The Odd Couple (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Oh, yes.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Almost there.
Oh, God, yes! Yes that's the spot.
I thought I heard sex noises, but this is equally disturbing.
I'm shooting an ad campaign for a restaurant chain.
Wouldn't you like to try this delicious sundae? - I'd love to.
- You can't.
It's not edible it's a little bit of food-styling trickery.
You see, the ice cream is actually just lard, and the chocolate sauce is motor oil.
Later, I have to dispose of the sundae at Pep Boys.
This is so exciting.
I love learning all the little behind-the-scenes tricks.
If you really find it interesting, I could use some help.
I have some money in the budget.
Do you think Oscar could spare his assistant for the day? This is actually my day off.
I'm just here for the free WI-FI.
Great! You can help me with the hamburger photo.
Oh.
Step one: select the perfect bun.
Now, our featured bun must be perfectly symmetrical with a golden crust.
Okay.
It doesn't shy away from attention, but it knows it's not the center of the sandwich.
Got it.
Oh! It's the kind of bun that's comfortable at a bar, or a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm done.
Yeah, you can talk all you want you're paying me.
That I am.
- Good luck.
- Oh! - Hey, Felix.
- Oh, gentlemen.
Welcome home.
- How was Atlantic City? - It was all kind of a blur.
Lots of drinking and gambling and bouncers shouting, "No touching.
" When I drink bourbon, I like to touch people's teeth.
At least you got to drink.
This juice cleanse is killing me.
It's killing all of us you smell like a hamster cage.
All right, Oscar, it's time for me to be your agent again.
You had your fun, but now it's time to Drink beer in my underwear? Sit your ass down and start writing that book.
Wow, I wasn't even close.
Oscar, you're writing another book? That's wonderful.
Oh, it's no big deal I'm just ghostwriting this autobiography for a retired baseball player.
I just crank 'em out and make some fast cash.
Oh, yeah, he does work fast.
He goes through those books like seaweed through a human colon.
I miss solid food so much.
Yeah, I could use a nap.
Do you mind if I crash here? My wife thinks I'm still in Atlantic City, and I'd like to keep it that way.
I'm gonna be kind of busy, Roy.
Yeah, okay.
You know, I can I can just sleep in the park.
Yeah.
At the park, no one nags you, or says they've lost all sexual desire because your body feels, quote, "like a bag of wet sand dipped in hair.
" Take a nap here, Roy.
All right.
Your friend drops an emotional bomb like that and you just let him walk away? - That's the polite thing to do.
- Absolutely.
Can't you see, he's got some deep-seated feelings that need to be dug into.
No, no, no, no.
Don't dig.
You always do that.
- What are you talking about? - You treat every conversation like it's therapy.
You root around people's heads and get them all mixed up.
18 therapists in 15 years I think I know a little bit about psychology.
Not everybody wants to share the painful details of their lives.
Oh, really? Heard of Facebook? I found the perfect buns.
I thought it was your day off? I'm helping Felix with a project.
Ah, yes, Dani, very nice.
I like this one.
Now we just have to modulate the clumping of these sesame seeds.
Why have they all congregated over here? What do these seeds know that these seeds don't know? I will get you tweezers.
And I will get you pliers to remove the stick from his ass.
There he is.
Hey, Murph.
I see you brought some writing juice.
Yeah.
Sorry I'm late.
This girl recognized me at the liquor store.
Guess she's a big baseball fan.
So I had to stop and do the whole polite meet a fan thing.
You slept with her.
Yeah.
Marcus Murphy does not kiss and tell.
Well, she does.
It's trending on Twitter.
"Made it to home base with Marcus Murphy.
#bestsexever #majorleaguepenis" Hey, it was a team effort.
We're all just out there trying to have the best sex we can.
Or any sex we can.
So, how's our book coming? Great.
I haven't started it yet, but I know everything there is to know about your career.
Seven all-star teams, three Gold Gloves, two sex tapes; both went platinum.
Yeah.
I can't take all the credit.
Those girls showed a lot of hustle.
Just passing through.
Hello.
Pretend I'm not here.
Murph, this is Felix.
He's not here.
What are you, some kind of photographer? Hmm, technically, I am many kinds of photographer.
