we promise to build a giant, shade-bearing cross on the lawn.
Lord, thank you for this messenger.
lf you want that we should follow him, please give us a sign.
Excuse me, Principal Davis? -lt's supposed to say "Milo.
" -Trust me, "Milk" will get more votes.
l'm so proud of you, son.
Pick me up and give me a hug.
Tighter.
l'm feeling really emotional.
Milo, quit playing with that CPR dummy and get out here for your introduction.
Good luck, Milk.
And now, without further ado, here are your candidates.
First, Milo Ob-- Now give it up for the beautiful fruit of my perfect loins Debbie! Hey, no fair.
You can't-- My soft spot.
l'm sorry, you guys.
You believed in me, and l let you down.
Come on, Milo.
We never believed in you.
Look at them.
They heard my message, and now they've come from near and far to cast a vote for justice and freedom in a thundering tsunami of change.
And the winner by a landslide: Debbie.
You want maybe l should cut this thing off? Debbie! Debbie.
The name alone speaks of beauty, grace and individuality.
At times like these, we look for answers.
Was it cruel fate that brought a thresher-driving heathen into our midst? Or was it him? l'm pretty sure it was fate.
Yeah, it was definitely fate.
'Tis only human to cast blame, but the Lord sayeth to forgive.
Then again, the Lord sayeth a lot of things.
l'm sorry, Mr.
Klimer.
l'll clean that right up.
There's no need for the beanbag gun, sir.
Wow, he's really not himself since his daughter got ground up into bits and sprayed all over the gym.
That would put me off my waffles.
Sir, when my mama passed over opening my heart up to this oven mitt brought me great comfort.
There was a time when that would really lift my spirits.
Mr.
Klimer, l know what an ordeal these last few months have been.
lf there's anything l can do.
Maybe there is, Oblong.
Why don't you and your wife come over for dinner, and we'll discuss it.
-You're inviting me into your home? -That's right, and bring that boy of yours.
What's his name, Limo? Oh, and about dinner, we dress.
l'll make sure Limo wears pants.
Hello, Oblongs.
l brought you some of my famous 1 2-bean salad.
Oh, how divine.
-Oblong.
-Mr.
Klimer.
-So how's the good life? -Very good.
Good.
-How's the grinding poverty? -Fine.
Good.
This is unbearable.
We tried to be sociable, but then you come in here with your beans.
What Pristine is trying to say is we invited you here for a reason.
Debbie.
She's alive.
We chose to fake her death to spare her the humiliation of being seen like this.
-Did you consider plastic surgery? -This is after the plastic surgery.
She's been so mopey since she became a, you know, monster.
So we were thinking, since you have experience with children who are-- How can l put this? Aesthetically compromised.
l have no idea what you mean, but go on.
We just thought maybe you could give us some advice.
Pristine, look.
She's smiling for the first time in months.
-Are you sure that's her mouth? -Yes.
Yes, l believe it is.
Maybe Debbie could spend a few days with you, get her freak legs, so to speak.
-Sure, she can come home with us tonight.
-Great.
One thing, though.
She doesn't know how bad she looks.
So whatever you do, keep her away from mirrors.
Debbie, we have a wonderful surprise for you.
No, no.
l don't wanna go to the valley.
This car was built in America.
lt smells like poor people.
Well, here we are.
Our little house in the valley.
Why does the air taste like charcoal? Keep your mouth closed.
Use your teeth as a filter.
-Remember, no mirrors.
-l'm on it.
l probably would've just taken them down.
Who's the double-bagger? Being poor makes people so hostile.
-God, how lame are those shoes? -l told you, no more Buster Browns.
-The salesman went high-pressure.
-l'm so angry.
-l'm sorry, okay? l thought they worked.
-They don't.
Boys, this is Debbie Klimer.
Turns out her parents faked her funeral on account of she's so ug-- Pretty good Popeye, huh? Anyway, Debbie's gonna be staying with us for a while.
-You can sleep with me and Slowie.
-Pass-adena.
Oh, that's okay.
We have a special room for you.
This is Grammy Oblong.
She hasn't spoken or moved in 1 2 years.
Hope you don't mind sharing a twin.
Let me explain Grammy's electronic communicator.
A green light means "yes.
" A red light means "no.
" But a flashing red light, and this is critical means that Grammy's soiled herself and needs to be cleaned up.
Well, nighty night.
But it's only 6:30.
Could you please stop snoring? Debbie, where are you going? Debbie told me she heard from Debbie that Debbie says she doesn't like -Debbie as much as Debbie.
-No way.
Debbie, you've gotta come back, or l'm gonna get in trouble.
Like l care.
l'm going back to my real friends.
Debbie, Debbie, it's me, Debbie.
Don't be scared.
l'm alive.
-But have you seen yourself? -No, why? How could you be so heartless? l don't envy you having to live with the guilt.
Who wants to look at catalogs? -l do.
-l do.
Morning, girls.
Gadzooks.
Pickles, Debbie's gone.
We have to find her.
This mess happened on her watch.
-She should have to clean it up.
-Milo's not in his room -and his window's open.
Who's that lady? -Never mind.
Come on.
Let's go look for your brother and Debbie.
Oh, Lord.
Debbie, where are you? Please, come back.
-Debbie, you can't do it.
-Oh, yes, l can.
Oh, no, you can't.
l told you.
We've all tried.
What's the point of living if you can't be beautiful? Debbie, beauty isn't everything.
Was Mother Teresa beautiful? No, but she was loved by people all over the world.
Didn't she die right after Princess Diana, but no one noticed because she was ugly? Look, the point is there's a lot of people who care about you.
Like who? No one's gonna wanna be my friend now that l'm a threshed-up freak.
Oh, l think l know a place where looks don't matter at all.
-Gross.
-lt's hideous.
How long have those mice been living in your back fat? l don't know.
But l call the white one Mitzi.
Hi, guys.
Say hello to Debbie Klimer.
She's alive, and she's gonna be hanging with us.
-Hey.
-Hello.
Aren't you repulsed by me? l'm the ugliest thing that ever lived.
Oh, please.
First you have to be the most beautiful.
Now you have to be the most ugly.
Why can't you just be a plain old person like everyone else? Gosh, l can't believe you guys just accept me after l've been so mean.
l'm never going back to the hills.
l'm staying here forever-ty ever.
Group hug.
Debbie, come on.
Hurry up in there.
What's going on? -Now what? -She's been hogging the bathroom forever.
-l really have to go.
-The first hour l didn't, but now l do too.
-Give me the leg.
-What are you doing? Now, boys, don't fight over the middle leg.
Come on, Deb.
Give others a chance.
l'm in the middle of a procedure.
l need cotton balls, bags and bags of cotton balls.
Criminy.
l tell you, that girl is really tanning my jerky.
l know.
She censored my Lewd Dude.
Somewhere in this house, there's a pile of crotches.
-What the gosh doodle is this? -lt's baby's breath.
lsn't that a cuter-than-cute little planter? l can't smoke this.
l'd feel a fool.
l want her out of here.
-Me too.
-Us too.
Try to be patient.
The poor dear has been through a lot.
l made you a virgin daiquiri, Mrs.
Oblong.
l said "virgin.
" Bitch gotta go.
So anyway, my mom says, "Bitch gotta go.
" -All in favor? -Aye.
You'll have to take me kicking and screaming.
-We're talking about Debbie.
-Oh.
Aye.
But she'll never go back to the hills as long as she's ugly.
And her parents already tried plastic surgery.
There's gotta be somebody else who can fix her.
But who? Only a godless butcher without a shred of legitimate medical training would ever touch this case.
Yes, a lot of the children are frightened of my hand.
That's why l operate with this one.
Lolly? l'm even uglier than before.
Oh, my God.
l am so a hottie.
Even better.
You're a Debbie.
You realize if l go back, l'll have to hate you.
l know.
lt's part of God's great plan.
-l'll never forget you, Milo, Cheryl-- -l'm Peggy.
Right, Peggy.
-Derek.
-There's no Derek.
-Yeah, you know, tall guy.
-No.
l could swear he was there the first day.
Oh, well.
Group hug.
-Cute shoes.
-Cute shoes.