Currently, I am doing some commercial work.
Although, my first love is portraiture, or as I call it, illuminating the soul.
He's gonna keep talking as long as you keep making eye contact.
Yes, any portrait can tell you what a person looks like, but by manipulating color and light and shadow, I can tell you who a person is.
Whoa.
Whoa, hey, Oscar, don't we need a picture of me for the book flap? I'm thinking casual setting, natural light.
Felix, I have a deadline.
I can't keep wasting time.
I've got work to do.
Oh, there's my lunch.
All right, you guys have ten minutes.
Oh, no, I've got to call my bookie.
You guys have 20 minutes! Just see what I'm working with here.
Oh, yes, yes.
Structure's good.
Okay.
Photoshop will take care of that little scar on the earlobe.
How can you see that? It's so tiny.
Oh, as a professional, I'm trained to notice the most minute detail.
In fact, tell whoever gave you that hickey she's got a loose crown.
Pickup for Madison.
Oh, hey, neighbor.
- I thought this might be for you.
- Yep.
I'm sure you're wondering why I got a job here.
Not really.
Well, my jewelry business hasn't really taken off yet.
You know, it started as just a-a hobby, something I did for "mad money".
But now I need to make "rent money," so look at me! I'm a working girl.
Scrappy working girl in the city.
Plus, it's free advertising for my designs.
So it's all good.
No, it's all great.
I'm sorry, what did you ask? I didn't.
Oh.
Oh, I forgot your utensils.
I will be right back.
Oh! Living the dream.
Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Back straight, chin out, like a proud meerkat.
Yes, yes.
Who's that coming? Oh, it's my friend the gazelle.
Yeah? Huh, that is an interesting expression.
Uh, sorry, I just don't know what a gazelle looks like, so I'm picturing a skinny moose.
No, it's not that.
It just, it looks like you're pondering something.
I guess I'm thinking about the book.
What about it? I don't know.
It just seems so weird to have your whole life boiled down to stats and game scores.
Yes.
Interesting.
Anyone ever tell you that you have unexpected depth? My English teacher, Ms.
Russell, said something like that in high school.
At first, I thought she was just trying to get into my pants, but it turns out, she also liked my poetry.
Poet, I knew it.
The camera does not lie.
Ah, I messed around a little bit.
I really enjoyed it, but my dad said it was stupid, and that I had to focus on baseball.
Yeah, so you spent hours training, sacrificing.
All to make your father happy, but no one ever asked what made you happy.
This is spooky.
It's like you're right inside here.
Quick, what animal am I thinking of? I'm not a psychic.
A meerkat.
We just talked about them.
Look, the point is, baseball is only a small part of who you are.
Yeah, exactly.
I wrote a bunch of poems about breaking up with my first girlfriend, Ms.
Nicholson.
My math teacher.
We had very different high school experiences.
But I would love to hear those poems.
Nah, nah.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, please, Murph, this is a safe place.
I am zipping us into a tent of unconditional emotional support.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
Careful.
Oh, here you go.
- Sorry for the delay.
- Oh, no need to explain.
My manager insisted I remake your sandwiches.
- You're explaining.
- And, apparently, it comes out of my paycheck, but that's okay.
Only three more hours till I break even for today.
So don't feel the need to over tip because we're friends.
Okay.
Or because I gave you free onion rings.
No comps; that's coming out of your paycheck.
Learning through failure! My dad said poetry was for losers.
He even threw my notebook in the trash.
Interesting.
But I wasn't allowed to cry, so I just kept hitting baseballs harder and harder and sleeping my way through the female faculty.
Tragic.
The young artist has his dreams trampled.
This is the book.
A scathing indictment of our sports-obsessed society.
Hey, maybe I could put my poems in it.
Brilliant idea.
Meet me in the kitchen! What the hell is going on? We've had a breakthrough.
Turns out Murph has many layers.
Oh, no, no, you dug.
I didn't dig.
You do like to dig.
Hey, I-I came up with a great name for the book.
Verses Loaded.
Yeah, it's like bases loaded.
Just give it a second.
Murph, the reason the publishers keep asking me to write books like this is because I know exactly what they want.
They want a book about an athlete, not about some poem guy.