-Cute shoes.
-So anyway.
Bye, Debbie.
And back at you.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]
-But isn't Cinderella a storybook? -You're a storybook.
Okay, moving on.
Milo, why don't you tell us about your family tree.
As far back as l can trace, my relatives were carnival folk who were touring a place called Hiroshima in the summer of 1 945.
After that, because of their lack of hair and skin they mostly married each other, and here l am.
Milo, according to this, your great-uncle was a chimpanzee? Yes, sir.
Uncle Jinky.
-Ron? -l wish you'd call me Mr.
Bergstein.
-And my first name is Leland.
-Whatever.
Okay, we're having a big fundraiser.
l'm sure you've all heard about the recent earthquake in, like, China.
l mean, the carnage is on every channel.
We need money to get cable in the student lounge so we don't miss our soaps.
-l didn't know we had a TV lounge.
-We don't.
No valley kids allowed, especially one-eyed psychos.
l'm not a psycho.
l'm just off.
-And that rule's not fair.
-You're not fair.
l mean, why should we donate money for a room we can't even use? Ron, it won't stop talking to me.
Don't forget, student council elections are coming up.
Vote for me, Debbie.
Hot buttery rolls.
The Debbies think they're so great.
Why do there have to be beautiful people anyway? So the people who aren't beautiful will know who to follow.
lt's all part of God's great plan.
Sexy and deep.
Talk about your combo platter.
Thank you, dearest.
You're quite a feast yourself.
-Get a room.
Where you do it.
-Yeah, a room.
-Nice one, dude.
-Thanks.
The Debbies run the whole school.
lt's just not fair.
Now, now being a whiny Wilma will get you nowhere.
l want you more now than l've ever wanted a man.
l don't like the way things are, and l'm gonna do something about it.
Son, don't rock the boat.
The only way we ever achieve change is by doing absolutely nothing over a long period of time.
Bob Oblong, you are sex.
l'm gonna go upstairs and start plugging things in.
Excuse me.
Wait for me! The meeting will now come to order.
l will commence by reading the minutes from last week's meeting followed by Q and A and reports from committees.
Let's light our farts on fire.
Excuse me, but- That's not in accordance with parliamentary procedure! l have some new business.
The Debbies treat us like dirt.
Why don't we elect someone else student council president? But nobody's ever beat the Debbies.
How do we know unless we try? l mean, you could run, Susie.
No, no.
l have a skeleton in my closet.
Oh, wait.
No, l forgot.
l made soup.
-Helga, how about you? -Are you cranked out of your mind? l would never run against my dear bosom friend, Debbie.
Helga, the Debbies hate you.
Look, acorns.
Could l be the "presdident"? l think you just answered your own question.
-How about you, Peggy? -Seriously? l'm so psyched and excited you think l have the self-esteem and charisma.
Cleanup on aisle seven.
She's out.
Well, l guess we should just forget about it.
Then things will never improve.
Time will pass, we will die, our hair and nails will continue to grow.
Fine, then l'll do it.
l'll run, and l'll win.
Milo, no one is going to vote for a kid who wears a helmet in homeroom.
That's just to protect my soft spot.
Great, now l've lost my motor skills.
Free money.
Vote Debbie.
Cash for your vote.
You're running against me? -Are you crazy? -Why, yes.
Yes, l am.
Hey, you're supposed to be delivering the freak vote for me, fatty.
She means faddy, as in fad or hip trend.
You know, because l'm ultra cool.
l'm going to destroy you.
-She is right, you know.
-Oh, no, she's not.
Beautiful people are a minority in this school.
We have to get to the outcasts, the geeks and freaks the wimps, the gimps, the simps.
Yeah, kill them all.
-No, no, no.
We need their votes.
-Right, right.
Voting good.
Killing bad.
And so as president, l'll see to it that you theater fairies get the respect you deserve.
-Any questions? -One.
Singular sensation Every little step you take And l promise that in the future you will not be forced to labor as farmers in America.
But we're the Future Farmers of America Club.
Well, then, stay the course.
And finally, we promise to build a giant, shade-bearing cross on the lawn.
Lord, thank you for this messenger.
lf you want that we should follow him, please give us a sign.
Excuse me, Principal Davis? -lt's supposed to say "Milo.
" -Trust me, "Milk" will get more votes.
l'm so proud of you, son.
Pick me up and give me a hug.
Tighter.
l'm feeling really emotional.
Milo, quit playing with that CPR dummy and get out here for your introduction.
Good luck, Milk.
And now, without further ado, here are your candidates.
First, Milo Ob-- Now give it up for the beautiful fruit of my perfect loins Debbie! Hey, no fair.
You can't-- My soft spot.
l'm sorry, you guys.
You believed in me, and l let you down.
Come on, Milo.
We never believed in you.
Look at them.
They heard my message, and now they've come from near and far to cast a vote for justice and freedom in a thundering tsunami of change.
And the winner by a landslide: Debbie.
You want maybe l should cut this thing off? Debbie! Debbie.
The name alone speaks of beauty, grace and individuality.
At times like these, we look for answers.
Was it cruel fate that brought a thresher-driving heathen into our midst? Or was it him? l'm pretty sure it was fate.
Yeah, it was definitely fate.
'Tis only human to cast blame, but the Lord sayeth to forgive.
Then again, the Lord sayeth a lot of things.
l'm sorry, Mr.
Klimer.
l'll clean that right up.
There's no need for the beanbag gun, sir.
Wow, he's really not himself since his daughter got ground up into bits and sprayed all over the gym.
That would put me off my waffles.
Sir, when my mama passed over opening my heart up to this oven mitt brought me great comfort.
There was a time when that would really lift my spirits.
Mr.
Klimer, l know what an ordeal these last few months have been.
lf there's anything l can do.
Maybe there is, Oblong.
Why don't you and your wife come over for dinner, and we'll discuss it.
-You're inviting me into your home? -That's right, and bring that boy of yours.
What's his name, Limo? Oh, and about dinner, we dress.
l'll make sure Limo wears pants.
Hello, Oblongs.
l brought you some of my famous 1 2-bean salad.
Oh, how divine.
-Oblong.
-Mr.
Klimer.
-So how's the good life? -Very good.
Good.
-How's the grinding poverty? -Fine.
Good.
This is unbearable.
We tried to be sociable, but then you come in here with your beans.
What Pristine is trying to say is we invited you here for a reason.
Debbie.
She's alive.
We chose to fake her death to spare her the humiliation of being seen like this.
-Did you consider plastic surgery? -This is after the plastic surgery.
She's been so mopey since she became a, you know, monster.
So we were thinking, since you have experience with children who are-- How can l put this? Aesthetically compromised.
l have no idea what you mean, but go on.
We just thought maybe you could give us some advice.
Pristine, look.
She's smiling for the first time in months.
-Are you sure that's her mouth? -Yes.
Yes, l believe it is.
Maybe Debbie could spend a few days with you, get her freak legs, so to speak.
-Sure, she can come home with us tonight.
-Great.
One thing, though.
She doesn't know how bad she looks.
So whatever you do, keep her away from mirrors.
Debbie, we have a wonderful surprise for you.
No, no.
l don't wanna go to the valley.
This car was built in America.
lt smells like poor people.
Well, here we are.
Our little house in the valley.
Why does the air taste like charcoal? Keep your mouth closed.
Use your teeth as a filter.
-Remember, no mirrors.
-l'm on it.
l probably would've just taken them down.
Who's the double-bagger? Being poor makes people so hostile.
-God, how lame are those shoes? -l told you, no more Buster Browns.
-The salesman went high-pressure.
-l'm so angry.
-l'm sorry, okay? l thought they worked.
-They don't.
Boys, this is Debbie Klimer.
Turns out her parents faked her funeral on account of she's so ug-- Pretty good Popeye, huh? Anyway, Debbie's gonna be staying with us for a while.
-You can sleep with me and Slowie.
-Pass-adena.
Oh, that's okay.
We have a special room for you.
This is Grammy Oblong.
She hasn't spoken or moved in 1 2 years.
Hope you don't mind sharing a twin.
Let me explain Grammy's electronic communicator.
A green light means "yes.