Or poet.
So you think my poetry's stupid? It's your father all over again.
You know what, Oscar? I'm really excited about this.
It's my chance to show the world who I really am, but if you don't want to do it, fine.
I-I already have plenty of money.
Well, I don't, so we need to write the book or you need to give me some of your money.
Now, now, I'm sure that we can find a compromise.
Murph just wants to honor the yearning soul - beneath the jersey.
- Wait a second.
Felix, you got to write this with us.
Ooh, that's trouble.
- What's happening? - Oh, no, no, Murph, I couldn't; Oscar's the writer.
- Thank you.
- But I could sit and look over his shoulder and edit as we go.
Great! It's settled.
What is happening? Oh, wow.
First two writers, now three.
This book is gonna be twice as good.
Oh, that math teacher screwed him in more ways than one.
Oscar, I can tell by your nostrils that you're angry.
You need to check out that vein in his neck.
I only have 36 hours to turn in this book.
And I won't get in the way.
I will just be a supportive, unobtrusive presence.
Oh, Dani, look at that.
Very good.
You know what? Now I'm thinking poppy seeds.
They're elusive little devils, so I will get you the small tweezers.
You know, people fall off terraces.
Happens every day.
- All right, here we go.
- Before we begin, I'd like to ask everyone to take a knee.
Lord, as we begin this project, give us clear heads and fast fingers to help us write goodly.
- Amen.
- Amen.
God help me.
Huh.
Look at us.
The dream team.
Yes, very exciting.
Now let's get started.
Chapter one.
"My name is Marcus Murphy.
" That's true.
That's right.
I like it.
I like it, too.
I wish I loved it.
What would make you love it? Oh, I don't know.
Let's just try it out for a minute, bat a few ideas around.
"My name is Marcus Murphy.
" "Marcus Murphy is my name.
" "They call me Marcus Murphy.
" "I'm Murphy.
Marcus Murphy.
" You know what? Sometimes the muse just teases.
What we have is good.
"For as long as I can remember, my family was into sports".
Same here.
You're being me.
I got it.
"When I first picked up a baseball, I knew I was home.
" Felix, I can feel your ear.
I need to be able to see the pad.
What have we got so far? Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar, you could have killed someone.
Yes, but I chose to do this instead.
"It was down to the final stretch.
"Time to rally for one last push.
"And my mother pushed with all her might, and I came into this world".
Oh.
Awesome! We did it! Yes, you were born.
Now we just have to wait 20 years till the part people care about.
Ooh, I am beat.
I'm gonna head home, take a nap, maybe enjoy the company of a young lady.
Which young lady? Oh, it's ten blocks.
There'll be someone along the way.
And then, I'm gonna bring back some of my poems.
Great.
We can figure out where to insert them.
Are you open to suggestions? Well, it's a collaborative Oh, I just got that.
All right, I'll see you guys tomorrow.
Felix, you keep this guy on track.
Oh, you bet.
I will crack the whip.
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm gonna kill you.
Oscar, he wanted me.
I didn't ask for this.
That's exactly what you did.
You dug, and you broke Murph, and you ruined what was supposed to be a perfectly nice book about baseball.
Why are you so afraid to write about anything with real depth? Why must you only skim the surface? Because I like the surface.
It's pleasant.
It's pleasant, or is it safe? What's so scary down there? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Because it's keeping you from fulfilling your potential.
No, no, no.
You stay out of me! When we were in college, you wanted to be a great sports journalist.
You wanted to win a Pulitzer.
I remember because I was the one who told you it's not pronounced Poo-litzer.
I was a kid.
I had lots of dreams.
I wanted to touch a Lakers Girl's boob.
It is never too late to dust off those dreams.
You know what you need? A visit to the emotional support tent.
Oscar, what are you doing? I'm locking you in.
Oscar, let me out! You know that I'm bound by the laws of mime! You got to finish this book, Oscar.
Oh, what's the point? I'm a failure.
I'm a hack.
Even so But it's due tomorrow, and you barely even started.
Yeah, and I realized, that's my way of protecting myself.
I get to say I didn't have time to write a great book, rather than finding out I can't.
Even so Ah, that's my snack alert.
My one solid food a day.