" A red light means "no.
" But a flashing red light, and this is critical means that Grammy's soiled herself and needs to be cleaned up.
Well, nighty night.
But it's only 6:30.
Could you please stop snoring? Debbie, where are you going? Debbie told me she heard from Debbie that Debbie says she doesn't like -Debbie as much as Debbie.
-No way.
Debbie, you've gotta come back, or l'm gonna get in trouble.
Like l care.
l'm going back to my real friends.
Debbie, Debbie, it's me, Debbie.
Don't be scared.
l'm alive.
-But have you seen yourself? -No, why? How could you be so heartless? l don't envy you having to live with the guilt.
Who wants to look at catalogs? -l do.
-l do.
Morning, girls.
Gadzooks.
Pickles, Debbie's gone.
We have to find her.
This mess happened on her watch.
-She should have to clean it up.
-Milo's not in his room -and his window's open.
Who's that lady? -Never mind.
Come on.
Let's go look for your brother and Debbie.
Oh, Lord.
Debbie, where are you? Please, come back.
-Debbie, you can't do it.
-Oh, yes, l can.
Oh, no, you can't.
l told you.
We've all tried.
What's the point of living if you can't be beautiful? Debbie, beauty isn't everything.
Was Mother Teresa beautiful? No, but she was loved by people all over the world.
Didn't she die right after Princess Diana, but no one noticed because she was ugly? Look, the point is there's a lot of people who care about you.
Like who? No one's gonna wanna be my friend now that l'm a threshed-up freak.
Oh, l think l know a place where looks don't matter at all.
-Gross.
-lt's hideous.
How long have those mice been living in your back fat? l don't know.
But l call the white one Mitzi.
Hi, guys.
Say hello to Debbie Klimer.
She's alive, and she's gonna be hanging with us.
-Hey.
-Hello.
Aren't you repulsed by me? l'm the ugliest thing that ever lived.
Oh, please.
First you have to be the most beautiful.
Now you have to be the most ugly.
Why can't you just be a plain old person like everyone else? Gosh, l can't believe you guys just accept me after l've been so mean.
l'm never going back to the hills.
l'm staying here forever-ty ever.
Group hug.
Debbie, come on.
Hurry up in there.
What's going on? -Now what? -She's been hogging the bathroom forever.
-l really have to go.
-The first hour l didn't, but now l do too.
-Give me the leg.
-What are you doing? Now, boys, don't fight over the middle leg.
Come on, Deb.
Give others a chance.
l'm in the middle of a procedure.
l need cotton balls, bags and bags of cotton balls.
Criminy.
l tell you, that girl is really tanning my jerky.
l know.
She censored my Lewd Dude.
Somewhere in this house, there's a pile of crotches.
-What the gosh doodle is this? -lt's baby's breath.
lsn't that a cuter-than-cute little planter? l can't smoke this.
l'd feel a fool.
l want her out of here.
-Me too.
-Us too.
Try to be patient.
The poor dear has been through a lot.
l made you a virgin daiquiri, Mrs.
Oblong.
l said "virgin.
" Bitch gotta go.
So anyway, my mom says, "Bitch gotta go.
" -All in favor? -Aye.
You'll have to take me kicking and screaming.
-We're talking about Debbie.
-Oh.
Aye.
But she'll never go back to the hills as long as she's ugly.
And her parents already tried plastic surgery.
There's gotta be somebody else who can fix her.
But who? Only a godless butcher without a shred of legitimate medical training would ever touch this case.
Yes, a lot of the children are frightened of my hand.
That's why l operate with this one.
Lolly? l'm even uglier than before.
Oh, my God.
l am so a hottie.
Even better.
You're a Debbie.
You realize if l go back, l'll have to hate you.
l know.
lt's part of God's great plan.
-l'll never forget you, Milo, Cheryl-- -l'm Peggy.
Right, Peggy.
-Derek.
-There's no Derek.
-Yeah, you know, tall guy.
-No.
l could swear he was there the first day.
Oh, well.
Group hug.
-Cute shoes.
-Cute shoes.
-Cute shoes.
-So anyway.
Bye, Debbie.
And back at you.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]