Come here, baby.
Mmm.
It needs something.
Like being wrapped in bacon, sitting on a donut.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Emily, can I get a drink here? Oh, sure.
I'm not a bartender, but what the heck.
I'm learning all sorts of new things today.
Like day-old bread makes great croutons, and rats don't die right away in those traps.
- Oscar.
- Go away.
Stay out of my moneymaker's brain.
Sorry, Teddy.
It must be tough for you, knowing that your livelihood depends on another person's fragile creativity.
I wouldn't be surprised if under all that anger was a little bit of fear.
Oh, good luck getting in here.
My wife has been trying for years, and she's not even in the lobby.
I'm gonna call the publisher and see if I can buy us some time.
How'd you get out of the tent? I'm sorry, Oscar.
This is all my fault.
You know, I always thought that I'd write a book that would make people see sports differently, like Moneyball or Seabiscuit.
But instead, I'm cranking out a book about a guy who has two talents catching baseballs and not catching chlamydia.
I wasn't trying to upset you.
I honestly thought I was being helpful.
It's funny, you live in denial for so long, you can't see the sad truth about yourself until someone shoves it in your face.
I did it, Felix.
At first I thought you were crazy for being so picky, but now I see how all those details make a difference.
What? Oh, for God's sake, what is wrong now? Are the seeds too close together? Is the lettuce too emotionally available? No, it's a hamburger, all right.
I'm going to take a picture of it, because that's what I do.
I take pictures of hamburgers.
You know, when I was in college, I dreamed of being Annie Leibovitz or Richard Avedon, photographing the essence of humanity.
And now, I make fast food look good so Americans can get fatter.
I am not an artist.
I am a merchant of death! I'll leave my time sheet on your desk.
Felix, can I get you anything? I'll have what he's having.
An existential crisis.
Is that one of those fancy drinks? It's only my first day.
No, Emily, it's when the reality of your life crashes into the dreams of your youth.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you both shut up?! I beg your pardon? "Waa, waa, waa.
I'm not as famous as some famous person.
" "Waa, waa, Seabiscuit.
" Do you guys realize how lucky you are? You get paid to do what you love.
Look at me.
Instead of designing jewelry, I've spent the day scrubbing toilets and putting out a grease fire.
Which I started, but that is not the point! Wow.
Emily, thank you for your bracing honesty.
We really lost perspective there, right, Oscar? Well, that's not the way I said "Seabiscuit," but, yeah.
And, Emily, we believe in you.
All of this this is just part of your journey.
Yeah, all this struggle is going to make you a better artist.
Huh.
I never thought of it that way.
Thank you.
Well, onward and upward.
Go get 'em.
- God, her life is a train wreck.
- Ooh.
Hey, well, I had to beg, but I bought us a couple of days.
All right, I'm gonna go upstairs and write that book.
All right, so you're done playing Midlife Crisis: White People Edition? Wow.
Look who turns into Chris Rock when he's hungry.
See, I can make race jokes, too.
- No, you can't.
- No, I can't.
Yeah.
While you are writing, Oscar, I will gratefully rededicate myself - to the art of food-tography.
- Mmm.
- Teddy, no! - Screw this diet.
I'm starving.
That's not food.
It's cardboard and hairspray and paint.
I don't care.
Oh, there you are.
I just finished setting up.
Hey! Don't feel obligated to buy anything.
Felix thought Emily's business could use a little boost, and he said it right in front of me, so I had to agree.
Hey! - Hi.
- I think I will take this tie clasp.
My ties have had a mind of their own lately.
Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything.
Thank you, Felix.
That'll be $45.
So what about you, Oscar? - Does anything catch your eye? - Yeah.
I think I'll take these cuff links for my friend Murph.
Oh.
Oh.
Those are $600.
Guys don't buy guys jewelry.
Oh, nothing like a good nap.
How long was I sleep? About 30 hours.
Have you been back there the whole time? Yeah, I curled up in the bathtub.
I like to sleep someplace cocoon-like to simulate the support I never got from my mother, or my wife.
Want to dig into that one? No, I'm good.
Hey, Marcus Murphy, I got both your sex tapes! - Oh, all right.
Okay.
- He was great.